The Bean Bags Arrived

Well what a fun weekend we have had! And The Owner is still clearing it up and I suspect he will be for some time to come to be honest. And for once, you will be pleased to hear (well, I was anyway) that there is no way that even in the Owners slightly twisted version of reality, I can be held accountable for what happened.

On Saturday two large boxes arrived with Parcel Force Hoomun which seemed to inspire a great deal of unrest in The Owner. The kind of unrest which implies that there are things inside these boxes which require assembly and he hasn't got the necessary tools, or batteries, or help. After an age of fidgeting and general restlessness he opened the boxes and from inside one emerged a big leather bag. A really big leather bag! And from the other a really big plastic sack full of little white polystyrene bits. Together they made The Owners new super super king sized bean bag! There then followed a pathetic wander up and down through the village as The Owner went in search of help to put the polystyrene bubbles into the leather bag. It is amazing how many people in one village are just leaving to go shopping, or about to leave to go and see an ageing aunt or just wouldn't open the door. One was brave enough to offer help the following day, although I suspect it was more out of a certain knowledge that The Owner would never be able to wait that long and would probably have found a way before then. So we wandered back home again with The Owner muttering to himself. After a cup of coffee and a doughnut the frustration became too much and he had to have a go. Now I have looked on Youtube and there are little videos on how to do this and it all looks very simple and stress free when there are two of you. But The Owner won't look for these videos until after he is completely in a mess. First mistake! Do not kneel on the plastic bag with the polystyrene bubbles in. They burst! Second mistake. Do not try and scoop them out of the plastic bag and tip them into the leather bag with your hand. They don't all get into the leather bag as you would have hoped. After half an hour the living room looked like a snow scene in Harrods Christmas shop window and his new bean bag looks remarkably devoid of "beans". Whilst he was outside seeking inspiration from his tool shed I made the most of what was presented to me and did a small amount of demented badger running round and around the living room. But by the time he returned all the polystyrene bubbles had landed on the carpet again so he was none the wiser of my little burst of activity so all was well.

He is now on the phone to Bean Bag Supplier Hoomun trying to convince him that the bag of "beans" was not filled with as many as he had been led to believe from the pictures. However I suspect that Bean Bag Supplier Hoomun has heard that one a few times before and was having none of it. I get the feeling that the ruddy Dyson will get dragged from its lair and put to good use in rounding up the errant bubbles. It could be a long day yet!

Devil Dog Eyes

Yesterday The Owner borrowed a posh car. I have no idea whose car it was but it was a very posh one. When he opened the back door to let me in to it he was waving a very cautionary finger at me saying "Now YOU had better behave yourself in there!" in tones that gave you the feeling that it would be a very foolish K9 indeed who did anything experimental in it. Then came the list; "No burping, farting, following through, weeing, dropping hair or licking windows! Ok?!?!?" Well there was more to the list to be honest but I stopped listening at that point. It ended only when he ran out of breath and then took in a sharp intake of breath and finished with "And breathing on the windows!". Well what was left to do??? I sat down very carefully on the shiny leather seats as I tried to memorise the list as we started our journey. Well I kept perfectly still trying not to do anything that I had been warned about as we drove up through the village and The Owner did his best to make sure that as many people as possible saw him driving this very posh car. I also noticed that this very posh car was also very quick and liked to let everyone know about it too! When we got to the bend at the far end of the village The Owner threw this very posh car round the corner with a deft flick of the steering wheel. Well I did check but I am glad to report that leaving claw marks right across the leather seats was not in the list of things I was not allowed to do. Although I am suspecting that may just have been an omission on The Owners part as when we got to the end of our journey, which was at Diesel Dog Daughter's house, and The Owner opened the door to let me out, he did groan rather a lot. Well I am not the one who was throwing this very posh car around like one of the very fast and very noisy cars that race right back the where they started from. Only we didn't, obviously, as we were at Diesel Dog Daughters now so we had got somewhere. With the front door opened just a crack a blur of brown fur shot through to commence the usual round of demented badger running until The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter managed to corral Diesel Dog and usher him into the back garden. Diesel Dog Daughter has bought herself a rabbit it would seem, which I noticed straight away. I thought it was nice of her as it can sometimes get a bit boring bringing back the same green canvas dummy throw. It will be nice to have a bit of live stuff to retrieve I thought. Well, we didn't get that far! Rabbit moved in his hutch! Diesel Dog was spooked! And shot back indoors at an alarming pace! Well I think the door frame may be needing some of The Owners special duct tape soon. I wandered back in through the open back door, mainly because it is now incapable of closing again after Diesel Dog went through it, and found Diesel Dog hiding behind the Christmas Tree. There was something very strange about his eyes for the rest of the evening as he peered out from behind the tree checking that the big nasty rabbit wasn't coming to get him. Today The Owner is outside with a tin of shoe polish trying to get the claw marks out of the leather seats only by now he has had time to forget that it was his fault for throwing the car around a bit too much last night and he is now frowning in my direction very loudly. I think I may have a chomp on some of the biscuits that were left in doors for me over night last night instead. Just until he has forgotten about the claw marks or he has remembered who caused them. Whichever comes the soonest.

The Pond is Full!!

Those of a UK West Country disposition may have noticed that yesterday was a trifle inclement. So inclement in fact, that the stream was running well, Dingly Dell was awash and the pond was full too! For that matter, the road had also become part of the pond, the ditches and the stream too! So inclement was it that a quick dash out to the mail box on the wall by the front door to retrieve letters caused a great deal of grumbling from The Owner, to about 7 on the Richter scale.... and a change of clothes. The Owner spent much of the morning looking out of the window at the gloomy scene and sighing a lot. Such was the nature of our morning here at the cottage. After a copious lunch for The Owner of several rounds of sandwiches containing, variously, ham, chicken, bacon and cheese, justified as "using up all the odds and ends" with just the one cherry tomato as a nod towards healthy living, Owners Mate Hoomun arrived. Had I mentioned that although The Owner enjoyed a feast worthy of a Tudor King in the name of using up the odds and ends, I had just the one broken Bonio and a half chewed Markie that Mouse had missed?

After much discussion between The Owner and Owner's Mate Hoomun, The Owner announced that "We'd better let Jack out to do what's good for him before we let him in your car!" I wasn't sure I liked the inferences there! Nevertheless, off I went trying my best to avoid raindrops and puddles to do "What's best for me!", It was then I happened to notice that Dingly Dell was flowing nicely, so I chose to follow it and see where it went. Purely to understand better local topography and hydrology, you understand. It was then that I discovered exactly how full the pond was.After a while of splashing around in the pond, investigating, The Owner discovered exactly where I had gone. How do hoomuns just KNOW these things????

I also discovered the true correlation between between being up to your neck in trouble and up to your neck in the pond and it was not pleasant I have to report!

The Owner then found every reason imaginable why I would not be allowed to get in  Owners Mates car and quite a few you couldn't imagine too! So I was banished from Owner's Mate's car and left at home in the cottage whilst they went shopping. He seems to have drawn some ill conceived conclusions too by connecting the soggy cushions on his sofa and my apparent dryness when they returned. Hoomuns! Pah!

