I have developed a little routine of late and I am beginning to see why The Owner seems to enjoy it so much. Most mornings his routine for himself is to make a mug of tea, put two slices of bread in the toaster, retire to the sofa and absent mindedly munch on his buttered toast and then shower before dressing and then shuffling off down the road to the office - sorry, studio.
Well, of late my own routine has not been dissimilar! On a recent patrol round the calf sheds I happened upon something organic and I confess I was at something of a loss as to exactly what to do with it for the best, roll in it, or eat it. So, the other morning on an early patrol, I decided to get my shoulder in it and then rush back to the cottage to see The Owner who was munching absent mindedly on his toast. He immediately went a funny colour and ran out leaving his toast on the carpet. Not one to leave an opportunity like that unused I cleaned it up for him. He called me outside and set about me with the hosepipe, so I went to the studio with a full belly and a clean coat. A not unpleasant experience I thought. So every morning since, after my breakfast, I have made a quick patrol up to the calf sheds for a quick roll, back to the cottage to show The Owner, he predictably goes a funny colour and runs out. Two slices of toast? Rude not to! Then he lurks outside with the hosepipe, so I have my "Shower". Not sure what to do when I have used up all the organic matter in the calf sheds. May have to widen my patrol and find a reserve supply.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
The Rook
Mornings for The Owner and me are a quite predictable transition from slumber to the outside world and work and other important stuff, apart from when I throw the odd curveball in; because I can.
Ordinarily it goes much along the line of The Owner coming grumbling down the stairs and putting the kettle and his toast on, letting me out, feeding me and then taking his tea and toast into the living room to watch the breakfast news whilst I go out for my early morning patrol. When I get back he is sat there either snoozing or watching something which has caught his attention and I settle down on the carpet for a snooze myself, until he is ready for his shower and then on to work. Today it had followed much the same routine until I heard a rook land on the chimney and his mild squawks came wafting down the chimney. I did no more than raise an eyebrow and then carry on snoozing when suddenly the stupid bird lost its balance and fell down the chimney! We then had The Owner rushing around the living room chasing a rook who was very intent on not being helped and had a lot to say on the matter. There was soot and feathers flying everywhere, as well as most of The Owner's ornaments, photos and books! Eventually The Owner managed to herd the rook out through the front door in a move that would have been worthy of One Man & His Dog, only without the whistles and the "Come by's!" After Rook's repatriation to the great outdoors The Owner returned and stood beside me, a little more awake than he was only moments before, and surveyed the carnage in the living room. It gave me a certain sense of pleasure to think that this was one big "Ooops!" moment that I was in no way responsible for, even in The Owners somewhat distorted version of reality!
Ordinarily it goes much along the line of The Owner coming grumbling down the stairs and putting the kettle and his toast on, letting me out, feeding me and then taking his tea and toast into the living room to watch the breakfast news whilst I go out for my early morning patrol. When I get back he is sat there either snoozing or watching something which has caught his attention and I settle down on the carpet for a snooze myself, until he is ready for his shower and then on to work. Today it had followed much the same routine until I heard a rook land on the chimney and his mild squawks came wafting down the chimney. I did no more than raise an eyebrow and then carry on snoozing when suddenly the stupid bird lost its balance and fell down the chimney! We then had The Owner rushing around the living room chasing a rook who was very intent on not being helped and had a lot to say on the matter. There was soot and feathers flying everywhere, as well as most of The Owner's ornaments, photos and books! Eventually The Owner managed to herd the rook out through the front door in a move that would have been worthy of One Man & His Dog, only without the whistles and the "Come by's!" After Rook's repatriation to the great outdoors The Owner returned and stood beside me, a little more awake than he was only moments before, and surveyed the carnage in the living room. It gave me a certain sense of pleasure to think that this was one big "Ooops!" moment that I was in no way responsible for, even in The Owners somewhat distorted version of reality!
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
People Fallling Over
Well I must apologise for not reporting on this yesterday but The Owner was hogging the computer all day writing about it all in his memoirs. I mean, who would want to read about a middle aged, slightly rotund bloke with a crusty old barbour jacket and a dog? So, on Sunday it appeared to be a day of falling over. Not through the usual liberal consumption of drink but, well, let me explain.
