This weekend has left me with one or two little conundrums! Firstly, birthdays. Why do hoomuns celebrate birthdays and why do they always cheat when it comes to telling everyone how many they have had?
Now I know that when I have a birthday The Owner tells me that it goes up in sevens. At the weekend it was Pub Landlady's birthday and so on Sunday lunchtime we went to wish her a Happy Birthday (and have more drink!) and I distinctly remember last year and I remember how old she told everyone she was, so why was everyone trying to make her feel better by telling her that she was only one year older? I know she should have been seven years older! My second conundrum was Burns night. Why do hoomuns celebrate someone getting burnt? Every time The Owner gets burnt on the wood burner (which is often) he doesn't do any celebrating. He dances around the living room carpet a lot holding his hand or his knee on these occasions but as far as I know he doesn't celebrate the anniversary. He would probably be celebrating every night if that were the case. Nevertheless he went out on Saturday night to celebrate Burns night and that was probably the most strange event I think he has ever taken me to. There were men there wearing skirts!!!! And everyone was going round saying things that I didn't understand and then laughing loudly as if at their own jokes. As for that man wearing a skirt with some animal under his arm that was wailing loudly. To be fair, if he was blowing loudly through a stick in me I fear I may have a less than favourable opinion on the matter myself. When he got home he kept rushing around the house holding his belly and his mouth making some very strange noises and was still doing the same the next morning when I got up for my breakfast. It all seems very strange to me!
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Well he came back yesterday evening....... eventually! I suspect that he had been to the pub as he smelled strongly of wine and brandy. So did his new found drinking companion Farm Owner who also had the faintest whiff about him of something a little less pleasant, although I had better say little about that as I feel I may come in for a little flack about where the odour came from.
We wandered back up the road in a particularly round about kind of way, presumably to avoid the ice and other frozen detritus which still spews forth from the manhole cover near the office. It must be much worse than I feared as he walked from side to side of the road all the way back to the cottage. He was also singing loudly which was a wholly unpleasant experience and I think a completely new way of using the voice in melody. He basically said all the words on the same note and just varied the volume louder or quieter as required. This morning he is a little quieter and has mercifully stopped his singing and is instead growling quite a lot at anyone who comes anywhere near him. I think I may try my luck at getting another breakfast at the manor, it may be safer to spend the day down there. Nearly forgot! I have a new friend today who refers to me as Posh Jack. I think I like this. Being recognised for one's breeding has it's benefits. Had I mentioned I was born on Lord Bath's Estate?
We wandered back up the road in a particularly round about kind of way, presumably to avoid the ice and other frozen detritus which still spews forth from the manhole cover near the office. It must be much worse than I feared as he walked from side to side of the road all the way back to the cottage. He was also singing loudly which was a wholly unpleasant experience and I think a completely new way of using the voice in melody. He basically said all the words on the same note and just varied the volume louder or quieter as required. This morning he is a little quieter and has mercifully stopped his singing and is instead growling quite a lot at anyone who comes anywhere near him. I think I may try my luck at getting another breakfast at the manor, it may be safer to spend the day down there. Nearly forgot! I have a new friend today who refers to me as Posh Jack. I think I like this. Being recognised for one's breeding has it's benefits. Had I mentioned I was born on Lord Bath's Estate?
My Entanglement with Farm Owner
It's been a very difficult day here! When The Owner and I wandered to work this morning, through the frosty grass, we noticed that the road as we approached the farm was getting very icy, well I did anyway as there was a decided loss of traction and I don't think it was appreciated much when I managed to knock Farm Owner to the floor in a particularly daring power slide!
