Monday, 28 June 2010
The Cushion
If he comes creeping around me again with that ruddy camera of his when I am asleep I am going to loose my sense of humour!
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Thrown Out of the Garden Centre
Why did someone tell The Owner about the garden centre's offer to refund or replace any plant of their's which did not survive? We went back, four cooked lettuce plants formally known as lavender (yuk & phew!) in hand and brandishing his receipt. The very nice young lady on customer service saw me and found a dog biscuit from somewhere, I liked her!
She immediately said that they would replace them... well I wouldn't have done! Was he satisfied? No, not a bit, he wanted something extra for his time and petrol! So The Owner demanded the manager. I didn't like her quite so much as she didn't have a biscuit for me. Manager told him that he ought to think himself lucky as she could quite clearly see he had left them in a hot car and she wouldn't have replaced them! She told him to take his replacement plants and go. He had a hysterical moment - She called security. Just when I had managed to think another biscuit out of nice young lady on customer service desk's pocket and into my mouth, he gets us thrown out! As we drove out of the car park, Manager was stood at the door with her hands on her hips and a yoof was being sent across the car park with a paint pot in his hand towards their big name board, I suspect to modify their guarantee to exclude cooked lettuce plants. Can anyone recommend another good garden centre as I think we are going to need to find one!
She immediately said that they would replace them... well I wouldn't have done! Was he satisfied? No, not a bit, he wanted something extra for his time and petrol! So The Owner demanded the manager. I didn't like her quite so much as she didn't have a biscuit for me. Manager told him that he ought to think himself lucky as she could quite clearly see he had left them in a hot car and she wouldn't have replaced them! She told him to take his replacement plants and go. He had a hysterical moment - She called security. Just when I had managed to think another biscuit out of nice young lady on customer service desk's pocket and into my mouth, he gets us thrown out! As we drove out of the car park, Manager was stood at the door with her hands on her hips and a yoof was being sent across the car park with a paint pot in his hand towards their big name board, I suspect to modify their guarantee to exclude cooked lettuce plants. Can anyone recommend another good garden centre as I think we are going to need to find one!
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Cooked lavender
The Owner found every reason imaginable not to walk back for his car yesterday, opting instead for the lazy way out by waiting for someone to arrive who had a car and was heading back past the pub and was fool enough to give him a lift. After a day in the hot sunshine the inside of the car was like an oven, in fact he had to put a pair of gloves on to touch the steering wheel. What a wimp!
When we eventually got the steering wheel cooled down a little, enough for him to drive home, he suddenly remembered the lavender plants in the back. I was sat with them, I didn't need to remember them! One thing for certain, they won't need drying out at the end of the summer! So this afternoon we have to go back to the garden centre for more plants. This is the garden centre who foolishly guarantee their plants will last for twelve months and I suspect The Owner will be trying to claim some free replacements although how he thinks he is going to swing that one escapes me! I can't help but think they might notice that the plants he will present to them as evidence will have the same consistency as cooked lettuce!
When we eventually got the steering wheel cooled down a little, enough for him to drive home, he suddenly remembered the lavender plants in the back. I was sat with them, I didn't need to remember them! One thing for certain, they won't need drying out at the end of the summer! So this afternoon we have to go back to the garden centre for more plants. This is the garden centre who foolishly guarantee their plants will last for twelve months and I suspect The Owner will be trying to claim some free replacements although how he thinks he is going to swing that one escapes me! I can't help but think they might notice that the plants he will present to them as evidence will have the same consistency as cooked lettuce!
The New Lavender Bushes
Oh man was I in trouble on Sunday! After much rummaging in the lavender beds he came in stinking like those two old ladies in the village and announced we needed more lavender to make up for those that didn't make it through the winter. More!!!? So we got in the car and off to the garden centre we went. He bought several more lavender plants and an ice cream each.
I don't think he noticed the one I had already stolen from a small child who was just not quite careful enough. After devising some kind of torture chamber in the back of the car by surrounding me with lavender bushes we head for home except we got as far as the pub when he announced that we would stop for just the one! That was always bound to end in us having to leave the car behind and walk home! Sat out in the garden and who should come round the corner but Lady Chocolate Lab and her Owner. I was a little wary at first as the puncture marks from her last visit were only just beginning to heal over but we were soon bounding round the gardens in a frantic and lust fuelled game of chase again. Another brute of a dog arrived in the shape of a big black lab although his Owner didn't let him off his lead but I still felt the need to do a little scent marking just to be sure and rushed around pissing on things until my bladder was nearly empty. That was where it all went wrong! How was I to know that big purple thing in the middle of the lawn was Lady Chocolate Lab Owners hand bag? The Owner appeared quite vexed by the whole thing and rushed around with handfuls of tissue and smelly sprays trying to clear up my efforts. I went and stood on the bank out of the way and watched whilst the rest of the pub garden laughed. Lady Chocolate Lab came and joined me on the bank and I think I even saw her Owner laughing a little which only made The Owners temper blacker. When we got home I opted to find the spot behind the barbie in the woods. I think that was far enough out of the way!
