I Have a New Bestest Friend

Yesterday Milk Tanker Hoomun managed to annihilate another dollop of badger poo that was showing promise down on the road. On the walk to the studio there it was, as fresh as you like, went back on a solo patrol... there it was flatter than one of those poppadoms that The Owner manages to shatter all over the carpet when he has an Indian meal delivered. After the sun had been on it for a while it was just as crispy too. So when Milk Tanker Hoomun arrived this morning to collect milk from the dairy, I felt the need to go and remonstrate with him over the matter. A swift nip in the fetlocks ought to do it I thought. But when I got to the tanker he appeared out of his cab with a Bonio!! For me!!! He can do just whatever he likes to any badger poo he wants to from now on. He has now been upgraded to my bestest friend! Tomorrow I will try my luck for one of his sandwich crusts too!

Tanker Driver Hoomun and the Badger Poo

This morning The Owner excelled himself in the "forgetting the glasses" stakes. We got all the way to work and got the computer switched on before squinting at the screen forced him to realise that things were not right. He then started patting himself down to see which pocket they weren't in. The answer soon became apparent, they weren't in all of his pockets! 

We have new badgers in the area these last few days, I have heard them snuffling around on the lawn at night. The Owner has noticed the effects too when he wanders out to "take the first fresh breath of morning" when he lets me out, and discovers the lawn resembling, in no small way, the battlefields of The Somme! The benefit for me came this morning on our wander in to the studios when I happened to notice not just one, but several dollops of fresh poo on the road and on the track up to the studio. Excellent, I thought! So I marked that down for a bit of poo rolling later in the day when The Owner wasn't with me. 

Glasses discovered missing we had to wander back to the new cottage to retrieve them, but in the meantime Tanker Driver Hoomun had arrived to collect the milk from the dairy. Well I am forming a somewhat negative opinion of him! He drove right over all the poo and spread it out so thinly there was no benefit to be had from a quick roll! He has immediately gone on my list of people to be mistrustful of!

Stinky Labs

After the last twenty four hours I am developing a somewhat less than charitable opinion of The Owner to be honest and I shall be turning my back on him until, at the earliest, coffee time. Or later, if he doesn't pay a visit to my Bonio bucket! Yesterday we had a visit from one of his friends, she came bearing wine which is always a bad start to any evening.... and a sausage..... which has made The Owner smell funny this morning! This visitor we shall refer to as Lady Black Lab Hoomun. Mainly because she came with Lady Black Lab and I immediately forgot any past allegiance to Lady Chocolate Lab who I haven't seen for some while. Since I wee'd on her Hoomuns hand bag, now I think about it! So The Owner and Lady Black Lab Owner sat in the garden at the new cottage drinking wine, laughing lots and doing hoomun stuff. But, Lady Black Lab smelled reeeeeeaaaaaally good and was remarkably receptive to my advances. I started with a little lick of her ear, well actually it was more of a lot of licking of her ear to be fair and it did get quite soggy. But that seemed to be deserving of a whack across the nose apparently. So I sat down behind The Owner's seat and then slid through on my belly to try again which apparently warranted a flick of the heel in the general direction of my nose again. The tally was roughly two licks to one reprimand so it was generally worth it I think. This morning I was hopeful of a quick patrol of the garden and a lick of the grass where she had been sitting but HE, The Owner, has been reading yesterdays Sunday paper and read another article which used the term "Stinky Labs"!!! After much fidgeting on his part he jumped up and went to the bathroom, I assumed for his morning ablutions. Then came the cry, "Jack, come on. it's bahfies time!" You see what is going on here don't you? He spelled it differently and that created just enough confusion in my mind to be duped into walking into the bathroom and straight into the trap.... which was sprung.... and I had no hope of escape. I'll give him Head and ruddy Shoulders! When I got out of there, covered in suds seeing as you asked, he had whisked away my comfy cushion and my duvet and the washing machine was purring with apparent contempt and I was sure it was grinning at me in a mocking fashion! This all upset my morning so much I forgot to go and have a lick of the grass where Lady Black Lab had been sitting! I will wait for coffee time and see whether he goes to my Bonio bucket before I decide whether to forgive him or not.

My Bad Start to the Morning

I am feeling a little delicate this morning and, as The Owner was part of all of it, I think I will blame him and so I am turning my back on him for the day. 

Early this morning The Owner arose from his pit and grumbled his way down the stairs. He clearly was not thinking, as instead of letting me out and then giving me my breakfast, he rushed to the loo with a certain sense of urgency about him. First came the satisfied sigh of relief as he had his wee and then the now customary singing at full volume "Stand and deliver...." followed by a raucus botty burp with such force it ought to sting. Feeling pleased with his musical and percussive efforts he went to open the back door to let me out. Well, I have needs as well, and I needed them with some urgency too! So with door cracked open enough for the nose to exit, I started my charge. I forgot the door opened inwards and I only managed to squash my nose between the door and the radiator. The Owner was clearly having a good start to his day and was laughing at me and winking in mockery at my squint acquired from the incident. Now the observant among you will have noted that our bathroom is now downstairs in our new cottage, so when The Owner takes himself off for his morning visit, with his newspaper under his arm, I am left outside the bathroom door. Now, in the K9 world you can tell a lot about someone from having a good sniff at what they "leave behind" and it has been very revealing about The Owner I can tell you! If I lay down and stuff my nose against the crack between the door and the floor I can have a good old sniff. But The Owner reckons it puts him off and takes great exception to me sniffing loudly under the door. So this morning he goes in and I begin my loud sniffs under the door. He clearly hadn't started the process and opened the door sharply. Now, not only do I have a squint caused by the door earlier, I also have a tender nose and there are nose skid marks on the floor outside the bathroom. I feel sure he is behind all my discomfort and I will be spending the day with my back to him in protest. Change that, he has gone to my biscuit barrel. I think I quite like him again!