It would seem that the drains on the farm had blocked over night and all kind of matter had backed up and lifted the drain cover and flooded across the road and then frozen. No harm done I felt! He got up and removed the odd bit of soggy paper from his jacket and went about his business grumbling a little about dogs being fenced in or something. When we went home for lunch I did my usual trick and as soon as the door was open I burst forth into the sunshine. Well not all the ice had thawed where the sun hadn't got yet and I found that bit quite quickly. Ok, so it may have been a little unfortunate that Farm Owner was going home for dinner at the time and I now realise what the other stuff that went with the soggy paper was, as it had now thawed and reverted to its original state. Personally, I think Farm Owner made just a little too much of the whole thing when I knocked him over for the second time today and I could see absolutely no merit in him rolling in that stuff like that! If I were his owner I think I would have made him wait in the boot room until he had cleaned himself up a little! If I had left little dollops, well big dollops actually, like that all over the place I think The Owner may have had an opinion on the matter. So I'm not really understanding at the moment why it is that I am confined to the tack room over this! It's dark now, I hope The Owner hasn't forgotten about me, it's awfully quiet out there.
Hellooooo!!!
It would seem that the drains on the farm had blocked over night and all kind of matter had backed up and lifted the drain cover and flooded across the road and then frozen. No harm done I felt! He got up and removed the odd bit of soggy paper from his jacket and went about his business grumbling a little about dogs being fenced in or something. When we went home for lunch I did my usual trick and as soon as the door was open I burst forth into the sunshine. Well not all the ice had thawed where the sun hadn't got yet and I found that bit quite quickly. Ok, so it may have been a little unfortunate that Farm Owner was going home for dinner at the time and I now realise what the other stuff that went with the soggy paper was, as it had now thawed and reverted to its original state. Personally, I think Farm Owner made just a little too much of the whole thing when I knocked him over for the second time today and I could see absolutely no merit in him rolling in that stuff like that! If I were his owner I think I would have made him wait in the boot room until he had cleaned himself up a little! If I had left little dollops, well big dollops actually, like that all over the place I think The Owner may have had an opinion on the matter. So I'm not really understanding at the moment why it is that I am confined to the tack room over this! It's dark now, I hope The Owner hasn't forgotten about me, it's awfully quiet out there.
Hellooooo!!!
The Floaters
The nerve of some people! On patrol this morning to work and just wandering past the pond looking for a suitable post to unload the bladder on. (I can't manage for quite as long as I used to since the overload required to cover up the destruction of my territory caused by the hounds last week.) When you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! Just because a piece of wood will float there is no need to prove it by throwing it in MY pond! The Owner has been in once this year which he will probably reason is enough for him and so it will fall to me to drag it out I suppose. Such responsibility I bear!
No Oil = Cold House
This is the second night running! Fire lit, candles lit, the rest of that bottle and a book. The good thing is I get the carpet in front of the fire again, which is just as well as the heating oil did run out as HE forgot to order it and the rest of the house is cold.
No Oil = Cold House
This is the second night running! Fire lit, candles lit, the rest of that bottle and a book. The good thing is I get the carpet in front of the fire again, which is just as well as the heating oil did run out as HE forgot to order it and the rest of the house is cold.
The Owner Visits The Pond
Let me just say from the start, I am in the boot room, door closed. I can throw no light whatsoever on The Owner's behaviour last night, he sat there all evening crunching on a burnt pizza (of which he gave me none), slurping at his wine glass periodically, burping, then spouting Shakespearean sonnets to no-one in particular.
It wasn't the usual over indulgence of wine, as when I did a quick patrol of the living room carpet this morning for crumbs, I happened to notice that the bottle was still half full. This morning on patrol he stopped near the pond and after a while stepped up to the edge, threw his had back and looked at the sky as if about to compose the sonnet that Shakespeare forgot to write. To be fair I was looking for an opportunity to accidentally nudge him off balance but nature has a wonderful way of intervening at these moments to create that for which you yearn. He hadn't taken his blood pressure pills this morning before we left and throwing his head back like that caused him to have a dizzy moment and lose his balance and fall straight in the pond. When he surfaced, looking a little silly with that weed on his shoulders, I was the first thing he saw and so by association it must have been my fault!
I am now in the boot room, there is a trail of water spreading across the kitchen floor emanating from a heap of sodden clothes and two boots and The Owner is upstairs lounging in a hot bath. I think there could be more grumbling when he gets out as I can hear the heating pumping but the radiator is cold; I fear he may have forgotten to order any oil again. This could be a very long day!
