The Green Monster of The Deep

Last night I was quite terrified and I even had nightmares about it. Much to the amusement of The Owner of course! It involved a cow trough and a monster from the deep!

Last night as the sun was losing some of its heat and before The Owner found his way to the fridge and stumbled across a "crisp white" that had been chilling in there, we went off on patrol across the fields. It was not our normal patrol, nor was it the patrol down to the lakes that we have done of late, this was a new patrol so there was much to be wee'd up. As we passed through a gate into another very large field I spied a big round cow trough in the middle which I thought may be good for a drink and to climb in and cool down whilst I explored its depths. As I ran at full throttle across towards the trough I could hear The Owner shouting something about not jumping in that one and something about it being full of blanket weed. Well, I felt there was going to be water and I needed cooling off and I like blankets anyway so there should be no problem there. As I arrived at the site of the trough I could still hear The Owner bellowing in the background but I chose to ignore him and barely breaking my stride I leapt into the trough in a most athletic fashion. This was the point where my world turned very green all of a sudden and the monster from the deep attacked me. I struggled to the surface despite its evil attempts to prevent me and dragged myself back over the side but it had got me and was not about to let go any time soon. I thought I ought to check my legs in case it was trying to devour them but I couldn't see them, they were completely obscured from view by the green monster of the deep. What do you do when being attacked by a monster from the deep? You run, that's what! The Owner was waddling across the field but I was not about to wait for him to arrive, I was being devoured! So I ran....and The Owner bellowed.....and I ran......and The Owner bellowed some more. At any moment the monster of the deep was going to devour my legs, I had to keep running! Eventually it gave up and let go of me. I was free!!!! I returned to have a look at it (from a safe distance) and discovered it was a lengthy beast. If you laid twenty empty Bonio boxes end to end it was about that kind of length I think. But without its means of propulsion, which was me, it looked kinda helpless lying there in the field. So I wee'd on it and went to find where The Owner had got to, which was still two fields away as it happens. I have marked that trough down as not one I need to revisit in the future. I never did find that blanket The Owner was on about though.

The Owner Needed a Cuddle

I think I may be... well... What is one step down from "un appreciated and in the do-do"? Most of my.... our home, is in boxes ready for the move. And whilst The Owner can still fall asleep anywhere at any time, I, as a sensitive K9 with breeding, find it all a little unsettling. Well, today has been a tad warm at the studio and by tea time The Owner took me to the lakes for a splash around whilst The Owner danced around doing his best to avoid the horse flies. Largely without success if I am honest! We returned to the cottage, via the water trough in the paddock, so by the time we got back I was still quite damp. The kind of damp that still leaves a trail of water on the path behind me where ever I walk. With K9 fed, The Owner poured himself a glass. Of something amber coloured and sat down on the floor to enjoy his drink. Well as I said, I have been feeling a little unsettled. When you feel unsettled you need a cuddle don't you? So I climbed on his lap! I was expecting a negative reaction to be honest but I think he needed a cuddle too. After all his shirt was only very wet on one side. He didn't kick me off either although I am expecting some kind of repercussion at a later date and time. I will keep you informed.

The Owner is Paccking

Owners Daughter arrived this morning along with Diesel Dog Daughter although Diesel Dog was noticeably absent so there was little in the way of demented badger running across the back of the garden and it was too hot anyway. I thought The Owner was going to have a very negative opinion on the whole matter when they started throwing all of his stuff in boxes and taping them shut and then moving the boxes to other places. I found the whole matter very unsettling and kept myself very close to The Owner all day. I did go out with him in Owners Daughters car which was my favourite part of the day. I do cars, but I particularly do cars that The Owner is driving so when we went off to the recycling center I was a particularly happy K9. Me, The Owner, a car and the open road. I had a very good day really, unsettling but good. The Owner caught Owners Daughter with a box and took pictures of her which I clearly didn't find as funny as The Owner did. In fact I didn't understand why he found it so funny. Diesel Dog Daughter was laughing so hard she went a funny colour too!

Just Another Sunday Morning

I love Sunday mornings! Just saying. I wonder if The Owner has got the snorkers under the grill yet? I think I may stay here for a while longer and then go and see if there is any of his breakfast dropped on the floor. There is bound to be some down the front of his shirt but that takes a little more cunning to get to that. I may have another snooze just here first though.

