Eventually Owners Daughter returned, I suspected at first that she had been off doing some shopping. The Owner was always mumbling about women and shopping, not sure what it entails but I know there is always a lot of bags involved and I thoroughly approve because I can run around for ages in amongst all the paper and have a good time.
Anyway, she got out of the car with a load of bags in her arms so I began to psych myself up for the unwrapping process. Then Owners Dad got out of the car so she had clearly managed to get to his house and back OK. I was hopeful that he may have brought Owners Dads Cat with him, last time I teamed up with him I benefitted from the proceedings with a large plate of burgers and suasages. I know it was unintentional on the part of Owners Dads Cat but, hey, get it where you can!
There was another shape in the car I could observe as I bounced around with great excitement round the lawn, the car layby (including the puddles) and the muddy garden path. Then the shape moved and got out of the car..... surely not......it couldn't be........ it was!!!!!! It was The Owner!!!!!!! I was a little concerned at first as he spent a little time looking in the direction of the field where he had disappeared to all those months ago, but I tried really hard with my welcome dance around the garden then as he came through the gate I forgot myself and jumped up. Oh dear! Muddy paw prints in the middle of his chest on his clean white shirt and he sat back in the muddy puddle by the cars. Owners Daughter was frowning loudly, if you're asking me how can you frown loudly when frowning is to all intents and purposes a silent process then you haven't seen Owners Daughter frown! Hands on hips and a furrowed brow. I was expecting a lot of grumbling from The Owner as well but he just laughed and rubbed my head and got up and wandered in to the cottage. The Owner is home! Only for the day but he is home!
Friday, 19 November 2010
Standing Guard
Now I'm getting worried that another hoomun in my life has gorn orf! Owners Daughter has been gone far too long for going and collecting Owners Dad. Well at least comparing it to the time it takes The Owner to do the journey. I shall stand guard and wait.... inside the porch! Well its raining out there, I'll get wet paws!
Bonio's!!!!!!!!!! My favourite
She does love me! Well, after the little debacle when Tesco Hoomun Yoof last delivered and also considering there was no Bonios for me I was beginning to think I was not loved! Sniff! When out of the blue, another Tesco delivery with the same Tesco Hoomun Yoof at the wheel! He did avoid the trolley which caused the problem last time and I, for my part decided to avoid rounding the corner of the cottage at too high a speed to avoid any untoward interaction this time round. Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box!. Just look what Owners Daughter had bought me. Well, OK, so strictly speaking The Owner bought them but he doesn't know that. I am a happy pooch today!
Tesco Delivery Yoof Visits
Oh I'm so sorry for not getting round to reporting on progress recently. I have been rather busy with my new found fame at the hospital, getting several, who had not had a lot to say to the world for several seasons and many reasons, to start to talk again.
The Owner and I, on our daily walks around the hospital grounds had acquired such a following of late that on one occasion, when I was there, when the nurses were changing shifts, the ward sister got quite panicked as she thought all her patients had done a runner! She came running across the gardens looking somewhat flustered, then looked relieved and at once became very firm as she chased 15 people back into the ward. This was all very amusing and a bit perplexing for those concerned as only 12 of them were patients, the other three were just waiting for a bus and came across to see what the fuss was about. Last night Owners Daughter found his card and account details for Tesco and placed an order. The order wasn't quite as large as the one they had round at the manor when Theatrical Party Organiser was there, but it still took up most of the van when Tesco Hoomun Yoof arrived to deliver. That was when the day took a down turn! He came with a mate to help him move the boxes and his mate got a big trolley thing out of the van. Now I know The Owner always has a box of Bonios in one of the boxes for me, had I mentioned that I like Bonios? So I got very excited and started running around the garden in a very excited manner. I would make a high speed appearance from round the corner of the cottage and dive through the hedge, down into the ditch and then round to do it all again. I thought that might attract some of his attention and I may get a Bonio out of him. Had I mentioned that I like Bonios? I decided to alter my course slightly on this one trip and thought that a quick once around my tree that I wee up may have been enough to get a Bonio out of them. When I rounded the corner there he was, right across the path! So I opted for the only route I could see, which was between him and his trolley. Well it was too late and I was going too fast to try any fancy manoeuvres and even this one didn't quite work. It seems that there isn't actually room for me between his legs and the trolley! Owners Daughter was already standing with her hands on her hips by the time I worked out which way was up again. But to be fair to her there was a few bags of shopping which needed clearing up and Tesco Hoomun Yoof was complaining bitterly about the state of his trousers and that he had to sit all day in them. He left with another pair of The Owners trousers and a length of baler twine to hold them up with whilst Owners Daughter put all the shopping back in bags. Well if she looked more at what she was doing and not glare at me she might get on a bit quicker! I think I am going to be in the calf sheds at the farm if anyone wants me.
The Owner and I, on our daily walks around the hospital grounds had acquired such a following of late that on one occasion, when I was there, when the nurses were changing shifts, the ward sister got quite panicked as she thought all her patients had done a runner! She came running across the gardens looking somewhat flustered, then looked relieved and at once became very firm as she chased 15 people back into the ward. This was all very amusing and a bit perplexing for those concerned as only 12 of them were patients, the other three were just waiting for a bus and came across to see what the fuss was about. Last night Owners Daughter found his card and account details for Tesco and placed an order. The order wasn't quite as large as the one they had round at the manor when Theatrical Party Organiser was there, but it still took up most of the van when Tesco Hoomun Yoof arrived to deliver. That was when the day took a down turn! He came with a mate to help him move the boxes and his mate got a big trolley thing out of the van. Now I know The Owner always has a box of Bonios in one of the boxes for me, had I mentioned that I like Bonios? So I got very excited and started running around the garden in a very excited manner. I would make a high speed appearance from round the corner of the cottage and dive through the hedge, down into the ditch and then round to do it all again. I thought that might attract some of his attention and I may get a Bonio out of him. Had I mentioned that I like Bonios? I decided to alter my course slightly on this one trip and thought that a quick once around my tree that I wee up may have been enough to get a Bonio out of them. When I rounded the corner there he was, right across the path! So I opted for the only route I could see, which was between him and his trolley. Well it was too late and I was going too fast to try any fancy manoeuvres and even this one didn't quite work. It seems that there isn't actually room for me between his legs and the trolley! Owners Daughter was already standing with her hands on her hips by the time I worked out which way was up again. But to be fair to her there was a few bags of shopping which needed clearing up and Tesco Hoomun Yoof was complaining bitterly about the state of his trousers and that he had to sit all day in them. He left with another pair of The Owners trousers and a length of baler twine to hold them up with whilst Owners Daughter put all the shopping back in bags. Well if she looked more at what she was doing and not glare at me she might get on a bit quicker! I think I am going to be in the calf sheds at the farm if anyone wants me.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
My weekend resolution which I shall carry forth for ever more, NEVER, EVER, TRUST A HOOMUN! Owners Daughter was upstairs doing whatever she does every morning before she "faces her public" as she tells me every morning. When suddenly sh calls down the stairs, "Jack, come on, come up here"! Well The Owner doesn't let me up there normally so she immediately went up in my opinion as I bounded excitedly up the stairs. When I got to the top she invited me into the bathroom and then closed the door behind me. What was she doing?!?! She told me what a good boy I am which I know already and then picked me up, what is she doing I thought. Are my legs not working? They were when I ran up the stairs! Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no! That smells of lavenders! Yuk & Phew! She put me in the bath and washed me, told me I would smell nice afterwards. Well she was lying, I smell of lavender now (Yuk & Phew!). My only consolation in it all is that I got out twice and that bathroom is now going to take more than a little to clean it again. She thinks she has bought my loyalty again with two Bonios. I of course took them from her, but if anyone wants me I shall be round at the manor in their boot room!
The Dummy Stick Throwing Routine
Small Boy was brought up to go and see his Dad (The Owner) at the hospital, which had it's advantages. I managed to offload the last of my little indiscretions prior to The Owner returning!
We were both taken to the hospital and I hopped out of the car quickly before Strange Woman could get the lead on me. Some people are so easy it is almost embarrassing really. So I took Small Boy with me round to the window into The Owners ward, I take this route because I don't want to slip and slide too much on the floors and I have a certain sense of responsibility here and I knew that this would also limit the possibilities for Small Boy to have an "Ooops" moment. The Owner saw me and jumped up quick to let me in and then saw Small Boy. Now I am not sure what goes on here coz his eyes started leaking again, the same as they did when I first turned up and pretty much when everyone turns up really. The Owner managed to stop his eyes leaking and Silent Grumpy Man uttered his only language again "Oijackcumere" and laughed a lot then we all went out for a walk around the gardens. The Owner, Me, Small Boy, Owners Daughter, Strange Woman, Strange Woman in Wheelchair and today for the first time Strange Woman with Zimmer Frame. She has always given me a particularly wide berth since my first visit when I managed to divest her of several surgical devices after sliding on the slippery floors. Small Boy decided to help and make a frame to carry these surgical devices for her out of some bandages, sticking plaster and a bedpan but not to worry, we found a carrier bag to put all the leftover bits in. The process roughly goes that they all pretend to throw a stick and drop it behind them and laugh loudly as I pretend to look for said stick in large heap of leaves that Gardener Hoomun has raked up again from last time. They have fun, I play in the leaves.....,. It works! OK! I did have to share my heap of leaves with Small Boy this time, but I managed.
We were both taken to the hospital and I hopped out of the car quickly before Strange Woman could get the lead on me. Some people are so easy it is almost embarrassing really. So I took Small Boy with me round to the window into The Owners ward, I take this route because I don't want to slip and slide too much on the floors and I have a certain sense of responsibility here and I knew that this would also limit the possibilities for Small Boy to have an "Ooops" moment. The Owner saw me and jumped up quick to let me in and then saw Small Boy. Now I am not sure what goes on here coz his eyes started leaking again, the same as they did when I first turned up and pretty much when everyone turns up really. The Owner managed to stop his eyes leaking and Silent Grumpy Man uttered his only language again "Oijackcumere" and laughed a lot then we all went out for a walk around the gardens. The Owner, Me, Small Boy, Owners Daughter, Strange Woman, Strange Woman in Wheelchair and today for the first time Strange Woman with Zimmer Frame. She has always given me a particularly wide berth since my first visit when I managed to divest her of several surgical devices after sliding on the slippery floors. Small Boy decided to help and make a frame to carry these surgical devices for her out of some bandages, sticking plaster and a bedpan but not to worry, we found a carrier bag to put all the leftover bits in. The process roughly goes that they all pretend to throw a stick and drop it behind them and laugh loudly as I pretend to look for said stick in large heap of leaves that Gardener Hoomun has raked up again from last time. They have fun, I play in the leaves.....,. It works! OK! I did have to share my heap of leaves with Small Boy this time, but I managed.
The Big Green Electric Box
Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box!! I had been out on a post lunch patrol and as always I ventured past the pond just in case there was water back in it. I had to stop and do a double take of the situation. Where the manhole cover is that Tanker Driver Hoomun has, I believed, been emptying the pond from, were two vans and a lot of wires and switches and stuff. Electrician Hoomun and Electrician Yoof were busy putting a new big green box full of electric in beside the manhole. Clearly the problem had been that the old box had run out of electric! Silly me had been blaming everyone when no-one had thought of checking to see whether there was any electric left in the old box. They seemed alright to me anyway as they box gave me a bit of biscuit for my troubles. I will keep an eye on the situation and report back.
Silent Grumpy Man
This week has been a bit hectic with my new found purpose in life. Owners Daughter has been here and has taken me up to the hospital to see The Owner every day and The Owner seems to be a little less grumpy now.
Silent Grumpy Man who sits in the corner is now not so silent and laughs loudly at me trying to cross the slippery floors. Silent Grumpy Man is not to be confused with The Owner who is also Grumpy but grumbles a lot and so cannot be considered silent, indeed neither can Silent Grumpy Man now. And you wonder why I get confused sometimes?
