Inspired by the video of the cat on his Postman's shoulder seen on Facebook this morning, I resolved to give it a go myself today. Postman, who I now shall refer to as Postman Maul, arrived and was intent on giving The Owner one of his free leaflets that The Owner always smiles and thanks him for and then throws them in the recycles bin. I was trying to find the best way to get up there. Should I try and climb up, or circle round the back and take a running jump and see if I can get there in one athletic leap. I suspect he suspected my ploy as he kept fending me off with the leaflet. Tomorrow I may lurk behind one of the cars and await his arrival and run at him and jump when he has his back to me and see how I get on that way. I will keep you informed over my progress.
Last night you may have noticed it was a little windy and as a result there was a lot of very loud frowning this morning. Due to the slightly inclement evening, noticed (in certain hoomun quarters) only after I was sent out into the garden and returned very wet, The Owner seemed preoccupied with the tumble dryer. Having brought his washing in off the line for the third time that day a little wetter than it was when it went out he formed a strong relationship with his tumble dryer for the evening. The observant among you will have noticed, as have I, that tumble dryers produce quite a lot of dry washing in need of other stuff being done to it and it seems to get put in the washing basket. Basically it gets left there then until he has decided to wear it again, but this evening it was left on top of the taps at the butlers sink. Now I know what a sink is for, but I have no idea what a butler is, or why he needs a sink, or do K9's even need a butler!? During the night there was a big gust of wind, of which I was happily oblivious up to a point. The point where I became aware was when the window above the taps got blown open and the basket and its contents fell on my head. Unable to understand how to fold up washing and return it to the basket, I did the next best thing and dragged it up into a heap..... and laid on it. Well I didn't hear him come down the stairs this morning because of the weather outside so he found me still asleep on the heap of crumpled washing. He has spent the rest of today sighing every time he passes the mirror and passing comment about crumpled shirts. Well I was cold with that window open!!!!!
The Owner appears to be in a strop this morning. I am assuming it is to do with him forgetting to change the clocks last night and getting up before Old Reg The Paperboy had delivered his Sunday paper. He seemed to have had a strop in the night too so why he didn't change his clocks then I shall never know. Predictably at two this morning the usual fidgeting starts upstairs, until half an hour later when he gives in and comes grumbling down the stairs to have a wee. I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity and I bounced around by the back door until The Owner let me out. Well you know how it works, you rush out to the first bush and whilst weeing on that a sniff passes by on the ample breeze that was blowing at the time. So I went to explore that and then I thought I heard a twig break down in Dingly Dell. So I went to explore that. Then another sniff... and a bit more exploring and so on until, after half an hour I suddenly realised I was actually half way across the cricket pitch field and thought it better to return to the new cottage and find The Owner. I started off with a gentle canter but by the time I got back it was a full on charge bordering on a demented badger run. As I entered the cottage The Owner was not waiting for me at the door, so I continued on through the kitchen and into the living room where The Owner was sat on the settee doing an impersonation of the statue "The Thinker". Although I don't think there was much thinking going on as he appeared to be asleep! Well I soon put that right when I landed and rammed my nose under his armpit and looked up at him. Well I don't know what he was grumbling about. If he had put his clocks right in the first place, given that it was two in the morning, I would have been back half an hour before I had left!! Given that it was The Owners fault, you would have predicted that I was to be punished in some way for his mistake. But how? It is Sunday so The Owner had his bath this morning and as he climbed out he swept me up in his arms and dropped me in without ceremony. I didn't feel too bad about it as when I got out and did a quick demented badger run around the carpet in the living room, I noticed the door to the stairs was open...... so up I went. Then I noticed his bedroom door was open too! He is now throwing his bed sheets in the washing machine, which I can't understand as he only changed them yesterday. He is still grumbling at me and frowning very loudly too. Hoomuns, huh!
