The Owners Been in Police Custard!!

The Owner has one of his headaches that could erupt at any moment into a full blown hamstring injury. He has not had a good day, bless him! You may recall from my last missive he was trying to find his hi-viz jacket and was intent on volunteering for the village Speedwatch.

Having presented himself for duty his offer was spurned as it was generally felt the way he was salivating with excitement as he pointed the speed gun at Manor Cleaner Lady as she passed by on her bike was perhaps inappropriate. Undeterred, he returned to the cottage and after much rummaging at the back of a drawer produced a hair dryer. Armed with his new 'speed gun' and his hi-viz jacket he set up camp outside on the road pointing the hair dryer at passing motorists. It was all going well until he decided to make a citizens arrest of one driver who turned out to be the Police Hoomun Inspector who's foot I wee'd on when he was asking inappropriate questions about The Owner when he went walkabout. After they released him from Police Custard, which sounded quite a messy thing to be in from what I could hear of it, The Owner decided to take me for a walk up on the hill. When I say walk, it really entailed me being on a lead running flat out beside The Owner, who is on Small Boy's bike. Up the big hill we went and that was when his day took a big turn for the worse. As we rounded the corner of the woods to come back down the hill, I thought I saw Lady Chocolate Lab down by the gate at the bottom and took off with a certain air of excitement about my general demeanour. I thought The Owner was joining in as no matter how hard I ran he kept up with me, whooping and shouting as he went! Well how was I to know that Small Boy had taken the brakes off his bike when he was here last. When we got to the bottom of the hill, well it wasn't Lady Chocolate Lab after all, which was just as well what with the mess he made of that gate. If my understanding of the things are correct, the five bar gate can now be considered a ten bar gate. Well I thought Farmer Hoomun may have been pleased at the increase in value of his gate but I must have missed something from the theory somewhere as Farmer Hoomun gave The Owner a bill and they always seem to upset The Owner. We may also have to visit Halfords before Small Boy visits next weekend as I don't think he is going to be too pleased with what The Owner has done to his bike! I am getting the strangest vibe from The Owner this evening, I think I may take myself to the boot room as a precaution.

The Speed Survey in the Village

I am thinking I may be in trouble here if the truth came out! It was an easy mistake I think, one hardly worth mentioning I think. But I think the ramifications could well be far reaching and one such ramification is building as we speak. I was on patrol the other morning up near the pub.

I couldn't go in as I was on my own and didn't have a lead (pub rules are that dogs must be on leads and under the control of a responsible adult.............probably least said about the last bit, the better). 'Twas then that I came across the object of an hour or so of my amusement and attentions. Laying in the road, well stretched across it actually was a big rubber snake, two of them in fact. So I bit it! The snakes appeared to be coming from a grey box that someone had chained to the telegraph pole and when I bit the snake it clicked, as if in some kind of protest. So I bit it again! And it clicked again! So I tried the other one and that clicked as well! This was fun! So I pounced on it and bit it at the same time and it clicked quite a lot at this so I did it again..... and again. This was fun. At one point there was one car came past and it clicked at that as well. But that was just Lady Manor Hoomun on her way to do the flowers at the church. I had great fun with that until it died and fell apart and I lost interest. I am thinking that I may have inadvertently been responsible for destroying a speed survey of cars going through the village and in some way responsible for it recording an abnormally high volume of traffic and doing some impossible speeds through the village. Oh dear! But it was such fun at the time! It gets worse! Because of these results Police Hoomun has given the village a speed camera and they are looking for volunteers! I am feeling a little apprehensive about the way The Owner is looking for his hi-viz jacket with a purposeful look in his eye. I will keep you informed.

More Leaking Eyes

Oh Saint Bonio preserve us! This hoomun behaviour trait is confusing me more than ever although I am getting some kind of a handle on it I think. He, The Owner, is in there now, with his eyes leaking again! The reason I think I am getting a handle on this strange hoomun behaviour is that I have been watching the TV and noticed something in common with both incidents.

Last time it was DIY SOS, and this time it is Village SOS. So, it is clearly something to do with SOS, I thought! Now a proverbial spanner has been thrown in the works of my thinking. At the moment he is watching a video called "The Colour Purple" which also appears to be having the same effect on his leaking eyes. I am thinking a frantic visit to the doctor demanding the attentions of Speshalist may ensue. Watch as I might I cannot see any reference to SOS in The Colour Purple but I will continue my observation and see if it comes later in the film. I will keep you informed! I think I had better go and find him a kitchen role or it could get messy!

