Stinky Labs

After the last twenty four hours I am developing a somewhat less than charitable opinion of The Owner to be honest and I shall be turning my back on him until, at the earliest, coffee time. Or later, if he doesn't pay a visit to my Bonio bucket! Yesterday we had a visit from one of his friends, she came bearing wine which is always a bad start to any evening.... and a sausage..... which has made The Owner smell funny this morning! This visitor we shall refer to as Lady Black Lab Hoomun. Mainly because she came with Lady Black Lab and I immediately forgot any past allegiance to Lady Chocolate Lab who I haven't seen for some while. Since I wee'd on her Hoomuns hand bag, now I think about it! So The Owner and Lady Black Lab Owner sat in the garden at the new cottage drinking wine, laughing lots and doing hoomun stuff. But, Lady Black Lab smelled reeeeeeaaaaaally good and was remarkably receptive to my advances. I started with a little lick of her ear, well actually it was more of a lot of licking of her ear to be fair and it did get quite soggy. But that seemed to be deserving of a whack across the nose apparently. So I sat down behind The Owner's seat and then slid through on my belly to try again which apparently warranted a flick of the heel in the general direction of my nose again. The tally was roughly two licks to one reprimand so it was generally worth it I think. This morning I was hopeful of a quick patrol of the garden and a lick of the grass where she had been sitting but HE, The Owner, has been reading yesterdays Sunday paper and read another article which used the term "Stinky Labs"!!! After much fidgeting on his part he jumped up and went to the bathroom, I assumed for his morning ablutions. Then came the cry, "Jack, come on. it's bahfies time!" You see what is going on here don't you? He spelled it differently and that created just enough confusion in my mind to be duped into walking into the bathroom and straight into the trap.... which was sprung.... and I had no hope of escape. I'll give him Head and ruddy Shoulders! When I got out of there, covered in suds seeing as you asked, he had whisked away my comfy cushion and my duvet and the washing machine was purring with apparent contempt and I was sure it was grinning at me in a mocking fashion! This all upset my morning so much I forgot to go and have a lick of the grass where Lady Black Lab had been sitting! I will wait for coffee time and see whether he goes to my Bonio bucket before I decide whether to forgive him or not.

My Bad Start to the Morning

I am feeling a little delicate this morning and, as The Owner was part of all of it, I think I will blame him and so I am turning my back on him for the day. 

Early this morning The Owner arose from his pit and grumbled his way down the stairs. He clearly was not thinking, as instead of letting me out and then giving me my breakfast, he rushed to the loo with a certain sense of urgency about him. First came the satisfied sigh of relief as he had his wee and then the now customary singing at full volume "Stand and deliver...." followed by a raucus botty burp with such force it ought to sting. Feeling pleased with his musical and percussive efforts he went to open the back door to let me out. Well, I have needs as well, and I needed them with some urgency too! So with door cracked open enough for the nose to exit, I started my charge. I forgot the door opened inwards and I only managed to squash my nose between the door and the radiator. The Owner was clearly having a good start to his day and was laughing at me and winking in mockery at my squint acquired from the incident. Now the observant among you will have noted that our bathroom is now downstairs in our new cottage, so when The Owner takes himself off for his morning visit, with his newspaper under his arm, I am left outside the bathroom door. Now, in the K9 world you can tell a lot about someone from having a good sniff at what they "leave behind" and it has been very revealing about The Owner I can tell you! If I lay down and stuff my nose against the crack between the door and the floor I can have a good old sniff. But The Owner reckons it puts him off and takes great exception to me sniffing loudly under the door. So this morning he goes in and I begin my loud sniffs under the door. He clearly hadn't started the process and opened the door sharply. Now, not only do I have a squint caused by the door earlier, I also have a tender nose and there are nose skid marks on the floor outside the bathroom. I feel sure he is behind all my discomfort and I will be spending the day with my back to him in protest. Change that, he has gone to my biscuit barrel. I think I quite like him again!

Meet The Owner

This needs no introduction nor explanation from me, I think.

My Very Important Meeting

Yesterday was a very important day for me, I went to a meeting! The Owner came grumbling down the stairs early and then fell over the bottom step as is normal at our new cottage. Then he frowned at me very loudly and even waved his finger a little as he said "Now I want you on your best behaviour today Jack Labrador!" I always know it is serious when he calls me Jack Labrador. "You're coming with me to a meeting and I want no weeing up things, or burping in peoples faces or farting under the tables!". It was said in that manner which lead me to believe that I really ought to do as he asked. He put his very posh jacket on and selected my very posh lead and off we went. When we got to Swindon I kept my head down below the windows and particularly when we got the other side of Swindon as there are some very strange things go on there and they may have given me nightmares to be honest. After a very long way we arrived at this very posh place that had a man in a very silly hat at the front door. He told The Owner to get out of the car.... and that dog!!!!! I can see this is going to go downhill very rapidly with an attitude like that. Then Parking Yoof got in and drove The Owner's car away! I thought The Owner would have an opinion on the matter but he just smiled and turned and we walked inside. The first problem was shiny floors! I kept going over, in my mind, the list of things that The Owner told me I was not allowed to do. Just in case. Then Business Hoomun arrived and he made a fuss of me. Said he was pleased to meet "Someone of Breeding". I put it in quote marks to emphasise the sense of sarcasm that I was detecting in his voice. With coffee in hands, The Owner and Business Hoomun settled down and discussed important sounding things. After a while I got bored as I was unable to get any of the biscuits that were on the plate, so I did a little exploring of the neighbourhood. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a pond, inside! It was a big pond.... with fish in it! Well no one was in the pond so I reasoned I could do no harm so I jumped quietly in. Ok, so I did make a bit bigger splash than I had planned, but the hoomun with the funny hat was in a frightful paddy over something and on my second lap of the pond this big hand grabbed the scruff of my neck and hoisted me out. How undignified! Does he not know that I have breeding???? The Owner seemed less than impressed when he was asked to take "That Dog" and leave. Well, once you can forgive, but to be called "That Dog" twice, is just too much! So I wee'd up the reception desk as we left. I think his meeting must have been over anyway as we got in the car and headed for home, as the Hoomun with the funny hat kept shouting at us in a most uncharitable manner as we left the car park.