It wasn't the usual over indulgence of wine, as when I did a quick patrol of the living room carpet this morning for crumbs, I happened to notice that the bottle was still half full. This morning on patrol he stopped near the pond and after a while stepped up to the edge, threw his had back and looked at the sky as if about to compose the sonnet that Shakespeare forgot to write. To be fair I was looking for an opportunity to accidentally nudge him off balance but nature has a wonderful way of intervening at these moments to create that for which you yearn. He hadn't taken his blood pressure pills this morning before we left and throwing his head back like that caused him to have a dizzy moment and lose his balance and fall straight in the pond. When he surfaced, looking a little silly with that weed on his shoulders, I was the first thing he saw and so by association it must have been my fault!
I am now in the boot room, there is a trail of water spreading across the kitchen floor emanating from a heap of sodden clothes and two boots and The Owner is upstairs lounging in a hot bath. I think there could be more grumbling when he gets out as I can hear the heating pumping but the radiator is cold; I fear he may have forgotten to order any oil again. This could be a very long day!
A night by the fire
Don't know what has got into The Owner tonight. Candles lit, fire stoked up, and he sits there, on his own with a glass of wine in his hand and a silly grin on his face. I'm not bothered personally, I've got the carpet by the fire! Happy days!
The Damage Caused by Hounds
Yesterday the hunt came around the farm, hounds and horses everywhere! The Owner kept me in the office with him, out of the way, which I was more than a little relieved about. But going home last night, what destruction! All my weeing posts and tufts of grass etc. all wee'd up by hounds!
Well I didn't have enough on board (as it were) to put right all the damage. I did try but it was just a token effort. So at about four this morning I started taking on water and emptied the big dish The Owner puts down for me. When he got up, I resisted the temptation to go up the garden for the customary mini patrol and wee and instead took on more water. By about half past eight (our normal time of going to work) the pressure was getting quite intense but I took on more water to be sure and went and sat by the front door waiting. What was going on? He made himself a second cup of tea and sat down again! Why does he have to choose today to go in late? We eventually went in at half past nine and to be honest, walking was a little uncomfortable by then. But I persevered and just about managed to get all the damage put right, my territory is once again protected.
Well I didn't have enough on board (as it were) to put right all the damage. I did try but it was just a token effort. So at about four this morning I started taking on water and emptied the big dish The Owner puts down for me. When he got up, I resisted the temptation to go up the garden for the customary mini patrol and wee and instead took on more water. By about half past eight (our normal time of going to work) the pressure was getting quite intense but I took on more water to be sure and went and sat by the front door waiting. What was going on? He made himself a second cup of tea and sat down again! Why does he have to choose today to go in late? We eventually went in at half past nine and to be honest, walking was a little uncomfortable by then. But I persevered and just about managed to get all the damage put right, my territory is once again protected.
There's Water in the Pond!!!!!!!
You will remember, I am sure, how the water in the pond disappeared suddenly whilst we were on holiday last summer. There have been several who have been under my suspicion since and we have had several false starts when I thought there may have been water coming back, but all to no avail. The pond has stayed resolutely free of water! I have even suspected space aliens of being behind it!
Now strange things happen around here all of a sudden, a week or so ago we went to work in the morning slipping and sliding through the snow and ice, and when we came out that night it had all gone! Every last bit of cold stuff had been taken away whilst we were in the office for the day. But who could have undertaken such a herculean feat?
The pond, I'm sorry I digress, I have been using it as a bit of a race track recently. Wee up telegraph post, then run down through the dry pond and up the other side and wee up Dairy Lady Hoomun's car before The Owner has seen what I am up to and I do the same thing in reverse going home at night. Last night it was dry as normal when I ran through it. This morning The Owner got up at a silly time and I was worried that he may have been planning to wander off across the fields again and not be seen again for several weeks so I took his boots and hid them behind the ironing board. He never uses that anyway so I thought they would remain undiscovered behind there. He didn't wander across the fields so I needn't have worried but when he came to look for his boots I had to find a way of sneaking them back in. If he had looked behind the ironing board he may have found some of the other little treasures I have hidden there since Owners Daughter went home again and that would probably have started my day badly. His boots on and smelly Barbour Jacket round his shoulders we started off down the road for the office. Now I was so pleased he hadn't wandered off and we were going for our normal patrol before the office I wasn't really looking where I was going. Post wee'd up and on at break neck speed through the pond for Dairy Lady Hoomun's car...... (splutter!) Who the hell filled the pond over night?!?!?! It was full to the brim! Unfortunately, I was in the middle of it! The paint is wearing off the exclamation mark key on the keyboard the amount of times I am using it on this report!
