My Smelly Farts

The Owner and I battled through driving rain to visit the pub for an evening of carols last night. Upon our arrival we both looked as though we had visited the pond, which indeed I had earlier in the day after my little brush with the black car with the big exhaust pipe and even bigger attitude problem. You may also remember my reports of The Owner's somewhat less than charitable response to my plight and my avowed intentions for revenge. Well my day had gone well in that regard, as I had created a substantial amount of back pressure to the point where my tummy was becoming... well.... uncomfortable. The Owners face lit up when we got to the pub, the wood burner was roaring well and his favourite chair for such occasions, beside the wood burner, was empty. To be honest, so was every other chair, as he was the first to arrive, which is what prompted his next gesture of largesse which he always makes when the pub is otherwise empty. "Drinks all round everyone, there on me!" Barmaid Hoomun laughs at his joke as though it is the first time she has heard it although he tries to get that one in at least once a week if possible. Drinks all round, bought for just him, he flopped down in the chair and set about his task for the evening of steaming gently by the wood burner. I hid under the chair and waited. First to enter was my mate Vic R and he bounded across the room to shake The Owners hand. So I let out the first little escape of gas... it was a good one and showed promise for the rest of the evening! Vic R went a funny colour and moved quickly on to the other end of the bar. Next to arrive was Lady Organist Hoomun who The Owner knows quite well and he jumped up quick to have a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.... more gas leaks! She asked him if he was staying in that chair and then promptly had the piano moved to the other end of the room claiming it was better for the acoustics. No-one had noticed me hiding under The Owners seat as I parped away. The Owner seemed strangely unable to notice the gut wrenching stench that was emanating from under his seat through the fog of steam that drifted upwards from his jacket as it dried. I waited quietly for my opportunity as the room filled with village hoomuns and everyone all came and stood around the fire with much jolliment and frivolity. I let it go when the most people possible were all stood around The Owner, it was so good it made my bottom sting a bit to be honest, but it was worth it. Everyone went down and stood at the cold end of the bar around the piano. I decided to stay where I was, under the seat and out of the way, just in case anyone put two and two together and worked out that the smell may not have been coming from The Owner. I felt a point had been made and by the end of the evening the pressure in my belly had been returned to more manageable proportions. The Owner, on the other hand looked quite pitiful sat on his own by the wood burner not understanding why no-one would go anywhere near him.

The Car with the Big Exhaust Pipe

Today I got wet on the way to the studio and The Owner was less than charitable about the whole episode! There I was flitting from post to post, doing my best to wee effectively in the face of such inclement conditions, when we got to the pond. Just the other side of the pond is a black car with a very big exhaust pipe which has a great deal to say for itself when it's hoomuns move it I have noticed. The Owner calls it a Scooby Doo and then laughs very loudly, so it must be one of his special jokes which no-one else understands. As I was passing I felt just a quick wee on its bumper may well be in order and so cocked my leg in readiness for the incident. Well, I had no idea its hoomuns were already in it but I soon did when they started it up and it immediately had a great deal to say about everything and blew smoke all over my little boys bits. I was so surprised that I jumped back, well more like ran for my life really. Blind panic just about covered it! I have also noticed how blind panic also removes normal reason from the thought processes! My mind was telling me that the pond is very wet and, like Cat earlier this autumn, I can't walk on water. Blind panic, on the other hand, was telling me that was exactly where I should be running. My mind was of course right and it was proved that I really cannot walk on water and sank without trace. When I surfaced again, coughing and spluttering, I had a liberal sprinkling of pond weed about my person and apart from a car that was laughing loudly at me, all I could hear was The Owner's raucous laughter, ringing in my ears. His laughter, after nearly an hour now, has subsided a little. It is now little more than an occasional chuckle, but none the less hurtful. We are going to the carol singing at the pub later, it will be packed so I will sit under his bench out of sight. I have some very smelly wind I think I may just save for the occasion!

I Try My Luck at The Living Room

Last night, after what seemed like all weekend spent under suspicion, and more importantly, in the boot room, I crept in to the living room where the fire was lit and The Owner was watching the Strictly results. I happened to notice that the tissues were at the ready. Not wishing to chance my paw with the straight forward, full on bouncing round the living room approach, I opted instead for the slide round the door pillar and down behind the settee approach. I next appeared beside him, where he was sitting on the carpet, taking care not to knock his wine over, laying on my back trying to look cute and cuddly. I think he has forgotten about the jacket and the muddy water incident for now, until Laundry Delivery Yoof calls for it later today.

Small Boy Visits!!

Yesterday was a day filled with much excitement! Not the kind of excitement one may get from several boxes of Bonios dropping off the shelf where The Owner had put them so I can't get them. More the kind of excitement from lots of visitors! Mid morning a van pulled up outside and I was initially going to have an opinion on the matter, but then thought better of it as it looked suspiciously like Tesco Delivery Yoof except he was in an orange van. I have now extended my list of suckers from whom a Bonio can be extracted to include Sainsbugs Delivery Yoof! Whilst chomping on a Bonio from Sainsbugs Delievry Yoof, Courier Yoof also turned up with The Owners new jacket for meetings (now I can understand what meetings are about he can go on his own!). Then in amongst the gathering throng arrived another car with a lot to say on the matter and four bodies inside. Imagine my surprise when one of them turned out to be Small Boy! Whilst The Owner unpacked his new jacket, Small Boy took me, together with his friends, Text Hoomun Yoof (who I have met before), Driver Yoof and Toni Yoofette, we went on a sort of mini patrol around the farm and village. We went up a track which is one I seldom get the opportunity to include in my patrols and I happened to find a dollop of well matured badger poo. Mature enough for all the benefits of badger poo rolling yet without the downsides that hoomuns seem to dislike so much. Like..... smell. So I got my shoulder right down into it. Toni Yoofette made no attempt to stop me from having a little roll, so I carried on. I felt she and I would be good mates! When we got back to the cottage, he, The Owner, otherwise known as spoilsport, noticed it straight away! I was marched outside by the scruff of my neck and introduced to the hosepipe and yard broom again. After a little harsh treatment from said hosepipe and yard broom The Owner relaxed his grip a little and I took full advantage of it. I rushed back inside the cottage and into the dining room, where I shook vigorously, beside the dining room chairs as it happens. That would also be the same one that The Owner has hung his new jacket on then! I believe it is being collected first thing Monday morning by Dry Cleaning Hoomun, not sure why!

My Parcel from Bonio Hoomuns

Today I am officially beside myself! I know this because I heard The Owner tell someone on the phone that "Jack is beside himself today". Now I have pondered this for quite a while this morning when I should really have been doing other things. I have studied it from many different angles. I have laid down, I have curled up, I have laid on my back with my legs in the air. I have even run very fast round and round a few times, but I cannot work out what is involved in being "beside myself" and how I must have inadvertently got into such a predicament without even knowing I had done it! Now, important news of the day, about which I am very excited. I have had a parcel delivered today by Postman. My snifter didn't let me down when I deduced that there was more than just the usual assortment of envelopes that seem to irk The Owner so much in the heap that he carried up the pathway, so I thought it prudent not to fire up the big guns on this occasion. Then Postman presented me with a big red parcel with a picture of a Bonio on it!!! The envelope was addressed to Jack Labrador Esquire. I am not yet sure whether I am an Esquire or even what it involves to be one, but if there is a Bonio involved then I can be soooooo many things. Well, when I managed to rip it out of Postman's hands and then rip the covers off in a Bonio fuelled unpacking frenzy I discovered inside not one but ten boxes of Bonios from the nice hoomuns at Bonio!!! I am so excited! Well at least I was until The Owner whipped them all off me and gave me just the one Bonio back. I think he walks like a camel, he smells like one too! Now, I think I am going to have a little snooze whilst I work out how I managed to get beside myself. Are there two of me perhaps?

The Owner's Meeting with Council Lady Hoomun

Update on the whole melted wheelie bin saga. The Owner rang the council and was warming up nicely by shouting at the hold music they were playing as they moved him from department to department until someone was silly enough to ask "The" question, "How can I help you Sir?". There then followed a litany of complaints, ranging from pot holes in the road to surly attitude from council employees. To the point when he was about to be passed on to a more appropriate department for dealing with grumpy hoomuns who complain a lot, when he brought the subject of his wheelie bin up. After much argument, which he appeared, from where I sat, to be losing, he had a kind of moment of inspiration. He told the Council Lady Hoomun it had been struck by lightning and suggested they had a meeting. Yesterday was the day of the meeting and I was quite excited about it. The Owner often goes out and tells me I can't come with him as he is having a meeting. But yesterday the meeting was to be held here at the studio so I was going to see what one of them was for the first time. When Council Lady Hoomun arrived, The Owner launched straight into another diatribe about the shortcomings of the council, local government generally and many other things which he clearly needed to get off his chest, to the bemusement of Council Lady Hoomun. He eventually moved on to the subject of how he should not be held responsible for when Council property, (presumably wheelie bins) get struck by lightning. So that was what was behind this! The Owner is afraid he may have to pay for the new wheelie bin! Now, in my understanding, lightning usually happens when the weather is warm and is cloudy and I spent a great deal of time yesterday sat in the doorway looking up, but I never did see a cloud that may have been responsible. I still think it was the glowing embers that did it! The Owner seemed to be winning and pointed wildly to the remains of the wheelie bin in the corner of a shed and Council Lady Hoomun seemed to be giving in. He does that a lot, keeps on about it long enough until people just give in to shut him up and then he thinks he has proven the point. So I lost interest and went looking for something else to amuse myself with. I started having a root around in what remained of the wheelie bin to see if there may have been a morsel in there somewhere that would be good for a chomp. My snifter informed me that there may well have been something worthy of further exploration lurking in there somewhere and so started digging. I was warming well to my task, although I had to be a bit careful as some of the embers were still glowing. I had quite a heap of ash building behind me when Council Lady Hoomun happened to notice my efforts and seemed to somehow connect the large quantity of warm ash and the melted bin and placed a bill for a new bin in The Owners hand and jumped in her car and drove off with that kind of emphatic air about her that I have often noticed Lady Hoomuns have with The Owner. The Owner isn't speaking to me still today and I get the feeling that it will be the boot room for me again this evening. The second night running. Still, the good bit is that a new bin was delivered today and I have wee'd on it already!

