Yesterday The Owner borrowed a posh car. I have no idea whose car it was but it was a very posh one. When he opened the back door to let me in to it he was waving a very cautionary finger at me saying "Now YOU had better behave yourself in there!" in tones that gave you the feeling that it would be a very foolish K9 indeed who did anything experimental in it. Then came the list; "No burping, farting, following through, weeing, dropping hair or licking windows! Ok?!?!?" Well there was more to the list to be honest but I stopped listening at that point. It ended only when he ran out of breath and then took in a sharp intake of breath and finished with "And breathing on the windows!". Well what was left to do??? I sat down very carefully on the shiny leather seats as I tried to memorise the list as we started our journey. Well I kept perfectly still trying not to do anything that I had been warned about as we drove up through the village and The Owner did his best to make sure that as many people as possible saw him driving this very posh car. I also noticed that this very posh car was also very quick and liked to let everyone know about it too! When we got to the bend at the far end of the village The Owner threw this very posh car round the corner with a deft flick of the steering wheel. Well I did check but I am glad to report that leaving claw marks right across the leather seats was not in the list of things I was not allowed to do. Although I am suspecting that may just have been an omission on The Owners part as when we got to the end of our journey, which was at Diesel Dog Daughter's house, and The Owner opened the door to let me out, he did groan rather a lot. Well I am not the one who was throwing this very posh car around like one of the very fast and very noisy cars that race right back the where they started from. Only we didn't, obviously, as we were at Diesel Dog Daughters now so we had got somewhere. With the front door opened just a crack a blur of brown fur shot through to commence the usual round of demented badger running until The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter managed to corral Diesel Dog and usher him into the back garden. Diesel Dog Daughter has bought herself a rabbit it would seem, which I noticed straight away. I thought it was nice of her as it can sometimes get a bit boring bringing back the same green canvas dummy throw. It will be nice to have a bit of live stuff to retrieve I thought. Well, we didn't get that far! Rabbit moved in his hutch! Diesel Dog was spooked! And shot back indoors at an alarming pace! Well I think the door frame may be needing some of The Owners special duct tape soon. I wandered back in through the open back door, mainly because it is now incapable of closing again after Diesel Dog went through it, and found Diesel Dog hiding behind the Christmas Tree. There was something very strange about his eyes for the rest of the evening as he peered out from behind the tree checking that the big nasty rabbit wasn't coming to get him. Today The Owner is outside with a tin of shoe polish trying to get the claw marks out of the leather seats only by now he has had time to forget that it was his fault for throwing the car around a bit too much last night and he is now frowning in my direction very loudly. I think I may have a chomp on some of the biscuits that were left in doors for me over night last night instead. Just until he has forgotten about the claw marks or he has remembered who caused them. Whichever comes the soonest.
Those of a UK West Country disposition may have noticed that yesterday was a trifle inclement. So inclement in fact, that the stream was running well, Dingly Dell was awash and the pond was full too! For that matter, the road had also become part of the pond, the ditches and the stream too! So inclement was it that a quick dash out to the mail box on the wall by the front door to retrieve letters caused a great deal of grumbling from The Owner, to about 7 on the Richter scale.... and a change of clothes. The Owner spent much of the morning looking out of the window at the gloomy scene and sighing a lot. Such was the nature of our morning here at the cottage. After a copious lunch for The Owner of several rounds of sandwiches containing, variously, ham, chicken, bacon and cheese, justified as "using up all the odds and ends" with just the one cherry tomato as a nod towards healthy living, Owners Mate Hoomun arrived. Had I mentioned that although The Owner enjoyed a feast worthy of a Tudor King in the name of using up the odds and ends, I had just the one broken Bonio and a half chewed Markie that Mouse had missed?
After much discussion between The Owner and Owner's Mate Hoomun, The Owner announced that "We'd better let Jack out to do what's good for him before we let him in your car!" I wasn't sure I liked the inferences there! Nevertheless, off I went trying my best to avoid raindrops and puddles to do "What's best for me!", It was then I happened to notice that Dingly Dell was flowing nicely, so I chose to follow it and see where it went. Purely to understand better local topography and hydrology, you understand. It was then that I discovered exactly how full the pond was.After a while of splashing around in the pond, investigating, The Owner discovered exactly where I had gone. How do hoomuns just KNOW these things????
