The Owner Needed a Cuddle

I think I may be... well... What is one step down from "un appreciated and in the do-do"? Most of my.... our home, is in boxes ready for the move. And whilst The Owner can still fall asleep anywhere at any time, I, as a sensitive K9 with breeding, find it all a little unsettling. Well, today has been a tad warm at the studio and by tea time The Owner took me to the lakes for a splash around whilst The Owner danced around doing his best to avoid the horse flies. Largely without success if I am honest! We returned to the cottage, via the water trough in the paddock, so by the time we got back I was still quite damp. The kind of damp that still leaves a trail of water on the path behind me where ever I walk. With K9 fed, The Owner poured himself a glass. Of something amber coloured and sat down on the floor to enjoy his drink. Well as I said, I have been feeling a little unsettled. When you feel unsettled you need a cuddle don't you? So I climbed on his lap! I was expecting a negative reaction to be honest but I think he needed a cuddle too. After all his shirt was only very wet on one side. He didn't kick me off either although I am expecting some kind of repercussion at a later date and time. I will keep you informed.

The Owner is Paccking

Owners Daughter arrived this morning along with Diesel Dog Daughter although Diesel Dog was noticeably absent so there was little in the way of demented badger running across the back of the garden and it was too hot anyway. I thought The Owner was going to have a very negative opinion on the whole matter when they started throwing all of his stuff in boxes and taping them shut and then moving the boxes to other places. I found the whole matter very unsettling and kept myself very close to The Owner all day. I did go out with him in Owners Daughters car which was my favourite part of the day. I do cars, but I particularly do cars that The Owner is driving so when we went off to the recycling center I was a particularly happy K9. Me, The Owner, a car and the open road. I had a very good day really, unsettling but good. The Owner caught Owners Daughter with a box and took pictures of her which I clearly didn't find as funny as The Owner did. In fact I didn't understand why he found it so funny. Diesel Dog Daughter was laughing so hard she went a funny colour too!

Just Another Sunday Morning

I love Sunday mornings! Just saying. I wonder if The Owner has got the snorkers under the grill yet? I think I may stay here for a while longer and then go and see if there is any of his breakfast dropped on the floor. There is bound to be some down the front of his shirt but that takes a little more cunning to get to that. I may have another snooze just here first though.

A Very French K9

The Owner and I were sitting lazily in the sunshine in the front porch. I was watching, intently, the hover fly that seemed to be treating my nose in much the same way as perhaps a helicopter would the landing pad on a big ship. I know you’re impressed with my knowledge with such matters but when you sit and watch Quest of an evening with The Owner, there isn't much about a Mighty Ship I don’t know. As for The Owner, well it is always difficult to work out what he is thinking about on such occasions so we just label him as having a lazy vacant moment and leave it at that. There was a big roar from an engine and a cloud of dust as a black car which looked vaguely familiar slid sideways into the lay-by in front of the cottage. I was still debating with myself an appropriate course of action when a door burst open on the car and at great volume, out leapt my mate Vic R. He does most things, I notice, at great volume. As he lumbered up the path past the lavender (yuk and double phew!!) he bellowed with great enthusiasm “Helllllooooooo to yoooooou!”. I was already getting a headache and I suspect that The Owner would soon be developing one too. “Hello” he mumbled in response as he staggered to his feet. “I had better go and put the coffee on then.” Nooooooooooooooo!” replied Vic R, losing none of his exuberance, “I am going to take you to the pub for a beer and a sandwich” The Owner of course immediately lost his tardiness and became very excited at the thought of going to the pub when someone else had offered to pay and we were both soon in Vic R’s car and heading up through the village. When we got to the pub there was clearly some form of K9 interest in the gardens as I could see several lady K9’s flocking around something. We went in to the bar, me on my posh lead obviously, as The Owner and Vic R ordered their drinks and sandwiches. Drinks collected and much cheeriness all round, we wandered out in to the pub gardens to await the food. Have you noticed how I don’t get a sandwich?? Well in the gardens we were also confronted with the object of female K9 interest which demonstrated their fickleness completely. Vic R said to The Owner “What kind of dog is that then?”. The Owner announced with an air of authority that it was apparently a French Mastiff and then said, “He must smell a lot of garlic then”. I have no idea what he meant by that but it must be one of The Owners special jokes as no one else was laughing! I had suspected that it was just The Owner trying to impress, to cover up his lack of knowledge on anything in particular as is normal, until HE spoke! HE was addressing a particularly cute looking young yellow lab which I thought would have gone for my obvious breeding. “ Ma Cherie, you want that I whisper of lurve gently in your ear?”. She immediately went all silly and played up to him, to the embarrassment of her owners, and seemed oblivious to the real star of the show. I even tried to speak to her in a voice which made it obvious that I had breeding. I mentioned Lord Bath a lot, but she was just smitten with this Gallic fool! I went and sat obediently under The Owners chair and glared at HIM a lot and chose to do little else about it. Why??? Have you seen a French Mastiff???? He is twice the size of me!! More like Monkey Dog Thing on steroids really, and I would really like to live to see the next day!