The Owner chuckled and I dripped all the rest of the way to the office. I have been curled up under the desk on my blanket, which is also soggy now, and The Owner has been complaining in a very exaggerated fashion about the smell of pond weed in the office. I think he smells like a camel. Walks like one too. I think I'll be in the calf sheds if anyone wants me until I have dried off a bit. Now where could that water have come from so suddenly????
Now strange things happen around here all of a sudden, a week or so ago we went to work in the morning slipping and sliding through the snow and ice, and when we came out that night it had all gone! Every last bit of cold stuff had been taken away whilst we were in the office for the day. But who could have undertaken such a herculean feat?
The pond, I'm sorry I digress, I have been using it as a bit of a race track recently. Wee up telegraph post, then run down through the dry pond and up the other side and wee up Dairy Lady Hoomun's car before The Owner has seen what I am up to and I do the same thing in reverse going home at night. Last night it was dry as normal when I ran through it. This morning The Owner got up at a silly time and I was worried that he may have been planning to wander off across the fields again and not be seen again for several weeks so I took his boots and hid them behind the ironing board. He never uses that anyway so I thought they would remain undiscovered behind there. He didn't wander across the fields so I needn't have worried but when he came to look for his boots I had to find a way of sneaking them back in. If he had looked behind the ironing board he may have found some of the other little treasures I have hidden there since Owners Daughter went home again and that would probably have started my day badly. His boots on and smelly Barbour Jacket round his shoulders we started off down the road for the office. Now I was so pleased he hadn't wandered off and we were going for our normal patrol before the office I wasn't really looking where I was going. Post wee'd up and on at break neck speed through the pond for Dairy Lady Hoomun's car...... (splutter!) Who the hell filled the pond over night?!?!?! It was full to the brim! Unfortunately, I was in the middle of it! The paint is wearing off the exclamation mark key on the keyboard the amount of times I am using it on this report!
The Owner chuckled and I dripped all the rest of the way to the office. I have been curled up under the desk on my blanket, which is also soggy now, and The Owner has been complaining in a very exaggerated fashion about the smell of pond weed in the office. I think he smells like a camel. Walks like one too. I think I'll be in the calf sheds if anyone wants me until I have dried off a bit. Now where could that water have come from so suddenly????
Thoughts on Christmas
This hoomun Christmas thing has left me a little confused. Christmas eve we went home from the office taking particular care to keep The Owner out of the ditch after sharing just one too many glasses of port with Dairy Man and when we got back home he dived into the post box on the wall. One of these days he is really going to fall in that thing!
But...... he produced a big parcel from its depths...........for me!!!!!!! I think I am going to enjoy Christmas I thought. This was from a place called Oztralya! Now, I have never heard of this place so I guess it must be the other side of Swindon. But I had MY OWN Christmas card and little pressie and he didn't even grumble when more of that sparkly stuff fell out on the carpet!!! Anyway, Christmas Day saw us going to work until Dairy Man came out with another glass of port. The Owner disappeared and left me in the office with my Christmas pressie from Oztralya and a bit of festive tinsel. I wasn't quite sure what the significance of the tinsel was so I ate it. It was quite a strange experience to see it lying on the ground behind me when it came out again and I think The Owner may have worked out where it went! On Boxing day he was a bit poorly and the day after he was very poorly! He kept saying it was something to do with the flu. Now I'm clearly not understanding something here, coz I kept looking up the chimney and the flu from the woodburner seemed to be working perfectly! He was making lots of strange hissing noises as he breathed as well. He has clearly got fed up with that game now so things are back to normal again. Still no grumbling though!