I also discovered the true correlation between between being up to your neck in trouble and up to your neck in the pond and it was not pleasant I have to report!
The Owner then found every reason imaginable why I would not be allowed to get in Owners Mates car and quite a few you couldn't imagine too! So I was banished from Owner's Mate's car and left at home in the cottage whilst they went shopping. He seems to have drawn some ill conceived conclusions too by connecting the soggy cushions on his sofa and my apparent dryness when they returned. Hoomuns! Pah!
Yesterday evening was a bit stormy here as we walked home. There were little rivers of water running past the studio door when we left. It was dark already and I sometimes wonder about The Owner... well ok, so I, along with half the population of Wiltshire wonder about The Owner (the other half have clearly not met him yet). He turned off the heating in the studio and then the lighting and THEN fumbles for his keys. Then came the start of a downward spiral of the journey home, first foot out of the door went straight into the river running past. There was much mumbling about wet feet and stuff as we started our journey home. I swear that on such journeys he closes his eyes or switches them off or something. Can hoomuns switch their eyes off? As we neared the edge of the road at the end of the farm track, a journey of all of ten yards, he encountered the first obstacle. The farm wheelie bin had taken to laying on its side across the track, either that or it was blown over by the wind. The Owner clearly still had his eyes switched off as he fell straight over the top of it! A sorry picture he made, sat in the middle of the track with the little river running either side of him and the lid on the wheelie bin at such an angle I felt sure it was laughing at him.. The journey home was little better with two cars driving through the puddle right in front of him. I don't mind them doing it to him but they got to me too and I was beginning to have a certain amount of sympathy with him to be honest. I kept a respectful distance until we got to our front gate when I decided a quick hop across the ditch, up the side of the hedge and a nimble jump across the stream and onto the lawn would be best. Well, as we approached the gate I noticed that the four wheelie bins from the cottage and our neighbours had also had a bit of a falling out with the wind, or perhaps just fell over. Which The Owner did too because he still had his eyes turned off. By the time The Owner had extricated himself from the tangle of bins by the gate I was already sat by the back door with the security light on for him. He arrived with water running from his trouser pockets, his Barbour jacket was proving just how waterproof it was by not letting the water, which had got in his pockets whilst he was sat in the puddles, back out. It did escape of course when he stuck his hand in his pockets to look for his keys and his phone. I think I have just invented the theory of displacement. I will spend my evening trying not to do anything to incur the wrath which was undoubtedly building inside him I thought.
By this morning the weather was feeling much better and appeared to be quite chipper. The sun was out and the garden was a scene of devastation. The tins from the recycles box were all across the path and the newspapers were stuck to everything like a coat of paper mache. With some poster paints we could have made a full scale model of the cottage! He was in a right old tizzy about it all and I thought he would cheer him up. But what to do? Then the plan hit upon me! When he went back in for his second cup of tea and presumably to get some more poster paints I went up the garden. I had seen him up there at the weekend burying a load of old potatoes. Now when I manage to bury stuff that I want, I am always so pleased when The Owner digs them up for me. So I dug them all up and took them back to the cottage and left them all by the back door. The Owner will be pleased, I thought. It may cheer him up a little when he comes out of the back out again.
I think he may be sickening for something, he seemed to frown a great deal when he came out of the back door!
