The Blue Van Man

Aha! Now I am getting the picture! The water level in the pond was down again this morning when out on patrol, but look what I found there! With that long hose thingy on his trailer he MUST be the one behind the disappearing water. I have yet to work out what it does, that hose trailer on the back of his big blue van but I am feeling quietly confident I have found the culprit. I am not sure what the significance is of his van being blue. The Owner has a somewhat disparaging opinion of white vans generally and shouts at them a lot. That is until the White Van Man gets out of his van and walks back to speak with The Owner and it is at that point that The Owner starts looking behind him and tutting loudly. I need to find out if he has an opinion on Blue Van Man but I am beginning to suspect that when I unveil him as the water thief, the whole village will have an opinion on the matter. I will keep you informed!

Nieces Visit

The Owner's Niece came to see us yesterday, not sure how she managed it, she came up from the south and arrived from the north end of the village! So Niece brought this funny Black Little Girl Dog with her and I just couldn't work her out at all.

I took Black Little Girl Dog for a walk around the farm, to show her some of the things she may have found interesting, like badger poo and stuff like that and was she interested in it? No not a bit! I took her up the hill to my big black bath and showed her how to get in and how to splash around and stuff like that and particularly how to get The Owner very wet when you leap out again - not interested! I thought she may have been interested in a bit of cow poo rolling. No, not interested! However she did rather like eating the cow poo which Niece was particularly disgusted with and I thought may have been sick, not tried that myself though. I think she may need a bit more instruction yet in the art of being a Labrador.

The Hussey

My goodness! We've had days of rain and I have been getting quite wet sat in the hedge guarding the pond, waiting for Tanker Driver to return. Then this morning, on our journey in to work (I call it a journey, but for The Owner it is really more of a shuffle) there it was! In the bottom of the pond! A foot of water! I feel I should have heard from the boot room if Tanker Driver had been during the night. Maybe I just slept too soundly? I will try to keep my ear to the ground and listen better tonight. Earlier this afternoon whilst The Owner was shouting at his computer screen about the England cricket teams shortcomings all was otherwise quiet. When without warning and giving the impression of a whirlwind, The Hussey launched herself through the door at me. The bitch is possessed! She came through the door and jumped on me, flinging her every womanly wile upon my person. The Owner jumped to my rescue in his biggest display of activity all day (he will have to go and have a lie down now) and tried his best to protect me. Keeper came flying through the door as well and grabbed The Hussey and dragged her from me. It was all very messy for a while and I now have a soggy ear. It just ruins my coiffure!

There's Water in The Pond

It was only moments after five this morning when he came grumbling down the stairs. How do I know this? Coz HE has to have the old grandfather clock boing boinging all night long "To add a sense of time to the cottage". He has a nice little digital clock on the cooker that adds all the sense of time you need to the cottage and it does so quietly!

HE can't hear it from his bedroom, however this piece of torture equipment is right outside the boot room door. Tick tock tick tock boing boing! I have already planned to wee up it enough to cause it to rot and then fall over. A bit long term I know but you have to be a bit subtle sometimes. Anyway, he grumbles around the kitchen and makes a cup of tea and then goes for the next stage in his morning ritual of shouting at the telly whilst watching BBC Breakfast News, except its too early even for them, so he falls asleep. Well that made good use of the early start then didn't it! When he did eventually wake up again he spent far too long getting ready, all I do is a quick shake and wipe my ears with my paws and we're ready to face the world. After more rain last night and yesterday there are so many posts to wee up as you would imagine. I was having to pace myself for fear of running out before we got to the office. As we passed the pond I noticed that someone had thrown a bottle in during the night and I marked that down for exploring later in the day and carried on. I was half way towards the farm when it suddenly dawned on me, it was floating! The bottle was floating! There was water back in the pond! There was room for more, agreed, but I think Tanker Driver must have come back in the night and put some back. I frankly don't believe all that nonsense from The Owner about tables made of water, it was definitely Tanker Driver and I shall be hiding in the hedge today and watching for him to return with more water. I will keep you informed!

