Fishy Flavoured Olive Oil

Does anyone have any magic remedies for removing vegetable oil from K9 fur? I have a small problem and I don't think I am going to get much help in this department from him indoors. When he gets back. He went off earlier this morning dressed up in his suit, smelling funny and at great pains to keep me away from his suit which has just returned from the cleaners after my last attempts at accessorising it with the odd bit of dribble and dogs hair. He was also singing a lot which is always worrying. Yesterday was recycling day and there were loads of black boxes outside of gates up and down the village and to be honest I nearly ran out of wee! But not quite, so all worked out well. Everybody has black boxes with lids, except The Owner, who does have a black box, but also a green box with holes in the bottom to let water and other extraneous substances run through. Now his green box is what he keeps all his tins in. Tins, unless properly cleaned, dribble all kinds of things and as The Owner can be a little lacking in such matters from time to time, these all kinds of things tend to dribble out of the holes in the bottom of his green box. Come recycling day the area of grass where the green box is kept is always worth having a bit of a sniff and a lick. As normal, last night the green box was left down by the gate and not retrieved and put back where it belongs. This is normal and he waits until I have wee'd up it a few times or until someone in the village frowns very loudly at him. So today I have been left unsupervised whilst he has gone swanning off to heaven knows where so after I had enjoyed a good sniff and a lick at the grass where the green box is kept a brainwave hit me! Maybe I could roll in it too!!!!! So I did. Rolling in fishy olive oil is not to be recommended (unless you are a fish getting into a tin I suppose), it clogs the fur terribly and even a roll in a good dollop of badger poo hasn't got rid of the smell or the sensation of fishy flavoured olive oil. I clambered up on the sofa that I am not allowed on and tried to rub it all off on there but it is no better. I may try his bed later if I can get no relief from it all. I wonder where he has gone?

The Silage Clamp

The Owner's not speaking to me this morning but that is normal, neither is Posh Lady Client Hoomun which is a shame coz she normally gives me a Bonio. Had I mentioned that I am partial to the odd Bonio? Makes no difference really as I fear it may be a while before he forgets about this one. 

It is Sunday morning here and this is a good excuse to get out and about early in case he feels inspired to throw me in the bath when he has finished with it. He was also very busy around the cottage quite early, tidying and dusting, and that was another reason to go off on an early patrol because what follows tidying and dusting? Yes, the ruddy Dyson is dragged out of its lair. So I chased around the fields and found loads of things to sniff and loads of things to wee up or over. I was running a bit short in the wee department so made my way towards the farm to take on more water to finish the job before heading back to the cottage to see how The Owner was getting on. That was when I found it. Well really it found me to be honest. There was a thin crust of ice across a large puddle round the back of the silage clamp and I thought I would just run straight across. Even if the ice wouldn't hold me it wouldn't be deep enough to worry me. Well it didn't hold me and it was deep enough to worry me and it wasn't water! It was belly deep (that is a K9 unit of measurement) in silage liquor! Now this stuff is quite pungent to be fair but I am not averse to such things and decided to give it a try. Shoulder down.... going well...... and...... ROLL! Yay!!!! I must go and show The Owner this one! Off I went at a gallop back to the cottage. When I got there The Owner was slurping politely at his coffee with Posh Lady Client Hoomun and discussing "things" in an unusually polite manner for him. That did seem to change quite rapidly as he reverted to type and started using words I pretend not to understand and holding his nose a lot. Posh Lady Client Hoomun also started using some very similar words which surprised me a little as she always seemed very polite to me. She usually makes a big thing about giving me a Bonio but I got the distinct vibe I wasn't going to getting one today as I tried to get on to the settee in my excitement. The Owner dragged me off in a very undignified manner and put me in the shed to await my fate whilst he went back into the cottage to deal with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. He offered her a sponge and a bowl of warm water to "get rid of the worst of it" although I preferred to think of it as the best of it. How come she gets a sponge and warm water when all I get is a hose pipe and a yard broom?? 

