Jack Two Baths

Last night I was becoming a little concerned about The Owner, he is such a worry! He kept saying to me "You're going to smell soooooo nice tomorrow!". I think I smell perfectly ok anyway, but how could he know about this morning by last night??I pondered on this all night, sat in the bootroom. It didn't keep me awake as such, the fridge did that! I am sure it gets noisier!! Well, I got up this morning, still pondering, and chased The Owner for my breakfast. He was grinning at me in a particularly malicious fashion which unnerved me a little, I had a bath! Twice!!!!! I was whisked off my feet with no regard for my dignity and carried upstairs. As soon as he does that it is sure to end in tears and I do my best to ensure the tears are his and not minebut I was deposited without due ceremony in THE BATH!!! With lavender (yuk and phew) bubble bath!!!! I can feel nightmares coming on for tonight already! I think I may be in trouble later when he goes to bed, when I jumped out of the bath I ran across the landing and had a quick trip around his bedroom and across the bed. I ran down the stairs and out into the garden at which point I couldn't help notice that there was a dollop of badger poo in the woods at the top of the garden and, well, sort of,.............................well........................................rolled in it. I couldn't help it! I did notice that my second bath of the morning, in the pond since you ask, was a little cooler than the first bath. Devoid of any badger poo on the shoulder The Owner made me walk to heel all the way to the Village Hall. There was lots of people there, nearly as many as I saw in Lundun last week and many of them seemed to be very friendly (unlike The Owner who had a very unfriendly scowl). I had the feeling I was some kind of celebrity! That was until I was shut in a cage in the back of Lectrician Hoomuns car. In a cage!!!!!!!!!!!! I have breeding I do!! Had I mentioned that I was born and trained on Lord Bath's estate? The good thing was that The Owner didn't realise that I was being fed lots of cake through the bars of the cage in which I had been incarcerated. I wonder what's for tea?

The Trailer Monster!

Yesterday was Friday! Has the K9 (with breeding) lost it I hear you ask, to make such a simple fact worthy of mention in a post? Well, in my understanding hoomun days are twenty four hours long, my Friday is currently standing at 33 hours and is showing no signs yet of drawing to a close. I don't know what has got into my hoomun!! For the purpose of clarity let us just call Friday the bit up until midnight last night and the rest we shall hereafter refer to as Saturday even though the two are normally distinguished by an extended period of slumber and snooze. After work on Friday we ambled up to the pub so The Owner can enjoy the odd pint (or four) but I really don't mind as it means I go too, and then I can hone my skills in extracting the odd morsel from any who come within my powers. Mainly lady hoomuns since you ask. So far, yesterday was remarkable only in that it was starting to draw to a close. Until The Owner got a phone call.... as he was getting ready for bed! There then followed much frantic activity until his mate, who he refers to as The Ugly Sister, no idea why as I thought being a sister made you a lady hoomun, came bounding through the door with far too much enthusiasm in my opinion. I am not normally allowed in his car but today I was actually encouraged to!! Now comes the worrying bit, we went off the other side of Swindon. A long way the other side of Swindon! I was on my guard for strange things happening! After much discussion and a lot of swearing at Ugly Sister's Satnav , (which seemed to have an opinion on just about everything) and several hours driving, we arrived at our destination, at least that's what Satnav seemed to be suggesting. To me it seemed more like a bit of dual carriageway with no distinguishable features. The Owner found the right place for The Ugly Sister and has not let it rest since. It was very dark and The Owner got out and let me out for a wee. He put me straight back in the car as he said he had to "Couple up the trailer!" which sounded very important, at least in The Owner's mind it did. I am not sure if K9's do trailer coupling or not but The Owner seemed very pleased with his efforts as he got back in the car. We then traveled off into the dark of the night. With not much to see I settled down and enjoyed the journey, this proved to be my undoing. We came to a roundabout which clearly had a lot of street lights and I wanted to see whether there would have been any which required wee'ing up. As I opened one eye and looked up, there it was, directly above me, a MONSTER!! Just the other side of the back window.... the kind of monster you would expect to find the other side of Swindon and it was looking in as we drove along!! In my half awake state, defence of my hoomuns was my only concern! Well actually it was because it scared the poop out of me, but I feel sure there was at least some desire to protect my Hoomun. I leaped up and had a great deal to say on the matter...... well how was I to know it was the trailer and it was meant to be there??? Their laughter ringing in my ears for the rest of the way home, I began to plot my revenge! Expect reprisals!! I am looking forward to my bed tonight and if he tells one more delivery driver to "Watch the dog as he may be grumpy, he didn't get much sleep last night!" it won't be the delivery driver that needs to watch me!!!!!