As eleven o-clock arrives I start to get excited, as it means coffee time for The Owner and that also means it is Bonio time for me. K9's are not known for such but I feel a "Woop Woop!" ought to be required at this point. The suspense was starting to get to me a little if I am honest as half past eleven was fast approaching and I had not seen him move. He was still up there, at the desk above me, banging on the keyboard and grumbling... a lot. It was then I had a terrible thought! What if I had gone to sleep and missed it? What if he has already had his coffee? I was frantic! Suddenly he threw the mouse pen back in its stand and gets up, picks up his "very special blue mug" which doesn't have Piglet, Pooh or Tigger on it, (so it is obviously still in one piece) and makes his way across to the coffee making stuff. I sit and watch as the palpable excitement in the air builds to a crescendo as he gets his cafetiere and the spoon and the coffee and spoons the coffee in. One......two.....and three coz I'm worth it! He then laughs at his joke, as he does every morning, the same joke - same laughter. Then he fills the cafetiere with hot water and puts the plunger in the top. As I watched intently, dreaming of Bonios, I couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't have taken the spoon out of the cafetiere before putting the plunger in. He was on the phone by this time so his concentration levels, poor at best, were now at an all time low. As he chatted and laughed he absent mindedly pushed the plunger down. I thought to myself "He shouldn't have done that". And I was right! As the plunger went down the spoon opened the side of the filter in the plunger and allowed a stream of coffee and grouts to pass up the side and out of the spout and all across his desk. The harder he pushed, the farther the coffee shot across the desk unnoticed. After a few more minutes chatter on the phone he leant on the desk with his elbow and noticed the dark lake now residing on his desk and said a few choice words. Words that I pretend not to understand when he says them to me as I have breeding obviously. I rather got the impression that the lady hoomun client on the other end of the phone new exactly what they meant and was none too impressed to have heard them. I also get the impression that he hasn't got that contract after all. This may be an afternoon for keeping below the radar I think. I didn't get a Bonio either!!!
The Owner is now running a tab for me on to which he adds the cost of all my misdemeanour's and then subtracts anything I earn and bring into the house. I am not hopeful of too much being subtracted from my tab to be honest but today I fear I may have added the cost of the "Finest of Chablis". May I just explain that when I was given my P45 as a gun dog (with breeding) from Lord Baths estate it was because I didn't like the bangs the guns made, they said I was "gun-shy". Unlike The Owner, of course, who is not shy of even the merest drop of gin. Well we have had the fire lit tonight, in our new cottage, using some odds and ends of logs he has been hacking up with Owner's Mate's chainsaw. Odds and ends tend to crack and spit a lot I have noticed, but he lit the fire and settled down with a bottle and a glass on the floor beside my comfy cushion so I curled up there too. Hopeful of a half hours fuss, or a Bonio, or better still..... both! Things were going well as we shared a moment of bonding. You know, Owner and K9 thinking as one. Well, the fire did a very good crackle at this point and I leapt forward without thinking and jumped on his lap....... which unsettled his glass..... which knocked over his bottle........ which fell on his Winnie the Pooh mug...... which split into two halfs........which spilled his cold tea from this morning all over the carpet...... which mixed with his wine on the carpet and made a right old mess! Now his cheap £3.99 bottle of Asda home brand "Dry White Wine" has immediately become a £15 bottle of chablis and has joined his Winnie the Pooh mug on the tab he is running for me. I suspect that the hire of a carpet cleaner will yet be added to that. Unable to earn in my own right I may have to conspire to get enough on to his tab to offset my own. I will keep you informed as to my progress.
