Nasal Failure!

There are times when I really wish The Owner's armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels! May I just explain that as a K9, having hoomuns blow on, or even worse, up our noses is the worst thing imaginable and will always be met by an unfavourable response. This morning, as autumn extends her chilly grip across this great land of ours (excluding the other side of Swindon obviously) in anticipation of the frosty mornings, The Owner was out in the garden tidying up and putting stuff away. His attentions were particularly caught and occupied by the hosepipe. The short section at the end was particularly shop-soiled after Small Boy's last visit and was removed. The Owner then removed any residual water left in the pipe by blowing down it. Well I wouldn't, it has been within weeing height all summer! Fast forward to this evening. The day, largely being at it's end, I was starting to snooze gently on my comfy cushion. In the course of my slumber I was suddenly and rudely awoken by the most violent and explosive urge to inexplicably sneeze. Once the convulsions had subsided I opened my eyes to seek the cause of this situation and could see nothing to explain what had just happened. The Owner was sat in his chair reading his Sunday paper and the fire was gently crackling in the grate. Assuming it to be "one of those things" I turned my attentions back to slumber, only to be hit by a further irresistible urge to sneeze to the point where I farted and a little bit of wee came out. Opening one eye I could still see nothing to cause this reaction and drifted back into slumber. After a chance opening of an eye I saw The Owner's paper shaking as if from laughter. Then I noticed the piece of hosepipe he had removed earlier in the day poking out from under the edge of his paper and advancing in the general direction of my nose to claim victory in it's third attempt at inducing nasal failure. I know there isn't such a thing as nasal failure, but there is now, I just made it up and it works for me, OK?????? He walks like a camel anyway, smells like one too.....

Attacked by The Squidger

Last night The Owner took to calling me Earle! He sat there watching the TV where we learned for the twenty fifth time how to build an Airbus A380. I pretend to be interested as it keeps him from feeling dejected I guess, that a K9 (with breeding) may have understood the intricacies of building an Airbus A380 on the first watching. On the coffee table in front of him is spread an array of remote controls, one might even call it an arsenal of remotes. There is one for the TV, one for the set top box, one for the surround sound, one for the DVD player, one for the DVD recorder, one for the video cassette player (very old school,) and a spare. So having selected his channel on the building of an Airbus A380 and set the volume level he placed the remote on the arm of his chair and settled back to watch. Again! I curled up on my comfy cushion, which, as it happens, is right below the arm of his chair. After a few moments the remote landed on my head in a very unceremonious fashion. I assumed there was some reason for this being thrown at me so I sort of included it into the folds of my comfy cushion and settled back to enjoy a snooze with one eye and kept the other on the Airbus A380. We were just getting to the interesting part where they bolt the wings on when he changed channels, and then turned the volume up. I was a bit mystified by this! Then The Owner gets up, whilst the volume levels were going up and down quicker than the price of a box of Bonio's and starts pulling all the cushions out from his chair. Having not found what he was looking for, presumably the TV remote, he selects "The Spare" from his now dwindling arsenal of remotes. Tuning back in to watching the Airbus A380 he had missed the best bit and the thing was now airborne, as was the volume level on the TV! I was unsure what he was trying to do. Flicking channels and always back to watching the Airbus program and volume levels up and down as fast as you could say "Bonio's would be nice three times a day please!" After a while of this he got fed up and turned the TV off and announced he was going to bed. I got up from my comfy cushion and left his TV remote on the cushion for him to find for the morning. But it would seem that he was blaming me for the somewhat erratic control of his channels and volume. Ever since he has been laughing as he walks past me and saying "Are you sitting on the remote again Earle?" I think he may be sickening for something.

Am I Famous?

