The Helmet

Oh dear! I'm in trouble - at least I will be when everyone has worked out what happened. It was an uneventful day at the studio, periods of snoozing broken only by intervals of slumber throughout most of the day. Disturbed only by a brief period of delicious activity as I terrorised the new postman, such a pushover in the face of K9 superiority! Being summer(ish) The Owner keeps the studio door open and I snoozed in the doorway all day in the sun, until nearly at the end of the afternoon when I opened one eye and noticed Dairy Yoof's friend turn up on his bike, get off it and then push it into the little garage beside the studio. At exactly that moment I heard The Owner put his glasses down and pick up his phone and keys and that means only one thing - home and then - dinner!!! I rushed out the door eager to wee on the gate post before i leave my territory unguarded for the evening. I stopped in mid wee when I noticed something with lots of colour and kind of round sitting in the middle of the yard. I reasoned that if I was going home I needed to get this new addition to the yard wee'd on quickly, just until the morning when I would have more time to do the job properly. I was halfway through my wee when I heard Dairy Yoof's mate call out to someone, not sure who, "Can you pick my helmet up off the yard?". Ah! So that's what it was! I thought it may be time for a little subterfuge so I quickly ran round the outside of the studio and reappeared from the other direction. Clever eh? Couldn't have been me could it? I think Dairy Yoof's mate was a little suspicious, if the look on his face as he put his helmet back on his head was anything to go by. I got the distinct vibe that my efforts were less than appreciated from the stern look he gave me as I dutifully walked to heel beside The Owner as we headed for home. I feel that maybe tomorrow would be a good time to make myself scarce and spend a little while in the calf sheds out of the way.

The Owner and The Ambliance

We have had major things going on here today! The Owner had been shouting at Robert Peston on the telly again this morning, which is always a bad start to any day and then he thrust his hands deep in his pockets and we stomped off to the studio. I walked a little behind him all the way down. Not out of any sense of duty you understand, more a sense of self preservation. When we got to the studio he opened some letters and then started shouting at them too. This was followed by the phone and then the computer. The day was not going well! Eventually, he, The Owner, made himself the customary eleven o clock coffee (which always means I get a Bonio, have I mentioned that I like Bonio's?) at half past ten. Now aren't you impressed that I can tell the time as well? He hadn't finished his coffee when he wandered off outside. I awaited his return for the other half of my Bonio but he didn't return, so I went outside to see what he was doing. I found him, lying like a heap of crumpled ironing outside on the floor, which I thought may have been a little unusual. And so, apparently, did Dairyman Hoomun and Lady Dairyman Hoomun, as they helped him back into the studio and flopped him into the chair. This big delivery van, with lots of blue lights and far too much to say for itself, then came into the farm and I am told they call it an ambliance which was ok as ambliances come with ambliance drivers and they may give me a Bonio. I was a little disappointed as they all paid The Owner far too much attention which will only make my life difficult when they have gone, and they didn't give me a Bonio. Next thing I knew, they'd whisked The Owner off into the ambliance. Well I was, by now, beside myself with concern! Not only had they not given me a Bonio but they had encouraged The Owner to go with them and he hadn't given me the other half of my Bonio yet. It really is just too much, I may have to pee on their wheels if I see them again. I think The Owner is going to be a little difficult this evening if he has had any attention during the day from Ambliance Hoomun and Lady Ambliance Hoomun.

Breakfasts second course

How do hoomuns just KNOW? The Owner does it all the time, I do something which I feel he wouldn't want me to do and I do it when he isn't around. Then when I wander in through the back door he is there, arms folded, foot tapping with that accusing look in his eye. Today was just one of the those such days. It was raining when I went off for a mini patrol after breakfast, when I happened upon something organic and decaying nicely in the woods near the barbie. I had a little room left after breakfast so I thought a quick chomp wouldn't hurt. When I got back to the cottage The Owner was sat watching the telly with his cup of tea shouting at Robert Peston on the news. He holds him in similar contempt as That Slimeball Mandelson and so there was a lot of shouting going on so I was anxious not to cop any of that flack and knowing he wouldn't have been too impressed with my little snack I crept in on my belly and and slid around the corner of the sofa to get to my comfy cushion. How did he know????? His first words were "What have you been up to?" in those accusing tones he reserves for such occasions. I tried to creep under the sideboard but there was more accusing looks to follow. Ok, so I did deposit my breakfast and my extras on the carpet at his feet, but all the accusations were a little harsh I felt. I just wish I knew what it was I had eaten as it was perhaps not quite ripe enough. Perhaps that was what the problem was, The Owner was saving it for himself! But I still would like to know how he just knows!!!

