Owners Dad's Visit to the Rose Beds

Well, the weekend was a bit eventful to be honest, so yesterday Barney K9 and I kept a very low profile. On Sunday The Owner was up very early, before the sun was peeking above the horizon as I recall and he was singing. This usually means only one thing... we are going to see The Lady Hoomun. So we bundled into the car an a very disorderly fashion. It was disorderly only because there was a patch of slippery ice by the car and both The Owner and Barney K9 finished up in a rather large heap on the floor. Well I have breeding I do, you wouldn't expect someone with such obvious breeding to be rolling around in a layby beside the road would you? Unless there is something organic there and then it is obviously quite acceptable. So, composure regained, we returned to the matter in hand and started our journey. The first stop was to visit Owners Dad and we tried to take Owners Dad for a walk. Well, as I have breeding I don't need a lead in such circumstances, but Barney K9 is just a K9 thug and so requires a lead. The Owner was pushing the wheelchair, I was flitting energetically from bush to bush marking our trail in case The Owner may have got lost on his return journey and Barney K9 walked to heel beside the wheelchair. It was all going swimmingly until The Owner decided it would be funny to wheel the wheelchair a bit too close to the rose bushes to squeeze Barney K9 up a bit. Barney K9 jumped out of the way a bit smartish and his lead caught around the handbrake. Handbrakes on a moving vehicle on one side only tend to have a strange effect on their ability to steer a straight course. When The Owner had dragged the wheelchair back out of the rose beds and lifted Owners Dad out and put him back in the chair we gave him back to the nurses to clean him up a bit and to get out of the way of his grumbling about scratches and bruising and stuff. I was a bit disappointed that whilst he was down there among the roses he didn't take the opportunity to have a quick roll in the organic manure that was around the roses too. We left soon after.

We went then to meet with The Lady Hoomun and The Owner immediately forgot his grumbling and became quite cheerful. I am not sure if it was her that caused his cheerfulness or the fact that he took her to a pub. Could have been either. This pub looked very nice but we weren't allowed in and were left instead in the car. It was getting cold and dark when he emerged full of bon hommie and put us on the posh lead that has only one handle but two K9 clips. This means he is going to be showing off I think. He took us in and I immediately saw a row of very tall tables and stools with hoomuns eating at them. Hoomuns eating tends to mean all sorts dropped on the floor around the table so Barney K9 and I rushed forward to clear up for them. All part of the public service! I just wish that Barney K9 had gone the  same side of the row of tables as I did!!! Our two posh leads are joined in the middle as you may recall. Well the first stool with a rather indignant lady hoomun sat on it was the first to fall, who took down the table with her. This made Barney K9 run to get out of the way before he got squashed... which took the next four stools and table down too..,.. which fell into the third... and then the fourth.... which deposited the four freshly served Christmas dinners straight back in the kitchen, along with the table they were sat on. The Owner seemed particularly irritable on the journey home, I am not sure if it was the bill for all the meals and drinks that Barney K9 had knocked over which was making him grumpy, or the fact the The Lady Hoomun was laughing at him. Difficult to tell.

Yoga - discuss!

Well I have been a little puzzled of late and I was hoping that some kind hoomun would be able to, perhaps, enlighten me a little on a few hoomun technicalities. You see, in the village there has been much excitement caused by a large poster on the village notice board advertising 'Yoga'. I have to report that I have absolutely no idea what 'Yoga' is. I once had a little infection in the little boys department and The Owner spent an hour chasing me around the gardens with a pot of natural yoghurt with a particularly menacing look in his eye but I don't think that is 'yoga' and anyway he soon gave that up and went back to his Sunday papers. The air of excitement throughout the village was palpable as the day approached and then one night in the week The Owner put me and Barney K9 in the back of the car and off we went in the general direction of the village hall. Barney K9 and I were left outside under the tree which was pleasant enough for a warm late summer evening except the one hour turned into several and me and Barney K9 were still sat under the tree, and it was, by now, quite dark. We were curled up asleep as it was also quite cold by now when I heard the dulcet tones of The Owner singing coming from the general direction of the pub. How did he get past us and up there???? And what does it have to do with 'Yoga'. It was a long walk home that night as he insisted on singing (badly) and then periodically stopping and pulling a funny face and going "Oohhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm!" very loudly. I don't understand why?? Once home and Barney K9 and I were fed The Owner sat down and poured himself a large glass of something red. He said to no-one in particular that as he felt the benefits of 'Yoga' already (surely that was just the effects of four pints of 6X?) he was going to do it every night for an hour when we got home. The following evening we returned home and me and Barney K9 were fed and The Owner poured himself a large glass of wine and flopped down into his armchair. He said his first "Oohhhmmmmm". Only it was cut short when he fell asleep in the armchair. After about ten minutes the snoring started, he was properly asleep now and as his hand relaxed a little, the wine glass that was still full of "A particularly good vintage" fell out of his grasp and deposited its contents over his lap. The Owner bellowed loudly and Barney K9 made his excuses and went to bed to get out of the way, quickly. The opened bottle was the next victim, as was his new settee, delivered that week, as the bottle deposited its contents down the side of the cushions. He spent the next hour looking crestfallen as he mopped up the mess. I couldn't help but notice that his "ohmmmm" ing was a little less enthusiastic now. In fact it was no-existent to be truthful. So my question is to anyone who can offer any help..... Is this what Yoga is really about?

