This morning was a much more peaceful and ordered process as I awoke. A gentle buzz of birdlife in the distant background and definitely without the assault on the senses which brought me back from the world of slumber yesterday. Let me explain, and I must point out that no animals were hurt in the making of this story.
We got back yesterday afternoon from the office - sorry, studio - in daylight, which has been something I am not used to through the winter, but suddenly he is coming home an hour earlier at night. Being still daylight I felt a daylight patrol of the grounds was in order. Twas at that point I saw him, my morning nemesis! I had heard him shouting as we came through the gate, "Hoomuns are coming hoomuns are coming, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, hoomns are coming hoomuns are coming, dog, dog, dog, etc. But he had clearly forgotten about me and was busy rooting through some dried leaves looking for heaven knows what when I came upon him behind the shed. Very intent upon his mission he had no idea of my presence as I crept closer and closer. When I was only the length of a box of Bonios away from him I summoned my deepest and loudest woof which had a very profound effect and he dropped last nights worms and other stuff out of his bottom where he stood and took off across the hedge and the manor gardens with a loud "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH, its a dog its a dog its a dog, dog dog dog dog as he disappeared into the distance towards where Adge the Badge lives. If he tries to keep Adge the Badge awake with his early morning shinanegins I suspect he also may have an opinion on the matter too. I must confer with him later to see if he got woken up from his hibernation by Blackbird's infernal row.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Bloody Dawn Bloody Chorus!
Well spring has finally arrived! How do I know this? Could it be the blossom? No, can't see that for The Owner's big head as he goes around sniffing at it. Could it be the cows out in the field for the first time? No, that's not it! Could it be the daffs in the woods at the top of the garden? No, managed to wee on them already!
Done guessing? Well I'll tell you! It was that damned blackbird shouting and hollering from the top of the hedge at the back, just outside the boot room door from about half four this morning! Now I speak a bit of blackbird, being the educated well bred sort of a K9 that I am. The Owner came down stairs (after I'd already had two hours of 'Oh what a beautiful morning' in blackbird), and put the kettle on. That's when it changed to "There's hoomuns, there's hoomuns! Ooooooooh there's hoomuns!". When I burst forth in desperation from the back door to have the first wee of the morning it changed to Aaaarrrghhh there's a dog, there's a dog, there's a dog, aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! there's a dog there's a dog etc. as he disappeared over the old tennis courts (i have more to report on them later). Oh yes, be warned. The Owner has a new phone...... with a super duper camera on it. At the moment, all is safe as he can't work out how to use it. He has several pictures of his big toe and other parts of his anatomy too distressing to mention without sedation but he has no idea how he took them. It will only be a matter of time I suspect!
Done guessing? Well I'll tell you! It was that damned blackbird shouting and hollering from the top of the hedge at the back, just outside the boot room door from about half four this morning! Now I speak a bit of blackbird, being the educated well bred sort of a K9 that I am. The Owner came down stairs (after I'd already had two hours of 'Oh what a beautiful morning' in blackbird), and put the kettle on. That's when it changed to "There's hoomuns, there's hoomuns! Ooooooooh there's hoomuns!". When I burst forth in desperation from the back door to have the first wee of the morning it changed to Aaaarrrghhh there's a dog, there's a dog, there's a dog, aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! there's a dog there's a dog etc. as he disappeared over the old tennis courts (i have more to report on them later). Oh yes, be warned. The Owner has a new phone...... with a super duper camera on it. At the moment, all is safe as he can't work out how to use it. He has several pictures of his big toe and other parts of his anatomy too distressing to mention without sedation but he has no idea how he took them. It will only be a matter of time I suspect!
Friday, 25 March 2011
Mice and Ducks
Yesterday was a traumatic day for me and I felt I needed to leave it until after dark before I patrolled anywhere! We left the cottage to walk to work and The Owner predictably starts sniffing at flowers and taking yukkie pictures of blossom and other cissy stuff like that.
