The Owner Gets Wet!

Saturday we went out! Not the out which appears to be otherwise known as the village hall, but a proper "out", a long way away. On this out we both got wet, me and The Owner, I did it deliberately when I discovered a new village pond. A very large village pond. And The Owner seemed displeased for the rest of the day so I guess he didn't mean to get so wet. We got up very early, which is always a bad sign, and went to the station. Station Manager Hoomun wasn't even up it was so early! Which was probably for the best as I had made up my mind that any comments referring to me as "That Dog" were going to be met with a swift and decisive response on my part. Once, you can forgive them for not noticing my obvious breeding, I have had to endure it twice now, but a third I felt would be one step beyond what I was prepared to put up with. I think I must have dozed off at one point on the train as it went very dark and my ears went funny and hurt a little. The Owner told me it was ok as "That was the severn". Well I must have missed the other six! Eventually we got to a place which I think was called Swansea and me and The Owner walked a little. I think it must have been near Lundun as after a few hundred yards I felt "the urge" and The Owner produced a plastic bag and picked it up!!! I have noticed this strange hoomun behaviour in Lundun when we went before. What do they do with it?? Save it for later?? After a few minutes walking, on a lead since you ask, we got to this mahoosive village pond with funny walkways that seem to float! And boats! Lots of them!!!! There was this foopball floating in the village pond with a piece of string tied to it so I leapt forth to retrieve it. Well hello......I'm a retriever......I retrieve things!!! To be honest I hadn't allowed for the fact that someone appeared to have tied a boat to the other end of the piece of string. Nor for the fact that there didn't appear to be any banks for me to climb out on. The Owner seemed displeased that he had to reach over the edge and grab my lead and drag me out. A very undignified process and I am glad no one was watching! A bit further down the walkway we came across a boat with an engine running and a very jolly hoomun called Boat Hoomun on board. He seemed to know The Owner, so I hopped nimbly aboard. Ok I was dribbling quite a lot of water as I did so, but it was still nimble! Boat Hoomun gave me a digestive biscuit as he and The Owner had a mug of tea and The Owner regaled him with boating stories which I think happened to someone else and I suspect so did Boat Hoomun but we both went along with it. Tea finished, an air of great excitement came upon the boat and The Owner was instructed to "Cast Off!". Now, casting off seemed a very important job and, I also realise, quite dangerous. The Owner jumped off the boat onto the walkway and undid the bits of string that appeared to be holding us on and threw them, with a flick, onto the boat. I was quite proud of him really, he looked quite expert. Then he gave the boat a quick push which was where it all went wrong for him. I think he should have let go of the boat really..... or jumped on. He made a very large splash and had a great deal to say on the matter! They got him back on board the boat, but his morning continued to worsen. His jacket was very waterproof as it happened and under the circumstances kept quite a lot of water in his big pocket. He soon found it! Now you remember I said that he picked up my poo and put it in a plastic bag? You're ahead of me here aren't you? He didn't seem so impressed to find it again amongst the water in his pocket! The one thing which I still haven't worked out, how was that my fault???? He seemed very quiet for the rest of the day and a little disgruntled when Taxi Hoomun made him sit on a plastic mat on our way back from the station that night.

The Chair of The Devil

When he came back to the studio last night he didn't seem best pleased to be honest. It may have had something to do with his desk being on it's side and there being books, discs, coffee cups, cafetiere, and a variety of pens, letters and other bits of paper being spread all over the floor. Or maybe it was his chair which was also on it's side, perhaps. Or just the fact that I was hiding behind the water cooler and not bouncing around in eager welcome at his return which was causing his apparent displeasure. I tried desperately not to find out to be honest, as I reasoned it was not going to be very pretty when I did. Had I mentioned here that the water cooler I was hiding behind was also laying on it's side? He went out yesterday, only for a couple of hours. But before he went he had a small packet of chewey sticks that he was feeding me with in an absent minded moment of bonding. Suddenly his lift turned up and he was gone! Now in his absence my snifter was telling me there was still a chewey stick left on the desk so I was gainfully employed in trying for the next hour to find a way to get at it. Eventually, I opted to try and clamber on to his big black leather chair and then reach across to his desk so I started my journey. Front paws first and then one at a time, the back paws. It was a bit wobbly but I made it. Next step was to get the front paws on to the desk....... Well how on earth does he manage to sit on that chair without inflicting self injury???? I now realise that the office chair is of the devil, and has wheels and swivels and they all work!!!! Out of panic I dug my claws into the pad on his desk as the back half of me was still on the big chair of the devil as it wheeled and pirouetted its way across the studio floor, which was a mistake I think. That little bit of traction on the desk was enough to pull it with me to the floor.... together with anything that was on it...... and his chair..... the white board on the wall took a hefty thump from the chair and is not looking too firmly fixed anymore either. He is on the phone now to Office Water Cooler Lady Hoomun trying to convince them the damage is just wear and tear. Will someone please open that office door and let me out, the silence in here is deafening