A Very French K9

The Owner and I were sitting lazily in the sunshine in the front porch. I was watching, intently, the hover fly that seemed to be treating my nose in much the same way as perhaps a helicopter would the landing pad on a big ship. I know you’re impressed with my knowledge with such matters but when you sit and watch Quest of an evening with The Owner, there isn't much about a Mighty Ship I don’t know. As for The Owner, well it is always difficult to work out what he is thinking about on such occasions so we just label him as having a lazy vacant moment and leave it at that. There was a big roar from an engine and a cloud of dust as a black car which looked vaguely familiar slid sideways into the lay-by in front of the cottage. I was still debating with myself an appropriate course of action when a door burst open on the car and at great volume, out leapt my mate Vic R. He does most things, I notice, at great volume. As he lumbered up the path past the lavender (yuk and double phew!!) he bellowed with great enthusiasm “Helllllooooooo to yoooooou!”. I was already getting a headache and I suspect that The Owner would soon be developing one too. “Hello” he mumbled in response as he staggered to his feet. “I had better go and put the coffee on then.” Nooooooooooooooo!” replied Vic R, losing none of his exuberance, “I am going to take you to the pub for a beer and a sandwich” The Owner of course immediately lost his tardiness and became very excited at the thought of going to the pub when someone else had offered to pay and we were both soon in Vic R’s car and heading up through the village. When we got to the pub there was clearly some form of K9 interest in the gardens as I could see several lady K9’s flocking around something. We went in to the bar, me on my posh lead obviously, as The Owner and Vic R ordered their drinks and sandwiches. Drinks collected and much cheeriness all round, we wandered out in to the pub gardens to await the food. Have you noticed how I don’t get a sandwich?? Well in the gardens we were also confronted with the object of female K9 interest which demonstrated their fickleness completely. Vic R said to The Owner “What kind of dog is that then?”. The Owner announced with an air of authority that it was apparently a French Mastiff and then said, “He must smell a lot of garlic then”. I have no idea what he meant by that but it must be one of The Owners special jokes as no one else was laughing! I had suspected that it was just The Owner trying to impress, to cover up his lack of knowledge on anything in particular as is normal, until HE spoke! HE was addressing a particularly cute looking young yellow lab which I thought would have gone for my obvious breeding. “ Ma Cherie, you want that I whisper of lurve gently in your ear?”. She immediately went all silly and played up to him, to the embarrassment of her owners, and seemed oblivious to the real star of the show. I even tried to speak to her in a voice which made it obvious that I had breeding. I mentioned Lord Bath a lot, but she was just smitten with this Gallic fool! I went and sat obediently under The Owners chair and glared at HIM a lot and chose to do little else about it. Why??? Have you seen a French Mastiff???? He is twice the size of me!! More like Monkey Dog Thing on steroids really, and I would really like to live to see the next day!

At Diesel Dog Daughter's House

After a less than peaceful night with The Owner, Owner’s Daughter breezed in with a cup of tea for The Owner and a cheery “Morning Jack” for me. I can’t help but wonder which of us got the better deal there! Owners Daughter spent ages in the bathroom getting herself ready to “Meet her public”. I can’t help but wonder what she does in the process as to me, a K9 with breeding, there seems very little difference apart from smelling funny, a bit like those two old ladies from the other end of our village. For myself I can manage with a quick scratch and a lick of my little boys bits and we’re off and running! Breakfast eaten and overnight bags stowed back in Owners Daughter’s car we were off again on our journey. When I say “Breakfast eaten” I really mean I had had my breakfast. The Owner, on the other hand, had declined a dry Ryvita and a bowl of muesli and was grumbling about having had no bacon and eggs for his Sunday breakfast. He was still grumbling about it half way through the afternoon by which time it had changed to grumbling about not having a KFC but it was a grumble he was not letting go of for anyone. After a while of further driving and even more bacon and egg style grumbling we arrived at Diesel Dog’s home. Not that I recognised the house, just what happened. We pulled up outside a house amongst lots of other houses and The Owner got out and stretched his legs and yawned, Owners Daughter did the same, only it was her legs she stretched, not The Owner’s. For my part I opened one eye from my position curled up on the back seat, which was when I noticed something vaguely brown and furry flash through my vision and was gone again. Unsure of what I had seen I opened both eyes and sat up. I again saw a flash of something vaguely brown and furry fly through one open car door and out the other without touching the seats on the way through. It would seem that demented badger running is not something that Diesel Dog reserves for the path across the back of the cottage and he is clearly able to practice the art in a variety of places and situations and straight through Owners Daughters car is one of them. I managed to escape when Diesel Dog was in mid circuit at the farthest point from Owners Daughters car and went in search of a sunny patch up the garden with which I am planning on getting acquainted with during the rest of the day. The Owner, Owners Daughter, Diesel Dog Daughter, Biker Sister and Mechanic all spent ages moving stuff in boxes from room to room, drinking tea, and perspiring profusely, whilst Diesel Dog did a lot of demented badger running through the car, the house and round the garden to do it all again. I am not sure what Diesel Dog Daughter feeds him with but I think she may want to change it for something with a lesser octane rating.

