This hoomun Christmas thing has left me a little confused. Christmas eve we went home from the office taking particular care to keep The Owner out of the ditch after sharing just one too many glasses of port with Dairy Man and when we got back home he dived into the post box on the wall. One of these days he is really going to fall in that thing!
But...... he produced a big parcel from its depths...........for me!!!!!!! I think I am going to enjoy Christmas I thought. This was from a place called Oztralya! Now, I have never heard of this place so I guess it must be the other side of Swindon. But I had MY OWN Christmas card and little pressie and he didn't even grumble when more of that sparkly stuff fell out on the carpet!!! Anyway, Christmas Day saw us going to work until Dairy Man came out with another glass of port. The Owner disappeared and left me in the office with my Christmas pressie from Oztralya and a bit of festive tinsel. I wasn't quite sure what the significance of the tinsel was so I ate it. It was quite a strange experience to see it lying on the ground behind me when it came out again and I think The Owner may have worked out where it went! On Boxing day he was a bit poorly and the day after he was very poorly! He kept saying it was something to do with the flu. Now I'm clearly not understanding something here, coz I kept looking up the chimney and the flu from the woodburner seemed to be working perfectly! He was making lots of strange hissing noises as he breathed as well. He has clearly got fed up with that game now so things are back to normal again. Still no grumbling though!
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Niecin Bournmuff
Further evidence of The Owner's reformed personality emerged last night. We shuffled home, that is to say, I bounded athletically whilst The Owner slid precariously from frozen puddle to frozen puddle.
When we got there he dived in to the post box by the door and retrieved several brightly coloured letters and a couple of startled spiders and a big brown envelope. Normally brown envelopes are left unopened for a couple of days and then opened, resulting, usually, in head being held in hands whilst shouting "How Much!" Today however it was opened immediately, producing several smaller brightly coloured envelopes. I have seen this kind of trick done before and then the smaller envelopes are opened and several more coloured envelopes are produced and then everyone claps wildly. However they were addressed to various people including one to The Owner and me. That was three cards I have had now! He told me they were sent from Niecein Bournmuff. I'm not sure if I have met Niecin Bournmuff yet but she sounds like she is from a very long way away, perhaps near Swindon somewhere. When he opened the envelope there was loads of little silver bits went all over the carpet! Normally, the fact that my name was on the envelope would have been enough to have made it my fault somehow so I quickly turned for the boot room as a precaution however he laughed! I am kinds getting used to this un-grumpy The Owner now, but I have to confess I don't understand it.
When we got there he dived in to the post box by the door and retrieved several brightly coloured letters and a couple of startled spiders and a big brown envelope. Normally brown envelopes are left unopened for a couple of days and then opened, resulting, usually, in head being held in hands whilst shouting "How Much!" Today however it was opened immediately, producing several smaller brightly coloured envelopes. I have seen this kind of trick done before and then the smaller envelopes are opened and several more coloured envelopes are produced and then everyone claps wildly. However they were addressed to various people including one to The Owner and me. That was three cards I have had now! He told me they were sent from Niecein Bournmuff. I'm not sure if I have met Niecin Bournmuff yet but she sounds like she is from a very long way away, perhaps near Swindon somewhere. When he opened the envelope there was loads of little silver bits went all over the carpet! Normally, the fact that my name was on the envelope would have been enough to have made it my fault somehow so I quickly turned for the boot room as a precaution however he laughed! I am kinds getting used to this un-grumpy The Owner now, but I have to confess I don't understand it.
Snowballs at Jack
Come on Jack, they said. Come and have a picture taken beside the snow man, they said. Before it melts, they said. They all stood around smiling (I thought) with their hands behind their backs. So never being one to turn down a good opportunity of having ones picture taken, I obliged. That was when I realised that the benign smiles were actually evil, menacing grins, as they all produced snowballs from behind there backs! If anyone wants me I'll be indoors by the woodburner and if that gets too crowded I'll be over at the manor in their boot room by the boiler!
Diesel Dog and the Sherry
Well his good mood is still surviving, despite the kind of provocation certain to have induced a serious grumbling session formerly. Small Boy arrived and immediately set to work with the old "Snowball down The Owners Neck Routine".... not a grumble! In fact he seemed to enjoy it and retaliated with much laughter and merriment.
I am not really grasping this whole snow thing here; you go outside and throw loads of frozen white stuff everywhere, roll in it (and I remember what I left underneath that snow) get wet trousers, jackets and gloves, freezing hands and feet; then tell everyone what fun you've had! It is clearly a hoomun thing! Just leave me with a square of carpet and a stoked up woodburner and let me know when you come back indoors!
Diesel Dog Daughter came up again with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Snow and a big garden and Diesel Dog had to do more demented badger running up and down the path across the back of the garden. Now this is something else I am just not getting! What is it about that path that he has to run up and down it like that? I must have a go myself, but not until the white stuff has gone! I don't mind sharing my square of carpet in front of the fire but I don't share my cushion and you may remember I had to have an opinion about that when last they visited. It clearly worked as Diesel Dog didn't try and evict me from it unceremoniously like last time. However I thought The Owner was going to start grumbling again when he was having his daily glass of sherry when coming in from the cold. He sat down on the floor and put his glass beside him. Diesel Dog was patrolling the living room carpet and as he passed, dunked his tongue in the unguarded glass. The Owner just laughed! Although it was funny, the faces Diesel Dog pulled at the taste of The Owner's cheap sherry. I have seen the faces The Owner pulls at it sometimes and he is used to the taste! I don't think Diesel Dog will be trying any of The Owners unguarded glasses left within reach for a while.