Lynx

I was sitting there all quiet watching the telly with The Owner when I whirled round looking for some explanation or reassurance. The man on the telly started talking about this cat and described it as Lynx. To me, it looked not dissimilar to Cat that tried to walk on water earlier last week, and who incidentally has still not forgiven me and growls whenever I walk past on patrol. When The Owner wears Lynx he certainly doesn't look quite so furry. He seems to think it will make women fall at his feet in a heightened state of carnal desire. Of course, they don't and that may be due in part to the application of half a bottle producing a stench worthy of a large lavender bush and capable of descaling a kettle at a hundred yards, and also because of his constant laughing at his own jokes. I am failing to see the connection here unless Cat on the television is also wearing the same stinking stuff. I will try an find out more over the coming days.

Walking on Water

This morning I have made an important discovery for animal science!!! Cats do walk on water, albeit a little shakily, probably in need of more practice. I was on early morning patrol and am happy to report that the pond has had so much drought flow in to it that it is now full and overflowing. We have had a problem recently with a fox using the front lawn as it's own private lavatory for which I at first was getting the blame. Although as The Owner has always said, if I do one it usually requires blue and white road signs around it and to be treated as a roundabout. So he finally realised that these were far too delicate and small to have come from me and the admonishments I had received thus far were all in error. Did I get an apology? Nah! So, on patrol I was, near the pond. When I heard noises in the little copse around the back of the pond. I thought to myself, "Jack my boy, here is your moment to explain to Fox that he needs to adjust his pooing activities before The Owner catches up with him". So, with my stealthiest paws on and on my belly, I crept through the copse from the cricket field towards the pond. As I got closer I realised that Cat, who is new around here, had the same idea. He was creeping up on Fox too. So I crept closer and Cat crept closer. Cat had obviously been blamed for pooing on his Owner's lawn too. He crept right up behind Fox, (who was either very brave in the face of adversity or he had seen neither of us,) and was about to pounce, and I was right behind Cat. Well the excitement just got too much for me and I let out a very loud bark. It had the desired affect on Fox who legged it round the side of the pond and across the fields, but I am guessing that Cat was unaware of my presence until that point, as he ran straight across three lily pads and only realised he was on water when he was nearly at the other side...... and sank! Up to that point he was doing well I thought. Brave as ever, I jumped in and rescued him. Which seemed to be a little under-appreciated and I now have a little scab on the top of my nose which is a little distracting as I can see it if I squint a little. If I snooze I can shut my eyes and it won't be such a problem I think. I'll be on top of the straw bales in the calf sheds if anyone wants me.

A Philosophical View

There are days when you are the sitter; and then there are days when you are the sat upon!

Diesel Dog has Landed!

Well, what a few days I have had! Sundays, as I may have mentioned before follow a set pattern. The Owner gets up, makes a cup of tea and feeds me, then takes said cup of tea through to the living room and puts the telly on and shouts at The Andrew Marr show a lot. He says things like Slimeball Mandleson and other words that I pretend not to understand. Then he makes a second mug of tea and picks his paper off the front porch and then sits in the dining room and rants a lot at the paper. Grateful that his rant isn't at me I snuggle up with him on that sofa (because I am allowed) and awaits the next disturbance which will be at coffee time when he has a coffee and a glass of sherry. After the coffee and sherry disturbance to my snuggling and snoozing I settled back down again, only to be disturbed soon after when a van pulled up in the lay by so I felt obliged to charge about the garden a little and act all brave. Well I was more than a little surprised to see Tesco Delivery Yoof there so I rushed around in an entirely different manner hopeful of a Bonio. It was then that the day took a little turn. I had a quick stretch and turned over when out of the corner of my eye I felt sure I saw something rush past. Unable to see anything that may have been responsible I settled down again, after a moment or two I was even more sure I had seen it again but when I looked the room was quiet and still, much as it always is. I was just having another stretch and climbing off the sofa when Diesel Dog ran through the dining room and the boot room and out the back door, apparently for the third time in as many minutes. I finished my stretch and was about to start looking where he had gone, when I was T boned in the side by a demented badger masquerading as Diesel Dog! I ran out the front door, mainly just to get out of his way until he had worked it out of his system, but the fool followed me! So I ran harder, so he ran harder. I ran harder still, so the demented badger known as Diesel Dog, ran harder still. After the fourth trip round the garden, taking in the boot room, the kitchen, the dining room, the hallway and the porch before going outside the cottage again, I took a little sidestep as we entered the kitchen and stood behind The Owner's legs where he was making tea for Owners Daughter and Diesel Dog Daughter. Diesel Dog got quicker and quicker in his efforts to catch up with me, whilst I watched from the relative safety behind The Owners legs. Three more trips round looking for me and he spotted me. I thought my peace was about to be shattered but he just kept on running. I was quite worn out just watching him!! I was lucky it was a warm and sunny day so I went and had a snooze behind the barbie in the woods, every time I opened an eye I could still see him running. It was all just too much effort and I still feel tired.