Visiting Lots of Hoomun Friends

Yesterday I had a very good day! So much I did, so many people I saw, so many places I hadn't seen for far too long.

It started the previous evening when The Owner arrived back at the cottage in Phlee Dog Owner's car, but then left it out the front of the cottage and came in and went to bed. Early the following morning he was up again and he put me in the back of Phlee Dog Owner's car (I love cars, they are my favourite and I was so excited I had to wee up the gate post) and off we went, a long way, and then we picked up Diesel Dog Daughter! He drove a little bit further and then I was left in the car on my own, that was ok too as I like cars, had I mentioned that? When he returned he had not only Diesel Dog Daughter with him but Small Boy as well! Although he did smell of hospitals! We left Small Boy in the car park, I think he must have had an ooops and was being punished and in the absence of a boot room I guess the car park was next best thing. The Owner must have forgiven him as we soon went back for him and he had a bag with him this time so we all went to Owners Dad's next.

I managed to thieve some of Cat's food before The Owner chased me off so that was good. Then Horse turned up! Horse brought Owner's Sister and Mechanic too! Yet more excitement was to follow when Diesel Dog Daughter gave me a present which I was, frankly, less than enamoured with! Nail clippers for the K9! A bath one day, claws trimmed the next! This was not turning out so well! It turned out far worse for Horse when Owners Sister picked up my K9 nail clippers and turned towards Horse with a, frankly, far too gleeful look in her eye for my liking!

I offer the picture as a sort of before and after image. This was me after my nails had been trimmed and before Owners Sister pounced upon Horse. You will notice my neatly manicured claws and the somewhat unkempt condition of Horse's claws. All in all a thoroughly rewarding day, marred only by the brief incident with the nails. Oh yes, and the slightly regrettable incident with Owners Dad's sherry glass when Cat realised I was there.

Bath Time Again

That's it! I am officially over Christmas! I am over hoomuns! I am over The Owner!

The Owner, as already reported, was up in a strange frame of mind this morning. I soon learned why when he stole my comfy cushion and put it in the washing machine. The day got worse, he disappeared upstairs to "Make myself beautiful!" as he puts it. I chose a small square of carpet to curl up on in the absence of my comfy cushion whilst he was out of the way. Then suddenly I hear him calling me from upstairs. Well after my experience at Volvo Hoomun's house yesterday where I discovered that there are sometimes armchairs and stuff upstairs I was eager to check it out so went off upstairs in answer to his call. That was when I discovered his betrayal! He put me in the bath!!!! He seems to think he can justify it by telling me I smell sweeter, I think I smell like a camel. When he reached out of the bathroom door to get my towel he left a little crack in the door unguarded and I escaped. I take a little solace from being able to get dirty water sprayed up the landing walls, the stairwell walls, the dining room, the kitchen and it's probably best that I don't mention the living room here as it's appearance seems to bring on an attack of the vapours from The Owner.

Chrisssmuss Morning in Swindon

Well yesterday answered several questions in my quest to understand the hoomun condition but posed several other conundrums for which I have absolutely no explanation!

Yesterday, The Owner came down the stairs as usual, except it was without the customary grumbling, he was singing! Singing about a Silent Night, which with his nocturnal grumblings and snoring is something unheard of in these parts. When I was let out of the boot room it came as something of a shock as he was wearing a piece of tinsel! Little else as it happened, as he fumbled around in the tumble dryer for his robe which he had forgotten to take out last night. Well if that was a bad way to start the day it got better, saying far too many "Yo ho ho's" to be plausible he presented me with the remains of my kangaroo chews that were posted to me from Oztraylia and also a packet of chews from my anonymous admirer known only as BH7 (Could be Blood Hound although I don't think they are numbered). I was immediately in trouble as The Owner left both packets unguarded whilst he made himself tea. Well they were mine!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been particularly careful not to twitch in my sleep ever since so as not to give The Owner any ammunition about Skippy again! We were collected soon by Volvo Hoomun and taken to his house, which appeared to be near Swindon! I like visiting houses, even in Swindon, so I wee'd up the door post to let others know I am about and went in, where I met Lady Volvo Owner, Volvo Daughter and Mother. They fed The Owner and made him wear a paper hat which made him look quite silly but he didn't seem to mind. I have made a note that there wasn't even a sausage for me, reprisals may follow! I was then allowed upstairs!!! They didn't have beds for me to lie on with duvets and stuff upstairs but they had armchairs! Even I know that armchairs go downstairs! As I believe I may have mentioned before, anything seems to go when you are in Swindon! Compton Bassett seems a very safe place to be I think, you know where you stand when you are in Compton Bassett.

The Kangaroo Chews

The Owner is being a little uncharitable towards me today and keeps calling me Skippy!

Yesterday a big parcel arrived from Oztralia. Now I have noticed just north of here is a place call New Zealand and The Owner tells me that Oztrailia is near New Zealand so I ought to try and keep an eye open to see the signs when next we go that way. In this parcel was some K9 chews with Kangaroo on the packet. Well I have looked them up on the laptop at home and they are indeed some strange looking critters! I mean, what happened to the rest of their front legs?!! So while The Owner was out of the way, and the packet of Kangaroo chews were unguarded, I nibbled the corner of the packet and "Borrowed" one. Well they were mine!!!! Sherlock Holmes (AKA, The Owner) of course noticed straight away. How does he do that whenever I have been doing stuff he thinks I shouldn't do? Kangaroo chew inside me and telling off out of the way I opted to go and have a lie down on my comfy cushion, just for a few minutes. Well I fell asleep didn't I? Well there I was, in my dream, running through the paddock chasing Lady Chocolate Lab, when The Owner wakes me up with his laughing whilst pointing a finger at me telling me to stop twitching. Ever since he has been calling me Skippy!

I think he walk like a camel, smells a bit like one too!

Bath Time

Do you see what I have to put up with?!?!

A Tail of Two Fires

What a busy time we have had, The Owner and me! Well actually it is The Owner who has been the busy one and I have been gainfully employed in keeping out of the way as it happens. Two things, and both, strangely, to do with fire! You may remember how Toaster got a little bit over the top in trying to upset The Owner's day at the start by burning his toast , along with much of the kitchen hanging cupboards. Well, I knew it had overstepped the mark and I was right, it was unceremoniously dropped in the wheelie bin. I wee'd on the bin later to signify my wish to be seen as siding with The Owner in his decision, just in case I overstep the mark myself one day and hope that he will remember and not throw me in there as well! So a visit to B&Q was in order for new units (and a sausage from Burger Van Hoomun when The Owner wasn't watching) after a quick stop by Curry's for a new toaster! When we returned home there was much unpacking of boxes and it was all going well until he went to get his electric drill/screwdriver. Battery flat! Boxes cleared away and wine bottle produced to while away the hour waiting for the charger to do its thing. I couldn't help but wonder whether the wine was a mistake, as we now have wall units that even I can see are not level. So much so that all the cups move to one side of the cupboard and the door keeps falling open! Now, the next fire. You may recall the eviction of my woodburner and the reinstatement of the open fire, together with all the hazards associated with it, like sparks and hot embers....oh yes, and smoke! The Owner has been back to B&Q and bought some bricks and some mud to stick them together with, and a big piece of metal (and another sausage from Burger Van Hoomun, but don't tell The Owner!). After much screwing (screwdriver charged up this time and no wine!) The Owner had fixed this big piece of metal across the top of the fireplace and then mixed up some of that mud stuff in the fireplace to stick all the bricks together. I feel Lady Cleaner Hoomun may have an opinion on mixing mud indoors when she comes later in the week but we'll see. The Owner arranged all the bricks and was very upset that some of them smell of wee! Now you see why I have kept out of the way? Well it was a heap of bricks in the garden and they are usually fair game for weeing up! After much banging and mixing The Owner stood up to survey the fruits of his labours and I must admit it did look quite nice and he ruffled the hair on my head and said "There we are Jack, that should stop the smoke!". So that was what this was all about! It didn't! Now I have mud, which The Owner calls Seement, stuck in my hairs on top of my head as well and I am worried in case I am seen out and about until I can get it out of my hair!