Abandoned on the Cricket Pitch

Yesterday, as previously reported the weather was good here and The Owner took some cans of beer and after the suggestion of a hoomun friend of his grabbed one of the picnic chairs left after a barbecue at the cottage in preference to him sitting on the floor and fidgeting through the entire match.

Armed with his new best friend, the picnic chair, and a pack of Fosters, he deposited himself just outside the boundary under the tree to watch the match. It was not long before these early mornings he has been inflicting on himself and me started to take their toll as his eyes became as heavy as his beer can, which he dropped as he fell asleep. It was a good match with plenty of boundary shots and other stuff and I had learned my lesson from previous matches and despite the fact that I think the home team really needed my help I refused to pick up the ball and take it back to the bowler for them. To be honest, The Owner saw none of it after slumber overtook him completely. They finished their game and The Owner was still sat in his picnic chair, under the tree, sound asleep surrounded by the foam from his fallen can of beer. They packed up the wicket and cleared all the boundary markers and The Owner was still sat in his chair asleep! So they all laughed loudly as they jumped in their cars and rushed off up to the pub to celebrate another sound defeat and left The Owner still in his chair and still very much asleep. Well that left me with a dilemma, should I go with them up to the pub and try and scrounge a morsel from an empty crisp packet or two, should I stay loyally by his side and run the risk of copping the flack when he wakes up with a stiff neck and is looking for someone to blame, or should I go home and see if I can sort myself out some tea? I opted for the tea at home but after an hour and the clouds were beginning to gather on the horizon I thought I ought really to go and check on him. Anxious not to get too much flack I sat by the gate into the field and waited. The gathering clouds having gathered and were now looking for someone to dump their contents upon, settled upon The Owner and dumped in some style. He eventually came round and realised that the rain was near monsoon levels so shuffled off home grumbling, dragging his chair and beer cans behind him. The good thing was he then fed me! Two meals in one night! Result!

The Water Table

Forgive the slight blur on my picture but I thought it leant itself to a better image of frantic action, which there was! I was becoming a bit concerned about the continued lack of water in the pond and particularly after listening to The Owner the other night so I felt a more thorough search of the pond for the leak was in order. One evening last week The Owner was looking out of the window, glad that the rain was providing a further excuse not to get out and cut the lawns, when he sighed as he poured himself another very large sherry and said, "Well at least it will lift the water table enough to help the ponds!". Now I've sat and thought about that and I've snoozed whilst contemplating that, but try as I might I cannot get my head around it. How on earth do you build a table out of water?!?!? And how will that help the pond?!?!?!? And how do you lift a table made only of water???!?!? I think I need to select a particularly succulent Bonio and take to my bed for another nap whilst I consider this further. Still haven't found the leak in the pond though.

The Hussy comes to Visit

The other night, just before we went home for my tea, The Keeper from the farm, who is my mate, arrived to go and do his evening patrol of the farm. No need for him to do it as well, I do enough patrolling for the both of us but he seems to need to feel he's doing something constructive. On this occasion he had brought his little spaniel bitch who smelled particularly gooooood! Well, god forbid! The bitch was all over me! The Owner had to drag her off me!!!!! I kinda wished he didn't but you know how these owners get sometimes. So he took her back and put her in Keepers car and then had to drag me home. Man, did he grumble that night. I just wanted to go back and see if she was still up there looking for me! The following morning, when it was time for work, now I know what you're going to say, "let him open the door first", but I was so keen to get down to the farm and wait to see if the hussy turned up again that I ran straight into the front door as soon as The Owner put his hand on the latch to open it. I did have to stagger a bit whilst I regained my composure before I was ready to meet the world. Of course The Owner had no sympathy, he kept going around with his finger pressed against his nose and laughing at me. I think he looked like a camel! I spent the rest of the day watching in case she came back to see me. My friend Keeper is not so much my friend now, he turned up to patrol the farm the following night without her! Well he can patrol his own farm himself without my assistance from now on, I think he walks like a camel too!

Stairway to heaven.

It wasn't raining when we went in!

Badger!