Meet The Owner

This needs no introduction nor explanation from me, I think.

My Very Important Meeting

Yesterday was a very important day for me, I went to a meeting! The Owner came grumbling down the stairs early and then fell over the bottom step as is normal at our new cottage. Then he frowned at me very loudly and even waved his finger a little as he said "Now I want you on your best behaviour today Jack Labrador!" I always know it is serious when he calls me Jack Labrador. "You're coming with me to a meeting and I want no weeing up things, or burping in peoples faces or farting under the tables!". It was said in that manner which lead me to believe that I really ought to do as he asked. He put his very posh jacket on and selected my very posh lead and off we went. When we got to Swindon I kept my head down below the windows and particularly when we got the other side of Swindon as there are some very strange things go on there and they may have given me nightmares to be honest. After a very long way we arrived at this very posh place that had a man in a very silly hat at the front door. He told The Owner to get out of the car.... and that dog!!!!! I can see this is going to go downhill very rapidly with an attitude like that. Then Parking Yoof got in and drove The Owner's car away! I thought The Owner would have an opinion on the matter but he just smiled and turned and we walked inside. The first problem was shiny floors! I kept going over, in my mind, the list of things that The Owner told me I was not allowed to do. Just in case. Then Business Hoomun arrived and he made a fuss of me. Said he was pleased to meet "Someone of Breeding". I put it in quote marks to emphasise the sense of sarcasm that I was detecting in his voice. With coffee in hands, The Owner and Business Hoomun settled down and discussed important sounding things. After a while I got bored as I was unable to get any of the biscuits that were on the plate, so I did a little exploring of the neighbourhood. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a pond, inside! It was a big pond.... with fish in it! Well no one was in the pond so I reasoned I could do no harm so I jumped quietly in. Ok, so I did make a bit bigger splash than I had planned, but the hoomun with the funny hat was in a frightful paddy over something and on my second lap of the pond this big hand grabbed the scruff of my neck and hoisted me out. How undignified! Does he not know that I have breeding???? The Owner seemed less than impressed when he was asked to take "That Dog" and leave. Well, once you can forgive, but to be called "That Dog" twice, is just too much! So I wee'd up the reception desk as we left. I think his meeting must have been over anyway as we got in the car and headed for home, as the Hoomun with the funny hat kept shouting at us in a most uncharitable manner as we left the car park.

I hope we go to another meeting soon as I quite enjoyed the indoor ponds they have in those places!

A Visit to The Ford

I am in very deep doo doo and have been frowned at VERY loudly! 

Owners Daughter came up with Diesel Dog Daughter and their cousin MM Hoomun and we all went out in Owners Daughters car, with The Owner at the helm. It was all going swimmingly. We visited pubs, every one had to get out and push Owners Daughters car up a very steep hill. Except me that is, coz I have breeding and I don't do car pushing... and The Owner of course but that was just coz no one was brave enough to prize him away from the steering wheel. Then we got to a small stream which The Owner announced, in a very knowledgeable manner, that it was something called a Ford. Not sure why as it looked nothing like a car! Then Owners Daughter decided to take her shoes off and wander through the stream and that was where it all went downhill for me really. May I present the attached image as exhibit 1, in my defence. At the far end of the water were hoomuns..... and one of them smelled particularly of Bonio's..... and they looked friendly........and I was sat beside The Owner.......who took this picture. Well who in their right mind would want to go all the way round when you could go straight through?? Exactly! So I went straight through. And I felt that a bit of demented badger running, like I do for The Owner, would help in the process of getting a Bonio from those hoomuns. Well we did manage to dry Owners Daughters jeans out after an hour in the tumble dryer when we got her back to our new cottage. But then she grumbled quite a lot that they didn't fit her any more and that was somehow my fault too. Hoomuns!!!!

The Washing

In the new garden I have discovered a new post. It is a big post in just the right spot for me to wee up and it is close enough to the cottage that I can get a quick squirt to the right height to protect my territory and rush back to get my breakfast before The Owner has had a chance to forget me and not put it down. I came rushing out the other morning, mainly to see where he had gone, only to see him paying far too much attention to the length of string attached to the top of my weeing post. Well the reason I was rushing was that I had a good head of pressure which needed to be relieved a little. So before seeing what The Owner was up to I went straight up to my post and emptied most of the content of my bladder. Feeling much better, I noticed that The Owner was hanging loads of wet washing from the length of string attached to the top of my post. He hasn't noticed yet, but I suspect that he may be wanting to wash his shirts and boxer shorts again before he wears them. I have the strangest feeling that some, well OK, most of the contents of my bladder may not have hit my intended target. The post. Instead it seems to have made landfall on his plastic washing basket... full of wet washing which is now even wetter. I think it smells much better for my little accident but I have the strangest feeling that The Owner might not feel the same way about it. I am going to make myself scarce for a while I think. There is an old rotted tree in the field outside the garden hedge and the sun may be upon it by now.