The Owner and an Icy Morning

This morning the expression "He who laughs last laughs longest", seemed to come to mind. When we left for morning patrol I observed the first proper frost of the winter, but temporarily forgot about the effects of frost upon the water. There had been quite a lot of water laying about over night, the result of a couple of heavy showers during the evening, which the frost had turned to ice. My exitthrough the gate, with great excitement, was a somewhat ungainly affair and I ended up on my back with legs and tails going in all the wrong directions whilst The Owner laughed very loudly and pointed a lot. We continued the patrol, with me trying very hard to resist the urge to sulk over the insensitive way The Owner had behaved at my predicament and in fact was continuing to behave that way! As we got to the pond (still without water) The Owner did a kind of little hop to get over the bank by the ditch and he too stepped on ice and fell on his back and waved his legs in the air a lot. I suffered in silence whilst The Owner made much of the whole affair and has been limping and whincing with every movement, eager for someone to notice his plight and ask how he is or something. Fortunately, no-one has obliged, so he may lose interest before long. I did manage to have a quick chomp on something a bit tasty that was lying under the hedge earlier. Come coffee time, I went up to The Owner for a little affection and mainly just to let him know I was there and not to forget my Bonio (I always have a Bonio when he has his coffee) when suddenly he went a funny colour and sent me under the desk out of his way!! It was only a little burp! Hardly worth all that fuss I thought! He has been ignoring me for the rest of the day. I think he smells like a camel!

Nefyou Comes to Visit.

Last night we went "Out" again. I went and sat under the sound desk again but it wasn't The Owner's feet that appeared. When I poked my nose out, when the coast was clear, I noticed he had been left in charge of folding up raffle tickets. Presumably as some kind of admonishment for not turning the lights on when required on the previous night. Today we have had Nefyou come and visit with his mates. The Owner refers to him as Nefme as he says it makes it sound more personal and then laughs very loudly at his own joke. The first time he mentioned it last night it was mildly amusing and some fool laughed. Someone who clearly had no idea about not encouraging The Owner in such matters. Thereafter, eager to seek more praise and popularity he was telling everyone and laughing very loudly himself. He was originally left in charge of selling raffle tickets but after he had scared two kids, one old lady hoomun and dropped the money box all over the floor, he was demoted to just folding tickets. He is busy with Nefyou down at the farm filming Nefyou's mates rolling around in the dust and straw on the floor. Their Mum's are going to be really cross with them when they get back. They seemed to want me to roll around on the floor with them, well that was not about to happen!!!! I remember what I had done in that straw when on patrol during last week!!

The Loose Wires on the Sound Desk

Last night The Owner said we were going to go "Out". I wasn't too sure where "Out" was at first but it turned out to be the village hall. Not sure why it has two names. Anyway, tonight The Village Hall will be known as "Out" and when we got there and went inside (I'm not really supposed to be in there) there were all these tables and chairs set out for hoomuns to sit at and some people with lots of makeup on kept popping out from behind a curtain and behaving in a very dramatic fashion. The Owner sat at the "Sound Desk" and the "Lighting Desk". I'm not sure what one of those are either but it had lots of buttons on top and wires coming out the back and The Owner clearly thought it made him very important to have his own seat and two desks and his own light when everyone else had to sit in the dark with candles. I was told to sit under the "Sound Desk" on his bag so that I wouldn't be noticed by The Director (who sounded very important) and risk getting asked to leave. I soon worked out that when The Owner twiddled with one of his buttons and switches the lights at the front went on and off and made lots of different sounds quite loudly. I thought at first he may have been in trouble but The Director seemed generally pleased with his efforts, so it must have been alright. Things were going swimmingly as The Owner was slurping loudly at his wine glass and during the second half, he even kicked off his shoes under the table. Now in the studio that usually means he will rub my belly with his toes whilst he works, so I rolled over on to my back. One of the wires fell off the back of the desk as I did so, but I paid no attention to it and I thought no one would notice in the darkness. They were building to a very dramatic crescendo on the stage where the curtains are and they were clearly expecting something to happen at that point as they all stood around with their hands on their hips looking at The Owner who was frantically twiddling at knobs and switches as they began to harrumph a lot. The Owner, for his part was protesting loudly that he was trying to turn it on but they were having none of it. He was frantically twiddling, and they were loudly harrumphing, when the audience started sniggering, then laughing loudly and I suspected The Owner was getting quite flustered by all the attention, so I stayed under the desk. Eventually, The Director came down with an air of great authority and picked up the wire off the floor beside me, plugged it back in and suddenly all the stage was lit up again. Well I didn't know!!!! I thought Owner's Daughter could frown loudly but The Director has got the art mastered to a far greater degree from what I could see of it, although I couldn't see much as I had crept further back behind the table and out of the way. Well I wasn't supposed to be there, so I didn't want to get The Owner into any trouble, The Owner appeared to be in enough of it as it was.

The Owner's Soggy Trouser Leg

Now, I have a confession. The day was a lot more successful than I had feared. I nicked The Owner's boots to prevent him from getting blown off the bridge the other side of the cricket pitch, and then his keys to prevent him from getting blown off the bridge in Chippenham. The success was, that I managed to then get the missing items back, and then found, by The Owner, without arousing any suspicion that I may have been behind it. Now, for my confession, coz that wasn't it. I have a weakness, and The Owner has gone upstairs to change his trousers! The two things are connected. He ordered a take away and sat here and ate it. My weakness is not for sweet and sour chicken, can't stand the stuff! My weakness is not for rice, or noodles, can't see the point and the rice always gets in places I'd rather not divulge here. But he sat there with a bag of prawn crackers and I have a weakness for a prawn cracker (or two) and I, well, dribbled. Just a little! Not a lot you understand! And it just happened to be when I had my mouth above his trouser leg. He has made far too much of it in my opinion and has gone upstairs in a strop to change his trousers. Now, the good thing about being in trouble, in my opinion the best way of managing the trouble, is that you get it all over and done with in one go. You can't get into trouble when you are already in it so, well, he left his prawn crackers unguarded. Let's just say they are now not quite the prawn crackers that they were, "ex"-prawn crackers in fact, and I have taken myself off to the boot room as a precaution. More of a certainty really.

Warmer Inside!

I think I will be staying right here beside this today!

Windy Bridges

I was watching the weather forecast this morning, with The Owner, when I heard something which caused me to whirl around and look at him, looking for some kind of reassurance about what Weatherman Hoomun had just said. He said that it was going to be windy! So windy, in fact, that hoomuns should expect to get blown off bridges! Well I was about to go out on patrol when I heard this and I was understandable perturbed by what I had heard. At the far end of the cricket field there is a little bridge across the stream, now I can leap energetically across without having to use the bridge, but The Owner has to walk gently across and I really don't want to be around if he gets blown off the bridge! In fact, even if we go down behind the manor, there is still a little bridge made of railway sleepers that he will have to cross. I think I may take his walking boots and hide them somewhere, I will be in dead trouble when he finds them, but the trouble may be even worse if he gets blow off the bridge! Hopefully we will just go to B&Q instead. Oh no! I have just remembered that there is a bridge to go over the little river just the other side of town.......... and another one in Chippenham!!!!!!!!!!!! I may have to hide his keys as well!

On Christmas Lights

We are approaching that time of year again when hoomun behaviour takes some very strange twists and turns which I generally find unfathomable, more so than normal. In the village, near the pub (and I'm sure that those two facts aren't necessarily connected), some folk turn their houses into a lighting system worthy of the landing lights at Lyneham. Including having some hoomun that spends over a month all lit up sat on the roof! The down side to all this light is that when on patrol one can't have a moments peace and quiet to do - you know - doggie stuff, without being on display to the world. The Owner gets to shut himself away in the bathroom for a quiet moment reading the Sunday paper whilst he performs. I would like a few moments to myself to contemplate nature without having my activities all illuminated, but with those lights it ain't gonna happen.