Digging Up His Old Potatoes

Yesterday evening was a bit stormy here as we walked home. There were little rivers of water running past the studio door when we left. It was dark already and I sometimes wonder about The Owner... well ok, so I, along with half the population of Wiltshire wonder about The Owner (the other half have clearly not met him yet). He turned off the heating in the studio and then the lighting and THEN fumbles for his keys. Then came the start of a downward spiral of the journey home, first foot out of the door went straight into the river running past. There was much mumbling about wet feet and stuff as we started our journey home. I swear that on such journeys he closes his eyes or switches them off or something. Can hoomuns switch their eyes off? As we neared the edge of the road at the end of the farm track, a journey of all of ten yards, he encountered the first obstacle. The farm wheelie bin had taken to laying on its side across the track, either that or it was blown over by the wind. The Owner clearly still had his eyes switched off as he fell straight over the top of it! A sorry picture he made, sat in the middle of the track with the little river running either side of him and the lid on the wheelie bin at such an angle I felt sure it was laughing at him.. The journey home was little better with two cars driving through the puddle right in front of him. I don't mind them doing it to him but they got to me too and I was beginning to have a certain amount of sympathy with him to be honest. I kept a respectful distance until we got to our front gate when I decided a quick hop across the ditch, up the side of the hedge and a nimble jump across the stream and onto the lawn would be best. Well, as we approached the gate I noticed that the four wheelie bins from the cottage and our neighbours had also had a bit of a falling out with the wind, or perhaps just fell over. Which The Owner did too because he still had his eyes turned off. By the time The Owner had extricated himself from the tangle of bins by the gate I was already sat by the back door with the security light on for him. He arrived with water running from his trouser pockets, his Barbour jacket was proving just how waterproof it was by not letting the water, which had got in his pockets whilst he was sat in the puddles, back out. It did escape of course when he stuck his hand in his pockets to look for his keys and his phone. I think I have just invented the theory of displacement. I will spend my evening trying not to do anything to incur the wrath which was undoubtedly building inside him I thought.

By this morning the weather was feeling much better and appeared to be quite chipper. The sun was out and the garden was a scene of devastation. The tins from the recycles box were all across the path and the newspapers were stuck to everything like a coat of paper mache. With some poster paints we could have made a full scale model of the cottage! He was in a right old tizzy about it all and I thought he would cheer him up. But what to do? Then the plan hit upon me! When he went back in for his second cup of tea and presumably to get some more poster paints I went up the garden. I had seen him up there at the weekend burying a load of old potatoes. Now when I manage to bury stuff that I want, I am always so pleased when The Owner digs them up for me. So I dug them all up and took them back to the cottage and left them all by the back door. The Owner will be pleased, I thought. It may cheer him up a little when he comes out of the back out again. 

I think he may be sickening for something, he seemed to frown a great deal when he came out of the back door!

A KFC at The Beach.

Well, what a busy day I have had! Of course The Owner isn't talking to me but that is quite normal. He isn't speaking to Diesel Dog Daughter  either for drying Diesel Dog with  hair dryer after he had a bath. I am undecided at the moment as to whether I am speaking to Diesel Dog for appearing to enjoy the whole bath thing. The Owner was up and dressed remarkably early this morning, for a Saturday and was preparing a bag. Now I like it when he prepares a bag as it means we are going somewhere, and I like going somewhere. Unless it is to the other side of Swindon obviously. Well we started out on our journey and I was hopeful of a windscreen or two to lick and I was resolute that I would ignore The Owner having a bit of a hissy fit and moaning about having to clean them before he takes the car back. After quite a journey and when the only glass which hadn't had the benefits of the attentions of my tongue was The Owners door and his half of the windscreen and his door window, (I had been round the rest and my tongue now does feel a bit funny) we arrived at Diesel Dog Daughters. How did I know it was Diesel Dog Daughters house? Well there was a curtain in the front window which appeared to be having a lot to say about everything and when the front door opened a large brown fur ball came out at great speed and volume. It appeared to have a hoomun arm hanging on to it which after a while appeared to be connected in some way to Diesel  Dog Daughter as the furball careered around the garden doing his very best demented badger running. It was a damp and windy day down there so come lunch time The Owner announced that we were all going to go for a KFC down by the sea. Diesel Dog was starting to quieten down until he heard that  and then commenced phase two of the demented badger running around the living room carpet. The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter managed to corral Diesel Dog into the car which prompted much further excitement and at least proved one thing, which I thought impossible, can actually be done. Demented Badger Running in the boot of The Owners car by a dog the size of Diesel Dog is possible, although I still am at a loss as to how exactly. So off to the sea we went and by which time the damp had turned to rain. We parked the car outside the KFC shop which prompted more demented badger running in a confined space in the back. Diesel Dog Daughter managed to get The Owner back out of the shop without any arguments with the staff although I could see one brewing when The Owner started to complain about the contents of the box not looking anything like the pictures on the wall and as he was building the pace of his rant Diesel Dog Daughter grabbed the bag quick and swept him out of the door in a manner that he really wasn't aware of what happened until it was all too late and he was outside the door. I got the impression she had done that to him before! 

We arrived at the beach and found an empty carpark with just one other car in it which The Owner immediately started grumbling about. They weren't parked in a proper bay apparently! With the excitement building to a crescendo of cataclysmic proportions in the back the hoomuns opened the doors and let us do our own thing along the small beach and around the car park. Which was predictably at high octane levels. Into the sea, along the beach, roll in the sand, into the sea again, more rolling in the sand. You get the picture. I was getting worn out at just watching him!! The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter were sat in the dry, stuffing their faces and neglecting to throw any scraps my way.

It was at that point that another car came in to the car park and stopped over the other side of the car park. It was a very posh car which seemed to have a lot of leather inside and kept its lights on all the time so it must have been important. Its two hoomuns got out and left their doors open and went round the back to make some tea on a little stove they had in the back. Diesel Dog took off for the car with the open doors and I followed at a more sedate pace to reflect my obvious breeding. A very wet and sandy GSD made it first and went straight in one door and out the other and was on his way through for the second time when I got there. He went straight out on his second time through, but I, being a bit more canny, sat down on the passenger seat and tried to shake some of the sand and sea water out of my coat and Diesel Dog stopped, briefly, to shake himself a little in the drivers seat before getting out again and wandering off back to The Owner's car. It was at this point that Posh Car Hoomun and Posh Car Lady Hoomun returned with their mugs of hot tea nd they seemed less than pleased to see me to be honest. 

The Owner was summoned and Diesel Dog and Diesel Dog Daughter hid behind his car and appeared to be laughing. The Owner, on the other hand, appeared not to be laughing as he was chastised soundly by Posh Car Hoomun and mumbled something about "I will stop it out of his pocket money." Well I don't get any pocket money!!!!

It was a quiet drive back to Diesel Dog Daughters house broken only by her stifled giggles. Even Diesel Dog seemed to understand the gravitas required for an occasion such as this when Jack Labrador GD (failed) is in the doo doo again. We are home now and I am anticipating a very quiet evening to be honest. But I still don't understand why that was all my fault??

The Annual Leaf Blower Ritual

The Owner has been busy! I know that happens rarely and in itself would be worthy of comment but he has been to the garden machine shop and emerged with several strange looking devices under his arm and Shop Yoof Hoomun pushing a strange machine on wheels. All were loaded in to the boot of the car and Shop Manager came out to wave us off. His words as we left struck a chord of knowing within me. "You'll let us know which leaf blower you want to buy when you have tried them?" The Owner responded with a cheery wave as we drove out and responded "I'll be in touch when I have tried them all!" We did this last year too as I remember it. Take half a dozen leaf blowers and charge around the garden in a frenzy and then take them all back and say you have changed your mind and none of them came up to scratch. He of course had a row with Shop Manager Hoomun on that occasion and so this year it is a different shop. There will now follow two days of frenetic activity in the autumn leave department. Of course, this now means heaps of leaves. And what do we do with heaps of leaves? We run through them!!!!! He gets very cross with me of course but I am afraid it is worth it. It is definitely worth it!!!! I just need to get that done before he gets to the big one on wheels as that seems to come with a big bag to blow them into. Oh how I love days like these. 

