Home Alone

On Saturday I was left home alone! The very sound of it brings a shudder to my bones. I knew something was up as The Owner had been in the bath for far too long to be normal for a Saturday and some of the smelly things that he was spraying about up there were too hideous to mention. It wasn't long before Bracknell Lady Hoomun arrived, as if by way of explanation. Now, I like Bracknell Lady Hoomun as she usually brings me a tasty chomp or two as a bribe of some kind, so I did my best excited bounce and my very best excited run round the tree by the path that I wee on, but not a chomp nor treat did she give me! I was beginning to revise my opinion about her quickly! Even more so when The Owner threw a Bonio on my comfy cushion and when I went and got it they both were out the door in less time than it takes to open a Bonio box!!! I took advantage of my enforced solitude and had a quick snooze on the settee that I am not normally allowed on, then his armchair, then Small Boys bed..... in fact I tried every thing that I am not normally allowed on. The only place I was unable to have a snooze on was The Owners bed as he had shut the bedroom door before he went. Although I was frankly not disappointed, as ever since I had a snooze on his bed last week, whilst I dried off after being shut out in the rain, there has been a strange smell of damp emanating from his room which I am frankly none too keen on. It was dark when they returned. My initial bouncing was a little difficult at first when the door opened, not because I had the grumps with him for leaving me, but because there was considerable pressure in my bladder which needed to be relieved first. Made all the worse by The Owner having left a tap dribbling in the bathroom! Bracknell Lady Hoomun was immediately forgiven for not bringing me a tasty chomp earlier in the day by arriving with a pocket full of Markies. The Owner however arrived with a kebab in his hand and so Sunday morning will be filled with either hideous breath that would de-scale the kettle at a thousand yards, which even I would not want to sniff, or an endless run upstairs to the lavatory holding his belly..... or both! Not sure why he does it really, far better to stick to something which is thoroughly wholesome.... like badger poo!

My Letter From The RSPCA

Well, so far this week I have had two letters from Postman. The first was early this week and I think it came from Blood Hound 7. Some nice treats for me I thought although The Owner was a little too keen to hide them from me, but my nose did not let me down. "Hah!", I thought, as I rummaged through his secret stash of wine bottles, "No problem!". I was, however, unsure whether I should be having an opinion on being sent "Wonky Chomps" through the post. Should I be drawing any conclusions here? Well, after being sent out into three inches of drought yesterday morning and being reassured that my skin was waterproof I did feel a little better when I found my way upstairs and snoozed on The Owner's bed until I dried off a little. Three inches of drought is quite a lot when spread over The Owners bed! This morning I had another letter addressed to me from the RSPCA. Whenever there are loads of letters after a name The Owner always makes them out to be very important so I was hopeful. Well I am so over the RSPCA!!!!!! Lots of letters to make up a name and not a tasty chomp in there for me!!!!! I am off to bed I think!

Observations on RookPoo and Nest Building

Today The Owner's face was very black and I have to say that his mood seemed likewise so I have kept out of the way. It has been raining heavily all day so the sunny spot behind the barbie was out of the question, so I have spent the day curled up in the straw in the calf sheds. Our cottage is very old, The Owner says it is hundreds of years old so it is probably as old as him. In the shed is an old copper what they used to use for washing. The Owner refers to it as Zanussi V1.0 and then laughs very loudly at his own joke. I have been telling Rook for days that the chimney pot above the copper is not a good place for building a nest but would he listen to me? Mind you with the row his Lady Rook keeps making if he doesn't build it right he is probably deaf by now. Anyway, this morning Rook threw a particularly large twig down the chimney and forgot to let go. When The Owner went to get some logs he heard him in the chimney. What started out as just opening the firebox door for Rook to find his way out has finished up with bits of stone and copper everywhere and one Rook very reluctant to show his face. With the first row of stone and bricks already removed it was at this point that Rook chose to make his bid for freedom. I can't help but think if he had thought first about his escape route The Owner may not have got covered in quite so much soot and rook poo and my life may have been a little easier today. This evening it is still raining, The Owner has wiped most of the soot from his face on a bath towel (I suspect that Lady Cleaner Hoomun will have an opinion about that tomorrow) and Rook is on top of the chimney again being berated by Lady Rook for using the wrong size sticks to build her the nest of her dreams. Equilibrium has been restored, which is more than can be said for the copper!