Turmoil

Sorry for leaving you dangling a little yesterday over the whole saggy bottom - hot coals in the wheelie bin - thing. Yesterday was one of those occasions when I really rather wished that paws and claws could use the green felt tip pen on The Owner in the same manner that he threatens to use it on me when confronted by circumstances which, for that moment, exceed my understanding of the matter. He also has hours of fun on a Sunday morning when the papers arrive as he rifles through the pages looking for photographs of celebrities and politicians, caught out by their own pompousness. or just outright stupidity and have not the faintest idea why and writes the word "Turmoil" across their foreheads with the green felt tip pen. You may recall on Friday how The Owner deposited some hot ashes in the plastic wheelie bin and when I left to go off on patrol, the side of the wheelie bin was beginning to resemble an elephants saggy bottom, and there were just the odd whisp or two of smoke appearing from around the lid. Yesterday, being a Saturday, was a day of great domestic activity around the cottage as The Owner flew around the place with a duster and the ruddy Dyson. At some time after lunch, he arrives at the point in the ritual where the bin liner needs changing and carries the old one up to the bins to be deposited into the green wheelie bin.... the one that was melting yesterday! Upon rounding the corner, I have to admit to being slightly astounded at the sight myself! The wheelie bin, formerly around five feet high, was now a shadow of its former self at about eighteen inches tall and surrounded by a solidified lake of green plastic! The Owners face was a picture, one fully in need of the addition of the word "Turmoil" in green felt tip pen across the forehead! He stood there for a full ten minutes surveying the scene before him; part trying to work out what the hell had happened to his wheelie bin and part trying to work out just how he was going to convince everyone that it was someone else's fault. I feel tomorrow could be an interesting call to listen in on when he rings the Council Hoomuns to try and get a new wheelie bin and convince them it had nothing to do with his hot embers.

The Elephants Saggy Bottom

Today has not been the best start to a day for somebody at the cottage! You may have noticed, if you live nearby, that the day started with wind and heavy rain and The Owner was up remarkably early. Both of which have proved dangerous in the past and so it was an ominous start to the day at the cottage. By seven o-clock this morning The Owner was on his second pot of tea and had found no-one on the BBC News to shout at and so was starting to fidget. Eventually the large heap of ash under the log grate in the fireplace became the object of his attentions and he pounced on it with great enthusiasm. I had a certain interest in the contents of the grate as well, I remember a bit of a chicken sandwich getting thrown on there the other day and I was curious to see if there was any left that might be suitable for a quick chomp. The Owner filled a large bucket with ash, no sign of the chicken sandwich, and stood up to take it out. Well, I will concede that I may have not been standing in the best place in the world to not get in his way, but throwing the ash all over the carpet was a little extreme! He frowned very loudly at me as he cleared up HIS mess, so I took myself off to the boot room. When he opened the front door to take the bucket of ash out I noticed there was still something glowing in the ash bucket. He opened the lid of the wheelie bin and threw the ash in and immediately disappeared in a fog of ash picked up by the gusty wind. You remember I said it was raining this morning? That was not just a space filler, he was already covered in a lot of rain drops and his hair was still damp from his shower. Ash has a kind of magnetism all of its own when it comes to rain and damp hair I have noticed, and this proved the theory. He looked quite a picture stood in the doorway with heaps of ash on his shoulders and his hair resembling one of the zombies on a Michael Jackson video! The second shower of the day restored his hair a little but not his temper and I suspect it may get a little worse later on. I feel sure you shouldn't put ash with glowing embers in a plastic wheelie bin and that may have something to do with why the side of the wheelie bin now resembles a saggy elephants bottom and is appearing to be smoking from under the edges a little! I think this story may not yet have finished!

The Owner's Negative Vibe

I am getting a distinctly negative vibe from The Owner this evening! I would just like to point out that it was not me who left HIM on his own all afternoon. Random freestyle patrols are not as easy this time of year because the studio door is not habitually open, so when he jumps up just before lunch and announces that it is time for me to have a wee, I was not about to argue. As I scampered quickly back, after having "performed" in the paddock near the piglets, I noticed a car parked near the studio door. I bounded in, hopeful of a Bonio for my efforts, when the door was slammed behind me and I was abandoned to my devices as The Owner jumped into his friends car and they were gone!. Abandoned I was. And not even a Bonio by way of consolation! Several hours later. How many Jack, I hear you say. Several hours later... he returns, laden with boxes and bags and an attitude. Well I was pleased to see him when he came staggering through the studio door, smelling of pubs and drink as you ask, so I jumped around a lot with an excited air about me to greet him. Well, OK, so I may have jumped up at him a little bit. Nothing serious, you understand, not even a muddy paw for the white shirt. Certainly nothing to justify the exaggerated fashion in which he threw his bags and boxes to the floor. And why, I wondered was that bag now leaking stuff all across the track which looked suspiciously like Baileys to me? And how was that my fault? And why didn't I get a Bonio to say he was pleased to see me either? I will be finding a small square on the carpet in front of the fire this evening with which to form a close bond. One where I can't hear his sighing and tutting as he keeps looking at an empty glass and then at me.

Revenge is Best Served Very Cold

There is a hoomun phrase I believe, about revenge being a dish best served cold? Today it was served very cold and I had no part in it, although if K9's could laugh out loud I would have been laughing very loudly! There may be those who remember The Owner's unkind mirth at my predicament last year when I discovered the downside to trying to run on ice not thick enough to take the weight of a slim and very fit K9 of my stature. This morning The Owner was remarkably chipper when we left the cottage as normal and wandered in the general direction of the studio. There then followed much patting of pockets and jackets which normally precedes a return walk back to the cottage. Glasses, phone and keys retrieved from the dining room table where he had left them, we started our journey again, only this time he was stopping and taking pictures of frost on the grass and trees and stuff like that. Then his attention was caught by the pond, which given the frost we have seen these last two days had a layer of ice over it. The Owner went to the edge of the pond and kicked at the ice a little, it didn't break. So he tentatively put a foot on the ice and pressed down, it still didn't break! So he put both feet on and stood there with the kind of satisfied smug look on his face that a hoomun child may have when they first discovered that legs are for standing with. His day then took several rapid turns for the worse as he suddenly slid across the ice and fell on his backside on a bit of ice which was apparently not capable of supporting such a weight or shock and gave way with a strange crunching splash. One of which I was all too familiar myself last winter. The Owner looked a picture and one which I wished I could have used his phone to take.... except it was in the pond with him and now is refusing to co-operate on any level. The Owner squelched his way home again, apparently devoid of his former good humour with which he started his day. He is now dry, with his phone in bits spread across the radiator and is grumbling about everything so I think I will make myself scarce for the rest of the day.

The Too Pay!

I have experienced some very strange hoomun behaviour this afternoon. It would be no surprise to learn that it was The Owner who was responsible for the strange hoomun behaviour I guess. This particular strange behaviour was when The Owner was telling me off but laughing at the same time. Well, more of a chuckle really. After lunch The Owner was banging furiously away at the keyboard when a car pulled up outside. A hoomun got out and knocked on the studio door. The observant among you may have noticed it to have been a little gusty outside today and as Visitor Hoomun opened the studio door half his head fell off!! Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The wind had blown the top of his head right off!! Then I happened to notice a rabbit lying on the floor at his feet, well it looked like a rabbit anyway. I am a retriever, I retrieve things. Things like rabbits. So I picked it up and brought it back to The Owner, who didn't seem to want it. Told me to take it away. Then Visitor Hoomun shouted loudly at me so I ran off up to the calf sheds with my rabbit. Visitor Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about something so I ran harder to get away from him. The Owner was now joining in the pursuit too which was a strange sight to behold and they were both shouting about a "Too Pay". I was now forming the opinion that K9's are not supposed to retrieve a "Too Pay" so I dropped it where I stood. The calf sheds are nearing the point where they require cleaning out so they were a little deeper than normal in organic matter which is apparently not something that hoomuns like to see on a "Too Pay" I have learned. The Owner arrived and picked up the "Too Pay" between thumb and fore finger and offered it back to Visitor Hoomun, who despite all his shouting didn't seem pleased to see it back. The Owner then exhibited this strange behaviour I mentioned, telling me I am a naughty K9 for running off with a Too Pay, whilst at the same time appearing to be laughing loudly inside his head. Too Pays are apparently not for K9's I have learned today!

Jamie's Fifteen Minute Meal - The Owner Stylee!

Today The Owner is like a badger with a sore head! Last night, he was late with his dinner and I think that is the reason behind it. After he gets all soft and emotional over watching Strictly Come Dancing and offering his own critique on their dancing talents in a manner that would give the unenlightened an impression that he actually could dance himself, he was inspired to create one of Jamie's 15 minute meals. You know, the ones that Jamie Oliver cooks in a tidy kitchen and takes 15 minutes, the rest of the hoomun world takes at least an hour (The Owner takes two hours) and the kitchen is like a bomb has hit it. Oven was turned on and spices and herbs are lavished on the poor unsuspecting chicken, when it gets slammed in the oven. He set the timer, poured himself a large glass of something and flopped back in to his armchair. The kitchen was gently filling with the customary smoke when the timer went off and he rushes out and puts the oven light on and peers in through the glass door. To my simple understanding of the hoomun art of burning perfectly good food, it looked little different to when he put it in. The Owner clearly thought so too, as he set the timer for another hour. Hour up, you couldn't see across the kitchen but the chicken looked, well, kinda raw really. It was at this point that he opened the oven, which was still cold. So where was the smoke coming from? That would be from the other oven then! The smoke? That would be from the fat in a roasting dish forgotten about in the other oven from last week sometime then, also in the other oven. I feel sure that's why he is like a badger with a sore head. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the boot room door not being closed properly last night and me deciding to ask him if it was time to get up yet when Dairy Hoomun started the pumps on the dairy early this morning. It certainly wasn't the cold nose under the duvet up the back of his legs either.