Well, that was an hour ago now and I have just been hosed and yard broomed. The Owner has tried to clear up what he called "Your Mess!" Actually he used another of those, no, several of those words that I pretend not to understand when saying that. However I think the cottage smells rather nice now. The Owner, on the other hand, seems to still think otherwise. I am not sure why Posh Lady Client Hoomun left without giving me a Bonio but I get the feeling it will be a while before she gives me another.

The Owner has been Christmas Shopping

Earlier today one of The Owners clients turned up and they sat and discussed "things", which always sounds terribly important if you ask The Owner, but seemed to revolve around an MP3 player in a very uncooperative frame of mind. At one point the signs were looking about right for there to appear one more bit of The Owners discarded electronic equipment at the bottom of the pond. The pile in there is growing a lot of late with phones, remote controls, cameras, although there isn't any MP3 players in there at the moment. Crisis averted when it started to co-operate more, I was given a Bonio, as if in celebration. Then Owners Client Hoomun asked The Owner if she could take me for a walk. I think mainly so she didn't have to witness the demise of her MP3 player if it had another attack of the vapours and really did finish up in the pond! Now, I like going for walks with Owners Client Hoomun as I can get away with so much more on walks with her than I can with The Owner. And today was no exception! We found the pond up on the hill! The one The Owner goes to great lengths to keep me from getting in. The one with all the trees hanging over it. The one which is quite full of dead leaves and water. The one where the leaves are all rotten and decayed from many years past. The one that has about two feet of thick black sludge in the bottom. That one. Well I couldn't hear her calling me out! The wind was very noisy up there and the colour in her cheeks from all the shouting made her look much healthier I thought, so I was really doing her a favour. When we got back to the studio The Owner seemed a little less than enthusiastic with my efforts and promptly introduced me to the hosepipe again and was far too rough with the yard broom for my liking. He went off shopping soon after smelling far worse of pond mud than I thought I ever did. When he returned he was smirking in a particularly mischievous manner and then produced what he described as a very fitting hat for me. Well I didn't think it fitted at all well! And why did he find it so funny when he put it on me?

The Locksmith

This week I have learned about something new. This week I have learned about "Karma". Last night The Owner left me in a cold cottage and closed the door and left me indoors with no fire. Absolutely no fire at all! Just like to make that point. He then made much over his Inspector Poirrot style incisiveness when he caught me trying to get on to the sofa that I am not allowed on. Well this evening I have tried to keep my head down as much as possible and not attract further his ire which has meant laying at the end of the sofa, which is no hardship as it happens, as it is also beside the radiator. Although old skinflint won't let the heating stay on after half past seven there are still the last vestiges of heat to be got from it until nearly half past eight. Well this evening he has lit the fire, unlike last night, and at half past eight he stoked up and put on the last of his logs that he had in the basket. He said to no-one in particular, "I'd better get some more in before it gets really cold out there". So wearing just his trousers and a thin t shirt he leaps with great enthusiasm out of the back door trying not to get his bare feet cold on the concrete path and pulled the door closed behind him. Now I'm guessing he didn't want to do that. The look on his face was quite a picture..... through the glass.... from the inside... He spent the next half an hour waving through the cat flap trying to get me to bring him the keys. Well I'm a K9... that is a cat flap....I don't do cat flaps. He is now waiting out in the cold for the locksmith to arrive. I hope he gets here within the next hour or so or I might begin to feel the cold as the fire starts to die down. I think I may get on the sofa that I am not allowed on as well whilst I have the chance.

There's Someone at the Window!

After walking the tightrope all day yesterday with The Owner, who had had such a bad start to his morning, I was very relieved to get home unscathed to be honest. So with a certain amount of excitement and relief I arrived at the back door, eager to get in and then get....... DINNER! The Owner opened the back door and I shot through it with a certain amount of athleticism I thought and began my bouncing around routine by my food dish. This was all going very well and with no major upsets during the day, apart from putting my paw in the water dish in the office and sending the contents across the carpet like a mini tsunami. So I was looking forward to a nice evening curled up beside The Owner near the fire. Just the evening patrol of the perimeter and a poo to do and the danger zone has passed I felt. So more dancing around by the back door and off I went out into the inky blackness of a dark and wet night. 