I have this morning encountered a dinosaur! And I would like to point out that although there are those who have been heard to mutter in disparaging tones that The Owner is a bit of a dinosaur, on this occasion it wasn't him. I had heard Tractor Driver Hoomun out in the fields since early this morning doing things. I have never managed to work out what he is meant to be doing or how he gets away with what he actually does do out there. He drives his tractor out into a perfectly good green field and then thrashes around for a while, and by the time he leaves there is not a blade of grass to be seen!! Now I have seen The Owner get in a frightful bait with Small Boy when he has been riding his bike around the lawns at the old cottage and just left a few tyre tracks across the lawn so how Tractor Driver Hoomun has managed not to get Farmer Hoomun in the same frame of mind over his efforts I am somewhat mystified. The good bit about Tractor Driver Hoomun is that when he stops for his lunch he tends to leave crusts laying about and I can avail myself of them later on patrol. Anyway, I digress. I could hear Tractor Driver Hoomun doing things in the fields behind the new cottage so I sat on the lawn making a mental note as to where I thought he was going for reference when on patrol later. I could hear him working his way down the field and then turn across the back of the hedge that runs all the way across behind the cottage. He was making lots of noise out there when suddenly, a dinosaurs head appeared over the top of the hedge and began to eat the hedge!!! Although I have to say he ate it in a lovely straight line across the top from end to end. I also noted that the dinosaur was a very messy eater as he spat most of what he tried to eat all across the lawns. I know this from first hand experience because until I moved out of the way a lot of it was coming in my direction! I think, with that much mess, he will be needing a rubber mat much larger than the one my dish is on indoors. I decided to go indoors, quickly, just in case I get the blame for either the mess on the lawns or the hedge which was now much shorter than before. Now, where is that new box of Bonios?????
After the days start not going so well with the whole jumping in the bath thing from The Owner, I was hopeful of better things to come. Well, water mopped up and buckets emptied his mood was beginning to thaw a little and a cup of tea was poured and he came and sat on the carpet next to my comfy cushion to drink it. I was in for a pleasant half hour again I thought as I drifted off into slumber. Well you know how when you drift off to sleep, there comes a stage where the muscles all relax and you are just about aware of what is going on around you but can't really be bothered? Well, I was vaguely aware of a slightly strange sensation in the nether regions but ignored it until The Owner jumped up and started yukking and phewing very loudly and appeared to be a different colour than when last I saw him in the light of day. It would appear that in my semi slumber state I had let out a bit of a botty burp.... whilst my botty was, kind of, well, snuggled up against his leg really. He flounced around the kitchen for ages after that spouting nonsense about fresh air being in short supply round here this morning. Although it is fine for him to dispense with the botty burps and move straight on to the full on trouser trumps, followed by "Oooooooooooooh scuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!" As if that makes it any better or any less toxic than my own were. This was lining up to be a very long day, even by my standards.
The Owner was up early this morning and in surprisingly good humour. However, I think I may have changed that. He made himself his morning tea and fed me and was unfazed by the lack of milk and his need to retrieve a slightly solid pint of milk from the freezer that lurks in the shed and growls at anyone who goes near it. He brought his mug of tea, made with lumps of frozen milk, and sat down on the carpet beside my comfy cushion and ruffled my fur as he watched the telly. Apart from a few derogatory comments sent in my general direction whilst he was watching an item about a very large slug, it was an overall pleasant half an hour. With much sighing and puffing he got up off the floor to take his mug back to the kitchen then turned to the bathroom to run his bath. There was a general comment hurled at me about still being curled up and still asleep, suggesting that it was time I went out on early morning patrol of the perimeter. Whilst he faddled around in the bathroom I ventured outside and down into Dingly Dell. After so much rain of late, imagine my excitement that there was actually water flowing along the bottom of the stream bed, so I went rushing back to find The Owner. I felt he would have been pleased too. Across the lawn I raced, around the big tree that he has his washing line tied to and down on to the concrete path. I jumped the gully and over the door mat at the back door. I was really getting a good head of speed going here as I went through the back door, along the hallway where I sleep and in to the bathroom at a fair rate of knots. This was where it went slightly wrong. Well, OK, so it all went completely wrong at this point. The Owner was bent over stirring his bath a little to get a few bubbles going and I was going a touch too fast to stop in the space available. I was cold and wet and my nose was even more so, The Owners legs and bum were not! This seemed to induce a response far more excessive than was warranted in my opinion as he launched himself into the bath. There was much splashing and bubbles and water were going every where! I thought "he was not going to be very pleased about that!" and do you know what? I was right! I think he must have got soap in his eyes or something. He is now in there grumbling and surrounded by lots of towels, all wet, and several buckets, all full. Well the floor was getting a bit dirty anyway and needed a good wash down. He does seem to be glaring in my direction quite a lot, I think I may keep out of the way for a while.
