This morning was a much more peaceful and ordered process as I awoke. A gentle buzz of birdlife in the distant background and definitely without the assault on the senses which brought me back from the world of slumber yesterday. Let me explain, and I must point out that no animals were hurt in the making of this story.
We got back yesterday afternoon from the office - sorry, studio - in daylight, which has been something I am not used to through the winter, but suddenly he is coming home an hour earlier at night. Being still daylight I felt a daylight patrol of the grounds was in order. Twas at that point I saw him, my morning nemesis! I had heard him shouting as we came through the gate, "Hoomuns are coming hoomuns are coming, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, dog, hoomns are coming hoomuns are coming, dog, dog, dog, etc. But he had clearly forgotten about me and was busy rooting through some dried leaves looking for heaven knows what when I came upon him behind the shed. Very intent upon his mission he had no idea of my presence as I crept closer and closer. When I was only the length of a box of Bonios away from him I summoned my deepest and loudest woof which had a very profound effect and he dropped last nights worms and other stuff out of his bottom where he stood and took off across the hedge and the manor gardens with a loud "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH, its a dog its a dog its a dog, dog dog dog dog as he disappeared into the distance towards where Adge the Badge lives. If he tries to keep Adge the Badge awake with his early morning shinanegins I suspect he also may have an opinion on the matter too. I must confer with him later to see if he got woken up from his hibernation by Blackbird's infernal row.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Bloody Dawn Bloody Chorus!
Well spring has finally arrived! How do I know this? Could it be the blossom? No, can't see that for The Owner's big head as he goes around sniffing at it. Could it be the cows out in the field for the first time? No, that's not it! Could it be the daffs in the woods at the top of the garden? No, managed to wee on them already!
Done guessing? Well I'll tell you! It was that damned blackbird shouting and hollering from the top of the hedge at the back, just outside the boot room door from about half four this morning! Now I speak a bit of blackbird, being the educated well bred sort of a K9 that I am. The Owner came down stairs (after I'd already had two hours of 'Oh what a beautiful morning' in blackbird), and put the kettle on. That's when it changed to "There's hoomuns, there's hoomuns! Ooooooooh there's hoomuns!". When I burst forth in desperation from the back door to have the first wee of the morning it changed to Aaaarrrghhh there's a dog, there's a dog, there's a dog, aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! there's a dog there's a dog etc. as he disappeared over the old tennis courts (i have more to report on them later). Oh yes, be warned. The Owner has a new phone...... with a super duper camera on it. At the moment, all is safe as he can't work out how to use it. He has several pictures of his big toe and other parts of his anatomy too distressing to mention without sedation but he has no idea how he took them. It will only be a matter of time I suspect!
Done guessing? Well I'll tell you! It was that damned blackbird shouting and hollering from the top of the hedge at the back, just outside the boot room door from about half four this morning! Now I speak a bit of blackbird, being the educated well bred sort of a K9 that I am. The Owner came down stairs (after I'd already had two hours of 'Oh what a beautiful morning' in blackbird), and put the kettle on. That's when it changed to "There's hoomuns, there's hoomuns! Ooooooooh there's hoomuns!". When I burst forth in desperation from the back door to have the first wee of the morning it changed to Aaaarrrghhh there's a dog, there's a dog, there's a dog, aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! there's a dog there's a dog etc. as he disappeared over the old tennis courts (i have more to report on them later). Oh yes, be warned. The Owner has a new phone...... with a super duper camera on it. At the moment, all is safe as he can't work out how to use it. He has several pictures of his big toe and other parts of his anatomy too distressing to mention without sedation but he has no idea how he took them. It will only be a matter of time I suspect!
Friday, 25 March 2011
Mice and Ducks
Yesterday was a traumatic day for me and I felt I needed to leave it until after dark before I patrolled anywhere! We left the cottage to walk to work and The Owner predictably starts sniffing at flowers and taking yukkie pictures of blossom and other cissy stuff like that.