Well, what a busy day I have had! Of course The Owner isn't talking to me but that is quite normal. He isn't speaking to Diesel Dog Daughter either for drying Diesel Dog with hair dryer after he had a bath. I am undecided at the moment as to whether I am speaking to Diesel Dog for appearing to enjoy the whole bath thing. The Owner was up and dressed remarkably early this morning, for a Saturday and was preparing a bag. Now I like it when he prepares a bag as it means we are going somewhere, and I like going somewhere. Unless it is to the other side of Swindon obviously. Well we started out on our journey and I was hopeful of a windscreen or two to lick and I was resolute that I would ignore The Owner having a bit of a hissy fit and moaning about having to clean them before he takes the car back. After quite a journey and when the only glass which hadn't had the benefits of the attentions of my tongue was The Owners door and his half of the windscreen and his door window, (I had been round the rest and my tongue now does feel a bit funny) we arrived at Diesel Dog Daughters. How did I know it was Diesel Dog Daughters house? Well there was a curtain in the front window which appeared to be having a lot to say about everything and when the front door opened a large brown fur ball came out at great speed and volume. It appeared to have a hoomun arm hanging on to it which after a while appeared to be connected in some way to Diesel Dog Daughter as the furball careered around the garden doing his very best demented badger running. It was a damp and windy day down there so come lunch time The Owner announced that we were all going to go for a KFC down by the sea. Diesel Dog was starting to quieten down until he heard that and then commenced phase two of the demented badger running around the living room carpet. The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter managed to corral Diesel Dog into the car which prompted much further excitement and at least proved one thing, which I thought impossible, can actually be done. Demented Badger Running in the boot of The Owners car by a dog the size of Diesel Dog is possible, although I still am at a loss as to how exactly. So off to the sea we went and by which time the damp had turned to rain. We parked the car outside the KFC shop which prompted more demented badger running in a confined space in the back. Diesel Dog Daughter managed to get The Owner back out of the shop without any arguments with the staff although I could see one brewing when The Owner started to complain about the contents of the box not looking anything like the pictures on the wall and as he was building the pace of his rant Diesel Dog Daughter grabbed the bag quick and swept him out of the door in a manner that he really wasn't aware of what happened until it was all too late and he was outside the door. I got the impression she had done that to him before!
We arrived at the beach and found an empty carpark with just one other car in it which The Owner immediately started grumbling about. They weren't parked in a proper bay apparently! With the excitement building to a crescendo of cataclysmic proportions in the back the hoomuns opened the doors and let us do our own thing along the small beach and around the car park. Which was predictably at high octane levels. Into the sea, along the beach, roll in the sand, into the sea again, more rolling in the sand. You get the picture. I was getting worn out at just watching him!! The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter were sat in the dry, stuffing their faces and neglecting to throw any scraps my way.
It was at that point that another car came in to the car park and stopped over the other side of the car park. It was a very posh car which seemed to have a lot of leather inside and kept its lights on all the time so it must have been important. Its two hoomuns got out and left their doors open and went round the back to make some tea on a little stove they had in the back. Diesel Dog took off for the car with the open doors and I followed at a more sedate pace to reflect my obvious breeding. A very wet and sandy GSD made it first and went straight in one door and out the other and was on his way through for the second time when I got there. He went straight out on his second time through, but I, being a bit more canny, sat down on the passenger seat and tried to shake some of the sand and sea water out of my coat and Diesel Dog stopped, briefly, to shake himself a little in the drivers seat before getting out again and wandering off back to The Owner's car. It was at this point that Posh Car Hoomun and Posh Car Lady Hoomun returned with their mugs of hot tea nd they seemed less than pleased to see me to be honest.
The Owner was summoned and Diesel Dog and Diesel Dog Daughter hid behind his car and appeared to be laughing. The Owner, on the other hand, appeared not to be laughing as he was chastised soundly by Posh Car Hoomun and mumbled something about "I will stop it out of his pocket money." Well I don't get any pocket money!!!!
It was a quiet drive back to Diesel Dog Daughters house broken only by her stifled giggles. Even Diesel Dog seemed to understand the gravitas required for an occasion such as this when Jack Labrador GD (failed) is in the doo doo again. We are home now and I am anticipating a very quiet evening to be honest. But I still don't understand why that was all my fault??
The Owner has been busy! I know that happens rarely and in itself would be worthy of comment but he has been to the garden machine shop and emerged with several strange looking devices under his arm and Shop Yoof Hoomun pushing a strange machine on wheels. All were loaded in to the boot of the car and Shop Manager came out to wave us off. His words as we left struck a chord of knowing within me. "You'll let us know which leaf blower you want to buy when you have tried them?" The Owner responded with a cheery wave as we drove out and responded "I'll be in touch when I have tried them all!" We did this last year too as I remember it. Take half a dozen leaf blowers and charge around the garden in a frenzy and then take them all back and say you have changed your mind and none of them came up to scratch. He of course had a row with Shop Manager Hoomun on that occasion and so this year it is a different shop. There will now follow two days of frenetic activity in the autumn leave department. Of course, this now means heaps of leaves. And what do we do with heaps of leaves? We run through them!!!!! He gets very cross with me of course but I am afraid it is worth it. It is definitely worth it!!!! I just need to get that done before he gets to the big one on wheels as that seems to come with a big bag to blow them into. Oh how I love days like these.
