I need to report that the telegraph pole has been replaced - with a new one - with not a drop of wee on it.
A situation which I did my best to remedy but my effort was not appreciated by the space aliens in the white lorry with the funny stuff on the roof. Well they hadn't quite finished filling the hole up with dirt before I got to it. It may have had something to do with aim being a little off as well but I believe that was just a side issue. I think they may have been a little miffed that I got to wee up it before they did; you never know with space aliens!
Monday, 14 February 2011
The Space Aliens stole my post!
There has been little worthy of report these last few days. Get up - get fed - go on patrol - come back - go to work - pond still full - come home - get fed- sleep and then do it all again the next day, until yesterday. Well the day started normally enough and as we came home for lunch there was a white lorry parked near my telegraph post with some complicated looking thing on its roof.
I claim ownership of the post only in that it is the one I always wee up, which applies to most telegraph posts and fence posts and anything which isn't moving at the time I guess. I regarded the two hoomuns in the lorry with particular suspicion. Mainly because they didn't throw me any crusts from their sandwiched as we passed. But in the fullness of time how right I was! I am beginning to suspect further space alien activity here. We went home and The Owner made himself a sandwich as normal, and then proceeded to devour the whole darn thing! He never even so much as drops a crumb that I might have a sniff at! When we started our shuffle back down the road to work you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The white lorry was gone...............and so was the telegraph post!!! All that was left was a deep, round hole just a little larger that the post was. I had a quick sniff but could think of nothing to explain it other than the lorry must have been a spaceship and it is clearly fueled with telegraph poles! That is what I think happened! So I wee'ed in the hole to be on the safe side anyway and went back to the office for a quick snooze whilst I considered the matter.
I claim ownership of the post only in that it is the one I always wee up, which applies to most telegraph posts and fence posts and anything which isn't moving at the time I guess. I regarded the two hoomuns in the lorry with particular suspicion. Mainly because they didn't throw me any crusts from their sandwiched as we passed. But in the fullness of time how right I was! I am beginning to suspect further space alien activity here. We went home and The Owner made himself a sandwich as normal, and then proceeded to devour the whole darn thing! He never even so much as drops a crumb that I might have a sniff at! When we started our shuffle back down the road to work you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The white lorry was gone...............and so was the telegraph post!!! All that was left was a deep, round hole just a little larger that the post was. I had a quick sniff but could think of nothing to explain it other than the lorry must have been a spaceship and it is clearly fueled with telegraph poles! That is what I think happened! So I wee'ed in the hole to be on the safe side anyway and went back to the office for a quick snooze whilst I considered the matter.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Dog Lady Opposite's Unexpected Visit
Well, we have oil, and after a lot of swearing at the boiler, we have heat as well. Which means he will have to put away the milk and butter from the kitchen work surfaces where they appear to have taken up residence in recent days.
So on his awakening this morning he comes down the stairs wearing very little and singing and telling no one in particular how warm it all is indoors today. Frankly, I preferred it when it was cold and he had several shirts, jumpers and fleeces on. Apart from when he went looking for his 'special fleece'...... Well I needed something a little extra in the boot room coz it was reeeeeely really cold at night!
Some mornings Dog Lady Opposite comes over, if she is taking her pack out for a long walk, and takes me with them. I like that coz I get a Bonio when we get back and a rub down with a warm towel. Have I mentioned that I like Bonio's? Anyway, whilst he is flouncing around the dining room telling me how warm it is indoors and extolling the virtues of the very efficient new boiler (the same one he was swearing at yesterday!), Dog Lady Opposite bursts through the front door to get my lead and take me with her! There then followed a very bizarre scene. The Owner stood in the middle of the dining room with a cushion, the only thing he could grab at such short notice, covering his embarrassment. Dog Lady Opposite looking him only in the eyes. Both carrying on a conversation about gravel extraction (the topic of much village conversation lately), as though this was perfectly normal behaviour! I suspect the heating may be turned down a little tonight somehow!