The thunderclap hasn't happened yet, but I think I am in trouble....twice! This afternoon The Owner was talking on his phone, when it stopped working. I don't do phones as they seem to be just trouble as far as I can see, judging by the way The Owner shouts at it or about it. But I could tell trouble was brewing when it stopped working. There was much angst as he tried in vain to get the recalcitrant device to show any signs of life. He gave up in the end and we came home. He then tried plugging it in to the charger unit as he told no one who cared that it may have a flat battery. Still no signs of life. Next step was to pull the cover off and explore its insides and I knew that this was going to end in trouble, so I chose that moment to go up the garden. When I came back The Owner called me, so I came bounding in in the hope of a Bonio. He had that strange expression on his face as he held his phone aloft and extracted much of my hair from within his phone in a very exaggerated fashion. He also pulled out what he told me was a SIM card and put it on the small table along with his battery..... and my hair. I naturally had to investigate a little with a quick sniff of the table. A short while later The Owner is getting a little frantic as he doesn't seem able to locate the SIM card which seemed to be important somehow. I joined in his search a little to try and locate the missing SIM card. It was at this point that he started staring at me and appeared to be laughing. It would appear the errant SIM card had become stuck to my nose and I have absolutely no idea how. Unusually I was not in immediate trouble but I feel sure it will come. Oh yes, and the phone, minus my hair, is now working and trilling every few minutes as normal again. I think I shall give the badger poo a miss tonight. Don't want to antagonise him further.
What a day I have had already, and I am now not talking to The Owner. Well until teatime obviously! On Friday he left me on my own ALL DAY until the wee small hours when he came crashing through the back door full of Bon Homme expecting me to be pleased to see him. Well I was sound asleep behind the door at the time and I had just got to the bit in my dream where I am galloping through a field full of badger poo being chased by a dozen Lady Chocolate Labradors who just want me for my undoubted good looks and very obvious breeding, when the back door made heavy contact with my nose as The Owner returned. I did forgive this little faux pas on the part of The Owner because he then fed me, but last night I could quite happily have given him a quick nip on the fetlocks. He sat during last evening slurping loudly on what he described as "a fine and warming winter red" which looked to me to have come from exactly the same bottle as the one he has been slurping loudly throughout the summer too. But what do I know? I'm a K9... He took himself off to bed as normal last night and then about half past two the inevitable grumblings from up stairs start. Why he doesn't just give in to it and come downstairs and have his wee escapes me. But we have to go in for this half an hour of pointless resistance until his bladder, stretched to bursting point, forces him to jump out of bed and rush down the stairs with the greatest sense of urgency, casting aside anything which happened to be not in his way. As the grumbling reached its customary crescendo upstairs I hear him throw back the duvet and launch himself out of bed. Followed immediately by a bang so loud that I thought he had circumvented the normal rush down the stairs by coming straight through the ceiling! Whilst he was "performing" I took the liberty of wandering upstairs to investigate, only to find that his bed had collapsed and now resembled a heap of firewood with a mattress on top. I was not about to risk any blame coming my way and went downstairs again quickly and hid. So at three in the morning he wanders in from the shed, wearing just his socks, armed with hammers, tubes of glue and electric screwdrivers. There then followed half an hours frantic DIY activity upstairs, with lots of banging and screwing. By half past three he was back downstairs with a triumphant smile on his face but his fingers were stuck together. He felt he was incapable of sleep after so much activity, so I had to stay awake too so he could watch the recording of yesterdays qualifying somewhere the other side of Swindon.... followed at six by the F1 race with the very fast and very noisy cars with nowhere for the K9 to sit, as they race all the way back to where they started from. Then we switch over to watch the very fast and noisy motorbikes from somewhere the other side of Swindon do it as well. I can't sleep at all though, as my comfy cushion is in front of the TV speakers. He, on the other hand, can sleep standing up at a U2 concert (and has) and the final straw came when he dropped off to sleep and dropped his mug of tea on my head and then looked at me with that accusing look in his eye as though I am now responsible for the wet patch on the carpet! So until teatime I shall be turning my back on him!