I have found if I jump out of the car quick before Owners Daughter can get a lead on me I can run round the back of the ward and stand at the big glass doors that lead into the room where The Owner sits. Someone will let me in and that way I only have a few yards of slippery floors on which to cause mayhem. The Owner then takes me for a walk around the gardens along with Silent Grumpy Man who doesn't say lots just laughs loudly at everything but that is an improvement apparently. Towards the end of the week Strange Lady in Wheelchair has also been joining us in her wheelchair. You may remember I was introduced to her on my first visit when I knocked her out of it when I slid on the floors. Old Lady Zimmer Frame still keeps well away from me. Strange Lady in Wheelchair likes to pretend to throw sticks for me. Oh how we laugh at my antics as I search in vain for a stick which we all know is on the floor behind her. The first time I don't think she really knew where it went as she seemed genuinely surprised when The Owner bent down and picked it up from behind her. But realising she was on to something here she kept doing it. The Owner smiled and picked her stick up for her, Silent Grumpy Man just laughed loudly at it and I had great fun jumping around in a heap of leaves that Gardner Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about, having just swept them all up. Owners Daughter just stood there with her hands on her hips frowning a lot at the daily growing ensemble.
Silent Grumpy Man who sits in the corner is now not so silent and laughs loudly at me trying to cross the slippery floors. Silent Grumpy Man is not to be confused with The Owner who is also Grumpy but grumbles a lot and so cannot be considered silent, indeed neither can Silent Grumpy Man now. And you wonder why I get confused sometimes?
I have found if I jump out of the car quick before Owners Daughter can get a lead on me I can run round the back of the ward and stand at the big glass doors that lead into the room where The Owner sits. Someone will let me in and that way I only have a few yards of slippery floors on which to cause mayhem. The Owner then takes me for a walk around the gardens along with Silent Grumpy Man who doesn't say lots just laughs loudly at everything but that is an improvement apparently. Towards the end of the week Strange Lady in Wheelchair has also been joining us in her wheelchair. You may remember I was introduced to her on my first visit when I knocked her out of it when I slid on the floors. Old Lady Zimmer Frame still keeps well away from me. Strange Lady in Wheelchair likes to pretend to throw sticks for me. Oh how we laugh at my antics as I search in vain for a stick which we all know is on the floor behind her. The first time I don't think she really knew where it went as she seemed genuinely surprised when The Owner bent down and picked it up from behind her. But realising she was on to something here she kept doing it. The Owner smiled and picked her stick up for her, Silent Grumpy Man just laughed loudly at it and I had great fun jumping around in a heap of leaves that Gardner Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about, having just swept them all up. Owners Daughter just stood there with her hands on her hips frowning a lot at the daily growing ensemble.
Silent Grumpy Man
This week has been a bit hectic with my new found purpose in life. Owners Daughter has been here and has taken me up to the hospital to see The Owner every day and The Owner seems to be a little less grumpy now.
Silent Grumpy Man who sits in the corner is now not so silent and laughs loudly at me trying to cross the slippery floors. Silent Grumpy Man is not to be confused with The Owner who is also Grumpy but grumbles a lot and so cannot be considered silent, indeed neither can Silent Grumpy Man now. And you wonder why I get confused sometimes?
I have found if I jump out of the car quick before Owners Daughter can get a lead on me I can run round the back of the ward and stand at the big glass doors that lead into the room where The Owner sits. Someone will let me in and that way I only have a few yards of slippery floors on which to cause mayhem. The Owner then takes me for a walk around the gardens along with Silent Grumpy Man who doesn't say lots just laughs loudly at everything but that is an improvement apparently. Towards the end of the week Strange Lady in Wheelchair has also been joining us in her wheelchair. You may remember I was introduced to her on my first visit when I knocked her out of it when I slid on the floors. Old Lady Zimmer Frame still keeps well away from me. Strange Lady in Wheelchair likes to pretend to throw sticks for me. Oh how we laugh at my antics as I search in vain for a stick which we all know is on the floor behind her. The first time I don't think she really knew where it went as she seemed genuinely surprised when The Owner bent down and picked it up from behind her. But realising she was on to something here she kept doing it. The Owner smiled and picked her stick up for her, Silent Grumpy Man just laughed loudly at it and I had great fun jumping around in a heap of leaves that Gardner Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about, having just swept them all up. Owners Daughter just stood there with her hands on her hips frowning a lot at the daily growing ensemble.
Silent Grumpy Man who sits in the corner is now not so silent and laughs loudly at me trying to cross the slippery floors. Silent Grumpy Man is not to be confused with The Owner who is also Grumpy but grumbles a lot and so cannot be considered silent, indeed neither can Silent Grumpy Man now. And you wonder why I get confused sometimes?
I have found if I jump out of the car quick before Owners Daughter can get a lead on me I can run round the back of the ward and stand at the big glass doors that lead into the room where The Owner sits. Someone will let me in and that way I only have a few yards of slippery floors on which to cause mayhem. The Owner then takes me for a walk around the gardens along with Silent Grumpy Man who doesn't say lots just laughs loudly at everything but that is an improvement apparently. Towards the end of the week Strange Lady in Wheelchair has also been joining us in her wheelchair. You may remember I was introduced to her on my first visit when I knocked her out of it when I slid on the floors. Old Lady Zimmer Frame still keeps well away from me. Strange Lady in Wheelchair likes to pretend to throw sticks for me. Oh how we laugh at my antics as I search in vain for a stick which we all know is on the floor behind her. The first time I don't think she really knew where it went as she seemed genuinely surprised when The Owner bent down and picked it up from behind her. But realising she was on to something here she kept doing it. The Owner smiled and picked her stick up for her, Silent Grumpy Man just laughed loudly at it and I had great fun jumping around in a heap of leaves that Gardner Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about, having just swept them all up. Owners Daughter just stood there with her hands on her hips frowning a lot at the daily growing ensemble.
It's Warm in the Cottage Again!
This week has been a cold one outside, but guess what? I have been warm!! Owners Daughter has been staying whilst she gets the cottage ready for the return of The Owner. I have been up to the hospital every day with Owners Daughter to see The Owner which has been fun, we have been out in the gardens walking and throwing sticks and fetching them.
He throws, I fetch, there has been a break in his training but we are doing well again on the he throws - he fetches training when I get fed up and wander off in search of a crust from the gardeners lunch behind what remains of the greenhouses. We have been restricted to throwing soft toys now, as there is only one greenhouse left and the man that supplied the pot plants inside the hospital has withdrawn from the contract until after The Owner has been sent home again. One old man who has lived there for ages and never spoken to anyone has laughed at me every time I try and cross the shiny floor and he even spoke today. He said "Oicumerejack!", not sure what language he speaks, he maybe from Devizes. Owners Daughter has been cleaning up at home which was a good thing coz she is a little easier to deal with than The Owner when they find his jackets and jumpers in my bed in the bootroom. Bad thing is, I now have to ask to go out as she keeps shutting the back door, grumbling about the cold and the draught. I've managed perfectly alright with the door open these last few weeks! I think she comes from Bournemouth so she may not be used to the outdoors. But now I think about it she does grumble a lot, must get it from The Owner!
He throws, I fetch, there has been a break in his training but we are doing well again on the he throws - he fetches training when I get fed up and wander off in search of a crust from the gardeners lunch behind what remains of the greenhouses. We have been restricted to throwing soft toys now, as there is only one greenhouse left and the man that supplied the pot plants inside the hospital has withdrawn from the contract until after The Owner has been sent home again. One old man who has lived there for ages and never spoken to anyone has laughed at me every time I try and cross the shiny floor and he even spoke today. He said "Oicumerejack!", not sure what language he speaks, he maybe from Devizes. Owners Daughter has been cleaning up at home which was a good thing coz she is a little easier to deal with than The Owner when they find his jackets and jumpers in my bed in the bootroom. Bad thing is, I now have to ask to go out as she keeps shutting the back door, grumbling about the cold and the draught. I've managed perfectly alright with the door open these last few weeks! I think she comes from Bournemouth so she may not be used to the outdoors. But now I think about it she does grumble a lot, must get it from The Owner!
The Owner!!! I've found The Owner!!!!!!!!
Well I have to report yesterday as being a little strange. First, Owners Daughter turns up and takes me out in her car. Now I like going out with her in the car coz I get to ride in the front seat with the window down which The Owner never allowed me to do. We turned up at a strange hospital in town and met Daughter Diesel Dog Owner there as well.
Small Boy would have made the entire family, but he wasn't to be seen and I couldn't hear any loud crashes or bangs so he presumably wasn't there at all. Then I get put on my lead and taken into the hospital. Now, in the manor you remember the trouble I had with slippery floors? Well this place had floors like mirrors and try as I might I could not stand up properly and immediately managed to separate one old lady from her wheel chair and another from her zimmer frame which did have a bit of a comedy element to it but no one except Daughter Diesel Dog Owner found it funny and Nurse frowned at her a lot as she picked two old ladies up and re-attached them to their various devices. We walked down a corridor and, oh mercy, found a carpet to walk on as we entered a room. Oh dear! More shiny floors! There in the corner, sat in a chair, was a man wearing a bath robe. Well he looked like The Owner, but The Owner doesn't have a robe at all and this one wasn't grumbling so it couldn't be him! Then Station Nurse came in, not sure why she is called Station Nurse because I didn't see any buses or trains on the way in, Man In The Corner started grumbling at Station Nurse when she told him that he had some visitors. He is grumbling! It is The Owner! What's he doing in hospital? Don't care! So I did my silly run around the room....... forgot the slippery floors............oh dear! Many nurses were called to put them all back in their chairs and re-attach them all to their various devices and a gardener was also called to re-pot what to me looked suspiciously like another ancestral aspidistra. But it worked! The Owner was laughing and Owners Daughter was standing there looking at him with her hands on her hips and frowning as she does when he does something she doesn't approve of. Daughter Diesel Dog Owner was asked to leave with me then but The Owner came outside with me and walked around the gardens. It was great fun as he threw sticks for me! I'm not sure that he should have thrown them that close to the greenhouses though. There was a very large crash came from one of them, not sure if it was from the stick or whether Small Boy was there after all. I'll let you know.
Small Boy would have made the entire family, but he wasn't to be seen and I couldn't hear any loud crashes or bangs so he presumably wasn't there at all. Then I get put on my lead and taken into the hospital. Now, in the manor you remember the trouble I had with slippery floors? Well this place had floors like mirrors and try as I might I could not stand up properly and immediately managed to separate one old lady from her wheel chair and another from her zimmer frame which did have a bit of a comedy element to it but no one except Daughter Diesel Dog Owner found it funny and Nurse frowned at her a lot as she picked two old ladies up and re-attached them to their various devices. We walked down a corridor and, oh mercy, found a carpet to walk on as we entered a room. Oh dear! More shiny floors! There in the corner, sat in a chair, was a man wearing a bath robe. Well he looked like The Owner, but The Owner doesn't have a robe at all and this one wasn't grumbling so it couldn't be him! Then Station Nurse came in, not sure why she is called Station Nurse because I didn't see any buses or trains on the way in, Man In The Corner started grumbling at Station Nurse when she told him that he had some visitors. He is grumbling! It is The Owner! What's he doing in hospital? Don't care! So I did my silly run around the room....... forgot the slippery floors............oh dear! Many nurses were called to put them all back in their chairs and re-attach them all to their various devices and a gardener was also called to re-pot what to me looked suspiciously like another ancestral aspidistra. But it worked! The Owner was laughing and Owners Daughter was standing there looking at him with her hands on her hips and frowning as she does when he does something she doesn't approve of. Daughter Diesel Dog Owner was asked to leave with me then but The Owner came outside with me and walked around the gardens. It was great fun as he threw sticks for me! I'm not sure that he should have thrown them that close to the greenhouses though. There was a very large crash came from one of them, not sure if it was from the stick or whether Small Boy was there after all. I'll let you know.
The hospital
The day started well, the sun was warm as I had a quick patrol of the manor gardens and went down and found my new best mate Adge the Badge. There was a rather inviting dollop of badger poo down near the set, just ripe for rolling in, but I resisted.