More Karma

After last nights little incident when The Owner was on his hands and knees behind the door I have done my best to behave in case he puts two and two together and works out my involvement in his misfortune. He finished his washing of the floor with what looked suspiciously like car wash and wax to me and our world settled down into our usual rhythm for the evening. This morning was one of those mornings when I was unusually desperate for a wee when he came grumbling down the stairs. Normally all that is required is a quick wee up the bush just outside the back door and a quick sidestep to avoid The Owner's shoe as he hurls it from the back door because he thinks I ought not to be weeing on a bush so close to the door. Then rush back indoors and bounce around a lot whilst he puts my food in my dish. This morning a little more was required and so I ventured a little further into the garden and had a proper wee. This unfortunately gave The Owner time to get bored waiting for my return and so he threw the contents of my measuring beaker into my food dish. My food dish, being stainless steel, has a certain ring about it when my dried food lands in it. This sound carries quite a way, so I could hear it up the garden where I was gainfully employed in weeing on the clothes prop. The excitement was building, but I couldn't stop in mid flow could I? So as soon as the pressure was relieved enough to be bearable I commenced my charge. Across the lawn... past the raspberry canes..... round the tree... easing off the accelerator enough to check that the back door was open this time and unencumbered by The Owner washing the floors and then full throttle for the back door. Yay! Through the door.... it was here where it all went horribly wrong for me. I was right in my assumption, it was car shampoo and wax he had been using on the floors last night. Waxed floors do not work well with K9 duvet beds and K9's at high speed! Well I missed my food dish as I went straight past it sliding on my duvet in a kind of Aladdinesque moment. The Owner seemed somewhat surprised too as he stood there putting some tea in the pot and caught sight of me whizzing past in a very undignified manner. I have noticed that when they do this kind of thing in the films it always looks very controlled and cool. However real life seems something of a bitch when it comes to looking cool as I slid behind the fridge and out of sight. The Owner was his usual epitome of sympathy and understanding and without looking up just said "While you're behind there Jack can you check for cobwebs?" I recovered my composure, removed the cobweb from my nose and made my way back to look for my breakfast. I will be in the new calf sheds if anyone want me!!!

Karma

I am loving this karma thing! I often work hard to achieve  just a little retribution for some of The Owners unkinder acts or comments and yet karma seems to do it for me and I don't get the blame! Well....... not as much as I could have done anyway. Today I have discovered that The Owner has been having a bit of a laugh at my expense all these years and I was a tad miffed to be honest. It seems that calling me Jack Labrador GD(failed) is not a mark of merit, but rather, one of The Owner's twisted jokes at my expense which I have unwittingly encouraged. I have spent the late afternoon wishing his leg would fall off as I plotted my revenge. We left the studio and wandered home relatively grumble free for The Owner. Just a few grumbles about potholes in the road, inconsiderate drivers, noisy tractors on the fields and the cost of turkey at Sainsbugs. Actually now I see it written down it was just a normal grumbly journey. As dinner was imminent I shelved my plans for retribution until later. When we got back to the cottage The Owner fed me which was nice and I had really forgotten about getting my own back as he opened the back door to let me go for a quick patrol of the perimeter. By the time I return normally he is busying himself lighting the fire so I was undeterred when the door was pushed a little bit shut. Although to be honest it is normally wide open to welcome me back in, but tonight I thought nothing of it as I hurtled onwards towards the partly closed door. At the last moment I launched with my front paws outstretched and hit the back door open..... although it didn't give way in quite the manner I had anticipated.  In fact, it barely gave way at all to be honest and I felt a fairly large bump on the other side of the door as it clearly had met an unmovable object........The Owner! Well how was I to know he had decided to wash the floors behind the door this evening. I mean, he isn't due to do that for another six months!! I returned to the garden for a while and by the time he picked himself up and looked out I was nowhere to be seen so he has blamed the wind for his misfortune which is fine by me. When I felt it safe to return he was on the phone to NHS Direct trying to get treatment for a "skull compression injury" that he hasn't got! I suspect he must be on a list of malingerers or something as she was having none of it from what I could make out, although he has threatened to take this up with "The highest possible authority". If I was his MP I would keep a low profile tomorrow. He tried Buckingham Palace the last time and was politely but firmly told that Her Majesty didn't do that sort of thing. Still, I think I may have got away with it.... for now. Karma rocks!!!

The Lab Reports

Coming soon to a letter box near you!!

Nearly finished it!!!!

The Power Shower

Well what a morning we have had at the new cottage! The Owner has been very industrious after a trip to B&Q. I like going to B&Q because there is a burger van there and Burger Van Hoomun always gives me a sausage when The Owner isn't looking. So we have developed a sort of routine, The Owner and I, for the use of, when going to B&Q. We get there and park the car, we both get out. We make our way towards the shop doors, (which I have got a little more used to now and am not quite so disturbed by them opening on their own) and I stop for a wee up one of the big posts at the front designed to stop little old ladies from ram raiding B&Q. Well thats what The Owner says they're for anyway and they must work as I have never seen any old lady, large or small, try and ram raid B&Q! Anyway, if I make a bit of a meal of it and spend ages weeing up the post The Owner loses patience and wanders in on his own and leaves me to follow when I have finished. As soon as he has gone inside I rush across to the burger van and sit and wait until a sausage is launched from the dark recesses from within the burgervan. Sausage chomped, I make my way into the shop to find The Owner. The good thing about this little ruse is that if The Owner is feeling peckish, which he often is, on the way out I get another sausage. But not today, I was barely into the shop when I saw The Owner come struggling up the aisle with a trolley with a very large box on it and loads of interesting looking things that I needed to have a sniff at. He managed to get through the checkouts without a shouting match with Manager Hoomun, mainly because Manager Hoomun went off on an important errand to the other end of the store when he saw The Owner approaching the tills. He was soon heading off across the car park with a certain sense of purpose about him. Back home, these very expensive boxes appear to have come with a free power shower. I don't know for certain what a power shower is but it sounds very important. I never understand why they never give him two allen keys in these boxes, one to drop and lose, and the second to do the job with. In this case it was dropped down the plug hole in the bath. I watched with great intent as things were drilled, screwed cut and cursed at, as the power shower appears to have morphed into a white plastic box on the wall with a slightly lopsided demeanour and a hose coming out of the bottom which appears to have a big kink in it. I was watching this thinking to myself he shouldn't be having a kink in that pipe like that. But what do I know? After coffee (and Bonios, had I mentioned that I like Bonios?) the grand ceremony of the turning back on of the water was carried out. Much to The Owners surprise, and mine, there were no leaks which there would normally be when he starts plumbing jobs. He was feeling very pleased with himself and immediately poured himself a large sherry by way of celebration. Then came the grand switching on ceremony and The Owner reached in and pressed a pad on the shower and stepped back smartly. There were noises from within but I guess he was expecting to see water come from somewhere at this point. Well he wouldn't with a kink in the hose like that would he?? The Owner opted to turn up the water a bit which produced a small trickle from the shower head and even more noises from within the white plastic box on the wall. So the pressure was turned up further. More noises, getting louder, still no water. So he turned the water pressure up full and climbed in to the shower to investigate. Now I am only a K9 (with breeding) but I am thinking that this might not have been his best move so far today. He would have been far better off turning it all off and removing the kink in the hose. But what do I know. With the noises inside the power shower reaching a crescendo there was a very loud bang from the power shower and a little plastic pellet from the pressure relief valve shot out of the bottom of the white plastic box on the wall, hit the bath, then the mirror and then made contact with the back of The Owners head as a great deluge of water followed it and filled up The Owners work boots. Water turned off. we are now on our way back to B&Q to get another power shower and presumably have an argument with Manager Hoomun about "products not fit for purpose" and of course forgetting the kink in the hose. I can't help but wonder if that, coupled with The Owners general ineptitude in matters of plumbing might be a logical answer and not some oversight in the design and manufacture of the product. But I do at least get a second shot at the burger van so I am hopeful of a second sausage.

Posh Lady Client Came.... and Went

I have kept a very low profile ever since the whole fish flavoured olive oil incident. I thought it for the best. You may recall The Owner went out for the day and left me behind, and he smelled funny. In the meantime I had found somewhere to roll, on the ground where he normally keeps his recycling tins and there appeared to be a contaminant in the shape of fishy flavoured olive oil which I did not enjoy and even a roll in badger poo did nothing to reduce the effect. A snooze on the sofa that I am not allowed on did little to make me feel better either. Right that brings you up to date. 

We have two living rooms, one is upstairs, and this has bean bags which I am not allowed on either but I can report that they are very comfortable. So I reasoned that he would never know if I had a quick snooze up there. This fish flavoured olive oil was really becoming a problem for me and I found that the bean bag did little to relieve the effects. What I needed was a blanket, that may help a little, or........ a duvet!!!! That would do it! And his bedroom door is open!!! He will never know, I thought. It worked! I felt much better and returned downstairs for a proper snooze feeling very much better.

