The Loose Wires on the Sound Desk

Last night The Owner said we were going to go "Out". I wasn't too sure where "Out" was at first but it turned out to be the village hall. Not sure why it has two names. Anyway, tonight The Village Hall will be known as "Out" and when we got there and went inside (I'm not really supposed to be in there) there were all these tables and chairs set out for hoomuns to sit at and some people with lots of makeup on kept popping out from behind a curtain and behaving in a very dramatic fashion. The Owner sat at the "Sound Desk" and the "Lighting Desk". I'm not sure what one of those are either but it had lots of buttons on top and wires coming out the back and The Owner clearly thought it made him very important to have his own seat and two desks and his own light when everyone else had to sit in the dark with candles. I was told to sit under the "Sound Desk" on his bag so that I wouldn't be noticed by The Director (who sounded very important) and risk getting asked to leave. I soon worked out that when The Owner twiddled with one of his buttons and switches the lights at the front went on and off and made lots of different sounds quite loudly. I thought at first he may have been in trouble but The Director seemed generally pleased with his efforts, so it must have been alright. Things were going swimmingly as The Owner was slurping loudly at his wine glass and during the second half, he even kicked off his shoes under the table. Now in the studio that usually means he will rub my belly with his toes whilst he works, so I rolled over on to my back. One of the wires fell off the back of the desk as I did so, but I paid no attention to it and I thought no one would notice in the darkness. They were building to a very dramatic crescendo on the stage where the curtains are and they were clearly expecting something to happen at that point as they all stood around with their hands on their hips looking at The Owner who was frantically twiddling at knobs and switches as they began to harrumph a lot. The Owner, for his part was protesting loudly that he was trying to turn it on but they were having none of it. He was frantically twiddling, and they were loudly harrumphing, when the audience started sniggering, then laughing loudly and I suspected The Owner was getting quite flustered by all the attention, so I stayed under the desk. Eventually, The Director came down with an air of great authority and picked up the wire off the floor beside me, plugged it back in and suddenly all the stage was lit up again. Well I didn't know!!!! I thought Owner's Daughter could frown loudly but The Director has got the art mastered to a far greater degree from what I could see of it, although I couldn't see much as I had crept further back behind the table and out of the way. Well I wasn't supposed to be there, so I didn't want to get The Owner into any trouble, The Owner appeared to be in enough of it as it was.

The Owner's Soggy Trouser Leg

Now, I have a confession. The day was a lot more successful than I had feared. I nicked The Owner's boots to prevent him from getting blown off the bridge the other side of the cricket pitch, and then his keys to prevent him from getting blown off the bridge in Chippenham. The success was, that I managed to then get the missing items back, and then found, by The Owner, without arousing any suspicion that I may have been behind it. Now, for my confession, coz that wasn't it. I have a weakness, and The Owner has gone upstairs to change his trousers! The two things are connected. He ordered a take away and sat here and ate it. My weakness is not for sweet and sour chicken, can't stand the stuff! My weakness is not for rice, or noodles, can't see the point and the rice always gets in places I'd rather not divulge here. But he sat there with a bag of prawn crackers and I have a weakness for a prawn cracker (or two) and I, well, dribbled. Just a little! Not a lot you understand! And it just happened to be when I had my mouth above his trouser leg. He has made far too much of it in my opinion and has gone upstairs in a strop to change his trousers. Now, the good thing about being in trouble, in my opinion the best way of managing the trouble, is that you get it all over and done with in one go. You can't get into trouble when you are already in it so, well, he left his prawn crackers unguarded. Let's just say they are now not quite the prawn crackers that they were, "ex"-prawn crackers in fact, and I have taken myself off to the boot room as a precaution. More of a certainty really.

Warmer Inside!

I think I will be staying right here beside this today!

Windy Bridges

I was watching the weather forecast this morning, with The Owner, when I heard something which caused me to whirl around and look at him, looking for some kind of reassurance about what Weatherman Hoomun had just said. He said that it was going to be windy! So windy, in fact, that hoomuns should expect to get blown off bridges! Well I was about to go out on patrol when I heard this and I was understandable perturbed by what I had heard. At the far end of the cricket field there is a little bridge across the stream, now I can leap energetically across without having to use the bridge, but The Owner has to walk gently across and I really don't want to be around if he gets blown off the bridge! In fact, even if we go down behind the manor, there is still a little bridge made of railway sleepers that he will have to cross. I think I may take his walking boots and hide them somewhere, I will be in dead trouble when he finds them, but the trouble may be even worse if he gets blow off the bridge! Hopefully we will just go to B&Q instead. Oh no! I have just remembered that there is a bridge to go over the little river just the other side of town.......... and another one in Chippenham!!!!!!!!!!!! I may have to hide his keys as well!

