My Collision With The Owner

Today I was beginning to feel I may have been forgiven for the damp duvet incident. The day had gone well, The Owner had his coffee and sat on the step in the sunshine and gave me two Bonio's. It's not often I get two Bonio's! Then, a little earlier than normal he grabs his phone and his keys and says "C'mon Jack, let's go and have some lunch shall we?" and we wandered home. I should explain that last night The Owner had mowed the lawns, even the ones around the back and the paths up into the woods by the barbie. It must mean that someone important is coming to see him or he would never have bothered with the back of the cottage and the paths in the woods. So, unusually, it is possible to completely circumnavigate the cottage without getting stung in one's important little places. Now big words like that do tend to impress me with my own brilliance! Whilst The Owner went inside I stayed outside and had a poo, which always leaves me with an irresistible urge to run very fast. So I thought I would run all the way round the cottage very fast. It was great fun! I was nearing the end of the third circuit when it all went horribly wrong. As I rounded the corner of the porch on the front door The Owner was wandering out with a plate and a sandwich in one hand and a mug of tea in the other looking for a nice spot to sit and have his lunch. Well I hadn't allowed for this! I also felt he was making just a little too much of the whole affair with the way he threw his sandwich and drink in the air as I ran into him. There was a certain amount of venom went into the way he cut some more bread for a replacement sandwich, but the good news was I noticed where the sandwich went and when the dust has settled a little I will go and find it. I think until then I may keep out of the way a little.

The Aftermath of The Owner's Damp Bed

I was sooooooo right yesterday, when I predicted there would be ructions when The Owner went to bed last night. I had fallen foul, or rather in the hole that Road Worker Hoomun had dug in the road which by then had become a victim of the pond which had spread to include all the road, the ditch and some of the field. Because he was sat in the middle of what was formerly known as the road, I felt that I could have been easily excused for not realising there was actually a hole under there. That was until I fell in it of course! I had no sympathy at all from The Owner who laughed at my downfall in a particularly raucous fashion all the way home as I dribbled water behind me. As he hadn't toweled me off and had left me at home alone I found my way to his bed as somewhere warm and dry to lay for a while until I dried a little. My prediction was that he may have an opinion or two when he went to bed himself and found it to be a little more damp than he had been expecting. The evening had gone well and he ruffled my ears absent mindedly as he watched the TV and slurped loudly at his wine. It almost seemed a shame that it was going to end so loudly later, but hey ho, I am just a K9 after all. What could I do? Well, as predicted, soon after he went up the stairs there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from his bedroom. Well what could I do? You're right - hide! So I have found that there is enough room - just - for me to squeeze down the side of the tumble dryer and hide behind the fridge. As long as I don't mind sharing it with several odd socks, two pairs of boxers, a towel..... and a sink plunger! No idea what the sink plunger was doing there either! I think he must have slept last night in Small Boys bed as he isn't here during the week. When he came down the stairs this morning I heard him put the kettle on as normal and empty the tea pot as normal, but the door to the boot room didn't open for some time. This was a little worrying as the bladder was getting fairly stretched and not helped by the cramped spot I had spent the night. When the door was finally opened he stood there, in his boxer shorts, arms folded in a very uncompromising manner and a scowl on his face, which was frankly enough to have even silenced those two old ladies in the village that smell of lavender (yuk and phew!) who never stop talking. I have a feeling today could be a very long day, I was even put on a lead for the walk to the studio this morning!