It was getting dark and cold in the cottage when I heard the heating come on and then a familiar sound as I hear The Owner come wandering up the side path. But I can also hear another voice too, it is Posh Lady Client Hoomun! So that's where he has been all day! If I am lucky she may have forgotten the whole silage liquor thing and give me a Bonio. She laughs like a donkey I think, smells a bit like one too. So The Owner breezes through the back door with hardly a word in my direction even though I was doing my best ever "pleased to see you home" bounce. He casually threw some of my food in my dish, grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine which as far as I can tell was one of his expensive ones that he normally shows everyone before opening the cheap stuff to give to them and then disappeared upstairs with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. Why am I getting this feeling of foreboding? I hid! There was much guffawing up there from The Owner, and donkey laughter from Posh Lady Client Hoomun and then I heard the bedroom door open (I only need a crack in the door to get through, hoomuns need much more width). The laughter and braying continued for a few seconds before there was silence. It lasted for a few more seconds although it seemed much longer, when in unison I heard The Owner roar and Posh Lady Client Hoomun scream. Hmmm, they found out I had been on the bed then! Posh Lady Client stomped out of the bedroom and I heard her flop on the bean bag. A short silence and then more screaming. I was hiding behind the sofa when they came back down the stairs like a herd of cows in the dairy yard all squabbling and pushing to get into the milking parlour first. She flopped down on the sofa whilst she dragged he coat on and then jumped up quick and looked at the sofa, strangely close to where I had spent most of the day. I am getting the vibe here that hoomuns don't enjoy fishy flavoured olive oil either. Posh Lady Client Hoomun saw me peeking out from behind the sofa and called me "A beastly dog!" before running out of the cottage with The Owner hot on her heals in the closest thing I have ever heard from him to an apology. He returned alone a few minutes later, looking disconsolate. 

From the look on his face as he set about scrubbing the furniture and changing the beds I get the feeling we may not be seeing Posh Lady Client Hoomun here for a while. Well I didn't like the way she laughed anyway. But I did think it best to stay out of the way for a while.

Fishy Flavoured Olive Oil

Does anyone have any magic remedies for removing vegetable oil from K9 fur? I have a small problem and I don't think I am going to get much help in this department from him indoors. When he gets back. He went off earlier this morning dressed up in his suit, smelling funny and at great pains to keep me away from his suit which has just returned from the cleaners after my last attempts at accessorising it with the odd bit of dribble and dogs hair. He was also singing a lot which is always worrying. Yesterday was recycling day and there were loads of black boxes outside of gates up and down the village and to be honest I nearly ran out of wee! But not quite, so all worked out well. Everybody has black boxes with lids, except The Owner, who does have a black box, but also a green box with holes in the bottom to let water and other extraneous substances run through. Now his green box is what he keeps all his tins in. Tins, unless properly cleaned, dribble all kinds of things and as The Owner can be a little lacking in such matters from time to time, these all kinds of things tend to dribble out of the holes in the bottom of his green box. Come recycling day the area of grass where the green box is kept is always worth having a bit of a sniff and a lick. As normal, last night the green box was left down by the gate and not retrieved and put back where it belongs. This is normal and he waits until I have wee'd up it a few times or until someone in the village frowns very loudly at him. So today I have been left unsupervised whilst he has gone swanning off to heaven knows where so after I had enjoyed a good sniff and a lick at the grass where the green box is kept a brainwave hit me! Maybe I could roll in it too!!!!! So I did. Rolling in fishy olive oil is not to be recommended (unless you are a fish getting into a tin I suppose), it clogs the fur terribly and even a roll in a good dollop of badger poo hasn't got rid of the smell or the sensation of fishy flavoured olive oil. I clambered up on the sofa that I am not allowed on and tried to rub it all off on there but it is no better. I may try his bed later if I can get no relief from it all. I wonder where he has gone?

The Silage Clamp

The Owner's not speaking to me this morning but that is normal, neither is Posh Lady Client Hoomun which is a shame coz she normally gives me a Bonio. Had I mentioned that I am partial to the odd Bonio? Makes no difference really as I fear it may be a while before he forgets about this one. 

It is Sunday morning here and this is a good excuse to get out and about early in case he feels inspired to throw me in the bath when he has finished with it. He was also very busy around the cottage quite early, tidying and dusting, and that was another reason to go off on an early patrol because what follows tidying and dusting? Yes, the ruddy Dyson is dragged out of its lair. So I chased around the fields and found loads of things to sniff and loads of things to wee up or over. I was running a bit short in the wee department so made my way towards the farm to take on more water to finish the job before heading back to the cottage to see how The Owner was getting on. That was when I found it. Well really it found me to be honest. There was a thin crust of ice across a large puddle round the back of the silage clamp and I thought I would just run straight across. Even if the ice wouldn't hold me it wouldn't be deep enough to worry me. Well it didn't hold me and it was deep enough to worry me and it wasn't water! It was belly deep (that is a K9 unit of measurement) in silage liquor! Now this stuff is quite pungent to be fair but I am not averse to such things and decided to give it a try. Shoulder down.... going well...... and...... ROLL! Yay!!!! I must go and show The Owner this one! Off I went at a gallop back to the cottage. When I got there The Owner was slurping politely at his coffee with Posh Lady Client Hoomun and discussing "things" in an unusually polite manner for him. That did seem to change quite rapidly as he reverted to type and started using words I pretend not to understand and holding his nose a lot. Posh Lady Client Hoomun also started using some very similar words which surprised me a little as she always seemed very polite to me. She usually makes a big thing about giving me a Bonio but I got the distinct vibe I wasn't going to getting one today as I tried to get on to the settee in my excitement. The Owner dragged me off in a very undignified manner and put me in the shed to await my fate whilst he went back into the cottage to deal with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. He offered her a sponge and a bowl of warm water to "get rid of the worst of it" although I preferred to think of it as the best of it. How come she gets a sponge and warm water when all I get is a hose pipe and a yard broom?? 

Well, that was an hour ago now and I have just been hosed and yard broomed. The Owner has tried to clear up what he called "Your Mess!" Actually he used another of those, no, several of those words that I pretend not to understand when saying that. However I think the cottage smells rather nice now. The Owner, on the other hand, seems to still think otherwise. I am not sure why Posh Lady Client Hoomun left without giving me a Bonio but I get the feeling it will be a while before she gives me another.

The Owner has been Christmas Shopping

Earlier today one of The Owners clients turned up and they sat and discussed "things", which always sounds terribly important if you ask The Owner, but seemed to revolve around an MP3 player in a very uncooperative frame of mind. At one point the signs were looking about right for there to appear one more bit of The Owners discarded electronic equipment at the bottom of the pond. The pile in there is growing a lot of late with phones, remote controls, cameras, although there isn't any MP3 players in there at the moment. Crisis averted when it started to co-operate more, I was given a Bonio, as if in celebration. Then Owners Client Hoomun asked The Owner if she could take me for a walk. I think mainly so she didn't have to witness the demise of her MP3 player if it had another attack of the vapours and really did finish up in the pond! Now, I like going for walks with Owners Client Hoomun as I can get away with so much more on walks with her than I can with The Owner. And today was no exception! We found the pond up on the hill! The one The Owner goes to great lengths to keep me from getting in. The one with all the trees hanging over it. The one which is quite full of dead leaves and water. The one where the leaves are all rotten and decayed from many years past. The one that has about two feet of thick black sludge in the bottom. That one. Well I couldn't hear her calling me out! The wind was very noisy up there and the colour in her cheeks from all the shouting made her look much healthier I thought, so I was really doing her a favour. When we got back to the studio The Owner seemed a little less than enthusiastic with my efforts and promptly introduced me to the hosepipe again and was far too rough with the yard broom for my liking. He went off shopping soon after smelling far worse of pond mud than I thought I ever did. When he returned he was smirking in a particularly mischievous manner and then produced what he described as a very fitting hat for me. Well I didn't think it fitted at all well! And why did he find it so funny when he put it on me?