On Christmas Lights

We are approaching that time of year again when hoomun behaviour takes some very strange twists and turns which I generally find unfathomable, more so than normal. In the village, near the pub (and I'm sure that those two facts aren't necessarily connected), some folk turn their houses into a lighting system worthy of the landing lights at Lyneham. Including having some hoomun that spends over a month all lit up sat on the roof! The down side to all this light is that when on patrol one can't have a moments peace and quiet to do - you know - doggie stuff, without being on display to the world. The Owner gets to shut himself away in the bathroom for a quiet moment reading the Sunday paper whilst he performs. I would like a few moments to myself to contemplate nature without having my activities all illuminated, but with those lights it ain't gonna happen.

So The Owner has been going around singing carols (and if I were Carol I think I'd have an opinion on the matter) and sounding generally far too full of good humour. Christmas is usually not The Owner's favourite time of the year, in fact The Owner normally uses another word in front of Christmas, one which I pretend not to understand and then Owners Daughter frowns at him very loudly and calls him Ebenezer. But all this jolliness was quite unnerving for a K9 as it would have to break at some point and this morning was it. The bread was still in the freezer and was singularly uncooperative when he tried to cut some for his toast so he managed to find just enough to cut two thin slices from the old stale loaf and put in the toaster. I think the toaster is treading on very dangerous ground at the moment, as it has developed a habit of burning his toast and this morning it did it spectacularly well, together with his fingers, the wall cupboard and his Pyrex jug and he has spent the day with his fingers bandaged and doing his best to extract every last ounce of sympathy from anyone fool enough to listen to him. I think tomorrow we are off to B&Q to get some new wall cupboards for the kitchen. I don't mind that at all as there is a burger van hoomun in the car park who I have managed to get the odd sausage or two from in the past, using the superior willpower of a K9 on matters relating to food. However I suspect the build and installation of these wall units could be a somewhat hazardous affair and may involve more bandages on fingers. I will report on proceedings over the weekend.

Exit Woodburner - Bring on the Open Fire!

Well this answers the question about what The Owner was up to yesterday I guess! We came home early from the studio yesterday and it was still daylight and The Owner made a mug of tea (with no slugs) and sat out the front of the cottage reading his paper. The Log Hoomun turned up with a load of logs. Now I was confused at this because there was nowhere to burn any logs anymore! Log Hoomun I have never really had an opinion about either way really, true, he has never brought me any Bonios, but then neither has he ever upset me and he does always make a fuss of me. But today I did have an opinion. When Log Hoomun and The Owner had unloaded all the logs and put them all in the fuel shed he let me in the back of his van.... I like cars, they are my favourite! Log Hoomun and The Owner went to the shops and The Owner bought me a box of Bonios, which incidentally The Owner has forgotten to bring to the studio this morning, so if Log Hoomun drove us to the shops for Bonios there are two reasons why I should have a favourable opinion of him. When we got back The Owner went into the fuel shed and started throwing all the logs back out again! He also started using words that I pretend not to understand, I was shocked. When he had dug down through the heap sufficiently to get under the oil tank he dived under and emerged looking triumphant with the old log fire basket. So last night we were properly toastie and I had to re-learn old skills. The art of curling up in front of a real fire and going from sound asleep to wide awake and the other side of the room quicker than saying "Bonios three times a day would be nice please!" every time the fire spits. Not completing that little task is just too painful to consider, and I have been there! Looking forward to another evening in front of the fire. Happy days!

He's Evicted MY Woodburner!!!

The Owner is up to something this morning and I have yet to understand what. I heard him come grumbling down the stairs this morning and put the kettle on, empty the tea pot and burp loudly. The excitement on my side of the door is mounting as the next stage in the process will be to open the door to the boot room and then let me up the garden to relieve the pressure a little before BREAKFAST! Nothing unusual so far you will be thinking, and you would be right. Kettle boiled, tea made, he wanders off into the lounge, more burping and...... well you don't want to know the other noises he made as he wandered off. As I am enjoying the breakfast chomp I can hear him in the lounge making noises at the wood burner. More excitement from me at the thought that the wood burner has been stoked up and will be roaring nicely when I have finished breakfast and go in to explore the living room and see what I may have missed on the lounge carpet last night that may be edible. There never is, but I live in hope. Nearly finished breakfast when I see The Owner come wandering past struggling under the weight of a big black metal box leaving a trail of dust on the carpet behind him which will probably command the attentions of that ruddy Dyson in a short while. I thought nothing of it, until I wandered into the living room..........and............no!........... IT'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That metal box he was carrying was the wood burner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is he doing????????????????? When we left for our morning patrol and the studio there was just an empty grate and a pile of ash where, until last night, was the object of much of my affection. Has he lost the plot again? I am beginning to think so!