I've only had a quick roll just the once since I have been part time living at the manor and frankly it wasn't worth it. Dinner was thrown outside in my dish and I was not allowed to cross the threshold and The Owner isn't there to hosepope me down to make me clean again. Now I know that ordinarily it is a bone of contention between The Owner and me but after having to put up with it for three days my initial delight was starting to wear off. Anyway I was sat on the front steps to the manor steaming gently in the morning sun from the dew when I heard Manor Hoomun come down the stairs to let me in. Then he said something strange, "Someone special wants to see you today Jack!" Well I thought maybe Robbie Williams was coming down from his house but then Owners Daughter turned up, fetched my lead from the cottage and after having a cup of tea with Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun during which there was much serious conversation, she put me in her car and off we went. Now I like cars, they are my favourite, but I haven't been in one since The Owner went off, so it was nice to see the village and places like that from a slightly higher vantage point again. She took me off to town and to the hospital, not the hospital where The Owner has been when he gets bandaged up from time to time but a different one. I'm not really too sure what's going on here, this is a strange place, but I have to turn the laptop off now while we are here so I will have to tell you more later.
I've only had a quick roll just the once since I have been part time living at the manor and frankly it wasn't worth it. Dinner was thrown outside in my dish and I was not allowed to cross the threshold and The Owner isn't there to hosepope me down to make me clean again. Now I know that ordinarily it is a bone of contention between The Owner and me but after having to put up with it for three days my initial delight was starting to wear off. Anyway I was sat on the front steps to the manor steaming gently in the morning sun from the dew when I heard Manor Hoomun come down the stairs to let me in. Then he said something strange, "Someone special wants to see you today Jack!" Well I thought maybe Robbie Williams was coming down from his house but then Owners Daughter turned up, fetched my lead from the cottage and after having a cup of tea with Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun during which there was much serious conversation, she put me in her car and off we went. Now I like cars, they are my favourite, but I haven't been in one since The Owner went off, so it was nice to see the village and places like that from a slightly higher vantage point again. She took me off to town and to the hospital, not the hospital where The Owner has been when he gets bandaged up from time to time but a different one. I'm not really too sure what's going on here, this is a strange place, but I have to turn the laptop off now while we are here so I will have to tell you more later.
The green canvass bag
The weekend had been going swimmingly, new best friend, offloaded a load of misdemeanour's on to him. Met Vic R again, The Owner is rumoured to have been found. Party last night which I got fed at and another party tonight.... and that's where it all went wrong!
Having a background of being bred as a gun dog and being trained on Lord Bath's estate (had I mentioned that?) The Owner used to keep me in trim by sending me on a ridiculous chase after a canvas bag stuffed with heaven knows what. Well tonight, round at the manor, they had all had a little to drink and were throwing stuff for me to retrieve and then rewarding me with little treats of sandwiches and caviar and stuff like that. Not sure about the caviar but the sandwiches were good. I did try some of that fizzy stuff in a dark green bottle but the bubbles went up my nose and made me burp.
Anyway, it was an easy mistake to make I thought. There was this little green canvas bag, a little bigger than I am used to I admit but it was green and canvas so I picked it up and ran off across the lawns with it. Yes, I know there was a bit of rope attached but I thought it would sort itself out and everyone was laughing at me and cheering me on so I ran faster with it. It's funny how you don't notice " Go Jack Go!" change to "oh no Jack no!" and then to "NO JACK NO!!!!!!!!!!", when caught up in the fun of it.
Well, when the nice men turn up to take the tent down in the morning they won't have a lot to do now but the caterers may have to wait for half an acre of canvass to be lifted up before they can get at the remains of the food.
I'll be in the boot room at the cottage if anyone wants me!
Having a background of being bred as a gun dog and being trained on Lord Bath's estate (had I mentioned that?) The Owner used to keep me in trim by sending me on a ridiculous chase after a canvas bag stuffed with heaven knows what. Well tonight, round at the manor, they had all had a little to drink and were throwing stuff for me to retrieve and then rewarding me with little treats of sandwiches and caviar and stuff like that. Not sure about the caviar but the sandwiches were good. I did try some of that fizzy stuff in a dark green bottle but the bubbles went up my nose and made me burp.
Anyway, it was an easy mistake to make I thought. There was this little green canvas bag, a little bigger than I am used to I admit but it was green and canvas so I picked it up and ran off across the lawns with it. Yes, I know there was a bit of rope attached but I thought it would sort itself out and everyone was laughing at me and cheering me on so I ran faster with it. It's funny how you don't notice " Go Jack Go!" change to "oh no Jack no!" and then to "NO JACK NO!!!!!!!!!!", when caught up in the fun of it.
Well, when the nice men turn up to take the tent down in the morning they won't have a lot to do now but the caterers may have to wait for half an acre of canvass to be lifted up before they can get at the remains of the food.
I'll be in the boot room at the cottage if anyone wants me!
Sunday, 10 October 2010
The Christening
Well today I have a new best friend! Yesterday was a busy one round at the manor when Party Organiser Hoomun turned up and was very theatrical, I think I ought to refer to her as Theatrical Party Organiser Hoomun from now on. She was as theatrical taking all the goodies out of the cupboards as she was putting them in the cupboards when Tesco Yoof delivered them in the week.
Then these nice men turned up and put up an enormous tent on the lawns. I say nice men because they all gave me the crusts from the sandwiches that Lady Manor Hoomun took out for them. Enormous tent smelled a bit musty when they had put it up so I tried to help make it smell a bit better by weeing up the door post but it was not appreciated and they all chased me off. All the family turned up just after lunch for a 'christening'. Not sure what one of them is so I tagged along when they all went off to try and get some idea what a christening was and whether I should have an opinion on the matter. When we got there, guess who we met? Vic R was there and wearing a long white dress too! He kept flicking water at me and saying things like, "Bless you". Well I wasn't finding this at all funny and thought that an opinion may have been in order but before I could express it he picked up one of the grandchildren and started pouring water over her head. She, sure as heck had an opinion on the matter and they couldn't shut her up so they all went back to the manor and stood around in the tent whilst Theatrical Party Organiser gave everyone sandwiches in a very theatrical manner. It was when some of the Hoomuns were standing up and talking at great length to everyone else and everyone else was applauding politely that my new best friend made an appearance. A badger from the set in the paddock came under the side of the tent, presumably looking for sandwiched and cakes as well and caused a right old rumpuss with kids running and ladies standing on chairs and men trying to be all heroic (as long as it didn't involve getting too close to Badger). I did my bit to save the day and went along and cleared up the spillages as Badger was causing them and I was getting all the praise for being brave. As he is now mny newest best friend I think I shall henceforth refer to him as Adge The Badge, I managed to get him blamed for one or two other of my indiscretions at the same time as well. I thought it right to return the favour and as Reg was away I went and left the potting shed door open so he could get at the bird nuts and judging by the shouting from down there this morning I think he may have found them. They keep telling me The Owner has been found but I haven't seen him as yet but I will keep you posted.
Then these nice men turned up and put up an enormous tent on the lawns. I say nice men because they all gave me the crusts from the sandwiches that Lady Manor Hoomun took out for them. Enormous tent smelled a bit musty when they had put it up so I tried to help make it smell a bit better by weeing up the door post but it was not appreciated and they all chased me off. All the family turned up just after lunch for a 'christening'. Not sure what one of them is so I tagged along when they all went off to try and get some idea what a christening was and whether I should have an opinion on the matter. When we got there, guess who we met? Vic R was there and wearing a long white dress too! He kept flicking water at me and saying things like, "Bless you". Well I wasn't finding this at all funny and thought that an opinion may have been in order but before I could express it he picked up one of the grandchildren and started pouring water over her head. She, sure as heck had an opinion on the matter and they couldn't shut her up so they all went back to the manor and stood around in the tent whilst Theatrical Party Organiser gave everyone sandwiches in a very theatrical manner. It was when some of the Hoomuns were standing up and talking at great length to everyone else and everyone else was applauding politely that my new best friend made an appearance. A badger from the set in the paddock came under the side of the tent, presumably looking for sandwiched and cakes as well and caused a right old rumpuss with kids running and ladies standing on chairs and men trying to be all heroic (as long as it didn't involve getting too close to Badger). I did my bit to save the day and went along and cleared up the spillages as Badger was causing them and I was getting all the praise for being brave. As he is now mny newest best friend I think I shall henceforth refer to him as Adge The Badge, I managed to get him blamed for one or two other of my indiscretions at the same time as well. I thought it right to return the favour and as Reg was away I went and left the potting shed door open so he could get at the bird nuts and judging by the shouting from down there this morning I think he may have found them. They keep telling me The Owner has been found but I haven't seen him as yet but I will keep you posted.
Fan Mail has arrived
Postman has delivered again. To me!!!! My secret admirer has sent me doggie chews again.... to me!!!! All we need now is his grumpiness to return and the equilibrium has been restored. Has anyone seen The Owner?
Party Organiser Hoomun
I think this weekend may be one to be avoided at the manor and I shall keep a low profile and stay in the cottage. Tesco Hoomun Yoof came today and made a delivery, now when he delivered to The Owner he would unload a few boxes. Inside one of them somewhere was always a Bonio (had I mentioned that I like Bonio's?).
So I overcame my natural suspicion of him and allowed him or sometimes a her onto the premises. Well today Tesco Hoomun Yoof arrived at the manor and unloaded the whole van full! I did check to see if there was the odd Bonio in the boxes somewhere but could not find one anywhere, so he has gone back on my list of people to be suspicious of and I felt justified in having a quiet low grumble at him as he passed by. I felt I had made my point. With that much food delivered I am guessing that it is not just the two of them this weekend. A strange lady who I think was called Party Organiser arrived and became very theatrical as she unpacked all the goodies from Tesco bags, still no Bonio though so I may have to have an opinion about her as well before long. Now, the point of my story, you remember the cows getting into the manor gardens and two of them getting into Lilly's pond, well since then the pond has dropped its water level quite a lot and there have been several meetings with Cowman and Manor Hoomun down there There has been a lot of pointing and arm waving and a not insignificant amount of shouting going on, I think there may be more to follow on that story. But, significantly, the water levels in the village pond have risen as Lilly's pond levels have dropped! I am beginning to suspect that maybe they are connected and that Manor Hoomun may have been behind the whole event after all. I will keep you informed.
So I overcame my natural suspicion of him and allowed him or sometimes a her onto the premises. Well today Tesco Hoomun Yoof arrived at the manor and unloaded the whole van full! I did check to see if there was the odd Bonio in the boxes somewhere but could not find one anywhere, so he has gone back on my list of people to be suspicious of and I felt justified in having a quiet low grumble at him as he passed by. I felt I had made my point. With that much food delivered I am guessing that it is not just the two of them this weekend. A strange lady who I think was called Party Organiser arrived and became very theatrical as she unpacked all the goodies from Tesco bags, still no Bonio though so I may have to have an opinion about her as well before long. Now, the point of my story, you remember the cows getting into the manor gardens and two of them getting into Lilly's pond, well since then the pond has dropped its water level quite a lot and there have been several meetings with Cowman and Manor Hoomun down there There has been a lot of pointing and arm waving and a not insignificant amount of shouting going on, I think there may be more to follow on that story. But, significantly, the water levels in the village pond have risen as Lilly's pond levels have dropped! I am beginning to suspect that maybe they are connected and that Manor Hoomun may have been behind the whole event after all. I will keep you informed.
Cows in the Herbaceous Border.
Oh, this morning had a certain warmth in the air from where I was stood. Nothing to do with the weather you understand. That warmth which comes from the certain knowledge that there is going to be a lot of doo doo flying around and most unusually, there is little if any coming my way.