I had a quick look around the pond in case there were any ducks that required me to put them in their place but they had obviously learned their lesson the last time. Now, you will remember that my Bonio bucket has been empty and devoid of anything edible for a couple of days, well as we left the cottage The Owner gave me a carrot to carry, strange choice I thought but I will try anything once and I began to imagine what carrot would be like and whether I should change my allegiance to carrots as the snack of choice. Well it was a bit of a dribble fueled wander down the road carrying my mid morning snack and I now see why The Owner always puts his sandwich in a little plastic bag for the journey. We got to where the grandkids of Manor Hoomun keep their little pony, which frankly is little bigger than me and needs to grow a bit more before he can really call himself a horse at all in my opinion, when The Owner whips the carrot out of my grasp and gives it to the horse!!! I think you can safely expect reprisals for pinching my lunch! The Owner opens the office (which he has recently taken to referring to as his studio) door and I make a beeline for my Bonio bucket in case some have arrived over night. Well they might have done!!! But there, in the corner of the bucket, which was round so didn't have corners, was not one but two mice eating the crumbs from MY Bonios!!!! Well I was so traumatised by the event I had to go and have a snooze in the sun by the door. In that half awake state that I like to spend most of my days, I was enjoying the warmth of the sun and dreaming of woofing and barking and stuff when I became aware of ducks quacking. I thought it may have been part of my dream but I checked around in there and couldn't find a duck so opened one eye. Imagine my shock and terror! There on the door step, not a foot away, were two ducks looking at me. One of them even pooped on the door mat! When I tried that once when it was raining and I didn't want to get too wet I got into a right old row. Well today he can carry his own damn carrot!!!!!
I had a quick look around the pond in case there were any ducks that required me to put them in their place but they had obviously learned their lesson the last time. Now, you will remember that my Bonio bucket has been empty and devoid of anything edible for a couple of days, well as we left the cottage The Owner gave me a carrot to carry, strange choice I thought but I will try anything once and I began to imagine what carrot would be like and whether I should change my allegiance to carrots as the snack of choice. Well it was a bit of a dribble fueled wander down the road carrying my mid morning snack and I now see why The Owner always puts his sandwich in a little plastic bag for the journey. We got to where the grandkids of Manor Hoomun keep their little pony, which frankly is little bigger than me and needs to grow a bit more before he can really call himself a horse at all in my opinion, when The Owner whips the carrot out of my grasp and gives it to the horse!!! I think you can safely expect reprisals for pinching my lunch! The Owner opens the office (which he has recently taken to referring to as his studio) door and I make a beeline for my Bonio bucket in case some have arrived over night. Well they might have done!!! But there, in the corner of the bucket, which was round so didn't have corners, was not one but two mice eating the crumbs from MY Bonios!!!! Well I was so traumatised by the event I had to go and have a snooze in the sun by the door. In that half awake state that I like to spend most of my days, I was enjoying the warmth of the sun and dreaming of woofing and barking and stuff when I became aware of ducks quacking. I thought it may have been part of my dream but I checked around in there and couldn't find a duck so opened one eye. Imagine my shock and terror! There on the door step, not a foot away, were two ducks looking at me. One of them even pooped on the door mat! When I tried that once when it was raining and I didn't want to get too wet I got into a right old row. Well today he can carry his own damn carrot!!!!!
Sunday, 20 March 2011
The Roses Buds are Breaking!
I have much on my mind this morning but it started yesterday really. As I predicted, a bill for the car valet turned up in the post yesterday morning which The Owner, also predictably, felt the urge to challenge. There then followed the first return to his old grumpy self that I have witnessed since his return from the hospital.
He opened the brown envelope and then went through a routine that I haven't seen for a while of holding his head in his hands and shouting to anyone close enough to hear, "How Much?!". Also predictably was the speed and ferocity with which he dialed the number of the garage which sells very fast and very noisy cars and demanded to speak with Slippery Salesman. There then followed an argument with many good points, forcefully put and ended with The Owner saying that he would never buy another car from them. I don't like to dispel any false impressions but that kind of implies that he had bought one before doesn't it? Then this morning, having had his breakfast he wanders outside and notices that the rose on the front of the cottage has started to open its buds. He spent the next hour hanging out of the bedroom window admiring "The wonders of nature". Then on the wander down the lane to the office we passed the pond and there....floating around.....looking far too at home....were two ducks! Now you will recall from last time that I am having a pretty dim view of ducks of late after the humiliation I suffered at the hands of a group of them in front of Lady Chocolate Lab so I launched forth, into the pond and brought one of the little varmints back to The Owner. I'll give it quack quack quack! The Owner gave me a bit of a stare which seemed to imply he was less than pleased with me. Well the duck was alright when I let go.......eventually!