First thing this morning The Owner did his usual routine. Come down the stairs (grumbling to himself) put the kettle on, (still grumbling) put the tea in the pot (more grumbling), let me out and then feed me (lots more grumbling, this time about the price of dog food) and then whilst I go up the garden he shuffles off to put the telly on and grumble at the BBC news team.

This morning it was still stuck on CBBC so there was a lot of grumbling going on. I went up the garden as normal and imagine my surprise and pleasure when I came to realise that a badger had left a dollop of poo especially for me in my garden! So I rolled in it, all down one side and went rushing in to show The Owner, he didn't seem at all impressed as when I came in he ruffled the fur on my shoulder and got it all over his hand. Well he wasn't supposed to do that!!!! He sent me outside after that and I had to walk downwind of him to the office. When we got there I had to sit outside whilst he did his computer stuff and had a cup of tea, I felt sure he had the hosepipe in his mind for me! Postman is on holiday so we have Relief Postman this week. To be fair, I didn't see him come up the track so hadn't time to prepare a suitable repost. Suddenly there he was and made a big fuss of me. He was far too polite to say anything but I don't think he was too impressed with the badger poo that was now all over his hands and as he retreated down the track he was seen to be looking at his hand and then trying to wipe it on his trousers. I was set about by The Owner with the hose pipe soon after, I think he derives far too much pleasure from that hosepipe and the yard broom! Later in the day The Owner's mate came in for a coffee and was complaining about how the post today had a very strange smell about it and had we noticed. I felt it was time to slip unnoticed out of the door and go on a quick patrol around the farm.

The Squidger's Demise

This morning was quite a sedate affair, nothing out of the ordinary. I got fed, then let out up the garden for a quick patrol of the perimeter and then back in doors where The Owner had made himself a cup of tea. I did my quick little dance to see if I could elicit a dish of sweet tea for myself but to no avail as The Owner grumbled off to the living room and sat down.

He picked up the TV remote which rather childishly refers to as "The Squidger" (see, I was right, it isn't a word! The spell checker doesn't like it.) and switched on the TV to watch the BBC Breakfast News. Normal behaviour is to grumble at the presenters about "poor diction" or "slovenly standards" and to shout angrily at any politician who feels brave enough to show their faces on the screen and this morning was no exception. He even became extremely animated when "That Slime Ball Peter Mandelson" appeared on the screen. The morning was normal! The he said those words which have great significance, "Ah Well"! Now that can mean any of many different things and the skill comes in working out which and therefore an appropriate course of action from me. This morning the Ah Well I took to me mean he was going to get ready for work which was a cause for great excitement as it had been raining over night and there was much weeing up posts to be done, so I jumped up and ran across to where he was sitting and put my paws on the edge of the seat. Unfortunately that was where "The Squidger" was and I managed to change channels as I knocked it off the seat. That was a mere inconvenience but it was the plop that followed which caused the problem as it dropped into his mug of tea. The Squidger seems unable or unwilling to do anything now and he is stuck on the CBBC channel until we can go and get a new one. I get the feeling that Sponge Bob Square Pants is not going to cut it for this evenings entertainment. I may opt for the spot behind the barbecue for snoozing this evening. Is it due to rain?

Another Early Morning

He, The Owner, is beginning to worry me. This morning when it was barely light he comes grumbling down the stairs and starts clattering around the kitchen trying to put the kettle on. Eventually he has to give in and put the lights on and the earlier he does that the less pain he inflicts upon himself and the better my day will then turn out to be.

