The Badger Poo Virgin!

Oh man was I in trouble last night! I know you hoomun's have a saying about a problem being better when shared, well I now can see the merit in the argument. Yesterday afternoon I was pleasantly surprised to see Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner turn up at the cottage. As, presumably, was The Owner given that he was still wandering around in his boxer shorts and little else. That situation under control and his legs covered by some trousers, which he had only put in the tumble dryer five minutes before. He looked a comical sight as he wandered around for the next few minutes with steam coming from his legs and bum. We all four of us went for a walk across the hill. I was particularly pleased about this as I knew that up the top of the hill there is a badger sett and I have noticed there is evidence of badgers having been about over night when on patrol in the mornings. Now you're ahead of me here aren't you? Badgers out of hibernation means...........badger poo!!! So, whilst The Owner and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner wandered along the edge of the field at the top of the hill holding hands and other disgusting hoomun stuff I took Lady Chocolate Lab up to introduce her to a particularly gooey dollop of badger poo. Now it would seem that she is something of a badger poo virgin, but it must be a genetic thing with K9's as she took to it like a...... well, like a lab to badger poo really! We got really down and dirty in it, until I heard The Owner whistling for me to come back. The two of us ran flat out down the hill towards our Owners. Lady Chocolate Lab put her arms out to great her K9 as we bounded faster and faster towards them. I remember thinking at the time she isn't going to be happy any time now. The Owner, not wishing to appear at all grumpy did likewise, so I obliged and we all four of us tumbled over and over and down the hill, a combination of twelve legs, four arms and two tails. It was about half way through the tumbling that I became aware of a change in the tone of the shrieks, from those of delight to those of disgust. Another hoomun who has no appreciation of the finer points of badger poo! It was a long and silent walk back to the cottage and we were both subjected to a dose of the yard broom and hosepipe when we got back. Followed by a spell in the boot room! I am thinking that the boot room is not so bad when shared! I can't help but feel that I am somehow being held responsible by all three.....

The Dunking of The Bonio!

In recent days I have been rather spoiled for the supply of Bonio's from visitors (various) and it has given me an unusual feeling of wealth if I am honest. Until today!!! The Owner was wandering around in the kitchen looking particularly menacing with a cleaning cloth in one hand and a squirty bottle of something in the other. I only find it menacing because it always follows the cleaning cloth with the ruddy Dyson being taken out of hibernation and used as a means of K9 torture again. It was what followed which caused most ire for me. The Owner appeared from the cupboard (he refers to it in very grand terms as "The Pantry" although I have been told with some authority that that room was once the toilet for hoomuns! Need I say more? He was carrying my tin where he keeps my Bonios. I got quite excited at the prospect and started waving my paws around in the air to secure one for me, when he picks up the tin and throws the entire contents in the bin!!!!! He tried to justify it by telling me that they were stale ones and they had gone mouldy. Well I would have liked some input here! I feel the same procedure as The Owner deploys when he has had his socks on for several days may have made them edible again. Bang them several times over the arm of the settee and then shake them a bit before putting them on. Leave the putting them on bit to one side but a quick chomp afterwards would have been nice to try. I was traumatised and still smarting from the experience when we wandered to the studio. Come elevenses time and he has a ritual cup of coffee which I thoroughly enjoy. Not the coffee, you understand, can't stand the stuff, but I always get a Bonio and two Markies whilst he sits and slurps his coffee and dunks his Rich Tea's. 'Twas then it happened! He picked up my Bonio, so I got excited, but instead of it coming in my general direction he dunked it in his coffee and stuffed it in his own mouth!!!!!!! Realising his mistake he threw it to the floor and then indicated I should eat it!!! Soaked in coffee!!! And it's been in The Owner's mouth!!!!! I do have standards you know!!!!! I am going to wear out the "!" key in a minute and it will be all his fault. I left the coffee Bonio to dry in the sun for a while and then chomped it quietly out of sight. I think I will be mostly having a lie down this evening! I wonder if he has lit that fire yet?

