I am finding all this noisy car racing soooooo confusing. The Owner tells no-one in particular that this was the best one ever today, not sure why coz they still only got back to the same place AGAIN! Maybe its a bit like getting stuck on the one way system in Swindon?
The Owner did that once in Swindon and we went past the same place four times to my certain knowledge! Until the shouting from the front seat got so bad I opted to go and sit in the boot out of the way in case some of that angst was about to come my way. Maybe I just don't recognise it and they are really in Swindon? I must check again next time and see if I can recognise anything. Anyway, the source of most of my confusion was a chance comment The Owner was shouting loudly during the race. When two of the noisy cars were trying to push each other off the road (actually the more I think about it the more this does sound like the Swindon one way system, I must watch more closely next time), The Owner began shouting very loudly "Come on Lewis! Come on my son!" ?????????????????? I thought Small Boy was his son! I think I may retire to the calf sheds for a quick snooze in the sun whilst I contemplate this a little.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Defrosting a Chicken
This morning The Owner's household is not a happy one! It first started yesterday afternoon when we came back from the office. Sorry, studio. He shuffles off to the big freezer in the shed (and from the noises that one makes believe me I am glad that he doesn't try and bring it in and find space in my boot room for it) and liberated two frozen chickens.
Must mean we have guests coming today I thought. To make use of the remaining heat from the afternoon and evening sun he put the two frozen birds on plates and left them on the patio table just outside the boot room door. So far this is looking ok, but then a quick phone call diverted his attentions and he grabbed his fleece and ran out of the door leaving me behind! I guess an evening of solitary uninterrupted snoozing was going to have been my lot, but I could live with it. After a short while he returned and judging from the scents about his person I deduce he has been over to see Phlee Dog Owner. I started my very best 'pleased to see you back' bounce and was building to a momentous crescendo, one of which I was quite justifiably proud, when he grabbed something off the table and ran out again and got back into Phlea Dog Owner's car. Without me, seeing as you ask! Well, long after dark he crashed through the front door giggling, so it has involved some quantity of red wine again then, and seemed genuinely disappointed that I didn't bounce about the place like a demented badger pleased to see him. There then followed much frying of bacon and stuff like that which splattered all up the walls and over the stove and floor and I think he is going to be in severe trouble when Cleaner Lady comes in tomorrow. This morning he remembered the chickens and rushed outside to discover two empty plates and a number of bits of plastic wrapping and a few bones, which seemed to cause a little anguish and turmoil in his mind. I guess it'll be KFC for ten again tonight then! Do you know he has got it down to twenty minutes for that little run now? So it was at this point that my breakfast decided to make a return visit together with what he seemed suspicious of being some bits of chicken. I can't imagine for the life of me how that got in there. Honest! The Owner grumbled considerably and disappeared under the stairs, returning with dustpans and towels and other such clearing up stuff. I thought, no need to waste good food or dirty the dustpan, just leave that to me! Have it cleared up in a jiffy! The Owner was having none of it though and set about clearing it up, I suspect he just wants it for himself! I think I'll take myself off up to the woods and find a nice sunny spot out of the wind and wait until he has finished with all that foaming carpet shampoo stuff and has had a chance to forget about his suspicion of my involvement in the demise of his two chickens.
Must mean we have guests coming today I thought. To make use of the remaining heat from the afternoon and evening sun he put the two frozen birds on plates and left them on the patio table just outside the boot room door. So far this is looking ok, but then a quick phone call diverted his attentions and he grabbed his fleece and ran out of the door leaving me behind! I guess an evening of solitary uninterrupted snoozing was going to have been my lot, but I could live with it. After a short while he returned and judging from the scents about his person I deduce he has been over to see Phlee Dog Owner. I started my very best 'pleased to see you back' bounce and was building to a momentous crescendo, one of which I was quite justifiably proud, when he grabbed something off the table and ran out again and got back into Phlea Dog Owner's car. Without me, seeing as you ask! Well, long after dark he crashed through the front door giggling, so it has involved some quantity of red wine again then, and seemed genuinely disappointed that I didn't bounce about the place like a demented badger pleased to see him. There then followed much frying of bacon and stuff like that which splattered all up the walls and over the stove and floor and I think he is going to be in severe trouble when Cleaner Lady comes in tomorrow. This morning he remembered the chickens and rushed outside to discover two empty plates and a number of bits of plastic wrapping and a few bones, which seemed to cause a little anguish and turmoil in his mind. I guess it'll be KFC for ten again tonight then! Do you know he has got it down to twenty minutes for that little run now? So it was at this point that my breakfast decided to make a return visit together with what he seemed suspicious of being some bits of chicken. I can't imagine for the life of me how that got in there. Honest! The Owner grumbled considerably and disappeared under the stairs, returning with dustpans and towels and other such clearing up stuff. I thought, no need to waste good food or dirty the dustpan, just leave that to me! Have it cleared up in a jiffy! The Owner was having none of it though and set about clearing it up, I suspect he just wants it for himself! I think I'll take myself off up to the woods and find a nice sunny spot out of the wind and wait until he has finished with all that foaming carpet shampoo stuff and has had a chance to forget about his suspicion of my involvement in the demise of his two chickens.