He opened the brown envelope and then went through a routine that I haven't seen for a while of holding his head in his hands and shouting to anyone close enough to hear, "How Much?!". Also predictably was the speed and ferocity with which he dialed the number of the garage which sells very fast and very noisy cars and demanded to speak with Slippery Salesman. There then followed an argument with many good points, forcefully put and ended with The Owner saying that he would never buy another car from them. I don't like to dispel any false impressions but that kind of implies that he had bought one before doesn't it? Then this morning, having had his breakfast he wanders outside and notices that the rose on the front of the cottage has started to open its buds. He spent the next hour hanging out of the bedroom window admiring "The wonders of nature". Then on the wander down the lane to the office we passed the pond and there....floating around.....looking far too at home....were two ducks! Now you will recall from last time that I am having a pretty dim view of ducks of late after the humiliation I suffered at the hands of a group of them in front of Lady Chocolate Lab so I launched forth, into the pond and brought one of the little varmints back to The Owner. I'll give it quack quack quack! The Owner gave me a bit of a stare which seemed to imply he was less than pleased with me. Well the duck was alright when I let go.......eventually!
Friday, 18 March 2011
The Ducks
There are times when one is grateful that there are no cameras around and yesterday was one of them. The Owner decided to tell Slimey Salesman at the garage where they sell the very loud cars that go very fast that he was going to buy one of them. He was paying far too much attention to the one without a back seat for my liking but he went out in a big black one that was very high and had big wheels.
It still went very fast and was very loud but he told them he liked it so much that they told him he could have it for a day, so he would really like it. When we took it back there were loads of snotty nose marks all over the rear screen from me, left because he kept pulling away so fast and laughing out loud at my predicament in the back with my face pressed against the glass. In fact all of me was pressed against the glass as I recall!! He went and got Lady Chocolate Lab Owner and Lady Chocolate Lab to show off to them. So now there are two of us in the back getting pressed against the glass at the back. On one occasion I was already against the glass when he pulled away and Lady Chocolate Lab got pressed against me which I found a terrible affront but then realised it was actually quite pleasant! In this journey of torture we finished up at the pub near the river where I do my best to get all the rocks out of the bottom of it. I was busy trying to demonstrate my prowess at retrieving rocks from the bottom of rivers to Lady Chocolate Lab with a particularly stubborn house brick when I became aware of lots of laughter coming from the river bank and most of it did appear to be aimed at me! When I put my head above water to get a breath of air I saw what they were laughing about. Six ducks...... all in a circle..........round me............watching!!! Oh the shame of it!!!!!!!!!! I climbed back in the big black noisy car that goes very fast and shook myself off in there, with the laughter still ringing in my ears. Lady Chocolate Lab, being a dog, isn't known for laughter but I am sure even she was laughing when she got back in the car later. My only consolation in the whole affair being that I had made something of a mess of the inside of the car and I did notice The Owner throw the keys at Slimey Salesman as he virtually ran out of the door when he took it back this morning. I am expecting another row when he tells them he isn't going to buy it and they send him a bill from the car valet. I think I may be out when that arrives.
It still went very fast and was very loud but he told them he liked it so much that they told him he could have it for a day, so he would really like it. When we took it back there were loads of snotty nose marks all over the rear screen from me, left because he kept pulling away so fast and laughing out loud at my predicament in the back with my face pressed against the glass. In fact all of me was pressed against the glass as I recall!! He went and got Lady Chocolate Lab Owner and Lady Chocolate Lab to show off to them. So now there are two of us in the back getting pressed against the glass at the back. On one occasion I was already against the glass when he pulled away and Lady Chocolate Lab got pressed against me which I found a terrible affront but then realised it was actually quite pleasant! In this journey of torture we finished up at the pub near the river where I do my best to get all the rocks out of the bottom of it. I was busy trying to demonstrate my prowess at retrieving rocks from the bottom of rivers to Lady Chocolate Lab with a particularly stubborn house brick when I became aware of lots of laughter coming from the river bank and most of it did appear to be aimed at me! When I put my head above water to get a breath of air I saw what they were laughing about. Six ducks...... all in a circle..........round me............watching!!! Oh the shame of it!!!!!!!!!! I climbed back in the big black noisy car that goes very fast and shook myself off in there, with the laughter still ringing in my ears. Lady Chocolate Lab, being a dog, isn't known for laughter but I am sure even she was laughing when she got back in the car later. My only consolation in the whole affair being that I had made something of a mess of the inside of the car and I did notice The Owner throw the keys at Slimey Salesman as he virtually ran out of the door when he took it back this morning. I am expecting another row when he tells them he isn't going to buy it and they send him a bill from the car valet. I think I may be out when that arrives.