I had a quick look around the pond in case there were any ducks that required me to put them in their place but they had obviously learned their lesson the last time. Now, you will remember that my Bonio bucket has been empty and devoid of anything edible for a couple of days, well as we left the cottage The Owner gave me a carrot to carry, strange choice I thought but I will try anything once and I began to imagine what carrot would be like and whether I should change my allegiance to carrots as the snack of choice. Well it was a bit of a dribble fueled wander down the road carrying my mid morning snack and I now see why The Owner always puts his sandwich in a little plastic bag for the journey. We got to where the grandkids of Manor Hoomun keep their little pony, which frankly is little bigger than me and needs to grow a bit more before he can really call himself a horse at all in my opinion, when The Owner whips the carrot out of my grasp and gives it to the horse!!! I think you can safely expect reprisals for pinching my lunch! The Owner opens the office (which he has recently taken to referring to as his studio) door and I make a beeline for my Bonio bucket in case some have arrived over night. Well they might have done!!! But there, in the corner of the bucket, which was round so didn't have corners, was not one but two mice eating the crumbs from MY Bonios!!!! Well I was so traumatised by the event I had to go and have a snooze in the sun by the door. In that half awake state that I like to spend most of my days, I was enjoying the warmth of the sun and dreaming of woofing and barking and stuff when I became aware of ducks quacking. I thought it may have been part of my dream but I checked around in there and couldn't find a duck so opened one eye. Imagine my shock and terror! There on the door step, not a foot away, were two ducks looking at me. One of them even pooped on the door mat! When I tried that once when it was raining and I didn't want to get too wet I got into a right old row. Well today he can carry his own damn carrot!!!!!
I had a quick look around the pond in case there were any ducks that required me to put them in their place but they had obviously learned their lesson the last time. Now, you will remember that my Bonio bucket has been empty and devoid of anything edible for a couple of days, well as we left the cottage The Owner gave me a carrot to carry, strange choice I thought but I will try anything once and I began to imagine what carrot would be like and whether I should change my allegiance to carrots as the snack of choice. Well it was a bit of a dribble fueled wander down the road carrying my mid morning snack and I now see why The Owner always puts his sandwich in a little plastic bag for the journey. We got to where the grandkids of Manor Hoomun keep their little pony, which frankly is little bigger than me and needs to grow a bit more before he can really call himself a horse at all in my opinion, when The Owner whips the carrot out of my grasp and gives it to the horse!!! I think you can safely expect reprisals for pinching my lunch! The Owner opens the office (which he has recently taken to referring to as his studio) door and I make a beeline for my Bonio bucket in case some have arrived over night. Well they might have done!!! But there, in the corner of the bucket, which was round so didn't have corners, was not one but two mice eating the crumbs from MY Bonios!!!! Well I was so traumatised by the event I had to go and have a snooze in the sun by the door. In that half awake state that I like to spend most of my days, I was enjoying the warmth of the sun and dreaming of woofing and barking and stuff when I became aware of ducks quacking. I thought it may have been part of my dream but I checked around in there and couldn't find a duck so opened one eye. Imagine my shock and terror! There on the door step, not a foot away, were two ducks looking at me. One of them even pooped on the door mat! When I tried that once when it was raining and I didn't want to get too wet I got into a right old row. Well today he can carry his own damn carrot!!!!!
Sunday, 20 March 2011
The Roses Buds are Breaking!
I have much on my mind this morning but it started yesterday really. As I predicted, a bill for the car valet turned up in the post yesterday morning which The Owner, also predictably, felt the urge to challenge. There then followed the first return to his old grumpy self that I have witnessed since his return from the hospital.
He opened the brown envelope and then went through a routine that I haven't seen for a while of holding his head in his hands and shouting to anyone close enough to hear, "How Much?!". Also predictably was the speed and ferocity with which he dialed the number of the garage which sells very fast and very noisy cars and demanded to speak with Slippery Salesman. There then followed an argument with many good points, forcefully put and ended with The Owner saying that he would never buy another car from them. I don't like to dispel any false impressions but that kind of implies that he had bought one before doesn't it? Then this morning, having had his breakfast he wanders outside and notices that the rose on the front of the cottage has started to open its buds. He spent the next hour hanging out of the bedroom window admiring "The wonders of nature". Then on the wander down the lane to the office we passed the pond and there....floating around.....looking far too at home....were two ducks! Now you will recall from last time that I am having a pretty dim view of ducks of late after the humiliation I suffered at the hands of a group of them in front of Lady Chocolate Lab so I launched forth, into the pond and brought one of the little varmints back to The Owner. I'll give it quack quack quack! The Owner gave me a bit of a stare which seemed to imply he was less than pleased with me. Well the duck was alright when I let go.......eventually!
