The Owner and Slug

The Owner has had a less than perfect start to his day and so I am expecting mine to get worse! In recent weeks he has informed me that there has been a slug in the studio overnight. I was a little disbelieving at first as I had witnessed him going up the stairs to bed each night, I had heard him snoring away all night long and I had seen him come grumbling down the stairs again the following morning. So how could he have known? It turns out that the strange silvery marks on the carpet are not actually down to me at all, but are the "evidence" of the slugs nocturnal perambulations around the studio carpet. You would think with that much "evidence" (The Owner has been watching far too many crime dramas recently) as to where the slug had been it would be a straightforward process finding where it was. Even I couldn't find it! So each morning the carpet was further covered by the remains of a slimy trail and The Owner became more depressed that we couldn't find it. This morning he found it!! You'd have thought he would have been pleased, but oh no! There has been much huffing and puffing and yucking and I think it may be the calf sheds for me today for my own safety. We got to the studio as normal this morning and, as normal, he makes a mug of tea (I never get one unless Owners Daughter or Small Boy are here) and settles down to read his emails and other hoomun stuff. Placing his big mug on the desk beside him he absent mindedly took a sip periodically. It was during one of thise sips that I witnessed one of those beautiful moments when two species really connect. Gastropod Mollusc and Hoomun, eye to eye! It seems that Slug, as we are now on first name terms, joined by a common bond of being on the rough end of The Owners morning temper, had apparently felt that he liked the sensation of the warmth of the mug through his belly and slithered up the side of The Owner's tea mug. Slugs eyes, by his very nature, are on stalks and so were The Owner's when he realised what he was looking at and was about to take a sip from. There has been a lot of yucking over the last half an hour and the tea mug has been thrown out and so has Slug. I'll be in the calf sheds if anyone wants me.

Vic R Must Have Said Something

Yesterday was a bit of a strange day really. We set off, as if on patrol, about mid morning as far as I can tell but we stayed on the roads up past the farm which left me a bit confused as normally any patrol that stays on the roads and goes past the farm is heading for the pub and as far as I can tell it was far too early for that. Even in The Owner's surreal world! Then we jumped over the hedge and across the fields. I hadn't been across here before so I had to have a few wee's up hedges and stuff, just in case The Owner got lost coming back. He was carrying something with a lot of red on with him as we went, something I also hadn't seen before. We eventually re-emerged back on to the road up near where Vic R seems to come from and went up some steps and found a big stone thing which The Owner wouldn't let me wee up. He gave me a very hard stare and I reasoned that it was probably not worth the trouble I would be in if I tried. Sometimes you get those feelings when it gets into your mind to do something, have you ever noticed? The Owner sat there for a while swinging the red round thing by his side, seemingly lost in thought until Vic R appeared and a lot of other people also carrying red things. They all stood around the stone thing whilst Vic R spoke a lot and sung a bit and then he must have said something wrong coz there was a bit of an uneasy silence for a couple of minutes and one or two seemed a bit upset by the whole thing. I have noticed this kind of behaviour when one of the two ladies from the village has passed wind and everyone tries to pretend they haven't noticed. (Except the times when someone decides it would be better to blame me for the smell wafting around.) Even The Owner stopped his grumbling for a couple of minutes. Then everyone went up and put their red things on the steps of the stone thing and then talked a lot. Now I reckon they are all going to be in trouble later as when they all left none of them thought to pick up their red things and left them on the stone thingy. Now I've seen the terrible state Church Warden gets himself in when the kids leave stuff in the churchyard that shouldn't be there and it really is not a sight for the faint hearted so when he comes and finds this little lot I feel sure he is going to have an opinion on the matter and it won't be a very positive one!

The Dyson Is At It Again

Yesterday it seemed obvious from the start that someone was coming to see us. The Dyson was dragged out of hibernation from under the stairs. That put The Owner in a bad mood, I thought, straight away, and so early in the day! Well, when he put all that stuff in that cupboard I remember quite distinctly forming the opinion it may be a little unsafe to push it all in and shut the door quick, but The Owner had clearly forgotten exactly what was behind the door as he opened the door with a flourish and promptly disappeared under a deluge of odds and sods that came tumbling out. I beat a hasty retreat to my comfy cushion in case I was blamed in some way for the fall-out which was quite fortunate as it happened because I found a crumb from a discarded Bonio underneath it. The Owner started pushing my nemesis around the carpets and it confirmed some of my suspicions about its intent. On the carpet and presumably out of The Owner's gaze, was a handkerchief which the Dyson devoured with great gusto and promptly blocked the pipe. There then followed much grumbling as he removed the blockage and cleared up some of the dust and my hair for the second time in as many minutes. Minutes later it turned its attentions to some length of speaker wire which wound itself around the brushes and prompted the use of words that I pretend not to understand. Now this all did not bode well for a peaceful day, however I may have been wrong as Owners Daughter turned up and had a box of Bonio's in her car boot and perhaps a little bizarrely, two bananas! I never did discover the significance of the bananas but I am very aware of the significance of a box of Bonios. Of course the significance of a visit from Owners Daughter is that everything is turned off and not left on stand by and The Owner has been grumbling more than a little at having to get up and turn everything on again after he has settled down with the squidger which never seems as efficient at turning things on when the appliance it relates to is turned off by Owners Daughter.