I had been for the morning patrol quite early this morning, for no other reason than the cottage is beginning to get quite cold without anyone to drive the heating controls as I cannot reach that high; so I came back to the manor to await breakfast. Lady Manor Hoomun came down and threw back the curtains to look across the manicured lawns and flower beds, at least those that the badgers haven't dug up already. Her gaze settled immediately and perhaps predictably upon the arse of a cow which was on the patio depositing another half a ton of manure across the patio furniture. I say another because it had already done so over the sundial which I fear will not be telling any time at all until a serious amount of shovelling had taken place. The roses which were enjoying a last flourish of flowering activity (yuk and phew) were eaten to the stalk by the teeth and digestive tracts of about forty ruminants who had taken the opportunity presenting itself after the somewhat inadequate gate closing skills practised by the cowman earlier that morning. Two of them had taken the opportunity for a quick soak in Lilly's pond and were getting quite tangled up in the aquatic foliage. The cowman was summoned to remove his charges from the herbaceous borders watched over by Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun who stood with a suitable frown and hands on hips whilst he did so. I, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity presenting itself from someone else's misfortune, found a suitably disapproving look of my own to add to Cowman's discomfort. I feel today is going to be a good day! Has anyone seen The Owner please?
I had been for the morning patrol quite early this morning, for no other reason than the cottage is beginning to get quite cold without anyone to drive the heating controls as I cannot reach that high; so I came back to the manor to await breakfast. Lady Manor Hoomun came down and threw back the curtains to look across the manicured lawns and flower beds, at least those that the badgers haven't dug up already. Her gaze settled immediately and perhaps predictably upon the arse of a cow which was on the patio depositing another half a ton of manure across the patio furniture. I say another because it had already done so over the sundial which I fear will not be telling any time at all until a serious amount of shovelling had taken place. The roses which were enjoying a last flourish of flowering activity (yuk and phew) were eaten to the stalk by the teeth and digestive tracts of about forty ruminants who had taken the opportunity presenting itself after the somewhat inadequate gate closing skills practised by the cowman earlier that morning. Two of them had taken the opportunity for a quick soak in Lilly's pond and were getting quite tangled up in the aquatic foliage. The cowman was summoned to remove his charges from the herbaceous borders watched over by Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun who stood with a suitable frown and hands on hips whilst he did so. I, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity presenting itself from someone else's misfortune, found a suitably disapproving look of my own to add to Cowman's discomfort. I feel today is going to be a good day! Has anyone seen The Owner please?
Nunky Hoomun Visits
The Owners Uncle, Nunky Hoomun has been for the weekend and he took me shooting clay pigeons, I mean, how can I retrieve them, they keep getting broken?
You've got to give a dog a chance in these matters and leave me some bits of clay pigeon big enough to bring back!
Uncle Eric
Manor Hoomun's family came to The Manor for lunch yesterday, so fear of getting further dressed up by the grandkids I made and early morning departure to go on patrol and widen my search for The Owner. Often on a Sunday he would go to the cafe up by the main road, so after a quick canter up across the downs I arrived and sat outside by his favourite table watching in case he came for coffee.
It was all going well, although The Owner was still nowhere to be seen, with people coming up and saying hello, until some old lady told Cafe Owner that there was a stray dog outside! Me, a stray dog! I have breeding I do! She walked like a camel anyway. Cafe Owner shoo'd me off so I wandered back to The Manor which is when things took a bit of a turn for the worse. I sat in the boot room out of the way, kept myself to myself until nearly lunch time when the smell of roast beef dragged me out. An ageing Aunt I have not met before was sat there nursing this strange looking cat thing that growled at me, I chose to ignore it but it persisted, so I wandered off between all the legs of those drinking sherry in the hallway including Vic R who I haven't seen since the Church Fete. I took a very careful route across the floor to avoid sliding into the ancestral aspidistra when Strange Cat suddenly launched itself at me and slid across the polished floor leaving claw marks as it went and straight into the stand at the end where Uncle Eric's mortal remains have been placed into a new urn. His eternal rest being unexpectedly disturbed for the second time in only a few days!
The Owner has been reported seen working in Crewe B&Q wearing bright orange overalls and going under the name of 'Bob'. I'll keep you informed.
It was all going well, although The Owner was still nowhere to be seen, with people coming up and saying hello, until some old lady told Cafe Owner that there was a stray dog outside! Me, a stray dog! I have breeding I do! She walked like a camel anyway. Cafe Owner shoo'd me off so I wandered back to The Manor which is when things took a bit of a turn for the worse. I sat in the boot room out of the way, kept myself to myself until nearly lunch time when the smell of roast beef dragged me out. An ageing Aunt I have not met before was sat there nursing this strange looking cat thing that growled at me, I chose to ignore it but it persisted, so I wandered off between all the legs of those drinking sherry in the hallway including Vic R who I haven't seen since the Church Fete. I took a very careful route across the floor to avoid sliding into the ancestral aspidistra when Strange Cat suddenly launched itself at me and slid across the polished floor leaving claw marks as it went and straight into the stand at the end where Uncle Eric's mortal remains have been placed into a new urn. His eternal rest being unexpectedly disturbed for the second time in only a few days!
The Owner has been reported seen working in Crewe B&Q wearing bright orange overalls and going under the name of 'Bob'. I'll keep you informed.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Police Hoomuns Conclusions
Well yesterday we had the brightest of Wiltshire Constabulary combing the village and asking all kinds of incisive questions. Most of them were ridiculous and some were very insulting towards The Owner and I had to have an opinion on the matter.
One Police Hoomun had to go and requisition a new pair of boots from their stores after I wee'd up them after I was forbidden from giving him a quick nip for a particularly disparaging comment about The Owner. Later they called in Police Dog (Hello! Nearly three weeks after The Owner disappeared?) who rushed about full of self importance barking a lot, until he slipped his collar and then we had a good game of chase around the cricket pitch much to Dog Handler Hoomun's distress. At one point he was so red in the face as he was bellowing at Police Dog I thought he was going to explode. It was a good game but I suspect he may be sent to his boot room when he gets home. Today they have issued the result of their extensive enquiries, "The Owner is missing". Well that has cleared up any doubt then. We can all rest a lot easier on our Cozy Cushions now then can't we. I think I may need to extend the range of my patrols a little in search of clues as to his whereabouts. Has anyone seen The Owner?
One Police Hoomun had to go and requisition a new pair of boots from their stores after I wee'd up them after I was forbidden from giving him a quick nip for a particularly disparaging comment about The Owner. Later they called in Police Dog (Hello! Nearly three weeks after The Owner disappeared?) who rushed about full of self importance barking a lot, until he slipped his collar and then we had a good game of chase around the cricket pitch much to Dog Handler Hoomun's distress. At one point he was so red in the face as he was bellowing at Police Dog I thought he was going to explode. It was a good game but I suspect he may be sent to his boot room when he gets home. Today they have issued the result of their extensive enquiries, "The Owner is missing". Well that has cleared up any doubt then. We can all rest a lot easier on our Cozy Cushions now then can't we. I think I may need to extend the range of my patrols a little in search of clues as to his whereabouts. Has anyone seen The Owner?
Police Hoomuns are in the Village
There have been Police Hoomuns all up and down the village today asking all kinds of questions about The Owner and I have to say I am not particularly impressed with the kind of questions some of them were asking and even less so with some of the answers that were being given! I have made notes, expect reprisals!
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
The Maze
Sorry for my absence for most of the day yesterday, it was an enforced one over which I had little control. I now realise that Old Reg the Paper Boy is also the one responsible for cutting the hedges in the Manor. Until now I had only ever been aware of the noise of the hedge cutter at this time of the year and not who was behind it, my view being blocked by a hedge twelve feet high.
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
The Ming Vases
I was up early this morning, anxious to make amends for the misunderstanding at Lilly's pond last night. Another reason is that I couldn't sleep for the taste of pond water in my mouth! However, my morning patrol of the farm and surrounding areas went well and I came back more than a little damp from the heavy dew.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
Lilly's Pond
Harrumph! I am back in the boot room at the cottage tonight, I thought it best! I had been fed - in The Manor. You notice how I capitlise the name just to add an air of gravitas. So having been fed, I went for a leisurely patrol of the gardens so as not to arouse suspicions over my suspicions about the pond water showing up in the concrete pond at the far end of the gardens.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
The Dirty Concrete Pond
The Owner has still not come back and I begin to wonder if it was just one too many of my unusual smells or something. Now that I am a part time resident at The Manor I feel a little more able to include the grounds in my patrols of the farm and I have something rather interesting to report.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
I'm back!
Thank you all for your concerns and welcome back. It is a very troubling time, has anyone seen The Owner? His tea mug still sits where he left it, with green mould now growing out of the top of it, well I can't work the dishwasher! I have patrolled daily across the hills in search of him, well ok there is a very interesting badger carcass up there to be fair, but The Owner is my primary cause for concern at the moment.
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
I have been unable to report from The Manor, it appears that Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun don't do computers. I did search the downstairs for one but was unable to find anything. There may be one upstairs and although The Owner doesn't normally let me upstairs here, I didn't fancy my chances there either. Nothing to do with Manor Hoomun's rules, just with the amount of polished wood on that grand staircase I didn't fancy my chances of getting to the top and staying the right way up! I also didn't fancy my chances of remaining a welcome visitor if there was any repeat of the famous ancestral aspidistra incident either. You should see the size of the boot room in there as well! I was completely spoilt for choice as to which corner I should drag my duvet into for my bed each night. You could have fitted the entire cottage in there!
WE HAVE ELECTRIC
Yesss! We have electric! Owners Daughter came to see me and gave me some Bonio's and some feed so all is nearly well with the world again... well my world anyway. I've been ok, they took me in at the Manor which was good of them but those shiny floors? Oh man! The paws go one way and legs the other every time I tried to walk across them.
I'm afraid the hereditary ancestral aspidistra was a victim to my slight instability on polished floors. After apparently 100 years with the same plant they were due to replace it I would have thought. More later, much to do now I have electric. Has anyone seen The Owner? He still hasn't been seen!
I'm afraid the hereditary ancestral aspidistra was a victim to my slight instability on polished floors. After apparently 100 years with the same plant they were due to replace it I would have thought. More later, much to do now I have electric. Has anyone seen The Owner? He still hasn't been seen!
The Last Post!
I've been on a patrol all round the farm; followed where I last saw The Owner heading through the morning mist and have come back home. Not a sign of him! The house is cold and except for the noise the electric metre is making all is quiet. I know The Owner does something to the meter when it makes that noise but I have no idea what or even if paws and claws can manage it! I'll go on another patrol later and see if I ca
He's not at The Pub
I have been to the pub to look for The Owner and got thrown out of there for not having a lead (pub rules) and a stroppy boxer dog wanted to pick a fight with me. I have breeding I do, I don't do pub brawls! The Owner wasn't there, so I came back to the farm to see if he was at the office but that was all locked up and quiet as a mouse inside. I am getting very worried now, he has missed his second mug of tea, breakfast, his mid morning sherry and now his Sunday lunchtime drink at the pub!
Has anyone seen The Owner?
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Has Anyone seen The Owner?
It's now nearly lunchtime and The Owner hasn't returned! I notice he has closed his bedroom window, the first time since I have lived here with him and there's only two pounds on the electric meter. I daren't go and patrol looking for him in case he comes back. It's pouring down with rain, but I will stand firm and await his return.
Has anyone seen The Owner?
The Owner goes Walkabout
It was a normal start to the morning, that is to say normal for this household. Before the sun came up I heard Old Reg the paper boy throw The Owners Sunday paper at the front door from the gate, he's done that since I mistook him for one of the cyclists in brightly coloured shorts and top who frequent our road on a Sunday morning and provide me with great sport. Then I hear the loo flush upstairs and The Owner comes grumbling down the stairs to put the kettle on. Everything was perfectly normal. He sat there reading his paper shouting at no one in particular with some angry or witty repost depending upon the type of story he was reading. Normality would then have involved a second mug of tea, a rant at The Andrew Marr show and then we would have gone for our walk around the farm and a further attempt on my part top educate The Owner on the subtleties of badger poo rolling. But this morning, first mug of tea finished, he put his boots on. I thought we may be in for an early walk and then go out somewhere, that's what normally happens when he puts his boots on before his second mug of tea on a Sunday. But without so much as a bye or leave and without putting his trusty tatty Barbour on, he shuffles off through the misty morning field without me! Its now been raining for over an hour and I still haven't seen him come back. His behaviour has worried me more than a little of late and this even more so!