Sainsbugs Explained

Last night was one of those occasions where I was very glad that no-one was around that had seen me and Barney K9 with The Owner and there was no placard above our heads saying "We are with him!". Having left the studio a little later than normal we jump in the back of the car and The Owner gets in the front. This usually heralds a quick trip to Sainsbugs for food and wine before heading home again. However we park some way away from the shops and near the little river which meanders gently through town. "Come on you two we are going for a little walk along the river on our way to the shops!", said The Owner as he opened the back door of the car and I sat down waiting to be told I can get out. Barney K9, on the other hand hasn't quite mastered that bit yet when there is something more interesting outside that he rather fancies exploring. Like, rivers for instance. He shot past me like a streak of black lightning. I know lightning is not black, but if it were, that is what I imagine it would look like. The splash that followed told me two very different stories. Firstly that Barney K9 was in trouble and somehow I would be implicated simply because I have four legs too and the water was a heck of a lot deeper than Barney K9 had imagined. We were both put on leads and had to walk to heel all the way to Sainsbugs. In Barney's case a little further away from The Owner than would otherwise be the case when walking to heel, until the trail of water running from him had lessened to a manageable trickle. We soon arrived at Sainsbugs and we were left "on trust" near the door. Which I don't mind unless it is raining and I get wet. From our vantage point by the door we can see the tills and the nearest ones are those that The Owner likes because he can work those himself and have an argument with them that he generally feels he can win with one of his witty ripostes that he says whilst looking around for approval from another hoomun.

It wasn't long before he was at the tills with a small basket of goodies including wine and Bonios. Bleep went the machine as he scanned the first item and put it in the bagging area. Bleep it went a second time as he bagged another item. Then it started. "An unexpected item in the bagging area!" said the machine. "I haven't put anything in there!" protested The Owner. But the machine was having none of it and the supervisor had to separate The Owner from the machine before they came to blows and off it went again. Bleep, said the machine as The Owner bagged his item. Bleep went the machine as The Owner bagged another item. "Unexpected item in the bagging area!" said the machine and so the supervisor was called again who impatiently made the machine behave itself again. She turned her back to walk away and without any input from The Owner in any way at all "Unexpected item in the bagging area!" it protested as The Owner loudly protested his innocence in the whole matter. A crowd was beginning to gather as Supervisor Hoomun made The Owner remove all of his stuff from his bags as she checked them off against his till. "I'll stay here with you and watch I think" she said, a little frostily to him. "Unexpected item in the bagging area!", the machine retorted. There! See? I didn't touch the (pause) thing!" I thought there were words that I pretend not to understand coming out then and I think they very nearly did! Supervisor Hoomun frowned at the machine very loudly so it started to behave itself a bit better. The Owner picked up his bottle of shampoo to scan that and immediately complained very loudly, "It's bloody leaking!" he complained to the gathering crowd who all nodded in agreement and one even applauded. "Don't worry, we'll get you another." said Supervisor Hoomun very patiently to The Owner as she sent Pimply Youth Hoomun to retrieve a non leaking shampoo bottle. The crowd was now three deep all around the till! Next came the bag of sugar which seemed to have acquired a hole in it bigger than Barney K9's paw print in a muddy puddle and was intent on depositing its contents all across the scanner. Supervisor Hoomun told The Owner to go and get another bag whilst her "team" cleaned up the mess. It was said in that same manner as Owners Daughter does when she wants him out of the way whilst she sorts out one of his little problems. By the time The Owner returned Supervisor Hoomuns team had dismantled the scanner and cleaned most of the sugar from all its little nooks and crannies and I got the feeling she was a little less than welcoming of The Owners "help" in the rebuilding of the scanner department. You may recall we had parked the car by the river which seemed to involve a walk back to the car along by the river. Even Barney K9 seemed to sense that this was not a good time to be launching himself back into the river again. About half way back the orange Sainsbug bag split and deposited the wine from a now broken bottle, the sherry from a bottle in a similar state or disarray, a bag of sugar (now split) and a bottle of shampoo also split all across the footpath with The Owner sat beside it all with his head in his hands looking less than at one with the world from what I could see of it. We went straight home from there and I thought it best to give him a wide berth for the rest of the evening, as I kinda felt it more than my life was worth to trouble him further.