At Diesel Dog Daughter's House

After a less than peaceful night with The Owner, Owner’s Daughter breezed in with a cup of tea for The Owner and a cheery “Morning Jack” for me. I can’t help but wonder which of us got the better deal there! Owners Daughter spent ages in the bathroom getting herself ready to “Meet her public”. I can’t help but wonder what she does in the process as to me, a K9 with breeding, there seems very little difference apart from smelling funny, a bit like those two old ladies from the other end of our village. For myself I can manage with a quick scratch and a lick of my little boys bits and we’re off and running! Breakfast eaten and overnight bags stowed back in Owners Daughter’s car we were off again on our journey. When I say “Breakfast eaten” I really mean I had had my breakfast. The Owner, on the other hand, had declined a dry Ryvita and a bowl of muesli and was grumbling about having had no bacon and eggs for his Sunday breakfast. He was still grumbling about it half way through the afternoon by which time it had changed to grumbling about not having a KFC but it was a grumble he was not letting go of for anyone. After a while of further driving and even more bacon and egg style grumbling we arrived at Diesel Dog’s home. Not that I recognised the house, just what happened. We pulled up outside a house amongst lots of other houses and The Owner got out and stretched his legs and yawned, Owners Daughter did the same, only it was her legs she stretched, not The Owner’s. For my part I opened one eye from my position curled up on the back seat, which was when I noticed something vaguely brown and furry flash through my vision and was gone again. Unsure of what I had seen I opened both eyes and sat up. I again saw a flash of something vaguely brown and furry fly through one open car door and out the other without touching the seats on the way through. It would seem that demented badger running is not something that Diesel Dog reserves for the path across the back of the cottage and he is clearly able to practice the art in a variety of places and situations and straight through Owners Daughters car is one of them. I managed to escape when Diesel Dog was in mid circuit at the farthest point from Owners Daughters car and went in search of a sunny patch up the garden with which I am planning on getting acquainted with during the rest of the day. The Owner, Owners Daughter, Diesel Dog Daughter, Biker Sister and Mechanic all spent ages moving stuff in boxes from room to room, drinking tea, and perspiring profusely, whilst Diesel Dog did a lot of demented badger running through the car, the house and round the garden to do it all again. I am not sure what Diesel Dog Daughter feeds him with but I think she may want to change it for something with a lesser octane rating.

I fear this could be a very long day indeed!