Monday, 14 March 2011
Big Yellow Digger Driver's Dressing Down for The Tennis Court Fiasco
I knew it would happen! Yesterday The Owner was busy working and so I took myself for a patrol in the morning and felt I ought to include the manor gardens in my route as I haven't seen what Big Yellow Digger Driver did to the tennis courts in the end. It is also about the right time to go and see if Adge the Badge has come out of hibernation yet.
The Owner reckons I sleep too much but I do at least wake up every day whether it is summer or winter. I might try hibernating sometime and see how I get on. Anyway, the tennis courts, I was just at the point if breaking cover through the herbaceous borders which were looking good I thought (Old Reg the Paper Boy has done a good job with them this year), when I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Manor Hoomun and Big Yellow Digger Driver stood by what remained of the tennis courts and there was a lot of pointing going on and hands on hips and stuff like that and Big Yellow Digger Driver kept pushing his hat further and further back on his head as the pointing got wilder and then Big Yellow Digger Driver got out his book and pencil and began scribbling as Manor Hoomun was making his point. I thought I would make myself scarce as I hadn't got a book and pencil to scribble in if the going got too rough, but too late, I had been spotted! "Tactics here Jack!" I thought. Always side with the more beneficial person I thought so I risked the not getting a crust from Big Yellow Digger Driver's sandwiches and went and sat very firmly by the side of Manor Hoomun. It worked because Manor Hoomun said I had better come in and have breakfast so I did and he was always the more generous between Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun. I decided to abandon the patrol at that point as the belly was a little uncomfortable after two breakfasts. This morning Big Yellow Digger Driver has clearly been demoted! I knew he was on to a telling off by Manor Hoomun! I saw him taking a, frankly, ridiculously small little digger round to The Manor. I think I will keep well out of the way today and take a look at what he has done this evening when all is quiet again.
The Owner reckons I sleep too much but I do at least wake up every day whether it is summer or winter. I might try hibernating sometime and see how I get on. Anyway, the tennis courts, I was just at the point if breaking cover through the herbaceous borders which were looking good I thought (Old Reg the Paper Boy has done a good job with them this year), when I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Manor Hoomun and Big Yellow Digger Driver stood by what remained of the tennis courts and there was a lot of pointing going on and hands on hips and stuff like that and Big Yellow Digger Driver kept pushing his hat further and further back on his head as the pointing got wilder and then Big Yellow Digger Driver got out his book and pencil and began scribbling as Manor Hoomun was making his point. I thought I would make myself scarce as I hadn't got a book and pencil to scribble in if the going got too rough, but too late, I had been spotted! "Tactics here Jack!" I thought. Always side with the more beneficial person I thought so I risked the not getting a crust from Big Yellow Digger Driver's sandwiches and went and sat very firmly by the side of Manor Hoomun. It worked because Manor Hoomun said I had better come in and have breakfast so I did and he was always the more generous between Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun. I decided to abandon the patrol at that point as the belly was a little uncomfortable after two breakfasts. This morning Big Yellow Digger Driver has clearly been demoted! I knew he was on to a telling off by Manor Hoomun! I saw him taking a, frankly, ridiculously small little digger round to The Manor. I think I will keep well out of the way today and take a look at what he has done this evening when all is quiet again.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
The Very Important Business Meeting
Last night we had to go out for an "important business meeting". To the pub since you ask! Now I have never been on an important business meeting before, I usually get left in the car outside, so I didn't quite know what to expect. It seemed to consist of some bloke coming in and saying to The Owner "Right mate?", to which The Owner replied "Right John?" They then bought each other a drink and sat and talked a lot of nonsense for an hour and then two more drinks - each - and then more nonsense talked. By the end "Right John?" had changed to "You're alright John!" only said in a rather slurred fashion which I am unable to convey properly in the written word. Then, oh the embarrassment! With him lolling over the bench unable to sit up straight and telling everyone in the pub he loves them, in