Test Driving

Today has been a good day so far! We have been out test driving, me and The Owner, which I was a bit surprised about at first as I thought he had passed his driving test. At least he keeps telling everyone he is a class one driver so I just assume he is good from that... apparently. 

We arrived at the big garage at just the right moment as all the mechanic hoomuns were having tea and sandwiches and there were rich pickings to be had. Particularly when The Owner wasn't watching! Then Slimey Sales Hoomun arrived and kept calling The Owner Sir! This of course appeals to The Owners inflated sense of self importance and kept referring to Slimey Sales Hoomun as Serf, and then laugh loudly. However I had to agree with The Owner that Slimey Sales Hoomun was somewhat less than likable when he said to The Owner, with a sideways flick of the thumb, "What are you going to do with the dog?"!!!!!!! I am a K9, and one with breeding to boot! The Owner for once stood up for me and replied "Oh, you mean Jack? He WILL be coming with us!" In the tones that indicated that The Owner was not in the mood to be trifled with and Slimey Sales Hoomun noticed that too, so in the back seat I jumped, very athletically I thought too! When I say back seat, I may be exaggerating things a bit there. It was little more than a small ledge covered with carpet and not the sort of thing that one with breeding should be seen sitting on, so I climbed through to the front again. Slimey Sales Hoomun seemed less than enthused about where I was going so I sat on his lap with my front paws on his knee. At this he was even less enthused and kept complaining loudly that he couldn't see a thing. Well excuse me, who is the customer round here? He knows the road so why does he need to see it again? I have never been driven down this dual carriageway so it is important I see what posts there may have been to wee up (and there were quite a few, I have to report) and besides, I was closer to the windscreen this way. This means...... I get to lick the windscreen...... a lot! Their windscreen cleaner tasted quite nice actually, so I licked the windscreen a lot more too. Slimey Sales Hoomun complained loudly when my paws slipped off his knees and ran my claws down the inside of his legs, but I was having none of the blame in this little scenario! If The Owner hadn't gone round the roundabout quite so quickly and then braked when I was least expecting it I wouldn't have slipped off! But I soon regained my composure you will be pleased to hear and got back on Slimey Sales Hoomun's lap. As we were leaving the garage I noticed Slimey Sales Hoomun emerging from a shed in the car park with a Dyson and a bucket with mops and lots of cleaning stuff and I think he was making far too much of that little scratch down his leg too. He was limping a lot and had a bandage wound round and around his leg looking very much like and Egyptian mummy. As we left he said "Please come back and see me if you need to drive it again to make your mind up". But I detected a small amount of sarcasm in his voice which I felt was very unbecoming and a little unnecessary to be honest. It was, after all, just a little scratch on his leg, the windscreen could still be looked out of after I had licked it (a lot) and I had managed to keep most of my hairs on Slimey Sales Hoomun's lap!

The Great Purple Ink Scandal

Yesterday I was in trouble! You may even say I visited the poop parlour, and it was quite deep.

Yesterday The Owner was very busy doing printing so I opted to get behind the heater as soon as we arrived at the studio, as I know from past experience how he tends to lose his patience with anything printer related. As it turned out it was a wise move on my part! The Owner was printing out some purple discs and some purple pieces of paper and more purple pieces of paper.... and with that amount of purple ink around he had printed his fingers purple too. Only he hadn't noticed the last bit. I did, but would he listen to me as I tried to warn him? No, I am the one who got shooed out of the way and told that it wasn't yet coffee time so I am not due a Bonio yet! Well I tried didn't I? I would also just like to point out that I am not always motivated entirely by Bonios! There is at least ten minutes every day when I am not trying to elicit a Bonio from someone or other and this just happened to be it. I also thought that the purple ink on his fingers was not the best thing to be smearing over his new purple printing, but what do I know? I am guessing The Owner thought so to when he noticed it and there were many words used that I pretended not to understand. The printer was soundly chastised, cleaned, and set about its task of printing replacements. The Owner put the coffee on which is always a good reason for great excitement as the next thing to follow is........ Bonios!

I was let out for a quick wee before coffee so I chased around the paddock with a great sense of excitement and then rushed straight back to the studio, mission accomplished. However whilst I was outside The Owner had spread his purple papers all over the floor in little heaps as he sorted them out and my return was greeted with howls of anguish from The Owner, implying that my muddy paw prints were not welcome over his second set of printing.