Dingly Dell

At the top of our new garden there is a small patch of woods that The Owner keeps referring to as Dingly Dell. It backs on to the cricket pitch for your reference. The Owner had been overheard telling his hoomun friends how there is a stream running through Dingly Dell, so yesterday morning I decided that I would patrol Dingly Dell to see how good the stream was. Well, imagine my disappointment when I found that the stream had in fact succumbed to the recent lack of rainfall and gone the same way as the pond and dried out. However, I also noticed that if you really put your back into it and dig hard, you can find water, well mud really, about the depth of two Bonio boxes down. I kept digging to see if there was any real water down there and was really pleased to be able to report to The Owner that about three Bonio boxes down you do in fact find water. He will be pleased I thought as I ran back up through the garden and in to the kitchen to where he was putting away his best bone china. I found that my muddy paws were a little hard to control on the new white tiled floors in the kitchen at the new cottage and I did a little slither as I entered. Well ok, it was a bit more than a little slither if I am honest. More of a full on slide leaving a muddy skid mark all the way across the floor. Well they are tiles aren't they!!? That’s what tiles are for, washing! And I am sure he can get another bit of china to complete the set. Oh how I wish I had found his green felt tip pen too! The turmoil across his face as he really wanted to get the hosepipe out and the yard broom but he had no idea where to find it! We don’t appear to have got a boot room either now. I sleep in a sort of lobby with no door so I can still get into the rest of the house. I think I am liking this new cottage a lot!

The New Cottage

There have been many wonderful things to explore at the new cottage... and one or two surprises to be honest. After the recent few days home moving activities, The Owner has been looking a little stiff and has grumbled one more time than is usual every time he gets up off the floor. Yes it is the floor, just in case there are any of you wondering if I had written that wrong and should have said armchair. Struggle as he might The Owner was unable to get his sofa that I am allowed on through the back door. So after a while thinking, he announced to no one in particular that he is going to have a bath. I don’t do baths! The Owner was fiddling about in the one room downstairs I have yet to explore and then disappeared upstairs, presumably for his bath. Whilst he was out of the way I carried on my discovery activities around the new cottage. It was then that I noticed the door to the room I have yet to explore was left open a little so I stabbed my nose against it and wandered inside. Well, you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! Inside was a pond! A big pond, inside the room, and full of water! This was an amazing turn-out this was! Our very own pond.... and inside the cottage! I approached the side of the pond carefully. Well you can never be too sure what is in a pond generally but a pond inside the cottage was worthy of extra caution I felt. I stuck my head cautiously over the side and noticed it was indeed full of clear water so I threw caution to the wind and launched myself over the side. Well, the water was warm and as I spluttered to the surface I became aware of a certain sense of indignation from The Owner who was now standing in the doorway wearing only a towel! “Jack Labrador!” he said to me. I immediately knew I was in trouble, he only calls me that when I am in trouble! “Jack Labrador, what on earth are you doing in my bath??” His hands are on his hips so it is really serious now! I was sure I heard him say the dreaded “B” word.... I did. He followed it up with “Get out of my damned bath!” He did use the B word! Bath!!!!! I have got into the bath!!! Oh my goodness! Bathrooms are meant to be upstairs and usually contain cloudy murky water after The Owner has finished with it. Not clean clear water like this!! Will I ever be able to hold my head up in K9 circles again?        which I am not anxious to witness!

The Move

When I awoke this morning, I got up, had a stretch, yawned a little, turned around to lay back down on my bed and it was gone!!! I think this could be a long day. The Owner is carving a solitary pathway down the road carrying boxes with his home in. (And my bed!) I opted to have a snooze on the sofa that I am allowed on in the absence of my bed but The Owner is now eyeing that up with a particularly vexatious look in his eye. Although how he is going to manage that on his own escapes me at the moment. The word tortoise comes to mind.

The Owner cut a solitary pathway backwards and forwards from the cottage to the new home and he was making me feel quite giddy just watching him. So I did the only thing sensible at a time like this and went and had a lay down, except I couldn't, because he had already stolen my comfy cushion and it was in a bag somewhere. So I went to look for another means of comfort when one is in need of a little reassurance but my Bonio bucket was also missing! This is getting more serious by the second!!! But all was not lost; as it got to coffee time and I was getting into quite a lather about where he was going to find a Bonio for me, the door burst open and in walked Owners Cuz TC...... with treats.....for me! And also Owners Cuz IM, but he had no Bonios for me so I have yet to form an opinion about him! Then out of the car clambered a familiar shape, Small Boy emerged and grumbled about lots of things. He must be related in some way to The Owner I am thinking. When Owners Daughter and Diesel Dog Daughter turned up too there was much activity and I opted to go and sit in the garden at the new cottage (not sure why it is called New Cottage as it looks quite old to me) and find a nice sunny spot somewhere. By the evening and when peace had returned once more to our world, order was decidedly absent. The Owner spent much of the evening looking for a cup and the kettle which was of no concern to me as it happens because I had more important things to consider. Like, where was my bed!!??? After a frantic search, assisted by The Owner, I was none the wiser and The Owner took a little pity on me and let me spend my first night ever in his bedroom... Lord that is a noisy place!!