He opened the brown envelope and then went through a routine that I haven't seen for a while of holding his head in his hands and shouting to anyone close enough to hear, "How Much?!". Also predictably was the speed and ferocity with which he dialed the number of the garage which sells very fast and very noisy cars and demanded to speak with Slippery Salesman. There then followed an argument with many good points, forcefully put and ended with The Owner saying that he would never buy another car from them. I don't like to dispel any false impressions but that kind of implies that he had bought one before doesn't it? Then this morning, having had his breakfast he wanders outside and notices that the rose on the front of the cottage has started to open its buds. He spent the next hour hanging out of the bedroom window admiring "The wonders of nature". Then on the wander down the lane to the office we passed the pond and there....floating around.....looking far too at home....were two ducks! Now you will recall from last time that I am having a pretty dim view of ducks of late after the humiliation I suffered at the hands of a group of them in front of Lady Chocolate Lab so I launched forth, into the pond and brought one of the little varmints back to The Owner. I'll give it quack quack quack! The Owner gave me a bit of a stare which seemed to imply he was less than pleased with me. Well the duck was alright when I let go.......eventually!
Friday, 18 March 2011
The Ducks
There are times when one is grateful that there are no cameras around and yesterday was one of them. The Owner decided to tell Slimey Salesman at the garage where they sell the very loud cars that go very fast that he was going to buy one of them. He was paying far too much attention to the one without a back seat for my liking but he went out in a big black one that was very high and had big wheels.
It still went very fast and was very loud but he told them he liked it so much that they told him he could have it for a day, so he would really like it. When we took it back there were loads of snotty nose marks all over the rear screen from me, left because he kept pulling away so fast and laughing out loud at my predicament in the back with my face pressed against the glass. In fact all of me was pressed against the glass as I recall!! He went and got Lady Chocolate Lab Owner and Lady Chocolate Lab to show off to them. So now there are two of us in the back getting pressed against the glass at the back. On one occasion I was already against the glass when he pulled away and Lady Chocolate Lab got pressed against me which I found a terrible affront but then realised it was actually quite pleasant! In this journey of torture we finished up at the pub near the river where I do my best to get all the rocks out of the bottom of it. I was busy trying to demonstrate my prowess at retrieving rocks from the bottom of rivers to Lady Chocolate Lab with a particularly stubborn house brick when I became aware of lots of laughter coming from the river bank and most of it did appear to be aimed at me! When I put my head above water to get a breath of air I saw what they were laughing about. Six ducks...... all in a circle..........round me............watching!!! Oh the shame of it!!!!!!!!!! I climbed back in the big black noisy car that goes very fast and shook myself off in there, with the laughter still ringing in my ears. Lady Chocolate Lab, being a dog, isn't known for laughter but I am sure even she was laughing when she got back in the car later. My only consolation in the whole affair being that I had made something of a mess of the inside of the car and I did notice The Owner throw the keys at Slimey Salesman as he virtually ran out of the door when he took it back this morning. I am expecting another row when he tells them he isn't going to buy it and they send him a bill from the car valet. I think I may be out when that arrives.
It still went very fast and was very loud but he told them he liked it so much that they told him he could have it for a day, so he would really like it. When we took it back there were loads of snotty nose marks all over the rear screen from me, left because he kept pulling away so fast and laughing out loud at my predicament in the back with my face pressed against the glass. In fact all of me was pressed against the glass as I recall!! He went and got Lady Chocolate Lab Owner and Lady Chocolate Lab to show off to them. So now there are two of us in the back getting pressed against the glass at the back. On one occasion I was already against the glass when he pulled away and Lady Chocolate Lab got pressed against me which I found a terrible affront but then realised it was actually quite pleasant! In this journey of torture we finished up at the pub near the river where I do my best to get all the rocks out of the bottom of it. I was busy trying to demonstrate my prowess at retrieving rocks from the bottom of rivers to Lady Chocolate Lab with a particularly stubborn house brick when I became aware of lots of laughter coming from the river bank and most of it did appear to be aimed at me! When I put my head above water to get a breath of air I saw what they were laughing about. Six ducks...... all in a circle..........round me............watching!!! Oh the shame of it!!!!!!!!!! I climbed back in the big black noisy car that goes very fast and shook myself off in there, with the laughter still ringing in my ears. Lady Chocolate Lab, being a dog, isn't known for laughter but I am sure even she was laughing when she got back in the car later. My only consolation in the whole affair being that I had made something of a mess of the inside of the car and I did notice The Owner throw the keys at Slimey Salesman as he virtually ran out of the door when he took it back this morning. I am expecting another row when he tells them he isn't going to buy it and they send him a bill from the car valet. I think I may be out when that arrives.
Monday, 14 March 2011
Big Yellow Digger Driver's Dressing Down for The Tennis Court Fiasco
I knew it would happen! Yesterday The Owner was busy working and so I took myself for a patrol in the morning and felt I ought to include the manor gardens in my route as I haven't seen what Big Yellow Digger Driver did to the tennis courts in the end. It is also about the right time to go and see if Adge the Badge has come out of hibernation yet.