4X4 Driver's Windscreen

Well........... I LIKE Sundays!!! Particularly Sundays like these. The Owner has done his housework which did reveal one or two misdemeanour's which I had hoped were forgotten some time ago and I was eventually allowed out of the boot room. After The Owner, (who has been going around singing, which is rather worrying) had done an hour down at the studio we, retired to the seat under the trees up the garden.

Now, I don't understand Squirrel particularly but I had worked out that Squirrel, who had been scattering his nuts, (metaphorically speaking) over the garden path was particularly vexed about The Owner blocking his path back to the nut bush and had a lot to say on the matter, fortunately, most of which The Owner didn't understand. So we retired to the cricket field with a collapsible chair and a bottle of beer which was extravagantly large in my opinion. Now, you have heard the saying "What goes around comes around!"? Well today was it! I was once castigated for retrieving the cricket ball and today when some hoomun from another village smite the ball verily (it is Sunday after all) in a perfect arc straight into the bramble bush they called for me to get it out for them. Well there were prickles in there and I am a delicate soul!!! So I took myself back to the pavilion in the hope of a sandwich at half time. That was when 4X4 Driver came into the car park paddock. Everyone else parks there! But no, he has to go through to the cricket field and park! So this gentleman from the other village who it seems is very good at swiping the ball verily, took another almighty swipe at the ball, which looked kinda dangerous and indeed it was as it cleared the boundary fence that bites my nose when I have sniffed it, and went straight through the windscreen of 4X4 Driver's car. There was a lot of angst at this point so The Owner and I came home quite quickly. I do like Sundays!

My Friday - Good and Bad!

Oh where to start? Do we talk about Lady Chocolate Lab Owner or do we talk about Tesco Yoof? Well, to be fare I am not certain it was Lady Chocolate Lab Owner but on Friday he got up and did his normal stuff upstairs, whatever that entails I am uncertain as I hide when that happens ever since Owners Daughter invited me up there and then threw me into the bath.

Then we went for our normal patrol but instead of going to the office we came back here. Very strange I thought! He went upstairs and there was a lot more splashing going on and I was definitely not going to investigate for fear of my own personal safety and then he re-appeared, smelling funny. This was why I suspected he has been to see Lady Chocolate Lab Owner as he only smelled like that when he was off to see her. I got a bit excited at this thought coz I thought I may have got to see my own love interest, Lady Chocolate Lab. He got a new pair of trousers out of a bag and put them on which looked kinda comical as his feet disappeared. There then followed much stabbing of fingers with needles and a lot of swearing. I did think that what he was doing would never last and I was right as when he did eventually get back his feet had disappeared again inside his trousers. Well after he put the needles and cotton wool soaked in blood and the elastaplast box away he stole my laptop and left!! I couldn't even voice an opinion on Facebook!!!! Home Alone I was!!! Today Tesco Yoof has been and delivered and he clearly thought he was a big strong hoomun as he insisted on carrying all The Owner's boxes up the path at the same time and opening the gate himself. I feel it my duty to bring clever hoomuns down to earth a little and I practice daily with The Owner but a swift dart between his legs as he struggled past my wee tree brought his whole world tumbling down and all the boxes with him. A good start to the day I felt, I am of course in the boot room but it was worth it. I am of course still concerned about not getting to see Lady Chocolate Lab, if that was where he went on Friday.

DIY SOS

Last night The Owner had a bit of a traumatic evening although I have to say he brought it upon himself. It's a facet of hoomun behaviour that I find the hardest of all to fathom out. It is usually a woman thing as I am lead to believe but that doesn't stop The Owner becoming involved with this whole ritual.

I refer here to DIY SOS! Now I get the premise of the program; family of hoomuns buy a hoomun kennel that has more holes in it than a ferrets cage, they all live there in amongst building rubble and rolls of loft insulation for ages and then Father Hoomun gets all depressed and says he is a failure. Not sure why coz from where I stand their kennel looks about as good as my boot room so it must be alright. Then a whole army of Builder Hoomuns comes along and then makes it ten times worse by putting windows in holes in the wall and making it all look tidy and stuff. Then the hoomun family returns and start this whole thing of the eyes leaking that I don't understand. I thought hoomun eyes leak when they are unhappy or when they have hit their thumbs really hard with a hammer (which seems just plain stupid to me) but they are telling everyone how happy they are etc. Why do they do this eyes leaking thing and then say they are happy??? The bit I really don't understand is that The Owner joins in with eyes leaking and then tells me what a good program he has just watched! Hello! If its going to upset him why watch it and if he is happy why have leaking eyes?? Hoomuns!!!!!!!!!! I am going to find a good bit of badger poo to roll in I think.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day - and I'm feeling good!