The following day The Owner was on his own again plying his way backwards and forwards with boxes and bags over his shoulders. Some drivers on the road even tried a cheery wave when they saw him.... but only the once. With a growl like that as his only response, even I was not feeling brave enough to try anything for the second time. Although his frame of mind lifted a little when Owners Daughter and Diesel Dog Daughter arrived and announced he needed a pint. Now, this pub is near the canal and canals mean water! However, with his temper only marginally improved by the application of alcohol, I was not going to chance a quick dip into the murky waters and settled for safety and sat under his seat out of the way. I sense there is much to explore at the new cottage but I am not feeling brave enough yet to do so. I will keep you informed!

The Laptop and The Gatepost

I couldn't help myself this morning and for now the proverbial doo doo hasn't hit the fan... but it will!

Today is wheelie bin day and assuming it hasn't been melted again by The Owner, it needs to be put out for collection. Whilst the rest of the village remembers to put theirs out the previous night, The Owner only remembers to do his when he leaves the cottage and notices a green forest of the things down the road. So today when it is time to leave we go through the routine; walk out door.... pat pockets.... go back in and get the keys he has forgotten. Leave door.... pat pockets again.... go back in and retrieve phone from the charger and realise he didn't actually turn on the charger last night. Leave door and close this time.... get half way down path...pat pockets... return to door.....fumble in pockets for keys..... go in and retrieve glasses. Don't mock, that's better than normal! We normally get as far as the studio before we realise the glasses are still at home! Returning to the door with glasses he pauses as if in thought and then turns back to get MY laptop, puts it in his case and closes the door again. When we get to the gate I like to have a quick sniff and wee up the gatepost if necessary because the scent is no longer announcing to the passing world that Jack Labrador GD (failed) lives there. So I checked and felt that as there had been no rain last night it could probably go until tonight when we get home again. Outside the gate The Owner realised that ours is the only cottage in the road with no green wheelie bin outside so puts his laptop case down by the post and returns one last time for the green wheelie bin. I was fed up with going back and forth so loitered around the gate and found a suitable bit of hedge to wee on whilst I waited. Whilst wandering absent mindedly past the gate I thought that maybe I may have a quick wee on the post for good measure whilst I had the opportunity. Well I forgot!! Alright? And there wasn't that much wee got on his laptop case! The Owner returned dragging an argumentative green wheelie bin behind him, which was in a particularly uncooperative frame of mind this morning and put it outside the gate. He reached back in and grabbed the laptop and swung it up on to his shoulder. All the way to the studio I was being given periodical glances of an accusing nature but not the onslaught I had anticipated. So far today he hasn't been to MY laptop in his case so hasn't really noticed............. Yet! It is now after lunch and he has a meeting, which is presumably why he has brought the laptop with him. I have left him to it and I am heading for the peace and quiet of the calf sheds. I am predicting an imminent explosion, of The Owner variety, when he picks up the case off his desk. One which I am not particularly anxious to witness!

The Green Monster of The Deep

Last night I was quite terrified and I even had nightmares about it. Much to the amusement of The Owner of course! It involved a cow trough and a monster from the deep!

Last night as the sun was losing some of its heat and before The Owner found his way to the fridge and stumbled across a "crisp white" that had been chilling in there, we went off on patrol across the fields. It was not our normal patrol, nor was it the patrol down to the lakes that we have done of late, this was a new patrol so there was much to be wee'd up. As we passed through a gate into another very large field I spied a big round cow trough in the middle which I thought may be good for a drink and to climb in and cool down whilst I explored its depths. As I ran at full throttle across towards the trough I could hear The Owner shouting something about not jumping in that one and something about it being full of blanket weed. Well, I felt there was going to be water and I needed cooling off and I like blankets anyway so there should be no problem there. As I arrived at the site of the trough I could still hear The Owner bellowing in the background but I chose to ignore him and barely breaking my stride I leapt into the trough in a most athletic fashion. This was the point where my world turned very green all of a sudden and the monster from the deep attacked me. I struggled to the surface despite its evil attempts to prevent me and dragged myself back over the side but it had got me and was not about to let go any time soon. I thought I ought to check my legs in case it was trying to devour them but I couldn't see them, they were completely obscured from view by the green monster of the deep. What do you do when being attacked by a monster from the deep? You run, that's what! The Owner was waddling across the field but I was not about to wait for him to arrive, I was being devoured! So I ran....and The Owner bellowed.....and I ran......and The Owner bellowed some more. At any moment the monster of the deep was going to devour my legs, I had to keep running! Eventually it gave up and let go of me. I was free!!!! I returned to have a look at it (from a safe distance) and discovered it was a lengthy beast. If you laid twenty empty Bonio boxes end to end it was about that kind of length I think. But without its means of propulsion, which was me, it looked kinda helpless lying there in the field. So I wee'd on it and went to find where The Owner had got to, which was still two fields away as it happens. I have marked that trough down as not one I need to revisit in the future. I never did find that blanket The Owner was on about though.