We have been working from home today! Which as far as I could tell involved putting up pictures and cleaning, but who am I to argue? I have Bonios! After lunch a very jolly man from BT came and fixed The Owner's phone for him and I would just like to point out that I had absolutely no hand in breaking it (as far as I am aware). But by this time the damage had been done; The Owner had discovered a new way of mocking me and need I say more than it involves the ruddy Dyson! But not in the usual way of chasing me with it. I mentioned the dreaded "C" word,,,,,,,, cleaning. He was doing his bit flitting around the place with his duster and wearing that ridiculous pinnie with the bra and panties on the front and I am frankly relieved when he has finished his cleaning and takes it off again without having anyone come to the door. But inevitably his activity gets around to the ruddy Dyson, when he noticed something he hadn't noticed before and makes the most of it at my expense. There is now a new unit of measurement he has invented today, known as a "Dyson inch". After chasing round the carpets randomly he notices that the dust is at the bottom of the clear plastic thingy and my hair and other fluffy stuff, being lighter, is now well towards the top. He has reasoned that the dust is down to him and everything else is down to me. So he parades around holding the clear plastic bit of the Dyson like a glass of fine wine studying it and pronounces that there is just the one "Dyson inch" for him and one.... two......three....six "Dyson inches" for me! As if I am meant to feel guilty about it!!!!! Oh how I wish the vicar had called whilst he still had his pinnie on!!
This weekend has been one of great excitement and it's a job to know where to begin to be honest. At the beginning I guess? Saturday morning The Owner came grumbling down the stairs and after a brief shouting match with a recalcitrant toaster we headed for the studio. Nothing unusual so far you will be thinking I am sure. After a brief shouting match with his computer he grabbed some keys I haven't seen before, locked up the studio and and walked to the small car park and opened..... A van!!!!! I like vans for two reasons, 1) I can sit much higher on the seats, to a height befitting my status, and 2) ...... I can lick the windscreen!!!! The Owner had a strange smile across his face as he drove the van down the road, strange in that it doesn't happen so often. He even waved happily at Police Hoomun as we entered Devizes. He doesn't know Police Hoomun, but he waved anyway which caused a certain amount of puzzlement for Police Hoomun who then proceeded to check his buttons and zips just in case. We drove a long way along roads which were vaguely familiar to me, not in the weeing up posts kind of a way, just that I had seen them all before somewhere. After a long while during, which I cleaned most of the windscreen, and the side window (I did try and venture across The Owners side of the van at one point but it seemed less than favourably received and I didn't want to upset his seemingly happy disposition) we arrived at a house that I definitely hadn't seen before at the same time as Owners Biker Sister. You'll be pleased to know that this time she hadn't been eaten by a space alien! Then out of the house came Diesel Dog Daughter, so I wee'd on the plant by the front door which didn't seem to go down so well either. Further investigation revealed no evidence of Diesel Dog, so at least there would be no demented badger running, but it also revealed no evidence of anything at all. The house was empty!! Then there was a great amount of noise outside and a motorbike arrived with a different space alien on it. I have had some experience of these space aliens before and was a little less shocked when it took off its head, only this one appeared to have eaten Small Boy!
It was all getting very disturbing to be honest so I went and sat in the corner and just watched. After their tea, during which I did not get even a sniff of any hoomun biscuit and they said it was for my own benefit (I think I should be the judge of that) they rushed around and got me very excited and then opened the back door. Well what do you do when you get all excited and someone opens the back door? You rush outside, that's what! I was duped I was! No sooner had I rushed outside in great excitement, than I heard the door close again behind me! Only no one was out there being excited with me! Duped I was !!!! After what seemed an age I was let back in again. I refused at first, in protest at being duped, but then someone mentioned a Bonio so they were all forgiven, obviously. When I returned inside, the previously empty house was now full of stuff and boxes which I was tempted to wee on but resisted. The Owner could see my confusion so offered some explanation by suggesting there had been a big beam of white light and all this stuff just appeared. He laughed very loudly at this but no one else did, so it was clearly one of his jokes again and I should really stop watching for further beams of white light full of boxes.