Today is a day of celebration - I think! I was recognised this morning at the gate by cyclist hoomuns as they rode past. I was sat there sniffing nonchalantly at the breeze, trying to work out what to go and sniff at next when suddenly they were upon me, before I had time to work out a suitable opinion to have about cyclists wearing too much brightly coloured lycra (although I think that is an opinion in itself) when one of them started trilling at the top of her voice "Look, there's Jack!". The other one went "Aawwwwwwwwwwww!" I am unsure at the moment whether that was good or not. I will practice my response for another occasion. The Owner has been telling me this morning that I have an ISBN number which is the reason for my day of celebration. I have a question now, what is an ISBN number, do K9's have ISBN numbers and should I be having an opinion on the matter?

Jack Two Baths

Last night I was becoming a little concerned about The Owner, he is such a worry! He kept saying to me "You're going to smell soooooo nice tomorrow!". I think I smell perfectly ok anyway, but how could he know about this morning by last night??I pondered on this all night, sat in the bootroom. It didn't keep me awake as such, the fridge did that! I am sure it gets noisier!! Well, I got up this morning, still pondering, and chased The Owner for my breakfast. He was grinning at me in a particularly malicious fashion which unnerved me a little, I had a bath! Twice!!!!! I was whisked off my feet with no regard for my dignity and carried upstairs. As soon as he does that it is sure to end in tears and I do my best to ensure the tears are his and not minebut I was deposited without due ceremony in THE BATH!!! With lavender (yuk and phew) bubble bath!!!! I can feel nightmares coming on for tonight already! I think I may be in trouble later when he goes to bed, when I jumped out of the bath I ran across the landing and had a quick trip around his bedroom and across the bed. I ran down the stairs and out into the garden at which point I couldn't help notice that there was a dollop of badger poo in the woods at the top of the garden and, well, sort of,.............................well........................................rolled in it. I couldn't help it! I did notice that my second bath of the morning, in the pond since you ask, was a little cooler than the first bath. Devoid of any badger poo on the shoulder The Owner made me walk to heel all the way to the Village Hall. There was lots of people there, nearly as many as I saw in Lundun last week and many of them seemed to be very friendly (unlike The Owner who had a very unfriendly scowl). I had the feeling I was some kind of celebrity! That was until I was shut in a cage in the back of Lectrician Hoomuns car. In a cage!!!!!!!!!!!! I have breeding I do!! Had I mentioned that I was born and trained on Lord Bath's estate? The good thing was that The Owner didn't realise that I was being fed lots of cake through the bars of the cage in which I had been incarcerated. I wonder what's for tea?

The Trailer Monster!

Yesterday was Friday! Has the K9 (with breeding) lost it I hear you ask, to make such a simple fact worthy of mention in a post? Well, in my understanding hoomun days are twenty four hours long, my Friday is currently standing at 33 hours and is showing no signs yet of drawing to a close. I don't know what has got into my hoomun!! For the purpose of clarity let us just call Friday the bit up until midnight last night and the rest we shall hereafter refer to as Saturday even though the two are normally distinguished by an extended period of slumber and snooze. After work on Friday we ambled up to the pub so The Owner can enjoy the odd pint (or four) but I really don't mind as it means I go too, and then I can hone my skills in extracting the odd morsel from any who come within my powers. Mainly lady hoomuns since you ask. So far, yesterday was remarkable only in that it was starting to draw to a close. Until The Owner got a phone call.... as he was getting ready for bed! There then followed much frantic activity until his mate, who he refers to as The Ugly Sister, no idea why as I thought being a sister made you a lady hoomun, came bounding through the door with far too much enthusiasm in my opinion. I am not normally allowed in his car but today I was actually encouraged to!! Now comes the worrying bit, we went off the other side of Swindon. A long way the other side of Swindon! I was on my guard for strange things happening! After much discussion and a lot of swearing at Ugly Sister's Satnav , (which seemed to have an opinion on just about everything) and several hours driving, we arrived at our destination, at least that's what Satnav seemed to be suggesting. To me it seemed more like a bit of dual carriageway with no distinguishable features. The Owner found the right place for The Ugly Sister and has not let it rest since. It was very dark and The Owner got out and let me out for a wee. He put me straight back in the car as he said he had to "Couple up the trailer!" which sounded very important, at least in The Owner's mind it did. I am not sure if K9's do trailer coupling or not but The Owner seemed very pleased with his efforts as he got back in the car. We then traveled off into the dark of the night. With not much to see I settled down and enjoyed the journey, this proved to be my undoing. We came to a roundabout which clearly had a lot of street lights and I wanted to see whether there would have been any which required wee'ing up. As I opened one eye and looked up, there it was, directly above me, a MONSTER!! Just the other side of the back window.... the kind of monster you would expect to find the other side of Swindon and it was looking in as we drove along!! In my half awake state, defence of my hoomuns was my only concern! Well actually it was because it scared the poop out of me, but I feel sure there was at least some desire to protect my Hoomun. I leaped up and had a great deal to say on the matter...... well how was I to know it was the trailer and it was meant to be there??? Their laughter ringing in my ears for the rest of the way home, I began to plot my revenge! Expect reprisals!! I am looking forward to my bed tonight and if he tells one more delivery driver to "Watch the dog as he may be grumpy, he didn't get much sleep last night!" it won't be the delivery driver that needs to watch me!!!!!