My confrontation with Blue Van Man & Tall Trailer Hosepipe Hoomun
Well I think I made some significant progress today. There I was shuffling back up to the office after lunch, actually it was The Owner who was doing the shuffling, I was flitting energetically from sniff to sniff. Back at the office The Owner was brewing for another shouting match with the computer screen and the water cooler which he seems to think may have sprung a leak, so I guess there then follows at some point a shouting match with Lady Water Cooler Office Girl, but that may yet happen another day. In order to get away from the noise I took myself off for a quick patrol and particularly to keep an eye on the pond. Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! Behind me, yes behind me was the blue van, with a man hole cover up and a hose pipe in it and two men doing things! Well this needed further investigation so I went closer but they saw me. I think they were trying to divert my attention when Tall Hosepipe Trailer Hoomun gave me a Bonio. Well of course I had to accept but I kept a very watchful eye on them. It appeared to me they were putting water in the manhole but it didn't get very full and I checked the pond later and it did appear to be empty again. This detective lark is quite complicated, I think I may have to go back to looking for dead badgers and deer. I can feel a headache coming on. Speaking of which I need to go and check on The Owner.
Monday, 30 August 2010
The Blue Van Man
Aha! Now I am getting the picture! The water level in the pond was down again this morning when out on patrol, but look what I found there! With that long hose thingy on his trailer he MUST be the one behind the disappearing water. I have yet to work out what it does, that hose trailer on the back of his big blue van but I am feeling quietly confident I have found the culprit. I am not sure what the significance is of his van being blue. The Owner has a somewhat disparaging opinion of white vans generally and shouts at them a lot. That is until the White Van Man gets out of his van and walks back to speak with The Owner and it is at that point that The Owner starts looking behind him and tutting loudly. I need to find out if he has an opinion on Blue Van Man but I am beginning to suspect that when I unveil him as the water thief, the whole village will have an opinion on the matter. I will keep you informed!
Nieces Visit
The Owner's Niece came to see us yesterday, not sure how she managed it, she came up from the south and arrived from the north end of the village! So Niece brought this funny Black Little Girl Dog with her and I just couldn't work her out at all.
I took Black Little Girl Dog for a walk around the farm, to show her some of the things she may have found interesting, like badger poo and stuff like that and was she interested in it? No not a bit! I took her up the hill to my big black bath and showed her how to get in and how to splash around and stuff like that and particularly how to get The Owner very wet when you leap out again - not interested! I thought she may have been interested in a bit of cow poo rolling. No, not interested! However she did rather like eating the cow poo which Niece was particularly disgusted with and I thought may have been sick, not tried that myself though. I think she may need a bit more instruction yet in the art of being a Labrador.
I took Black Little Girl Dog for a walk around the farm, to show her some of the things she may have found interesting, like badger poo and stuff like that and was she interested in it? No not a bit! I took her up the hill to my big black bath and showed her how to get in and how to splash around and stuff like that and particularly how to get The Owner very wet when you leap out again - not interested! I thought she may have been interested in a bit of cow poo rolling. No, not interested! However she did rather like eating the cow poo which Niece was particularly disgusted with and I thought may have been sick, not tried that myself though. I think she may need a bit more instruction yet in the art of being a Labrador.
The Hussey
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My goodness! We've had days of rain and I have been getting quite wet sat in the hedge guarding the pond, waiting for Tanker Driver to return. Then this morning, on our journey in to work (I call it a journey, but for The Owner it is really more of a shuffle) there it was! In the bottom of the pond! A foot of water! I feel I should have heard from the boot room if Tanker Driver had been during the night. Maybe I just slept too soundly? I will try to keep my ear to the ground and listen better tonight. Earlier this afternoon whilst The Owner was shouting at his computer screen about the England cricket teams shortcomings all was otherwise quiet. When without warning and giving the impression of a whirlwind, The Hussey launched herself through the door at me. The bitch is possessed! She came through the door and jumped on me, flinging her every womanly wile upon my person. The Owner jumped to my rescue in his biggest display of activity all day (he will have to go and have a lie down now) and tried his best to protect me. Keeper came flying through the door as well and grabbed The Hussey and dragged her from me. It was all very messy for a while and I now have a soggy ear. It just ruins my coiffure!
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
There's Water in The Pond
It was only moments after five this morning when he came grumbling down the stairs. How do I know this? Coz HE has to have the old grandfather clock boing boinging all night long "To add a sense of time to the cottage". He has a nice little digital clock on the cooker that adds all the sense of time you need to the cottage and it does so quietly!
HE can't hear it from his bedroom, however this piece of torture equipment is right outside the boot room door. Tick tock tick tock boing boing! I have already planned to wee up it enough to cause it to rot and then fall over. A bit long term I know but you have to be a bit subtle sometimes. Anyway, he grumbles around the kitchen and makes a cup of tea and then goes for the next stage in his morning ritual of shouting at the telly whilst watching BBC Breakfast News, except its too early even for them, so he falls asleep. Well that made good use of the early start then didn't it! When he did eventually wake up again he spent far too long getting ready, all I do is a quick shake and wipe my ears with my paws and we're ready to face the world. After more rain last night and yesterday there are so many posts to wee up as you would imagine. I was having to pace myself for fear of running out before we got to the office. As we passed the pond I noticed that someone had thrown a bottle in during the night and I marked that down for exploring later in the day and carried on. I was half way towards the farm when it suddenly dawned on me, it was floating! The bottle was floating! There was water back in the pond! There was room for more, agreed, but I think Tanker Driver must have come back in the night and put some back. I frankly don't believe all that nonsense from The Owner about tables made of water, it was definitely Tanker Driver and I shall be hiding in the hedge today and watching for him to return with more water. I will keep you informed!
HE can't hear it from his bedroom, however this piece of torture equipment is right outside the boot room door. Tick tock tick tock boing boing! I have already planned to wee up it enough to cause it to rot and then fall over. A bit long term I know but you have to be a bit subtle sometimes. Anyway, he grumbles around the kitchen and makes a cup of tea and then goes for the next stage in his morning ritual of shouting at the telly whilst watching BBC Breakfast News, except its too early even for them, so he falls asleep. Well that made good use of the early start then didn't it! When he did eventually wake up again he spent far too long getting ready, all I do is a quick shake and wipe my ears with my paws and we're ready to face the world. After more rain last night and yesterday there are so many posts to wee up as you would imagine. I was having to pace myself for fear of running out before we got to the office. As we passed the pond I noticed that someone had thrown a bottle in during the night and I marked that down for exploring later in the day and carried on. I was half way towards the farm when it suddenly dawned on me, it was floating! The bottle was floating! There was water back in the pond! There was room for more, agreed, but I think Tanker Driver must have come back in the night and put some back. I frankly don't believe all that nonsense from The Owner about tables made of water, it was definitely Tanker Driver and I shall be hiding in the hedge today and watching for him to return with more water. I will keep you informed!
Monday, 23 August 2010
Abandoned on the Cricket Pitch
Yesterday, as previously reported the weather was good here and The Owner took some cans of beer and after the suggestion of a hoomun friend of his grabbed one of the picnic chairs left after a barbecue at the cottage in preference to him sitting on the floor and fidgeting through the entire match.
Armed with his new best friend, the picnic chair, and a pack of Fosters, he deposited himself just outside the boundary under the tree to watch the match. It was not long before these early mornings he has been inflicting on himself and me started to take their toll as his eyes became as heavy as his beer can, which he dropped as he fell asleep. It was a good match with plenty of boundary shots and other stuff and I had learned my lesson from previous matches and despite the fact that I think the home team really needed my help I refused to pick up the ball and take it back to the bowler for them. To be honest, The Owner saw none of it after slumber overtook him completely. They finished their game and The Owner was still sat in his picnic chair, under the tree, sound asleep surrounded by the foam from his fallen can of beer. They packed up the wicket and cleared all the boundary markers and The Owner was still sat in his chair asleep! So they all laughed loudly as they jumped in their cars and rushed off up to the pub to celebrate another sound defeat and left The Owner still in his chair and still very much asleep. Well that left me with a dilemma, should I go with them up to the pub and try and scrounge a morsel from an empty crisp packet or two, should I stay loyally by his side and run the risk of copping the flack when he wakes up with a stiff neck and is looking for someone to blame, or should I go home and see if I can sort myself out some tea? I opted for the tea at home but after an hour and the clouds were beginning to gather on the horizon I thought I ought really to go and check on him. Anxious not to get too much flack I sat by the gate into the field and waited. The gathering clouds having gathered and were now looking for someone to dump their contents upon, settled upon The Owner and dumped in some style. He eventually came round and realised that the rain was near monsoon levels so shuffled off home grumbling, dragging his chair and beer cans behind him. The good thing was he then fed me! Two meals in one night! Result!
Armed with his new best friend, the picnic chair, and a pack of Fosters, he deposited himself just outside the boundary under the tree to watch the match. It was not long before these early mornings he has been inflicting on himself and me started to take their toll as his eyes became as heavy as his beer can, which he dropped as he fell asleep. It was a good match with plenty of boundary shots and other stuff and I had learned my lesson from previous matches and despite the fact that I think the home team really needed my help I refused to pick up the ball and take it back to the bowler for them. To be honest, The Owner saw none of it after slumber overtook him completely. They finished their game and The Owner was still sat in his picnic chair, under the tree, sound asleep surrounded by the foam from his fallen can of beer. They packed up the wicket and cleared all the boundary markers and The Owner was still sat in his chair asleep! So they all laughed loudly as they jumped in their cars and rushed off up to the pub to celebrate another sound defeat and left The Owner still in his chair and still very much asleep. Well that left me with a dilemma, should I go with them up to the pub and try and scrounge a morsel from an empty crisp packet or two, should I stay loyally by his side and run the risk of copping the flack when he wakes up with a stiff neck and is looking for someone to blame, or should I go home and see if I can sort myself out some tea? I opted for the tea at home but after an hour and the clouds were beginning to gather on the horizon I thought I ought really to go and check on him. Anxious not to get too much flack I sat by the gate into the field and waited. The gathering clouds having gathered and were now looking for someone to dump their contents upon, settled upon The Owner and dumped in some style. He eventually came round and realised that the rain was near monsoon levels so shuffled off home grumbling, dragging his chair and beer cans behind him. The good thing was he then fed me! Two meals in one night! Result!
The Water Table
Forgive the slight blur on my picture but I thought it leant itself to a better image of frantic action, which there was! I was becoming a bit concerned about the continued lack of water in the pond and particularly after listening to The Owner the other night so I felt a more thorough search of the pond for the leak was in order. One evening last week The Owner was looking out of the window, glad that the rain was providing a further excuse not to get out and cut the lawns, when he sighed as he poured himself another very large sherry and said, "Well at least it will lift the water table enough to help the ponds!". Now I've sat and thought about that and I've snoozed whilst contemplating that, but try as I might I cannot get my head around it. How on earth do you build a table out of water?!?!? And how will that help the pond?!?!?!? And how do you lift a table made only of water???!?!? I think I need to select a particularly succulent Bonio and take to my bed for another nap whilst I consider this further. Still haven't found the leak in the pond though.
The Hussy comes to Visit
The other night, just before we went home for my tea, The Keeper from the farm, who is my mate, arrived to go and do his evening patrol of the farm. No need for him to do it as well, I do enough patrolling for the both of us but he seems to need to feel he's doing something constructive. On this occasion he had brought his little spaniel bitch who smelled particularly gooooood! Well, god forbid! The bitch was all over me! The Owner had to drag her off me!!!!! I kinda wished he didn't but you know how these owners get sometimes. So he took her back and put her in Keepers car and then had to drag me home. Man, did he grumble that night. I just wanted to go back and see if she was still up there looking for me! The following morning, when it was time for work, now I know what you're going to say, "let him open the door first", but I was so keen to get down to the farm and wait to see if the hussy turned up again that I ran straight into the front door as soon as The Owner put his hand on the latch to open it. I did have to stagger a bit whilst I regained my composure before I was ready to meet the world. Of course The Owner had no sympathy, he kept going around with his finger pressed against his nose and laughing at me. I think he looked like a camel! I spent the rest of the day watching in case she came back to see me. My friend Keeper is not so much my friend now, he turned up to patrol the farm the following night without her! Well he can patrol his own farm himself without my assistance from now on, I think he walks like a camel too!
