The Owner arrived back from the supermarket in town clutching a little packet of something which he threw in the washing machine, along with his pink shirt and trousers and one or two other bits he'd turned pink as well. Then he opened the door again and checked through it all for anything that may have been a colour other than white then closed the door again.
He looked at it for a while, holding his chin, and then opened the door and checked for a third time, just in case. With the washing machine gently whirring in the corner the phone rang, it was Tesco, ringing to say they were sorry for their driver being late getting to him and she could be another half an hour. About half way through I saw a light bulb come on as he suddenly remembered the delivery, so he made much of how he had "been waiting in all morning for her to turn up" and "is this the way they treat their customers" etc.. Tesco Driver Lady Yoof turned up and was severely 'tutted' at for his inconvenience and immediately forgiven when she knocked his delivery charge off the bill. We went to the village fete this afternoon and he refused to take his blazer off because of a very pink shirt, even though it was too hot. The Hoomun Lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle from a hundred yards was having a big argument over what was the correct filling for a Victoria sponge with the two old sisters from the Old Rectory, so that hadn't changed since last year, they were arguing about it then! Vic R. was there with his family and I still cannot work out what Vic's surname was. The Owner was joking with him about his dog collar but my one is not white like that. I went and sat behind the burger van hopeful of a morsel or two and was not disappointed and even more so when the two sisters and the lady with the breath that could de-scale a kettle etc. worked their argument up to such a pitch that they were throwing cakes at each other. I of course volunteered to clean up after them. Oh the tranquillity of village life!
Monday, 9 August 2010
The Small Boy visits with Strange Woman
Last weekend Small Boy came and spent the weekend with us and he brought his mother who I think is called Strange Woman. At least that's what The Owner keeps calling her. The woman was a whirling dervish! If it wasn't screwed down then it was put in the dishwasher or washing machine, if it was screwed down or too big for her to lift then it was hoovered and polished!
She was getting far too close to some of my toys for my liking so I took my favourite little red dragon soft toy and hid it upstairs where I'm not supposed to go. This morning it has resurfaced! It is the morning of The Village Church Fete when traditionally old ladies draw battle lines over a Victoria sponge and The Owner likes to wear his special Village Church Fete white shirt and cream coloured trousers with his blazer. So he gets them and washes them for the occasion. You're ahead of me here aren't you? My little red dragon is a pale imitation of its original self and The Owners shirt and trousers have a distinct pink tinge to them. Fortunately Strange Woman seems to have got the blame! He's jumped into the car and rushed off to town to get something to remove the colour which in itself is going to cause further problems as the Tesco Driver Hoomun Yoof is due any minute and after last weeks shouting match over the missing Bonio box (Tee hee, got away with that!) I don't think he will be feeling much like waiting at the gate for The Owner's return. The day could worsen yet as he will be looking for his funny straw hat later and I know that is behind the tumble dryer in the boot room, half chewed and full of fluff and cobwebs. I'll keep you posted.
She was getting far too close to some of my toys for my liking so I took my favourite little red dragon soft toy and hid it upstairs where I'm not supposed to go. This morning it has resurfaced! It is the morning of The Village Church Fete when traditionally old ladies draw battle lines over a Victoria sponge and The Owner likes to wear his special Village Church Fete white shirt and cream coloured trousers with his blazer. So he gets them and washes them for the occasion. You're ahead of me here aren't you? My little red dragon is a pale imitation of its original self and The Owners shirt and trousers have a distinct pink tinge to them. Fortunately Strange Woman seems to have got the blame! He's jumped into the car and rushed off to town to get something to remove the colour which in itself is going to cause further problems as the Tesco Driver Hoomun Yoof is due any minute and after last weeks shouting match over the missing Bonio box (Tee hee, got away with that!) I don't think he will be feeling much like waiting at the gate for The Owner's return. The day could worsen yet as he will be looking for his funny straw hat later and I know that is behind the tumble dryer in the boot room, half chewed and full of fluff and cobwebs. I'll keep you posted.
Oh Lordy, I am in so much trouble this afternoon! The Owner was sat at his desk absent mindedly munching on a sandwich. There was me wishing his leg would fall off or something as he hadn't given me a Bonio whilst he was eating. He says it ensures I understand who is boss if I eat after him. Huh! I know who is boss!