Staying at Owner's Daughter's

After a phone call, from Owners Daughter I gather, which seemed to require much frowning and nodding sagely from The Owner, he concluded the call with the comment “I will prepare an overnight bag for me and Jack”. Surely the right phrase should have been “For Jack and I” but I will let that one pass although I know which order we should be considered in. But I have clearly yet to educate The Owner over my importance and breeding! Now, I was excited and perturbed at this in equal measures. I have absolutely no idea what an overnight bag is or should K9’s (with breeding) have one, as I have never had one before that I am aware of. But also, that I was unsure what exactly it would lead to. I sat and watched as The Owner poured my water out of my dish down the sink and placed the same into a bag along with my food dish and a small plastic box full of my food that the terribly nice lady hoomun from Skinners had sent to me. Although I felt the accompanying comment of “If you want any water for now you will have to help yourself from the dirty pond. But then you’re used to that aren't you, ‘newt breath’?” was just a little insensitive. He proceeded to put a clean shirt and a pair of trousers that had, frankly, seen better days and I was hoping he was not going to wear them anywhere that he might be seen or recognised, into an “Overnight bag”. Although to be honest, as far as I could tell it was exactly the same as every other plastic carrier bag in the drawer which overflows every time it is opened, I have noticed. He poured himself a large glass of wine to “steady himself for the journey” and Owners Daughter arrived to collect him. She was already frowning very loudly before she arrived and unusually it was at neither The Owner nor me, Jack Labrador GD (failed)! She bundled The Owner into her car and propped him up by wedging his “overnight bag” in beside him and I leapt nimbly over the back and into the boot........ why does she insist on filling the boot of her car with canvas paintings? Well I guess that’ll be another job for The Owner and his duct tape later! We arrived at Owners Daughter’s new home and I immediately tidied up the bird table, the cat food dish and one or two other vaguely edible items I discovered on my first patrol of the perimeter. Although I did notice that I was kept well away from the hamsters cage! I also noticed that I could see no blanket for me to lay on! As early evening turned into late evening and the wine bottle became empty Owners Daughter took herself off to bed and threw some blankets in my general direction, I thought. “Ah, good! There’s my bed!” and I clambered on top of them all, which seemed to prompt a less than favourable response from The Owner as he kicked me off “His bed”! The Owner arranged the blankets and pillows on the floor and climbed into them, leaving me to sleep where exactly? That’ll be on the floor then I guess. I was not impressed! The Owner was soon snoring loudly and I was looking for somewhere a little softer to rest my chin and soon happened upon his hand sticking out from under his blanket, so I rested my chin in his hand. Ok, so I may have dribbled into his hand a bit in my sleep. But I could see no justification for his response and, frankly, hurtful comments about “K9 oral incontinence!” He was now awake again and taking the art of fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport again, until he had to give in and go for a wee. Whilst he was gone, I reasoned that he wasn't needing the bed he had made himself on the floor, so I climbed in. Well it seemed a shame to waste it whilst it was still warm! Not wishing to wake Owners Daughter by turning lights on and stuff, he fumbled his way back to his heap of blankets in the dark and climbed back in. It would seem that a K9 fur ball (with breeding and a wet nose) was not what he was expecting to find in his bed and woke the whole of Owners Daughter’s village up as he made it known. It was a long night......

My Visit to The Theatre

The Owner seems intent, of late, to introduce me to some culture that reflects my obvious breeding. So he went along the other night to see a play by some hoomun who writes funny sentences about stuff. For instance, “Shall I compare thee to a summers day?” Well, around here a summers day can be filled with the sound of tractors working well into the night and smells that even I cannot muster emanating from the dairy yard and what lady hoomun would want to be compared to that??

So last night he tidied himself up a little and sprayed himself with stuff which smelled funny and put my posh lead on me and we made for the theatre. I have never been to the theatre before but I had imagined something a little comfier in the seat department somehow and also one with a roof too. At the start some Hoomun with a microphone said with a great air of gravitas and self-importance “Will you all please turn OFF your phones.” This made The Owner smile a lot as he gets very niggley when hoomuns use their phones near him on the train, in the pub, at the village hall, at the café... well pretty much anywhere really. So he was clearly feeling a point had already been made in his favour, but when the lights went down and some fool was running around the stage carrying a skull saying how he once knew him well, in a manner that any sane hoomun would have struggled to follow, a lady hoomun a few seats away started texting. The Owner, of course was in raptures over what the fool was saying which kind of proves my point. The Owner soon began to fidget with irritation at the texting lady hoomun. Another twenty minutes of clickety clack on her screen and stifled chuckles, The Owner was practising fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport. When the lights came on again he went off, full of righteous indignation, to complain to Manager Hoomun, who assured him that something would be done to prevent any more irritation during the second half. The Owner returned to his seat with a righteous smug look about him, clearly he felt a point had been made. Immediately the lights went out the lady hoomun started clickety clacking on her phone screen and it was more than The Owner could bear. “Oi! Your texting is disturbing our enjoyment!” He pretended to ignore someone else shouting “So is your whining!” but was indignant when Lady Hoomun responded with “Well don’t watch me then!” and then returned to her screen. This was not going to end well and I was already looking for a table or a chair to go and hide behind. With an athleticism witnessed only when someone goes to the bar at the pub and The Owner is after a free pint, The Owner launched himself across the tables and in one smooth movement grabbed her phone and threw it across the auditorium as he fell to the floor. As he picked himself up again he was clearly expecting to see nods of approval from all around him for his heroic actions but was instead met with the sight of Security Hoomun looming out of the darkness at the back of the seats with a purposeful look upon his face, intent on removing the cause of the problem..... The Owner. He felt no better when some hoomuns, with a less than charitable frame of mind, started cheering as he was frogmarched to the door! I opted to slide along the floor in another aisle in case anyone connected me with The Owner.

I am guessing that will be the end of my introduction to sophisticated culture for a while. At least until The Owner can find a new theatre to go to that he hasn't been thrown out of.

Maybe I should not try and use his mobile to write my diaries for you either.