So The Owner has been going around singing carols (and if I were Carol I think I'd have an opinion on the matter) and sounding generally far too full of good humour. Christmas is usually not The Owner's favourite time of the year, in fact The Owner normally uses another word in front of Christmas, one which I pretend not to understand and then Owners Daughter frowns at him very loudly and calls him Ebenezer. But all this jolliness was quite unnerving for a K9 as it would have to break at some point and this morning was it. The bread was still in the freezer and was singularly uncooperative when he tried to cut some for his toast so he managed to find just enough to cut two thin slices from the old stale loaf and put in the toaster. I think the toaster is treading on very dangerous ground at the moment, as it has developed a habit of burning his toast and this morning it did it spectacularly well, together with his fingers, the wall cupboard and his Pyrex jug and he has spent the day with his fingers bandaged and doing his best to extract every last ounce of sympathy from anyone fool enough to listen to him. I think tomorrow we are off to B&Q to get some new wall cupboards for the kitchen. I don't mind that at all as there is a burger van hoomun in the car park who I have managed to get the odd sausage or two from in the past, using the superior willpower of a K9 on matters relating to food. However I suspect the build and installation of these wall units could be a somewhat hazardous affair and may involve more bandages on fingers. I will report on proceedings over the weekend.

Exit Woodburner - Bring on the Open Fire!

Well this answers the question about what The Owner was up to yesterday I guess! We came home early from the studio yesterday and it was still daylight and The Owner made a mug of tea (with no slugs) and sat out the front of the cottage reading his paper. The Log Hoomun turned up with a load of logs. Now I was confused at this because there was nowhere to burn any logs anymore! Log Hoomun I have never really had an opinion about either way really, true, he has never brought me any Bonios, but then neither has he ever upset me and he does always make a fuss of me. But today I did have an opinion. When Log Hoomun and The Owner had unloaded all the logs and put them all in the fuel shed he let me in the back of his van.... I like cars, they are my favourite! Log Hoomun and The Owner went to the shops and The Owner bought me a box of Bonios, which incidentally The Owner has forgotten to bring to the studio this morning, so if Log Hoomun drove us to the shops for Bonios there are two reasons why I should have a favourable opinion of him. When we got back The Owner went into the fuel shed and started throwing all the logs back out again! He also started using words that I pretend not to understand, I was shocked. When he had dug down through the heap sufficiently to get under the oil tank he dived under and emerged looking triumphant with the old log fire basket. So last night we were properly toastie and I had to re-learn old skills. The art of curling up in front of a real fire and going from sound asleep to wide awake and the other side of the room quicker than saying "Bonios three times a day would be nice please!" every time the fire spits. Not completing that little task is just too painful to consider, and I have been there! Looking forward to another evening in front of the fire. Happy days!

He's Evicted MY Woodburner!!!

The Owner is up to something this morning and I have yet to understand what. I heard him come grumbling down the stairs this morning and put the kettle on, empty the tea pot and burp loudly. The excitement on my side of the door is mounting as the next stage in the process will be to open the door to the boot room and then let me up the garden to relieve the pressure a little before BREAKFAST! Nothing unusual so far you will be thinking, and you would be right. Kettle boiled, tea made, he wanders off into the lounge, more burping and...... well you don't want to know the other noises he made as he wandered off. As I am enjoying the breakfast chomp I can hear him in the lounge making noises at the wood burner. More excitement from me at the thought that the wood burner has been stoked up and will be roaring nicely when I have finished breakfast and go in to explore the living room and see what I may have missed on the lounge carpet last night that may be edible. There never is, but I live in hope. Nearly finished breakfast when I see The Owner come wandering past struggling under the weight of a big black metal box leaving a trail of dust on the carpet behind him which will probably command the attentions of that ruddy Dyson in a short while. I thought nothing of it, until I wandered into the living room..........and............no!........... IT'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That metal box he was carrying was the wood burner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is he doing????????????????? When we left for our morning patrol and the studio there was just an empty grate and a pile of ash where, until last night, was the object of much of my affection. Has he lost the plot again? I am beginning to think so!

Thoughts on a Slugs Humour

Now I know very little of the behaviour of Slug or his family but I am beginning to suspect there may be a sense of humour there somewhere. Yesterday you may recall that The Owner shared a beautiful moment with Slug, as two species met, eye to eye. The Owner responded a little harshly and threw Slug (and the mug he had slithered up to warm his belly) outside in the cold. This morning when The Owner and I arrived at the studio he threw the door open wide and strode confidently inside expecting a slug free environment. He made his new mug of tea and went and sat down at his desk as usual to examine the contents of his inbox and probably swear a lot if usual behaviour is anything to go by. I was right, he did swear a lot, but not at the contents of e-mails on his screen. There, at a pretty precise angle of forty five degrees across his mouse mat, was a silver slug trail. He is now on a mission to find the culprit and the normal clutter on the desk has all been moved, examined, and then put back in place and all to no avail as yet. I have been kicked off my comfy cushion, twice, and it has been lifted shook out and put back again. I do appreciate the humour of leaving a slimy slug trail across the mouse mat but I am getting a little tired of being moved and then re-moved as The Owner searches for Slug again. I think I may wander home and see if the wood burner is any warmer.... and free of slugs!

The Gastropod Mollusc Emerges!!

The Owner has had a less than perfect start to his day and so I am expecting mine to get worse! In recent weeks he has informed me that there has been a slug in the studio overnight. I was a little disbelieving at first as I had witnessed him going up the stairs to bed each night, I had heard him snoring away all night long and I had seen him come grumbling down the stairs again the following morning. So how could he have known? It turns out that the strange silvery marks on the carpet are not actually down to me at all, but are the "evidence" of the slugs nocturnal perambulations around the studio carpet. You would think with that much "evidence" (The Owner has been watching far too many crime dramas recently) as to where the slug had been it would be a straightforward process finding where it was. Even I couldn't find it! So each morning the carpet was further covered by the remains of a slimy trail and The Owner became more depressed that we couldn't find it. This morning he found it!! You'd have thought he would have been pleased, but oh no! There has been much huffing and puffing and yucking and I think it may be the calf sheds for me today for my own safety. We got to the studio as normal this morning and, as normal, he makes a mug of tea (I never get one unless Owners Daughter or Small Boy are here) and settles down to read his emails and other hoomun stuff. Placing his big mug on the desk beside him he absent mindedly took a sip periodically. It was during one of thise sips that I witnessed one of those beautiful moments when two species really connect. Gastropod Mollusc and Hoomun, eye to eye! It seems that Slug, as we are now on first name terms, joined by a common bond of being on the rough end of The Owners morning temper, had apparently felt that he liked the sensation of the warmth of the mug through his belly and slithered up the side of The Owner's tea mug. Slugs eyes, by his very nature, are on stalks and so were The Owner's when he realised what he was looking at and was about to take a sip from. There has been a lot of yucking over the last half an hour and the tea mug has been thrown out and so has Slug. I'll be in the calf sheds if anyone wants me.

Visiting the Stone Thing

Yesterday was a bit of a strange day really. We set off, as if on patrol, about mid morning as far as I can tell but we stayed on the roads up past the farm which left me a bit confused as normally any patrol that stays on the roads and goes past the farm is heading for the pub and as far as I can tell it was far too early for that. Even in The Owner's surreal world! Then we jumped over the hedge and across the fields. I hadn't been across here before so I had to have a few wee's up hedges and stuff, just in case The Owner got lost coming back. He was carrying something with a lot of red on with him as we went, something I also hadn't seen before. We eventually re-emerged back on to the road up near where Vic R seems to come from and went up some steps and found a big stone thing which The Owner wouldn't let me wee up. He gave me a very hard stare and I reasoned that it was probably not worth the trouble I would be in if I tried. Sometimes you get those feelings when it gets into your mind to do something, have you ever noticed? The Owner sat there for a while swinging the red round thing by his side, seemingly lost in thought until Vic R appeared and a lot of other people also carrying red things. They all stood around the stone thing whilst Vic R spoke a lot and sung a bit and then he must have said something wrong coz there was a bit of an uneasy silence for a couple of minutes and one or two seemed a bit upset by the whole thing. I have noticed this kind of behaviour when one of the two ladies from the village has passed wind and everyone tries to pretend they haven't noticed. (Except the times when someone decides it would be better to blame me for the smell wafting around.) Even The Owner stopped his grumbling for a couple of minutes. Then everyone went up and put their red things on the steps of the stone thing and then talked a lot. Now I reckon they are all going to be in trouble later as when they all left none of them thought to pick up their red things and left them on the stone thingy. Now I've seen the terrible state Church Warden gets himself in when the kids leave stuff in the churchyard that shouldn't be there and it really is not a sight for the faint hearted so when he comes and finds this little lot I feel sure he is going to have an opinion on the matter and it won't be a very positive one!