After last nights little incident when The Owner was on his hands and knees behind the door I have done my best to behave in case he puts two and two together and works out my involvement in his misfortune. He finished his washing of the floor with what looked suspiciously like car wash and wax to me and our world settled down into our usual rhythm for the evening. This morning was one of those mornings when I was unusually desperate for a wee when he came grumbling down the stairs. Normally all that is required is a quick wee up the bush just outside the back door and a quick sidestep to avoid The Owner's shoe as he hurls it from the back door because he thinks I ought not to be weeing on a bush so close to the door. Then rush back indoors and bounce around a lot whilst he puts my food in my dish. This morning a little more was required and so I ventured a little further into the garden and had a proper wee. This unfortunately gave The Owner time to get bored waiting for my return and so he threw the contents of my measuring beaker into my food dish. My food dish, being stainless steel, has a certain ring about it when my dried food lands in it. This sound carries quite a way, so I could hear it up the garden where I was gainfully employed in weeing on the clothes prop. The excitement was building, but I couldn't stop in mid flow could I? So as soon as the pressure was relieved enough to be bearable I commenced my charge. Across the lawn... past the raspberry canes..... round the tree... easing off the accelerator enough to check that the back door was open this time and unencumbered by The Owner washing the floors and then full throttle for the back door. Yay! Through the door.... it was here where it all went horribly wrong for me. I was right in my assumption, it was car shampoo and wax he had been using on the floors last night. Waxed floors do not work well with K9 duvet beds and K9's at high speed! Well I missed my food dish as I went straight past it sliding on my duvet in a kind of Aladdinesque moment. The Owner seemed somewhat surprised too as he stood there putting some tea in the pot and caught sight of me whizzing past in a very undignified manner. I have noticed that when they do this kind of thing in the films it always looks very controlled and cool. However real life seems something of a bitch when it comes to looking cool as I slid behind the fridge and out of sight. The Owner was his usual epitome of sympathy and understanding and without looking up just said "While you're behind there Jack can you check for cobwebs?" I recovered my composure, removed the cobweb from my nose and made my way back to look for my breakfast. I will be in the new calf sheds if anyone want me!!!
I am loving this karma thing! I often work hard to achieve just a little retribution for some of The Owners unkinder acts or comments and yet karma seems to do it for me and I don't get the blame! Well....... not as much as I could have done anyway. Today I have discovered that The Owner has been having a bit of a laugh at my expense all these years and I was a tad miffed to be honest. It seems that calling me Jack Labrador GD(failed) is not a mark of merit, but rather, one of The Owner's twisted jokes at my expense which I have unwittingly encouraged. I have spent the late afternoon wishing his leg would fall off as I plotted my revenge. We left the studio and wandered home relatively grumble free for The Owner. Just a few grumbles about potholes in the road, inconsiderate drivers, noisy tractors on the fields and the cost of turkey at Sainsbugs. Actually now I see it written down it was just a normal grumbly journey. As dinner was imminent I shelved my plans for retribution until later. When we got back to the cottage The Owner fed me which was nice and I had really forgotten about getting my own back as he opened the back door to let me go for a quick patrol of the perimeter. By the time I return normally he is busying himself lighting the fire so I was undeterred when the door was pushed a little bit shut. Although to be honest it is normally wide open to welcome me back in, but tonight I thought nothing of it as I hurtled onwards towards the partly closed door. At the last moment I launched with my front paws outstretched and hit the back door open..... although it didn't give way in quite the manner I had anticipated. In fact, it barely gave way at all to be honest and I felt a fairly large bump on the other side of the door as it clearly had met an unmovable object........The Owner! Well how was I to know he had decided to wash the floors behind the door this evening. I mean, he isn't due to do that for another six months!! I returned to the garden for a while and by the time he picked himself up and looked out I was nowhere to be seen so he has blamed the wind for his misfortune which is fine by me. When I felt it safe to return he was on the phone to NHS Direct trying to get treatment for a "skull compression injury" that he hasn't got! I suspect he must be on a list of malingerers or something as she was having none of it from what I could make out, although he has threatened to take this up with "The highest possible authority". If I was his MP I would keep a low profile tomorrow. He tried Buckingham Palace the last time and was politely but firmly told that Her Majesty didn't do that sort of thing. Still, I think I may have got away with it.... for now. Karma rocks!!!