The Owner Gets Wet!

Saturday we went out! Not the out which appears to be otherwise known as the village hall, but a proper "out", a long way away. On this out we both got wet, me and The Owner, I did it deliberately when I discovered a new village pond. A very large village pond. And The Owner seemed displeased for the rest of the day so I guess he didn't mean to get so wet. We got up very early, which is always a bad sign, and went to the station. Station Manager Hoomun wasn't even up it was so early! Which was probably for the best as I had made up my mind that any comments referring to me as "That Dog" were going to be met with a swift and decisive response on my part. Once, you can forgive them for not noticing my obvious breeding, I have had to endure it twice now, but a third I felt would be one step beyond what I was prepared to put up with. I think I must have dozed off at one point on the train as it went very dark and my ears went funny and hurt a little. The Owner told me it was ok as "That was the severn". Well I must have missed the other six! Eventually we got to a place which I think was called Swansea and me and The Owner walked a little. I think it must have been near Lundun as after a few hundred yards I felt "the urge" and The Owner produced a plastic bag and picked it up!!! I have noticed this strange hoomun behaviour in Lundun when we went before. What do they do with it?? Save it for later?? After a few minutes walking, on a lead since you ask, we got to this mahoosive village pond with funny walkways that seem to float! And boats! Lots of them!!!! There was this foopball floating in the village pond with a piece of string tied to it so I leapt forth to retrieve it. Well hello......I'm a retriever......I retrieve things!!! To be honest I hadn't allowed for the fact that someone appeared to have tied a boat to the other end of the piece of string. Nor for the fact that there didn't appear to be any banks for me to climb out on. The Owner seemed displeased that he had to reach over the edge and grab my lead and drag me out. A very undignified process and I am glad no one was watching! A bit further down the walkway we came across a boat with an engine running and a very jolly hoomun called Boat Hoomun on board. He seemed to know The Owner, so I hopped nimbly aboard. Ok I was dribbling quite a lot of water as I did so, but it was still nimble! Boat Hoomun gave me a digestive biscuit as he and The Owner had a mug of tea and The Owner regaled him with boating stories which I think happened to someone else and I suspect so did Boat Hoomun but we both went along with it. Tea finished, an air of great excitement came upon the boat and The Owner was instructed to "Cast Off!". Now, casting off seemed a very important job and, I also realise, quite dangerous. The Owner jumped off the boat onto the walkway and undid the bits of string that appeared to be holding us on and threw them, with a flick, onto the boat. I was quite proud of him really, he looked quite expert. Then he gave the boat a quick push which was where it all went wrong for him. I think he should have let go of the boat really..... or jumped on. He made a very large splash and had a great deal to say on the matter! They got him back on board the boat, but his morning continued to worsen. His jacket was very waterproof as it happened and under the circumstances kept quite a lot of water in his big pocket. He soon found it! Now you remember I said that he picked up my poo and put it in a plastic bag? You're ahead of me here aren't you? He didn't seem so impressed to find it again amongst the water in his pocket! The one thing which I still haven't worked out, how was that my fault???? He seemed very quiet for the rest of the day and a little disgruntled when Taxi Hoomun made him sit on a plastic mat on our way back from the station that night.

The Chair of The Devil

When he came back to the studio last night he didn't seem best pleased to be honest. It may have had something to do with his desk being on it's side and there being books, discs, coffee cups, cafetiere, and a variety of pens, letters and other bits of paper being spread all over the floor. Or maybe it was his chair which was also on it's side, perhaps. Or just the fact that I was hiding behind the water cooler and not bouncing around in eager welcome at his return which was causing his apparent displeasure. I tried desperately not to find out to be honest, as I reasoned it was not going to be very pretty when I did. Had I mentioned here that the water cooler I was hiding behind was also laying on it's side? He went out yesterday, only for a couple of hours. But before he went he had a small packet of chewey sticks that he was feeding me with in an absent minded moment of bonding. Suddenly his lift turned up and he was gone! Now in his absence my snifter was telling me there was still a chewey stick left on the desk so I was gainfully employed in trying for the next hour to find a way to get at it. Eventually, I opted to try and clamber on to his big black leather chair and then reach across to his desk so I started my journey. Front paws first and then one at a time, the back paws. It was a bit wobbly but I made it. Next step was to get the front paws on to the desk....... Well how on earth does he manage to sit on that chair without inflicting self injury???? I now realise that the office chair is of the devil, and has wheels and swivels and they all work!!!! Out of panic I dug my claws into the pad on his desk as the back half of me was still on the big chair of the devil as it wheeled and pirouetted its way across the studio floor, which was a mistake I think. That little bit of traction on the desk was enough to pull it with me to the floor.... together with anything that was on it...... and his chair..... the white board on the wall took a hefty thump from the chair and is not looking too firmly fixed anymore either. He is on the phone now to Office Water Cooler Lady Hoomun trying to convince them the damage is just wear and tear. Will someone please open that office door and let me out, the silence in here is deafening

My Little Moment

I have had a bit of a moment these last few days, but I know you'll be pleased to know I am now feeling much better. It all started last weekend when The Owner started rushing around tidying and dusting. A bit like he does when Cleaner Lady Hoomun is due to come in, except she doesn't normally come in on a weekend. The Owner informed me that Owners Daughter was on her way up to see us. He says she is a special one. He says that about Diesel Dog Daughter and Small Boy too. He has been known to say it about me from time to time but judging by the slightly disparaging tones he uses I think the context may be different though. Owner's Daughter arrived much earlier than normal for her, before lunch, and dragged in with her a washing basket full of stuff. Now I have recent experience of hoomun washing piles, the last one I came across sprouted a small pair of arms and legs and had a lot to say on most things so I kept a very wary eye on this one too! Owners Daughter frowned a lot at everything whilst The Owner was making tea and then dived into this washing basket. I thought this would be the point when my peace was about to be shattered, and it was, but for a very different reason. Owners Daughter produced bottles of polish and cleaning cloths and all manner of cleaning stuff which I was fearful may have brought The Owner out in a rash. Not as an allergy, just that it was going to involve cleaning. Owners Daughter then frowned a lot more and gave The Owner a bottle of something unpleasant and some cloths and sent him out into the boot room with the ruddy Dyson. Not as a punishment, but with instructions to clean the fridge and not come in again until he had done it! It was all said in the manner that even The Owner wasn't going to argue! I became a little uneasy at this point coz I felt certain that I had things behind the fridge that I would rather he didn't find and I watched nervously from a distance for quite a while. I was quite sure his pair of gardening gloves, missing since the summer, were squirrelled away under there and I was going to be in dead trouble when he found them. Surprisingly, he didn't find them, so I am at a loss as to where they went! He re-emerged with that triumphant look on his face that normally means trouble and I couldn't help but notice that even though his cleaning cloths looked remarkably clean still, his new white T shirt wasn't. Owners Daughter, meanwhile had been very busy, it would seem, and had found boxes of rubbish, newspapers, unopened letters and a variety of other detritus one could generally associate with The Owner and it was all stacked in little heaps everywhere. This is what upset me and I spent the rest of the day sat between The Owners legs. If he moved, so did I. If he walked around, so did I. You don't want to be taking chances when things are being moved around at the cottage, just in case I might be next. By the time Owners Daughter left that night everything had been put away again and the cottage looked much cleaner but I was still a little uncertain about all this stuff going on around me so I risked being told off for making him spill his wine and stayed walking between his legs wherever he went. I did try and climb on his lap once or twice but he didn't seem to welcome it. This week I have stayed either by his side or between his legs, just in case. I even thought it best to forgo my patrols. Today I was feeling a little better and have been on my first solo patrol this week! The hose pipe is in a heap outside the office, as is the yard broom, there is one less dollop of badger poo up on the hill, I am steaming gently by the electric fire and The Owner isn't talking to me. Equilibrium restored.... result!

The Brown Delivery Van

Today we had Delivery Hoomun arrive, only not in the customary white van that seems to be the cue for much angst from The Owner. This was a brown one! Not the hoomun, just his van. He jumped out with lots of bon homme, and a small cardboard box. "You must be Jack!", he said cheerily. Well, you could have struck me down with an empty Bonio box! How the hell did he know??? Then he presented me with this cardboard box which The Owner pinched out of my mouth as soon as Delivery Hoomun had gone. It had apparently come all the way from America which I think is the other direction from Swindon, so it must be the other side of Chippenham. Now I am aware that there are strange things at Chippenham, like office doors that open without anyone touching them as you approach, so the other side of Chippenham must be really terrifying! The Owner gave me the cardboard box and kept the book inside it for himself. Just as long as he doesn't try that with the Bonio box we shall probably be all right! "Hang on!", I thought, "That book has got me on the cover!!!!!!" I should have kept quiet, The Owner just gave me the bill and said I had to pay it if it was mine. But it is !!!!!! It is the draft copy of my book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the way from the other side of Chippenham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I need a lie down on my comfy cushion now!

At The Proof Readers!