The Owner Needed a Cuddle

I think I may be... well... What is one step down from "un appreciated and in the do-do"? Most of my.... our home, is in boxes ready for the move. And whilst The Owner can still fall asleep anywhere at any time, I, as a sensitive K9 with breeding, find it all a little unsettling. Well, today has been a tad warm at the studio and by tea time The Owner took me to the lakes for a splash around whilst The Owner danced around doing his best to avoid the horse flies. Largely without success if I am honest! We returned to the cottage, via the water trough in the paddock, so by the time we got back I was still quite damp. The kind of damp that still leaves a trail of water on the path behind me where ever I walk. With K9 fed, The Owner poured himself a glass. Of something amber coloured and sat down on the floor to enjoy his drink. Well as I said, I have been feeling a little unsettled. When you feel unsettled you need a cuddle don't you? So I climbed on his lap! I was expecting a negative reaction to be honest but I think he needed a cuddle too. After all his shirt was only very wet on one side. He didn't kick me off either although I am expecting some kind of repercussion at a later date and time. I will keep you informed.

The Owner is Paccking

Owners Daughter arrived this morning along with Diesel Dog Daughter although Diesel Dog was noticeably absent so there was little in the way of demented badger running across the back of the garden and it was too hot anyway. I thought The Owner was going to have a very negative opinion on the whole matter when they started throwing all of his stuff in boxes and taping them shut and then moving the boxes to other places. I found the whole matter very unsettling and kept myself very close to The Owner all day. I did go out with him in Owners Daughters car which was my favourite part of the day. I do cars, but I particularly do cars that The Owner is driving so when we went off to the recycling center I was a particularly happy K9. Me, The Owner, a car and the open road. I had a very good day really, unsettling but good. The Owner caught Owners Daughter with a box and took pictures of her which I clearly didn't find as funny as The Owner did. In fact I didn't understand why he found it so funny. Diesel Dog Daughter was laughing so hard she went a funny colour too!

Just Another Sunday Morning

I love Sunday mornings! Just saying. I wonder if The Owner has got the snorkers under the grill yet? I think I may stay here for a while longer and then go and see if there is any of his breakfast dropped on the floor. There is bound to be some down the front of his shirt but that takes a little more cunning to get to that. I may have another snooze just here first though.

A Very French K9

The Owner and I were sitting lazily in the sunshine in the front porch. I was watching, intently, the hover fly that seemed to be treating my nose in much the same way as perhaps a helicopter would the landing pad on a big ship. I know you’re impressed with my knowledge with such matters but when you sit and watch Quest of an evening with The Owner, there isn't much about a Mighty Ship I don’t know. As for The Owner, well it is always difficult to work out what he is thinking about on such occasions so we just label him as having a lazy vacant moment and leave it at that. There was a big roar from an engine and a cloud of dust as a black car which looked vaguely familiar slid sideways into the lay-by in front of the cottage. I was still debating with myself an appropriate course of action when a door burst open on the car and at great volume, out leapt my mate Vic R. He does most things, I notice, at great volume. As he lumbered up the path past the lavender (yuk and double phew!!) he bellowed with great enthusiasm “Helllllooooooo to yoooooou!”. I was already getting a headache and I suspect that The Owner would soon be developing one too. “Hello” he mumbled in response as he staggered to his feet. “I had better go and put the coffee on then.” Nooooooooooooooo!” replied Vic R, losing none of his exuberance, “I am going to take you to the pub for a beer and a sandwich” The Owner of course immediately lost his tardiness and became very excited at the thought of going to the pub when someone else had offered to pay and we were both soon in Vic R’s car and heading up through the village. When we got to the pub there was clearly some form of K9 interest in the gardens as I could see several lady K9’s flocking around something. We went in to the bar, me on my posh lead obviously, as The Owner and Vic R ordered their drinks and sandwiches. Drinks collected and much cheeriness all round, we wandered out in to the pub gardens to await the food. Have you noticed how I don’t get a sandwich?? Well in the gardens we were also confronted with the object of female K9 interest which demonstrated their fickleness completely. Vic R said to The Owner “What kind of dog is that then?”. The Owner announced with an air of authority that it was apparently a French Mastiff and then said, “He must smell a lot of garlic then”. I have no idea what he meant by that but it must be one of The Owners special jokes as no one else was laughing! I had suspected that it was just The Owner trying to impress, to cover up his lack of knowledge on anything in particular as is normal, until HE spoke! HE was addressing a particularly cute looking young yellow lab which I thought would have gone for my obvious breeding. “ Ma Cherie, you want that I whisper of lurve gently in your ear?”. She immediately went all silly and played up to him, to the embarrassment of her owners, and seemed oblivious to the real star of the show. I even tried to speak to her in a voice which made it obvious that I had breeding. I mentioned Lord Bath a lot, but she was just smitten with this Gallic fool! I went and sat obediently under The Owners chair and glared at HIM a lot and chose to do little else about it. Why??? Have you seen a French Mastiff???? He is twice the size of me!! More like Monkey Dog Thing on steroids really, and I would really like to live to see the next day!