Well a car pulled up outside and then it all went quiet again. The door burst open and a man dressed completely in black burst through the door! Well I was terrified and The Owner didn't seem to be any happier than I was, so I felt it my duty to protect him and leapt over the desk with a lot to say on the matter. Well the man in black fell to the floor whimpering so I felt I had made my point. I think his name was Vic R. but I didn't quite catch his last name. The Owner picked Vic up off the floor and sat him on a seat and all Vic kept saying was "Oh Lord Bless me!" and "Oh my goodness!". The Owner gave me a particularly hard stare and made Vic one of his special coffee's that he only has once a day. Then Vic asked for another coffee and then another, which I felt was starting to make mountains out of what was only a little woof. After a while and when Vics hands seemed to be shaking quite badly (and I know this coz it took three attempts to get his keys in the car door) Vic was on his way. The Owner said I was going to hell for that one. Didn't quite understand what he meant by that and I am not sure where Hell is, perhaps its near Swindon somewhere, by the way he spoke about it I don't think it was going to be a very nice place so it probably is near Swindon. Either way I think I'll go up to the calf sheds for the afternoon, just in case!
Well a car pulled up outside and then it all went quiet again. The door burst open and a man dressed completely in black burst through the door! Well I was terrified and The Owner didn't seem to be any happier than I was, so I felt it my duty to protect him and leapt over the desk with a lot to say on the matter. Well the man in black fell to the floor whimpering so I felt I had made my point. I think his name was Vic R. but I didn't quite catch his last name. The Owner picked Vic up off the floor and sat him on a seat and all Vic kept saying was "Oh Lord Bless me!" and "Oh my goodness!". The Owner gave me a particularly hard stare and made Vic one of his special coffee's that he only has once a day. Then Vic asked for another coffee and then another, which I felt was starting to make mountains out of what was only a little woof. After a while and when Vics hands seemed to be shaking quite badly (and I know this coz it took three attempts to get his keys in the car door) Vic was on his way. The Owner said I was going to hell for that one. Didn't quite understand what he meant by that and I am not sure where Hell is, perhaps its near Swindon somewhere, by the way he spoke about it I don't think it was going to be a very nice place so it probably is near Swindon. Either way I think I'll go up to the calf sheds for the afternoon, just in case!
Maybe I'll Visit The Badgers
Walking to work yesterday morning The Owner was keeping a very cautious eye on those cows still, I don't think he is quite convinced about Hoomun Lady Gardener being behind them talking to him yet. Whilst he was trying to get them to answer him again with more of his intellectually stimulating repartee I went and had a quick check in the pond.
There was water in it!!!! But when we went home again later it was gone again. I am sure Hoomun Tanker Driver is behind it somehow, I'm just not sure how he is doing it. One thing is certain, I am not going to get near him again when he has that big hose with him. I can still smell it on my fur from the last time. Maybe if I go and have a roll around up near the badgers set that may be enough to mask the smell a little.
There was water in it!!!! But when we went home again later it was gone again. I am sure Hoomun Tanker Driver is behind it somehow, I'm just not sure how he is doing it. One thing is certain, I am not going to get near him again when he has that big hose with him. I can still smell it on my fur from the last time. Maybe if I go and have a roll around up near the badgers set that may be enough to mask the smell a little.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Talking Cows!?!?!
We had a gentle wander in to work this morning, out of the gate, down past the cricket pitch and past The Manor where I always stop to wee up the wall. I consider it a small statement for the workers against the capitalist elite.
In the paddock the other side of The Manor is a small field where are kept a couple of dry cows, not sure what a dry cow is as they look no different to the rest, but that's what The Owner says they are. They were stood by the railing fence this morning, waiting for us and so The Owner said "Morning Mrs Cows", as we walked past. "And Good morning to you!" came the response! The air of surprise was quite palpable at that moment as it dawned on us both that cows don't speak! They say also that dogs can't type but I, of course, have proved that wrong. So was this another of those watershed moments in the history of animal communication skills and another step further into the strange and surreal world of The Owner? With almost a tremor in his voice he stepped tentatively up to the fence and asked "Are you well this morning?". Ordinarily I pour scorn on his chat up routine and he usually gets me to break the ice with his Lady Hoomun Friends, but to be fair, what do you say next to a cow in a field that has just wished you a good morning!? "Very well thank you, and you?" came the response. The Owner was suddenly looking very peaky, with an ashen looking face and a rapidly developing stammer. "Um, not too bad - under the circumstances", came his rather feeble reply. I was feeling non the more confident about the developing scene, so I stood behind his legs and peered tentatively around the side of him. "Don't you think the dahlias are extraordinary this year?" came a further show of intelligent banter from the cow. But with that the rather jolly figure of the Lady Hoomun Gardner from The Manor popped up from behind the stone wall behind the cows. Somewhat relieved and yet taken aback by the turn of events, all The Owner could manage was a rather feeble "Quite so!" as he turned and shuffled off further in the direction of the office. When he got here he fell into his comfy chair and poured himself a very strong coffee and has been silent ever since! I didn't even get e Bonio!!!!