Jack Labrador's book is now with the proof readers! Heaven only knows what they will make of that! The cover is likewise awaiting approval by the publisher. It is set up for hard copy and also going onto Kindle as soon as it is approved. If I have to have just one more argument that "Hoomun" is a real word and not a spelling mistake I can see teddies parting company with prams in a very spectacular fashion.

My Adventure in Sainsbury's

I have had a bit of an adventure this evening! The Owner needed to go to Sainsburys for some groceries. I was confident that this may include the odd Bonio or Markie so I allowed him to go, but wait up... he is taking me too! Sainsburys are my favourite!! We went off with Ugly Sister in his big car but The Owner had "Bizniz" to deal with in town so The Owner opted to get out and walk round town. After presenting Bill with an envelope similar to the ones which seem to cause The Owner so much angst, we wandered to Sainsburys (which The Owner referred to as Sainsbugs and then laughed loudly at his own joke). When we got to Sainsbugs (he has got me at it now) I sat outside and was put on trust. Which means I have to sit outside in the rain like a lemon and get wet. To others it means I am not tied up outside the shop and have to behave myself. I sat there getting wet, awaiting the return of The Owner and as it was raining there was little option of any treats from any passer by. I was understandably despondent and then I heard it. Inside they have a "ping pong ping" announcement thingy, which asked for Mr Jack Greening to report somewhere and then they said "Jack, will you go to the checkouts?" I didn't need asking a second time, it was wet out there! I rushed in and Shop Manager Hoomun tried to greet me (I thought) with open arms. Well it was The Owner I was looking for so I was not about to let Shop Manager Hoomun catch me! I ran (athletically) down the row and more shop hoomuns joined the game, I have to report it was quite fun. But it was The Owner I was looking for so I ran on. More shop hoomuns... no match for my athletic manner. Although I have to report they were becoming more cunning and quite quite persistent. Not a problem.... I would just run around them! Ah... first problem... shiny floors and wet paws....not a problem I thought, it won't take them long to rebuild that stand. Traction was becoming more difficult as I ran into the olive oil stand and slid into the special offer half price wine stand. I found The Owner, predictably, at the sherry shelf. Well I don't think it would take them more than a day or so to put it all back together, which is better than some of The Owners little mistakes, they are still in bits after twelve months! I am thinking we may have to shop in Tescos from now on. Shop Manager didn't seem very friendly!

Nasal Failure!

There are times when I really wish The Owner's armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels! May I just explain that as a K9, having hoomuns blow on, or even worse, up our noses is the worst thing imaginable and will always be met by an unfavourable response. This morning, as autumn extends her chilly grip across this great land of ours (excluding the other side of Swindon obviously) in anticipation of the frosty mornings, The Owner was out in the garden tidying up and putting stuff away. His attentions were particularly caught and occupied by the hosepipe. The short section at the end was particularly shop-soiled after Small Boy's last visit and was removed. The Owner then removed any residual water left in the pipe by blowing down it. Well I wouldn't, it has been within weeing height all summer! Fast forward to this evening. The day, largely being at it's end, I was starting to snooze gently on my comfy cushion. In the course of my slumber I was suddenly and rudely awoken by the most violent and explosive urge to inexplicably sneeze. Once the convulsions had subsided I opened my eyes to seek the cause of this situation and could see nothing to explain what had just happened. The Owner was sat in his chair reading his Sunday paper and the fire was gently crackling in the grate. Assuming it to be "one of those things" I turned my attentions back to slumber, only to be hit by a further irresistible urge to sneeze to the point where I farted and a little bit of wee came out. Opening one eye I could still see nothing to cause this reaction and drifted back into slumber. After a chance opening of an eye I saw The Owner's paper shaking as if from laughter. Then I noticed the piece of hosepipe he had removed earlier in the day poking out from under the edge of his paper and advancing in the general direction of my nose to claim victory in it's third attempt at inducing nasal failure. I know there isn't such a thing as nasal failure, but there is now, I just made it up and it works for me, OK?????? He walks like a camel anyway, smells like one too.....

Attacked by The Squidger

Last night The Owner took to calling me Earle! He sat there watching the TV where we learned for the twenty fifth time how to build an Airbus A380. I pretend to be interested as it keeps him from feeling dejected I guess, that a K9 (with breeding) may have understood the intricacies of building an Airbus A380 on the first watching. On the coffee table in front of him is spread an array of remote controls, one might even call it an arsenal of remotes. There is one for the TV, one for the set top box, one for the surround sound, one for the DVD player, one for the DVD recorder, one for the video cassette player (very old school,) and a spare. So having selected his channel on the building of an Airbus A380 and set the volume level he placed the remote on the arm of his chair and settled back to watch. Again! I curled up on my comfy cushion, which, as it happens, is right below the arm of his chair. After a few moments the remote landed on my head in a very unceremonious fashion. I assumed there was some reason for this being thrown at me so I sort of included it into the folds of my comfy cushion and settled back to enjoy a snooze with one eye and kept the other on the Airbus A380. We were just getting to the interesting part where they bolt the wings on when he changed channels, and then turned the volume up. I was a bit mystified by this! Then The Owner gets up, whilst the volume levels were going up and down quicker than the price of a box of Bonio's and starts pulling all the cushions out from his chair. Having not found what he was looking for, presumably the TV remote, he selects "The Spare" from his now dwindling arsenal of remotes. Tuning back in to watching the Airbus A380 he had missed the best bit and the thing was now airborne, as was the volume level on the TV! I was unsure what he was trying to do. Flicking channels and always back to watching the Airbus program and volume levels up and down as fast as you could say "Bonio's would be nice three times a day please!" After a while of this he got fed up and turned the TV off and announced he was going to bed. I got up from my comfy cushion and left his TV remote on the cushion for him to find for the morning. But it would seem that he was blaming me for the somewhat erratic control of his channels and volume. Ever since he has been laughing as he walks past me and saying "Are you sitting on the remote again Earle?" I think he may be sickening for something.

Am I Famous?

Today is a day of celebration - I think! I was recognised this morning at the gate by cyclist hoomuns as they rode past. I was sat there sniffing nonchalantly at the breeze, trying to work out what to go and sniff at next when suddenly they were upon me, before I had time to work out a suitable opinion to have about cyclists wearing too much brightly coloured lycra (although I think that is an opinion in itself) when one of them started trilling at the top of her voice "Look, there's Jack!". The other one went "Aawwwwwwwwwwww!" I am unsure at the moment whether that was good or not. I will practice my response for another occasion. The Owner has been telling me this morning that I have an ISBN number which is the reason for my day of celebration. I have a question now, what is an ISBN number, do K9's have ISBN numbers and should I be having an opinion on the matter?

Jack Two Baths

Last night I was becoming a little concerned about The Owner, he is such a worry! He kept saying to me "You're going to smell soooooo nice tomorrow!". I think I smell perfectly ok anyway, but how could he know about this morning by last night??I pondered on this all night, sat in the bootroom. It didn't keep me awake as such, the fridge did that! I am sure it gets noisier!! Well, I got up this morning, still pondering, and chased The Owner for my breakfast. He was grinning at me in a particularly malicious fashion which unnerved me a little, I had a bath! Twice!!!!! I was whisked off my feet with no regard for my dignity and carried upstairs. As soon as he does that it is sure to end in tears and I do my best to ensure the tears are his and not minebut I was deposited without due ceremony in THE BATH!!! With lavender (yuk and phew) bubble bath!!!! I can feel nightmares coming on for tonight already! I think I may be in trouble later when he goes to bed, when I jumped out of the bath I ran across the landing and had a quick trip around his bedroom and across the bed. I ran down the stairs and out into the garden at which point I couldn't help notice that there was a dollop of badger poo in the woods at the top of the garden and, well, sort of,.............................well........................................rolled in it. I couldn't help it! I did notice that my second bath of the morning, in the pond since you ask, was a little cooler than the first bath. Devoid of any badger poo on the shoulder The Owner made me walk to heel all the way to the Village Hall. There was lots of people there, nearly as many as I saw in Lundun last week and many of them seemed to be very friendly (unlike The Owner who had a very unfriendly scowl). I had the feeling I was some kind of celebrity! That was until I was shut in a cage in the back of Lectrician Hoomuns car. In a cage!!!!!!!!!!!! I have breeding I do!! Had I mentioned that I was born and trained on Lord Bath's estate? The good thing was that The Owner didn't realise that I was being fed lots of cake through the bars of the cage in which I had been incarcerated. I wonder what's for tea?

The Trailer Monster!