Badger!
First thing this morning The Owner did his usual routine. Come down the stairs (grumbling to himself) put the kettle on, (still grumbling) put the tea in the pot (more grumbling), let me out and then feed me (lots more grumbling, this time about the price of dog food) and then whilst I go up the garden he shuffles off to put the telly on and grumble at the BBC news team.
This morning it was still stuck on CBBC so there was a lot of grumbling going on. I went up the garden as normal and imagine my surprise and pleasure when I came to realise that a badger had left a dollop of poo especially for me in my garden! So I rolled in it, all down one side and went rushing in to show The Owner, he didn't seem at all impressed as when I came in he ruffled the fur on my shoulder and got it all over his hand. Well he wasn't supposed to do that!!!! He sent me outside after that and I had to walk downwind of him to the office. When we got there I had to sit outside whilst he did his computer stuff and had a cup of tea, I felt sure he had the hosepipe in his mind for me! Postman is on holiday so we have Relief Postman this week. To be fair, I didn't see him come up the track so hadn't time to prepare a suitable repost. Suddenly there he was and made a big fuss of me. He was far too polite to say anything but I don't think he was too impressed with the badger poo that was now all over his hands and as he retreated down the track he was seen to be looking at his hand and then trying to wipe it on his trousers. I was set about by The Owner with the hose pipe soon after, I think he derives far too much pleasure from that hosepipe and the yard broom! Later in the day The Owner's mate came in for a coffee and was complaining about how the post today had a very strange smell about it and had we noticed. I felt it was time to slip unnoticed out of the door and go on a quick patrol around the farm.
This morning it was still stuck on CBBC so there was a lot of grumbling going on. I went up the garden as normal and imagine my surprise and pleasure when I came to realise that a badger had left a dollop of poo especially for me in my garden! So I rolled in it, all down one side and went rushing in to show The Owner, he didn't seem at all impressed as when I came in he ruffled the fur on my shoulder and got it all over his hand. Well he wasn't supposed to do that!!!! He sent me outside after that and I had to walk downwind of him to the office. When we got there I had to sit outside whilst he did his computer stuff and had a cup of tea, I felt sure he had the hosepipe in his mind for me! Postman is on holiday so we have Relief Postman this week. To be fair, I didn't see him come up the track so hadn't time to prepare a suitable repost. Suddenly there he was and made a big fuss of me. He was far too polite to say anything but I don't think he was too impressed with the badger poo that was now all over his hands and as he retreated down the track he was seen to be looking at his hand and then trying to wipe it on his trousers. I was set about by The Owner with the hose pipe soon after, I think he derives far too much pleasure from that hosepipe and the yard broom! Later in the day The Owner's mate came in for a coffee and was complaining about how the post today had a very strange smell about it and had we noticed. I felt it was time to slip unnoticed out of the door and go on a quick patrol around the farm.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
The Squidger's Demise
This morning was quite a sedate affair, nothing out of the ordinary. I got fed, then let out up the garden for a quick patrol of the perimeter and then back in doors where The Owner had made himself a cup of tea. I did my quick little dance to see if I could elicit a dish of sweet tea for myself but to no avail as The Owner grumbled off to the living room and sat down.
He picked up the TV remote which rather childishly refers to as "The Squidger" (see, I was right, it isn't a word! The spell checker doesn't like it.) and switched on the TV to watch the BBC Breakfast News. Normal behaviour is to grumble at the presenters about "poor diction" or "slovenly standards" and to shout angrily at any politician who feels brave enough to show their faces on the screen and this morning was no exception. He even became extremely animated when "That Slime Ball Peter Mandelson" appeared on the screen. The morning was normal! The he said those words which have great significance, "Ah Well"! Now that can mean any of many different things and the skill comes in working out which and therefore an appropriate course of action from me. This morning the Ah Well I took to me mean he was going to get ready for work which was a cause for great excitement as it had been raining over night and there was much weeing up posts to be done, so I jumped up and ran across to where he was sitting and put my paws on the edge of the seat. Unfortunately that was where "The Squidger" was and I managed to change channels as I knocked it off the seat. That was a mere inconvenience but it was the plop that followed which caused the problem as it dropped into his mug of tea. The Squidger seems unable or unwilling to do anything now and he is stuck on the CBBC channel until we can go and get a new one. I get the feeling that Sponge Bob Square Pants is not going to cut it for this evenings entertainment. I may opt for the spot behind the barbecue for snoozing this evening. Is it due to rain?
He picked up the TV remote which rather childishly refers to as "The Squidger" (see, I was right, it isn't a word! The spell checker doesn't like it.) and switched on the TV to watch the BBC Breakfast News. Normal behaviour is to grumble at the presenters about "poor diction" or "slovenly standards" and to shout angrily at any politician who feels brave enough to show their faces on the screen and this morning was no exception. He even became extremely animated when "That Slime Ball Peter Mandelson" appeared on the screen. The morning was normal! The he said those words which have great significance, "Ah Well"! Now that can mean any of many different things and the skill comes in working out which and therefore an appropriate course of action from me. This morning the Ah Well I took to me mean he was going to get ready for work which was a cause for great excitement as it had been raining over night and there was much weeing up posts to be done, so I jumped up and ran across to where he was sitting and put my paws on the edge of the seat. Unfortunately that was where "The Squidger" was and I managed to change channels as I knocked it off the seat. That was a mere inconvenience but it was the plop that followed which caused the problem as it dropped into his mug of tea. The Squidger seems unable or unwilling to do anything now and he is stuck on the CBBC channel until we can go and get a new one. I get the feeling that Sponge Bob Square Pants is not going to cut it for this evenings entertainment. I may opt for the spot behind the barbecue for snoozing this evening. Is it due to rain?
Monday, 16 August 2010
Another Early Morning
He, The Owner, is beginning to worry me. This morning when it was barely light he comes grumbling down the stairs and starts clattering around the kitchen trying to put the kettle on. Eventually he has to give in and put the lights on and the earlier he does that the less pain he inflicts upon himself and the better my day will then turn out to be.
Its not the kitchen light that worries me but why is he getting up so early? Toast toasted and tea made and poured into the cup this time and not over the toast,he then starts grumbling coz Reg the Paper Boy hasn't been yet with his papers. I am on best behaviour where Reg the Paper Boy is concerned after the last incident. The Owner was presented with a laundry bill and told in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't deliver any more if I acted up again. Eventually Reg turns up with the paper and after a brief conversation about the mornings being the best part of the day The Owner made himself another cup of tea and settled down to read his paper. I don't think he had got through the headlines on the font page before his eyelids where starting to become a little heavy. I curled up on the far side of the room out of the way because I knew what would happen. Within a few minutes his hand went momentarily limp as he slipped into sleep. I say momentarily because that was the hand he had his tea in and when the hot tea spilled over his lap it suddenly wasn't very limp at all. Not yet seven in the morning and already he is on his second change of clothes! Even though I was on the other side of the room he still gave me half an accusing stare. I just hope he learnt his lesson the last time and doesn't put the cushion cover in with his trousers again. Although I liked the pinkish orange colour his trousers came out! It's now eight o clock and he's already asleep again and snoring loudly. I think I'll take myself for a walk this morning. It could be another very long day!
Its not the kitchen light that worries me but why is he getting up so early? Toast toasted and tea made and poured into the cup this time and not over the toast,he then starts grumbling coz Reg the Paper Boy hasn't been yet with his papers. I am on best behaviour where Reg the Paper Boy is concerned after the last incident. The Owner was presented with a laundry bill and told in no uncertain terms that he wouldn't deliver any more if I acted up again. Eventually Reg turns up with the paper and after a brief conversation about the mornings being the best part of the day The Owner made himself another cup of tea and settled down to read his paper. I don't think he had got through the headlines on the font page before his eyelids where starting to become a little heavy. I curled up on the far side of the room out of the way because I knew what would happen. Within a few minutes his hand went momentarily limp as he slipped into sleep. I say momentarily because that was the hand he had his tea in and when the hot tea spilled over his lap it suddenly wasn't very limp at all. Not yet seven in the morning and already he is on his second change of clothes! Even though I was on the other side of the room he still gave me half an accusing stare. I just hope he learnt his lesson the last time and doesn't put the cushion cover in with his trousers again. Although I liked the pinkish orange colour his trousers came out! It's now eight o clock and he's already asleep again and snoring loudly. I think I'll take myself for a walk this morning. It could be another very long day!
Dunking Your Toast
We got of to a bad start this morning. The Owner came banging down the stairs first thing and put the kettle on and then let me in the house. He fed me and then set about making himself some toast and put lots of butter on it. So far it had gone well! Then he went to pour the tea into his cup, picked up the pot in one hand and the tea strainer in the other.
I couldn't help but think that he may have been better off putting both of those things over the cup but instead started to pour the tea over his toast. It took him several seconds to realise what I thought was a very obvious mistake! There then followed several minutes of cursing and swearing and very noisy cutting of more bread. The toaster which can be very temperamental clearly had recognised the gravity of the situation and co-operated when the bread was put in and the buttons were pressed. Once the toast was made for the second time and the tea poured, into the cup this time, The Owner shuffled off up stairs with it to bed again. Perhaps hoping it would be better starting the day again. I went outside for a quick patrol and discovered it was raining very hard, puddles everywhere! After a while I thought I ought really to try and bring a smile to his face after such a bad start to the day so, even though I am not allowed to, I went upstairs on my return to the cottage and clambered up on to his bed to let him have a cuddle. I thought that was one way to make him feel a bit better. He didn't seem to appreciate the trouble I went to and complained very loudly about muddy paws and wet fur. In fact there was nearly as much swearing as there was when he poured the tea in the wrong place. You just can't help some people can you? I think I will leave him to it.
I couldn't help but think that he may have been better off putting both of those things over the cup but instead started to pour the tea over his toast. It took him several seconds to realise what I thought was a very obvious mistake! There then followed several minutes of cursing and swearing and very noisy cutting of more bread. The toaster which can be very temperamental clearly had recognised the gravity of the situation and co-operated when the bread was put in and the buttons were pressed. Once the toast was made for the second time and the tea poured, into the cup this time, The Owner shuffled off up stairs with it to bed again. Perhaps hoping it would be better starting the day again. I went outside for a quick patrol and discovered it was raining very hard, puddles everywhere! After a while I thought I ought really to try and bring a smile to his face after such a bad start to the day so, even though I am not allowed to, I went upstairs on my return to the cottage and clambered up on to his bed to let him have a cuddle. I thought that was one way to make him feel a bit better. He didn't seem to appreciate the trouble I went to and complained very loudly about muddy paws and wet fur. In fact there was nearly as much swearing as there was when he poured the tea in the wrong place. You just can't help some people can you? I think I will leave him to it.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
The Owner's Evening Visitor
Last night The Owner had a Lady Hoomun come to see him. I've seen her before in some of the groups of his friends but he told me that this was a "Private matter". When she turned up I did my best to make her feel welcome by rolling on my back and doing the silly run, out round the tree and back and other stuff like that.