When I returned, The Owner was stood by the back door still wearing his Barbour jacket, which I thought nothing of as I shot past and into the cottage. I heard the door close behind me as I scuttled off into the lounge looking for the fire. I arrived to find the fire was not lit, then I turned round and there was no The Owner either. So I retraced my steps and found that the back door was shut and The Owner was nowhere to be seen. He had gone out, using subterfuge and trickery, and left me behind!!!! I was not impressed, so I curled up on my comfy cushion and dreamed of a hot fire which was not quite the same as a real one. After a while, it was getting quite cold and the warmth of my dreamed fire was not quite cutting it, so I looked around for warmth. The first thing that came into sight was the sofa. Now in the cottage it is the new one that I am not allowed on, but The Owner wasn't there so I reasoned that he wouldn't know. One paw up and pause (just in case). Two paws (so far so good). Three paws (nearly made it). Fourth paw just off the ground when there was a very disturbing banging from the window. It scared me so much that a little bit of wee came out!!! It was The Owner! How does he do that?!? A quiet evening on my own and the second I do something I shouldn't he is there to witness it!! My previous good order counted for nothing as I was told the error of my ways and a whole load of other indiscretions that were nothing to do with me! Well it had lasted well under the circumstances I guess.

The Owners Bad Start

The Owner has had a bad start to his morning. And there was me thinking it was going to be me that had the bad start! Normally, during the week The Owner will start his day with a shower. Well actually he normally starts it with a cup of tea first which is where my story begins. Tea made, he takes it in to watch the Breakfast News on the BBC and wedges the mug between the cushions, as he normally does, and I think to myself, as I normally do, that it didn't look very safe. And do you know what? I was right! I knew I would be, as his tea mug slowly rolled over and deposited its contents on his chair cushions. I thought to myself, "He won't be liking that!" and I was right about that too! I am really on a role here I thought. He flopped down in his chair and it appeared to take a few seconds for the message to travel from his bum to his brain that all was not as it ought to be before he launched forth with a roar that any lion would have been proud of. On a different tack for a moment, may I offer the following question. How large can a hoomun bum get before it becomes and arse - discuss. Sorry, back to the story. He was clearly unsettled by the whole tea soaked bum routine and so opted for a bath this morning and I sat at a respectful distance as he ran the water. Owners Daughter had left her bubble bath bottle here so he starts slopping its contents in. Oh Lord! Lavender (Yuk and Phew) and water lilly. Well I have to say that this is not the kind of lilly pond I would want to get in! Undeterred, The Owner clambered in and sunk like a submarine beneath the waves and proceeded to read his Sunday paper. Hot baths and not enough sleep meant that he kept dropping his paper in the bubbles so he gave in and reached above his head to put his paper on the closed lavatory seat.... except it wasn't.....and then his glasses were quick to follow and it was the plop from that seemed to alert him that things were not as they ought. Retrieving them was an unnerving process. Let me just say that if he offers you croissant and serves them with tongs, be a little suspicious. Let us see what the rest of the day brings........ The omens are not good after that little lot and got worse after three attempts to walk to the studio and getting half way before stomping back to retrieve, first the phone, then his lunchtime drink, then his glasses drying on the radiator. Oh yes, and a fourth attempt to put the bins out which he had also forgot. It may be a long day I fear.