Yesterday was Friday! Has the K9 (with breeding) lost it I hear you ask, to make such a simple fact worthy of mention in a post? Well, in my understanding hoomun days are twenty four hours long, my Friday is currently standing at 33 hours and is showing no signs yet of drawing to a close. I don't know what has got into my hoomun!! For the purpose of clarity let us just call Friday the bit up until midnight last night and the rest we shall hereafter refer to as Saturday even though the two are normally distinguished by an extended period of slumber and snooze. After work on Friday we ambled up to the pub so The Owner can enjoy the odd pint (or four) but I really don't mind as it means I go too, and then I can hone my skills in extracting the odd morsel from any who come within my powers. Mainly lady hoomuns since you ask. So far, yesterday was remarkable only in that it was starting to draw to a close. Until The Owner got a phone call.... as he was getting ready for bed! There then followed much frantic activity until his mate, who he refers to as The Ugly Sister, no idea why as I thought being a sister made you a lady hoomun, came bounding through the door with far too much enthusiasm in my opinion. I am not normally allowed in his car but today I was actually encouraged to!! Now comes the worrying bit, we went off the other side of Swindon. A long way the other side of Swindon! I was on my guard for strange things happening! After much discussion and a lot of swearing at Ugly Sister's Satnav , (which seemed to have an opinion on just about everything) and several hours driving, we arrived at our destination, at least that's what Satnav seemed to be suggesting. To me it seemed more like a bit of dual carriageway with no distinguishable features. The Owner found the right place for The Ugly Sister and has not let it rest since. It was very dark and The Owner got out and let me out for a wee. He put me straight back in the car as he said he had to "Couple up the trailer!" which sounded very important, at least in The Owner's mind it did. I am not sure if K9's do trailer coupling or not but The Owner seemed very pleased with his efforts as he got back in the car. We then traveled off into the dark of the night. With not much to see I settled down and enjoyed the journey, this proved to be my undoing. We came to a roundabout which clearly had a lot of street lights and I wanted to see whether there would have been any which required wee'ing up. As I opened one eye and looked up, there it was, directly above me, a MONSTER!! Just the other side of the back window.... the kind of monster you would expect to find the other side of Swindon and it was looking in as we drove along!! In my half awake state, defence of my hoomuns was my only concern! Well actually it was because it scared the poop out of me, but I feel sure there was at least some desire to protect my Hoomun. I leaped up and had a great deal to say on the matter...... well how was I to know it was the trailer and it was meant to be there??? Their laughter ringing in my ears for the rest of the way home, I began to plot my revenge! Expect reprisals!! I am looking forward to my bed tonight and if he tells one more delivery driver to "Watch the dog as he may be grumpy, he didn't get much sleep last night!" it won't be the delivery driver that needs to watch me!!!!!

The End of a Good Day!

Yesterday was a good day! There was much frantic activity during the morning by The Owner, he had announced that he was going to have a day off which I had assumed would mean we would "do things". But instead he started painting. He painted the walls, he painted the doors, he painted himself, he painted the bath, he painted the sink; he also got some paint on the beams which I gather was his intended target. The oven was another of his targets and I now understand that the rungs inside the oven are meant to be bright and shiny! At some point in the afternoon, after he had stolen my duvet from the boot room and thrown it without due ceremony into the washing machine (he seemed to think it was getting smelly, I thought it was getting about right) Owners Daughter arrived. After successfully communicating mind to mind and getting her to retrieve a Bonio for me from the tin, The Owner went and got several armful's of newspaper and went to throw it in the boot of Owners Daughters car. I am always hopeful of a trip in a car somewhere so I jumped in quick, fully expecting to be removed amid much bellowing but I was allowed to stay!! We went first to the recycling centre and then to the pub in the next village, where I met not one, but two lady chocolate labs and two swamp collies. And I got fed when we got home! It is a very comforting feeling at the end of a day when things have gone well, I even let The Owner sit on my settee.

The Visit by The Pile Of Washing!

We have had visitors we have! A car arrived in the lay-by in front of the cottage and out got a familiar shape, Polly Dog! I have met Polly Dog before when she came to see me with her Hoomun called NieceinBornmuff. Well NieceinBornmuff has apparently now changed her name, as The Owner now informs me that she is called NieceinBlandford. I am unsure why hoomuns change their names like that, I will investigate and report. Out of the car also got Musician Hoomun carrying a bundle of washing, I thought, as I wee'd on their car wheel. The Owner and the other two hoomuns carried the bundle of washing in doors and the tea ritual, which I have witnessed so many times when hoomuns come to visit, was started by putting the kettle on. I had assumed that the bundle of washing had been brought up because their washing machine was broken or something. The Owner had to take his washing to Owners Dad's once when his washing machine sprung a very large leak and cast water upon the kitchen floor in a very dramatic fashion. So I reasoned that maybe they also had a very wet kitchen floor and felt it my duty to point out that I was in no way responsible. Cups of tea made and great attention on my part being paid to who was going to be the easiest to get a Bonio from, when the strangest thing happened!! The pile of washing started to move... on it's own!! Then made noises! Then a toy hoomun arm appeared... followed by a toy hoomun leg, and altogether far too much of an opinion on just about every matter you could think of!! Well I have never seen a hoomun as small as that before! Do they make lots like that or is this a one off? I watched this small hoomun with an air of caution for the next hour or so, you know where you are with The Owner but the Heap of Washing Hoomun was unpredictable at best. I was quite grateful for a lie down in the boot room that night, I had one of my headaches coming on!

Lady Auntie Hoomun's Visit

Yesterday, amid much excitement, Owner's Dad arrived together with Lady Auntie Hoomun and Accountant Hoomun. I thought Accountant Hoomun was a strange name for a hoomun but he did give me a Bonio so I will always play along with strange hoomun behaviours. Lady Auntie Hoomun also gave me many Bonio's so I will forgive her for what followed. Whilst I was giving a Bonio my full attention all of them ran outside and closed the front door behind them. Feeling it was all a mistake I ran to the back door..... it was shut! I ran to The Owner's bedroom window... the door was closed! I was suspecting that this was perhaps not a mistake and they had deliberately abandoned me. Bereft, I consoled myself with a sneaky snooze on the velvet cushions. When they returned, my K9 snifter, which never lets me down, deduced they had been to a pub somewhere.... without me! More Bonio's followed so I was in half a mind to forgive them until Lady Auntie Hoomun kept insisting I joined them in the garden for "Family Fun and Frivolities!". My comfy cushion, or better still the velvet cushion on my settee with which I am building a good bond of late, seemed a far better option in my opinion! I checked the car to see whether Cat was there and got chased away so I suspect he may have been hiding in there and was scared to come out as the cows were in the paddock opposite. Now, after my recent trip to Lundun on the train where I witnessed The Owner and other hoomuns picking up the evidence when us K9's had a poo, I have come to consider myself something of an expert on the matter. However, a question was posed to me yesterday which I have to say baffled me slightly. I understand how some K9's, labs in particular, work tirelessly to assist their blind owners, (I work tirelessly, on the other hand, to confuse The Owner. It's slightly different, yet equally successful) but the question was posed, who picks up their poo when they have one? It all sounds terribly messy if you ask me...

Hoomuns Are Like This!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold!

Yesterday I met a lady. One who clearly recognises breeding. The Owner and I were walking back to the studio for the third time that morning, why he doesn't write a list escapes me, when Lady Hoomun With Horse happened upon us. The Owner always says that it is a woman with a funny growth between her legs.... and then laughs very loudly, so it must be one of his special jokes that no-one else understands. As Lady Hoomun With Horse got closer she uttered words I will cherish forever. "I do admire your dog", she said to The Owner. "He is so handsome and well behaved!". I was beside myself! I have made notes and will not be weeing on her car door or her handbag should I see her in the pub one day. The Owner was predictably dismissive and said I had my good days and then, scowling in my direction, added "Sometimes!!!". Talk about deflated!! Owners Daughter arrived last night and stayed in the spare room, after The Owner had brushed off all my hair and other bits and pieces from where I managed to get a sneaky forty-winks when The Owner was out one day, and then passed it all off as a freshly made bed. What is the saying about revenge being a dish best served cold?? Well the more observant among you may have remembered how Owner's Daughter forcibly deposited me in the bath one day? Well..... let me just say, Owner's Daughter is not, habitually, an early riser, I am. I have a cold wet nose, and the grass in the garden was very damp this morning. An early morning poo causes me to get very excited and run very fast in no particular direction. Except today I found a direction.... straight up the stairs. Let's just say she was up and out of the bed with a certain sense of urgency at this point. It was a good start to the day, now, what to do next? Has Old Reg the Paper Boy delivered the paper yet I wonder.

My trip to Lundun

Yesterday morning The Owner was up early and polished his shoes (always a bad sign) and then dragged his suit out of the wardrobe. Not off a hanger, you understand, but from the bottom where he had thrown it after a disagreeable meeting a month ago. This of course liberated one or two of my little misdemeanour's. Well he had left me on my own a couple of times and I wanted somewhere different to lay and the wardrobe door was open! So this was the first accusing stare I had received that day, there will be more. And it was only a few of my hairs!!! So, suit de-haired and put on, I was expecting the usual cursory Bonio to be thrown my way and then abandoned to my own amusement for the day. Instead he picked up my posh lead and told me to get in the car!!! We went to SWINDON!!!! I was a little nervous until we got to the station and I relaxed a little, I knew that we get trains from stations and they go to Bath, I have been there before. I had also learned not to wee on the old lady's zimmer frame legs, they are apparently not for my benefit. However I was taken a little by surprise when the train came from the other direction, but a very grumpy chap who clearly had no understanding of my breeding told The Owner "Be careful with that dog and mind the gap with it." With IT!!! So I wee'd on his trouser leg and felt much better for it. The Owner said we were going to Lundun! When we got to Lundun there were so many people! We don't even see that many people at the village hall! We walked across the big station, I have never done my best walking to heal quite so good as that before. Not to demonstrate my considerable prowess at walking to heel, just that I wanted to keep The Owner close by me. Then we came across this huge badger hole and all these people went down it! What kind of a place was that???? As we got close to it I noticed that the stairs were all falling down the big hole, well I frankly wasn't surprised with that many people standing on it. Then The Owner went to jump on, well, I wasn't about to get on that!!! It moves!!! Oh the embarrassment! The Owner picked me up and carried me down it. Those badgers must have been very well organised as they have trains and everything down there. I must have a look again at the badger sett on the hill when next I go for a quick roll. When we got off the train, and came back out of the badgers sett we arrived in this park which The Owner said was a Kings park. I did look but didn't see a King. What is a King anyway? Should I have one? Anyway it was about that time of day so I found a secluded spot behind a tree and tried to ignore the big offices full of people. Then The Owner.... what was he doing?????? he pulls a carrier bag out of his jacket pocket and PICKS IT UP!!!!!! I told you the world was very strange the other side of Swindon didn't I? And it has even affected The Owner. I pretended not to notice out of politeness but I have to report I am in no hurry to repeat that particular journey. You know where you stand with cows. As far away as possible usually, but at least you know.