The Owner made them both a mug of tea and they sat down. Well this was normally my time for a fuss so I rolled over The Owners lap and stuffed my nose under his hand to try and attract his attention. So The Owner shut me in the dining room. It was obviously a misunderstanding so I went through the kitchen and stuffed my nose on the back door of the boot room and went outside and round the cottage and in the front door and back to where The Owner was sat. It seems that it wasn't a misunderstanding as I was promptly put back in the dining room and both doors were shut this time. Harumph! After a while The Owner came in to make another pot of tea and so let me go up the garden, he had obviously forgiven me I felt, so I went quickly up to the woods (because I needed to, alright?!) and then came running back down, across the patio, through the boot room, through the kitchen, through the dining room, down the hall way building speed all the way and then did my silly run twice round the living room carpet. I thought that would make him smile a bit! I did notice he looked quite peeved so I went faster. It would seem that the cards and paper across the living room carpet didn't require muddy pawprints, or reshuffling, and were apparently quite important. Neither did the two tea mugs require knocking over. Lady Hoomun left soon afterwards, I guess, although it is a little difficult to hear properly what is going on in the rest of the house when you're shut in the boot room.
The Owner made them both a mug of tea and they sat down. Well this was normally my time for a fuss so I rolled over The Owners lap and stuffed my nose under his hand to try and attract his attention. So The Owner shut me in the dining room. It was obviously a misunderstanding so I went through the kitchen and stuffed my nose on the back door of the boot room and went outside and round the cottage and in the front door and back to where The Owner was sat. It seems that it wasn't a misunderstanding as I was promptly put back in the dining room and both doors were shut this time. Harumph! After a while The Owner came in to make another pot of tea and so let me go up the garden, he had obviously forgiven me I felt, so I went quickly up to the woods (because I needed to, alright?!) and then came running back down, across the patio, through the boot room, through the kitchen, through the dining room, down the hall way building speed all the way and then did my silly run twice round the living room carpet. I thought that would make him smile a bit! I did notice he looked quite peeved so I went faster. It would seem that the cards and paper across the living room carpet didn't require muddy pawprints, or reshuffling, and were apparently quite important. Neither did the two tea mugs require knocking over. Lady Hoomun left soon afterwards, I guess, although it is a little difficult to hear properly what is going on in the rest of the house when you're shut in the boot room.
The Cow with a Calf
It is raining here ever so hard and apart from The Owner getting very wet on the way home for lunch because he didn't believe the forecast and didn't take a jacket with him to work this morning, I actually quite like the rain. You understand that my concern about The Owner's well being is only borne from the knowledge that he will get wet, then cold and then grumpy. The down side of all the rain and stuff is that all y efforts at weeing up post, trees and other bits and bobs all get undone as it gets washed away. So on the way home I nearly ran out of wee and only just managed to find enough to do the tree on the front path to the cottage. It was a bit of a struggle! On the walk back despite the fact that it is still raining and everything had been washed away again I was unable to repair the damage and so at the moment my territory is largely unprotected. This leaves me feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. So the walk back to work was a more straightforward process than I would normally have done; until I got to the paddock by the old barn! Can we have a few dramatic chords at this point? In the paddock is a cow with two young calves, only a few days old, so I wandered up the grass bank for a closer look at mother and child. Then I saw it! What on earth is going on here? Is this right?
The Garden Gate
Tonight, by the time we got home from the office, you'll be pleased to know I am sure, I was feeling a lot better after my hangover. When we got in The Owner fed me and I went up the garden to the woods at the top to do what dogs do best in the woods after feeding. Ever mindful of my little "Ooops!" yesterday I made a very cautious return to the cottage taking particular care when passing the patio table. Things were going well I thought. After a while The Owner decided it was time for my evening constitutional across the fields and I was REALLY excited after having done very little all day but feel sorry for myself. We got to the front gate and The Owner opened the latch. Now I know the gate opens inwards but I forgot myself and burst forth and now the gate opens outwards. Well it doesn't really open either way now, it just sort of lays on the floor, propped up on one edge. Does anyone have any gate hinges they don't want?
Monday, 9 August 2010
I've Got a Hangover!
You may recall how yesterday I was doused in a bottle of what The Owner described as 'the finest of wines' and I was left in the boot room to clean myself up a little. Well this morning I still have a pretty pink patch on my back and side and to cap it all I have a bad headache and I don't feel well! Is this what you hoomuns have to go through after you've drunk some of this stuff? Can't imagine what would have made anyone think this was the result of a good night out. I feel grumpy as well so heaven help Postman when he arrives, I may have an opinion on the matter!
The Large Wine Glass
We've been out for most of the day, The Owner took me to a car boot sale this morning. Not sure why as he already has a boot on his car which looks perfectly good to me, but I went along with it. He went from stall to stall arguing with all of them about whether or not he could buy it cheaper, new, at the supermarket.
I made a little mistake early on in the day by weeing up the first post I came across. Well I was bursting! I didn't know it was an antique hat stand, whatever one of them is! We had to scuttle on down a few stalls quick to get away from some people who were just a little less than amused by my efforts and watched us for quite a while with their hands on their hips. A bit unnecessary I thought! All was not lost though as we found a burger van, it was not the Hoomun Lady Burgervan Owner that I know but she was ok as she gave me a sausage when The Owner wasn't looking. He seemed particularly pleased when he found a wine glass, which he told anyone who was daft enough to listen, was built to hold a whole bottle. On the way home we stopped in Tesco Shop and he bought a bottle of wine. Now usually he has a couple of empty bottles at home with expensive labels on that he fills from a plastic bottle that costs no more than £2.99 and then takes it out to his guests and lets them watch him pour it into his decanter. But, today he bought one that was worth lots of money, more than a whole months supply of Bonio's. When we got back we went and watched the cricket over the way and then came back and he started to prepare some mouldy cheeses and some slices of mouldy sausage (yuk, not touching them myself!). He fed me and I went off up the garden to the woods at the top to do what doggies do best after a meal and then came rushing back down the garden feeling relieved and well pleased with my efforts, round the corner and straight into the table he'd put out. His expensive wine, in his new glass, was on the table........... and is now all over my back! I am now in the boot room, with the door shut! He is indoors somewhere drinking more of his cheap plonk from his cheap glasses. Don't think I will be getting a Bonio tonight somehow.
I made a little mistake early on in the day by weeing up the first post I came across. Well I was bursting! I didn't know it was an antique hat stand, whatever one of them is! We had to scuttle on down a few stalls quick to get away from some people who were just a little less than amused by my efforts and watched us for quite a while with their hands on their hips. A bit unnecessary I thought! All was not lost though as we found a burger van, it was not the Hoomun Lady Burgervan Owner that I know but she was ok as she gave me a sausage when The Owner wasn't looking. He seemed particularly pleased when he found a wine glass, which he told anyone who was daft enough to listen, was built to hold a whole bottle. On the way home we stopped in Tesco Shop and he bought a bottle of wine. Now usually he has a couple of empty bottles at home with expensive labels on that he fills from a plastic bottle that costs no more than £2.99 and then takes it out to his guests and lets them watch him pour it into his decanter. But, today he bought one that was worth lots of money, more than a whole months supply of Bonio's. When we got back we went and watched the cricket over the way and then came back and he started to prepare some mouldy cheeses and some slices of mouldy sausage (yuk, not touching them myself!). He fed me and I went off up the garden to the woods at the top to do what doggies do best after a meal and then came rushing back down the garden feeling relieved and well pleased with my efforts, round the corner and straight into the table he'd put out. His expensive wine, in his new glass, was on the table........... and is now all over my back! I am now in the boot room, with the door shut! He is indoors somewhere drinking more of his cheap plonk from his cheap glasses. Don't think I will be getting a Bonio tonight somehow.
The Village Fete
The Owner arrived back from the supermarket in town clutching a little packet of something which he threw in the washing machine, along with his pink shirt and trousers and one or two other bits he'd turned pink as well. Then he opened the door again and checked through it all for anything that may have been a colour other than white then closed the door again.
He looked at it for a while, holding his chin, and then opened the door and checked for a third time, just in case. With the washing machine gently whirring in the corner the phone rang, it was Tesco, ringing to say they were sorry for their driver being late getting to him and she could be another half an hour. About half way through I saw a light bulb come on as he suddenly remembered the delivery, so he made much of how he had "been waiting in all morning for her to turn up" and "is this the way they treat their customers" etc.. Tesco Driver Lady Yoof turned up and was severely 'tutted' at for his inconvenience and immediately forgiven when she knocked his delivery charge off the bill. We went to the village fete this afternoon and he refused to take his blazer off because of a very pink shirt, even though it was too hot. The Hoomun Lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle from a hundred yards was having a big argument over what was the correct filling for a Victoria sponge with the two old sisters from the Old Rectory, so that hadn't changed since last year, they were arguing about it then! Vic R. was there with his family and I still cannot work out what Vic's surname was. The Owner was joking with him about his dog collar but my one is not white like that. I went and sat behind the burger van hopeful of a morsel or two and was not disappointed and even more so when the two sisters and the lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle etc. worked their argument up to such a pitch that they were throwing cakes at each other. I of course volunteered to clean up after them. Oh the tranquillity of village life!
He looked at it for a while, holding his chin, and then opened the door and checked for a third time, just in case. With the washing machine gently whirring in the corner the phone rang, it was Tesco, ringing to say they were sorry for their driver being late getting to him and she could be another half an hour. About half way through I saw a light bulb come on as he suddenly remembered the delivery, so he made much of how he had "been waiting in all morning for her to turn up" and "is this the way they treat their customers" etc.. Tesco Driver Lady Yoof turned up and was severely 'tutted' at for his inconvenience and immediately forgiven when she knocked his delivery charge off the bill. We went to the village fete this afternoon and he refused to take his blazer off because of a very pink shirt, even though it was too hot. The Hoomun Lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle from a hundred yards was having a big argument over what was the correct filling for a Victoria sponge with the two old sisters from the Old Rectory, so that hadn't changed since last year, they were arguing about it then! Vic R. was there with his family and I still cannot work out what Vic's surname was. The Owner was joking with him about his dog collar but my one is not white like that. I went and sat behind the burger van hopeful of a morsel or two and was not disappointed and even more so when the two sisters and the lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle etc. worked their argument up to such a pitch that they were throwing cakes at each other. I of course volunteered to clean up after them. Oh the tranquillity of village life!
The Small Boy visits with Strange Woman
Last weekend Small Boy came and spent the weekend with us and he brought his mother who I think is called Strange Woman. At least that's what The Owner keeps calling her. The woman was a whirling dervish! If it wasn't screwed down then it was put in the dishwasher or washing machine, if it was screwed down or too big for her to lift then it was hoovered and polished!
She was getting far too close to some of my toys for my liking so I took my favourite little red dragon soft toy and hid it upstairs where I'm not supposed to go. This morning it has resurfaced! It is the morning of The Village Church Fete when traditionally old ladies draw battle lines over a Victoria sponge and The Owner likes to wear his special Village Church Fete white shirt and cream coloured trousers with his blazer. So he gets them and washes them for the occasion. You're ahead of me here aren't you? My little red dragon is a pale imitation of its original self and The Owners shirt and trousers have a distinct pink tinge to them. Fortunately Strange Woman seems to have got the blame! He's jumped into the car and rushed off to town to get something to remove the colour which in itself is going to cause further problems as the Tesco Driver Hoomun Yoof is due any minute and after last weeks shouting match over the missing Bonio box (Tee hee, got away with that!) I don't think he will be feeling much like waiting at the gate for The Owner's return. The day could worsen yet as he will be looking for his funny straw hat later and I know that is behind the tumble dryer in the boot room, half chewed and full of fluff and cobwebs. I'll keep you posted.
She was getting far too close to some of my toys for my liking so I took my favourite little red dragon soft toy and hid it upstairs where I'm not supposed to go. This morning it has resurfaced! It is the morning of The Village Church Fete when traditionally old ladies draw battle lines over a Victoria sponge and The Owner likes to wear his special Village Church Fete white shirt and cream coloured trousers with his blazer. So he gets them and washes them for the occasion. You're ahead of me here aren't you? My little red dragon is a pale imitation of its original self and The Owners shirt and trousers have a distinct pink tinge to them. Fortunately Strange Woman seems to have got the blame! He's jumped into the car and rushed off to town to get something to remove the colour which in itself is going to cause further problems as the Tesco Driver Hoomun Yoof is due any minute and after last weeks shouting match over the missing Bonio box (Tee hee, got away with that!) I don't think he will be feeling much like waiting at the gate for The Owner's return. The day could worsen yet as he will be looking for his funny straw hat later and I know that is behind the tumble dryer in the boot room, half chewed and full of fluff and cobwebs. I'll keep you posted.