Well I couldn't stop!!! Once I had trodden on the slippery glossy paper I definitely couldn't stop! There then followed much angst as he had to change the ink cartridges, particularly the purple ink as it happened, so there was more ink on fingers etc. and more words I pretend not to understand. As it was me that slid on the paper, the ink smudges he left everywhere automatically became my fault too (although I don't follow the logic with that one). It was a good job he had more paper and an even bigger good job that the ink delivery hoomun had turned up that morning too or that would have been my fault as well. Extra printing done and handed over and not so much as a peep from the printer so far today so I am hopeful of a quieter day.

Organic Matter in The Boot

This morning I am in the poo….. deep poo!

When I read that back it may have been a good choice of phrase, really. You may recall recently how I recently managed to hide The Owner’s corkscrew in his boot for him to find, thereby averting the eye of suspicion from myself? Well this morning I was out on patrol before daylight and happened upon something which was vaguely organic and extremely interesting at the top of the garden. But as it was still too dark to be sure of the exact origin or composition of this organic matter I decided to take it indoors where the light is better for a closer look. In the mornings, The Owner can sometimes be described, (at best) as unpredictable and I thought he had poured his tea and was settling down in front of the TV to shout at the presenters and guests on BBC Breakfast. It somehow makes him feel better and more able to cope with the rest of the day I have noticed. This morning was different and when I returned to the cottage and in through the boot room door he was coming back into the kitchen with a dirty mug from last night and was about to pour his tea. He must have had a small preliminary rant at the TV and that had delayed him. Either way I really couldn't afford to upset the start of his day by getting caught with something in my mouth which The Owner would not approve of, so I dropped it quick behind his boots. Well, when I say behind them I really meant on them. Or more accurately kind of like…. well…. in them with just a tail hanging over the side really. I know; I know what you’re thinking but it was all I could think of on the spur of the moment. After tea, toast and his bath, it was time for him to face the world, as he likes to put it (he gets that from Owners Daughter). This was where the day went rapidly downhill for all concerned! The Owner grabbed his boots and paid no attention to what was watching him over the top of his boots and plunged his foot into the depths of his boot. Unusually he even got it on the right foot first time! There was that second or two that seemed to go in slow motion as I could watch the message go from his foot to the brain, “Hello Brain, Foot here; yes, something seems to be kind of squidging up between the toes!” During those seconds I frantically searched for anywhere that would act as a bolthole and could only find a dining chair which offered little in the way of protection from the wrath which then came my way. He has also worked out by association that I may have been behind the whole corkscrew incident too. It has been a particularly silent walk to the studio this morning and I have a feeling this is going to be a very long day.

And I never got the opportunity to identify what I left in his boot either!

On Owners Daughter and Blocked Drains

Yesterday we had a bit of a problem, (in the drain department as it happened). I was just getting down to exploring the full complexities of drain department problems and digging a small exploratory hole beside the offending drain, when it happened. Owners Daughter happened, that's what! The Owner, being "one of the old school" as he likes to term it, (to everyone else it is just that he likes real tea and not "those infernal tea bags") has a certain susceptibility to blocking in the kitchen drain department with the left-overs from the operation. I happened to notice that it was blocked early in the week. The fact that all the washing up water was building a sizable lake outside the boot room door (for which I hold absolutely no responsibility) was a bit of a give away. It had proved far too subtle for The Owner, or he had just preferred to ignore it in the hope that a troop of elves and goblins would have cleared a bin bag full of tea leaves over night. Either way, yesterday morning he was to be found grumbling his way towards the tool shed when I returned from morning patrol. Traditionally that is then followed by further grumbling when he discovers that Small Boy has had all The Owners tools out and abandoned them in strategic points around the garden and The Owner has no idea where. I decided to keep out of the way and went instead to explore the cause of the problem.




I was just getting in to the swing of the dig and all four paws were fully employed in removing the blockage when the air raid sirens in my head began to sound..... OWNERS DAUGHTER HAS LANDED!!!!! There was a lot of loud frowning going on as Owners Daughter remonstrated with The Owner about his general disheveled state, the quantity of unwashed pans balanced precariously on top of the heap of washing up in the sink, the fresh squirty bottle of hand soap that he hadn't undone the top of since she last visited two weeks ago (so clearly hadn't used it), the lack of flow (in the right direction) of the drains outside the kitchen, and the plight of the indigenous native South Americans in Peru! I have no idea why he was being chastised about the native South Americans but she was clearly warming to her task. There was more than the odd glance being cast in my direction as she reached her crescendo so I knew I was going to be next and I had still got all four legs covered in mud and didn't wish to draw too much attention to myself, so I did my very best hide, behind The Owner. Working on the principle that she would have to get past The Owner before she could get to me. I stayed there until the danger had passed and she had moved on to something else, which was quite a while but always better to be safe than sorry in these matters..