A Slug's Humour

Now I know very little of the behaviour of Slug or his family but I am beginning to suspect there may be a sense of humour there somewhere. Yesterday you may recall that The Owner shared a beautiful moment with Slug, as two species met, eye to eye. The Owner responded a little harshly and threw Slug (and the mug he had slithered up to warm his belly) outside in the cold. This morning when The Owner and I arrived at the studio he threw the door open wide and strode confidently inside expecting a slug free environment. He made his new mug of tea and went and sat down at his desk as usual to examine the contents of his inbox and probably swear a lot if usual behaviour is anything to go by. I was right, he did swear a lot, but not at the contents of e-mails on his screen. There, at a pretty precise angle of forty five degrees across his mouse mat, was a silver slug trail. He is now on a mission to find the culprit and the normal clutter on the desk has all been moved, examined, and then put back in place and all to no avail as yet. I have been kicked off my comfy cushion, twice, and it has been lifted shook out and put back again. I do appreciate the humour of leaving a slimy slug trail across the mouse mat but I am getting a little tired of being moved and then re-moved as The Owner searches for Slug again. I think I may wander home and see if the wood burner is any warmer.... and free of slugs!

The Owner and Slug

The Owner has had a less than perfect start to his day and so I am expecting mine to get worse! In recent weeks he has informed me that there has been a slug in the studio overnight. I was a little disbelieving at first as I had witnessed him going up the stairs to bed each night, I had heard him snoring away all night long and I had seen him come grumbling down the stairs again the following morning. So how could he have known? It turns out that the strange silvery marks on the carpet are not actually down to me at all, but are the "evidence" of the slugs nocturnal perambulations around the studio carpet. You would think with that much "evidence" (The Owner has been watching far too many crime dramas recently) as to where the slug had been it would be a straightforward process finding where it was. Even I couldn't find it! So each morning the carpet was further covered by the remains of a slimy trail and The Owner became more depressed that we couldn't find it. This morning he found it!! You'd have thought he would have been pleased, but oh no! There has been much huffing and puffing and yucking and I think it may be the calf sheds for me today for my own safety. We got to the studio as normal this morning and, as normal, he makes a mug of tea (I never get one unless Owners Daughter or Small Boy are here) and settles down to read his emails and other hoomun stuff. Placing his big mug on the desk beside him he absent mindedly took a sip periodically. It was during one of thise sips that I witnessed one of those beautiful moments when two species really connect. Gastropod Mollusc and Hoomun, eye to eye! It seems that Slug, as we are now on first name terms, joined by a common bond of being on the rough end of The Owners morning temper, had apparently felt that he liked the sensation of the warmth of the mug through his belly and slithered up the side of The Owner's tea mug. Slugs eyes, by his very nature, are on stalks and so were The Owner's when he realised what he was looking at and was about to take a sip from. There has been a lot of yucking over the last half an hour and the tea mug has been thrown out and so has Slug. I'll be in the calf sheds if anyone wants me.

Vic R Must Have Said Something

Yesterday was a bit of a strange day really. We set off, as if on patrol, about mid morning as far as I can tell but we stayed on the roads up past the farm which left me a bit confused as normally any patrol that stays on the roads and goes past the farm is heading for the pub and as far as I can tell it was far too early for that. Even in The Owner's surreal world! Then we jumped over the hedge and across the fields. I hadn't been across here before so I had to have a few wee's up hedges and stuff, just in case The Owner got lost coming back. He was carrying something with a lot of red on with him as we went, something I also hadn't seen before. We eventually re-emerged back on to the road up near where Vic R seems to come from and went up some steps and found a big stone thing which The Owner wouldn't let me wee up. He gave me a very hard stare and I reasoned that it was probably not worth the trouble I would be in if I tried. Sometimes you get those feelings when it gets into your mind to do something, have you ever noticed? The Owner sat there for a while swinging the red round thing by his side, seemingly lost in thought until Vic R appeared and a lot of other people also carrying red things. They all stood around the stone thing whilst Vic R spoke a lot and sung a bit and then he must have said something wrong coz there was a bit of an uneasy silence for a couple of minutes and one or two seemed a bit upset by the whole thing. I have noticed this kind of behaviour when one of the two ladies from the village has passed wind and everyone tries to pretend they haven't noticed. (Except the times when someone decides it would be better to blame me for the smell wafting around.) Even The Owner stopped his grumbling for a couple of minutes. Then everyone went up and put their red things on the steps of the stone thing and then talked a lot. Now I reckon they are all going to be in trouble later as when they all left none of them thought to pick up their red things and left them on the stone thingy. Now I've seen the terrible state Church Warden gets himself in when the kids leave stuff in the churchyard that shouldn't be there and it really is not a sight for the faint hearted so when he comes and finds this little lot I feel sure he is going to have an opinion on the matter and it won't be a very positive one!

The Dyson Is At It Again

Yesterday it seemed obvious from the start that someone was coming to see us. The Dyson was dragged out of hibernation from under the stairs. That put The Owner in a bad mood, I thought, straight away, and so early in the day! Well, when he put all that stuff in that cupboard I remember quite distinctly forming the opinion it may be a little unsafe to push it all in and shut the door quick, but The Owner had clearly forgotten exactly what was behind the door as he opened the door with a flourish and promptly disappeared under a deluge of odds and sods that came tumbling out. I beat a hasty retreat to my comfy cushion in case I was blamed in some way for the fall-out which was quite fortunate as it happened because I found a crumb from a discarded Bonio underneath it. The Owner started pushing my nemesis around the carpets and it confirmed some of my suspicions about its intent. On the carpet and presumably out of The Owner's gaze, was a handkerchief which the Dyson devoured with great gusto and promptly blocked the pipe. There then followed much grumbling as he removed the blockage and cleared up some of the dust and my hair for the second time in as many minutes. Minutes later it turned its attentions to some length of speaker wire which wound itself around the brushes and prompted the use of words that I pretend not to understand. Now this all did not bode well for a peaceful day, however I may have been wrong as Owners Daughter turned up and had a box of Bonio's in her car boot and perhaps a little bizarrely, two bananas! I never did discover the significance of the bananas but I am very aware of the significance of a box of Bonios. Of course the significance of a visit from Owners Daughter is that everything is turned off and not left on stand by and The Owner has been grumbling more than a little at having to get up and turn everything on again after he has settled down with the squidger which never seems as efficient at turning things on when the appliance it relates to is turned off by Owners Daughter.

Checking the Sky

After yesterday witnessing such strange goings on the other side of Swindon, which the hoomuns around there seemed to accept as perfectly normal, it has been preying on my mind and to be honest I didn't sleep a wink last night thinking about it. I watched intently as the bus picked up the kids this morning to take them to school and it certainly didn't show any signs of lifting all its wheels off the ground and heading to the moon. Yet yesterday I watched a massive bus on big legs and wheels with funny things poking out the side, which frankly would have made it impossible to get round the corner in the village by the church, take on loads of hoomuns and then jump off the ground into the sky and head to the moon with altogether far too much noise for my liking! The Owner seemed to accept it as normal as well, but that doesn't mean much as anything he does seems to fall far short of being normal as far as I can see. I didn't see the big bus come back down to the ground so I have to assume that it is still up there somewhere and I have spent much of my time today watching, just in case it comes back down here somewhere. I may need to have an opinion if it tries to land in the village!

Terminal Five!