walks Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner! I couldn't hide or disassociate myself from him as I am attached by a lead. Oh the embarrassment! He gets up to buy Lady Chocolate Lab Owner a drink, puts his hand in his pocket to get some money out and drops all his change on the floor. Tells everyone in the pub "It's alright!", like they cared anyway, bends down to pick it up, lurches forward where he lost his balance and knocks the bar stool over which knocks the next one, which knocks the next one etc. At which point my mate Vic R enters the pub, presumably to save a few souls from eternal damnation to see a bar stool flying through the air towards him. Vic R had to have a lie down before being escorted back to his car and The Owner was escorted from the pub and told to go home. Oh the embarrassment! They were also trying to blame me for mud on the floor, I would draw your attention first to my paws in exhibit one (attached) and then to the state of The Owner's shoes. The denfence rests m'Lud! I haven't seen The Owner yet this morning and I am not anticipating I will for quite a while!
Sunday, 6 March 2011
World Book Night
Last night being Saturday night The Owner, when he left the office turned left out of the gateway and headed to the pub. He had also grabbed my lead on the way out of the door which is another good clue as to what is going to happen. He has found my proper lead now so I don't have to use that 'New one', he made from a number of bits of bailer twine all cobbled together. I have to use a lead when we go there (pub rules) but oh that was so embarrassing! Doesn't he understand I have breeding? Imagine what would have happened if Lady Chocolate Lab had turned up and seen me wearing that!!!! Fortunately we have the good one back again so all is well. We were sat there minding our own business when I had a fear that Strange Lady with the Bags, who you may remember from before when she took up residence in the bus shelter by the village hall, was coming through the door. This hoomun and lady hoomun from down near our end of the village came struggling in with a suitcase full of books and spread them out over one of the tables. Now, The Owner usually uses books for throwing across the room at me, or at least he did before he was in hospital when he was grumpy, so I kept a particularly wary eye on Book Hoomun. Well it would seem that it was World Book Night last night, (I'm not sure if that is good or not yet) and Lady Book Hoomun told everyone who couldn't escape quick enough all about it and insisted they take a book home with them. Well I was beginning to suspect a lot of K9 cruelty across the area last night with the number she was giving out to other hoomuns but it seems that there is another use for them. If you choose, you can read with them as well as throwing them across the room at the family K9.
Good job I had my glasses with me really!
The Demise of The Tennis Courts
Yesterday on my early morning patrol up the garden I saw Big Yellow Digger Driver go down the driveway to the manor. But breakfast was beckoning and had to take priority so I made a mental note to self to include the manor gardens in my mid morning patrol, not out of noseyness you understand, just a need to know everyone's business.
Now I know that Manor Hoomun is away at the moment as I heard him tell The Owner the other day, but I reckon he is going to be terrible mad when he gets back and I really wouldn't want to be around to see it. Behind the hedge in at the back of my garden is the manor tennis court. It doesn't get used so very much these days but it does have high fences all around it and is very useful when Manor Hoomun's grand kids come round in the summer, it's like a big play pen for them and it keeps them out of my way. Last summer whilst The Owner was heaven knows where and I was living round at the manor I did manage on one occasion to round up a few more and then kick the gate shut on my way back out. It was very peaceful for a while, if you could ignore the screams from the grandkids shut in the tennis court, until Lady Manor Hoomun came to see what the commotion was about. I was always a bit suspicious of that young one as her bum rustles when she walks and then even more so when she told Lady Manor Hoomun it was me that locked them in. Lady Manor Hoomun gave me a particularly withering stare! I digress. Big Yellow Digger Driver. When I got round to see what he was doing round there you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He had driven through the fence and was digging up the tennis court!!!! Manor Hoomun may well be sending him to the boot room when he returns! I didn't stay around for too long just in case he came back and thought I may have been in some way responsible. I took myself straight back to the office and under the desk out of the way for the rest of the day. I didn't get much sleep yesterday, it was all very worrying!