My Little Moment

I have had a bit of a moment these last few days, but I know you'll be pleased to know I am now feeling much better. It all started last weekend when The Owner started rushing around tidying and dusting. A bit like he does when Cleaner Lady Hoomun is due to come in, except she doesn't normally come in on a weekend. The Owner informed me that Owners Daughter was on her way up to see us. He says she is a special one. He says that about Diesel Dog Daughter and Small Boy too. He has been known to say it about me from time to time but judging by the slightly disparaging tones he uses I think the context may be different though. Owner's Daughter arrived much earlier than normal for her, before lunch, and dragged in with her a washing basket full of stuff. Now I have recent experience of hoomun washing piles, the last one I came across sprouted a small pair of arms and legs and had a lot to say on most things so I kept a very wary eye on this one too! Owners Daughter frowned a lot at everything whilst The Owner was making tea and then dived into this washing basket. I thought this would be the point when my peace was about to be shattered, and it was, but for a very different reason. Owners Daughter produced bottles of polish and cleaning cloths and all manner of cleaning stuff which I was fearful may have brought The Owner out in a rash. Not as an allergy, just that it was going to involve cleaning. Owners Daughter then frowned a lot more and gave The Owner a bottle of something unpleasant and some cloths and sent him out into the boot room with the ruddy Dyson. Not as a punishment, but with instructions to clean the fridge and not come in again until he had done it! It was all said in the manner that even The Owner wasn't going to argue! I became a little uneasy at this point coz I felt certain that I had things behind the fridge that I would rather he didn't find and I watched nervously from a distance for quite a while. I was quite sure his pair of gardening gloves, missing since the summer, were squirrelled away under there and I was going to be in dead trouble when he found them. Surprisingly, he didn't find them, so I am at a loss as to where they went! He re-emerged with that triumphant look on his face that normally means trouble and I couldn't help but notice that even though his cleaning cloths looked remarkably clean still, his new white T shirt wasn't. Owners Daughter, meanwhile had been very busy, it would seem, and had found boxes of rubbish, newspapers, unopened letters and a variety of other detritus one could generally associate with The Owner and it was all stacked in little heaps everywhere. This is what upset me and I spent the rest of the day sat between The Owners legs. If he moved, so did I. If he walked around, so did I. You don't want to be taking chances when things are being moved around at the cottage, just in case I might be next. By the time Owners Daughter left that night everything had been put away again and the cottage looked much cleaner but I was still a little uncertain about all this stuff going on around me so I risked being told off for making him spill his wine and stayed walking between his legs wherever he went. I did try and climb on his lap once or twice but he didn't seem to welcome it. This week I have stayed either by his side or between his legs, just in case. I even thought it best to forgo my patrols. Today I was feeling a little better and have been on my first solo patrol this week! The hose pipe is in a heap outside the office, as is the yard broom, there is one less dollop of badger poo up on the hill, I am steaming gently by the electric fire and The Owner isn't talking to me. Equilibrium restored.... result!

The Brown Delivery Van

Today we had Delivery Hoomun arrive, only not in the customary white van that seems to be the cue for much angst from The Owner. This was a brown one! Not the hoomun, just his van. He jumped out with lots of bon homme, and a small cardboard box. "You must be Jack!", he said cheerily. Well, you could have struck me down with an empty Bonio box! How the hell did he know??? Then he presented me with this cardboard box which The Owner pinched out of my mouth as soon as Delivery Hoomun had gone. It had apparently come all the way from America which I think is the other direction from Swindon, so it must be the other side of Chippenham. Now I am aware that there are strange things at Chippenham, like office doors that open without anyone touching them as you approach, so the other side of Chippenham must be really terrifying! The Owner gave me the cardboard box and kept the book inside it for himself. Just as long as he doesn't try that with the Bonio box we shall probably be all right! "Hang on!", I thought, "That book has got me on the cover!!!!!!" I should have kept quiet, The Owner just gave me the bill and said I had to pay it if it was mine. But it is !!!!!! It is the draft copy of my book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the way from the other side of Chippenham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, I need a lie down on my comfy cushion now!

At The Proof Readers!

Jack Labrador's book is now with the proof readers! Heaven only knows what they will make of that! The cover is likewise awaiting approval by the publisher. It is set up for hard copy and also going onto Kindle as soon as it is approved. If I have to have just one more argument that "Hoomun" is a real word and not a spelling mistake I can see teddies parting company with prams in a very spectacular fashion.

My Adventure in Sainsbury's

I have had a bit of an adventure this evening! The Owner needed to go to Sainsburys for some groceries. I was confident that this may include the odd Bonio or Markie so I allowed him to go, but wait up... he is taking me too! Sainsburys are my favourite!! We went off with Ugly Sister in his big car but The Owner had "Bizniz" to deal with in town so The Owner opted to get out and walk round town. After presenting Bill with an envelope similar to the ones which seem to cause The Owner so much angst, we wandered to Sainsburys (which The Owner referred to as Sainsbugs and then laughed loudly at his own joke). When we got to Sainsbugs (he has got me at it now) I sat outside and was put on trust. Which means I have to sit outside in the rain like a lemon and get wet. To others it means I am not tied up outside the shop and have to behave myself. I sat there getting wet, awaiting the return of The Owner and as it was raining there was little option of any treats from any passer by. I was understandably despondent and then I heard it. Inside they have a "ping pong ping" announcement thingy, which asked for Mr Jack Greening to report somewhere and then they said "Jack, will you go to the checkouts?" I didn't need asking a second time, it was wet out there! I rushed in and Shop Manager Hoomun tried to greet me (I thought) with open arms. Well it was The Owner I was looking for so I was not about to let Shop Manager Hoomun catch me! I ran (athletically) down the row and more shop hoomuns joined the game, I have to report it was quite fun. But it was The Owner I was looking for so I ran on. More shop hoomuns... no match for my athletic manner. Although I have to report they were becoming more cunning and quite quite persistent. Not a problem.... I would just run around them! Ah... first problem... shiny floors and wet paws....not a problem I thought, it won't take them long to rebuild that stand. Traction was becoming more difficult as I ran into the olive oil stand and slid into the special offer half price wine stand. I found The Owner, predictably, at the sherry shelf. Well I don't think it would take them more than a day or so to put it all back together, which is better than some of The Owners little mistakes, they are still in bits after twelve months! I am thinking we may have to shop in Tescos from now on. Shop Manager didn't seem very friendly!