The Water Main

I felt a little uncertain about events of this morning at first. Morning patrol accomplished, it just left the journey to the studio before a Bonio to chomp on would appear out of my Bonio Bucket. Then The Owner would do his emails and stuff whilst having a slurp from his coffee mug. As we approached the farm everything appeared normal, and I have come to expect this sort of thing when disaster is about to befall, when from nowhere it came! There I was, weeing up against a clump of grass on the side of the road, when suddenly it started to wee back!!!! Then the drain in the gully started to have an opinion on the matter too, followed by the cracks in the driveway, a second drain, another clump of grass which I hadn't wee'd on yet and the area around the gatepost, also not wee'd on yet! With that much water around it is usually something to do with me I have noticed, or at least I get blamed for it, so I tried very hard to keep out of everyone's way just in case. I opted to go and sit in the field behind the fence to distance myself from the water and any attached blame. It was then that I noticed the water was off down the road past The Owner and heading straight for Farmer Hoomun's cottage. If water could have a vengeful look in it's eye, this was just the occasion when it would have had it! I couldn't help but think that The Owner was getting worried as well at this point, in case he got the blame as well! The water then suddenly disappeared down another drain, which I have noted, if it can take that much water in one go it is worth knowing about! You never know when that kind of information may come in handy! After much excitement on the farm with hoomuns of varying shapes and sizes talking to their phones and scratching their heads I heard The Owner pronounce his verdict with a great sense of authority on the matter. We have a water leak!! A big water leak!!!!!! I will keep you informed.

Yet More Wise Words from Jack Labrador

”That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” - Friedrich Nietzsche - Now here is a man who understands badger poo!!!!! More wise words from Jack Labrador.

Even More Wise Words from Jack Labrador

‎"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Aristotle ~ But with no mind at all everything is entertaining! More wise words from Jack Labrador.

More Wise Words from Jack Labrador

Obstinacy and vehemency in opinion are the surest proofs of stupidity. (Which reminds me, I haven't seen The Owner in a while.) ~ More wise words from Jack Labrador.

Lady Chocolate Lab Caught Out Again!

I am Sooooooo over Lady Chocolate Lab!

The Bells

Such a weekend of embarrassment I have had. It all started on Friday with some fool telling The Owner that the whole country was being asked to ring a bell for three minutes just after breakfast. Having found an old bell in the bottom of a box somewhere, he dusted it off and chose to ignore the crack in it even though it sounded more like my food bring thrown into my metal food bowl, and began clanging furiously. The lady hoomun on the telly rather foolishly announced that many churches across the country are also ringing bells so he stuck his head out the boot room door and noticed no bells ringing at our church. Whilst composing a letter in his head to my mate Vic R about the lack of public spirit etc. he was out on the road waving his bell at driver hoomuns who he clearly felt they were in need of his advice and direction. Which was most of them. Then police hoomun turned up! How embarrassing? Someone had reported a madman waving a bell in a particularly threatening manner at hoomuns as they passed the cottage. I went up the garden and off on patrol and left him to it. Well, I have a reputation to uphold! And I have breeding I do. I am not the one who gets brought home in a police car, or now, gets taken away in one. Then yesterday was a day of fun for me, The Owner had been told to get himself home from the police station and had arrived and was busy composing another letter to someone called MP. He must be really hip and happning, whoever he is, if he is only known by his initials. So I kept myself very entertained with the cyclist hoomuns who were coming past the cottage in large numbers. I would have a quick snooze in the sun up by the barbie and then when I heard them coming down the road I would run very fast (on silent) and then burst through the gap in the hedge making lots of noise and see if I could get a wobble out of them. I was having great fun when I heard some more coming down the road. So I started my charge....lady hoomuns this time... such fun as they always wobble more and louder (have you never seen a loud wobble?) I was nearly at the hedge and ready to burst forth with lots of noise, I am such a master at my art, when I heard lady cyclist hoomun say to her mate, "My friend lives in there!". Brakes!!! Brakes!!!! That would have been sooooooooooooo embarrassing! It would have been a bit like The Owner saying hello to someone in town who he thinks he knows when it isn't them..... except that is funny.

Cling Film Poo!

I had a very strange experience this morning which unsettled me to be honest! To put things into some kind of perspective I need to take you back a day or two. One afternoon The Owner had called in Plumber Hoomun as there was a vast escape of water in the cottage for which I was in no way responsible. It was in the bathroom which, because of it's definition, i.e. bath, I have nothing to do with. So, Plumber Hoomun arrived brandishing two new taps for something in the bathroom. He had much discussion with The Owner about which tap should be installed but whilst that took place he had left his box of stuff by the gate... so I went to investigate. Nothing wrong with that I am thinking?!? What I found, in part, interested me greatly. His box contained lots of "Tools", none of which I had ever seen before. But what interested me particularly was his packet of sandwiches, perched on the top, wrapped in cling film. Nevertheless I decided I ought to pass comment on the quality of them and the filling. To be honest I did get a little carried away in my sampling and forgot myself a little and..... well...... ate them all. I thought I may have got away with it as Plumber Hoomun spent ages looking for them and inside his van but attention was diverted when my hoomun friend Acushla Hoomun arrived bearing Bonios. In fact, in the excitement I had forgotten my input into the reason Plumber Hoomun spent half an hour searching his van for his dinner. So, today, breakfast consumed, it was time to go and have a quiet moment on the side lawn. Quiet moment had, and bowel evacuated, one always has to have a quick sniff and a check to make sure all is in order. You just have to do things like this! So I did. Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!! Who wrapped them all neatly in cling film???!!! It wasn't The Owner, he was inside! It took me a while to figure out the connection. I need a lie down!

The Helmet

Oh dear! I'm in trouble - at least I will be when everyone has worked out what happened. It was an uneventful day at the studio, periods of snoozing broken only by intervals of slumber throughout most of the day. Disturbed only by a brief period of delicious activity as I terrorised the new postman, such a pushover in the face of K9 superiority! Being summer(ish) The Owner keeps the studio door open and I snoozed in the doorway all day in the sun, until nearly at the end of the afternoon when I opened one eye and noticed Dairy Yoof's friend turn up on his bike, get off it and then push it into the little garage beside the studio. At exactly that moment I heard The Owner put his glasses down and pick up his phone and keys and that means only one thing - home and then - dinner!!! I rushed out the door eager to wee on the gate post before i leave my territory unguarded for the evening. I stopped in mid wee when I noticed something with lots of colour and kind of round sitting in the middle of the yard. I reasoned that if I was going home I needed to get this new addition to the yard wee'd on quickly, just until the morning when I would have more time to do the job properly. I was halfway through my wee when I heard Dairy Yoof's mate call out to someone, not sure who, "Can you pick my helmet up off the yard?". Ah! So that's what it was! I thought it may be time for a little subterfuge so I quickly ran round the outside of the studio and reappeared from the other direction. Clever eh? Couldn't have been me could it? I think Dairy Yoof's mate was a little suspicious, if the look on his face as he put his helmet back on his head was anything to go by. I got the distinct vibe that my efforts were less than appreciated from the stern look he gave me as I dutifully walked to heel beside The Owner as we headed for home. I feel that maybe tomorrow would be a good time to make myself scarce and spend a little while in the calf sheds out of the way.

The Owner and The Ambliance

We have had major things going on here today! The Owner had been shouting at Robert Peston on the telly again this morning, which is always a bad start to any day and then he thrust his hands deep in his pockets and we stomped off to the studio. I walked a little behind him all the way down. Not out of any sense of duty you understand, more a sense of self preservation. When we got to the studio he opened some letters and then started shouting at them too. This was followed by the phone and then the computer. The day was not going well! Eventually, he, The Owner, made himself the customary eleven o clock coffee (which always means I get a Bonio, have I mentioned that I like Bonio's?) at half past ten. Now aren't you impressed that I can tell the time as well? He hadn't finished his coffee when he wandered off outside. I awaited his return for the other half of my Bonio but he didn't return, so I went outside to see what he was doing. I found him, lying like a heap of crumpled ironing outside on the floor, which I thought may have been a little unusual. And so, apparently, did Dairyman Hoomun and Lady Dairyman Hoomun, as they helped him back into the studio and flopped him into the chair. This big delivery van, with lots of blue lights and far too much to say for itself, then came into the farm and I am told they call it an ambliance which was ok as ambliances come with ambliance drivers and they may give me a Bonio. I was a little disappointed as they all paid The Owner far too much attention which will only make my life difficult when they have gone, and they didn't give me a Bonio. Next thing I knew, they'd whisked The Owner off into the ambliance. Well I was, by now, beside myself with concern! Not only had they not given me a Bonio but they had encouraged The Owner to go with them and he hadn't given me the other half of my Bonio yet. It really is just too much, I may have to pee on their wheels if I see them again. I think The Owner is going to be a little difficult this evening if he has had any attention during the day from Ambliance Hoomun and Lady Ambliance Hoomun.

Breakfasts second course

How do hoomuns just KNOW? The Owner does it all the time, I do something which I feel he wouldn't want me to do and I do it when he isn't around. Then when I wander in through the back door he is there, arms folded, foot tapping with that accusing look in his eye. Today was just one of the those such days. It was raining when I went off for a mini patrol after breakfast, when I happened upon something organic and decaying nicely in the woods near the barbie. I had a little room left after breakfast so I thought a quick chomp wouldn't hurt. When I got back to the cottage The Owner was sat watching the telly with his cup of tea shouting at Robert Peston on the news. He holds him in similar contempt as That Slimeball Mandelson and so there was a lot of shouting going on so I was anxious not to cop any of that flack and knowing he wouldn't have been too impressed with my little snack I crept in on my belly and and slid around the corner of the sofa to get to my comfy cushion. How did he know????? His first words were "What have you been up to?" in those accusing tones he reserves for such occasions. I tried to creep under the sideboard but there was more accusing looks to follow. Ok, so I did deposit my breakfast and my extras on the carpet at his feet, but all the accusations were a little harsh I felt. I just wish I knew what it was I had eaten as it was perhaps not quite ripe enough. Perhaps that was what the problem was, The Owner was saving it for himself! But I still would like to know how he just knows!!!