Someone Was Sitting on MY Comfy Cushion

Last night as we were walking back home from the studio a blue car came noisily up the road behind us and started flashing its lights and making a very unseemly amount of noise. Then the door was flung open and before the occupant could leap forth, Barney K9 was straight in and there was a lot of tail wagging and various switched being turned on and off. Then the shrieking started, which also explained much of The Owners behaviour these last couple of hours. Owners Daughter had arrived!! He, Barney K9, was becoming more excited by the second and as Owners Daughter finally emerged from her car there was a great deal of frowning to be done. The Owner had been telling everyone who was daft enough to answer their phone that he was anticipating chem trails on the horizon and he was going to clear a landing strip for the broom stick then laughing very loudly. So it must have been one of his special jokes that no one else ever gets, but I now see it was at Owners Daughters expense. So I had been feeling generally quite sympathetic towards her.... until she went in doors! She grabbed one of The Owners camping foam mattresses and flung it on MY comfy cushion!!! At first I thought it was very nice of her but I suspected The Owner would have a negative response if I curled up on it, until I realised it was not for me!! Owners Daughter flopped herself down on top of the foam mattress on top of MY comfy cushion in a very over the top dramatic way. Although you can tell the family connection as she didn't spill her drink either. Well my big question was "Where am I going to doze this evening?". Then a brainwave hit me...... I can still sit on MY comfy cushion for the evening, just that it would have to be on Owners Daughter, who was on top of The Owners foam mattress, which was on top of MY comfy cushion. So that was alright then. It was at this point that she became very unlike The Owner when she threw her drink all over the place and I would just like to make it clear at this point that I am in no way responsible!! I may have jolted her arm a tinciest bit but I did not touch her glass! Just saying!Barney K9, meanwhile was still bouncing around her car pleased to see her oblivious of the fact that she was no longer in it and that everyone else had gone indoors some time since.

Autumn Is On Its Way I Think

There is an autumnal nip in the air outside on patrol this morning despite yesterday's summer warmth. One evening last week, as The Owner sat in the garden enjoying an early evening glass of wine whilst Barney K9 and I checked out the perimeter for the twentieth time that day (you can't be too careful), there was that smell of damp decaying leaves in the air for the first time this autumn to herald the onset of winter. So, picking up, cock pheasants cackling across a frosty field, watching The Owner splitting wood for the week on a Sunday morning, frosty hard ground and tingling toes..... winter, bring it on. 

My Ice Bucket Challenge

I am not impressed today! Yesterday, someone who had hitherto been my friend, nominated ME for the ice bucket challenge. I will now be joining Barney K9, when next I visit, to leave a little present on the lawn I think. I had the feeling that it was really The Owner she had meant, but she definitely said Jack Labrador. That was all the ammunition he needed to form a little plot in his mind. So this morning, before breakfast, unaware of what exactly an 'ice bucket challenge' involved, I had had my wee on the roses (yuk and phew) and was sat in the middle of the lawn contemplating nothing in particular when I hear The Owner puffing and wheezing his way along the path behind me. When suddenly, there was a deluge of ice cold water thrown over me. When I turned round (quickly), he was grinning from ear to ear and fumbling to try and get his camera taking a picture of me. "There you are Jack!" he said triumphantly. "At least you have done it now." Forgive me if I am missing the point here, but what exactly had I done, apart from get very wet and cold? I went back inside contemplating exactly how much worse the day could have got, dribbling water from my coat as I went, when my question was answered for me as he whisked me off my feet and dropped me into a warm bath!!!! "There you are Jack!" he said, "That'll make you feel much better!". Well I am sorry if I sound ungrateful, but I felt perfectly fine until some oaf dropped a bucket of icy water over me, and to cap it off he then dries me off with his comedy duck beach towel and records the event for posterity. Feeling inspired by his effort he is now outside chasing Barney K9 round the cricket pitch armed with another bucket of water, however Barney K9 saw the result of his earlier efforts and is having none of it. His long lead has become entangled with the electric fence in the course of his efforts to escape and whilst Barney K9 is not feeling it because it is either earthing out before it gets as far as him or he is just too dense to notice. When The Owner does catch up with him he may well grab the lead and then.... Oh there was the shout! Yes The Owner has just stopped smiling and will be in momentarily looking a little less perky.