The Dyson!!!!!!

I was set about earlier today by that ruddy Dyson. I swear it has a mind and can move by itself! The Owner and I came shuffling up the road at lunch time, now normally I would have been bouncing athletically from sniff to sniff whilst The Owner does the shuffling but today, well frankly, I couldn't be bothered so I gave the impression that I was walking dutifully to heel.

When we got back he potters around the kitchen and makes himself a sandwich and pours himself a cup of tea then grumbles off through the dining room to go and watch the news whilst he absent mindedly spills the contents of the sandwich down his shirt. Now I get quite excited at this point because whatever he spills I get to clear up. If he talks to anyone about it he tells them that he doesn't understand it as there is never anything on the floor and yet he has managed to get certain stains on his shirt. Well with my lightening reactions where a wayward crumb or two is concerned it doesn't take a brain surgeon to work it out does it! Anyway, I'm sorry I digress, he was wandering through the dining room with me bouncing excitably on his heels when we had to go past the Dyson, left out after clearing up the remains of last nights little accident with a plate of rice for which I hold no responsibility but apparently all of the blame. Just as we passed it I could have sworn it moved! More out of blind panic than any reasoned attempt to escape I shot forward to get away from it and straight into the back of The Owner's legs. Just as well he left the Dyson out as it happened, I thought, with all that mess now on the carpet.

The Mouse and Shakespeare

I have a new best friend called Mouse! He doesn't realise he is, but I can see he clearly has my best interests at heart. Last night The Owner had his tea early which means by late evening he will be getting bored. By the time the sun went down he is flicking from channel to channel on the telly, clearly bored.

So on goes the DVD player, innocent enough you may think? Let me explain; when I moved here from Lord Bath's estate (had I mentioned that I was born and trained on his estate?) I had never seen the inside of a hoomun home and had no idea of the concept of a telly. It took me some time to get my head around where the chimpanzees were inside his telly that week, but I eventually got my head around that. It took a little longer to understand the washing machine and I had to have an opinion on that once or twice. Anyway, TV understood, he, The Owner, finds it funny to introduce me to the concept of surround sound. Well, the surround sound speaker stands behind my comfy cushion and I was out of there pretty damn quick when the chimpanzee that hitherto had been inside the TV was suddenly having a lot to say from behind me! Last night, Mouse had chewed through the wire to my surround sound speaker and The Owner was clearly disappointed when he turned it on and it didn't have the usual effect of the sound wave blowing all the hair on my back against the grain towards my nose. After much duct tape and swearing and the wire with a big lump in it like a worm with a knot in it's tail, the customary "Wump" of the big speakers was heard as they were turned on. Last night it was Shakespeare and I now understand why Small Boy has such an aversion to all things Shakespearean. If he loves the woman why can't he just say so? Instead we have two paragraphs of waffle that I barely understood and all at ear-splitting volume! The Owner is of course in raptures over it.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
It doesn't mention the effect on my ears this morning does it?

A Philosophy from Jack

One day you're a peacock, the next you're a feather duster!
Choose your path wisely

The Odd Broken Dish or Two

I have come out of the way until the dust has settled a little out in the kitchen. I have noticed that The Owner has a tendency to just shove the clean dishes into the cupboard with no particular thought for any sense of order. It was ok when Owner's daughter was here sorting out the house for The Owner's return as she put everything in a proper place.

Now I was a little resentful of the intrusion at the time because I know how The Owner gets frustrated by tidiness and I was anxious that his return home should not do anything that would cause any anxiety. But I admit that the benefits grew on me a little and it did to a degree with The Owner as well. Now, apart from the odd intrusion of order when Owner's Daughter comes up for the day, the cupboards have lapsed into their former state of confusion as The Owner stuffs dishes and plates wherever he can see a bit of shelf or stack of other dishes and plates that look as though it may be able to accommodate another one on top. Personally, I always felt that all his glass roasting dishes balanced on top of his little breakfast dishes was an accident waiting to happen, but I'm a K9 (with breeding), what do I know? This morning he was up early again, which is always a recipe for a disaster later in the day (he tires easily), and the dishwasher was for a while the object of his attentions. Everything was unloaded and put into the disorganised chaos inside the cupboard. He was doing himself a bacon sandwich out there, so apart from the cooker now being awash with grease and oil which will invoke a severe case of frowning when Owner's Daughter next visit's, he opened the cupboard door for a plate........ and the dam broke. Plates, pirex, glass and tins all came out of the cupboard like a tsunami across the kitchen floor. I thought it interesting how those pyrex dishes seemed to explode as they went. There has been much cursing going on out there which is why I have kept out of the way, just in case any came my way. But now he is sitting looking through the freebie papers for car boot sales, those that he hasn't been banned from, to see if he can replenish the cupboards with dishes and plates. The good news is that he has forgotten about his bacon sandwich which by now will be cold so I think that may be coming my way a bit later when he finds it again.