I hope we go to another meeting soon as I quite enjoyed the indoor ponds they have in those places!

A Visit to The Ford

I am in very deep doo doo and have been frowned at VERY loudly! 

Owners Daughter came up with Diesel Dog Daughter and their cousin MM Hoomun and we all went out in Owners Daughters car, with The Owner at the helm. It was all going swimmingly. We visited pubs, every one had to get out and push Owners Daughters car up a very steep hill. Except me that is, coz I have breeding and I don't do car pushing... and The Owner of course but that was just coz no one was brave enough to prize him away from the steering wheel. Then we got to a small stream which The Owner announced, in a very knowledgeable manner, that it was something called a Ford. Not sure why as it looked nothing like a car! Then Owners Daughter decided to take her shoes off and wander through the stream and that was where it all went downhill for me really. May I present the attached image as exhibit 1, in my defence. At the far end of the water were hoomuns..... and one of them smelled particularly of Bonio's..... and they looked friendly........and I was sat beside The Owner.......who took this picture. Well who in their right mind would want to go all the way round when you could go straight through?? Exactly! So I went straight through. And I felt that a bit of demented badger running, like I do for The Owner, would help in the process of getting a Bonio from those hoomuns. Well we did manage to dry Owners Daughters jeans out after an hour in the tumble dryer when we got her back to our new cottage. But then she grumbled quite a lot that they didn't fit her any more and that was somehow my fault too. Hoomuns!!!!

The Washing

In the new garden I have discovered a new post. It is a big post in just the right spot for me to wee up and it is close enough to the cottage that I can get a quick squirt to the right height to protect my territory and rush back to get my breakfast before The Owner has had a chance to forget me and not put it down. I came rushing out the other morning, mainly to see where he had gone, only to see him paying far too much attention to the length of string attached to the top of my weeing post. Well the reason I was rushing was that I had a good head of pressure which needed to be relieved a little. So before seeing what The Owner was up to I went straight up to my post and emptied most of the content of my bladder. Feeling much better, I noticed that The Owner was hanging loads of wet washing from the length of string attached to the top of my post. He hasn't noticed yet, but I suspect that he may be wanting to wash his shirts and boxer shorts again before he wears them. I have the strangest feeling that some, well OK, most of the contents of my bladder may not have hit my intended target. The post. Instead it seems to have made landfall on his plastic washing basket... full of wet washing which is now even wetter. I think it smells much better for my little accident but I have the strangest feeling that The Owner might not feel the same way about it. I am going to make myself scarce for a while I think. There is an old rotted tree in the field outside the garden hedge and the sun may be upon it by now.

Dingly Dell

At the top of our new garden there is a small patch of woods that The Owner keeps referring to as Dingly Dell. It backs on to the cricket pitch for your reference. The Owner had been overheard telling his hoomun friends how there is a stream running through Dingly Dell, so yesterday morning I decided that I would patrol Dingly Dell to see how good the stream was. Well, imagine my disappointment when I found that the stream had in fact succumbed to the recent lack of rainfall and gone the same way as the pond and dried out. However, I also noticed that if you really put your back into it and dig hard, you can find water, well mud really, about the depth of two Bonio boxes down. I kept digging to see if there was any real water down there and was really pleased to be able to report to The Owner that about three Bonio boxes down you do in fact find water. He will be pleased I thought as I ran back up through the garden and in to the kitchen to where he was putting away his best bone china. I found that my muddy paws were a little hard to control on the new white tiled floors in the kitchen at the new cottage and I did a little slither as I entered. Well ok, it was a bit more than a little slither if I am honest. More of a full on slide leaving a muddy skid mark all the way across the floor. Well they are tiles aren't they!!? That’s what tiles are for, washing! And I am sure he can get another bit of china to complete the set. Oh how I wish I had found his green felt tip pen too! The turmoil across his face as he really wanted to get the hosepipe out and the yard broom but he had no idea where to find it! We don’t appear to have got a boot room either now. I sleep in a sort of lobby with no door so I can still get into the rest of the house. I think I am liking this new cottage a lot!