Chrisssmuss Morning in Swindon

Well yesterday answered several questions in my quest to understand the hoomun condition but posed several other conundrums for which I have absolutely no explanation!

Yesterday, The Owner came down the stairs as usual, except it was without the customary grumbling, he was singing! Singing about a Silent Night, which with his nocturnal grumblings and snoring is something unheard of in these parts. When I was let out of the boot room it came as something of a shock as he was wearing a piece of tinsel! Little else as it happened, as he fumbled around in the tumble dryer for his robe which he had forgotten to take out last night. Well if that was a bad way to start the day it got better, saying far too many "Yo ho ho's" to be plausible he presented me with the remains of my kangaroo chews that were posted to me from Oztraylia and also a packet of chews from my anonymous admirer known only as BH7 (Could be Blood Hound although I don't think they are numbered). I was immediately in trouble as The Owner left both packets unguarded whilst he made himself tea. Well they were mine!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been particularly careful not to twitch in my sleep ever since so as not to give The Owner any ammunition about Skippy again! We were collected soon by Volvo Hoomun and taken to his house, which appeared to be near Swindon! I like visiting houses, even in Swindon, so I wee'd up the door post to let others know I am about and went in, where I met Lady Volvo Owner, Volvo Daughter and Mother. They fed The Owner and made him wear a paper hat which made him look quite silly but he didn't seem to mind. I have made a note that there wasn't even a sausage for me, reprisals may follow! I was then allowed upstairs!!! They didn't have beds for me to lie on with duvets and stuff upstairs but they had armchairs! Even I know that armchairs go downstairs! As I believe I may have mentioned before, anything seems to go when you are in Swindon! Compton Bassett seems a very safe place to be I think, you know where you stand when you are in Compton Bassett.

The Kangaroo Chews

The Owner is being a little uncharitable towards me today and keeps calling me Skippy!

Yesterday a big parcel arrived from Oztralia. Now I have noticed just north of here is a place call New Zealand and The Owner tells me that Oztrailia is near New Zealand so I ought to try and keep an eye open to see the signs when next we go that way. In this parcel was some K9 chews with Kangaroo on the packet. Well I have looked them up on the laptop at home and they are indeed some strange looking critters! I mean, what happened to the rest of their front legs?!! So while The Owner was out of the way, and the packet of Kangaroo chews were unguarded, I nibbled the corner of the packet and "Borrowed" one. Well they were mine!!!! Sherlock Holmes (AKA, The Owner) of course noticed straight away. How does he do that whenever I have been doing stuff he thinks I shouldn't do? Kangaroo chew inside me and telling off out of the way I opted to go and have a lie down on my comfy cushion, just for a few minutes. Well I fell asleep didn't I? Well there I was, in my dream, running through the paddock chasing Lady Chocolate Lab, when The Owner wakes me up with his laughing whilst pointing a finger at me telling me to stop twitching. Ever since he has been calling me Skippy!

I think he walk like a camel, smells a bit like one too!

Bath Time

Do you see what I have to put up with?!?!

A Tail of Two Fires

What a busy time we have had, The Owner and me! Well actually it is The Owner who has been the busy one and I have been gainfully employed in keeping out of the way as it happens. Two things, and both, strangely, to do with fire! You may remember how Toaster got a little bit over the top in trying to upset The Owner's day at the start by burning his toast , along with much of the kitchen hanging cupboards. Well, I knew it had overstepped the mark and I was right, it was unceremoniously dropped in the wheelie bin. I wee'd on the bin later to signify my wish to be seen as siding with The Owner in his decision, just in case I overstep the mark myself one day and hope that he will remember and not throw me in there as well! So a visit to B&Q was in order for new units (and a sausage from Burger Van Hoomun when The Owner wasn't watching) after a quick stop by Curry's for a new toaster! When we returned home there was much unpacking of boxes and it was all going well until he went to get his electric drill/screwdriver. Battery flat! Boxes cleared away and wine bottle produced to while away the hour waiting for the charger to do its thing. I couldn't help but wonder whether the wine was a mistake, as we now have wall units that even I can see are not level. So much so that all the cups move to one side of the cupboard and the door keeps falling open! Now, the next fire. You may recall the eviction of my woodburner and the reinstatement of the open fire, together with all the hazards associated with it, like sparks and hot embers....oh yes, and smoke! The Owner has been back to B&Q and bought some bricks and some mud to stick them together with, and a big piece of metal (and another sausage from Burger Van Hoomun, but don't tell The Owner!). After much screwing (screwdriver charged up this time and no wine!) The Owner had fixed this big piece of metal across the top of the fireplace and then mixed up some of that mud stuff in the fireplace to stick all the bricks together. I feel Lady Cleaner Hoomun may have an opinion on mixing mud indoors when she comes later in the week but we'll see. The Owner arranged all the bricks and was very upset that some of them smell of wee! Now you see why I have kept out of the way? Well it was a heap of bricks in the garden and they are usually fair game for weeing up! After much banging and mixing The Owner stood up to survey the fruits of his labours and I must admit it did look quite nice and he ruffled the hair on my head and said "There we are Jack, that should stop the smoke!". So that was what this was all about! It didn't! Now I have mud, which The Owner calls Seement, stuck in my hairs on top of my head as well and I am worried in case I am seen out and about until I can get it out of my hair!