Well, what a morning I have had already. I have been beyond Swindon and discovered that it is indeed a very strange and wondrous place! Early this morning, very early this morning, The Owner came grumbling down the stairs. It was so early that I had barely finished my dream of a bevvie of lady chocolate labs carrying me shoulder high to a secret room that had the walls stacked high with Bonio boxes. I had not yet had time to get on to the one where I gamble carefree through the meadows and wake myself up when I hit my head on my food bin in the boot room through the urgency of my twitching. I wasn't about to complain as he then fed me. Then Phlee Dog Owner turned up in his car and off we went..... past Swindon! We arrived at a place that I think was called Terminal Five, which is a very strange name for a place, then Phlee Dog Owner jumped out, grabbed his bag and ran off through the crowds and left me and The Owner in the car park! I fancied a quick patrol of the big field but I couldn't find a way through the fence and it was far too high to jump over it. As it turned out it was probably for the better as there were what I thought may have been big buses although they were very high off the ground and they had funny flat arms coming out of their sides, I don't think they would get one of them down through the village picking up the kids for school in the morning. All these people were getting on them and then they drove off, albeit a bit noisily, and then this really big one went very fast and very loudly down this big road and then suddenly the front end was pointing at the sky and it was off the ground!!!!! All of it's wheels!!! Off the ground!!!! I last saw it heading for the moon, I think! There was also a K9 called Sniffer Black Lab and he was totally out of control. He went round sniffing at all these people in a manner that most hoomuns seem to disapprove of, when I do that I usually get a sharp slap across the nose and a disapproving look from The Owner. Anyway, there was this lady hoomun with a big bag and Sniffer Black Lab went up to her and did paws and then she got tied up and taken away somewhere. When I do paws I usually expect a Bonio, I now realise that the other side of Swindon it must means something very different. I think I ought to remember that, it may come in very handy! We didn't see Phlee Dog Owner again but I think he may be very cross with The Owner when we see him again, The Owner took his car and he drove home again. I am a bit worried about those big buses still, I have been keeping a very wary eye upwards as the moon has now disappeared from the sky and the bus must be still up there somewhere looking for it. It is a very strange place the other side of Swindon and I am not keen to go again.

The Owner's New Camera!

The Owner has a new camera! Need I say more?

Halloween and all things related.

As I study hoomun behaviour, every once in a while I think I am getting the hang of it and then I get thrown another curve ball and I finish up in deeper poo, and not the kind I can get my shoulder down in either. Tonight was just such an occasion and I am now in the boot room but the back door is open so I have been able to get out and reap the spoils of my earlier misdemeanour. Top of my list of unfathomable hoomun behaviour is "Halloween". Now what's that all about then? All evening the hoomun kids from the little estate in the village have been banging on the door demanding treats from The Owner. I was understandably anxious that The Owner may have given them one of my Bonios but he did give them a little hoomun treat which was a big mistake as it turned out. Word got around and half the neighbouring towns kids from around the county were beating a path to our front door. After the fifth group of kids banging on the front door The Owner was showing signs of losing his charitable bon hommie so I thought I would help out a little and I lay in wait up the top of the garden. A car pulled up in the lay-by and I waited until they got up to the front door before I launched my charge. Silently racing through the cherry orchard, round by the satellite dish letting out my fiercest bark as I arrived in the porch....... well I didn't know he had ordered a chinese take away to be delivered did I? Chinese Delivery Yoof stood rooted to the spot in terror and dropped the bag with the take-away all over the porch floor. The Owner didn't seem pleased to see his tea all over the floor as it happens. Chinese Delivery Yoof seemed unable to understand the mistake either and he seemed to imply that The Owner may be needing to get someone else to deliver his tea in future. So as I said, I am in the boot room but the back door is open. So if you'll excuse me, I am off to have another quick lick of the front porch floor. The Owner has cleared up but I think there may be a bit more flavour to be extracted from the stone floor.

The Owner's Wet Trousers

Yesterday was not his best, The Owner I am talking about, it started out pretty much as it continued and I only fared a little better. As he closed the boot room door on me last night he was unusually comforting to me, ruffling my head as I walked past saying "Never mind old boy, perhaps we can have a better day tomorrow!". We had a certain amount of rain overnight the previous night which also continued through much of yesterday, so puddles were plentiful and deep as we left the cottage for the morning shuffle to work. He dragged the wheelie bin down to the gate and I sat just inside the gate until he had put it out in the lay-by and then he called me out. There were a couple of cars and a tractor coming from different directions, so he stood in the lay-by and waited and I sat beside him until the traffic had passed. It happened that the point where the car from out of the village and the tractor from the direction of the village was right outside the cottage and the road being not the widest road in the world, the tractor driver, without slowing, put one wheel through the edge of the lay-by. Right through the puddle as it happens! The Owner after shouting a few words that I pretend not to understand, turned and shuffled back in doors to change into a clean and dry pair of trousers and a dry coat. I on the other hand do not have that luxury, I only have the one coat, although at this time of the year I am doing my best to leave most of it over the carpet. So him with dry clothes and me leaving a trail of water on the floor wherever I walked, we left for the studio for the second time that morning. There is still no water in the pond although being the lowest point for miles it does seem to have its fair share of puddles on the road near by. As we approached the pond there was another van approaching at some speed, it was white so I felt The Owner would have had an opinion about the driver which was less than favourable. He stepped onto the grass bank to get out of the way and I did my thing and sat down beside him. White Van Hoomun drove through the puddle by the pond at great speed and I was right, The Owner did have an opinion that was less than favourable. So for the second time in less than an hour he is wet through and I am just wetter than I was previously. Being closer to the studio than the cottage and presumably because he had no more dry clothes at home, we continued our shuffle down to the studio. During the next hour or two, from the vantage point of my comfy cushion under his desk I could see The Owner's foot with water steadily dripping onto the floor. Last night it was dark when we went home and although I can see very well in the dark, I suspect The Owner can't. A car headlights appeared in the distance and he stepped sideways with the kind of steps that people make when they can't see where they are putting their feet and he stepped straight into a rather deep puddle at the edge of the road. There was much swearing and then silence for the rest of the day. I hope today is a little better for him.

The Water Bucket

Life round here this morning has been a little difficult so far. The Owner has had to change his trousers already and my duvet from my bed in the boot room is hanging on the line to dry off a little. But the good bit is that we have a lovely clean kitchen floor and the boot room looks lovely and clean. I suppose it all started last night really, the wood burner was warm and wasp free and outside it was raining and cold. To wee, or not to wee, that was the question. Not a difficult one as it turned out, if I tried to ignore it I felt I could probably last until morning and so opted for the warmth of the woodburner. By the time morning came around I was getting quite desperate, made worse as it happens by the rain overnight, with the water falling off the boot room roof into the gutter and then into the large bucket outside the back door. The bladder still hasn't recovered from the incident last year following the visit from the hounds and the sound of running water only serves to exacerbate the problem. When The Owner opened the door and let me out there was a certain sense of urgency as I ran up the garden to relieve the pressure a little. Whilst up there I could hear The Owner rummaging around in my food bin back in the boot room and so, pressure relieved, I made my way rapidly back to the cottage in anticipation of breakfast. Now this is where my morning started to unravel so early. It had been raining overnight and as I ran across the little courtyard (The Owner calls it the mews coz he wants to sound posh) I slipped a little on the wet concrete and slid straight into the big bucket full of gutter water right outside the boot room door knocking about five gallons of water over. The water hit the inside of the partly open back door which turned it neatly inside the boot room and all over The Owner. That which wasn't soaked up by my duvet or The Owners trousers , and the the boot room not really being designed as a vessel for holding five gallons of water, turned its soaking attentions on the rest of the inside of the cottage. As I said, we have a nice clean kitchen floor now, a carpet that goes squelch every time you stand on it and a duvet hanging on the line dripping. Now I am no domestic goddess, but I feel sure that won't be dry for tonight. The Owner seems less than happy with me at the moment, I might make myself scarce for a while.