I don't think he noticed the one I had already stolen from a small child who was just not quite careful enough. After devising some kind of torture chamber in the back of the car by surrounding me with lavender bushes we head for home except we got as far as the pub when he announced that we would stop for just the one! That was always bound to end in us having to leave the car behind and walk home! Sat out in the garden and who should come round the corner but Lady Chocolate Lab and her Owner. I was a little wary at first as the puncture marks from her last visit were only just beginning to heal over but we were soon bounding round the gardens in a frantic and lust fuelled game of chase again. Another brute of a dog arrived in the shape of a big black lab although his Owner didn't let him off his lead but I still felt the need to do a little scent marking just to be sure and rushed around pissing on things until my bladder was nearly empty. That was where it all went wrong! How was I to know that big purple thing in the middle of the lawn was Lady Chocolate Lab Owners hand bag? The Owner appeared quite vexed by the whole thing and rushed around with handfuls of tissue and smelly sprays trying to clear up my efforts. I went and stood on the bank out of the way and watched whilst the rest of the pub garden laughed. Lady Chocolate Lab came and joined me on the bank and I think I even saw her Owner laughing a little which only made The Owners temper blacker. When we got home I opted to find the spot behind the barbie in the woods. I think that was far enough out of the way!
Monday, 21 June 2010
The Lavender
The Owner's out in the garden doing stuff with that rose which he informs no one in particular has 'Gone past its best' and not a moment too soon if you ask me! Now it's the lavender down the front path! Oh heaven help us! Yuk and double phew! He's out there now weeding around them "To make sure we see them at their best".
I tried to distract him by laying across the middle of them on my back but that didn't seem to be appreciated so now after a morning poking around with them he smells like those two little old ladies up in the village. I can tolerate them coz they have always got a biscuit for me and then we are on our way again but he is with me until it wears off and one does have certain principles you understand. I think I might have to wee on them later to make them smell a bit better. I wee'd on one earlier and I think he suspected when he got to it in his weeding as he gave me a very strange and accusing look. I thought it best I came in at that point and let him get on with it. Besides, that bit of nice steak he got out of the freezer earlier looks like it may be nearly thawed out so I suspect it may need guarding....just in case!
I tried to distract him by laying across the middle of them on my back but that didn't seem to be appreciated so now after a morning poking around with them he smells like those two little old ladies up in the village. I can tolerate them coz they have always got a biscuit for me and then we are on our way again but he is with me until it wears off and one does have certain principles you understand. I think I might have to wee on them later to make them smell a bit better. I wee'd on one earlier and I think he suspected when he got to it in his weeding as he gave me a very strange and accusing look. I thought it best I came in at that point and let him get on with it. Besides, that bit of nice steak he got out of the freezer earlier looks like it may be nearly thawed out so I suspect it may need guarding....just in case!
Hoomun Yoof!
Yesterday I was up round the back of the dairy where I had found a particularly good heap of badger poo to roll in. Now I know what you are thinking, isn't he lucky to have found it, but unfortunately much as I try and persuade him differently The Owner never seems to quite understand!
Well, I had got the shoulder sufficiently smeared to impress The Owner, I felt, when I went back to the office to show him. When I arrived there a Hoomun Yoof had arrived for an interview. I'm not sure what is wrong with the view we have already across the fields with my friends the cows, to the church and Robbie Williams house. Anyway I went rushing in to greet him and introduce myself, but niether him nor The Owner seemed particularly pleased to see me. Maybe it was just at an awkward moment in the discussions I thought, so I persisted with my jumping up and rubbing against the legs routine, when Hoomun Yoof ran outside holding his nose and mouth and making some very strange noises! The Owner lent him a pair of his trousers which was quite comical I thought as Hoomun Yoof could have got into just one leg! I guessed that my latest attempts at converting The Owner to the delicacies of badger poo failed when he started chasing me with the hose pipe and yard broom with a particularly angst ridden look in his eye. I'm a bit disappointed with Hoomun Yoof as he never gave me a Bonio from my bucket before he left!
Well, I had got the shoulder sufficiently smeared to impress The Owner, I felt, when I went back to the office to show him. When I arrived there a Hoomun Yoof had arrived for an interview. I'm not sure what is wrong with the view we have already across the fields with my friends the cows, to the church and Robbie Williams house. Anyway I went rushing in to greet him and introduce myself, but niether him nor The Owner seemed particularly pleased to see me. Maybe it was just at an awkward moment in the discussions I thought, so I persisted with my jumping up and rubbing against the legs routine, when Hoomun Yoof ran outside holding his nose and mouth and making some very strange noises! The Owner lent him a pair of his trousers which was quite comical I thought as Hoomun Yoof could have got into just one leg! I guessed that my latest attempts at converting The Owner to the delicacies of badger poo failed when he started chasing me with the hose pipe and yard broom with a particularly angst ridden look in his eye. I'm a bit disappointed with Hoomun Yoof as he never gave me a Bonio from my bucket before he left!
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