But...... he produced a big parcel from its depths...........for me!!!!!!! I think I am going to enjoy Christmas I thought. This was from a place called Oztralya! Now, I have never heard of this place so I guess it must be the other side of Swindon. But I had MY OWN Christmas card and little pressie and he didn't even grumble when more of that sparkly stuff fell out on the carpet!!! Anyway, Christmas Day saw us going to work until Dairy Man came out with another glass of port. The Owner disappeared and left me in the office with my Christmas pressie from Oztralya and a bit of festive tinsel. I wasn't quite sure what the significance of the tinsel was so I ate it. It was quite a strange experience to see it lying on the ground behind me when it came out again and I think The Owner may have worked out where it went! On Boxing day he was a bit poorly and the day after he was very poorly! He kept saying it was something to do with the flu. Now I'm clearly not understanding something here, coz I kept looking up the chimney and the flu from the woodburner seemed to be working perfectly! He was making lots of strange hissing noises as he breathed as well. He has clearly got fed up with that game now so things are back to normal again. Still no grumbling though!
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Niecin Bournmuff
Further evidence of The Owner's reformed personality emerged last night. We shuffled home, that is to say, I bounded athletically whilst The Owner slid precariously from frozen puddle to frozen puddle.
When we got there he dived in to the post box by the door and retrieved several brightly coloured letters and a couple of startled spiders and a big brown envelope. Normally brown envelopes are left unopened for a couple of days and then opened, resulting, usually, in head being held in hands whilst shouting "How Much!" Today however it was opened immediately, producing several smaller brightly coloured envelopes. I have seen this kind of trick done before and then the smaller envelopes are opened and several more coloured envelopes are produced and then everyone claps wildly. However they were addressed to various people including one to The Owner and me. That was three cards I have had now! He told me they were sent from Niecein Bournmuff. I'm not sure if I have met Niecin Bournmuff yet but she sounds like she is from a very long way away, perhaps near Swindon somewhere. When he opened the envelope there was loads of little silver bits went all over the carpet! Normally, the fact that my name was on the envelope would have been enough to have made it my fault somehow so I quickly turned for the boot room as a precaution however he laughed! I am kinds getting used to this un-grumpy The Owner now, but I have to confess I don't understand it.
When we got there he dived in to the post box by the door and retrieved several brightly coloured letters and a couple of startled spiders and a big brown envelope. Normally brown envelopes are left unopened for a couple of days and then opened, resulting, usually, in head being held in hands whilst shouting "How Much!" Today however it was opened immediately, producing several smaller brightly coloured envelopes. I have seen this kind of trick done before and then the smaller envelopes are opened and several more coloured envelopes are produced and then everyone claps wildly. However they were addressed to various people including one to The Owner and me. That was three cards I have had now! He told me they were sent from Niecein Bournmuff. I'm not sure if I have met Niecin Bournmuff yet but she sounds like she is from a very long way away, perhaps near Swindon somewhere. When he opened the envelope there was loads of little silver bits went all over the carpet! Normally, the fact that my name was on the envelope would have been enough to have made it my fault somehow so I quickly turned for the boot room as a precaution however he laughed! I am kinds getting used to this un-grumpy The Owner now, but I have to confess I don't understand it.
Snowballs at Jack
Come on Jack, they said. Come and have a picture taken beside the snow man, they said. Before it melts, they said. They all stood around smiling (I thought) with their hands behind their backs. So never being one to turn down a good opportunity of having ones picture taken, I obliged. That was when I realised that the benign smiles were actually evil, menacing grins, as they all produced snowballs from behind there backs! If anyone wants me I'll be indoors by the woodburner and if that gets too crowded I'll be over at the manor in their boot room by the boiler!
Diesel Dog and the Sherry
Well his good mood is still surviving, despite the kind of provocation certain to have induced a serious grumbling session formerly. Small Boy arrived and immediately set to work with the old "Snowball down The Owners Neck Routine".... not a grumble! In fact he seemed to enjoy it and retaliated with much laughter and merriment.