The Wasp Burning Stove

The Owner tells me off frequently for bringing things in from the garden, you know the sort of thing, little treasures for burying under my comfy cushion, manky piece of wood for chewing up later and various other little delights. I am thinking at the moment he is rather wishing he followed his own advice. You may recall how yesterday there was an absence of heating oil in the tank and therefore acorresponding lack of heat in the cottage. There was also a distinct lack of logs for the woodburner in the shed rendering a distinct chill across the cottage which he was clearly not prepared to endure for another evening. I have to say that his resolve was something I heartily approved of when he came home early and spent half an hour rooting around in the woods up by the barbie looking for sufficient fodder for the woodburner for the evening. He came struggling down over the lawn dropping more wood than he was carrying and disappeared back up to the woods for a second load. It was then that he thought he had struck gold when he happened upon a big bag of charcoal left over from a barbie in the summer and came rushing back to the cottage carrying his booty with the look of a small child who had just managed to nick his big brothers favourite toy. There was furious activity in the living room with paper being ripped and wood being broken up as he laid and then lit the fire. It was about then when I noticed an advancing army across the carpet. The bag of charcoal had become the home of preference for a colony of a thousand or two wasps who had hibernated for the winter. The warmth from the woodburner and the movement of being carried from the garden seemed to have upset them somehow and they were marching across the carpet to have it out with the first thing they saw moving....me! They seemed to have altogether far too much attitude for my liking so I went for a patrol and left The Owner to it. By the time I returned, he had most of the situation under control but he has been a little restless ever since. Anything that sounds remotely like a buzzing sound seems to put him particularly on edge. I bet he wished he hadn't brought them in. I bet even more he wishes he had ordered oil and firewood!

The Bovine Dinosaurs

This evening I am cold and wet, with the imprint of The Owner's yard broom still tingling on my shoulder. For those of you with not enough original thoughts in their minds, no I have not been rolling in anything badger! The Owner had had a difficult day, I could tell by the ferocity with which he threw his mouse pen back in it's holster and his glasses across the desk. I knew we were in for an extended patrol as we always do when he throws his mouse pen like that and I was right, off we went across the fields and as we went he began to feel better. You can tell, because his grumbling got a little less verbose as we walked. The fingers of dark cloud extended lazily across the sky as the last vestiges of daylight disappeared and the world around us became cloaked in an eerie white glow. A host of celestial bodies cast their combined light across the cold slumbering world around us as we headed for the warmth of home and the promise of a long awaited belly filled with food. Well that's how it should have been except it's damn cold in here as after only the first flush of frost, the oil has run out, because he forgot to order any oil throughout the summer again. As we crossed the cricket field, with the twinkle of light from the porch lantern a welcome and almost intoxicating sight in the darkness. I ran ahead in excitement at the prospect of my tea and through the gate into the paddock, next stop, the front door! I n my excitement I had forgotten about the two barren cows in the paddock and they were lying in wait for me, either side of the gate, in the gathering darkness. Well, to say I pooped myself in terror as these two bovine dinosaurs emerged from the darkness either side of me with a loud "Moo!" would be a masterful stroke of understatement! In my panic I fell and rolled through fresh cow poo and I have to report it hasn't the same satisfaction as a good old dollop of badger poop! I am now cold, wet and in the boot room and The Owner is wandering around the cottage with three jumpers on and every once in a while he stops, looks at me, goes "Moo!" then laughs to himself as he carries on his wandering. I think he looks like a camel, he walks like one as well.

Nettles on the Nose

Today I was duped! Duped I was! By someone with no scruples! I have no idea what it means to have no scruples but The Owner always shouts that at the telly when he seems displeased with the Andrew Marr Show. Together with words like "Slimeball" and "Mandleson". I am not yet sure who duped me but I am suspecting it may have been Monkey Dog Thing as he has not yet exacted any kind of revenge for me encouraging him to wee on his lady owner's car seat some time ago and I am keeping my eyes open still. We are now past the final flush of summer and autumn is exerting it's cold and windy grip around the farm. Our nettles, which I have given a particularly wide berth since I wee'd over one and it stung my boy's bits, are mainly died down in the garden, so I don't tend to pay them any regard. Walking to the studio this morning with The Owner through the wind, which is fortunately clearing the smell of hospitals from his crusty old Barbour jacket, when a waft of a sniff caught my attention from a small patch of weeds. As you would expect from a dog of my breeding and nature it required investigation so I sniffed it. Then I sniffed it again, a bit closer this time and it was then that I discovered how I had been duped. Someone (and I suspect it to be Monkey Dog Thing) had wee'd on some nettles (Presumably from a distance.) and I had just had a good sniff at it and I had now got a very sore nose. I am thinking Monkey Dog Thing may have got his revenge.

The Owner's Been Away

What a busy few days I have had! Full of strange twists and turns. Thursday morning, The Owner and I went off on patrol as normal, BUT, we came home again and The Owner seemed a little strange. Then Bracknell Lady Hoomun turned up, now I have met her several times before and she always gives me a Bonio or two so I like her so I did my bestest little dance, but I didn't get a Bonio so I thought may have to revise my opinion of her. Then The Owner and Bracknell Lady Hoomun got in the car and drove off leaving me in doors at the cottage. I was beginning to fear they had left me as it had got dark and I was still on my own, but it wasn't quite so bad as I had tried all the chairs, cushions, beds and other bits that I am not normally allowed on. Then there was a rattle at the boot room door, in the dark. I was understandably concerned, not that we may be about to be burgled, but that I was being disturbed and I still hadn't got around to trying a snooze on Small Boys bed! It wasn't a burglar hoomun after all, it was Phlee Dog Owner and he took me off to his home, after he fed me, so he went up in my estimation straight away! The Owner still didn't come back even though everyone was drinking wine and I even slept there last night. Their boot room floor was very warm, mine isn't! Still no The Owner though. I did notice that Phlee Dog Owner wakes up after drinking wine with the same amount of grumbling as The Owner! Today, The Owner showed up again with Bracknell Lady Hoomun and he smelled of hospitals again! I haven't finished yet! When The Owner and Bracknell Lady Hoomun arrived back, in the post box was a packet marked "Amazon" and it was addressed to me, more fan mail! Now I have seen how Amazon Lady pictures have a frankly less than necessary affect on The Owner, so I was quite hopeful! So my anonymous fan from BH12 has struck again! More chewies! I shall be having a chomp on one or two of them later.

Fireman Friends

This morning I have made some new friends - Fireman! The Owner got up this morning when it was still dark. Why, was a matter of some mystery to me at first as today is a Sunday but then I realised when, with his second mug of tea, he settled down to watch the very fast and noisy cars drive all the way back to where they first came from. I worry as it is just too early for The Owner and he will betired by the end of the day. After the race was finished and all the shouting at the screen had subsided he begins to fidget. This always means trouble of one form or another and this morning was no exception. Eventually his fidgeting had reached a kind of crescendo and he jumps up and goes out to the kitchen and puts the coffee on and several rashers of bacon under the grill. Grabbing the morning paper he flops back into the settee that I am allowed on to await the smell of bacon grilling gently. Well that smell came and went as I noticed the paper slip from his grasp and fall gently to the floor. I said it was going to be too early for him didn't I? Well I wasn't about to disturb him, I was comfortable where I was! After a while the smell of grilling bacon had been replaced by thick smoke billowing from under the grill, then a kind of pop as the flames started. I found that if I kept my head down low the smoke wasn't too bad and I could snooze on. Eventually The Owner aroused from his snoozing and became very disorientated when he stood up as the familiar surroundings of the dining room disappeared from his view when his head disappeared from my view in the smoke above me. I don't know how Fireman and his friends knew about it but as The Owner burst forth from the cottage front door on his hands and knees making far too much of a scene in my opinion, Fireman stood there with his hose pipe at the ready. His hosepipe was much bigger than The Owners and he didn't manage to squirt me with it, I like him! I like him all the more because he had a Bonio in his pocket for me, have I mentioned that I like Bonio's? In recognition of the Bonio I only wee'd up one of the wheels of the fire engine. The Owner is now looking very sorry for himself as he cleans up the mess in the kitchen. I did say it was too early for him didn't I?