My World is Good!

Today I have noticed many things. 

It is indeed a beautiful morning, the early morning frost lifted early and was replaced by a heavy mist. This first signs of blossom are visible on the Morello Cherry tree in the corner of the garden, (I actually have no idea what a Morello Cherry is but it made me sound kinda learned I thought). The first signs of the leaves showing on the hedge by the paddock and of course planet earth was saved from destruction by a wayward lump of rock flying through space. Not sure if I should have and opinion about that, so I shall wait and see. Had it done so, I guess there would always be tomorrow to put it right. Well it worked with the Mayan calender so I see no reason why it wouldn't work with an asteroid too. But the really really best bit about all this is that The Owner has opened the studio door and let the sunlight in and I can take up my post near the door. All we need now is Postman and the morning will be perfect. I wonder if he has been yet?

Skinners Lady Hoomun Visits

Yesterday I made a new friend, and I have the distinct feeling she is going to be my bestest friend ever!!! The Owner said that I had to behave myself properly (like I could do anything else) as he was expecting an important visitor! So I resisted the temptation to roll in anything when out on patrol, or jump in the pond, or get to chasing across the field down near the lakes that is so muddy The Owner can't get across it. I particularly like that field because I can run around like a demented badger and get particularly muddy and there is nothing The Owner can do to stop me. Although, to be honest, life isn't worth living for a while when I get back as he gets in a right old strop with me but it is always worth it where there is mud involved. But I resisted! Then a big car pulled up outside and a lady hoomun got out and came in to the studio. The Owner was busy waving that cautionary finger at me which meant I should think long and hard on the merits of what I am about to do and work out whether the pain will justify the gain. To be honest it normally does but the little K9 in my head which urges me to do far too many things was telling m not to this time. So Skinners Lady Hoomun arrived and the first thing she did was give me a gravy bone. I was smitten! I waved my paws in the air and she gave me another telling me it was my last one.... and then gave me another. This was going well I thought. Coffee was being made so I got a Bonio from The Owner....... and another gravy bone from Skinners Lady Hoomun!!!! :) It was all going very well and The Owner was smiling a lot too. 

Today there has been a delivery! Two large bags of my food have arrived.... and the name on the side? Skinners!!!!!! Are the two things connected? Haven't a clue but I am in lurve I think.... with two bags of food! 

I will be watching them intently today!

The Rain!

Yesterday, being a Sunday was a gentle start in the cottage. I went out, just to relieve the pressure, and was confronted by a wall of rain falling from the sky and the gutter above the boot room door and resolved there and then that it was going to be the last time I went out there again that day. Nasty stuff, rain! So I busied myself indoors, alternating between snoozing on my comfy cushion, snoozing in front of the fire and snoozing on the sofa curled up beside The Owner whilst he read the Sunday Papers. There was little ranting about them, which was unusual, so there couldn't have been anyone in them that he disapproved of. I did venture to open an eye occasionally and glance at the windows and observed much rain still falling against the windows, so closed it again rapidly. Eventually The Owner gets up, stretches, and rummages in the cupboard for his boots. This time (unusually) nothing else came tumbling out, which is the normal way of things I have come to notice. He normally gets his boots out and then has to throw all the other bits and bobs that have made a bid for freedom back in and shut the door quick. This all pointed to one thing, he was going to become very insistent that we were going to have to go out on patrol! It is still raining out there!!! I am a dog with breeding, dogs with breeding don't do rain!!! So I hid at first but he was having none of it. He dragged me out into the rain and out into the fields. This is not good, I am getting wet here!! Across the fields we squelched, water dripping off the end of my nose whilst I walked five yards behind him. Not out of any idea of respect or servitude, just that I didn't want to be out in the rain and wet and was dreaming of warming myself beside the fire later when we got back. At one point he stood under a tree up on the hill to shelter a little from the rain. Look, am I missing something here? There is a perfectly good cottage down there.... and it is all the shelter I need. But on we trudged! Eventually we turn for home, but not before I am so wet that, if I wore any, the water would have been running out of the seat of my pants. The only good bit about the whole wretched saga was that the pond was full and I got to play in it for a while. Until he started grumbling about getting wet stood there waiting for me.

Now it is snowing outside and I have to walk home through that!!