Its not the kitchen light that worries me but why is he getting up so early? Toast toasted and tea made and poured into the cup this time and not over the toast,he then starts grumbling coz Reg the Paper Boy hasn't been yet with his papers. I am on best behaviour where Reg the Paper Boy is concerned after the last incident. The Owner was presented with a laundry bill and told in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't deliver any more if I acted up again. Eventually Reg turns up with the paper and after a brief conversation about the mornings being the best part of the day The Owner made himself another cup of tea and settled down to read his paper. I don't think he had got through the headlines on the font page before his eyelids where starting to become a little heavy. I curled up on the far side of the room out of the way because I knew what would happen. Within a few minutes his hand went momentarily limp as he slipped into sleep. I say momentarily because that was the hand he had his tea in and when the hot tea spilled over his lap it suddenly wasn't very limp at all. Not yet seven in the morning and already he is on his second change of clothes! Even though I was on the other side of the room he still gave me half an accusing stare. I just hope he learnt his lesson the last time and doesn't put the cushion cover in with his trousers again. Although I liked the pinkish orange colour his trousers came out! It's now eight o clock and he's already asleep again and snoring loudly. I think I'll take myself for a walk this morning. It could be another very long day!

Dunking Your Toast

We got of to a bad start this morning. The Owner came banging down the stairs first thing and put the kettle on and then let me in the house. He fed me and then set about making himself some toast and put lots of butter on it. So far it had gone well! Then he went to pour the tea into his cup, picked up the pot in one hand and the tea strainer in the other.

I couldn't help but think that he may have been better off putting both of those things over the cup but instead started to pour the tea over his toast. It took him several seconds to realise what I thought was a very obvious mistake! There then followed several minutes of cursing and swearing and very noisy cutting of more bread. The toaster which can be very temperamental clearly had recognised the gravity of the situation and co-operated when the bread was put in and the buttons were pressed. Once the toast was made for the second time and the tea poured, into the cup this time, The Owner shuffled off up stairs with it to bed again. Perhaps hoping it would be better starting the day again. I went outside for a quick patrol and discovered it was raining very hard, puddles everywhere! After a while I thought I ought really to try and bring a smile to his face after such a bad start to the day so, even though I am not allowed to, I went upstairs on my return to the cottage and clambered up on to his bed to let him have a cuddle. I thought that was one way to make him feel a bit better. He didn't seem to appreciate the trouble I went to and complained very loudly about muddy paws and wet fur. In fact there was nearly as much swearing as there was when he poured the tea in the wrong place. You just can't help some people can you? I think I will leave him to it.

The Owner's Evening Visitor

Last night The Owner had a Lady Hoomun come to see him. I've seen her before in some of the groups of his friends but he told me that this was a "Private matter". When she turned up I did my best to make her feel welcome by rolling on my back and doing the silly run, out round the tree and back and other stuff like that.

The Owner made them both a mug of tea and they sat down. Well this was normally my time for a fuss so I rolled over The Owners lap and stuffed my nose under his hand to try and attract his attention. So The Owner shut me in the dining room. It was obviously a misunderstanding so I went through the kitchen and stuffed my nose on the back door of the boot room and went outside and round the cottage and in the front door and back to where The Owner was sat. It seems that it wasn't a misunderstanding as I was promptly put back in the dining room and both doors were shut this time. Harumph! After a while The Owner came in to make another pot of tea and so let me go up the garden, he had obviously forgiven me I felt, so I went quickly up to the woods (because I needed to, alright?!) and then came running back down, across the patio, through the boot room, through the kitchen, through the dining room, down the hall way building speed all the way and then did my silly run twice round the living room carpet. I thought that would make him smile a bit! I did notice he looked quite peeved so I went faster. It would seem that the cards and paper across the living room carpet didn't require muddy pawprints, or reshuffling, and were apparently quite important. Neither did the two tea mugs require knocking over. Lady Hoomun left soon afterwards, I guess, although it is a little difficult to hear properly what is going on in the rest of the house when you're shut in the boot room.

The Cow with a Calf

It is raining here ever so hard and apart from The Owner getting very wet on the way home for lunch because he didn't believe the forecast and didn't take a jacket with him to work this morning, I actually quite like the rain. You understand that my concern about The Owner's well being is only borne from the knowledge that he will get wet, then cold and then grumpy. The down side of all the rain and stuff is that all y efforts at weeing up post, trees and other bits and bobs all get undone as it gets washed away. So on the way home I nearly ran out of wee and only just managed to find enough to do the tree on the front path to the cottage. It was a bit of a struggle! On the walk back despite the fact that it is still raining and everything had been washed away again I was unable to repair the damage and so at the moment my territory is largely unprotected. This leaves me feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. So the walk back to work was a more straightforward process than I would normally have done; until I got to the paddock by the old barn! Can we have a few dramatic chords at this point? In the paddock is a cow with two young calves, only a few days old, so I wandered up the grass bank for a closer look at mother and child. Then I saw it! What on earth is going on here? Is this right?