My New Duvet

I appear to be in the do-do AGAIN! In fact of late I appear to have been permanently in the do-do, it's only the depth that has varied. Yesterday's do-do has had an unexpectedly beneficial outcome, something befitting the status of one who has breeding. Have I mentioned before that I was born and trained on Lord Bath's estate?

The night before last, quite late, he, The Owner, was asleep on the couch pretending to be watching the telly so I took myself off for a quick patrol of the garden. It was dark outside, really dark! On my patrol I happened upon something organic in the garden, although exactly what, I was unsure, as it was very dark. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth I had a quick munch but the taste was not one I was familiar with so I was none the wiser as to its origin. Upon my return The Owner had stirred and was busy closing the house for the night so I retired to the boot room and snuggled up on my duvet. At some point during the night, and it caught me quite by surprise, my unexpected supper came back for an encore. Now I just knew that this was not going to go down well with The Owner so I tried desperately to hide it under my duvet but there was so much of it that it was sort of seeping out round the edges. When The Owner came down yesterday morning to let me out he didn't notice it at first, well, not until he trod on the edge of the duvet which leaked what was lurking underneath it and got all over his foot. I did check again in the light of day but I have to say that I am still not sure what it was. You may recall how the washing machine was on the blink, for which I was not responsible, which made cleaning my duvet one step beyond where The Owner was prepared to go for me so my duvet and half a tonne of soiled newspaper was deposited unceremoniously in the bin. I think Binman Hoomun may have a bit of a surprise this week when he has a quick nose through the contents of our bin to see if there is anything useful before it gets thrown in the back of the lorry. I think I may keep out of the way then. If they yuk and phew only half as much as The Owner did when he cleared it up I think I may not be very popular. Now I had some concerns whilst watching this about what I was going to lie on last night and was beginning to think that it may be the cold floor, but The Owner gave me a new duvet! Made of silk!!!!!! Now one is very posh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Owner Plays Golf

Yesterday afternoon The Owner received a phone call which seemed to induce much excitement and good humour as he quickly locked up the studio and we shuffled off down the road towards the cottage. There then followed much rummaging at the back of his wardrobe util he re-emerged, triumphant, holding up a pair of very strange shoes. Bright colours with tassels and spikes on the bottom.

They looked quite dangerous to me and I was not about to try and sniff them, mainly coz there was a lot of cobwebs in them and presumably several spiders, both of which have made my nose itch when sniffed at in the past. After a bit more rummaging he liberated a pair of the brightest patterned trousers I had ever seen! I need to watch this as I think more of his bizarre hoomun behaviour was going to follow. I was right, we went to play golf! Now I have never been to play golf before and judging by what followed The Owner hasn't either. I sat and watched carefully as all The Owners friends hit their little white balls down the strip of short grass. The Owner's first swing missed! Not the short grass; but the ball. It stayed resolutely on top of that little red spike he had pushed in the ground and balanced it on. Third attempt and he connected to the ball, which disappeared into the trees and the long grass. And as his friends disappeared out of sight hitting their little white balls as they went, The Owner was rummaging around in the grass looking for his. He also got shouted at for getting in the way of the group (who, by the way, were wearing the same strange colourful trousers as he was) that was following behind. I was curious, as I sat watching, as to exactly why he was searching for his ball over there when it was lying between my paws where it had landed. I tried to help! When he looked over in my direction I picked it up so he could see where it was. Well there was no need to say rude words like that!!!!!! I was only trying to help!!!! I don't understand hoomun ball games at all. My ball games are simple, you throw ball, I fetch it....you throw ball, I fetch it......you throw ball, I get fed up and wander off, you fetch ball. Simples! Then Grumpy Man with Hat came up and told The Owner he was causing an obstruction and asked him to leave the course. As we wandered back to the club house I was getting the distinct vibe that I was not popular over something. He may be sickening for something again I think. When we got home he threw his brightly coloured trousers in the washing machine along with one or two other items, put the soap and other stuff in all the right holes and poured himself a large glass of wine and went and found "somewhere to unwind". I couldn't help but feel, as I sat watching the machine trying to fill up, that all that water would have been better off inside it and it wasn't supposed to be flooding out from underneath and across the kitchen floor and on into the dining room. I'd go and attract his attention, but I don't want to get wet paws. When it gets to the living room door he'll probably notice.