Sunday morning was spent with a conspicuous lack of the promised activity i.e. hoovering, mowing, changing of beds etc. until just after lunch when he jumps out of the chair and grabs my lead. Now the only place I wear my lead is in the pub (pub rules) so I got really excited and ran round and around until I nearly knocked him over. Which did illicit a sort of growl from The Owner, so off we went to the pub. About half way up there I had been put on my lead because he reckoned I was sniffing too many posts and stuff. Then The Owner suddenly threw himself to the ground! I thought he must have wanted to play so I jumped on him and tried to stick my nose into many places that normally cause him to laugh but on this occasion he just grumbled as it turned out he had tripped over on a pothole. Since then he has been making plans to sue the council, the police, central government and Robert Mugabe. I'm not sure what he thinks Robert Mugabe had to do with it as I don't think he lives around here. After a few drinks, and eager to find a reason to get another drink after time has been called, he started to talk to Bar Maid. Eventually Bar Maid got fed up with talking to him as well and said she must be going and stood up to go. With that she threw herself to the floor as well. I couldn't see any potholes in the pub floor! The Owner jumps up and throws himself to the floor "To help her in her hour of need!" Well I thought they were all playing a game which looked kinda fun so I threw myself on top of the pair of them but it wasn't appreciated. Land Lord took me to one side whilst The Owner made her comfortable and held her hand a lot. Ambulance Man turned up and complained loudly about dogs hairs on his uniform so Kitchen Yoof was told to take me outside. I didn't think it was worth being banished! When a big ambulance turned up with flashing blue lights they also complained about dog hairs so I contented myself with weeing up their tyres. I've never been in an ambulance before but judging by the fuss they all made I don't think I am going to be invited to any time soon.
Sunday morning was spent with a conspicuous lack of the promised activity i.e. hoovering, mowing, changing of beds etc. until just after lunch when he jumps out of the chair and grabs my lead. Now the only place I wear my lead is in the pub (pub rules) so I got really excited and ran round and around until I nearly knocked him over. Which did illicit a sort of growl from The Owner, so off we went to the pub. About half way up there I had been put on my lead because he reckoned I was sniffing too many posts and stuff. Then The Owner suddenly threw himself to the ground! I thought he must have wanted to play so I jumped on him and tried to stick my nose into many places that normally cause him to laugh but on this occasion he just grumbled as it turned out he had tripped over on a pothole. Since then he has been making plans to sue the council, the police, central government and Robert Mugabe. I'm not sure what he thinks Robert Mugabe had to do with it as I don't think he lives around here. After a few drinks, and eager to find a reason to get another drink after time has been called, he started to talk to Bar Maid. Eventually Bar Maid got fed up with talking to him as well and said she must be going and stood up to go. With that she threw herself to the floor as well. I couldn't see any potholes in the pub floor! The Owner jumps up and throws himself to the floor "To help her in her hour of need!" Well I thought they were all playing a game which looked kinda fun so I threw myself on top of the pair of them but it wasn't appreciated. Land Lord took me to one side whilst The Owner made her comfortable and held her hand a lot. Ambulance Man turned up and complained loudly about dogs hairs on his uniform so Kitchen Yoof was told to take me outside. I didn't think it was worth being banished! When a big ambulance turned up with flashing blue lights they also complained about dog hairs so I contented myself with weeing up their tyres. I've never been in an ambulance before but judging by the fuss they all made I don't think I am going to be invited to any time soon.
Monday, 23 May 2011
Cat in the Pond
Sometimes you just notice things which you realise you should have known all along and yesterday was one of those days. I realised that cats don't float! I also realised that although when I, a K9, get wet through, it reveals my muscular figure as my wet coat clings to my rippling shoulders and thighs, a cat just looks kinda ridiculous.