So on his awakening this morning he comes down the stairs wearing very little and singing and telling no one in particular how warm it all is indoors today. Frankly, I preferred it when it was cold and he had several shirts, jumpers and fleeces on. Apart from when he went looking for his 'special fleece'...... Well I needed something a little extra in the boot room coz it was reeeeeely really cold at night!
Some mornings Dog Lady Opposite comes over, if she is taking her pack out for a long walk, and takes me with them. I like that coz I get a Bonio when we get back and a rub down with a warm towel. Have I mentioned that I like Bonio's? Anyway, whilst he is flouncing around the dining room telling me how warm it is indoors and extolling the virtues of the very efficient new boiler (the same one he was swearing at yesterday!), Dog Lady Opposite bursts through the front door to get my lead and take me with her! There then followed a very bizarre scene. The Owner stood in the middle of the dining room with a cushion, the only thing he could grab at such short notice, covering his embarrassment. Dog Lady Opposite looking him only in the eyes. Both carrying on a conversation about gravel extraction (the topic of much village conversation lately), as though this was perfectly normal behaviour! I suspect the heating may be turned down a little tonight somehow!
Oil Delivery Man and the Snake
It was a strange morning yesterday looking back on it. We got up first thing in the morning to a cottage as cold as could be, still no heating oil, and The Owner went to the fridge to get his milk for his morning tea. It was at that point that I heard the closest thing to a grumble since he has returned that I have yet to report. He thought that the fridge had broken down.
Well if anyone were to ask for my opinion I could have told him it was still working. I am the one who has to put up with it whirring and gurgling all night long as it stands right beside my bed. Now as I understand it, the fridge is designed to keep it's contents at a constant low temperature. However, if the temperature outside it i.e. in the boot room, is lower than the fridge is normally set to, it's going to feel warm in the fridge!
Now I have to point out, in my defence, that I have never been there when Oil Delivery Man comes to deliver. He puts some oil in the tank and then comes to see The Owner in the office and they then have a cup of tea and talk about lorries and diesel and stuff whilst The Owner pretends to know what he is talking about and then The Owner pays Oil Delivery Man some money and after he gives me a Bonio, he goes on his way. So generally, I like Oil Delivery Man! Yesterday morning I heard Oil Delivery Man's lorry turn up quite early and I was still at the cottage, so I went out the back door and round to the front to say hello. When I got there all I could see was a huge black snake disappearing after him around the corner. Well he was my friend! So I felt he needed protecting and so I launched myself upon this snake with great enthusiasm. It struggled and pulled to try and get away so I bit it harder and tried even harder to pull it away from my friend. Just as I managed to bite a bit of its skin off it gave up struggling and Oil Delivery Man appeared looking a little flustered from round by the tank. I thought he was going to be so pleased at my efforts to protect him. However The Owner was summoned and I get the feeling that once The Owner has bought him a new hose we may have to get a new Oil Delivery Hoomun. Well how was I to know?!?!?! It was a very quiet day at the office apart from some very loud stares from The Owner periodically.
Well if anyone were to ask for my opinion I could have told him it was still working. I am the one who has to put up with it whirring and gurgling all night long as it stands right beside my bed. Now as I understand it, the fridge is designed to keep it's contents at a constant low temperature. However, if the temperature outside it i.e. in the boot room, is lower than the fridge is normally set to, it's going to feel warm in the fridge!