The End of a Good Day!

Yesterday was a good day! There was much frantic activity during the morning by The Owner, he had announced that he was going to have a day off which I had assumed would mean we would "do things". But instead he started painting. He painted the walls, he painted the doors, he painted himself, he painted the bath, he painted the sink; he also got some paint on the beams which I gather was his intended target. The oven was another of his targets and I now understand that the rungs inside the oven are meant to be bright and shiny! At some point in the afternoon, after he had stolen my duvet from the boot room and thrown it without due ceremony into the washing machine (he seemed to think it was getting smelly, I thought it was getting about right) Owners Daughter arrived. After successfully communicating mind to mind and getting her to retrieve a Bonio for me from the tin, The Owner went and got several armful's of newspaper and went to throw it in the boot of Owners Daughters car. I am always hopeful of a trip in a car somewhere so I jumped in quick, fully expecting to be removed amid much bellowing but I was allowed to stay!! We went first to the recycling centre and then to the pub in the next village, where I met not one, but two lady chocolate labs and two swamp collies. And I got fed when we got home! It is a very comforting feeling at the end of a day when things have gone well, I even let The Owner sit on my settee.

The Visit by The Pile Of Washing!

We have had visitors we have! A car arrived in the lay-by in front of the cottage and out got a familiar shape, Polly Dog! I have met Polly Dog before when she came to see me with her Hoomun called NieceinBornmuff. Well NieceinBornmuff has apparently now changed her name, as The Owner now informs me that she is called NieceinBlandford. I am unsure why hoomuns change their names like that, I will investigate and report. Out of the car also got Musician Hoomun carrying a bundle of washing, I thought, as I wee'd on their car wheel. The Owner and the other two hoomuns carried the bundle of washing in doors and the tea ritual, which I have witnessed so many times when hoomuns come to visit, was started by putting the kettle on. I had assumed that the bundle of washing had been brought up because their washing machine was broken or something. The Owner had to take his washing to Owners Dad's once when his washing machine sprung a very large leak and cast water upon the kitchen floor in a very dramatic fashion. So I reasoned that maybe they also had a very wet kitchen floor and felt it my duty to point out that I was in no way responsible. Cups of tea made and great attention on my part being paid to who was going to be the easiest to get a Bonio from, when the strangest thing happened!! The pile of washing started to move... on it's own!! Then made noises! Then a toy hoomun arm appeared... followed by a toy hoomun leg, and altogether far too much of an opinion on just about every matter you could think of!! Well I have never seen a hoomun as small as that before! Do they make lots like that or is this a one off? I watched this small hoomun with an air of caution for the next hour or so, you know where you are with The Owner but the Heap of Washing Hoomun was unpredictable at best. I was quite grateful for a lie down in the boot room that night, I had one of my headaches coming on!