At Diesel Dog Daughter's House

After a less than peaceful night with The Owner, Owner’s Daughter breezed in with a cup of tea for The Owner and a cheery “Morning Jack” for me. I can’t help but wonder which of us got the better deal there! Owners Daughter spent ages in the bathroom getting herself ready to “Meet her public”. I can’t help but wonder what she does in the process as to me, a K9 with breeding, there seems very little difference apart from smelling funny, a bit like those two old ladies from the other end of our village. For myself I can manage with a quick scratch and a lick of my little boys bits and we’re off and running! Breakfast eaten and overnight bags stowed back in Owners Daughter’s car we were off again on our journey. When I say “Breakfast eaten” I really mean I had had my breakfast. The Owner, on the other hand, had declined a dry Ryvita and a bowl of muesli and was grumbling about having had no bacon and eggs for his Sunday breakfast. He was still grumbling about it half way through the afternoon by which time it had changed to grumbling about not having a KFC but it was a grumble he was not letting go of for anyone. After a while of further driving and even more bacon and egg style grumbling we arrived at Diesel Dog’s home. Not that I recognised the house, just what happened. We pulled up outside a house amongst lots of other houses and The Owner got out and stretched his legs and yawned, Owners Daughter did the same, only it was her legs she stretched, not The Owner’s. For my part I opened one eye from my position curled up on the back seat, which was when I noticed something vaguely brown and furry flash through my vision and was gone again. Unsure of what I had seen I opened both eyes and sat up. I again saw a flash of something vaguely brown and furry fly through one open car door and out the other without touching the seats on the way through. It would seem that demented badger running is not something that Diesel Dog reserves for the path across the back of the cottage and he is clearly able to practice the art in a variety of places and situations and straight through Owners Daughters car is one of them. I managed to escape when Diesel Dog was in mid circuit at the farthest point from Owners Daughters car and went in search of a sunny patch up the garden with which I am planning on getting acquainted with during the rest of the day. The Owner, Owners Daughter, Diesel Dog Daughter, Biker Sister and Mechanic all spent ages moving stuff in boxes from room to room, drinking tea, and perspiring profusely, whilst Diesel Dog did a lot of demented badger running through the car, the house and round the garden to do it all again. I am not sure what Diesel Dog Daughter feeds him with but I think she may want to change it for something with a lesser octane rating.

I fear this could be a very long day indeed!

Staying at Owner's Daughter's

After a phone call, from Owners Daughter I gather, which seemed to require much frowning and nodding sagely from The Owner, he concluded the call with the comment “I will prepare an overnight bag for me and Jack”. Surely the right phrase should have been “For Jack and I” but I will let that one pass although I know which order we should be considered in. But I have clearly yet to educate The Owner over my importance and breeding! Now, I was excited and perturbed at this in equal measures. I have absolutely no idea what an overnight bag is or should K9’s (with breeding) have one, as I have never had one before that I am aware of. But also, that I was unsure what exactly it would lead to. I sat and watched as The Owner poured my water out of my dish down the sink and placed the same into a bag along with my food dish and a small plastic box full of my food that the terribly nice lady hoomun from Skinners had sent to me. Although I felt the accompanying comment of “If you want any water for now you will have to help yourself from the dirty pond. But then you’re used to that aren't you, ‘newt breath’?” was just a little insensitive. He proceeded to put a clean shirt and a pair of trousers that had, frankly, seen better days and I was hoping he was not going to wear them anywhere that he might be seen or recognised, into an “Overnight bag”. Although to be honest, as far as I could tell it was exactly the same as every other plastic carrier bag in the drawer which overflows every time it is opened, I have noticed. He poured himself a large glass of wine to “steady himself for the journey” and Owners Daughter arrived to collect him. She was already frowning very loudly before she arrived and unusually it was at neither The Owner nor me, Jack Labrador GD (failed)! She bundled The Owner into her car and propped him up by wedging his “overnight bag” in beside him and I leapt nimbly over the back and into the boot........ why does she insist on filling the boot of her car with canvas paintings? Well I guess that’ll be another job for The Owner and his duct tape later! We arrived at Owners Daughter’s new home and I immediately tidied up the bird table, the cat food dish and one or two other vaguely edible items I discovered on my first patrol of the perimeter. Although I did notice that I was kept well away from the hamsters cage! I also noticed that I could see no blanket for me to lay on! As early evening turned into late evening and the wine bottle became empty Owners Daughter took herself off to bed and threw some blankets in my general direction, I thought. “Ah, good! There’s my bed!” and I clambered on top of them all, which seemed to prompt a less than favourable response from The Owner as he kicked me off “His bed”! The Owner arranged the blankets and pillows on the floor and climbed into them, leaving me to sleep where exactly? That’ll be on the floor then I guess. I was not impressed! The Owner was soon snoring loudly and I was looking for somewhere a little softer to rest my chin and soon happened upon his hand sticking out from under his blanket, so I rested my chin in his hand. Ok, so I may have dribbled into his hand a bit in my sleep. But I could see no justification for his response and, frankly, hurtful comments about “K9 oral incontinence!” He was now awake again and taking the art of fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport again, until he had to give in and go for a wee. Whilst he was gone, I reasoned that he wasn't needing the bed he had made himself on the floor, so I climbed in. Well it seemed a shame to waste it whilst it was still warm! Not wishing to wake Owners Daughter by turning lights on and stuff, he fumbled his way back to his heap of blankets in the dark and climbed back in. It would seem that a K9 fur ball (with breeding and a wet nose) was not what he was expecting to find in his bed and woke the whole of Owners Daughter’s village up as he made it known. It was a long night......

My Visit to The Theatre

The Owner seems intent, of late, to introduce me to some culture that reflects my obvious breeding. So he went along the other night to see a play by some hoomun who writes funny sentences about stuff. For instance, “Shall I compare thee to a summers day?” Well, around here a summers day can be filled with the sound of tractors working well into the night and smells that even I cannot muster emanating from the dairy yard and what lady hoomun would want to be compared to that??