I am not really grasping this whole snow thing here; you go outside and throw loads of frozen white stuff everywhere, roll in it (and I remember what I left underneath that snow) get wet trousers, jackets and gloves, freezing hands and feet; then tell everyone what fun you've had! It is clearly a hoomun thing! Just leave me with a square of carpet and a stoked up woodburner and let me know when you come back indoors!
Diesel Dog Daughter came up again with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Snow and a big garden and Diesel Dog had to do more demented badger running up and down the path across the back of the garden. Now this is something else I am just not getting! What is it about that path that he has to run up and down it like that? I must have a go myself, but not until the white stuff has gone! I don't mind sharing my square of carpet in front of the fire but I don't share my cushion and you may remember I had to have an opinion about that when last they visited. It clearly worked as Diesel Dog didn't try and evict me from it unceremoniously like last time. However I thought The Owner was going to start grumbling again when he was having his daily glass of sherry when coming in from the cold. He sat down on the floor and put his glass beside him. Diesel Dog was patrolling the living room carpet and as he passed, dunked his tongue in the unguarded glass. The Owner just laughed! Although it was funny, the faces Diesel Dog pulled at the taste of The Owner's cheap sherry. I have seen the faces The Owner pulls at it sometimes and he is used to the taste! I don't think Diesel Dog will be trying any of The Owners unguarded glasses left within reach for a while.
I am not really grasping this whole snow thing here; you go outside and throw loads of frozen white stuff everywhere, roll in it (and I remember what I left underneath that snow) get wet trousers, jackets and gloves, freezing hands and feet; then tell everyone what fun you've had! It is clearly a hoomun thing! Just leave me with a square of carpet and a stoked up woodburner and let me know when you come back indoors!
Diesel Dog Daughter came up again with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Snow and a big garden and Diesel Dog had to do more demented badger running up and down the path across the back of the garden. Now this is something else I am just not getting! What is it about that path that he has to run up and down it like that? I must have a go myself, but not until the white stuff has gone! I don't mind sharing my square of carpet in front of the fire but I don't share my cushion and you may remember I had to have an opinion about that when last they visited. It clearly worked as Diesel Dog didn't try and evict me from it unceremoniously like last time. However I thought The Owner was going to start grumbling again when he was having his daily glass of sherry when coming in from the cold. He sat down on the floor and put his glass beside him. Diesel Dog was patrolling the living room carpet and as he passed, dunked his tongue in the unguarded glass. The Owner just laughed! Although it was funny, the faces Diesel Dog pulled at the taste of The Owner's cheap sherry. I have seen the faces The Owner pulls at it sometimes and he is used to the taste! I don't think Diesel Dog will be trying any of The Owners unguarded glasses left within reach for a while.
I Don't Do Cold Paws!
A dog has to prepare for this cold you know. I mean.... cold paws? Unthinkable!
The Snow Fall
Look, please, I've done my patrol, I refrained from weeing up the neighbours kids snowman (as instructed). I am cold, I have wiped my paws on the mat, now can I please come in? I know you've lit the woodburner and there's a little square of carpet in front of it with my name on!
Returning to Work
I am very concerned! I am beginning to suspect that there may be some kind of plot by sinister forces going on. It started with the water in the pond going missing (Still dry, even though they put a new box of electric by it!) and now I am beginning to suspect something may have happened to The Owner!
You may recall before The Owner went away that I was predicting a row with Water Cooler Office Lady because the water cooler had sprung a leak. Today was the first day that Owners Daughter has allowed him to go back to work. It was really nice to wander down to the office this morning, a patrol I have missed for some months now. There was a lot of sniffs I have missed for far too long and many posts that required weeing up and tufts of grass and other stuff like that on our patrol. We got here and it was like opening some vault, lots of cobwebs and a general silence that suggested that nothing had been there for quite a while. There was also an empty water cooler, a smell of damp carpets (for which I will not be held responsible on this occasion) and a big puddle in the corner (also nothing to do with me). He dials the number for Water Cooler Office Lady and the conversation is along these lines...... Hi Karen (Dunno what he calls her that for, I know her name is Water Cooler Office Lady!) How are you?........ That's so good to hear..............Yes, we have a problem with the water cooler.......... No next week will be fine...............I'll leave it in your capable hands.......No, thank you!....................Click!
Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He would never have turned down a good opportunity like this for a row and I suspect Water Cooler Office Lady thought so too as she rang straight back to check it really was actually him that had called. He has been like this since he came back from hospital. He looks like The Owner, he has The Owner's voice, now we have got rid of the smell of hospitals he even smells like The Owner (a mixture of cheap cologne and stale Barbour jackets), but, but, but..... I think he has been swapped for a space alien!!!!
You may recall before The Owner went away that I was predicting a row with Water Cooler Office Lady because the water cooler had sprung a leak. Today was the first day that Owners Daughter has allowed him to go back to work. It was really nice to wander down to the office this morning, a patrol I have missed for some months now. There was a lot of sniffs I have missed for far too long and many posts that required weeing up and tufts of grass and other stuff like that on our patrol. We got here and it was like opening some vault, lots of cobwebs and a general silence that suggested that nothing had been there for quite a while. There was also an empty water cooler, a smell of damp carpets (for which I will not be held responsible on this occasion) and a big puddle in the corner (also nothing to do with me). He dials the number for Water Cooler Office Lady and the conversation is along these lines...... Hi Karen (Dunno what he calls her that for, I know her name is Water Cooler Office Lady!) How are you?........ That's so good to hear..............Yes, we have a problem with the water cooler.......... No next week will be fine...............I'll leave it in your capable hands.......No, thank you!....................Click!
Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He would never have turned down a good opportunity like this for a row and I suspect Water Cooler Office Lady thought so too as she rang straight back to check it really was actually him that had called. He has been like this since he came back from hospital. He looks like The Owner, he has The Owner's voice, now we have got rid of the smell of hospitals he even smells like The Owner (a mixture of cheap cologne and stale Barbour jackets), but, but, but..... I think he has been swapped for a space alien!!!!
The Demented Badger
Well last weekend, after several day visits from The Owner, he came home for good. Not only was Owners Daughter here, as she has been for the last few weeks, turning stuff off or down all over the place, but Diesel Dog Daughter turned up with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Very Strange Woman is not to be confused with Strange Woman who comes up with Small Boy. I know what you are thinking, "His life can get complicated can't it?". Well you're not wrong there! Any way, I took Diesel Dog out in the garden to show him the best bits to roll in and stuff like that. All he would do was run up and down the woodland path like a demented badger! Then The Owner came out to see what was going on and sat on the seat to watch. Diesel Dog came over to see what he was going doing and I'm afraid I had to show him that The Owner was my owner and not his. I have learned not to wee up his leg to claim territory so did the next best thing and sat on the seat with him.
The Demented Badger
Well last weekend, after several day visits from The Owner, he came home for good. Not only was Owners Daughter here, as she has been for the last few weeks, turning stuff off or down all over the place, but Diesel Dog Daughter turned up with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Very Strange Woman is not to be confused with Strange Woman who comes up with Small Boy. I know what you are thinking, "His life can get complicated can't it?". Well you're not wrong there! Any way, I took Diesel Dog out in the garden to show him the best bits to roll in and stuff like that. All he would do was run up and down the woodland path like a demented badger! Then The Owner came out to see what was going on and sat on the seat to watch. Diesel Dog came over to see what he was going doing and I'm afraid I had to show him that The Owner was my owner and not his. I have learned not to wee up his leg to claim territory so did the next best thing and sat on the seat with him.
Clearing the Decks
Allow me to refresh your memory at the slightly bizarre scene when last I wrote. The Owner, having been found living under the arches near the weir in Bath (thank you for the tip off from the Bath Grimebusters) was taken into the hospital with the shiny floors. Owners Daughter and Owners Dad arrived one weekend with The Owner!