The Lesser of Two Evils
Well I made my dash for freedom and did indeed get chased by Small Boy with Lawn Mower which is quite a terrifying experience which I am not anxious to repeat. Even though The Owner was doing things like weeding and trimming to the lavender (Yuk & Phew!) bushes, I felt his protection was required. So I lay down at his feet among the bushes. It worked as Small Boy wandered off with his axe, looking particularly menacing, in the general direction of the woods at the top of the garden.
The Small Boy and The Lawn Mower.
Given my newly acquired bravery in the face of adversity such as The Lawnmower I attempt to get a better understanding of the process. Small Boy seemed to start it up and then randomly wheel it around the grass. The Owner of course refers to it as "The Side Lawn" but as you can see, with that many weeds in it I think just "Patch of Grass" is a far apt description. After about half an hour of randomly pushing the lawn mower about Small Boy seemed pleased with his attempts but The Owner seemed far less impressed and started going on about "Mist Patches". I'm not sure what or who Mist Patches is but I will report further on that when I get a better understanding of the matter. Now, how do I get off this pedestal and in doors for a Bonio without getting chased by Small Boy with Lawn Mower?
Small Boy Visits!!!
I'm sorry for the lack of further information on The Owner's frenetic activity late last week but as the events unfolded you really could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box. It was about the right time when I would be expecting The Owner to have started running up the stairs holding his belly when I heard a minibus pull up outside the cottage.
Ever protective of my territory I went rushing out ready to have an opinion, or several if required, when out of this minibus got Strange Man who I did kind of recognise. He wandered round to the other front door and lifted out Strange Woman! Now I do recognise her, she always gives me cream crackers with Marmite on! Can't stand the Marmite, but you never turn down anything to eat do you? Inside the minibus there was another shape which sort of unfolded sniffed loudly and grunted in the way that teenagers do when more than a few yards away from the fridge. I think.... yes it is.......it is Small Boy!! That was why The Owner had been making beds. Strange Man and Strange Woman left and she didn't even give me a Cream Cracker, with or without the Marmite! She has just been moved from my favourite list to my non favourite list! So, we have Small Boy for a few days........ now what little misdemeanour's do I need to offload? As it turned out I felt it wouldn't be right, he didn't need any help. Probably best to gloss over the tree that no longer has any branches or leaves but it did prove just how sharp his axe is! So that's alright then. Today he has just left and gone back home after Strange Woman came and picked him up and I have to say I was a little sad because I haven't seen him for a long while and it may be a while again.The Owner is strangely quiet this evening as well, I tried my little run around the carpet but I didn't really have my heart in it and it didn't make him smile either. The house is too quiet but I guess we'll get used to it again. Think I'll go and find my comfy cushion.......
Ever protective of my territory I went rushing out ready to have an opinion, or several if required, when out of this minibus got Strange Man who I did kind of recognise. He wandered round to the other front door and lifted out Strange Woman! Now I do recognise her, she always gives me cream crackers with Marmite on! Can't stand the Marmite, but you never turn down anything to eat do you? Inside the minibus there was another shape which sort of unfolded sniffed loudly and grunted in the way that teenagers do when more than a few yards away from the fridge. I think.... yes it is.......it is Small Boy!! That was why The Owner had been making beds. Strange Man and Strange Woman left and she didn't even give me a Cream Cracker, with or without the Marmite! She has just been moved from my favourite list to my non favourite list! So, we have Small Boy for a few days........ now what little misdemeanour's do I need to offload? As it turned out I felt it wouldn't be right, he didn't need any help. Probably best to gloss over the tree that no longer has any branches or leaves but it did prove just how sharp his axe is! So that's alright then. Today he has just left and gone back home after Strange Woman came and picked him up and I have to say I was a little sad because I haven't seen him for a long while and it may be a while again.The Owner is strangely quiet this evening as well, I tried my little run around the carpet but I didn't really have my heart in it and it didn't make him smile either. The house is too quiet but I guess we'll get used to it again. Think I'll go and find my comfy cushion.......
The Owners Second Breakfast
Am I allowed to make predictions? Well I think I can make just the one at this point and with a certain sense of inevitability. I think The Owner will be having a tender tummy before too long and soon he will be running up the stairs holding his belly with a certain sense of urgency.