The Locksmith

This week I have learned about something new. This week I have learned about "Karma". Last night The Owner left me in a cold cottage and closed the door and left me indoors with no fire. Absolutely no fire at all! Just like to make that point. He then made much over his Inspector Poirrot style incisiveness when he caught me trying to get on to the sofa that I am not allowed on. Well this evening I have tried to keep my head down as much as possible and not attract further his ire which has meant laying at the end of the sofa, which is no hardship as it happens, as it is also beside the radiator. Although old skinflint won't let the heating stay on after half past seven there are still the last vestiges of heat to be got from it until nearly half past eight. Well this evening he has lit the fire, unlike last night, and at half past eight he stoked up and put on the last of his logs that he had in the basket. He said to no-one in particular, "I'd better get some more in before it gets really cold out there". So wearing just his trousers and a thin t shirt he leaps with great enthusiasm out of the back door trying not to get his bare feet cold on the concrete path and pulled the door closed behind him. Now I'm guessing he didn't want to do that. The look on his face was quite a picture..... through the glass.... from the inside... He spent the next half an hour waving through the cat flap trying to get me to bring him the keys. Well I'm a K9... that is a cat flap....I don't do cat flaps. He is now waiting out in the cold for the locksmith to arrive. I hope he gets here within the next hour or so or I might begin to feel the cold as the fire starts to die down. I think I may get on the sofa that I am not allowed on as well whilst I have the chance.

There's Someone at the Window!

After walking the tightrope all day yesterday with The Owner, who had had such a bad start to his morning, I was very relieved to get home unscathed to be honest. So with a certain amount of excitement and relief I arrived at the back door, eager to get in and then get....... DINNER! The Owner opened the back door and I shot through it with a certain amount of athleticism I thought and began my bouncing around routine by my food dish. This was all going very well and with no major upsets during the day, apart from putting my paw in the water dish in the office and sending the contents across the carpet like a mini tsunami. So I was looking forward to a nice evening curled up beside The Owner near the fire. Just the evening patrol of the perimeter and a poo to do and the danger zone has passed I felt. So more dancing around by the back door and off I went out into the inky blackness of a dark and wet night. 

When I returned, The Owner was stood by the back door still wearing his Barbour jacket, which I thought nothing of as I shot past and into the cottage. I heard the door close behind me as I scuttled off into the lounge looking for the fire. I arrived to find the fire was not lit, then I turned round and there was no The Owner either. So I retraced my steps and found that the back door was shut and The Owner was nowhere to be seen. He had gone out, using subterfuge and trickery, and left me behind!!!! I was not impressed, so I curled up on my comfy cushion and dreamed of a hot fire which was not quite the same as a real one. After a while, it was getting quite cold and the warmth of my dreamed fire was not quite cutting it, so I looked around for warmth. The first thing that came into sight was the sofa. Now in the cottage it is the new one that I am not allowed on, but The Owner wasn't there so I reasoned that he wouldn't know. One paw up and pause (just in case). Two paws (so far so good). Three paws (nearly made it). Fourth paw just off the ground when there was a very disturbing banging from the window. It scared me so much that a little bit of wee came out!!! It was The Owner! How does he do that?!? A quiet evening on my own and the second I do something I shouldn't he is there to witness it!! My previous good order counted for nothing as I was told the error of my ways and a whole load of other indiscretions that were nothing to do with me! Well it had lasted well under the circumstances I guess.

The Owners Bad Start

The Owner has had a bad start to his morning. And there was me thinking it was going to be me that had the bad start! Normally, during the week The Owner will start his day with a shower. Well actually he normally starts it with a cup of tea first which is where my story begins. Tea made, he takes it in to watch the Breakfast News on the BBC and wedges the mug between the cushions, as he normally does, and I think to myself, as I normally do, that it didn't look very safe. And do you know what? I was right! I knew I would be, as his tea mug slowly rolled over and deposited its contents on his chair cushions. I thought to myself, "He won't be liking that!" and I was right about that too! I am really on a role here I thought. He flopped down in his chair and it appeared to take a few seconds for the message to travel from his bum to his brain that all was not as it ought to be before he launched forth with a roar that any lion would have been proud of. On a different tack for a moment, may I offer the following question. How large can a hoomun bum get before it becomes and arse - discuss. Sorry, back to the story. He was clearly unsettled by the whole tea soaked bum routine and so opted for a bath this morning and I sat at a respectful distance as he ran the water. Owners Daughter had left her bubble bath bottle here so he starts slopping its contents in. Oh Lord! Lavender (Yuk and Phew) and water lilly. Well I have to say that this is not the kind of lilly pond I would want to get in! Undeterred, The Owner clambered in and sunk like a submarine beneath the waves and proceeded to read his Sunday paper. Hot baths and not enough sleep meant that he kept dropping his paper in the bubbles so he gave in and reached above his head to put his paper on the closed lavatory seat.... except it wasn't.....and then his glasses were quick to follow and it was the plop from that seemed to alert him that things were not as they ought. Retrieving them was an unnerving process. Let me just say that if he offers you croissant and serves them with tongs, be a little suspicious. Let us see what the rest of the day brings........ The omens are not good after that little lot and got worse after three attempts to walk to the studio and getting half way before stomping back to retrieve, first the phone, then his lunchtime drink, then his glasses drying on the radiator. Oh yes, and a fourth attempt to put the bins out which he had also forgot. It may be a long day I fear.

The Upturned Tree and The Owner

Well this weekend I appear to have given everyone a great deal of mirth. Not that I intended to. But The Owner has been busy telling everyone of the problem. Owners daughter came to see me on Saturday, The Owner likes to think she has come to see him but I know that isn't true, she has really come to see me! So when she arrived she started to remove several bags full of rubbish off the seats, off the floor and about everywhere else in her car too. She even made a joke about rediscovering her inner car seat when she dug down through her stuff and got to the seat covers. She then laughed very loudly at her own joke which was scarily like The Owner, I suspect they may be related.As soon as there was room enough on the back seat for me I got in. Just in case anyone was going to be going anywhere. You can't be too careful in my experience or you run the risk of being left behind. The Owner tried to call me out but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut! Eventually they both came out and got in the car. Alright, it was an hour later but I felt my stance had been vindicated. We first went to Sainsbugs and when The Owner reappeared he seemed to be under some kind of verbal assault from Owners Daughter, probably for the plight of the indigenous population of the Amazon rainforest. That seems to be her favourite at the moment. Then we drove to a different woods to my normal patrols and we went for a walk. It was great fun, chasing through loads of dead leaves, running and running. Then I happened to see something strange beside the path. I had never seen anything quite like this. So I tried to get a scent of it... nothing.... so I went a bit closer and sniffed again. Still nothing so I growled a bit. No response. I was getting a little concerned at all this as these were my "pack" that I was to protect here. The Owner and Owners Daughter. So I had a little woof at it and took a step closer. It wasn't moving away from me. I have since discovered that it was an upturned root plate from a tree that came down in the winds, but how was I to know??? I have never seen one before!! I was intent on protecting my pack so I got yet closer and growled at it quite a lot. However I had taken my eye off The Owner for a moment, which is never a good thing to do, and he had gone round behind the root plate and was sneaking up on it from his side. Just as I was getting close enough to make a decision on whether to bite it or wee on it and walk away, The Owner launched himself over the top shouting a loud Aaaaarrrrrgh! with his hands and legs spread as wide as he could. Well I thought the damn thing was coming to get me and I panicked, a little bit of wee came out and I ran. The Owner can fend for himself I thought, as I ran as far and as fast as I could. Well that was the intention, except my legs weren't working as well as I would have liked. Then I could hear The Owners laughter ringing in my ears, added to by the stifled giggling of Owners Daughter. I felt proper foolish and it got worse when he took me to the pub. He kept telling everyone of my panic and they were all laughing loudly at my misfortune. There are times when I really hate hoomuns!! I will be taking to my comfy cushion for the rest of the day i think!