The Hole That I Couldn't See in The Pond

Well, the observant among you may have noticed that we have had a little rain over the last few days. Today the weather showed little signs of change. I know this makes me sound a little like the hoomuns I have seen around the village spending hours discussing the wevva.... and beer. On patrol (in the rain) with The Owner at lunch time I encountered some very strange hoomun behaviour which I am at something of a loss to explain. The pond, was quite full and had spread right across the road. Nothing unusual in that, given the wevva, you are thinking. The unusual bit was Road Workman on his little digger, in the middle of it, digging a very large hole under the water. I found out later that he was digging a hole for new sewer pipes which will probably give The Owner some comfort that his taxes are being well spent. Now how did I know he had dug a hole under the water? Well, as you ask, The Owner stopped to chat and try and impress Road Workman with his knowledge on digging holes and to show off his new wellington boots as he stood in the water. I had a quick sniff around his digger and wee'd on his tracks. Then I walked across the front of it and was somewhat surprised to get a mouth full of water and found myself unable to see anything through about four feet of murky water in the hole that Road Workman was apparently digging. The Owner showed his usual sympathy at my predicaments and laughed loudly as I spluttered my way to the surface again. The water was very muddy, and so was I when I clambered out. The Owner was far too busy to worry about drying me off a little with a rub down with a towel when we got back and soon disappeared back to the studio leaving me at home. He left me looking for some way of drying myself off a little. Well I am predicting there may be words said when he goes to bed later, I found just the spot to dry off a little and keep warm. I don't think The Owner will be happy with it though. The boot room is dry enough! :)

My Ride in The Pizza Delivery Van

Well, what an adventure I've just had! When we left the studio this evening we got to the road and there was much pondering as The Owner debated with himself over whether we turned and went to the pub or turned for home. It took a while, but eventually he decided and we came home. The Owner started to fidget until he fumbled through the letter box and out dropped an advert from the pizza shop offering two for the price of one. The naive among you would now be thinking that maybe the free one may be destined for me? Wrong! But that wasn't the adventure. Pizza Yoof arrived and came bounding up the pathway with far too much enthusiasm and bonne homme for all in a half mile radius. He stood at the front door, talking to The Owner and bounding around the front porch like a demented badger. He had left his car door open! And the front gate! Never one to turn down a trip out in a car I hopped in and then over on to the back seat and settled down to wait. Eventually he bounded back up the path and jumped in the car and shut the door. Excellent, I thought. We are off for a ride. Pizza Yoof turned the radio on very loud and started singing loudly and jumping around in his seat. I have to report his singing was going to win him absolutely no prizes on !The Voice. My little trip was going well, I thought and then he rummaged in his bag and produced a biscuit which he had a quick chomp on as we drove along. I was getting concerned that a bit of that biscuit was not coming my way so I sat up and tapped him on his shoulder with my paw and woofed a bit. Well I think he overreacted and behaved in a very dramatic manner! Fortunately the pub sign was not showing much damage, unlike Pizza Yoof's car bumper! I was brought back to the cottage and couldn't help notice our formerly bouncy Pizza Yoof was a little more subdued, in fact, sort of, like, well... normal. He is out there now with The Owner and a length of wire and a bit of string and a broken bumper. I reasoned that I am going to be sent to the bootroom when The Owner comes back in so I may just save him the trouble and take myself off there now. And he still didn't share his biscuit with me!!!!

The Visit to The Opticians

I have discovered today what an optician is and I think tomorrow we need to discover a different one! Last week sometime, the electricity went off, and so when we wandered home after patrol, the cottage was dark and silent. All he had to do was to go and press the switch, but no, he starts to reminisce about his childhood and the three day week. I have yet to work out what a three day week is as ours around here are all seven days. Must be a the other side of Swindon! He decided that an evening "By the light of the fire and a few candles" would be a good way to spend the time. Now something I have noticed about hoomuns is that their eyesight is not so good in the dark as us K9's. He went round to the wood shed and after fumbling around a little and swearing a bit, he re-emerged with an armful of logs. Inside the cottage his eyesight had improved none and I could see he was about to tread on his reading glasses in the middle of the floor. I was right!! He did tread on his glasses in the middle of the floor! Sometimes I even surprise myself! This necessitated us making a trip today into town to the opticians. He can be so embarrassing sometimes, when he feels a certain sense of injustice. No one else thinks his injustices are unjust, only in his little world. After selecting a pair off the rack that weren't bent and twisted like his old ones he went to pay for them as Mummy Hoomun was sorting out some for her small boy (not to be confused with my Small Boy) and Optician Hoomun said they were free. The Owner's were not free! They were the cause of much holding head in hands and shouting "How much?!?!?" There then followed much shouting and arguing about how much he has paid in taxes and stuff and as a large crowd was gathering at the shop doorway to see what the noise was about I crept outside and awaited the end of the argument when he was asked to leave again. Rolling in badger poo is such a simple way of life, don't you think?