The Garden Gate

Tonight, by the time we got home from the office, you'll be pleased to know I am sure, I was feeling a lot better after my hangover. When we got in The Owner fed me and I went up the garden to the woods at the top to do what dogs do best in the woods after feeding. Ever mindful of my little "Ooops!" yesterday I made a very cautious return to the cottage taking particular care when passing the patio table. Things were going well I thought. After a while The Owner decided it was time for my evening constitutional across the fields and I was REALLY excited after having done very little all day but feel sorry for myself. We got to the front gate and The Owner opened the latch. Now I know the gate opens inwards but I forgot myself and burst forth and now the gate opens outwards. Well it doesn't really open either way now, it just sort of lays on the floor, propped up on one edge. Does anyone have any gate hinges they don't want?

I've Got a Hangover!

You may recall how yesterday I was doused in a bottle of what The Owner described as 'the finest of wines' and I was left in the boot room to clean myself up a little. Well this morning I still have a pretty pink patch on my back and side and to cap it all I have a bad headache and I don't feel well! Is this what you hoomuns have to go through after you've drunk some of this stuff? Can't imagine what would have made anyone think this was the result of a good night out. I feel grumpy as well so heaven help Postman when he arrives, I may have an opinion on the matter!

The Large Wine Glass

We've been out for most of the day, The Owner took me to a car boot sale this morning. Not sure why as he already has a boot on his car which looks perfectly good to me, but I went along with it. He went from stall to stall arguing with all of them about whether or not he could buy it cheaper, new, at the supermarket.

I made a little mistake early on in the day by weeing up the first post I came across. Well I was bursting! I didn't know it was an antique hat stand, whatever one of them is! We had to scuttle on down a few stalls quick to get away from some people who were just a little less than amused by my efforts and watched us for quite a while with their hands on their hips. A bit unnecessary I thought! All was not lost though as we found a burger van, it was not the Hoomun Lady Burgervan Owner that I know but she was ok as she gave me a sausage when The Owner wasn't looking. He seemed particularly pleased when he found a wine glass, which he told anyone who was daft enough to listen, was built to hold a whole bottle. On the way home we stopped in Tesco Shop and he bought a bottle of wine. Now usually he has a couple of empty bottles at home with expensive labels on that he fills from a plastic bottle that costs no more than £2.99 and then takes it out to his guests and lets them watch him pour it into his decanter. But, today he bought one that was worth lots of money, more than a whole months supply of Bonio's. When we got back we went and watched the cricket over the way and then came back and he started to prepare some mouldy cheeses and some slices of mouldy sausage (yuk, not touching them myself!). He fed me and I went off up the garden to the woods at the top to do what doggies do best after a meal and then came rushing back down the garden feeling relieved and well pleased with my efforts, round the corner and straight into the table he'd put out. His expensive wine, in his new glass, was on the table........... and is now all over my back! I am now in the boot room, with the door shut! He is indoors somewhere drinking more of his cheap plonk from his cheap glasses. Don't think I will be getting a Bonio tonight somehow.

The Village Fete

The Owner arrived back from the supermarket in town clutching a little packet of something which he threw in the washing machine, along with his pink shirt and trousers and one or two other bits he'd turned pink as well. Then he opened the door again and checked through it all for anything that may have been a colour other than white then closed the door again.