Now I have to point out, in my defence, that I have never been there when Oil Delivery Man comes to deliver. He puts some oil in the tank and then comes to see The Owner in the office and they then have a cup of tea and talk about lorries and diesel and stuff whilst The Owner pretends to know what he is talking about and then The Owner pays Oil Delivery Man some money and after he gives me a Bonio, he goes on his way. So generally, I like Oil Delivery Man! Yesterday morning I heard Oil Delivery Man's lorry turn up quite early and I was still at the cottage, so I went out the back door and round to the front to say hello. When I got there all I could see was a huge black snake disappearing after him around the corner. Well he was my friend! So I felt he needed protecting and so I launched myself upon this snake with great enthusiasm. It struggled and pulled to try and get away so I bit it harder and tried even harder to pull it away from my friend. Just as I managed to bite a bit of its skin off it gave up struggling and Oil Delivery Man appeared looking a little flustered from round by the tank. I thought he was going to be so pleased at my efforts to protect him. However The Owner was summoned and I get the feeling that once The Owner has bought him a new hose we may have to get a new Oil Delivery Hoomun. Well how was I to know?!?!?! It was a very quiet day at the office apart from some very loud stares from The Owner periodically.
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
On Birthdays
This weekend has left me with one or two little conundrums! Firstly, birthdays. Why do hoomuns celebrate birthdays and why do they always cheat when it comes to telling everyone how many they have had?
Now I know that when I have a birthday The Owner tells me that it goes up in sevens. At the weekend it was Pub Landlady's birthday and so on Sunday lunchtime we went to wish her a Happy Birthday (and have more drink!) and I distinctly remember last year and I remember how old she told everyone she was, so why was everyone trying to make her feel better by telling her that she was only one year older? I know she should have been seven years older! My second conundrum was Burns night. Why do hoomuns celebrate someone getting burnt? Every time The Owner gets burnt on the wood burner (which is often) he doesn't do any celebrating. He dances around the living room carpet a lot holding his hand or his knee on these occasions but as far as I know he doesn't celebrate the anniversary. He would probably be celebrating every night if that were the case. Nevertheless he went out on Saturday night to celebrate Burns night and that was probably the most strange event I think he has ever taken me to. There were men there wearing skirts!!!! And everyone was going round saying things that I didn't understand and then laughing loudly as if at their own jokes. As for that man wearing a skirt with some animal under his arm that was wailing loudly. To be fair, if he was blowing loudly through a stick in me I fear I may have a less than favourable opinion on the matter myself. When he got home he kept rushing around the house holding his belly and his mouth making some very strange noises and was still doing the same the next morning when I got up for my breakfast. It all seems very strange to me!
Now I know that when I have a birthday The Owner tells me that it goes up in sevens. At the weekend it was Pub Landlady's birthday and so on Sunday lunchtime we went to wish her a Happy Birthday (and have more drink!) and I distinctly remember last year and I remember how old she told everyone she was, so why was everyone trying to make her feel better by telling her that she was only one year older? I know she should have been seven years older! My second conundrum was Burns night. Why do hoomuns celebrate someone getting burnt? Every time The Owner gets burnt on the wood burner (which is often) he doesn't do any celebrating. He dances around the living room carpet a lot holding his hand or his knee on these occasions but as far as I know he doesn't celebrate the anniversary. He would probably be celebrating every night if that were the case. Nevertheless he went out on Saturday night to celebrate Burns night and that was probably the most strange event I think he has ever taken me to. There were men there wearing skirts!!!! And everyone was going round saying things that I didn't understand and then laughing loudly as if at their own jokes. As for that man wearing a skirt with some animal under his arm that was wailing loudly. To be fair, if he was blowing loudly through a stick in me I fear I may have a less than favourable opinion on the matter myself. When he got home he kept rushing around the house holding his belly and his mouth making some very strange noises and was still doing the same the next morning when I got up for my breakfast. It all seems very strange to me!
Well he came back yesterday evening....... eventually! I suspect that he had been to the pub as he smelled strongly of wine and brandy. So did his new found drinking companion Farm Owner who also had the faintest whiff about him of something a little less pleasant, although I had better say little about that as I feel I may come in for a little flack about where the odour came from.