So last night he tidied himself up a little and sprayed himself with stuff which smelled funny and put my posh lead on me and we made for the theatre. I have never been to the theatre before but I had imagined something a little comfier in the seat department somehow and also one with a roof too. At the start some Hoomun with a microphone said with a great air of gravitas and self-importance “Will you all please turn OFF your phones.” This made The Owner smile a lot as he gets very niggley when hoomuns use their phones near him on the train, in the pub, at the village hall, at the café... well pretty much anywhere really. So he was clearly feeling a point had already been made in his favour, but when the lights went down and some fool was running around the stage carrying a skull saying how he once knew him well, in a manner that any sane hoomun would have struggled to follow, a lady hoomun a few seats away started texting. The Owner, of course was in raptures over what the fool was saying which kind of proves my point. The Owner soon began to fidget with irritation at the texting lady hoomun. Another twenty minutes of clickety clack on her screen and stifled chuckles, The Owner was practising fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport. When the lights came on again he went off, full of righteous indignation, to complain to Manager Hoomun, who assured him that something would be done to prevent any more irritation during the second half. The Owner returned to his seat with a righteous smug look about him, clearly he felt a point had been made. Immediately the lights went out the lady hoomun started clickety clacking on her phone screen and it was more than The Owner could bear. “Oi! Your texting is disturbing our enjoyment!” He pretended to ignore someone else shouting “So is your whining!” but was indignant when Lady Hoomun responded with “Well don’t watch me then!” and then returned to her screen. This was not going to end well and I was already looking for a table or a chair to go and hide behind. With an athleticism witnessed only when someone goes to the bar at the pub and The Owner is after a free pint, The Owner launched himself across the tables and in one smooth movement grabbed her phone and threw it across the auditorium as he fell to the floor. As he picked himself up again he was clearly expecting to see nods of approval from all around him for his heroic actions but was instead met with the sight of Security Hoomun looming out of the darkness at the back of the seats with a purposeful look upon his face, intent on removing the cause of the problem..... The Owner. He felt no better when some hoomuns, with a less than charitable frame of mind, started cheering as he was frogmarched to the door! I opted to slide along the floor in another aisle in case anyone connected me with The Owner.

I am guessing that will be the end of my introduction to sophisticated culture for a while. At least until The Owner can find a new theatre to go to that he hasn't been thrown out of.

Maybe I should not try and use his mobile to write my diaries for you either.

The Dog Flap

The Owner has found himself some new friends recently, hoomuns from a nearby farm. Except they don’t appear to do much farming, they seem to pontificate in a manner that The Owner seems to understand about farming life which seems, as far as I can understand, to have no bearing on the realities of farming. Even I know you don’t put poo in the ground, you spread it on your shoulders! They also have their own K9, a little funny looking thing they kept referring to as King Charles. This obviously gave him delusions of grandeur as he strutted about the place but he clearly had no breeding, unlike myself. Had I mentioned that I was born and trained on Lord Bath’s estate? Last night, enticed mainly by the promise of a bottle of vintage port for The Owner I suspect, we wandered down to their farm. As we walked up the lane to the house I was greeted by King Charles K9 who seemed to be far too excited about anything and everything and wanted the world to know just why. Do you see what I mean? Clearly no breeding! I did my best to ignore him for as long as I could but in the end I tried a tentative little bounce of playfulness which was responded to by King Charles K9, with an avalanche of playfulness. I resisted for as long as I could but before long we were chasing all around the farm buildings and through the farm house and it was quite good fun I thought. As the evening sun gave her last warmth to the air around us, King Charles K9’s owners closed the back door. “That is fine” I heard them say, “There is a dog flap in the back door!” I was a little unsure at first but after a particularly exciting chase round the kitchen, King Charles K9 ran straight at the back door! I felt this was sure to end in tears and may in some way account for his already rather flat nose, but at the last minute he jumped straight at the dog flap which moved out of his way and he ran straight through and into the garden beyond. What is sauce for the goose etc. so I followed without breaking my stride. As the door neared I jumped, and a graceful job it was too, straight at the dog flap. It gave way on impact and I sailed straight through! Well, my head did and so did one shoulder. The rest of me seemed resolutely to refuse to go any further through the dog flap. For that matter it resolutely refused to come back out again either! There I hung, stuck fast in the dog flap and no matter how I fought and struggled I could not go forwards or backwards. The Owner came to my rescue, well he tried to, yet I still was unable to move. Farmer Hoomun and Farmers Wife Hoomun tried, but still I was stuck. They smeared washing up liquid, in an altogether far too familiar fashion for my liking, all about my person which would normally have resulted in an opinion or two. But I just had to stand there, framed by a kitchen door, and accept their attentions. At one point someone suggested calling the fire brigade! Oh the embarrassment that would have caused after weeing on their fire engine wheels the last time our paths crossed. Eventually Farmer Hoomun produced a tool kit and my heart sank in equal measures to the way The Owners face lit up at the sight of someone else’s tool kit which may have had tools that he didn't have. The door was removed.... more soap..... more pulling and pushing. I was becoming very uncomfortable wearing this door and was beginning to look upon the lampshade round the head that Vitnery Hoomun stuck on me once in an altogether kindlier light. The evening got worse! An electric saw was produced which broadened The Owners smile still further and the door was disassembled from around me. The smile has disappeared from The Owners face this morning as he is frantically searching the internet for a replacement door for his friends. He has decided that the builders merchants want to much for one and is now searching for builders reclamation yards and most are getting the same response from him, “How much?? I only want an old one!!!” I suspect we will finish up buying a new one from builders merchants when he is hopeful they may have forgotten his rant about profiteers. For me, I am going to keep well out of the way today and even further from any dog flap!