He looked at it for a while, holding his chin, and then opened the door and checked for a third time, just in case. With the washing machine gently whirring in the corner the phone rang, it was Tesco, ringing to say they were sorry for their driver being late getting to him and she could be another half an hour. About half way through I saw a light bulb come on as he suddenly remembered the delivery, so he made much of how he had "been waiting in all morning for her to turn up" and "is this the way they treat their customers" etc.. Tesco Driver Lady Yoof turned up and was severely 'tutted' at for his inconvenience and immediately forgiven when she knocked his delivery charge off the bill. We went to the village fete this afternoon and he refused to take his blazer off because of a very pink shirt, even though it was too hot. The Hoomun Lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle from a hundred yards was having a big argument over what was the correct filling for a Victoria sponge with the two old sisters from the Old Rectory, so that hadn't changed since last year, they were arguing about it then! Vic R. was there with his family and I still cannot work out what Vic's surname was. The Owner was joking with him about his dog collar but my one is not white like that. I went and sat behind the burger van hopeful of a morsel or two and was not disappointed and even more so when the two sisters and the lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle etc. worked their argument up to such a pitch that they were throwing cakes at each other. I of course volunteered to clean up after them. Oh the tranquillity of village life!

The Small Boy visits with Strange Woman

Last weekend Small Boy came and spent the weekend with us and he brought his mother who I think is called Strange Woman. At least that's what The Owner keeps calling her. The woman was a whirling dervish! If it wasn't screwed down then it was put in the dishwasher or washing machine, if it was screwed down or too big for her to lift then it was hoovered and polished!

She was getting far too close to some of my toys for my liking so I took my favourite little red dragon soft toy and hid it upstairs where I'm not supposed to go. This morning it has resurfaced! It is the morning of The Village Church Fete when traditionally old ladies draw battle lines over a Victoria sponge and The Owner likes to wear his special Village Church Fete white shirt and cream coloured trousers with his blazer. So he gets them and washes them for the occasion. You're ahead of me here aren't you? My little red dragon is a pale imitation of its original self and The Owners shirt and trousers have a distinct pink tinge to them. Fortunately Strange Woman seems to have got the blame! He's jumped into the car and rushed off to town to get something to remove the colour which in itself is going to cause further problems as the Tesco Driver Hoomun Yoof is due any minute and after last weeks shouting match over the missing Bonio box (Tee hee, got away with that!) I don't think he will be feeling much like waiting at the gate for The Owner's return. The day could worsen yet as he will be looking for his funny straw hat later and I know that is behind the tumble dryer in the boot room, half chewed and full of fluff and cobwebs. I'll keep you posted.

Oh Lordy, I am in so much trouble this afternoon! The Owner was sat at his desk absent mindedly munching on a sandwich. There was me wishing his leg would fall off or something as he hadn't given me a Bonio whilst he was eating. He says it ensures I understand who is boss if I eat after him. Huh! I know who is boss!

Well a car pulled up outside and then it all went quiet again. The door burst open and a man dressed completely in black burst through the door! Well I was terrified and The Owner didn't seem to be any happier than I was, so I felt it my duty to protect him and leapt over the desk with a lot to say on the matter. Well the man in black fell to the floor whimpering so I felt I had made my point. I think his name was Vic R. but I didn't quite catch his last name. The Owner picked Vic up off the floor and sat him on a seat and all Vic kept saying was "Oh Lord Bless me!" and "Oh my goodness!". The Owner gave me a particularly hard stare and made Vic one of his special coffee's that he only has once a day. Then Vic asked for another coffee and then another, which I felt was starting to make mountains out of what was only a little woof. After a while and when Vics hands seemed to be shaking quite badly (and I know this coz it took three attempts to get his keys in the car door) Vic was on his way. The Owner said I was going to hell for that one. Didn't quite understand what he meant by that and I am not sure where Hell is, perhaps its near Swindon somewhere, by the way he spoke about it I don't think it was going to be a very nice place so it probably is near Swindon. Either way I think I'll go up to the calf sheds for the afternoon, just in case!

Maybe I'll Visit The Badgers

Walking to work yesterday morning The Owner was keeping a very cautious eye on those cows still, I don't think he is quite convinced about Hoomun Lady Gardener being behind them talking to him yet. Whilst he was trying to get them to answer him again with more of his intellectually stimulating repartee I went and had a quick check in the pond.