The Owner and an Icy Morning

This morning the expression "He who laughs last laughs longest", seemed to come to mind. When we left for morning patrol I observed the first proper frost of the winter, but temporarily forgot about the effects of frost upon the water. There had been quite a lot of water laying about over night, the result of a couple of heavy showers during the evening, which the frost had turned to ice. My exitthrough the gate, with great excitement, was a somewhat ungainly affair and I ended up on my back with legs and tails going in all the wrong directions whilst The Owner laughed very loudly and pointed a lot. We continued the patrol, with me trying very hard to resist the urge to sulk over the insensitive way The Owner had behaved at my predicament and in fact was continuing to behave that way! As we got to the pond (still without water) The Owner did a kind of little hop to get over the bank by the ditch and he too stepped on ice and fell on his back and waved his legs in the air a lot. I suffered in silence whilst The Owner made much of the whole affair and has been limping and whincing with every movement, eager for someone to notice his plight and ask how he is or something. Fortunately, no-one has obliged, so he may lose interest before long. I did manage to have a quick chomp on something a bit tasty that was lying under the hedge earlier. Come coffee time, I went up to The Owner for a little affection and mainly just to let him know I was there and not to forget my Bonio (I always have a Bonio when he has his coffee) when suddenly he went a funny colour and sent me under the desk out of his way!! It was only a little burp! Hardly worth all that fuss I thought! He has been ignoring me for the rest of the day. I think he smells like a camel!

Nefyou Comes to Visit.

Last night we went "Out" again. I went and sat under the sound desk again but it wasn't The Owner's feet that appeared. When I poked my nose out, when the coast was clear, I noticed he had been left in charge of folding up raffle tickets. Presumably as some kind of admonishment for not turning the lights on when required on the previous night. Today we have had Nefyou come and visit with his mates. The Owner refers to him as Nefme as he says it makes it sound more personal and then laughs very loudly at his own joke. The first time he mentioned it last night it was mildly amusing and some fool laughed. Someone who clearly had no idea about not encouraging The Owner in such matters. Thereafter, eager to seek more praise and popularity he was telling everyone and laughing very loudly himself. He was originally left in charge of selling raffle tickets but after he had scared two kids, one old lady hoomun and dropped the money box all over the floor, he was demoted to just folding tickets. He is busy with Nefyou down at the farm filming Nefyou's mates rolling around in the dust and straw on the floor. Their Mum's are going to be really cross with them when they get back. They seemed to want me to roll around on the floor with them, well that was not about to happen!!!! I remember what I had done in that straw when on patrol during last week!!

The Loose Wires on the Sound Desk

Last night The Owner said we were going to go "Out". I wasn't too sure where "Out" was at first but it turned out to be the village hall. Not sure why it has two names. Anyway, tonight The Village Hall will be known as "Out" and when we got there and went inside (I'm not really supposed to be in there) there were all these tables and chairs set out for hoomuns to sit at and some people with lots of makeup on kept popping out from behind a curtain and behaving in a very dramatic fashion. The Owner sat at the "Sound Desk" and the "Lighting Desk". I'm not sure what one of those are either but it had lots of buttons on top and wires coming out the back and The Owner clearly thought it made him very important to have his own seat and two desks and his own light when everyone else had to sit in the dark with candles. I was told to sit under the "Sound Desk" on his bag so that I wouldn't be noticed by The Director (who sounded very important) and risk getting asked to leave. I soon worked out that when The Owner twiddled with one of his buttons and switches the lights at the front went on and off and made lots of different sounds quite loudly. I thought at first he may have been in trouble but The Director seemed generally pleased with his efforts, so it must have been alright. Things were going swimmingly as The Owner was slurping loudly at his wine glass and during the second half, he even kicked off his shoes under the table. Now in the studio that usually means he will rub my belly with his toes whilst he works, so I rolled over on to my back. One of the wires fell off the back of the desk as I did so, but I paid no attention to it and I thought no one would notice in the darkness. They were building to a very dramatic crescendo on the stage where the curtains are and they were clearly expecting something to happen at that point as they all stood around with their hands on their hips looking at The Owner who was frantically twiddling at knobs and switches as they began to harrumph a lot. The Owner, for his part was protesting loudly that he was trying to turn it on but they were having none of it. He was frantically twiddling, and they were loudly harrumphing, when the audience started sniggering, then laughing loudly and I suspected The Owner was getting quite flustered by all the attention, so I stayed under the desk. Eventually, The Director came down with an air of great authority and picked up the wire off the floor beside me, plugged it back in and suddenly all the stage was lit up again. Well I didn't know!!!! I thought Owner's Daughter could frown loudly but The Director has got the art mastered to a far greater degree from what I could see of it, although I couldn't see much as I had crept further back behind the table and out of the way. Well I wasn't supposed to be there, so I didn't want to get The Owner into any trouble, The Owner appeared to be in enough of it as it was.