Lynx

I was sitting there all quiet watching the telly with The Owner when I whirled round looking for some explanation or reassurance. The man on the telly started talking about this cat and described it as Lynx. To me, it looked not dissimilar to Cat that tried to walk on water earlier last week, and who incidentally has still not forgiven me and growls whenever I walk past on patrol. When The Owner wears Lynx he certainly doesn't look quite so furry. He seems to think it will make women fall at his feet in a heightened state of carnal desire. Of course, they don't and that may be due in part to the application of half a bottle producing a stench worthy of a large lavender bush and capable of descaling a kettle at a hundred yards, and also because of his constant laughing at his own jokes. I am failing to see the connection here unless Cat on the television is also wearing the same stinking stuff. I will try an find out more over the coming days.

Walking on Water

This morning I have made an important discovery for animal science!!! Cats do walk on water, albeit a little shakily, probably in need of more practice. I was on early morning patrol and am happy to report that the pond has had so much drought flow in to it that it is now full and overflowing. We have had a problem recently with a fox using the front lawn as it's own private lavatory for which I at first was getting the blame. Although as The Owner has always said, if I do one it usually requires blue and white road signs around it and to be treated as a roundabout. So he finally realised that these were far too delicate and small to have come from me and the admonishments I had received thus far were all in error. Did I get an apology? Nah! So, on patrol I was, near the pond. When I heard noises in the little copse around the back of the pond. I thought to myself, "Jack my boy, here is your moment to explain to Fox that he needs to adjust his pooing activities before The Owner catches up with him". So, with my stealthiest paws on and on my belly, I crept through the copse from the cricket field towards the pond. As I got closer I realised that Cat, who is new around here, had the same idea. He was creeping up on Fox too. So I crept closer and Cat crept closer. Cat had obviously been blamed for pooing on his Owner's lawn too. He crept right up behind Fox, (who was either very brave in the face of adversity or he had seen neither of us,) and was about to pounce, and I was right behind Cat. Well the excitement just got too much for me and I let out a very loud bark. It had the desired affect on Fox who legged it round the side of the pond and across the fields, but I am guessing that Cat was unaware of my presence until that point, as he ran straight across three lily pads and only realised he was on water when he was nearly at the other side...... and sank! Up to that point he was doing well I thought. Brave as ever, I jumped in and rescued him. Which seemed to be a little under-appreciated and I now have a little scab on the top of my nose which is a little distracting as I can see it if I squint a little. If I snooze I can shut my eyes and it won't be such a problem I think. I'll be on top of the straw bales in the calf sheds if anyone wants me.

A Philosophical View

There are days when you are the sitter; and then there are days when you are the sat upon!

Diesel Dog has Landed!

Well, what a few days I have had! Sundays, as I may have mentioned before follow a set pattern. The Owner gets up, makes a cup of tea and feeds me, then takes said cup of tea through to the living room and puts the telly on and shouts at The Andrew Marr show a lot. He says things like Slimeball Mandleson and other words that I pretend not to understand. Then he makes a second mug of tea and picks his paper off the front porch and then sits in the dining room and rants a lot at the paper. Grateful that his rant isn't at me I snuggle up with him on that sofa (because I am allowed) and awaits the next disturbance which will be at coffee time when he has a coffee and a glass of sherry. After the coffee and sherry disturbance to my snuggling and snoozing I settled back down again, only to be disturbed soon after when a van pulled up in the lay by so I felt obliged to charge about the garden a little and act all brave. Well I was more than a little surprised to see Tesco Delivery Yoof there so I rushed around in an entirely different manner hopeful of a Bonio. It was then that the day took a little turn. I had a quick stretch and turned over when out of the corner of my eye I felt sure I saw something rush past. Unable to see anything that may have been responsible I settled down again, after a moment or two I was even more sure I had seen it again but when I looked the room was quiet and still, much as it always is. I was just having another stretch and climbing off the sofa when Diesel Dog ran through the dining room and the boot room and out the back door, apparently for the third time in as many minutes. I finished my stretch and was about to start looking where he had gone, when I was T boned in the side by a demented badger masquerading as Diesel Dog! I ran out the front door, mainly just to get out of his way until he had worked it out of his system, but the fool followed me! So I ran harder, so he ran harder. I ran harder still, so the demented badger known as Diesel Dog, ran harder still. After the fourth trip round the garden, taking in the boot room, the kitchen, the dining room, the hallway and the porch before going outside the cottage again, I took a little sidestep as we entered the kitchen and stood behind The Owner's legs where he was making tea for Owners Daughter and Diesel Dog Daughter. Diesel Dog got quicker and quicker in his efforts to catch up with me, whilst I watched from the relative safety behind The Owners legs. Three more trips round looking for me and he spotted me. I thought my peace was about to be shattered but he just kept on running. I was quite worn out just watching him!! I was lucky it was a warm and sunny day so I went and had a snooze behind the barbie in the woods, every time I opened an eye I could still see him running. It was all just too much effort and I still feel tired.

The Owners Acceptance Speech

The Owner is feeling very pleased with himself today. The gullible among you have been buying his book! He is already trying to write his acceptance speech for the National Book Awards. I have the laptop so he is currently sucking thoughtfully on his pencil and then scribbling furiously before screwing up the paper and throwing it at the waste bin. You notice I didn't say in the bin, that was because it has already disappeared under the weight of two packs of paper. It could be another long day.

Even More Wise Words fro Jack Labrador

More words of wisdom from Jack Labrador - A horse may run quickly but it cannot escape its tail. Turn the tables and chase the tail instead - it always works for me. I never catch it though!

More Wise words from Jack Labrador

More wise words from Jack Labrador - A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush just means you weren't barking loud enough to scare the little varmints away in the first place!

My Collision With The Owner

Today I was beginning to feel I may have been forgiven for the damp duvet incident. The day had gone well, The Owner had his coffee and sat on the step in the sunshine and gave me two Bonio's. It's not often I get two Bonio's! Then, a little earlier than normal he grabs his phone and his keys and says "C'mon Jack, let's go and have some lunch shall we?" and we wandered home. I should explain that last night The Owner had mowed the lawns, even the ones around the back and the paths up into the woods by the barbie. It must mean that someone important is coming to see him or he would never have bothered with the back of the cottage and the paths in the woods. So, unusually, it is possible to completely circumnavigate the cottage without getting stung in one's important little places. Now big words like that do tend to impress me with my own brilliance! Whilst The Owner went inside I stayed outside and had a poo, which always leaves me with an irresistible urge to run very fast. So I thought I would run all the way round the cottage very fast. It was great fun! I was nearing the end of the third circuit when it all went horribly wrong. As I rounded the corner of the porch on the front door The Owner was wandering out with a plate and a sandwich in one hand and a mug of tea in the other looking for a nice spot to sit and have his lunch. Well I hadn't allowed for this! I also felt he was making just a little too much of the whole affair with the way he threw his sandwich and drink in the air as I ran into him. There was a certain amount of venom went into the way he cut some more bread for a replacement sandwich, but the good news was I noticed where the sandwich went and when the dust has settled a little I will go and find it. I think until then I may keep out of the way a little.

The Aftermath of The Owner's Damp Bed

I was sooooooo right yesterday, when I predicted there would be ructions when The Owner went to bed last night. I had fallen foul, or rather in the hole that Road Worker Hoomun had dug in the road which by then had become a victim of the pond which had spread to include all the road, the ditch and some of the field. Because he was sat in the middle of what was formerly known as the road, I felt that I could have been easily excused for not realising there was actually a hole under there. That was until I fell in it of course! I had no sympathy at all from The Owner who laughed at my downfall in a particularly raucous fashion all the way home as I dribbled water behind me. As he hadn't toweled me off and had left me at home alone I found my way to his bed as somewhere warm and dry to lay for a while until I dried a little. My prediction was that he may have an opinion or two when he went to bed himself and found it to be a little more damp than he had been expecting. The evening had gone well and he ruffled my ears absent mindedly as he watched the TV and slurped loudly at his wine. It almost seemed a shame that it was going to end so loudly later, but hey ho, I am just a K9 after all. What could I do? Well, as predicted, soon after he went up the stairs there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from his bedroom. Well what could I do? You're right - hide! So I have found that there is enough room - just - for me to squeeze down the side of the tumble dryer and hide behind the fridge. As long as I don't mind sharing it with several odd socks, two pairs of boxers, a towel..... and a sink plunger! No idea what the sink plunger was doing there either! I think he must have slept last night in Small Boys bed as he isn't here during the week. When he came down the stairs this morning I heard him put the kettle on as normal and empty the tea pot as normal, but the door to the boot room didn't open for some time. This was a little worrying as the bladder was getting fairly stretched and not helped by the cramped spot I had spent the night. When the door was finally opened he stood there, in his boxer shorts, arms folded in a very uncompromising manner and a scowl on his face, which was frankly enough to have even silenced those two old ladies in the village that smell of lavender (yuk and phew!) who never stop talking. I have a feeling today could be a very long day, I was even put on a lead for the walk to the studio this morning!