The Owner reckons I sleep too much but I do at least wake up every day whether it is summer or winter. I might try hibernating sometime and see how I get on. Anyway, the tennis courts, I was just at the point if breaking cover through the herbaceous borders which were looking good I thought (Old Reg the Paper Boy has done a good job with them this year), when I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Manor Hoomun and Big Yellow Digger Driver stood by what remained of the tennis courts and there was a lot of pointing going on and hands on hips and stuff like that and Big Yellow Digger Driver kept pushing his hat further and further back on his head as the pointing got wilder and then Big Yellow Digger Driver got out his book and pencil and began scribbling as Manor Hoomun was making his point. I thought I would make myself scarce as I hadn't got a book and pencil to scribble in if the going got too rough, but too late, I had been spotted! "Tactics here Jack!" I thought. Always side with the more beneficial person I thought so I risked the not getting a crust from Big Yellow Digger Driver's sandwiches and went and sat very firmly by the side of Manor Hoomun. It worked because Manor Hoomun said I had better come in and have breakfast so I did and he was always the more generous between Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun. I decided to abandon the patrol at that point as the belly was a little uncomfortable after two breakfasts. This morning Big Yellow Digger Driver has clearly been demoted! I knew he was on to a telling off by Manor Hoomun! I saw him taking a, frankly, ridiculously small little digger round to The Manor. I think I will keep well out of the way today and take a look at what he has done this evening when all is quiet again.
The Owner reckons I sleep too much but I do at least wake up every day whether it is summer or winter. I might try hibernating sometime and see how I get on. Anyway, the tennis courts, I was just at the point if breaking cover through the herbaceous borders which were looking good I thought (Old Reg the Paper Boy has done a good job with them this year), when I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Manor Hoomun and Big Yellow Digger Driver stood by what remained of the tennis courts and there was a lot of pointing going on and hands on hips and stuff like that and Big Yellow Digger Driver kept pushing his hat further and further back on his head as the pointing got wilder and then Big Yellow Digger Driver got out his book and pencil and began scribbling as Manor Hoomun was making his point. I thought I would make myself scarce as I hadn't got a book and pencil to scribble in if the going got too rough, but too late, I had been spotted! "Tactics here Jack!" I thought. Always side with the more beneficial person I thought so I risked the not getting a crust from Big Yellow Digger Driver's sandwiches and went and sat very firmly by the side of Manor Hoomun. It worked because Manor Hoomun said I had better come in and have breakfast so I did and he was always the more generous between Manor Hoomun and Lady Manor Hoomun. I decided to abandon the patrol at that point as the belly was a little uncomfortable after two breakfasts. This morning Big Yellow Digger Driver has clearly been demoted! I knew he was on to a telling off by Manor Hoomun! I saw him taking a, frankly, ridiculously small little digger round to The Manor. I think I will keep well out of the way today and take a look at what he has done this evening when all is quiet again.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
The Very Important Business Meeting
Last night we had to go out for an "important business meeting". To the pub since you ask! Now I have never been on an important business meeting before, I usually get left in the car outside, so I didn't quite know what to expect. It seemed to consist of some bloke coming in and saying to The Owner "Right mate?", to which The Owner replied "Right John?" They then bought each other a drink and sat and talked a lot of nonsense for an hour and then two more drinks - each - and then more nonsense talked. By the end "Right John?" had changed to "You're alright John!" only said in a rather slurred fashion which I am unable to convey properly in the written word. Then, oh the embarrassment! With him lolling over the bench unable to sit up straight and telling everyone in the pub he loves them, in walks Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner! I couldn't hide or disassociate myself from him as I am attached by a lead. Oh the embarrassment! He gets up to buy Lady Chocolate Lab Owner a drink, puts his hand in his pocket to get some money out and drops all his change on the floor. Tells everyone in the pub "It's alright!", like they cared anyway, bends down to pick it up, lurches forward where he lost his balance and knocks the bar stool over which knocks the next one, which knocks the next one etc. At which point my mate Vic R enters the pub, presumably to save a few souls from eternal damnation to see a bar stool flying through the air towards him. Vic R had to have a lie down before being escorted back to his car and The Owner was escorted from the pub and told to go home. Oh the embarrassment! They were also trying to blame me for mud on the floor, I would draw your attention first to my paws in exhibit one (attached) and then to the state of The Owner's shoes. The denfence rests m'Lud! I haven't seen The Owner yet this morning and I am not anticipating I will for quite a while!
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