The Owner is Brought Home

Yesterday morning's patrol was an unusually early affair as The Owner strode purposefully across the fields which I thought was unusual on so many levels. But never one to turn down a good patrol, and more particularly the Bonio which I always get upon our return, I was eager to comply. When we were still about a mile from home some rotten bugger turned the taps on in the sky and I had water running out of my nose and out of my tail and one or two other places I won't mention in polite company. There was little consolation from the rub down with the warm towel but I managed to derive some little comfort from sucking thoughtfully on a Chicken Bonio and curling up on The Owners velvet cushions. That was until he caught me and evicted me from the settee and announced to the world that as the sun was now out we ought to take advantage of it and go for another patrol. Perhaps predictably for a Sunday lunchtime the patrol was in the general direction of the pub and with little surprise the heavens opened when we were closer to the pub than we were to the cottage. The pub won and we went for a warm and a bit of a dry out by their wood burner. The visit was a resounding success! I was warm, I was dry and to round it all off nicely I had a belly full of roast potatoes and The Owner hadn't noticed me sneak one of them. Then came the worst part of the day and one for which I won't be able to hold my head up in noble circles again. The Owner and Pub Landlord bundled me in to the cage in the back of Pub Landlords truck. Me, with breeding, and put in a cage! It got worse! I was shoved, without ceremony, through the front door to the cottage and a handful of food was thrown into my dish, this is usually a sign he intends to not be back until late. After he had gone I noticed he had left the boot room door open so I was at least going to get some freedom for the afternoon. I had a couple of little wanders around the manor gardens, just to check whether Lady Manor Gardening Hoomun was keeping on top of things or not and then I heard a car pull up outside. I thought he has being brought back again by Pub Landlord Hoomun at first but it wasn't his truck and so I thought it must be a taxi, but I was wrong!! Oh the humiliation! Please, no-one witness this! Oh no! two cars coming and both of which I recognise..... to witness....... The Owner...... being helped..... out of.......a....... No, I can't bring myself to say it! No, I must say. He was brought home by a policecar!!!! And he was seen!!!!! By people I know!!!!!! I have absolutely no idea what he has been up to and judging by the state of him neither did he. Oh the shame! The shame!

Kicked off The Cushions

Look! He wasn't using the cushions, so it seems perfectly reasonable to me that I can! Ok?

The Bus and the Bus Stop

Today I have had an adventure, and for those of you who are observing that my adventures of late have taken me into very different territory, you would be right and I am not so comfortable with it! Today I have been exploring and trying (desperately) to understand hoomuns in different places and circumstances. Today I was taken (on a lead and no pub rules applied here) down to the Bus Stop! I have never been on a bus before so I was perhaps understandably a little concerned when we got there. It seemed a little understated I thought, the Bus Stop. No doors, no curtains at the windows, in fact it was all windows, but I sat there, amongst some very strange deposits that even I could not have mustered, all over the floor. I was certainly not going to sniff that lot, I have breeding I do!! Then the bus turned up. Now I am seeing the connection here, Bus Stop and Bus, which stopped, but when it did the door opened and then it lowered itself! Well I was not about to get on that!! So The Owner had to carry me on, how embarrassing? We got to Chippenham on the Bus but he (Driver) did seem to stop more than The Owner when going to The Pub on a Friday night when trying to show off his latest car! We walked to an office (and not The Owners) from another Bus Stop, (there seems to be more than one) but when we got there the doors were shut, but as we walked up to it the door opened, on it's own! The Owner walked in but I was not about to follow, moving doors, no one opening them?? I was carried in, how embarrassing was that?? I felt vindicated and insulted at the same time, The Owner was told he couldn't bring me in, "That Dog was not allowed in"! Hello? I have breeding I do! As we walked out I wee'd on the door post as a mark of disdain, although looking at the door pillar there were quite a few stains as well as the disdain that I was depositing. I am guessing that he won't be getting that job either! When we got to the Bus Stop in Chippenham for our return trip I was a little more prepared for the strange things that happen with Buses, however I was not prepared for what happened next. The Owner tried to whisk me up the stairs!! I was not about to go up there!!!!! I was carried up the stairs, how embarrassing was that?After our return trip on the Bus, home was a welcome sight and a comforting Bonio was called for, well, ok two were called for! Now where is my comfy cushion?

