Sorry for my absence for most of the day yesterday, it was an enforced one over which I had little control. I now realise that Old Reg the Paper Boy is also the one responsible for cutting the hedges in the Manor. Until now I had only ever been aware of the noise of the hedge cutter at this time of the year and not who was behind it, my view being blocked by a hedge twelve feet high.
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
Sunday, 26 September 2010
The Ming Vases
I was up early this morning, anxious to make amends for the misunderstanding at Lilly's pond last night. Another reason is that I couldn't sleep for the taste of pond water in my mouth! However, my morning patrol of the farm and surrounding areas went well and I came back more than a little damp from the heavy dew.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
Lilly's Pond
Harrumph! I am back in the boot room at the cottage tonight, I thought it best! I had been fed - in The Manor. You notice how I capitlise the name just to add an air of gravitas. So having been fed, I went for a leisurely patrol of the gardens so as not to arouse suspicions over my suspicions about the pond water showing up in the concrete pond at the far end of the gardens.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
The Dirty Concrete Pond
The Owner has still not come back and I begin to wonder if it was just one too many of my unusual smells or something. Now that I am a part time resident at The Manor I feel a little more able to include the grounds in my patrols of the farm and I have something rather interesting to report.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
I'm back!
Thank you all for your concerns and welcome back. It is a very troubling time, has anyone seen The Owner? His tea mug still sits where he left it, with green mould now growing out of the top of it, well I can't work the dishwasher! I have patrolled daily across the hills in search of him, well ok there is a very interesting badger carcass up there to be fair, but The Owner is my primary cause for concern at the moment.
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
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