The End of a Good Day!

Yesterday was a good day! There was much frantic activity during the morning by The Owner, he had announced that he was going to have a day off which I had assumed would mean we would "do things". But instead he started painting. He painted the walls, he painted the doors, he painted himself, he painted the bath, he painted the sink; he also got some paint on the beams which I gather was his intended target. The oven was another of his targets and I now understand that the rungs inside the oven are meant to be bright and shiny! At some point in the afternoon, after he had stolen my duvet from the boot room and thrown it without due ceremony into the washing machine (he seemed to think it was getting smelly, I thought it was getting about right) Owners Daughter arrived. After successfully communicating mind to mind and getting her to retrieve a Bonio for me from the tin, The Owner went and got several armful's of newspaper and went to throw it in the boot of Owners Daughters car. I am always hopeful of a trip in a car somewhere so I jumped in quick, fully expecting to be removed amid much bellowing but I was allowed to stay!! We went first to the recycling centre and then to the pub in the next village, where I met not one, but two lady chocolate labs and two swamp collies. And I got fed when we got home! It is a very comforting feeling at the end of a day when things have gone well, I even let The Owner sit on my settee.

The Visit by The Pile Of Washing!

We have had visitors we have! A car arrived in the lay-by in front of the cottage and out got a familiar shape, Polly Dog! I have met Polly Dog before when she came to see me with her Hoomun called NieceinBornmuff. Well NieceinBornmuff has apparently now changed her name, as The Owner now informs me that she is called NieceinBlandford. I am unsure why hoomuns change their names like that, I will investigate and report. Out of the car also got Musician Hoomun carrying a bundle of washing, I thought, as I wee'd on their car wheel. The Owner and the other two hoomuns carried the bundle of washing in doors and the tea ritual, which I have witnessed so many times when hoomuns come to visit, was started by putting the kettle on. I had assumed that the bundle of washing had been brought up because their washing machine was broken or something. The Owner had to take his washing to Owners Dad's once when his washing machine sprung a very large leak and cast water upon the kitchen floor in a very dramatic fashion. So I reasoned that maybe they also had a very wet kitchen floor and felt it my duty to point out that I was in no way responsible. Cups of tea made and great attention on my part being paid to who was going to be the easiest to get a Bonio from, when the strangest thing happened!! The pile of washing started to move... on it's own!! Then made noises! Then a toy hoomun arm appeared... followed by a toy hoomun leg, and altogether far too much of an opinion on just about every matter you could think of!! Well I have never seen a hoomun as small as that before! Do they make lots like that or is this a one off? I watched this small hoomun with an air of caution for the next hour or so, you know where you are with The Owner but the Heap of Washing Hoomun was unpredictable at best. I was quite grateful for a lie down in the boot room that night, I had one of my headaches coming on!

Lady Auntie Hoomun's Visit

Yesterday, amid much excitement, Owner's Dad arrived together with Lady Auntie Hoomun and Accountant Hoomun. I thought Accountant Hoomun was a strange name for a hoomun but he did give me a Bonio so I will always play along with strange hoomun behaviours. Lady Auntie Hoomun also gave me many Bonio's so I will forgive her for what followed. Whilst I was giving a Bonio my full attention all of them ran outside and closed the front door behind them. Feeling it was all a mistake I ran to the back door..... it was shut! I ran to The Owner's bedroom window... the door was closed! I was suspecting that this was perhaps not a mistake and they had deliberately abandoned me. Bereft, I consoled myself with a sneaky snooze on the velvet cushions. When they returned, my K9 snifter, which never lets me down, deduced they had been to a pub somewhere.... without me! More Bonio's followed so I was in half a mind to forgive them until Lady Auntie Hoomun kept insisting I joined them in the garden for "Family Fun and Frivolities!". My comfy cushion, or better still the velvet cushion on my settee with which I am building a good bond of late, seemed a far better option in my opinion! I checked the car to see whether Cat was there and got chased away so I suspect he may have been hiding in there and was scared to come out as the cows were in the paddock opposite. Now, after my recent trip to Lundun on the train where I witnessed The Owner and other hoomuns picking up the evidence when us K9's had a poo, I have come to consider myself something of an expert on the matter. However, a question was posed to me yesterday which I have to say baffled me slightly. I understand how some K9's, labs in particular, work tirelessly to assist their blind owners, (I work tirelessly, on the other hand, to confuse The Owner. It's slightly different, yet equally successful) but the question was posed, who picks up their poo when they have one? It all sounds terribly messy if you ask me...