Owners Daughter Has Done a Woopsie!!!

Well yesterday was a day of great significance and unexplained hoomun behaviour for me. The Owner told me that Owners Daughter had a bit of a woopsie in her car. Well when I have a woopsie it usually involves a shovel and a spell in the boot room whilst he clears it up. Hold that thought for a moment whilst I explain that her woopsie involved the front end of a tractor! Now I have seen the big buckets on the front of the tractors on the farm, indeed I have wee'd up some of them, so I know just how big they are. So how much did she do to need one as big as that to clear it up?!?!? Somehow in amongst it all it appeared to need a visit from Owners Daughter, Very Strange Woman, Diesel Dog Daughter and of course Diesel Dog. Perhaps it needed The Owners deft touch with a shovel or something. I left Diesel Dog to do his thing, which inevitable involved running up and down the path across the back of the garden like a demented badger, whilst the hoomuns went indoors and filled out Shoreance forms. Very Strange Woman needed a stamp for an envelope and The Owner had one left in his little book and gave it to Very Strange Woman to put on the envelope. It was at about this point that Diesel Dog's demented badger running involved a quick trip through the cottage and out the front door again. That was when the arguments seem to start, as the only stamp The Owner had, was missing! I wandered outside partly to see where Diesel Dog had taken the stamp but mainly to get away from the argument about who last saw the stamp that was raging indoors. It is a strange sight to see a Diesel Dog running around the garden staring at the tip of his own nose where the glue on the stamp had firmly affixed the only stamp in Wiltshire and oblivious to everything else around him. I can't help but believe that he didn't really mean to run straight through The Owner's barbie at the top of the garden and that The Owner may have an opinion about that later as well as the somewhat less than favourable opinions that he was expressing indoors.

Broken Wires

The Owner returned yesterday from seeing Speshliss and smelling of hospitals again and with two muddy paw prints on his chest. So after the little episode yesterday morning when he acquired said paw prints I felt that discretion was going to be the better part of valour and after evening patrol (twice, as he had left some shopping in the fridge at the studio and we had to go back for it) I opted for the safest option and went to the boot room for the evening. By this morning he was clearly feeling a bit better as I got some of his toast that he left on the plate and put on the floor. I wasn't intended to have it but I was not admonished too much for thieving it so that is as good as having been given permission. So to the studio we did go and I bumped into my little terrier friend, "Chip". We greeted each other as K9's do and I ran excitedly to the studio hopeful of a Bonio. By the time of my arrival The Owner was already inside swearing at the computer so I came rushing in and under the table, ready to look cute in hope of a Bonio. Well I didn't see the phone wires! Or the broadband wire! Or his headset wire, and frankly he shouldn't have had them draped over my Vetbed! The Owner has had to wire up new leads and plugs and appears to be particularly vexed by the matter so I think I may go for another patrol. On my own this time!!!

The Speshliss

The Owner is off to see Speshliss today, I am not sure who Speshliss is or what he does but he had better not upset The Owner as I think I have already done that as much as The Owner can cope with in one day! This morning we went off on morning patrol around the farm, across the paddock and round the cricket pitch taking particular care not to sniff at or wee up the fence that ticks and hurts. Through the hunting gate and across the little sleeper bridge. Well The Owner crossed the bridge with rather a curmudgeonly grumble about slippery stuff and stinging nettles whilst I leapt across in a bright and energetic fashion, hardly breaking my stride. We crossed the field with the dead trees in, which are always good for a quick sniff at or even a wee up but taking particular care not to get too close to the fence that clicks and hurts in that field as well. Then around the back of the farm and back down past the silage pits and through the dairy yard and down to the office. I have painted a picture of rural bliss on the morning patrol? Well I omitted the bit about the first rain in several weeks falling from the skies to "lay the dust", or so The Owner said. It had done just a little too much laying of dust really and the dairy yard was awash with mud as we crossed it. Back at the studio there is always cause for great excitement as The Owner always gives me a Bonio when we get back, had I mentioned that I like Bonios? Well I am afraid I got a little too excited for the occasion and, well..... there were only the two muddy paw prints in the middle of his white shirt. Hardly worth mentioning here I thought. The Owner mentioned it quite a lot however! I just hope that Speshliss doesn't upset him as well or it may be a chilly evening in the cottage and that will be nothing to do with the weather either.

The Wasp

I was only trying to have a little fun at The Owner's expense and it all sort of ganged up on me. It has been a little on the warm side here these last few days and as always on such occasions The Owner wanders home for an extended lunch and grabs a book, a towel and a beer and makes for the garden to cook himself. This is always the cue for much mirth and merriment as I try and get on the towel with him and he tries bravely to fend me off. He always wins on such occasions but its fun trying. Yesterday he won as usual and I had to lay on the grass which hardly befits one with breeding such as me, so every time he reached to turn the page I would stuff my nose under his hand which seemed to displease him so mission was at least in part accomplished. I then opted to roll on my back onto his book and breath in his face. Oh what fun! He didn't like that either. I was building up to the tail flick to knock the beer over when this strange looking creature crawled on my nose. Black spots on a red shell it had. Well I went a little boss eyed to see it on the nose but apart from a little tickle it wasn't too bad..... and then it bit me! Well I ran off, partly in surprise and partly in disgust, and found myself somewhere in the shade to lie until my nose had stopped hurting. After a while, The Owner went for another beer from the fridge so I sneaked back out and laid on his towel while he couldn't see me. Now that was fun because I knew it would get some less than favourable response from The Owner but not the one I was expecting! In the kitchen roof is a wasp nest and one of the .......... sorry I nearly used a word then that I shouldn't...... No I cannot find a more suitable one! One of those sneaky bastards crept up and stung me! I am sure he was working at the behest of The Owner although I didn't see The Owner put it up to the job. This morning I have one ear normal and the other the size of a football and raging ear ache. I am not feeling very charitable today so watch out!

Katia and The Blue Wheelie Bin

I had the fright of my life this week, well to be honest it was two frights together and I am suspecting I may have brought a little stress into the life of Manor Hoomun as well. The other night it was a little bit gusty here and the leaves from the trees were blowing everywhere. The Owner said it was Katia doing her best. I am not sure if she lives around here or not, but if she does, judging by the amount of rubbish she threw around the place that night, she isn't going to be very popular.

Sorry, I digress again. On this gusty evening The Owner was watching a DVD and snoring loudly, I am not understanding how he can do both but it is one he has seen many times before and can even recite the words to it when he isn't snoring, so I opted for a quick patrol of the neighbourhood. I was returning home through the Manor gardens and passing Manor Hoomun's car when Katia threw Manor Hoomuns new blue wheelie bin at me. Well I have been molested frequently by The Owner's ruddy Dyson, but never by an empty blue wheelie bin and to be honest it isn't going to go down as my favourite experience! Perhaps understandingly, I shot backwards in a state of fright and ran into Manor Hoomun's car which wailed loudly and had a lot to say on the matter. Lights came on everywhere and I feared I may have been sent to the boot room at the Manor so I ran as fast as I could for the gateway through the hedge to the cottage. From there I could witness Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun searching the area for Truders. I am not sure who Truders is or why he was suspected but I am just glad that a finger wasn't pointed in my direction. Indoors, The Owner was still snoring, there is a certain comfort in knowing that some things never change.

The Owner is Attacked

The Owner is up to something this morning and I am not sure what! Now I am not saying that The Owner doesn't do his housework regularly at all. He puts that ruddy Dyson round once a month whether it needs it or not, but not normally on a weekday during the morning! He is plotting something I am sure. He unplugged it from the socket where I plug my laptop in and unusually, he remembered to plug the laptop back in for me before it goes blip and disappears.