A Wet Tee and Missing Golf Balls

Following on from yesterdays post concerning The Owner backing himself neatly into a corner so that he has to go and play a round of golf an a 'non-tropical' tropical monsoon.

We cut a lonely furrow as The Owner's golfing partner, resplendent in the very latest waterproof technology outfit, and The Owner, also resplendent but only in his very wet brightly coloured jumper and Rupert Bear trousers, made their way across the golf course to start their round of golf. My mate Barney K9 and I ambled reluctantly along behind as the loud guffaws emanating from the warm dry clubhouse slowly became drowned out by the sound of heavy rain falling on sodden grass and on my equally sodden back and head. We arrived at the first tee and The Owner tipped the water out of his big heavy bag full of golf bats and selected one to start his game with. Half way down the fairway (are you impressed with my detailed knowledge of the golfing terminology?) there was a big old thorn tree which my mate Barney K9 and me felt would offer a little protection from the monsoon currently driving across the golf course. The Owner wildly flailed at the ball, which landed somewhere above my mate Barney K9 and me in the thorn tree and slowly worked its way down through the branches until it went plop in the puddle. So Barney K9 picked it up and we carried on our waiting activities sat underneath the tree. Eventually The Owner and his Golfing Buddy Hoomun arrived and spent quite a long while shuffling around in the grass as if they were looking for something. Barney K9 and I wandered on and found shelter at the next green sitting in a deep sandy bunker. Shortly after, a golf ball landed in the sand at my feet, so I picked it up this time. Eventually, The Owner arrived and appeared to be looking for something in the grass near the green. I'm not sure what but he never found it. He went and tipped the water out of his bag he keeps his golf bats in, which had filled for the second or third time so far and extracted another new gold ball and carried on his game with an increasing sense of despair about his general demeanour. I managed to pick up a second ball in my mouth and Barney K9 managed to get three in. The Owner tipped the water out of his bag again and produced another new ball announcing that this was his "last ball!". Barney K9 and I wandered, dripping with water, to the next green and took up our vigil again. The Owner swung wildly at the ball, which was partly submerged in water on the tee and managed to connect to it in a very fine manner as the ball tracked a particularly good pathway through the rain and landed with a resounding plop in the little hole in the middle of the green. I did wonder whether I should go and get it out for him  but it was full of water and I was quite wet enough already thank you. Barney K9 also declined to help as he already had three in his mouth so we sat and watched as The Owner and Golf Buddy Hoomun, who didn't seem particularly humorous by now, searched through the long grass for the ball for quite a while for the ball before The Owner announced that he really had had enough golfing and he was out of balls too so they splished and splashed their way back to the club house. The Owner's humour grew darker when we got back as they made him sit on a plastic stool on a sheet of plastic as he was making a mess on the carpet dripping water from just about everything about him. Some very nice Lady Hoomun came and towelled Barney K9 and me down a little and put another towel near the fire which she lit for us to dry beside. I liked her! The Owner however was a quite pathetic figure sat, surrounded by plastic and sand bags, in the corner, sipping occasionally at a hot chocolate. He kept casting a sideways glance at Barney K9 and I. I am not sure if it was the fact that someone had towelled up off, or we had a fire to steam gently beside, or that the lady kept bringing us biscuits and he didn't get any of that. Or was it the little heap of golf balls on the towels beside us that irked him? When we got home his bag of golf bats was thrown to the very back of the shed and his jumper and trousers were thrown in to the washing machine and the door slammed shut in a particularly heavy handed way which left one with the sense that they weren't going to be dragged out again any time soon.