Well yesterday we had the brightest of Wiltshire Constabulary combing the village and asking all kinds of incisive questions. Most of them were ridiculous and some were very insulting towards The Owner and I had to have an opinion on the matter.
One Police Hoomun had to go and requisition a new pair of boots from their stores after I wee'd up them after I was forbidden from giving him a quick nip for a particularly disparaging comment about The Owner. Later they called in Police Dog (Hello! Nearly three weeks after The Owner disappeared?) who rushed about full of self importance barking a lot, until he slipped his collar and then we had a good game of chase around the cricket pitch much to Dog Handler Hoomun's distress. At one point he was so red in the face as he was bellowing at Police Dog I thought he was going to explode. It was a good game but I suspect he may be sent to his boot room when he gets home. Today they have issued the result of their extensive enquiries, "The Owner is missing". Well that has cleared up any doubt then. We can all rest a lot easier on our Cozy Cushions now then can't we. I think I may need to extend the range of my patrols a little in search of clues as to his whereabouts. Has anyone seen The Owner?
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Police Hoomuns are in the Village
There have been Police Hoomuns all up and down the village today asking all kinds of questions about The Owner and I have to say I am not particularly impressed with the kind of questions some of them were asking and even less so with some of the answers that were being given! I have made notes, expect reprisals!
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
The Maze
Sorry for my absence for most of the day yesterday, it was an enforced one over which I had little control. I now realise that Old Reg the Paper Boy is also the one responsible for cutting the hedges in the Manor. Until now I had only ever been aware of the noise of the hedge cutter at this time of the year and not who was behind it, my view being blocked by a hedge twelve feet high.
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
The Ming Vases
I was up early this morning, anxious to make amends for the misunderstanding at Lilly's pond last night. Another reason is that I couldn't sleep for the taste of pond water in my mouth! However, my morning patrol of the farm and surrounding areas went well and I came back more than a little damp from the heavy dew.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
Lilly's Pond
Harrumph! I am back in the boot room at the cottage tonight, I thought it best! I had been fed - in The Manor. You notice how I capitlise the name just to add an air of gravitas. So having been fed, I went for a leisurely patrol of the gardens so as not to arouse suspicions over my suspicions about the pond water showing up in the concrete pond at the far end of the gardens.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
The Dirty Concrete Pond
The Owner has still not come back and I begin to wonder if it was just one too many of my unusual smells or something. Now that I am a part time resident at The Manor I feel a little more able to include the grounds in my patrols of the farm and I have something rather interesting to report.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
I'm back!
Thank you all for your concerns and welcome back. It is a very troubling time, has anyone seen The Owner? His tea mug still sits where he left it, with green mould now growing out of the top of it, well I can't work the dishwasher! I have patrolled daily across the hills in search of him, well ok there is a very interesting badger carcass up there to be fair, but The Owner is my primary cause for concern at the moment.
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
WE HAVE ELECTRIC
Yesss! We have electric! Owners Daughter came to see me and gave me some Bonio's and some feed so all is nearly well with the world again... well my world anyway. I've been ok, they took me in at the Manor which was good of them but those shiny floors? Oh man! The paws go one way and legs the other every time I tried to walk across them.
I'm afraid the hereditary ancestral aspidistra was a victim to my slight instability on polished floors. After apparently 100 years with the same plant they were due to replace it I would have thought. More later, much to do now I have electric. Has anyone seen The Owner? He still hasn't been seen!
I'm afraid the hereditary ancestral aspidistra was a victim to my slight instability on polished floors. After apparently 100 years with the same plant they were due to replace it I would have thought. More later, much to do now I have electric. Has anyone seen The Owner? He still hasn't been seen!
The Last Post!
I've been on a patrol all round the farm; followed where I last saw The Owner heading through the morning mist and have come back home. Not a sign of him! The house is cold and except for the noise the electric metre is making all is quiet. I know The Owner does something to the meter when it makes that noise but I have no idea what or even if paws and claws can manage it! I'll go on another patrol later and see if I ca
He's not at The Pub
I have been to the pub to look for The Owner and got thrown out of there for not having a lead (pub rules) and a stroppy boxer dog wanted to pick a fight with me. I have breeding I do, I don't do pub brawls! The Owner wasn't there, so I came back to the farm to see if he was at the office but that was all locked up and quiet as a mouse inside. I am getting very worried now, he has missed his second mug of tea, breakfast, his mid morning sherry and now his Sunday lunchtime drink at the pub!
Has anyone seen The Owner?
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Has Anyone seen The Owner?
It's now nearly lunchtime and The Owner hasn't returned! I notice he has closed his bedroom window, the first time since I have lived here with him and there's only two pounds on the electric meter. I daren't go and patrol looking for him in case he comes back. It's pouring down with rain, but I will stand firm and await his return.
Has anyone seen The Owner?
The Owner goes Walkabout
It was a normal start to the morning, that is to say normal for this household. Before the sun came up I heard Old Reg the paper boy throw The Owners Sunday paper at the front door from the gate, he's done that since I mistook him for one of the cyclists in brightly coloured shorts and top who frequent our road on a Sunday morning and provide me with great sport. Then I hear the loo flush upstairs and The Owner comes grumbling down the stairs to put the kettle on. Everything was perfectly normal. He sat there reading his paper shouting at no one in particular with some angry or witty repost depending upon the type of story he was reading. Normality would then have involved a second mug of tea, a rant at The Andrew Marr show and then we would have gone for our walk around the farm and a further attempt on my part top educate The Owner on the subtleties of badger poo rolling. But this morning, first mug of tea finished, he put his boots on. I thought we may be in for an early walk and then go out somewhere, that's what normally happens when he puts his boots on before his second mug of tea on a Sunday. But without so much as a bye or leave and without putting his trusty tatty Barbour on, he shuffles off through the misty morning field without me! Its now been raining for over an hour and I still haven't seen him come back. His behaviour has worried me more than a little of late and this even more so!
My confrontation with Blue Van Man & Tall Trailer Hosepipe Hoomun
Well I think I made some significant progress today. There I was shuffling back up to the office after lunch, actually it was The Owner who was doing the shuffling, I was flitting energetically from sniff to sniff. Back at the office The Owner was brewing for another shouting match with the computer screen and the water cooler which he seems to think may have sprung a leak, so I guess there then follows at some point a shouting match with Lady Water Cooler Office Girl, but that may yet happen another day. In order to get away from the noise I took myself off for a quick patrol and particularly to keep an eye on the pond. Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! Behind me, yes behind me was the blue van, with a man hole cover up and a hose pipe in it and two men doing things! Well this needed further investigation so I went closer but they saw me. I think they were trying to divert my attention when Tall Hosepipe Trailer Hoomun gave me a Bonio. Well of course I had to accept but I kept a very watchful eye on them. It appeared to me they were putting water in the manhole but it didn't get very full and I checked the pond later and it did appear to be empty again. This detective lark is quite complicated, I think I may have to go back to looking for dead badgers and deer. I can feel a headache coming on. Speaking of which I need to go and check on The Owner.
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