My Visit to The Theatre

The Owner seems intent, of late, to introduce me to some culture that reflects my obvious breeding. So he went along the other night to see a play by some hoomun who writes funny sentences about stuff. For instance, “Shall I compare thee to a summers day?” Well, around here a summers day can be filled with the sound of tractors working well into the night and smells that even I cannot muster emanating from the dairy yard and what lady hoomun would want to be compared to that??

So last night he tidied himself up a little and sprayed himself with stuff which smelled funny and put my posh lead on me and we made for the theatre. I have never been to the theatre before but I had imagined something a little comfier in the seat department somehow and also one with a roof too. At the start some Hoomun with a microphone said with a great air of gravitas and self-importance “Will you all please turn OFF your phones.” This made The Owner smile a lot as he gets very niggley when hoomuns use their phones near him on the train, in the pub, at the village hall, at the café... well pretty much anywhere really. So he was clearly feeling a point had already been made in his favour, but when the lights went down and some fool was running around the stage carrying a skull saying how he once knew him well, in a manner that any sane hoomun would have struggled to follow, a lady hoomun a few seats away started texting. The Owner, of course was in raptures over what the fool was saying which kind of proves my point. The Owner soon began to fidget with irritation at the texting lady hoomun. Another twenty minutes of clickety clack on her screen and stifled chuckles, The Owner was practising fidgeting to the level of an extreme sport. When the lights came on again he went off, full of righteous indignation, to complain to Manager Hoomun, who assured him that something would be done to prevent any more irritation during the second half. The Owner returned to his seat with a righteous smug look about him, clearly he felt a point had been made. Immediately the lights went out the lady hoomun started clickety clacking on her phone screen and it was more than The Owner could bear. “Oi! Your texting is disturbing our enjoyment!” He pretended to ignore someone else shouting “So is your whining!” but was indignant when Lady Hoomun responded with “Well don’t watch me then!” and then returned to her screen. This was not going to end well and I was already looking for a table or a chair to go and hide behind. With an athleticism witnessed only when someone goes to the bar at the pub and The Owner is after a free pint, The Owner launched himself across the tables and in one smooth movement grabbed her phone and threw it across the auditorium as he fell to the floor. As he picked himself up again he was clearly expecting to see nods of approval from all around him for his heroic actions but was instead met with the sight of Security Hoomun looming out of the darkness at the back of the seats with a purposeful look upon his face, intent on removing the cause of the problem..... The Owner. He felt no better when some hoomuns, with a less than charitable frame of mind, started cheering as he was frogmarched to the door! I opted to slide along the floor in another aisle in case anyone connected me with The Owner.

I am guessing that will be the end of my introduction to sophisticated culture for a while. At least until The Owner can find a new theatre to go to that he hasn't been thrown out of.

Maybe I should not try and use his mobile to write my diaries for you either.