Oh Lordy, I am in so much trouble this afternoon! The Owner was sat at his desk absent mindedly munching on a sandwich. There was me wishing his leg would fall off or something as he hadn't given me a Bonio whilst he was eating. He says it ensures I understand who is boss if I eat after him. Huh! I know who is boss!
Well a car pulled up outside and then it all went quiet again. The door burst open and a man dressed completely in black burst through the door! Well I was terrified and The Owner didn't seem to be any happier than I was, so I felt it my duty to protect him and leapt over the desk with a lot to say on the matter. Well the man in black fell to the floor whimpering so I felt I had made my point. I think his name was Vic R. but I didn't quite catch his last name. The Owner picked Vic up off the floor and sat him on a seat and all Vic kept saying was "Oh Lord Bless me!" and "Oh my goodness!". The Owner gave me a particularly hard stare and made Vic one of his special coffee's that he only has once a day. Then Vic asked for another coffee and then another, which I felt was starting to make mountains out of what was only a little woof. After a while and when Vics hands seemed to be shaking quite badly (and I know this coz it took three attempts to get his keys in the car door) Vic was on his way. The Owner said I was going to hell for that one. Didn't quite understand what he meant by that and I am not sure where Hell is, perhaps its near Swindon somewhere, by the way he spoke about it I don't think it was going to be a very nice place so it probably is near Swindon. Either way I think I'll go up to the calf sheds for the afternoon, just in case!
Well a car pulled up outside and then it all went quiet again. The door burst open and a man dressed completely in black burst through the door! Well I was terrified and The Owner didn't seem to be any happier than I was, so I felt it my duty to protect him and leapt over the desk with a lot to say on the matter. Well the man in black fell to the floor whimpering so I felt I had made my point. I think his name was Vic R. but I didn't quite catch his last name. The Owner picked Vic up off the floor and sat him on a seat and all Vic kept saying was "Oh Lord Bless me!" and "Oh my goodness!". The Owner gave me a particularly hard stare and made Vic one of his special coffee's that he only has once a day. Then Vic asked for another coffee and then another, which I felt was starting to make mountains out of what was only a little woof. After a while and when Vics hands seemed to be shaking quite badly (and I know this coz it took three attempts to get his keys in the car door) Vic was on his way. The Owner said I was going to hell for that one. Didn't quite understand what he meant by that and I am not sure where Hell is, perhaps its near Swindon somewhere, by the way he spoke about it I don't think it was going to be a very nice place so it probably is near Swindon. Either way I think I'll go up to the calf sheds for the afternoon, just in case!
Maybe I'll Visit The Badgers
Walking to work yesterday morning The Owner was keeping a very cautious eye on those cows still, I don't think he is quite convinced about Hoomun Lady Gardener being behind them talking to him yet. Whilst he was trying to get them to answer him again with more of his intellectually stimulating repartee I went and had a quick check in the pond.
There was water in it!!!! But when we went home again later it was gone again. I am sure Hoomun Tanker Driver is behind it somehow, I'm just not sure how he is doing it. One thing is certain, I am not going to get near him again when he has that big hose with him. I can still smell it on my fur from the last time. Maybe if I go and have a roll around up near the badgers set that may be enough to mask the smell a little.
There was water in it!!!! But when we went home again later it was gone again. I am sure Hoomun Tanker Driver is behind it somehow, I'm just not sure how he is doing it. One thing is certain, I am not going to get near him again when he has that big hose with him. I can still smell it on my fur from the last time. Maybe if I go and have a roll around up near the badgers set that may be enough to mask the smell a little.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Talking Cows!?!?!
We had a gentle wander in to work this morning, out of the gate, down past the cricket pitch and past The Manor where I always stop to wee up the wall. I consider it a small statement for the workers against the capitalist elite.
In the paddock the other side of The Manor is a small field where are kept a couple of dry cows, not sure what a dry cow is as they look no different to the rest, but that's what The Owner says they are. They were stood by the railing fence this morning, waiting for us and so The Owner said "Morning Mrs Cows", as we walked past. "And Good morning to you!" came the response! The air of surprise was quite palpable at that moment as it dawned on us both that cows don't speak! They say also that dogs can't type but I, of course, have proved that wrong. So was this another of those watershed moments in the history of animal communication skills and another step further into the strange and surreal world of The Owner? With almost a tremor in his voice he stepped tentatively up to the fence and asked "Are you well this morning?". Ordinarily I pour scorn on his chat up routine and he usually gets me to break the ice with his Lady Hoomun Friends, but to be fair, what do you say next to a cow in a field that has just wished you a good morning!? "Very well thank you, and you?" came the response. The Owner was suddenly looking very peaky, with an ashen looking face and a rapidly developing stammer. "Um, not too bad - under the circumstances", came his rather feeble reply. I was feeling non the more confident about the developing scene, so I stood behind his legs and peered tentatively around the side of him. "Don't you think the dahlias are extraordinary this year?" came a further show of intelligent banter from the cow. But with that the rather jolly figure of the Lady Hoomun Gardner from The Manor popped up from behind the stone wall behind the cows. Somewhat relieved and yet taken aback by the turn of events, all The Owner could manage was a rather feeble "Quite so!" as he turned and shuffled off further in the direction of the office. When he got here he fell into his comfy chair and poured himself a very strong coffee and has been silent ever since! I didn't even get e Bonio!!!!
In the paddock the other side of The Manor is a small field where are kept a couple of dry cows, not sure what a dry cow is as they look no different to the rest, but that's what The Owner says they are. They were stood by the railing fence this morning, waiting for us and so The Owner said "Morning Mrs Cows", as we walked past. "And Good morning to you!" came the response! The air of surprise was quite palpable at that moment as it dawned on us both that cows don't speak! They say also that dogs can't type but I, of course, have proved that wrong. So was this another of those watershed moments in the history of animal communication skills and another step further into the strange and surreal world of The Owner? With almost a tremor in his voice he stepped tentatively up to the fence and asked "Are you well this morning?". Ordinarily I pour scorn on his chat up routine and he usually gets me to break the ice with his Lady Hoomun Friends, but to be fair, what do you say next to a cow in a field that has just wished you a good morning!? "Very well thank you, and you?" came the response. The Owner was suddenly looking very peaky, with an ashen looking face and a rapidly developing stammer. "Um, not too bad - under the circumstances", came his rather feeble reply. I was feeling non the more confident about the developing scene, so I stood behind his legs and peered tentatively around the side of him. "Don't you think the dahlias are extraordinary this year?" came a further show of intelligent banter from the cow. But with that the rather jolly figure of the Lady Hoomun Gardner from The Manor popped up from behind the stone wall behind the cows. Somewhat relieved and yet taken aback by the turn of events, all The Owner could manage was a rather feeble "Quite so!" as he turned and shuffled off further in the direction of the office. When he got here he fell into his comfy chair and poured himself a very strong coffee and has been silent ever since! I didn't even get e Bonio!!!!
The Incident of the Smelly Hosepipe.
I have been regarding The Owner with a particularly suspicious eye today after 'Mo the Wise' suggested the smell from the man hole where I think the lorry may be stealing the pond water from may be significant. He was clearly not wanting to arouse my suspicions that he may be behind it as he pretended to be busy at the computer all morning. When his Hoomun friend turned up for coffee I let myself out and went and sat in wait for the lorry to come back for another load of pond water that I suspect he may be hiding down the manhole. I didn't have to wait long before the lorry tanker turned up to steal another load of water and Tanker Driver busied himself with his very large hose down the manhole. I crept forward very stealthily through the bushes and waited for my moment. It smelled far worse than The Owner could possibly have managed so I suspect he may not be behind it after all. Just as Tanker Driver was pulling his hose out of the man hole I leapt, defence of my village and its pond was my only motive, with a loud bark I broke cover. Tanker Driver swung around in a sort of terror and I got covered with the contents of his pipe. Oh the smell!!! Yuk and phew just doesn't cover it. I spent an hour laying in the cattle trough to try and wash away the smell. Now, I still smell and the cattle won't go near the trough. The Owner is going to wash me down with the hose pipe next and for the first time ever I am looking forward to it! I think that may not be the pond water down there after all!
The Tanker
I think I may be on to something here. I was out this morning on a short patrol around the farm. Well really I was just trying to keep out the way because the water cooler man called this morning to the office and he surprised me as I didn't hear him drive up the track. The Postman a bit later in the morning had a piece of my mind and all in all The Owner didn't seem too pleased with me so I opted instead for a quick trip around the fields. I was just having another quick sniff around the pond looking for the water when what pulled up but this thing. I can't think that he was up to any good so I hid in the hedge and watched for the rest of the morning. He's been back twice since and drags this great big pipe out and puts it under the manhole cover. Not sure what's going on down there but it can't be any good. I'll keep you informed!
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Another Water Trough
Some of my confidence has been restored, I have found another water trough that still has water in it. I did check inside to make sure that there wasn't a bung ready to be pulled out or even some kind of syphoning device but I think it is all clear. Obviously the water thieves haven't found this one yet!
And Now The Water Trough!
I am beginning to suspect foul play here at the moment. Yesterday it was the pond water, STOLEN!!!!! I can still not find any suspects, it seems to have just vanished into thin air. Then today I went for a little ramble about the farm after lunch, I don't get any lunch but apparently The Owner deserves some, and I made a bee-line for my first option of a little aquatic adventure. Imagine my absolute horror! Empty! Not only empty but disconnected!!!! I run the risk here of wearing out the exclamation mark key if I'm not careful. I will keep you informed of any developments.
The Disappearing Pond Water
There has been a theft in the village while we were away! I managed to get out for a bit of solo rambling around the farm today, just to check on one or two things..... like dead badgers and stuff. I thought I would be a bit clever, not wanting to upset The Owner as he is in such a good mood since we have been back, so I went and visited the dead badger up on the hill first and thought I would round the trip off with a quick splash around in the pond on the way back.
Imagine my surprise, SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE WATER! I did have a good root around but it definitely isn't there. Now this left me with a bit of a problem, a very smelly shoulder and nowhere to wash it off. I thought if I bounded through the door and went straight behind the desk he wouldn't notice. The Owner didn't say anything when I got back and I thought I had got away with it, he soon got up and went outside and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yup, definitely got away with it! Then he called from outside, so I went rushing out as it was about coffee time and that always means its Bonio time, but he closed the door behind me quickly and then produced the hose pipe from behind his back.
I felt he was a little harsh with the way he used that stiff broom as well!
Back Home
We took the boat back yesterday and only had the one argument with someone who, The Owner felt, was moored where we should be and he had a minor discussion with the boatyard man who by now had heard about the sinking. The Owner threw all our stuff into the car and spun the wheels in his hast to get out of the car park. Not sure why coz I'm sure I saw him pay.
He only grumbled the once at the staff in the motorway services forecourt on our way back, about their standards of training and how they "Couldn't make a decent cup of coffee if their lives depended upon it!". We virtually crashed through the front door and he fell straight into his favourite armchair, turning the telly on and opened a beer before his bum had even hit the chair. He settled back with a sigh of relief as the very fast and noisy cars started racing very fast back to the same place. This was clearly the reason for our chase all the way home! I still don't understand the rules but then neither did the bright red cars apparently. He gave up in disgust at that point and with a fresh beer or two we went over to watch the cricket. I was very good and even when the red ball rolled right to my feet I didn't pick it up! I wanted to go up on the hill and check out that dead badger, another week on since I last visited it and it should be getting quite interesting by now. But we had to do this bonding thing and sit and watch the cricket 'together'! There was also a deer up in the woods before we went away which warranted another look by now I felt. We had a spell of this bonding once before but after a good roll in a dead badger we soon got over it.
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