The Upturned Tree and The Owner

Well this weekend I appear to have given everyone a great deal of mirth. Not that I intended to. But The Owner has been busy telling everyone of the problem. Owners daughter came to see me on Saturday, The Owner likes to think she has come to see him but I know that isn't true, she has really come to see me! So when she arrived she started to remove several bags full of rubbish off the seats, off the floor and about everywhere else in her car too. She even made a joke about rediscovering her inner car seat when she dug down through her stuff and got to the seat covers. She then laughed very loudly at her own joke which was scarily like The Owner, I suspect they may be related.As soon as there was room enough on the back seat for me I got in. Just in case anyone was going to be going anywhere. You can't be too careful in my experience or you run the risk of being left behind. The Owner tried to call me out but I wasn't falling for that old chestnut! Eventually they both came out and got in the car. Alright, it was an hour later but I felt my stance had been vindicated. We first went to Sainsbugs and when The Owner reappeared he seemed to be under some kind of verbal assault from Owners Daughter, probably for the plight of the indigenous population of the Amazon rainforest. That seems to be her favourite at the moment. Then we drove to a different woods to my normal patrols and we went for a walk. It was great fun, chasing through loads of dead leaves, running and running. Then I happened to see something strange beside the path. I had never seen anything quite like this. So I tried to get a scent of it... nothing.... so I went a bit closer and sniffed again. Still nothing so I growled a bit. No response. I was getting a little concerned at all this as these were my "pack" that I was to protect here. The Owner and Owners Daughter. So I had a little woof at it and took a step closer. It wasn't moving away from me. I have since discovered that it was an upturned root plate from a tree that came down in the winds, but how was I to know??? I have never seen one before!! I was intent on protecting my pack so I got yet closer and growled at it quite a lot. However I had taken my eye off The Owner for a moment, which is never a good thing to do, and he had gone round behind the root plate and was sneaking up on it from his side. Just as I was getting close enough to make a decision on whether to bite it or wee on it and walk away, The Owner launched himself over the top shouting a loud Aaaaarrrrrgh! with his hands and legs spread as wide as he could. Well I thought the damn thing was coming to get me and I panicked, a little bit of wee came out and I ran. The Owner can fend for himself I thought, as I ran as far and as fast as I could. Well that was the intention, except my legs weren't working as well as I would have liked. Then I could hear The Owners laughter ringing in my ears, added to by the stifled giggling of Owners Daughter. I felt proper foolish and it got worse when he took me to the pub. He kept telling everyone of my panic and they were all laughing loudly at my misfortune. There are times when I really hate hoomuns!! I will be taking to my comfy cushion for the rest of the day i think!

The Log Delivery

The Owner has had a very bad start to his day, in fact it started last night really. He was very busy ordering logs on the phone yesterday with the usual sense of urgency that is inspired from not ordering them in time and only thinking about it when he has run out. But the order was placed and he sat back in his chair by his desk with that confident smirk of one who has averted disaster. Or at lest, a chilly evening! Our journey home last night was a damp one and a dark one as he grumbled his way down the road to the cottage. He grumbled about puddles (if he would buy himself some new shoes he wouldn't notice the puddles), he grumbled about cars going to fast, he grumbled about cars not dipping their headlights. In fact he grumbled about almost everything really. I was really quite anxious to get home and indoors before we got to including me in his "everything" so I rushed up the garden path past the heap of logs left at the gate. He followed me quickly and by now the grumbling had included the state of the garden path, the leaking gutter and the Somali pirates. I am at a loss as to why the Somali pirates were getting put in their place but I was just glad it hadn't got to me yet.Once indoors and I had been fed he started to pace the floors and kept checking out the windows and then sighing a lot. Then Log Hoomun was the object of his ire in no small manner too. For apparently not delivering his wood! Well what was that we had walked past earlier?? We ended up with just two small logs in the grate and a firelighter, which lasted all of ten minutes. There was a lot of grumbling all evening until I was, frankly, glad he went to bed. This morning the grumbling continued about lack of logs until he stuffed his hands in his Barbour pockets and stomped off down the path, round the corner of the shed...... and fell over a heap of logs. Anxious not to lose any of the momentum he was building in the grumbling stakes now he realised they had been there since yesterday evening, he changed his grumbling to the subject of wet logs instead. From my vantage point under the desk I can notice a slight trickle of blood running down his shin from his trip over the log pile. I guess he has yet to notice that, he would be making far more of his injuries if he had. A day to keep out of the way I think, maybe the calf sheds would be my best option.

My Brain Implosion

Last night I had a headache! Today I have a headache! I also have a funny shaped head and, I am sure, a brain implosion. Today I am also getting absolutely no sympathy from The Owner, but that is no different to normal I guess. 