Yesterday The Owner took me to see Owners Dad which happens altogether too infrequently. I say this not out of any necessary affection but because whenever I have gone there, Owners Dads Cat has offered me rich pickings from the remnants of barbecues or biscuits when he has overreacted to my appearance. So on this occasion, a barbecue not being one of the things on offer, I opted to lay in the conservatory nearest to a plate full of digestives which The Owner was devouring with great delight and frankly, to the exclusion of Owners Dad, despite his protests on the matter. Owners Dads Cat, who I shall refer to here as just Cat, left our little ensemble and went up the garden and laid in the sun under a funny little red tree beside the pond. In one of the neighbouring gardens Blackbird (and I don't think it is the same one as we have in the cottage garden as he spoke with a different accent) was venting forth on the presence of both a cat and a dog. "Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, cat, cat, cat,cat,cat,catcatcatcat!" he shouted at the world as he took off from his perch on some apparent suicide mission over the top of the fence and swooped low over the pond and straight past Cat. Cat decided it would be good to vary his diet from the usual frogs and slow worms together with "on demand" dried food and include a little blackbird. So he lept forth from under the tree with claws drawn and missed Blackbird completely and it was at this point that Cat realised the flaw in his plan. He was three feet in the air, over the pond, and with no visible or practical means of support. I also have now realised that cats generally can make some very strange noises! Unlike myself when I get unexpectedly wet, I leap energetically from the pond to try and give the impression that I meant to do it, Cat just looks like The Owner trying to get out of the bath after using too much bath oil. I am sorry to admit that I am beginning to understand the pleasure in laughing at other animals misfortune and can see why The Owner seems to enjoy it so much.
Yesterday The Owner took me to see Owners Dad which happens altogether too infrequently. I say this not out of any necessary affection but because whenever I have gone there, Owners Dads Cat has offered me rich pickings from the remnants of barbecues or biscuits when he has overreacted to my appearance. So on this occasion, a barbecue not being one of the things on offer, I opted to lay in the conservatory nearest to a plate full of digestives which The Owner was devouring with great delight and frankly, to the exclusion of Owners Dad, despite his protests on the matter. Owners Dads Cat, who I shall refer to here as just Cat, left our little ensemble and went up the garden and laid in the sun under a funny little red tree beside the pond. In one of the neighbouring gardens Blackbird (and I don't think it is the same one as we have in the cottage garden as he spoke with a different accent) was venting forth on the presence of both a cat and a dog. "Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, cat, cat, cat,cat,cat,catcatcatcat!" he shouted at the world as he took off from his perch on some apparent suicide mission over the top of the fence and swooped low over the pond and straight past Cat. Cat decided it would be good to vary his diet from the usual frogs and slow worms together with "on demand" dried food and include a little blackbird. So he lept forth from under the tree with claws drawn and missed Blackbird completely and it was at this point that Cat realised the flaw in his plan. He was three feet in the air, over the pond, and with no visible or practical means of support. I also have now realised that cats generally can make some very strange noises! Unlike myself when I get unexpectedly wet, I leap energetically from the pond to try and give the impression that I meant to do it, Cat just looks like The Owner trying to get out of the bath after using too much bath oil. I am sorry to admit that I am beginning to understand the pleasure in laughing at other animals misfortune and can see why The Owner seems to enjoy it so much.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
Nothing Wrong with a Bit of Dead Deer.
He, The Owner, isn't talking to me today. He reckons I'm disgusting! After breakfast this morning I went off for a quick patrol through the manor gardens and down to where Adge the Badge lives. I have to report that the tennis courts have been replaced with a big shed which The Owner told me was a summer house. That was when he was still talking to me of course.
You'd have thought with the manor being that big they wouldn't have needed another houser just for the summer! So out across the paddock I went through the wet grass when I stumbled across it. A deer which hoomuns would have said was a bit past its sell by date! True, it did pong a little bit, but that is the sign of a good bit of dead deer. So, eager to supplement my breakfast of dried dog food I opted to try this little delicacy. Just a little chomp I thought would help keep the hunger at bay until tea time. Feeling generally pleased with myself I headed for home and found The Owner stretched out on the sofa with a mug of tea in one hand and two slices of buttered toast in a plate in the other. So I sat down on the floor beside him and rested my head on his lap, when it happened. It was just a little burp, hardly worth mentioning I thought at the time. Over reacting or what!!!!! The Owner jumps up and knocks his tea and toast over and went rushing out holding his belly and hand over his mouth just like he does when he has been too long at the pub! And somehow that is my fault!?!?! Even if he were talking to me at all today I don't think I would be talking to him. So there!