Now this is where it gets weird! I got all excited (well who wouldn't?) and jumped up at him and left two muddy paw prints in the middle of his clean white shirt and pushed him backwards and left him sitting in the muddy puddle. Now ordinarily this would have induced a session of grumbling somewhat akin to that experienced by the citizens of Pompeii just before Vesuvius buried them all! All that happened was that he smiled at me, rubbed the top of my head and got up and wandered in doors dripping water from the seat of his pants! There was a lot of very loud frowns coming from Owners Daughter at my little indiscretion but a kind of benign approval, even amusement, from The Owner.
I found it very unsettling! His general demeanour didn't change much all day, unlike his shirt, trousers and underwear which had to be changed straight away because of the muddy puddle and paw prints. He also smelled strangely of hospitals unlike the more normal slightly musty aroma of his crusty old Barbour jacket. At another moment of excitement I picked up one of my little treasures from my bed to give him, which just happened to be the remains of his straw hat that he always wears to the village church fete that I stole in a moment of madness earlier in the year. Owners Daughter grabbed it quick from me and looked stern saying "He doesn't need to see that, not today!". So I did capitalise on the moment and produced several other little misdemeanour's that I had been hiding, waiting for a suitable moment to dispose of and all were grabbed quick by Owners Daughter with the same phrase "He doesn't need to see that, not today!". All were put in the bin for me, which was a very satisfactory outcome and I managed to clear the decks completely!
I have never seen The Owner so laid back nor have I ever seen him allow Owners Daughter to fuss around him and mother him quite so much without it eliciting the normal resentful grumbling. It was nice to see The Owner again for that day and again on the following day, but I would rather he just got on with being grumpy again, I know where I am with him then. More to follow but have to let Owners Daughter have the pleasure of turning the computer off again to save the planet.
Now this is where it gets weird! I got all excited (well who wouldn't?) and jumped up at him and left two muddy paw prints in the middle of his clean white shirt and pushed him backwards and left him sitting in the muddy puddle. Now ordinarily this would have induced a session of grumbling somewhat akin to that experienced by the citizens of Pompeii just before Vesuvius buried them all! All that happened was that he smiled at me, rubbed the top of my head and got up and wandered in doors dripping water from the seat of his pants! There was a lot of very loud frowns coming from Owners Daughter at my little indiscretion but a kind of benign approval, even amusement, from The Owner.
I found it very unsettling! His general demeanour didn't change much all day, unlike his shirt, trousers and underwear which had to be changed straight away because of the muddy puddle and paw prints. He also smelled strangely of hospitals unlike the more normal slightly musty aroma of his crusty old Barbour jacket. At another moment of excitement I picked up one of my little treasures from my bed to give him, which just happened to be the remains of his straw hat that he always wears to the village church fete that I stole in a moment of madness earlier in the year. Owners Daughter grabbed it quick from me and looked stern saying "He doesn't need to see that, not today!". So I did capitalise on the moment and produced several other little misdemeanour's that I had been hiding, waiting for a suitable moment to dispose of and all were grabbed quick by Owners Daughter with the same phrase "He doesn't need to see that, not today!". All were put in the bin for me, which was a very satisfactory outcome and I managed to clear the decks completely!
I have never seen The Owner so laid back nor have I ever seen him allow Owners Daughter to fuss around him and mother him quite so much without it eliciting the normal resentful grumbling. It was nice to see The Owner again for that day and again on the following day, but I would rather he just got on with being grumpy again, I know where I am with him then. More to follow but have to let Owners Daughter have the pleasure of turning the computer off again to save the planet.
Update
There's been so much going on of late so I haven't had the time to write and let you know what's been happening. I left you in the lurch a little when The Owner was let out, sorry that's what The Owner called it, sent home for a day visit. But to be honest, apart from being busy, Owners Daughter tends to turn the computer right off and with paws and claws I can't quite get to grips with turning it back on again.
Update
There's been so much going on of late so I haven't had the time to write and let you know what's been happening. I left you in the lurch a little when The Owner was let out, sorry that's what The Owner called it, sent home for a day visit. But to be honest, apart from being busy, Owners Daughter tends to turn the computer right off and with paws and claws I can't quite get to grips with turning it back on again.
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