Thoughts on Gold Foil Stuck to Noses

I have been more than a little charitable to The Owner during his recent "Medical Problems". I am not drawing any conclusions from his experiences and his palpitations occurring shortly after the arrival of his new medical dictionary! There is also a section I have noticed at the back on K9 ailments, which he is reading at the moment, amidst periodic glances in my direction over the top of his glasses (more of which later I am sure), accompanied by the occasional episode of K9 manhandling as he prods and pokes his way to disproving a further life affecting K9 affliction. Look, I am healthy!!! OK?!?!?!? I will of course draw no inference from the fact that the K9 section is at the back! However, after this morning, my formerly charitable feeling of "bon homme" has evaporated. Last night, he was drinking beer from bottles with funny corks in which he delights in firing around the room whilst trying to see how many times he can bounce them off walls, ceilings and other furniture and still hit me on the rump. They also come with gold foil covers over the top. This morning after breakfast and early patrol I had a quick sniff around the living room carpet looking for any traces of Bonio chomps from last night, or other edible detritus left behind, when a piece of this gold foil got stuck to my wet nose. It could be thought of in the same terms as hoomuns wearing mittens and then getting a hair in their mouths. Paws and claws are just not good at getting rid of bits of gold foil stuck to damp noses! The Owner, predictably, has found the whole matter very amusing and keeps laughing loudly at me every time he sees me and, as the foil in question is sticking up at the front of my nose, and in permanent view from where I can see it, keeps asking whether I prefer a cross hair or traditional blade sight. I responded by finding some badger poo for one shoulder and something indescribable in the calf sheds for the other. I was then banished to the boot room until the hose had been dug out of the shed and the yard broom rescued from wherever Small Boy had left it. I was then washed down in rather too rough a manner for someone of my breeding. He has now stolen my comfy cushion and my duvet and both are in the washing machine. The poo I found has been a particularly good vintage and has resisted normal attempts at removal. I am choosing to draw no conclusion at the moment from the fact that he is calling me in an altogether too friendly fashion from the bathroom, after much sloshing of water in the bath. I will report later on the glasses situation.

The Birthday Tea

Today is Friday and, perhaps predictably, we have been to the pub, "To celebrate your Birthday Jack!" he said. Am I missing something here? My Birthday, he gets the drink? The good news is that I managed to get him back home and past the pond without incident. Now, yesterday, we went to the studio. The Owner said to me, "Jack my boy, t's your birthday!" Well after past Birthdays I was immediately suspicious, I still remember the hangover! But, he offered me a dish of tea which I thought sounded a good idea. When Small Boy makes me tea I find it quite pleasant as an experience so I got quite excited and bounced around a lot. Well, three pints of tea was perhaps a little bit too much but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth do you? It was about an hour before the bladder became a little too uncomfortable, so The Owner let me out in to the paddock. Well I wee'd and I wee'd and I wee'd! The Owner was a little uncharitable, I felt, when he asked me if I wanted the Sunday papers to read whilst I was busy. When we got back to the cottage, Postman had delivered lots of chews and doggy chomps. Well, I had to sample a few didn't I? Not sure what was in one of them but it made me feel a bit funny and I finished up running from room to room. I couldn't help it!!!! The tally was; 2 pint glasses (full), a box of champagne flutes (now a box of bits), his favourite tea mug (no handle), his dinner plate (full), oh yes, and the table lamp (now without a lampshade). I am thinking that Birthdays may be overrated! I am going for a lie down!