He was up early this morning, far too early. He has been busy making beds and flitting around energetically with the duster (not a pretty sight as the sun comes over the horizon) and then chasing me around the room with that ruddy Dyson. Oh how we laughed! With altogether far too much energy expended that early in the morning he predictably made himself a cup of tea and collapsed into his favourite armchair and fell asleep. Asleep, that was, until his hand went limp and he spilled his tea all over his lap! Then he starts fidgeting, well as you can imagine I thought this was due in some part to his rather tea stained shirt and trousers. But no, he wanders off into the kitchen with that rather strange way of walking reserved for when a hoomun has wet shirt and trousers and starts clattering around in the bread bin. Empty! Well I knew it was! I thought this would have started more flour filled hours of fun as he made some more, but no! A quick visit to the freezer in the shed and he returns with a frozen loaf of bread and a solid pack of bacon. He tried valiantly to separate the frozen rashers and eventually threw the broken bits, still solid, into the pan and then turns his attention to trying to thaw sufficient of the loaf to cut two slices off the end. Bacon just about thawed and bread buttered he balanced the plate with the bread on top of the chip pan. Well even I could see that the plate was barely the same size as the chip pan! We now have a plate and two slices of bread floating around in the bottom of the chip pan and the plate appears not to want to come back out of the hole it so easily slid through. Unwilling to go through the whole bread thawing routine again he retrieves his pruning saw from the shed and cuts two more slices of bread and tells himself that it will thaw from the heat in the bacon. Presumably the same bacon which has been off the heat for a good ten minutes now and has fat starting to congeal around the edges. He proudly carried the fruit of his labours into the lounge to watch BBC Breakfast with the bread glistening like the grass on a frosty morning and the bread covered in a layer of congealed fat. Like I said, I can safely predict he will soon be running upstairs to the toilet with a pained expression on his face.
He was up early this morning, far too early. He has been busy making beds and flitting around energetically with the duster (not a pretty sight as the sun comes over the horizon) and then chasing me around the room with that ruddy Dyson. Oh how we laughed! With altogether far too much energy expended that early in the morning he predictably made himself a cup of tea and collapsed into his favourite armchair and fell asleep. Asleep, that was, until his hand went limp and he spilled his tea all over his lap! Then he starts fidgeting, well as you can imagine I thought this was due in some part to his rather tea stained shirt and trousers. But no, he wanders off into the kitchen with that rather strange way of walking reserved for when a hoomun has wet shirt and trousers and starts clattering around in the bread bin. Empty! Well I knew it was! I thought this would have started more flour filled hours of fun as he made some more, but no! A quick visit to the freezer in the shed and he returns with a frozen loaf of bread and a solid pack of bacon. He tried valiantly to separate the frozen rashers and eventually threw the broken bits, still solid, into the pan and then turns his attention to trying to thaw sufficient of the loaf to cut two slices off the end. Bacon just about thawed and bread buttered he balanced the plate with the bread on top of the chip pan. Well even I could see that the plate was barely the same size as the chip pan! We now have a plate and two slices of bread floating around in the bottom of the chip pan and the plate appears not to want to come back out of the hole it so easily slid through. Unwilling to go through the whole bread thawing routine again he retrieves his pruning saw from the shed and cuts two more slices of bread and tells himself that it will thaw from the heat in the bacon. Presumably the same bacon which has been off the heat for a good ten minutes now and has fat starting to congeal around the edges. He proudly carried the fruit of his labours into the lounge to watch BBC Breakfast with the bread glistening like the grass on a frosty morning and the bread covered in a layer of congealed fat. Like I said, I can safely predict he will soon be running upstairs to the toilet with a pained expression on his face.
Water Delivery Driver
Yesterday I made a new friend! Water Delivery Driver turned up on the wrong day only it wasn't Water Delivery Driver. Confused? So was I! It was his van and I always have a grumble when he turns up. Not because I am being agressive or anything but it makes him nervous and that amuses me. Mainly coz there are few in this world over whom i have any real authority.
So I psyched myself up for a big grumble at just the right point, and by that I mean when he has two big bottles of water, one in each hand and he is struggling to get in to the office door. This is the point at which it unbalances him most I have found and therefore gets the best effect. Well as he launched himself out of the door of the van and I was drawing a lung full of breath for a really big grumble, I realised it was not him! The Owner said his name was Relief (I think) and he looked at me and said "You ain't gonna mean that grumble are you?" and smiled. So I didn't, which was quite a good move coz he gave me a whole days supply of Bonio's in one go, which left The Owner quite speechless at the time and I really like Bonio's! Have I mentioned that before? Then this morning I was caught a little off guard. Relief's Van arrived again which was a little strange I thought so I may have been on for another Bonio or two again. Then Water Delivery Driver got out of the van. I am confused by this and not to mention caught out in the wrong place and without sufficient breath in my lungs for the customary grumble which was a bit of a shame but I promise to make up for it next time.
So I psyched myself up for a big grumble at just the right point, and by that I mean when he has two big bottles of water, one in each hand and he is struggling to get in to the office door. This is the point at which it unbalances him most I have found and therefore gets the best effect. Well as he launched himself out of the door of the van and I was drawing a lung full of breath for a really big grumble, I realised it was not him! The Owner said his name was Relief (I think) and he looked at me and said "You ain't gonna mean that grumble are you?" and smiled. So I didn't, which was quite a good move coz he gave me a whole days supply of Bonio's in one go, which left The Owner quite speechless at the time and I really like Bonio's! Have I mentioned that before? Then this morning I was caught a little off guard. Relief's Van arrived again which was a little strange I thought so I may have been on for another Bonio or two again. Then Water Delivery Driver got out of the van. I am confused by this and not to mention caught out in the wrong place and without sufficient breath in my lungs for the customary grumble which was a bit of a shame but I promise to make up for it next time.
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