The Lake Full of Gin

Yesterday was a hot day here, a very hot day, and I have to say I did not really enjoy it. This morning was showing all the promise of being just as warm to be honest, as we walked down to the studio. So I found a corner behind the water cooler to settle down, opting to delay any patrol until the cool of the evening. At lunchtime, when the temperatures were at their highest, The Owner suddenly jumped up from his desk in an unfamiliar show of enthusiasm which quite startled me. But it was his next statement which startled me all the more! He said to me "Come on Jack, lets go for a wander down to the lakes. The water is "gin-clear" down there, you'll enjoy that!" I tried to find somewhere to hide to be honest. I have seen what a few glasses of gin can do to The Owner. So a whole lake full of the stuff!!???? I was not about to try any gin in a hurry, so I reluctantly dawdled along behind him, finding anything possible to have a sniff at in the hope he may get his attention diverted to something else. Well I am still a little mystified by his statement, as when he grappled me to the ground and threw me in, I was expecting to come out with my legs going everywhere except where I was instructing them to go. But they seemed remarkably co-operative to me. The water was nice and cool and very clear, so much so that you could see the bottom which unnerved me a little. It was still cool when I got out but I had made the visibility much more tolerable and I found myself unable to see more than a few inches in front of my face. He did get his camera out to take some pictures of me which I was not so happy about. I managed to jump up at him as I exited the lake and.... well..... the camera will dry out eventually I expect, so no need to worry. Me? I just managed to dry off a little by rolling in the dust on the way back. I am hopeful of another patrol down there this evening, but so far he seems a little reluctant. Perhaps he needs the gin instead of me.

Small Boy is Due

This morning we are expecting Small Boy apparently, so I am on guard. Poised, in fact, ready to launch forth in excited greetings. Like a true athlete I am rehearsing it all in my mind.

Three Angry Wasps

After an early return from the studio yesterday The Owner made a cup of tea in his special heat retaining mug, which seems to have a particularly vengeful manner about it and burns The Owners mouth at every opportunity. He wandered off up the garden, wielding a trimming hook in a particularly menacing manner, as he set about the nettle patch which last season had been my favourite sunny patch up behind the Barbie. He did give me one or two strange and accusing looks as he discovered the odd plastic box that I had squirrelled away after The Owner had cooked the chops that were in them and one that still had the chops in when I found it unguarded in the kitchen. Well flavour is flavour and you can’t miss an opportunity can you? Fortunately The Owner didn't connect the row he had with Sainsbugs Delivery Yoof about missing chops in his order with my absence for an hour at the time, and the appearance of that particular piece of packaging now. After an hour or two’s activity amongst the nettles, with scald marks on his lips from the mug and nettle rash on his legs and arms reminiscent of the outbreak of some nasty tropical disease, The Owner made a bee line for the wine cabinet. Wine poured and his comfy chair beckoning, he left me feeling somewhat relieved that he hadn't discovered everything I had hidden behind the Barbie, and what he had discovered I seem to have got away with. After he went indoors I moved some of the remaining bits and pieces that I was responsible for to a safer hiding place, and went in to join him. It is about this time of day that I can sometimes manage to use my will-power, and occasionally some dribble, to make him get me a Bonio from my at-home-Bonio-bucket, which is more colourful than my studio-Bonio-bucket. So I went in and tried my luck. Result! He already had a Bonio waiting for me! So after a quick chomp I laid there drinking in the sense of comradeship of the moment. Suddenly, The Owner starts to fidget, as I could have sworn I heard a buzzing sound! It went quiet again for a moment… then more buzzing. The Owner jumped up and started patting his shirt, which seemed to prompt a more pain filled reaction than was warranted by the pat that he gave himself, and he ripped his shirt off. After much shirt flicking and flacking he threw it across the room, gave it a withering stare and sat down again. I could still hear buzzing so I took myself off to my comfy cushion, you can’t be too careful in these matters! Suddenly he leapt up spilling his wine (which meant it had to be serious) and was patting his trousers frantically and jumping around all over the place. Finally, off came his trousers too! He stood there in the lounge in just his wine soaked boxer shorts with three wasps buzzing angrily around his head seemingly irritated that he had disturbed their slumber in the loose folds of his clothing. In his attempts to avoid their angry attentions he ran twice round the dining room and out through the front door! I was just relieved that the two old ladies who smell of lavender (yuk and double phew) from the other end of the village were not walking past at the time! I wandered outside to see what he was up to and witnessed the sight of him, in his boxers, crashing through the undergrowth at the top of the garden being chased by three slightly irritated wasps. They seemed to be managing quite well and didn't need any input from me so I left them to it. Besides, I happened to notice he hadn't put the lid back on my Bonio bucket properly and when he gets back he may be a little too preoccupied to notice. I may sneak a few behind the fridge for later while I am a it. Never look a gift horse in the mouth I always say.

A Real Gun Dog

I would just like to say that the first person who shows this to The Owner will have their legs wee'd on.