The Hole That I Couldn't See in The Pond

Well, the observant among you may have noticed that we have had a little rain over the last few days. Today the weather showed little signs of change. I know this makes me sound a little like the hoomuns I have seen around the village spending hours discussing the wevva.... and beer. On patrol (in the rain) with The Owner at lunch time I encountered some very strange hoomun behaviour which I am at something of a loss to explain. The pond, was quite full and had spread right across the road. Nothing unusual in that, given the wevva, you are thinking. The unusual bit was Road Workman on his little digger, in the middle of it, digging a very large hole under the water. I found out later that he was digging a hole for new sewer pipes which will probably give The Owner some comfort that his taxes are being well spent. Now how did I know he had dug a hole under the water? Well, as you ask, The Owner stopped to chat and try and impress Road Workman with his knowledge on digging holes and to show off his new wellington boots as he stood in the water. I had a quick sniff around his digger and wee'd on his tracks. Then I walked across the front of it and was somewhat surprised to get a mouth full of water and found myself unable to see anything through about four feet of murky water in the hole that Road Workman was apparently digging. The Owner showed his usual sympathy at my predicaments and laughed loudly as I spluttered my way to the surface again. The water was very muddy, and so was I when I clambered out. The Owner was far too busy to worry about drying me off a little with a rub down with a towel when we got back and soon disappeared back to the studio leaving me at home. He left me looking for some way of drying myself off a little. Well I am predicting there may be words said when he goes to bed later, I found just the spot to dry off a little and keep warm. I don't think The Owner will be happy with it though. The boot room is dry enough! :)

My Ride in The Pizza Delivery Van

Well, what an adventure I've just had! When we left the studio this evening we got to the road and there was much pondering as The Owner debated with himself over whether we turned and went to the pub or turned for home. It took a while, but eventually he decided and we came home. The Owner started to fidget until he fumbled through the letter box and out dropped an advert from the pizza shop offering two for the price of one. The naive among you would now be thinking that maybe the free one may be destined for me? Wrong! But that wasn't the adventure. Pizza Yoof arrived and came bounding up the pathway with far too much enthusiasm and bonne homme for all in a half mile radius. He stood at the front door, talking to The Owner and bounding around the front porch like a demented badger. He had left his car door open! And the front gate! Never one to turn down a trip out in a car I hopped in and then over on to the back seat and settled down to wait. Eventually he bounded back up the path and jumped in the car and shut the door. Excellent, I thought. We are off for a ride. Pizza Yoof turned the radio on very loud and started singing loudly and jumping around in his seat. I have to report his singing was going to win him absolutely no prizes on !The Voice. My little trip was going well, I thought and then he rummaged in his bag and produced a biscuit which he had a quick chomp on as we drove along. I was getting concerned that a bit of that biscuit was not coming my way so I sat up and tapped him on his shoulder with my paw and woofed a bit. Well I think he overreacted and behaved in a very dramatic manner! Fortunately the pub sign was not showing much damage, unlike Pizza Yoof's car bumper! I was brought back to the cottage and couldn't help notice our formerly bouncy Pizza Yoof was a little more subdued, in fact, sort of, like, well... normal. He is out there now with The Owner and a length of wire and a bit of string and a broken bumper. I reasoned that I am going to be sent to the bootroom when The Owner comes back in so I may just save him the trouble and take myself off there now. And he still didn't share his biscuit with me!!!!

The Visit to The Opticians

I have discovered today what an optician is and I think tomorrow we need to discover a different one! Last week sometime, the electricity went off, and so when we wandered home after patrol, the cottage was dark and silent. All he had to do was to go and press the switch, but no, he starts to reminisce about his childhood and the three day week. I have yet to work out what a three day week is as ours around here are all seven days. Must be a the other side of Swindon! He decided that an evening "By the light of the fire and a few candles" would be a good way to spend the time. Now something I have noticed about hoomuns is that their eyesight is not so good in the dark as us K9's. He went round to the wood shed and after fumbling around a little and swearing a bit, he re-emerged with an armful of logs. Inside the cottage his eyesight had improved none and I could see he was about to tread on his reading glasses in the middle of the floor. I was right!! He did tread on his glasses in the middle of the floor! Sometimes I even surprise myself! This necessitated us making a trip today into town to the opticians. He can be so embarrassing sometimes, when he feels a certain sense of injustice. No one else thinks his injustices are unjust, only in his little world. After selecting a pair off the rack that weren't bent and twisted like his old ones he went to pay for them as Mummy Hoomun was sorting out some for her small boy (not to be confused with my Small Boy) and Optician Hoomun said they were free. The Owner's were not free! They were the cause of much holding head in hands and shouting "How much?!?!?" There then followed much shouting and arguing about how much he has paid in taxes and stuff and as a large crowd was gathering at the shop doorway to see what the noise was about I crept outside and awaited the end of the argument when he was asked to leave again. Rolling in badger poo is such a simple way of life, don't you think?

Thoughts on Gold Foil Stuck to Noses

I have been more than a little charitable to The Owner during his recent "Medical Problems". I am not drawing any conclusions from his experiences and his palpitations occurring shortly after the arrival of his new medical dictionary! There is also a section I have noticed at the back on K9 ailments, which he is reading at the moment, amidst periodic glances in my direction over the top of his glasses (more of which later I am sure), accompanied by the occasional episode of K9 manhandling as he prods and pokes his way to disproving a further life affecting K9 affliction. Look, I am healthy!!! OK?!?!?!? I will of course draw no inference from the fact that the K9 section is at the back! However, after this morning, my formerly charitable feeling of "bon homme" has evaporated. Last night, he was drinking beer from bottles with funny corks in which he delights in firing around the room whilst trying to see how many times he can bounce them off walls, ceilings and other furniture and still hit me on the rump. They also come with gold foil covers over the top. This morning after breakfast and early patrol I had a quick sniff around the living room carpet looking for any traces of Bonio chomps from last night, or other edible detritus left behind, when a piece of this gold foil got stuck to my wet nose. It could be thought of in the same terms as hoomuns wearing mittens and then getting a hair in their mouths. Paws and claws are just not good at getting rid of bits of gold foil stuck to damp noses! The Owner, predictably, has found the whole matter very amusing and keeps laughing loudly at me every time he sees me and, as the foil in question is sticking up at the front of my nose, and in permanent view from where I can see it, keeps asking whether I prefer a cross hair or traditional blade sight. I responded by finding some badger poo for one shoulder and something indescribable in the calf sheds for the other. I was then banished to the boot room until the hose had been dug out of the shed and the yard broom rescued from wherever Small Boy had left it. I was then washed down in rather too rough a manner for someone of my breeding. He has now stolen my comfy cushion and my duvet and both are in the washing machine. The poo I found has been a particularly good vintage and has resisted normal attempts at removal. I am choosing to draw no conclusion at the moment from the fact that he is calling me in an altogether too friendly fashion from the bathroom, after much sloshing of water in the bath. I will report later on the glasses situation.

The Birthday Tea

Today is Friday and, perhaps predictably, we have been to the pub, "To celebrate your Birthday Jack!" he said. Am I missing something here? My Birthday, he gets the drink? The good news is that I managed to get him back home and past the pond without incident. Now, yesterday, we went to the studio. The Owner said to me, "Jack my boy, t's your birthday!" Well after past Birthdays I was immediately suspicious, I still remember the hangover! But, he offered me a dish of tea which I thought sounded a good idea. When Small Boy makes me tea I find it quite pleasant as an experience so I got quite excited and bounced around a lot. Well, three pints of tea was perhaps a little bit too much but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth do you? It was about an hour before the bladder became a little too uncomfortable, so The Owner let me out in to the paddock. Well I wee'd and I wee'd and I wee'd! The Owner was a little uncharitable, I felt, when he asked me if I wanted the Sunday papers to read whilst I was busy. When we got back to the cottage, Postman had delivered lots of chews and doggy chomps. Well, I had to sample a few didn't I? Not sure what was in one of them but it made me feel a bit funny and I finished up running from room to room. I couldn't help it!!!! The tally was; 2 pint glasses (full), a box of champagne flutes (now a box of bits), his favourite tea mug (no handle), his dinner plate (full), oh yes, and the table lamp (now without a lampshade). I am thinking that Birthdays may be overrated! I am going for a lie down!

More Wise Words from Jack Labrador

More wise sayings from Jack Labrador - Badger poo is a poo by any other name.

Wise Words from Jack Labrador

More wise sayings from Jack Labrador - A Bonio in the hand is worth.......well......eating really!

The Log Delivery

Yesterday, Bracknell Hoomun and Lady Bracknell Hoomun arrived and brought some logs for The Owner. When I say "some" logs, I mean a lorry load! It took them ages to unload them and carry them round the back and put them in the fuel shed. The fuel shed is now full beyond even The Owners head height right out to the door. I assisted with the process as you would expect, until Bracknell Hoomun nearly ran me over with his wheelbarrow and he seemed particularly vexed by having to load the barrow up again with what he dropped. I left The Owner alone as he seemed in a particularly bad mood as well, after he dropped one of his logs on his foot, just in case he found a way that it was my fault. I went instead and assisted Lady Bracknell Hoomun, mainly coz she had a pocketful of Markies and every time she got down off the lorry, I got one! This morning The Owner is wandering round the house looking for something. In the last few days we have had several deliveries of treats for me. My anonymous friend Blood Hound 7 sent me some treats through the post and then Andrew Plod Hoomun turned up looking for coffee and he brought me some treats, of which I was allowed only the one. Well this morning The Owner is looking for them to give me one for being a "Good Boy". Well, in hoomun terms, a "Good Boy" I am certainly not. But I have to report that treats do somehow taste better when you just find them when you are not supposed to. I think the peace and air of fraternity in the cottage may be shattered when he discovers the empty packet in the boot room. I hope he finds it soon so we can get that bit over and done with for the day coz I just know I will be in trouble when he does. It's raining hard outside so I can't escape to the farm so it may be a long day.