There was water in it!!!! But when we went home again later it was gone again. I am sure Hoomun Tanker Driver is behind it somehow, I'm just not sure how he is doing it. One thing is certain, I am not going to get near him again when he has that big hose with him. I can still smell it on my fur from the last time. Maybe if I go and have a roll around up near the badgers set that may be enough to mask the smell a little.

Talking Cows!?!?!

We had a gentle wander in to work this morning, out of the gate, down past the cricket pitch and past The Manor where I always stop to wee up the wall. I consider it a small statement for the workers against the capitalist elite.

In the paddock the other side of The Manor is a small field where are kept a couple of dry cows, not sure what a dry cow is as they look no different to the rest, but that's what The Owner says they are. They were stood by the railing fence this morning, waiting for us and so The Owner said "Morning Mrs Cows", as we walked past. "And Good morning to you!" came the response! The air of surprise was quite palpable at that moment as it dawned on us both that cows don't speak! They say also that dogs can't type but I, of course, have proved that wrong. So was this another of those watershed moments in the history of animal communication skills and another step further into the strange and surreal world of The Owner? With almost a tremor in his voice he stepped tentatively up to the fence and asked "Are you well this morning?". Ordinarily I pour scorn on his chat up routine and he usually gets me to break the ice with his Lady Hoomun Friends, but to be fair, what do you say next to a cow in a field that has just wished you a good morning!? "Very well thank you, and you?" came the response. The Owner was suddenly looking very peaky, with an ashen looking face and a rapidly developing stammer. "Um, not too bad - under the circumstances", came his rather feeble reply. I was feeling non the more confident about the developing scene, so I stood behind his legs and peered tentatively around the side of him. "Don't you think the dahlias are extraordinary this year?" came a further show of intelligent banter from the cow. But with that the rather jolly figure of the Lady Hoomun Gardner from The Manor popped up from behind the stone wall behind the cows. Somewhat relieved and yet taken aback by the turn of events, all The Owner could manage was a rather feeble "Quite so!" as he turned and shuffled off further in the direction of the office. When he got here he fell into his comfy chair and poured himself a very strong coffee and has been silent ever since! I didn't even get e Bonio!!!!

The Incident of the Smelly Hosepipe.

I have been regarding The Owner with a particularly suspicious eye today after 'Mo the Wise' suggested the smell from the man hole where I think the lorry may be stealing the pond water from may be significant. He was clearly not wanting to arouse my suspicions that he may be behind it as he pretended to be busy at the computer all morning. When his Hoomun friend turned up for coffee I let myself out and went and sat in wait for the lorry to come back for another load of pond water that I suspect he may be hiding down the manhole. I didn't have to wait long before the lorry tanker turned up to steal another load of water and Tanker Driver busied himself with his very large hose down the manhole. I crept forward very stealthily through the bushes and waited for my moment. It smelled far worse than The Owner could possibly have managed so I suspect he may not be behind it after all. Just as Tanker Driver was pulling his hose out of the man hole I leapt, defence of my village and its pond was my only motive, with a loud bark I broke cover. Tanker Driver swung around in a sort of terror and I got covered with the contents of his pipe. Oh the smell!!! Yuk and phew just doesn't cover it. I spent an hour laying in the cattle trough to try and wash away the smell. Now, I still smell and the cattle won't go near the trough. The Owner is going to wash me down with the hose pipe next and for the first time ever I am looking forward to it! I think that may not be the pond water down there after all!

The Tanker

I think I may be on to something here. I was out this morning on a short patrol around the farm. Well really I was just trying to keep out the way because the water cooler man called this morning to the office and he surprised me as I didn't hear him drive up the track. The Postman a bit later in the morning had a piece of my mind and all in all The Owner didn't seem too pleased with me so I opted instead for a quick trip around the fields. I was just having another quick sniff around the pond looking for the water when what pulled up but this thing. I can't think that he was up to any good so I hid in the hedge and watched for the rest of the morning. He's been back twice since and drags this great big pipe out and puts it under the manhole cover. Not sure what's going on down there but it can't be any good. I'll keep you informed!