I am not really grasping this whole snow thing here; you go outside and throw loads of frozen white stuff everywhere, roll in it (and I remember what I left underneath that snow) get wet trousers, jackets and gloves, freezing hands and feet; then tell everyone what fun you've had! It is clearly a hoomun thing! Just leave me with a square of carpet and a stoked up woodburner and let me know when you come back indoors!
Diesel Dog Daughter came up again with Diesel Dog and Very Strange Woman. Snow and a big garden and Diesel Dog had to do more demented badger running up and down the path across the back of the garden. Now this is something else I am just not getting! What is it about that path that he has to run up and down it like that? I must have a go myself, but not until the white stuff has gone! I don't mind sharing my square of carpet in front of the fire but I don't share my cushion and you may remember I had to have an opinion about that when last they visited. It clearly worked as Diesel Dog didn't try and evict me from it unceremoniously like last time. However I thought The Owner was going to start grumbling again when he was having his daily glass of sherry when coming in from the cold. He sat down on the floor and put his glass beside him. Diesel Dog was patrolling the living room carpet and as he passed, dunked his tongue in the unguarded glass. The Owner just laughed! Although it was funny, the faces Diesel Dog pulled at the taste of The Owner's cheap sherry. I have seen the faces The Owner pulls at it sometimes and he is used to the taste! I don't think Diesel Dog will be trying any of The Owners unguarded glasses left within reach for a while.
I Don't Do Cold Paws!
A dog has to prepare for this cold you know. I mean.... cold paws? Unthinkable!
The Snow Fall
Look, please, I've done my patrol, I refrained from weeing up the neighbours kids snowman (as instructed). I am cold, I have wiped my paws on the mat, now can I please come in? I know you've lit the woodburner and there's a little square of carpet in front of it with my name on!
Returning to Work
I am very concerned! I am beginning to suspect that there may be some kind of plot by sinister forces going on. It started with the water in the pond going missing (Still dry, even though they put a new box of electric by it!) and now I am beginning to suspect something may have happened to The Owner!
You may recall before The Owner went away that I was predicting a row with Water Cooler Office Lady because the water cooler had sprung a leak. Today was the first day that Owners Daughter has allowed him to go back to work. It was really nice to wander down to the office this morning, a patrol I have missed for some months now. There was a lot of sniffs I have missed for far too long and many posts that required weeing up and tufts of grass and other stuff like that on our patrol. We got here and it was like opening some vault, lots of cobwebs and a general silence that suggested that nothing had been there for quite a while. There was also an empty water cooler, a smell of damp carpets (for which I will not be held responsible on this occasion) and a big puddle in the corner (also nothing to do with me). He dials the number for Water Cooler Office Lady and the conversation is along these lines...... Hi Karen (Dunno what he calls her that for, I know her name is Water Cooler Office Lady!) How are you?........ That's so good to hear..............Yes, we have a problem with the water cooler.......... No next week will be fine...............I'll leave it in your capable hands.......No, thank you!....................Click!
Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He would never have turned down a good opportunity like this for a row and I suspect Water Cooler Office Lady thought so too as she rang straight back to check it really was actually him that had called. He has been like this since he came back from hospital. He looks like The Owner, he has The Owner's voice, now we have got rid of the smell of hospitals he even smells like The Owner (a mixture of cheap cologne and stale Barbour jackets), but, but, but..... I think he has been swapped for a space alien!!!!
You may recall before The Owner went away that I was predicting a row with Water Cooler Office Lady because the water cooler had sprung a leak. Today was the first day that Owners Daughter has allowed him to go back to work. It was really nice to wander down to the office this morning, a patrol I have missed for some months now. There was a lot of sniffs I have missed for far too long and many posts that required weeing up and tufts of grass and other stuff like that on our patrol. We got here and it was like opening some vault, lots of cobwebs and a general silence that suggested that nothing had been there for quite a while. There was also an empty water cooler, a smell of damp carpets (for which I will not be held responsible on this occasion) and a big puddle in the corner (also nothing to do with me). He dials the number for Water Cooler Office Lady and the conversation is along these lines...... Hi Karen (Dunno what he calls her that for, I know her name is Water Cooler Office Lady!) How are you?........ That's so good to hear..............Yes, we have a problem with the water cooler.......... No next week will be fine...............I'll leave it in your capable hands.......No, thank you!....................Click!
Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He would never have turned down a good opportunity like this for a row and I suspect Water Cooler Office Lady thought so too as she rang straight back to check it really was actually him that had called. He has been like this since he came back from hospital. He looks like The Owner, he has The Owner's voice, now we have got rid of the smell of hospitals he even smells like The Owner (a mixture of cheap cologne and stale Barbour jackets), but, but, but..... I think he has been swapped for a space alien!!!!
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