You'd have thought with the manor being that big they wouldn't have needed another houser just for the summer! So out across the paddock I went through the wet grass when I stumbled across it. A deer which hoomuns would have said was a bit past its sell by date! True, it did pong a little bit, but that is the sign of a good bit of dead deer. So, eager to supplement my breakfast of dried dog food I opted to try this little delicacy. Just a little chomp I thought would help keep the hunger at bay until tea time. Feeling generally pleased with myself I headed for home and found The Owner stretched out on the sofa with a mug of tea in one hand and two slices of buttered toast in a plate in the other. So I sat down on the floor beside him and rested my head on his lap, when it happened. It was just a little burp, hardly worth mentioning I thought at the time. Over reacting or what!!!!! The Owner jumps up and knocks his tea and toast over and went rushing out holding his belly and hand over his mouth just like he does when he has been too long at the pub! And somehow that is my fault!?!?! Even if he were talking to me at all today I don't think I would be talking to him. So there!
The Return of the Ribbon
I was in a certain amount of trouble at the weekend. Now I don't understand how a bit of old ribbon that I ate, which The Owner had tied around my birthday Bonio, went in as a big knot and came out in one very long length! The Owner found it most amusing as I struggled for ages with the problem.
Very insensitive of him I felt, particularly when he went and got his picnic chair to sit in the garden and watch. Quit with the wise cracks and lend a hand here, was what was really going through my mind. Whilst he sat there drinking his cup of tea and asking me if I would like him to go and get the Sunday paper for me to read I valiantly struggled to expel the whole length of ribbon. It was a small amount of satisfaction for me later when it got tangled up with the rotary mower and he had to untangle it from the blade underneath. I am guessing I won't be getting any more ribbon tied around my presents in the future.
Very insensitive of him I felt, particularly when he went and got his picnic chair to sit in the garden and watch. Quit with the wise cracks and lend a hand here, was what was really going through my mind. Whilst he sat there drinking his cup of tea and asking me if I would like him to go and get the Sunday paper for me to read I valiantly struggled to expel the whole length of ribbon. It was a small amount of satisfaction for me later when it got tangled up with the rotary mower and he had to untangle it from the blade underneath. I am guessing I won't be getting any more ribbon tied around my presents in the future.
My Birthday!
So many birthday wishes (for a dog) this morning! I'm quite overcome! The Owner was up early this morning and I thought that it maybe the start to another bad day, as do so many when he gets up early like that.
If only he'd turn the light on, he wouldn't stub his toe on things laying around the dining room or kitchen. Things which always seem to have something to do with me as it happens. When he opened the boot room door to let me out, it was with an unusually cheery "good Morning Birthday Boy!" As you could understand, it threw me little. Not the birthday boy bit, but the cheeriness! After breakfast he gave me a Bonio with a big ribbon tied around it which I devoured with great enthusiasm. Never did understand the idea of leaving a bit for later, I may get another one later if I look hungry or forlorn. I am beginning to feel at the moment that I perhaps ought to have not eaten the ribbon though. It was rather long and I am becoming a little concerned about how it may make its reappearance at the other end. If it's still in one long piece I may be there for some time! We're at the office, sorry, studio, already this morning and I have marked my birthday well, by having an opinion about the appearance of Electrician Yoof at the studio door. Although judging by the look on his face and the strange odour about his person afterwards I think my birthday may not be the only thing to have been marked this morning.
If only he'd turn the light on, he wouldn't stub his toe on things laying around the dining room or kitchen. Things which always seem to have something to do with me as it happens. When he opened the boot room door to let me out, it was with an unusually cheery "good Morning Birthday Boy!" As you could understand, it threw me little. Not the birthday boy bit, but the cheeriness! After breakfast he gave me a Bonio with a big ribbon tied around it which I devoured with great enthusiasm. Never did understand the idea of leaving a bit for later, I may get another one later if I look hungry or forlorn. I am beginning to feel at the moment that I perhaps ought to have not eaten the ribbon though. It was rather long and I am becoming a little concerned about how it may make its reappearance at the other end. If it's still in one long piece I may be there for some time! We're at the office, sorry, studio, already this morning and I have marked my birthday well, by having an opinion about the appearance of Electrician Yoof at the studio door. Although judging by the look on his face and the strange odour about his person afterwards I think my birthday may not be the only thing to have been marked this morning.
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