Checking the Sky

After yesterday witnessing such strange goings on the other side of Swindon, which the hoomuns around there seemed to accept as perfectly normal, it has been preying on my mind and to be honest I didn't sleep a wink last night thinking about it. I watched intently as the bus picked up the kids this morning to take them to school and it certainly didn't show any signs of lifting all its wheels off the ground and heading to the moon. Yet yesterday I watched a massive bus on big legs and wheels with funny things poking out the side, which frankly would have made it impossible to get round the corner in the village by the church, take on loads of hoomuns and then jump off the ground into the sky and head to the moon with altogether far too much noise for my liking! The Owner seemed to accept it as normal as well, but that doesn't mean much as anything he does seems to fall far short of being normal as far as I can see. I didn't see the big bus come back down to the ground so I have to assume that it is still up there somewhere and I have spent much of my time today watching, just in case it comes back down here somewhere. I may need to have an opinion if it tries to land in the village!

Terminal Five!

Well, what a morning I have had already. I have been beyond Swindon and discovered that it is indeed a very strange and wondrous place! Early this morning, very early this morning, The Owner came grumbling down the stairs. It was so early that I had barely finished my dream of a bevvie of lady chocolate labs carrying me shoulder high to a secret room that had the walls stacked high with Bonio boxes. I had not yet had time to get on to the one where I gamble carefree through the meadows and wake myself up when I hit my head on my food bin in the boot room through the urgency of my twitching. I wasn't about to complain as he then fed me. Then Phlee Dog Owner turned up in his car and off we went..... past Swindon! We arrived at a place that I think was called Terminal Five, which is a very strange name for a place, then Phlee Dog Owner jumped out, grabbed his bag and ran off through the crowds and left me and The Owner in the car park! I fancied a quick patrol of the big field but I couldn't find a way through the fence and it was far too high to jump over it. As it turned out it was probably for the better as there were what I thought may have been big buses although they were very high off the ground and they had funny flat arms coming out of their sides, I don't think they would get one of them down through the village picking up the kids for school in the morning. All these people were getting on them and then they drove off, albeit a bit noisily, and then this really big one went very fast and very loudly down this big road and then suddenly the front end was pointing at the sky and it was off the ground!!!!! All of it's wheels!!! Off the ground!!!! I last saw it heading for the moon, I think! There was also a K9 called Sniffer Black Lab and he was totally out of control. He went round sniffing at all these people in a manner that most hoomuns seem to disapprove of, when I do that I usually get a sharp slap across the nose and a disapproving look from The Owner. Anyway, there was this lady hoomun with a big bag and Sniffer Black Lab went up to her and did paws and then she got tied up and taken away somewhere. When I do paws I usually expect a Bonio, I now realise that the other side of Swindon it must means something very different. I think I ought to remember that, it may come in very handy! We didn't see Phlee Dog Owner again but I think he may be very cross with The Owner when we see him again, The Owner took his car and he drove home again. I am a bit worried about those big buses still, I have been keeping a very wary eye upwards as the moon has now disappeared from the sky and the bus must be still up there somewhere looking for it. It is a very strange place the other side of Swindon and I am not keen to go again.

The Owner's New Camera!

The Owner has a new camera! Need I say more?

Halloween and all things related.

As I study hoomun behaviour, every once in a while I think I am getting the hang of it and then I get thrown another curve ball and I finish up in deeper poo, and not the kind I can get my shoulder down in either. Tonight was just such an occasion and I am now in the boot room but the back door is open so I have been able to get out and reap the spoils of my earlier misdemeanour. Top of my list of unfathomable hoomun behaviour is "Halloween". Now what's that all about then? All evening the hoomun kids from the little estate in the village have been banging on the door demanding treats from The Owner. I was understandably anxious that The Owner may have given them one of my Bonios but he did give them a little hoomun treat which was a big mistake as it turned out. Word got around and half the neighbouring towns kids from around the county were beating a path to our front door. After the fifth group of kids banging on the front door The Owner was showing signs of losing his charitable bon hommie so I thought I would help out a little and I lay in wait up the top of the garden. A car pulled up in the lay-by and I waited until they got up to the front door before I launched my charge. Silently racing through the cherry orchard, round by the satellite dish letting out my fiercest bark as I arrived in the porch....... well I didn't know he had ordered a chinese take away to be delivered did I? Chinese Delivery Yoof stood rooted to the spot in terror and dropped the bag with the take-away all over the porch floor. The Owner didn't seem pleased to see his tea all over the floor as it happens. Chinese Delivery Yoof seemed unable to understand the mistake either and he seemed to imply that The Owner may be needing to get someone else to deliver his tea in future. So as I said, I am in the boot room but the back door is open. So if you'll excuse me, I am off to have another quick lick of the front porch floor. The Owner has cleared up but I think there may be a bit more flavour to be extracted from the stone floor.