Hoomuns Are Like This!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold!

Yesterday I met a lady. One who clearly recognises breeding. The Owner and I were walking back to the studio for the third time that morning, why he doesn't write a list escapes me, when Lady Hoomun With Horse happened upon us. The Owner always says that it is a woman with a funny growth between her legs.... and then laughs very loudly, so it must be one of his special jokes that no-one else understands. As Lady Hoomun With Horse got closer she uttered words I will cherish forever. "I do admire your dog", she said to The Owner. "He is so handsome and well behaved!". I was beside myself! I have made notes and will not be weeing on her car door or her handbag should I see her in the pub one day. The Owner was predictably dismissive and said I had my good days and then, scowling in my direction, added "Sometimes!!!". Talk about deflated!! Owners Daughter arrived last night and stayed in the spare room, after The Owner had brushed off all my hair and other bits and pieces from where I managed to get a sneaky forty-winks when The Owner was out one day, and then passed it all off as a freshly made bed. What is the saying about revenge being a dish best served cold?? Well the more observant among you may have remembered how Owner's Daughter forcibly deposited me in the bath one day? Well..... let me just say, Owner's Daughter is not, habitually, an early riser, I am. I have a cold wet nose, and the grass in the garden was very damp this morning. An early morning poo causes me to get very excited and run very fast in no particular direction. Except today I found a direction.... straight up the stairs. Let's just say she was up and out of the bed with a certain sense of urgency at this point. It was a good start to the day, now, what to do next? Has Old Reg the Paper Boy delivered the paper yet I wonder.

My trip to Lundun

Yesterday morning The Owner was up early and polished his shoes (always a bad sign) and then dragged his suit out of the wardrobe. Not off a hanger, you understand, but from the bottom where he had thrown it after a disagreeable meeting a month ago. This of course liberated one or two of my little misdemeanour's. Well he had left me on my own a couple of times and I wanted somewhere different to lay and the wardrobe door was open! So this was the first accusing stare I had received that day, there will be more. And it was only a few of my hairs!!! So, suit de-haired and put on, I was expecting the usual cursory Bonio to be thrown my way and then abandoned to my own amusement for the day. Instead he picked up my posh lead and told me to get in the car!!! We went to SWINDON!!!! I was a little nervous until we got to the station and I relaxed a little, I knew that we get trains from stations and they go to Bath, I have been there before. I had also learned not to wee on the old lady's zimmer frame legs, they are apparently not for my benefit. However I was taken a little by surprise when the train came from the other direction, but a very grumpy chap who clearly had no understanding of my breeding told The Owner "Be careful with that dog and mind the gap with it." With IT!!! So I wee'd on his trouser leg and felt much better for it. The Owner said we were going to Lundun! When we got to Lundun there were so many people! We don't even see that many people at the village hall! We walked across the big station, I have never done my best walking to heal quite so good as that before. Not to demonstrate my considerable prowess at walking to heel, just that I wanted to keep The Owner close by me. Then we came across this huge badger hole and all these people went down it! What kind of a place was that???? As we got close to it I noticed that the stairs were all falling down the big hole, well I frankly wasn't surprised with that many people standing on it. Then The Owner went to jump on, well, I wasn't about to get on that!!! It moves!!! Oh the embarrassment! The Owner picked me up and carried me down it. Those badgers must have been very well organised as they have trains and everything down there. I must have a look again at the badger sett on the hill when next I go for a quick roll. When we got off the train, and came back out of the badgers sett we arrived in this park which The Owner said was a Kings park. I did look but didn't see a King. What is a King anyway? Should I have one? Anyway it was about that time of day so I found a secluded spot behind a tree and tried to ignore the big offices full of people. Then The Owner.... what was he doing?????? he pulls a carrier bag out of his jacket pocket and PICKS IT UP!!!!!! I told you the world was very strange the other side of Swindon didn't I? And it has even affected The Owner. I pretended not to notice out of politeness but I have to report I am in no hurry to repeat that particular journey. You know where you stand with cows. As far away as possible usually, but at least you know.