In the paddock the other side of The Manor is a small field where are kept a couple of dry cows, not sure what a dry cow is as they look no different to the rest, but that's what The Owner says they are. They were stood by the railing fence this morning, waiting for us and so The Owner said "Morning Mrs Cows", as we walked past. "And Good morning to you!" came the response! The air of surprise was quite palpable at that moment as it dawned on us both that cows don't speak! They say also that dogs can't type but I, of course, have proved that wrong. So was this another of those watershed moments in the history of animal communication skills and another step further into the strange and surreal world of The Owner? With almost a tremor in his voice he stepped tentatively up to the fence and asked "Are you well this morning?". Ordinarily I pour scorn on his chat up routine and he usually gets me to break the ice with his Lady Hoomun Friends, but to be fair, what do you say next to a cow in a field that has just wished you a good morning!? "Very well thank you, and you?" came the response. The Owner was suddenly looking very peaky, with an ashen looking face and a rapidly developing stammer. "Um, not too bad - under the circumstances", came his rather feeble reply. I was feeling non the more confident about the developing scene, so I stood behind his legs and peered tentatively around the side of him. "Don't you think the dahlias are extraordinary this year?" came a further show of intelligent banter from the cow. But with that the rather jolly figure of the Lady Hoomun Gardner from The Manor popped up from behind the stone wall behind the cows. Somewhat relieved and yet taken aback by the turn of events, all The Owner could manage was a rather feeble "Quite so!" as he turned and shuffled off further in the direction of the office. When he got here he fell into his comfy chair and poured himself a very strong coffee and has been silent ever since! I didn't even get e Bonio!!!!
The Incident of the Smelly Hosepipe.
I have been regarding The Owner with a particularly suspicious eye today after 'Mo the Wise' suggested the smell from the man hole where I think the lorry may be stealing the pond water from may be significant. He was clearly not wanting to arouse my suspicions that he may be behind it as he pretended to be busy at the computer all morning. When his Hoomun friend turned up for coffee I let myself out and went and sat in wait for the lorry to come back for another load of pond water that I suspect he may be hiding down the manhole. I didn't have to wait long before the lorry tanker turned up to steal another load of water and Tanker Driver busied himself with his very large hose down the manhole. I crept forward very stealthily through the bushes and waited for my moment. It smelled far worse than The Owner could possibly have managed so I suspect he may not be behind it after all. Just as Tanker Driver was pulling his hose out of the man hole I leapt, defence of my village and its pond was my only motive, with a loud bark I broke cover. Tanker Driver swung around in a sort of terror and I got covered with the contents of his pipe. Oh the smell!!! Yuk and phew just doesn't cover it. I spent an hour laying in the cattle trough to try and wash away the smell. Now, I still smell and the cattle won't go near the trough. The Owner is going to wash me down with the hose pipe next and for the first time ever I am looking forward to it! I think that may not be the pond water down there after all!
The Tanker
I think I may be on to something here. I was out this morning on a short patrol around the farm. Well really I was just trying to keep out the way because the water cooler man called this morning to the office and he surprised me as I didn't hear him drive up the track. The Postman a bit later in the morning had a piece of my mind and all in all The Owner didn't seem too pleased with me so I opted instead for a quick trip around the fields. I was just having another quick sniff around the pond looking for the water when what pulled up but this thing. I can't think that he was up to any good so I hid in the hedge and watched for the rest of the morning. He's been back twice since and drags this great big pipe out and puts it under the manhole cover. Not sure what's going on down there but it can't be any good. I'll keep you informed!
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