We wandered back up the road in a particularly round about kind of way, presumably to avoid the ice and other frozen detritus which still spews forth from the manhole cover near the office. It must be much worse than I feared as he walked from side to side of the road all the way back to the cottage. He was also singing loudly which was a wholly unpleasant experience and I think a completely new way of using the voice in melody. He basically said all the words on the same note and just varied the volume louder or quieter as required. This morning he is a little quieter and has mercifully stopped his singing and is instead growling quite a lot at anyone who comes anywhere near him. I think I may try my luck at getting another breakfast at the manor, it may be safer to spend the day down there. Nearly forgot! I have a new friend today who refers to me as Posh Jack. I think I like this. Being recognised for one's breeding has it's benefits. Had I mentioned I was born on Lord Bath's Estate?
We wandered back up the road in a particularly round about kind of way, presumably to avoid the ice and other frozen detritus which still spews forth from the manhole cover near the office. It must be much worse than I feared as he walked from side to side of the road all the way back to the cottage. He was also singing loudly which was a wholly unpleasant experience and I think a completely new way of using the voice in melody. He basically said all the words on the same note and just varied the volume louder or quieter as required. This morning he is a little quieter and has mercifully stopped his singing and is instead growling quite a lot at anyone who comes anywhere near him. I think I may try my luck at getting another breakfast at the manor, it may be safer to spend the day down there. Nearly forgot! I have a new friend today who refers to me as Posh Jack. I think I like this. Being recognised for one's breeding has it's benefits. Had I mentioned I was born on Lord Bath's Estate?
My Entanglement with Farm Owner
It's been a very difficult day here! When The Owner and I wandered to work this morning, through the frosty grass, we noticed that the road as we approached the farm was getting very icy, well I did anyway as there was a decided loss of traction and I don't think it was appreciated much when I managed to knock Farm Owner to the floor in a particularly daring power slide!
It would seem that the drains on the farm had blocked over night and all kind of matter had backed up and lifted the drain cover and flooded across the road and then frozen. No harm done I felt! He got up and removed the odd bit of soggy paper from his jacket and went about his business grumbling a little about dogs being fenced in or something. When we went home for lunch I did my usual trick and as soon as the door was open I burst forth into the sunshine. Well not all the ice had thawed where the sun hadn't got yet and I found that bit quite quickly. Ok, so it may have been a little unfortunate that Farm Owner was going home for dinner at the time and I now realise what the other stuff that went with the soggy paper was, as it had now thawed and reverted to its original state. Personally, I think Farm Owner made just a little too much of the whole thing when I knocked him over for the second time today and I could see absolutely no merit in him rolling in that stuff like that! If I were his owner I think I would have made him wait in the boot room until he had cleaned himself up a little! If I had left little dollops, well big dollops actually, like that all over the place I think The Owner may have had an opinion on the matter. So I'm not really understanding at the moment why it is that I am confined to the tack room over this! It's dark now, I hope The Owner hasn't forgotten about me, it's awfully quiet out there.
Hellooooo!!!
It would seem that the drains on the farm had blocked over night and all kind of matter had backed up and lifted the drain cover and flooded across the road and then frozen. No harm done I felt! He got up and removed the odd bit of soggy paper from his jacket and went about his business grumbling a little about dogs being fenced in or something. When we went home for lunch I did my usual trick and as soon as the door was open I burst forth into the sunshine. Well not all the ice had thawed where the sun hadn't got yet and I found that bit quite quickly. Ok, so it may have been a little unfortunate that Farm Owner was going home for dinner at the time and I now realise what the other stuff that went with the soggy paper was, as it had now thawed and reverted to its original state. Personally, I think Farm Owner made just a little too much of the whole thing when I knocked him over for the second time today and I could see absolutely no merit in him rolling in that stuff like that! If I were his owner I think I would have made him wait in the boot room until he had cleaned himself up a little! If I had left little dollops, well big dollops actually, like that all over the place I think The Owner may have had an opinion on the matter. So I'm not really understanding at the moment why it is that I am confined to the tack room over this! It's dark now, I hope The Owner hasn't forgotten about me, it's awfully quiet out there.
Hellooooo!!!
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