Last night, as it was getting dark, Owners Mate arrived and him and The Owner discussed "things", but I did hear the discussion of Bonios, so I was quite happy that on this occasion "things" were not going to be to my detriment. So I was unconcerned when they jumped into Owners Mate's car and left me behind. They shortly returned carrying several Sainsbugs bags and I did spy a box of Bonios in one of them.... and another!! Make no mistake, this was not a demonstration of love and caring for my well being on the part of The Owner, I have fallen for that one before. No, this would have just been that they were on some kind of special offer. After more discussions Owners Mate said he would take the shopping home in his car and The Owner and I would wander home so I could, well, perform. When we got to the gate Owners Mate was busy carrying bags up the path and The Owner picked up a few more. I happened to notice that the back seat was down and there was a big sheet spread out which I thought might be for me and we were off on a little adventure somewhere so I started to get in... and then it happened!!! Someone tried to close the tail gate, I was too dazed to know who, as I tried to stagger back out of the way. Unable to shut the tailgate on their first attempt they closed it again. I am sure I still have the imprint of a tailgate catch on the underside of my chin. I guess also that we weren't going off for an adventure, unless you count having your head shut in a tailgate door as the adventure I suppose. In which case it was quite an adventure!

I Was Escorted Round The Garden!

I have been out in the garden where it was raining hard and the stream is flowing well. I had the intention of getting down and having a good roll, the shoulder looked to me as though it needed a little accessorising. But I suspect The Owner had done his mind reading thing again as he followed me all round the garden. I mean, a little privacy here please! It's raining, didn't he have somewhere to go? I gave up in the end and returned to the fire. But he needn't think I've given up on the idea, I just have a little longer to plot my move.

My Spoiled Evening

The very fast and very noisy cars that race back to where they started from has been recorded and he is searching for his corkscrew , I suspect the peaceful evening I had planned is about to be interrupted. The fire is lit and the laptop is ready. I was about to write my daily memoirs. Don't think that is going to happen now. 

Wagging One's Tail

Oh what fun I've had! Yesterday morning I went out for a quick patrol of the perimeter after breakfast whilst The Owner took his morning tea and sat down to watch BBC Breakfast. When I returned, The Owner had his clipboard out which is always a cause for concern. He seemed to be paying far too much attention to my back end and then scribbling frantically on his clipboard. I had to check round the back end in case I had maybe had a good chomp on a bit of tinsel that I had forgotten about. The reappearance of tinsel can be problematic I have come to notice in the past. But all appeared to be in order. His interest in my rear end was unnerving to say the least! Then I heard an item on the news which explained his behaviour and his particularly unhealthy interest in my rear end. Some fool hoomun has announced to the world that we K9's talk to each other with our tails. News to me!!! So to play along with him, for every Markie I wagged to the left and for a piece of toast, the right. This was all going swimmingly, so when he went to pour his second cup of tea I shuffled about a bit and his clipboard slid under the sofa. When he returned there was much searching for it, which bizarrely even included the shed in the garden. So he got another piece of paper and rested it on last weeks Sunday paper and continued his "research". So I gave him some conflicting results. Much later he found his clipboard and then noted the anomalies. I think we have seen the last of his experiment and I have a full belly to show for it so that is alright then. I like the idea of being an experiment, I wonder what we can experiment on today?

Postman Maul 2

I think I may have...umm....overcooked it a bit! Yesterday I went out on patrol as The Owner was getting far too animated with something on his desk for my liking so I felt it best that I went out. Out of sight. Out of mind. But on my return I was in time to see Postman Maul driving out of the farm gate again. This morning I was not about to miss him so since we got there first thing this morning I went and sat round the corner of the studio and waited. It wasn't comfortable and it wasn't warm either but I was determined to try and get to sit on Postman Maul's shoulders. Well when he got here he pulled up outside the studio and started fumbling through the box of mail on his seat but his door was open so I seized my moment. Well at least none of the letters fell out of the van!!! True, they were all over the floor and under or behind the seat, but none came out. There may have been one or two with a muddy paw print on them as well but that was hardly my fault, it was muddy beside the studio where I had been waiting!