The Lack Of Gas For The Cooker

Yesterday morning there was a lot of grumbling going on and I tried as much as possible to keep out of the way. Experience has taught me that when The Owner grumbles a lot it usually ends up as my fault, so if I am keeping a low profile I don't draw attention to myself. It seemed the cause of his ire was that the gas had ran out and his breakfast was only half cooked. He went and found his camping stove and that was in the same condition apparently, so I suspect that Owners Daughter will be getting the best end of one of his opinions when he sees her as I feel sure she borrowed it to go camping. I don't like camping as my comfy cushion gets damp! Just thought I'd mention that. After having an argument with Gas Delivery Man on the phone, which predictably started with "How much?!?!?" it was arranged that Gas Delivery Yoof would drop a new bottle of gas off later that day. I have never met Gas Delivery Yoof before so was unsure what to expect. Later in the afternoon, after a day of The Owner going out to the kitchen every half hour and seeing if the stove would light up and then sighing a lot, a lorry pulled up in our layby and had a lot to say for itself, which made me a little nervous to be honest. Gas Delivery Yoof got out and fertled around in the back and produced a big bright orange shiny new gas bottle. Now we have two such bottles at the back of the cottage and in the absence of anything more appropriate I usually wee up them. It tends to make them rust a lot but I always feel a statement has been made when I wee up them. Gas Delivery Yoof put the new one down just inside the gate as he had forgotten his spanner so I took the opportunity. Start as you mean to go on I always say! He didn't notice anyway although he did start wiping his neck a lot and had a strange expression on his face as he carried the bottle round the back. He swapped the bottles over and then carried the empty one back to his lorry and put it down whilst he discussed important things with The Owner. You will be pleased to know that I managed to get one last wee on the old bottle before it was loaded up on to the lorry. It seemed a bit extreme the way Gas Delivery Yoof changed his jumper and jacket as soon as he got in the cab of his lorry. He sent one or two accusing looks in my direction too, but some people are just like that I have realised.

Another Chinese Take Away

The Owner has been a little grumpy of late, I mean grumpier than usual. I thought it best not to tempt fate too much by getting hairs and slobber all over the keyboard so I scribbled notes on my pad in the boot room and hid it behind my food bin. I can report on my adventures and findings on the hoomun condition in times to come. He went off yesterday and came back smelling of hospitals again. Last night he announced that as it was Good Friday it called for a takeaway. Well I was as confused as you are, as far as I am able to tell today is Friday and I have found nothing about it to warrant it being called good. However, last night he ordered a Friday takeaway to be delivered. The attentive amongst you will recall the last delivery of Chinese takeaway when I caused a little problem when I appeared behind Chinese Delivery Yoof and he seemed a little overawed by my appearance. This time they arrived en mass with a car full of four Chinese Delivery Yoofs in a very posh delivery car. Well I was very anxious to make some kind of amends for the last occasion and so when the driver yoof jumped out to talk with The Owner he left his door open and the gate not closed properly. I took my moment and jumped in the car to say hello to the others, I reasoned I could say hello to Chinese Delivery Yoof when he returned from talking to The Owner. They seemed generally pleased to see me and squealed and giggled a lot which made me jump around a lot more, but when Chinese Delivery Yoof got back he must have had one of those bad heads that The Owner gets on a Saturday morning as he kept holding his head and said "My Dad'll kill me!.... His car!" over and over again. Not sure what he meant by that?! The Owner must have had a bad head too as he scowled a lot and then held his head in his hands as well. I was getting the distinct vibe that I was being held responsible for something.

The Family Came Visiting

I had visitors today, Owner's Daughter, Diesel Dog Daughter and Small Boy! I liked being with my family.

The Sore Bottom!

Yesterday we went on patrol and today, as the result of an ever so little incident, I am still feeling a little.... uncomfortable! The Owner had been working from home again yesterday, when I say working it was more of a very long snooze as far as I could see, interspersed by small periods of great activity. It was approaching tea time and he suddenly put his shoes on and grabbed his crusty old Barbour jacket and told me to get my butt off my comfy cushion. Never one to turn down an opportunity to do anything, I leapt energetically from my cushion and down to the gate. A quick shuffle down the road and we arrived at the farm, now this could have gone three ways and I was unsure which to anticipate. We could have been going for a patrol through the farm and up on the hill (good, there will be more badger poo up there by now!). We could have been going to the studio and that would have been another hour or so before tea. Third option.... yes it is Saturday.... we are going to the pub!! I like pubs, they are my favourite! It was about then that my discomfort began. I like to behave myself when wandering up the road with The Owner, I don't do leads, except at the pub (pub rules) so when a car comes along I go to The Owner and sit by his foot. It's what I do. We hadn't been on our way long when a car approached so I go and sit with The Owner, another car from the other direction as well, so The Owner stepped up on the grass bank, so did I and sat down beside him. There are only certain parts of me which are not protected by a layer of fur. We are enjoying the first flush of spring here and certain plants are just poking their noses through, determined to wreak havoc in my world. Where I sat, a stinging nettle was just emerging with a particularly vengeful frame of mind and the only bit round the back there which is unprotected was its point of contact. Stinging nettles on the bum is a sensation which I am not happy with and am in no hurry to repeat! I got absolutely no sympathy at all from The Owner! It seems that sitting in a pub with a K9 which was constantly licking his bum was not many peoples idea of a good Saturday evening out and so The Owner was soon asked to take me home. Serves him right! I think he smells like a camel anyway!