Now I know that Manor Hoomun is away at the moment as I heard him tell The Owner the other day, but I reckon he is going to be terrible mad when he gets back and I really wouldn't want to be around to see it. Behind the hedge in at the back of my garden is the manor tennis court. It doesn't get used so very much these days but it does have high fences all around it and is very useful when Manor Hoomun's grand kids come round in the summer, it's like a big play pen for them and it keeps them out of my way. Last summer whilst The Owner was heaven knows where and I was living round at the manor I did manage on one occasion to round up a few more and then kick the gate shut on my way back out. It was very peaceful for a while, if you could ignore the screams from the grandkids shut in the tennis court, until Lady Manor Hoomun came to see what the commotion was about. I was always a bit suspicious of that young one as her bum rustles when she walks and then even more so when she told Lady Manor Hoomun it was me that locked them in. Lady Manor Hoomun gave me a particularly withering stare! I digress. Big Yellow Digger Driver. When I got round to see what he was doing round there you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He had driven through the fence and was digging up the tennis court!!!! Manor Hoomun may well be sending him to the boot room when he returns! I didn't stay around for too long just in case he came back and thought I may have been in some way responsible. I took myself straight back to the office and under the desk out of the way for the rest of the day. I didn't get much sleep yesterday, it was all very worrying!
Diesel Dog Visits Again
The Owner was giggling to himself all morning and every time he looked at me there was great mirth and laughter. The kind of laughter you get when everyone else has noticed something you have done or are about to do and you haven't yet. The kind of laughter which usually precedes me making a fool of myself again.
All he would say was "Your world is going to get turned upside down today Jack m'boyo" and then much more laughter. I did check in the mirror several times but there was no evidence of breakfast or dead badger stuck in my teeth. You may recall that the weather was warm and the sun was out so I curled up quietly on the prickly mat in the porch and dreamed of running and woofing and stuff like that. Nearly woke myself up several times! I heard a car pull up outside but assumed it was Postman and thought I would have one more quick snooze in the sun before getting up and launching myself down the garden path to protect my territory when there was one hell of a commotion going on and this demonic demented badger launched itself through the gate and up the garden path, over the top of me and into the kitchen. Having taken a quick trip around the kitchen it emerged with two empty tuna tins in it's mouth and looking suspiciously like Diesel Dog. As I came more to my senses I realised it must have been as Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman were also getting out of the car. This means an afternoon of manic running up and down the back garden path for no apparent reason I guess. I have to warn now that any attempt by Diesel Dog to climb onto my cushion will be met with an opinion, although fortunately at the moment he seems more intent on bringing all the empty tuna tins from the recycling box back into the house, hotly pursued by Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman.
All he would say was "Your world is going to get turned upside down today Jack m'boyo" and then much more laughter. I did check in the mirror several times but there was no evidence of breakfast or dead badger stuck in my teeth. You may recall that the weather was warm and the sun was out so I curled up quietly on the prickly mat in the porch and dreamed of running and woofing and stuff like that. Nearly woke myself up several times! I heard a car pull up outside but assumed it was Postman and thought I would have one more quick snooze in the sun before getting up and launching myself down the garden path to protect my territory when there was one hell of a commotion going on and this demonic demented badger launched itself through the gate and up the garden path, over the top of me and into the kitchen. Having taken a quick trip around the kitchen it emerged with two empty tuna tins in it's mouth and looking suspiciously like Diesel Dog. As I came more to my senses I realised it must have been as Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman were also getting out of the car. This means an afternoon of manic running up and down the back garden path for no apparent reason I guess. I have to warn now that any attempt by Diesel Dog to climb onto my cushion will be met with an opinion, although fortunately at the moment he seems more intent on bringing all the empty tuna tins from the recycling box back into the house, hotly pursued by Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman.
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Recycling Lorry Driver's Journey Home
Last night was a very strange hoomun type of experience for me when The Owner and I went to the pub. Unusually it didn't involve The Owner falling in a ditch or the pond (still got lots of water in that). We had to escort Recycling Lorry Driver home from the pub!