There suddenly seemed to be great excitement outside and the door flew open as Diesel Dog launched himself through the door in a frenzy of demented badger running. He was on a lead, which seemed to be attached to an outstretched arm. The outstretched arm was in turn attached to an outstretched Diesel Dog Daughter who seemed to be joining in his demented badger running round and around the house, until The Owner rescued her and detached the lead from her arm and she sat down looking exhausted, with some cake this time. You will note that I still wasn't allowed any. Owners Biker Sister also wandered in with a soft toy under her arm, (one of those furry things with a squeaker inside it I thought) and put it on the carpet. I made note of it for future fun and play..... until it grew legs and started running around on its own! I have now met Nordstrom K9! It had far too much on its mind for my liking and I felt sure my ears were designed to help me hear. But I realise now they were intended only for Nordstrom to hang from! I can't quite manage mirrors but I feel sure if I could I would see in one properly I would now have a few rows of teeth marks in them that are strangely Nordstrom shaped. The van is such a peaceful place..... and free of Nordstrom and Diesel Dog as it happens, who was still running from room to room like a demented badger when we left some time later.
I have just developed a very negative opinion of Mouse! When The Owner has his tea, I get A BONIO! And a few Markies, but it's the Bonio that is important! We also have this game He likes to play where He throws a biscuit and then I have to sit and dribble a lot whilst I await the clearance to go and jump on the biscuit. Well, He throws the biscuit and I start the routine and give it my full attention.... And a lot of dribble. I only turned away for a moment, just to get a better look at Him and when I turned back Mouse was disappearing through the gap under the back door with MY BONIO!!! I will be going for a lie down in the old pig sty if any one wants me!
I like Sundays! Been on patrol with The Owner, found something vaguely organic to roll in, been chased with the hose pipe. Now I have to work on my relationship with my comfy cushion whilst trying not to relive my experiences of the day so vividly in my dreams that I start twitching violently and incur the mocking attentions of The Owner. I do like Sundays.
Yesterday we had an inspeckshun at the new cottage! I have never had one of them before and was a little unsure of what to expect from it. We have now had the inspeckshun and to be honest I am still a little less than clear on what one of them is. For two days beforehand he has been plaguing me with that ruddy Dyson and a selection of buckets and mops. If it was shiny it has been mopped and if it was anything else then it was Dysonned. You can see my dilemma having both a a shiny nose and furry undercarriage but I managed to survive most of it. By teatime on the night before our inspeckshun even I could see the benefits of his efforts as the cottage and garden looked very nice and he flopped down on the settee with a glass of wine in one hand (and nothing in the other to be honest but I felt I ought to clarify that). One glass drank, he now has a bottle in the other hand and so another glass is poured and he was sat there eyeing up the remainder of the bottle when the boiler made its opinions known and started making some very strange noises. The Owner tried to ignore it but its opinions became louder and it started to make some very strange smells. The Owner went into the kitchen to investigate. Well I wasn't! I have never seen a boiler get into a paddy over anything and I was not sure what to expect. There was much swearing coming from the kitchen so I ventured to poke my nose around the corner and was somewhat alarmed to note that the boiler was wheezing black smoke and soot from every crack and fissure. The Owner went outside and spent a while looking up at the chimney which is where a lot of black snow seemed to be falling from. The evening was not going well!