I fear this could be a very long day indeed!

Staying at Owner's Daughter's

After a phone call, from Owners Daughter I gather, which seemed to require much frowning and nodding sagely from The Owner, he concluded the call with the comment “I will prepare an overnight bag for me and Jack”. Surely the right phrase should have been “For Jack and I” but I will let that one pass although I know which order we should be considered in. But I have clearly yet to educate The Owner over my importance and breeding! Now, I was excited and perturbed at this in equal measures. I have absolutely no idea what an overnight bag is or should K9’s (with breeding) have one, as I have never had one before that I am aware of. But also, that I was unsure what exactly it would lead to. I sat and watched as The Owner poured my water out of my dish down the sink and placed the same into a bag along with my food dish and a small plastic box full of my food that the terribly nice lady hoomun from Skinners had sent to me. Although I felt the accompanying comment of “If you want any water for now you will have to help yourself from the dirty pond. But then you’re used to that aren't you, ‘newt breath’?” was just a little insensitive. He proceeded to put a clean shirt and a pair of trousers that had, frankly, seen better days and I was hoping he was not going to wear them anywhere that he might be seen or recognised, into an “Overnight bag”. Although to be honest, as far as I could tell it was exactly the same as every other plastic carrier bag in the drawer which overflows every time it is opened, I have noticed. He poured himself a large glass of wine to “steady himself for the journey” and Owners Daughter arrived to collect him. She was already frowning very loudly before she arrived and unusually it was at neither The Owner nor me, Jack Labrador GD (failed)! She bundled The Owner into her car and propped him up by wedging his “overnight bag” in beside him and I leapt nimbly over the back and into the boot........ why does she insist on filling the boot of her car with canvas paintings? Well I guess that’ll be another job for The Owner and his duct tape later! We arrived at Owners Daughter’s new home and I immediately tidied up the bird table, the cat food dish and one or two other vaguely edible items I discovered on my first patrol of the perimeter. Although I did notice that I was kept well away from the hamsters cage! I also noticed that I could see no blanket for me to lay on! As early evening turned into late evening and the wine bottle became empty Owners Daughter took herself off to bed and threw some blankets in my general direction, I thought. “Ah, good! There’s my bed!” and I clambered on top of them all, which seemed to prompt a less than favourable response from The Owner as he kicked me off “His bed”! The Owner arranged the blankets and pillows on the floor and climbed into them, leaving me to sleep where exactly? That’ll be on the floor then I guess. I was not impressed! The Owner was soon snoring loudly and I was looking for somewhere a little softer to rest my chin and soon happened upon his hand sticking out from under his blanket, so I rested my chin in his hand. Ok, so I may have dribbled into his hand a bit in my sleep. But I could see no justification for his response and, frankly, hurtful comments about “K9 oral incontinence!” He was now awake again and taking the art of fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport again, until he had to give in and go for a wee. Whilst he was gone, I reasoned that he wasn't needing the bed he had made himself on the floor, so I climbed in. Well it seemed a shame to waste it whilst it was still warm! Not wishing to wake Owners Daughter by turning lights on and stuff, he fumbled his way back to his heap of blankets in the dark and climbed back in. It would seem that a K9 fur ball (with breeding and a wet nose) was not what he was expecting to find in his bed and woke the whole of Owners Daughter’s village up as he made it known. It was a long night......