The Log Delivery

The Owner has had a very bad start to his day, in fact it started last night really. He was very busy ordering logs on the phone yesterday with the usual sense of urgency that is inspired from not ordering them in time and only thinking about it when he has run out. But the order was placed and he sat back in his chair by his desk with that confident smirk of one who has averted disaster. Or at lest, a chilly evening! Our journey home last night was a damp one and a dark one as he grumbled his way down the road to the cottage. He grumbled about puddles (if he would buy himself some new shoes he wouldn't notice the puddles), he grumbled about cars going to fast, he grumbled about cars not dipping their headlights. In fact he grumbled about almost everything really. I was really quite anxious to get home and indoors before we got to including me in his "everything" so I rushed up the garden path past the heap of logs left at the gate. He followed me quickly and by now the grumbling had included the state of the garden path, the leaking gutter and the Somali pirates. I am at a loss as to why the Somali pirates were getting put in their place but I was just glad it hadn't got to me yet.Once indoors and I had been fed he started to pace the floors and kept checking out the windows and then sighing a lot. Then Log Hoomun was the object of his ire in no small manner too. For apparently not delivering his wood! Well what was that we had walked past earlier?? We ended up with just two small logs in the grate and a firelighter, which lasted all of ten minutes. There was a lot of grumbling all evening until I was, frankly, glad he went to bed. This morning the grumbling continued about lack of logs until he stuffed his hands in his Barbour pockets and stomped off down the path, round the corner of the shed...... and fell over a heap of logs. Anxious not to lose any of the momentum he was building in the grumbling stakes now he realised they had been there since yesterday evening, he changed his grumbling to the subject of wet logs instead. From my vantage point under the desk I can notice a slight trickle of blood running down his shin from his trip over the log pile. I guess he has yet to notice that, he would be making far more of his injuries if he had. A day to keep out of the way I think, maybe the calf sheds would be my best option.

My Brain Implosion

Last night I had a headache! Today I have a headache! I also have a funny shaped head and, I am sure, a brain implosion. Today I am also getting absolutely no sympathy from The Owner, but that is no different to normal I guess. 

Last night, as it was getting dark, Owners Mate arrived and him and The Owner discussed "things", but I did hear the discussion of Bonios, so I was quite happy that on this occasion "things" were not going to be to my detriment. So I was unconcerned when they jumped into Owners Mate's car and left me behind. They shortly returned carrying several Sainsbugs bags and I did spy a box of Bonios in one of them.... and another!! Make no mistake, this was not a demonstration of love and caring for my well being on the part of The Owner, I have fallen for that one before. No, this would have just been that they were on some kind of special offer. After more discussions Owners Mate said he would take the shopping home in his car and The Owner and I would wander home so I could, well, perform. When we got to the gate Owners Mate was busy carrying bags up the path and The Owner picked up a few more. I happened to notice that the back seat was down and there was a big sheet spread out which I thought might be for me and we were off on a little adventure somewhere so I started to get in... and then it happened!!! Someone tried to close the tail gate, I was too dazed to know who, as I tried to stagger back out of the way. Unable to shut the tailgate on their first attempt they closed it again. I am sure I still have the imprint of a tailgate catch on the underside of my chin. I guess also that we weren't going off for an adventure, unless you count having your head shut in a tailgate door as the adventure I suppose. In which case it was quite an adventure!

I Was Escorted Round The Garden!

I have been out in the garden where it was raining hard and the stream is flowing well. I had the intention of getting down and having a good roll, the shoulder looked to me as though it needed a little accessorising. But I suspect The Owner had done his mind reading thing again as he followed me all round the garden. I mean, a little privacy here please! It's raining, didn't he have somewhere to go? I gave up in the end and returned to the fire. But he needn't think I've given up on the idea, I just have a little longer to plot my move.

My Spoiled Evening

The very fast and very noisy cars that race back to where they started from has been recorded and he is searching for his corkscrew , I suspect the peaceful evening I had planned is about to be interrupted. The fire is lit and the laptop is ready. I was about to write my daily memoirs. Don't think that is going to happen now. 

Wagging One's Tail

Oh what fun I've had! Yesterday morning I went out for a quick patrol of the perimeter after breakfast whilst The Owner took his morning tea and sat down to watch BBC Breakfast. When I returned, The Owner had his clipboard out which is always a cause for concern. He seemed to be paying far too much attention to my back end and then scribbling frantically on his clipboard. I had to check round the back end in case I had maybe had a good chomp on a bit of tinsel that I had forgotten about. The reappearance of tinsel can be problematic I have come to notice in the past. But all appeared to be in order. His interest in my rear end was unnerving to say the least! Then I heard an item on the news which explained his behaviour and his particularly unhealthy interest in my rear end. Some fool hoomun has announced to the world that we K9's talk to each other with our tails. News to me!!! So to play along with him, for every Markie I wagged to the left and for a piece of toast, the right. This was all going swimmingly, so when he went to pour his second cup of tea I shuffled about a bit and his clipboard slid under the sofa. When he returned there was much searching for it, which bizarrely even included the shed in the garden. So he got another piece of paper and rested it on last weeks Sunday paper and continued his "research". So I gave him some conflicting results. Much later he found his clipboard and then noted the anomalies. I think we have seen the last of his experiment and I have a full belly to show for it so that is alright then. I like the idea of being an experiment, I wonder what we can experiment on today?

Postman Maul 2

I think I may have...umm....overcooked it a bit! Yesterday I went out on patrol as The Owner was getting far too animated with something on his desk for my liking so I felt it best that I went out. Out of sight. Out of mind. But on my return I was in time to see Postman Maul driving out of the farm gate again. This morning I was not about to miss him so since we got there first thing this morning I went and sat round the corner of the studio and waited. It wasn't comfortable and it wasn't warm either but I was determined to try and get to sit on Postman Maul's shoulders. Well when he got here he pulled up outside the studio and started fumbling through the box of mail on his seat but his door was open so I seized my moment. Well at least none of the letters fell out of the van!!! True, they were all over the floor and under or behind the seat, but none came out. There may have been one or two with a muddy paw print on them as well but that was hardly my fault, it was muddy beside the studio where I had been waiting!

Postman Maul's Shoulders

Inspired by the video of the cat on his Postman's shoulder seen on Facebook this morning, I resolved to give it a go myself today. Postman, who I now shall refer to as Postman Maul, arrived and was intent on giving The Owner one of his free leaflets that The Owner always smiles and thanks him for and then throws them in the recycles bin. I was trying to find the best way to get up there. Should I try and climb up, or circle round the back and take a running jump and see if I can get there in one athletic leap. I suspect he suspected my ploy as he kept fending me off with the leaflet. Tomorrow I may lurk behind one of the cars and await his arrival and run at him and jump when he has his back to me and see how I get on that way. I will keep you informed over my progress.

A Windy Night in October

Last night you may have noticed it was a little windy and as a result there was a lot of very loud frowning this morning. Due to the slightly inclement evening, noticed (in certain hoomun quarters) only after I was sent out into the garden and returned very wet, The Owner seemed preoccupied with the tumble dryer. Having brought his washing in off the line for the third time that day a little wetter than it was when it went out he formed a strong relationship with his tumble dryer for the evening. The observant among you will have noticed, as have I, that tumble dryers produce quite a lot of dry washing in need of other stuff being done to it and it seems to get put in the washing basket. Basically it gets left there then until he has decided to wear it again, but this evening it was left on top of the taps at the butlers sink. Now I know what a sink is for, but I have no idea what a butler is, or why he needs a sink, or do K9's even need a butler!? During the night there was a big gust of wind, of which I was happily oblivious up to a point. The point where I became aware was when the window above the taps got blown open and the basket and its contents fell on my head. Unable to understand how to fold up washing and return it to the basket, I did the next best thing and dragged it up into a heap..... and laid on it. Well I didn't hear him come down the stairs this morning because of the weather outside so he found me still asleep on the heap of crumpled washing. He has spent the rest of today sighing every time he passes the mirror and passing comment about crumpled shirts. Well I was cold with that window open!!!!!