He tried to ignore it and concentrate on the matter in hand, his wine glass, but gave that up when his eyes were streaming so badly from the fumes that he looked like he had just watched an episode of DIY SOS. He gave in and turned the boiler off and in the morning Plumber Hoomun was summoned to give the boiler a stiff talking to. Plumber Hoomun brought in his vacuum cleaner which was not a ruddy Dyson, but he affectionately referred to it as Henry. So they must be friends (I thought). It got worse! Henry was about to be written off Plumber Hoomuns (and The Owners) Christmas card list as he burst his bag and sent clouds of black soot into the air only to settle on the kitchen floor, work surfaces and anything else which had a upward facing surface including me! With the air thick with soot, dust and profanities, there was a knock at the door and Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun turned up. The Owners day was going from bad to worse and although it was raining at the time he wandered off up the garden and sat under the tree on his bench with a mug of tea and left Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun and Plumber Hoomun to argue about the dust and soot in the new cottage. I did look through the door but the argument was still raging inside so I opted for the safer option and went and sat beside him in the garden. He was feeling a little subdued that afternoon which was ok as I did get an extra Bonio out of it, so the day turned out ok in the end. But I think I am in no particular hurry to understand inspeckshuns further!
This morning was an early start, particularly for a Sunday, and such things usually end badly for someone. Usually me as it happens! When The Owner hasn't had enough sleep his temper isn't at its best and then one of my little indiscretions unleashes much angst. I could have had no idea of the turn of events which would have resulted from this early rise on the the part of The Owner. It was well before Blackbird came and sat on the gutter above the porch door and starts shouting about his prowess in the lady department, when I heard the now customary descent of the stairs above me ending predictably with him missing the bottom step and joining the rack of DVDs at the foot of the stairs. Having recovered from his launch into the morning he came wandering through to let me out. I really must get the hang of this back door opening inwards! I am sure my head is getting a ridge down the side from my efforts at rushing through the door before it is quite open enough and squashing my head against the radiator. That was just the start of it and the only bit today which so far has involved me. He is on an economy drive again and although it is way before daylight, he doesn't put the kitchen lights on. He declares to any who will listen that "We didn't have electric lights in days gone by and managed then". I think he did have electric lights, but we won't argue that point here. I heard the tea caddy opened, then count the teaspoonfuls of tea... 1..... 2 ....3. All good so far. The kettle is starting to sing nicely above on the table then the sugar pot is opened, I hear him count out loud "..1......and a little bit because I am worth it". He then laughs gently at his own joke. It's going well. The kettle boils and lets out a loud click and he pours the water quickly into the pot and then fumbles around until he can find the lid to the teapot and put it on. Why doesn't he just turn the lights on??? Milk next; I hear the milk lid being unscrewed and slopped into the cup... long pause.....much swearing starts above me and I return to my bed where it is safe but I can still keep an eye on him. The tea leaves were put in the cup and he now has a teapot full of nothing but hot water! A second kettle was put on and his cup full of tea leaves, milk and sugar was poured down the sink and rinsed out ready for the next attempt. As the kettle was starting to get to it's crescendo he was trying to make sure he hadn't already put tea leaves into the pot already, so stuck his fingers in the teapot to make sure. Yes that would be the same pot which is already full of recently boiled water and hasn't yet been emptied! Why doesn't he just turn on the lights??? He is now, predictably, walking round with a hand so fully bandaged it looks as though he has got his hand stuck in a small white football! So far he has found no one to get any sympathy from, so I suspect there may be a trip to the pub at lunch time and I will try and find a way of escaping the embarrassment. How has he made it this far in life??
This evening Owners Daughter arrived at the studio and kicked me off the settee that I am allowed on. I feel it is me that should be putting my paws on my hips here. Well I am allowed on that one! I did forgive her almost immediately as she let me in her car and then put my dinner down for me. When The Owner arrived (eventually) we went to the pub by the canal. Now, I like canals! I was also hopeful of a splash in the canal but I would just like to say that if there's just one more reference to "stinky labs" I will officially be having a hump about it! Owners Daughter seemed to think it was a good idea to let me into the canal until The Owner said I would make her car smell of stinky labs. This I can tolerate, but when we got back to the New Cottage I wanted to write up my reports on my day, except Owners Daughter wanted to check her emails! Well hello!!!!! Exactly who's laptop is it anyway???
