Well yesterday we had the brightest of Wiltshire Constabulary combing the village and asking all kinds of incisive questions. Most of them were ridiculous and some were very insulting towards The Owner and I had to have an opinion on the matter.
One Police Hoomun had to go and requisition a new pair of boots from their stores after I wee'd up them after I was forbidden from giving him a quick nip for a particularly disparaging comment about The Owner. Later they called in Police Dog (Hello! Nearly three weeks after The Owner disappeared?) who rushed about full of self importance barking a lot, until he slipped his collar and then we had a good game of chase around the cricket pitch much to Dog Handler Hoomun's distress. At one point he was so red in the face as he was bellowing at Police Dog I thought he was going to explode. It was a good game but I suspect he may be sent to his boot room when he gets home. Today they have issued the result of their extensive enquiries, "The Owner is missing". Well that has cleared up any doubt then. We can all rest a lot easier on our Cozy Cushions now then can't we. I think I may need to extend the range of my patrols a little in search of clues as to his whereabouts. Has anyone seen The Owner?
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Police Hoomuns are in the Village
There have been Police Hoomuns all up and down the village today asking all kinds of questions about The Owner and I have to say I am not particularly impressed with the kind of questions some of them were asking and even less so with some of the answers that were being given! I have made notes, expect reprisals!
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
They came and called at the manor this afternoon and asked Manor Hoomun several inappropriate questions whilst stood right beside me. "Has he exhibited any strange behaviour before?" His whole life has been one long episode of strange behaviour but that's not for them to say and I was about to give them a swift nip for their cheek when Manor Hoomun waved a cautionary finger at me. He is already becoming far too knowledgeable of my ways, I may have to throw the odd spanner in the works to unsettle him from time to time. When Police Hoomun suggested that maybe The Owner might not have been of sound mind it was just too much and I just had to do something. Nipping him on the butt was already forbidden by Manor Hoomun so I watered his rather large boots; no one had forbidden me from weeing on him had they? I had to empty most of my bladder before it soaked through but I felt a point had been made.
The Maze
Sorry for my absence for most of the day yesterday, it was an enforced one over which I had little control. I now realise that Old Reg the Paper Boy is also the one responsible for cutting the hedges in the Manor. Until now I had only ever been aware of the noise of the hedge cutter at this time of the year and not who was behind it, my view being blocked by a hedge twelve feet high.
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
Down the bottom end of the gardens is a big patch of hedging in the middle of the lawn, which I now understand to be called a maze. Inside it somewhere, making a great deal of noise was Old Reg the Paper Boy and his hedge trimmer. On my morning patrol I thought I would venture in to see if he needed a hand with anything. Well ok, my main motive was that I know he doesn't have any teeth and so I reasoned there may well be the odd crust when it came to sandwich time. So fearlessly, (only because I had no idea of what lay in front of me) I ventured in. Well I never found Old Reg the Paper Boy, nor his sandwiches for that matter. Neither did I find my way back out, not until Manor Hoomun came looking for me as the sun was starting to set and I thought I was in for a long cold and lonely night stuck in the maze. As I walked back across the lawns with Manor Hoomun he was chatting politely about how bright the harvest moon was. Bloody Harvest Moon! Bloody Maze! Bloody sandwiches! Bloody Old Reg the Paper Boy! Bloody Everything! I'll be in the boot room in the cottage if anyone wants me!
The Ming Vases
I was up early this morning, anxious to make amends for the misunderstanding at Lilly's pond last night. Another reason is that I couldn't sleep for the taste of pond water in my mouth! However, my morning patrol of the farm and surrounding areas went well and I came back more than a little damp from the heavy dew.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
I went and sat by the main door into The Manor and awaited Manor Hoomun or Lady Manor Hoomun, whichever was the first to rise. It was a very pleasant hour sat in the early morning sunshine, steaming gently as I dried. My thoughts were mainly with The Owner, trying to work out why he had gone off like that and where he was now. He didn't even have a jacket on when he left! I was snapped back out of my little world of thought as I heard Lady Manor Hoomun descend the main staircase inside and open the door with a cheery "Good Morning Jack, do you wnat your breakfast?" Some people ask the silliest of questions, but eager to offset any negativity for dunking Manor Hoomun in Lilly's pond last night I scuttled inside in a very excited fashion. Doh! The polished wooden floors! I forgot them again! A major slide across the large hallway leaving claw marks in the polish as I went, saw the ancestral aspidistra take another dive and two old Chinese looking vases which apparently belonged to Ming were only slightly broken in half as well. Not sure what all the fuss was about, they were old anyway and The Owner bought one just like it for a tenner from B&Q. There was also another little vase looking thing which went down as well and smashed into loads of bits. You should have seen the amount of dust and stuff which came out of that one! Lady Maner Hoomun seemed particularly upset about this one and kept calling it Uncle Eric, strange kind of a name to give a vase if you want my opinion! I get the feeling that I have been banned from that part of the house.
Lilly's Pond
Harrumph! I am back in the boot room at the cottage tonight, I thought it best! I had been fed - in The Manor. You notice how I capitlise the name just to add an air of gravitas. So having been fed, I went for a leisurely patrol of the gardens so as not to arouse suspicions over my suspicions about the pond water showing up in the concrete pond at the far end of the gardens.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
Manor Hoomun was down there when I arrived and I could hear him talking to no-one in particular (much like The Owner did) about Lilly looking good as he prodded about at the edge of the concrete pond. I'm not sure who Lilly is yet but he clearly had an affection for her. Unaware of who the other wild residents of the gardens are yet, I crept closer and managed to disturbed Hen Fesant who made a frightful row and scared me half to death and so I ran, mainly in panic. Next thing I knew I was floundering around in the concrete pond which I now understand to be Lillies and I appear to have got the blame for taking Manor Hoomun with me. He was spluttering loudly as he climbed out in a very exaggerated fashion with pond weed draped over his shoulder and a pretty pink flower perched delicately on his head. Never mind that, I was covered in mud as well, although I was clearly going to get no sympathy at all. So I opted to take myself back to the cottage to my proper boot room after having first stopped to collect my duvet from The Manor and drag it back with me. Has anyone seen The Owner? Life was never this complicated before he went. Perhaps it was the badger's poo.
The Dirty Concrete Pond
The Owner has still not come back and I begin to wonder if it was just one too many of my unusual smells or something. Now that I am a part time resident at The Manor I feel a little more able to include the grounds in my patrols of the farm and I have something rather interesting to report.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
Over the back end of the gardens, near the marsh that The Owner was always at great pains to keep me away from I have found a big concrete lined pond...... full of dirty water! Now, I have a dilemma! Is my new part time host really the pond water thief? Has he really been taking it from the pond all along and not as I had reported been due to Tanker Driver Hoomun? I need to watch this very carefully but without making my suspicions public until I can be sure.
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