Then he grabs all the wire and the ruddy Dyson and drags the whole lot up the stairs, again nothing unusual except that it is during the day and mid week, but what was particularly unusual was he normally winds the wire up first before he carries it anywhere. I remember thinking at the time "That could be dangerous!", but I am only a K9 after all, what do I know? Within less than a minute he was back down the stairs and I can't help but think that head first was not in his plan and then I noticed the cause of his ire and predicament. He was being chased down the stairs by that ruddy Dyson and its wire had already caught his foot! He looked unusually pathetic laid at the foot of the stairs being molested by that ruddy Dyson. Well what have I been saying all along? It has got a mind of its own and it is a particularly malevolent one at that! He looked at me with a sort of pleading look in his eye but I was going nowhere near it or him whilst he was tangled up in it! He has made himself one of his very strong coffees and is sitting on the sofa looking for someone to tell about his plight. I am hoping his distress doesn't lead to him looking for his brandy bottle, he hasn't realised yet that it was in the recycling box that went out yesterday and still half full. He is not going to be happy and I think, as it is a nice day, I may take myself off up to the sunny spot behind the barbecue just in case he finds some way that this was all my fault.

More Pungent Flowers!

I have been out in the garden, when it wasn't raining, and have been exploring the cherry orchard. Anything to avoid the noise coming from The Owner as he watches the Whales indoors! Walking round the corner, thinking that there are no more things to worry about as far as pungent flowers are concerned, when I stumbled across these! I may try and dig them up quick to avoid The Owner finding them! Just in case!

Men With Funny Shaped Balls

It is always a great source of excitement for me, when I play ball in the garden with The Owner. I pick it up and rush around the garden and The Owner gets very red in the face as he throws himself at the ball whilst I rush off with it in my mouth in a very athletic fashion. He then picks himself up and shouts a lot, not sure who at or what about but he does get very loud about it sometimes, before he chases me again and we do it all again.

Sometimes I get a bit too carried away and I make the ball go hiss in my mouth and then it turns a funny shape and then The Owner throws it in the bin and goes and buys me a new one, albeit a little too begrudgingly sometimes. Today he is watching the telly, we have already watched the very noisy cars going very fast back to where they came from, (and incidentaly, I have given up trying to understand the rules, as there always seems to be someone with a strange name, who, according to The Owner, doesn't do it right). Now we are busy watching loads of men running around a field chasing a ball which, frankly, ought to be thrown in the bin as it looks to me as though someone has bitten the ball and it has gone a very funny shape! And while we are at it why does he keep calling some of them Whales. I don't know too much about them as I have never met one, but I didn't think whales got out of the big village pond down near where Small Boy lives and when they do there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth by some hoomuns. Or should I have spelled that whaling? Whatever, there seems to me to be far too much testosterone in this room today, I think I may be developing one of my headaches! Last week The Owner went out for the day and came back smelling of hospitals again. I think I have heard him talking about making rangements. I don't think I have seen a rangement yet so I am not sure if I need to have an opinion about them. I will keep you informed!

Hurdles

Sorry, permit me for a moment. It's worth spending a couple of minutes... and you think you have hurdles you can't overcome?

The Mini Dyson Does Have a Brain

Well I think it served them right for leaving the poor dog terrorised by this thing all day! A mini Dyson and I'm sure The Owner's Dyson can do this kind of thing too!

Small Boy and The Damson Tree

Small Boy arrived yesterday with Owners Daughter and I was so pleased to see them I did my silly run out around the tree in the middle of the lawn and back twice. You may have noticed I have elevated the status of the bush to tree as it seems to have done quite well this year and is now blocking the path to the front door. It blocks it enough to make Postmans arrival at the letter box on a wet day a somewhat soggy affair.

Sorry, I digress already in my story. After much excitement and a crafty sneak of Owners Daughter’s crust from her sandwich at lunch time, an afternoon of great activity looked promising! Small Boy was detailed to retrieve several of The Owners tools from all around the garden, behind hedges, up trees, wherever Small Boy had left them after using them on his last visit and from where The Owner had been completely unable to locate them which always seemed to be a matter of some frustration for The Owner. His frustration was helped little when Small Boy went up the garden and found them all so easily. The Owner then began compiling a list of many other tools which had gone missing over the years to see if he could find them with the same consummate ease. Small Boy was then sent up the damson tree to pick damsons, although I am not sure what they are as they are above head height, an area which tends to bother me little. Small Boy complained bitterly about his task and when The Owner informed him that small boys were always sent up the chimneys in years past it did little to improve his demeanour. Small Boy, up a tree, picking Damsons, seems to involve throwing twenty or so to the floor and then putting one in the bag. When I say on the floor, I really mean they have to be first bounced off my back or The Owners head before hitting the floor. It would seem also that damsons stain quite a lot and I can see many purple blobs staining my back. Fortunately The Owner is unable to see the top of his own head and is therefore oblivious to the effect it has had on the top of his head. I hope it stays that way or I fear his cheerful demeanour since Small Boy and Owners Daughter arrived may vanish. He has been out today and returned smelling of hospitals again. Unsure yet if I should be worried about that but I will keep you informed....

Thoughts on Febreze

The Owner has discovered a new best friend and I have discovered another worstest friend. Something akin to The Dyson! I would like to point out that earlier he had already been terrorising me with that nemesis of mine as he laughs like some kind of maniacal despot (well, how I would imagine one would laugh having never actually met one) as he chases me around the living room carpet, destroying all my hidden bits of chewy stick I had brought in from the garden and thought I had hidden.

I thought my moment of torture was passed until he informed no-one in particular that Owners Daughter and Small Boy, who has been conspicuous by his absence this weekend, were running very late from their planned arrival due to Owners Daughter taking too long to put her face on before meeting her public this morning. This fills me with a sense of dread as he then has nothing to fill his time as previously planned. I believe you hoomuns have a saying about the devil finding work for idle hands or something like that? On this occasion the devil found a spray tin of Febreze to fill his idle hands with! All things, including me, my comfy cushion and my duvet (silk, obviously, as I have breeding, had I mentioned I was born and trained on Lord Bath's estate) were sprayed liberally with the stuff. He justifies it to me by saying Owners Daughter is coming but he is now prowling the house looking for something, anything else, to spray. He has now got another menacing look in his eye as he looks at me and I think I may yet be getting another liberal application of the devils spray. He is already calling me 'The Fragrant One' again! I think I may go and find some dead badger to roll in!

Pigeon's Morning Visit

This morning I am not happy! This morning The Owner is not happy! This morning, perhaps for the first time ever we are unhappy about the same thing and from the same perspective! 


Last night The Owner took me to the pub, perhaps predictably on a Friday evening but that is the kind of predictability I can cope with. Barmaid Hoomun was there yesterday evening although she is not the cause of OUR ire. Barmaid Hoomun I like, because she tends to give me little treats when The Owner isn't looking. But I am a K9 of some breeding, and not a little learning in hoomun terms, so although I can't speak hoomun, I can type it and I can certainly understand it, even some of The Owners more colourful language. So why does she have to talk to me in such an infantile way? "Does Jacky wacky want a Bickie Wickie?" ?!?!?!?! Just give me the biscuit and cut the cackle! Some hoomun behaviour I will never understand! 


Sorry, I digress already. When we came home last night the sun was just setting over the manor and it does throw all kinds of golden light on the trees at the top of the hill opposite. This kind of scene tends to cause The Owner to wax lyrical and he grabs MY laptop and goes upstairs and sit in THAT window where the roses grow if I haven't managed to kill them first by weeing on them. Having been allowed up there once I can see that the view may have a certain appeal to a hoomun. So he sets himself up at the window, glass of wine to one side and MY laptop on the wide window sill. He was up there for some time and only came down when his wine glass was empty and required refilling. You'll notice the omission of the return of MY laptop, that'll be because he left it up there then! On the window sill, in front of an open window! This morning, Pigeon landed on the window sill and hopped up on to the nearest thing to a perch it could find, MY open laptop!!!!! The Owner opened one eye from his slumber and roared from his bed in a non appreciative manner, to which Pigeon responded by depositing last nights supper from it's bottom all over MY laptop and flapping off out of the window. I am looking forward to my next encounter with Pigeon who is currently sat on the electric wires out of my reach saying "Coo" at the spectacle of The Owner and me working together to try and clean the keyboard. Anyone got any wet wipes? I may have a use for them.