We were sat there minding our own business, wearing my brand new lead (pub rules) that the Owner made by tying several odd scraps of baler twine together just before we came out, as I tried to use my powers of suggestion to get people to throw me the odd scrap of food from their plates. Not one! Not a sausage or even a little bit of fat from a juicy steak! Mainly coz The Owner kept telling them all that I preferred my dried food when we get home! Has he been sniffing something again?!?! Let me think..... dried food.... juicy steak......Hummmmmm No, definitely the steak! I was beginning to wish all of their armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels when Recycling Lorry Driver announced to the world, or at least that bit of it which was prepared to listen to him, that he was going to walk home with us. The Owner made some lame excuse that he was going to take me for a quick walk over the fields on the way back but Recycling Lorry Driver was having none of it and he wanted to walk back with us. The Owner always says that, I have no idea why because we always walk straight home to light the fire and put the telly on but it makes him sound energetic I guess. Anyway we got outside the pub and The Owner was talking to Recycling Lorry Driver and he just said Ooooooh! Aaaaaargh! and when we turned to see what he was Oooooooooohing about, he was gone! Nowhere to be seen! Vanished! And not even a ditch in sight! His bag was still on the ground where he had been standing but he was gone and I was beginning to suspect the same space aliens that emptied the pond, but The Owner noticed a foot with a boot attached sticking out of the hedge and after much tugging we got the rest of him back through the hedge. The Owner had to hold him up all the way back to his place! I had a great responsibility in all this as well, I had to carry Recycling Lorry Drivers bag home. I don't think I was too keen on this kind of hoomun behavior and I shall find something disgusting to do when next asked to carry a bag, just to make sure. It was far too heavy for a dog with breeding such as myself. We had to stop at every fencepost or gatepost all the way home. Not for me to wee up them you understand, but for Recycling Lorry Driver to be ill over. I think I'll avoid those posts when next on patrol that way for a while. You can't be too sure can you? I did notice this morning that his van hadn't moved, perhaps he fell through the hedge into the field from his garden path. I'll check later.... or maybe tomorrow, in case he has been ill again!
We were sat there minding our own business, wearing my brand new lead (pub rules) that the Owner made by tying several odd scraps of baler twine together just before we came out, as I tried to use my powers of suggestion to get people to throw me the odd scrap of food from their plates. Not one! Not a sausage or even a little bit of fat from a juicy steak! Mainly coz The Owner kept telling them all that I preferred my dried food when we get home! Has he been sniffing something again?!?! Let me think..... dried food.... juicy steak......Hummmmmm No, definitely the steak! I was beginning to wish all of their armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels when Recycling Lorry Driver announced to the world, or at least that bit of it which was prepared to listen to him, that he was going to walk home with us. The Owner made some lame excuse that he was going to take me for a quick walk over the fields on the way back but Recycling Lorry Driver was having none of it and he wanted to walk back with us. The Owner always says that, I have no idea why because we always walk straight home to light the fire and put the telly on but it makes him sound energetic I guess. Anyway we got outside the pub and The Owner was talking to Recycling Lorry Driver and he just said Ooooooh! Aaaaaargh! and when we turned to see what he was Oooooooooohing about, he was gone! Nowhere to be seen! Vanished! And not even a ditch in sight! His bag was still on the ground where he had been standing but he was gone and I was beginning to suspect the same space aliens that emptied the pond, but The Owner noticed a foot with a boot attached sticking out of the hedge and after much tugging we got the rest of him back through the hedge. The Owner had to hold him up all the way back to his place! I had a great responsibility in all this as well, I had to carry Recycling Lorry Drivers bag home. I don't think I was too keen on this kind of hoomun behavior and I shall find something disgusting to do when next asked to carry a bag, just to make sure. It was far too heavy for a dog with breeding such as myself. We had to stop at every fencepost or gatepost all the way home. Not for me to wee up them you understand, but for Recycling Lorry Driver to be ill over. I think I'll avoid those posts when next on patrol that way for a while. You can't be too sure can you? I did notice this morning that his van hadn't moved, perhaps he fell through the hedge into the field from his garden path. I'll check later.... or maybe tomorrow, in case he has been ill again!
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