The End of British Summer Time

The Owner appears to be in a strop this morning. I am assuming it is to do with him forgetting to change the clocks last night and getting up before Old Reg The Paperboy had delivered his Sunday paper. He seemed to have had a strop in the night too so why he didn't change his clocks then I shall never know. Predictably at two this morning the usual fidgeting starts upstairs, until half an hour later when he gives in and comes grumbling down the stairs to have a wee. I thought I would take advantage of the opportunity and I bounced around by the back door until The Owner let me out. Well you know how it works, you rush out to the first bush and whilst weeing on that a sniff passes by on the ample breeze that was blowing at the time. So I went to explore that and then I thought I heard a twig break down in Dingly Dell. So I went to explore that. Then another sniff... and a bit more exploring and so on until, after half an hour I suddenly realised I was actually half way across the cricket pitch field and thought it better to return to the new cottage and find The Owner. I started off with a gentle canter but by the time I got back it was a full on charge bordering on a demented badger run. As I entered the cottage The Owner was not waiting for me at the door, so I continued on through the kitchen and into the living room where The Owner was sat on the settee doing an impersonation of the statue "The Thinker". Although I don't think there was much thinking going on as he appeared to be asleep! Well I soon put that right when I landed and rammed my nose under his armpit and looked up at him. Well I don't know what he was grumbling about. If he had put his clocks right in the first place, given that it was two in the morning, I would have been back half an hour before I had left!! Given that it was The Owners fault, you would have predicted that I was to be punished in some way for his mistake. But how? It is Sunday so The Owner had his bath this morning and as he climbed out he swept me up in his arms and dropped me in without ceremony. I didn't feel too bad about it as when I got out and did a quick demented badger run around the carpet in the living room, I noticed the door to the stairs was open...... so up I went. Then I noticed his bedroom door was open too! He is now throwing his bed sheets in the washing machine, which I can't understand as he only changed them yesterday. He is still grumbling at me and frowning very loudly too. Hoomuns, huh!

Coffee on the Table

As eleven o-clock arrives I start to get excited, as it means coffee time for The Owner and that also means it is Bonio time for me. K9's are not known for such but I feel a "Woop Woop!" ought to be required at this point. The suspense was starting to get to me a little if I am honest as half past eleven was fast approaching and I had not seen him move. He was still up there, at the desk above me, banging on the keyboard and grumbling... a lot. It was then I had a terrible thought! What if I had gone to sleep and missed it? What if he has already had his coffee? I was frantic! Suddenly he threw the mouse pen back in its stand and gets up, picks up his "very special blue mug" which doesn't have Piglet, Pooh or Tigger on it, (so it is obviously still in one piece) and makes his way across to the coffee making stuff. I sit and watch as the palpable excitement in the air builds to a crescendo as he gets his cafetiere and the spoon and the coffee and spoons the coffee in. One......two.....and three coz I'm worth it! He then laughs at his joke, as he does every morning, the same joke - same laughter. Then he fills the cafetiere with hot water and puts the plunger in the top. As I watched intently, dreaming of Bonios, I couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't have taken the spoon out of the cafetiere before putting the plunger in. He was on the phone by this time so his concentration levels, poor at best, were now at an all time low. As he chatted and laughed he absent mindedly pushed the plunger down. I thought to myself "He shouldn't have done that". And I was right! As the plunger went down the spoon opened the side of the filter in the plunger and allowed a stream of coffee and grouts to pass up the side and out of the spout and all across his desk. The harder he pushed, the farther the coffee shot across the desk unnoticed. After a few more minutes chatter on the phone he leant on the desk with his elbow and noticed the dark lake now residing on his desk and said a few choice words. Words that I pretend not to understand when he says them to me as I have breeding obviously. I rather got the impression that the lady hoomun client on the other end of the phone new exactly what they meant and was none too impressed to have heard them. I also get the impression that he hasn't got that contract after all. This may be an afternoon for keeping below the radar I think. I didn't get a Bonio either!!!

The Crackly Fire

The Owner is now running a tab for me on to which he adds the cost of all my misdemeanour's and then subtracts anything I earn and bring into the house. I am not hopeful of too much being subtracted from my tab to be honest but today I fear I may have added the cost of the "Finest of Chablis". May I just explain that when I was given my P45 as a gun dog (with breeding) from Lord Baths estate it was because I didn't like the bangs the guns made, they said I was "gun-shy". Unlike The Owner, of course, who is not shy of even the merest drop of gin. Well we have had the fire lit tonight, in our new cottage, using some odds and ends of logs he has been hacking up with Owner's Mate's chainsaw. Odds and ends tend to crack and spit a lot I have noticed, but he lit the fire and settled down with a bottle and a glass on the floor beside my comfy cushion so I curled up there too. Hopeful of a half hours fuss, or a Bonio, or better still..... both! Things were going well as we shared a moment of bonding. You know, Owner and K9 thinking as one. Well, the fire did a very good crackle at this point and I leapt forward without thinking and jumped on his lap....... which unsettled his glass..... which knocked over his bottle........ which fell on his Winnie the Pooh mug...... which split into two halfs........which spilled his cold tea from this morning all over the carpet...... which mixed with his wine on the carpet and made a right old mess! Now his cheap £3.99 bottle of Asda home brand "Dry White Wine" has immediately become a £15 bottle of chablis and has joined his Winnie the Pooh mug on the tab he is running for me. I suspect that the hire of a carpet cleaner will yet be added to that. Unable to earn in my own right I may have to conspire to get enough on to his tab to offset my own. I will keep you informed as to my progress.

The Hedge Munching Dinosaur

I have this morning encountered a dinosaur! And I would like to point out that although there are those who have been heard to mutter in disparaging tones that The Owner is a bit of a dinosaur, on this occasion it wasn't him. I had heard Tractor Driver Hoomun out in the fields since early this morning doing things. I have never managed to work out what he is meant to be doing or how he gets away with what he actually does do out there. He drives his tractor out into a perfectly good green field and then thrashes around for a while, and by the time he leaves there is not a blade of grass to be seen!! Now I have seen The Owner get in a frightful bait with Small Boy when he has been riding his bike around the lawns at the old cottage and just left a few tyre tracks across the lawn so how Tractor Driver Hoomun has managed not to get Farmer Hoomun in the same frame of mind over his efforts I am somewhat mystified. The good bit about Tractor Driver Hoomun is that when he stops for his lunch he tends to leave crusts laying about and I can avail myself of them later on patrol. Anyway, I digress. I could hear Tractor Driver Hoomun doing things in the fields behind the new cottage so I sat on the lawn making a mental note as to where I thought he was going for reference when on patrol later. I could hear him working his way down the field and then turn across the back of the hedge that runs all the way across behind the cottage. He was making lots of noise out there when suddenly, a dinosaurs head appeared over the top of the hedge and began to eat the hedge!!! Although I have to say he ate it in a lovely straight line across the top from end to end. I also noted that the dinosaur was a very messy eater as he spat most of what he tried to eat all across the lawns. I know this from first hand experience because until I moved out of the way a lot of it was coming in my direction! I think, with that much mess, he will be needing a rubber mat much larger than the one my dish is on indoors. I decided to go indoors, quickly, just in case I get the blame for either the mess on the lawns or the hedge which was now much shorter than before. Now, where is that new box of Bonios?????

Trouser Trumps and Botty Burps

After the days start not going so well with the whole jumping in the bath thing from The Owner, I was hopeful of better things to come. Well, water mopped up and buckets emptied his mood was beginning to thaw a little and a cup of tea was poured and he came and sat on the carpet next to my comfy cushion to drink it. I was in for a pleasant half hour again I thought as I drifted off into slumber. Well you know how when you drift off to sleep, there comes a stage where the muscles all relax and you are just about aware of what is going on around you but can't really be bothered? Well, I was vaguely aware of a slightly strange sensation in the nether regions but ignored it until The Owner jumped up and started yukking and phewing very loudly and appeared to be a different colour than when last I saw him in the light of day. It would appear that in my semi slumber state I had let out a bit of a botty burp.... whilst my botty was, kind of, well, snuggled up against his leg really. He flounced around the kitchen for ages after that spouting nonsense about fresh air being in short supply round here this morning. Although it is fine for him to dispense with the botty burps and move straight on to the full on trouser trumps, followed by "Oooooooooooooh scuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!" As if that makes it any better or any less toxic than my own were. This was lining up to be a very long day, even by my standards.