The Train to Bath

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. It started well, went through moments of terror and then finished on a high of chewie treats. The Owner took me to the station yesterday and I have never been to one of them before so I was particularly excited. I was a little confused at first as The Owner put me on a lead, I normally only wear a lead in the pub (pub rules) and it was quite early in the day for that. But then we jumped in a car and went to The Station. I use capital letters to add an air of gravitas. There were many posts all over the platform for me to wee up and I did my best! I didn't want to appear greedy and wee on them all but there was a group of small shiny posts all together so I thought I would just do them and call it a day. Well I've never seen a zimmer frame before and I felt Old Lady Hoomun made far too much of it to be honest! Fortunately the train arrived with a great deal to say on the matter and that was really quite exciting. Actually it was quite terrifying and a little bit of wee dribbled out which was a bit embarrassing. Station Master was a bit rude as well he said to The Owner, "Keep that dog away from the gap"!!!!! THAT DOG????? Does he not realise I was born on Lord Bath's estate? I have breeding! And I can assure you that I have no intention of falling down there, so I hopped in a particularly nimble fashion on to the train, just to prove a point. Well it was quite nice on the train, lots of hoomuns and they were all very friendly, apart from The Owner who just grumbled a lot but that was normal. Then, from nowhere, it happened!! "Bing bong bing! All those for Bath get off here!" Bath?!?!?!? Is that where we were going? All this way just to have a Bath!! Have I been duped???? Well I wasn't going to get off there, so I tried to hide under the seat. The Owner dragged me out from under there and lifted me onto the platform. I was not going to make this easy for him so he had to drag me across the platform and I left a long line of claw marks behind me. All the way to the stairs! I don't do baths!!! Well I think the bing bong bing hoomun was only teasing as we didn't have a bath, instead we went to a hotel for lunch and met Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner so I thought it was a good day out on reflection. When we got back to the cottage last night The Owner got his post and did his usual mantra of head in hands and saying "How much?" but there was a big parcel there and I could see my name on it. My friend called BH7 had sent me some more chewie sticks!!! I like my friend from BH7! I just wish I knew who it was!

Some thoughts on a Bluetooth!

Well today I thought The Owner had finally lost it! There are a few, less charitable than myself and probably without the breeding either, who have eluded to The Owner having lost it ages ago. If indeed he ever had it in the first place. I have always chosen to hold on to the hope that whatever "it" is, there may be a small shadow of "it" still residing in there somewhere. Particularly when in hope of a Bonio, have I mentioned that I am really quite fond of the odd Bonio? He has been shopping again and I could tell from the manic giggling and chortling from the front of the car on the way back that he had bought himself something that had piqued his interest and fired his imagination. A dangerous combination I have come to realise! We arrived back at the cottage and there was much ripping of cardboard followed by a great deal of words that I pretend not to understand. The cross words were caused by the standard of packaging and the packagers ability to hide the little tab to pull on, by which it all seems to come undone. I found just such a tab one day on The Owner's jumper and it all came undone very easily after a quick tug on that. He was in a frightful bait after that too! After first using his thumbnail, then his teaspoon, followed by his pen knife he eventually finished up by retrieving his hammer from the shed and beating it into submission as he does on every other occasion when packaging gets the better of him. It was at this point I noticed the rather odd behaviour start, all the previous behaviour being normal for him. I thought at first he was talking to someone, but there was no-one there. I thought then that perhaps he was talking to me but as I have not got any bricks for him to order let alone deliver them for him by Friday I guessed that he was not talking to me either. His new toy and best friend is a new Bluetooth Jawbone headset, I know, because he has been ringing everyone up whilst standing beside the washing machine when it is spinning and saying to them can you hear that? Then laughing uncontrollably as he explains that the washing machine (nearly as demonic as the ruddy Dyson) is right beside him and working flat out. He has even been knocking on the front door to get me to bark loudly and snarl a bit whilst on his "Bluetooth Jawbone". After the tenth time of doing that (maybe more, I lost count) I have stolen it from the coffee table when he wasn't looking and buried it in the garden! That should have put paid to the problem for a while although he is now rushing around upending all the furniture and other stuff looking for it, which is nearly as distracting as when he was using it! Next I predict he will be arguing with the insurance call centre and swearing about merekats again. Today shows all the promise of a day without any peace at all. I think I may go and snuggle up with the calves in the straw bales. True, they do make quite a bit of noise, but it may be quieter than here!