Washing The Bathroom Floor

The Owner was up early this morning and in surprisingly good humour. However, I think I may have changed that. He made himself his morning tea and fed me and was unfazed by the lack of milk and his need to retrieve a slightly solid pint of milk from the freezer that lurks in the shed and growls at anyone who goes near it. He brought his mug of tea, made with lumps of frozen milk, and sat down on the carpet beside my comfy cushion and ruffled my fur as he watched the telly. Apart from a few derogatory comments sent in my general direction whilst he was watching an item about a very large slug, it was an overall pleasant half an hour. With much sighing and puffing he got up off the floor to take his mug back to the kitchen then turned to the bathroom to run his bath. There was a general comment hurled at me about still being curled up and still asleep, suggesting that it was time I went out on early morning patrol of the perimeter. Whilst he faddled around in the bathroom I ventured outside and down into Dingly Dell. After so much rain of late, imagine my excitement that there was actually water flowing along the bottom of the stream bed, so I went rushing back to find The Owner. I felt he would have been pleased too. Across the lawn I raced, around the big tree that he has his washing line tied to and down on to the concrete path. I jumped the gully and over the door mat at the back door. I was really getting a good head of speed going here as I went through the back door, along the hallway where I sleep and in to the bathroom at a fair rate of knots. This was where it went slightly wrong. Well, OK, so it all went completely wrong at this point. The Owner was bent over stirring his bath a little to get a few bubbles going and I was going a touch too fast to stop in the space available. I was cold and wet and my nose was even more so, The Owners legs and bum were not! This seemed to induce a response far more excessive than was warranted in my opinion as he launched himself into the bath. There was much splashing and bubbles and water were going every where! I thought "he was not going to be very pleased about that!" and do you know what? I was right! I think he must have got soap in his eyes or something. He is now in there grumbling and surrounded by lots of towels, all wet, and several buckets, all full. Well the floor was getting a bit dirty anyway and needed a good wash down. He does seem to be glaring in my direction quite a lot, I think I may keep out of the way for a while.

My Hair in His Phone

The thunderclap hasn't happened yet, but I think I am in trouble....twice! This afternoon The Owner was talking on his phone, when it stopped working. I don't do phones as they seem to be just trouble as far as I can see, judging by the way The Owner shouts at it or about it. But I could tell trouble was brewing when it stopped working. There was much angst as he tried in vain to get the recalcitrant device to show any signs of life. He gave up in the end and we came home. He then tried plugging it in to the charger unit as he told no one who cared that it may have a flat battery. Still no signs of life. Next step was to pull the cover off and explore its insides and I knew that this was going to end in trouble, so I chose that moment to go up the garden. When I came back The Owner called me, so I came bounding in in the hope of a Bonio. He had that strange expression on his face as he held his phone aloft and extracted much of my hair from within his phone in a very exaggerated fashion. He also pulled out what he told me was a SIM card and put it on the small table along with his battery..... and my hair. I naturally had to investigate a little with a quick sniff of the table. A short while later The Owner is getting a little frantic as he doesn't seem able to locate the SIM card which seemed to be important somehow. I joined in his search a little to try and locate the missing SIM card. It was at this point that he started staring at me and appeared to be laughing. It would appear the errant SIM card had become stuck to my nose and I have absolutely no idea how. Unusually I was not in immediate trouble but I feel sure it will come. Oh yes, and the phone, minus my hair, is now working and trilling every few minutes as normal again. I think I shall give the badger poo a miss tonight. Don't want to antagonise him further.

The Owners Broken Bed

What a day I have had already, and I am now not talking to The Owner. Well until teatime obviously! On Friday he left me on my own ALL DAY until the wee small hours when he came crashing through the back door full of Bon Homme expecting me to be pleased to see him. Well I was sound asleep behind the door at the time and I had just got to the bit in my dream where I am galloping through a field full of badger poo being chased by a dozen Lady Chocolate Labradors who just want me for my undoubted good looks and very obvious breeding, when the back door made heavy contact with my nose as The Owner returned. I did forgive this little faux pas on the part of The Owner because he then fed me, but last night I could quite happily have given him a quick nip on the fetlocks. He sat during last evening slurping loudly on what he described as "a fine and warming winter red" which looked to me to have come from exactly the same bottle as the one he has been slurping loudly throughout the summer too. But what do I know? I'm a K9... He took himself off to bed as normal last night and then about half past two the inevitable grumblings from up stairs start. Why he doesn't just give in to it and come downstairs and have his wee escapes me. But we have to go in for this half an hour of pointless resistance until his bladder, stretched to bursting point, forces him to jump out of bed and rush down the stairs with the greatest sense of urgency, casting aside anything which happened to be not in his way. As the grumbling reached its customary crescendo upstairs I hear him throw back the duvet and launch himself out of bed. Followed immediately by a bang so loud that I thought he had circumvented the normal rush down the stairs by coming straight through the ceiling! Whilst he was "performing" I took the liberty of wandering upstairs to investigate, only to find that his bed had collapsed and now resembled a heap of firewood with a mattress on top. I was not about to risk any blame coming my way and went downstairs again quickly and hid. So at three in the morning he wanders in from the shed, wearing just his socks, armed with hammers, tubes of glue and electric screwdrivers. There then followed half an hours frantic DIY activity upstairs, with lots of banging and screwing. By half past three he was back downstairs with a triumphant smile on his face but his fingers were stuck together. He felt he was incapable of sleep after so much activity, so I had to stay awake too so he could watch the recording of yesterdays qualifying somewhere the other side of Swindon.... followed at six by the F1 race with the very fast and very noisy cars with nowhere for the K9 to sit, as they race all the way back to where they started from. Then we switch over to watch the very fast and noisy motorbikes from somewhere the other side of Swindon do it as well. I can't sleep at all though, as my comfy cushion is in front of the TV speakers. He, on the other hand, can sleep standing up at a U2 concert (and has) and the final straw came when he dropped off to sleep and dropped his mug of tea on my head and then looked at me with that accusing look in his eye as though I am now responsible for the wet patch on the carpet! So until teatime I shall be turning my back on him!

A "Dyson Inch"

We have been working from home today! Which as far as I could tell involved putting up pictures and cleaning, but who am I to argue? I have Bonios!  After lunch a very jolly man from BT came and fixed The Owner's phone for him and I would just like to point out that I had absolutely no hand in breaking it (as far as I am aware). But by this time the damage had been done; The Owner had discovered a new way of mocking me and need I say more than it involves the ruddy Dyson! But not in the usual way of chasing me with it. I mentioned the dreaded "C" word,,,,,,,, cleaning. He was doing his bit flitting around the place with his duster and wearing that ridiculous pinnie with the bra and panties on the front and I am frankly relieved when he has finished his cleaning and takes it off again without having anyone come to the door. But inevitably his activity gets around to the ruddy Dyson, when he noticed something he hadn't noticed before and makes the most of it at my expense. There is now a new unit of measurement he has invented today, known as a "Dyson inch". After chasing round the carpets randomly he notices that the dust is at the bottom of the clear plastic thingy and my hair and other fluffy stuff, being lighter, is now well towards the top. He has reasoned that the dust is down to him and everything else is down to me. So he parades around holding the clear plastic bit of the Dyson like a glass of fine wine studying it and pronounces that there is just the one "Dyson inch" for him and one.... two......three....six "Dyson inches" for me! As if I am meant to feel guilty about it!!!!! Oh how I wish the vicar had called whilst he still had his pinnie on!!