Spring Does Seem To Be With Us

It has been a strange day in The Owner's world today! With spring appearing to be finally with us he spent yesterday rummaging around at the back of the shed removing dead leaves, cobwebs, two mouses nests, Small Boys bike and the remains of a dead pheasant from something which he was determined to call a lawn mower. Liberated from the shed detritus that had surrounded it throughout the winter it emerged into the sunshine of a spring afternoon in a decidedly uncooperative mood which in my experience can be counter-productive. In my experience it is always more peaceful to go along with whatever scheme The Owner has embarked upon. Eventually, after much tinkering he hit upon the genius idea of putting fuel in the tank and with a roar, several giddy spiders emerged from various hiding places about the mower and The Owners face was a picture of triumph.

Up the garden by the barbecue is a random collection of grass clippings that The Owner always refers to as the compost heap, but this year he has got a new green wheelie bin for Council Hoomun to come and take away the clippings and so presumably the compost heap will eventually fade away and be forgotten. With great enthusiasm The Owner started to charge around the garden with his lawn mower and putting all the clippings in his new wheelie bin. Early in the winter I had a new toy, like a green tennis ball with a piece of rope on it, but I lost it months ago. The Owner was attacking a particularly dense bit of undergrowth when suddenly his lawn mower started vibrating badly and jumping around in a very excited fashion. Well at least I now know where my toy went, in fact I now have two bits of it to play with, so that was good then! After half the lawns were cut the wheelie bin appeared to be quite full from where I was standing. So The Owner went and got his small steps and clambered up and climbed into the top of the wheelie bin. I remember thinking at the time "That won't end well"! And I was right! After only a small amount of jumping around in the top of it the grass seemed to disappear from my view but The Owner was clearly intent on greater things until it all fell over! The Owner fell under the bush that I wee on outside the front door (which didn't seem to please him particularly) and all the grass that had been in the wheelie bin was now on the garden path. I took the opportunity of a snooze in a soft bed of grass clippings whilst The Owner regained his composure and sought something else to blame for the situation. I am thinking that the whole laying in the grass clippings thing was not my best move as it drew some attention to myself, which made the bin falling over my fault. So I wee'd on the grass clippings and left him to it. I may look out later and see how he is getting on, but in the meantime there is no reason why I can't make use of the sofa for an hour or two, he won't be needing it.

The Cow Trough

It is a bright and sunny day here today and the birds are a-singing and the cows are a-mooing and The Owner has a sense of mischief about him which is predictably at my expense. On my third patrol of the morning I took The Owner with me. Big mistake! I have a favourite stone which I like to carry around with me so The Owner made me sit and then made me give it to him. Good-oh! I thought we are going to have a bonding session as he throws the stone and then I bring it back. Oh how we laughed as he dropped it in the cow trough! There are one or two unpleasant things lurking at the bottom of that trough and I was not about to let them get my stone! At least I got his clean trousers a little more "lived in".

A Little Winter Warmth

The evening is showing grate promise!

I Am "The Fragrant One" Again!

This morning on patrol I have been kept on a lead which hasn't gone down well as a matter of fact. I was kept well away from the pond too! Somehow hoomuns just know what you are planning and I would love to understand how. This morning, being Sunday, The Owner made his morning tea and after a quick rant at the news on the telly, (just to start the day off right) he retrieved his paper from the front porch where Old Reg the Paper Boy had thrown it. He does this in case I may have been prowling the gardens when he arrived apparently. The Owner then made himself a coffee and read his paper for a while. Then when he had finished his coffee he picked up his paper and his glasses and disappeared up to the bathroom for his Sunday bath. 

All was quiet up there apart from the occasional splash of bath water and the rustle of his newspaper as he turned the pages. Then I heard The Owner call me.... why do I fall for this every time? Up the stairs I trundle and immediately notice his bedroom door is closed and so is Small Boys, but the bathroom door was open. Now you're in front of me here aren't you? I was not so quick, sadly. The Owner whisked me off my feet and deposited me in the bath!!!!! Again!!!! I mean, it was only last summer that I had one. I am not due for another yet! I'll give him bloody Head & Shoulders! The ignominious and humiliating act performed, amid many references to being the fragrant one, (like that was going to make me feel better) I was released from the prison torture chamber known only as "The Bathroom". That was when it dawned on me why the bedroom doors were closed! Deprived of my first line of revenge I made my way rather rapidly down the stairs and found a suitable alternative. I jumped on to the settee and sat down, (after a few shakes along the way). Had I mentioned that I had sat on his freshly delivered Sunday paper on the settee? I don't think he will be reading much more of that today! My plan was to get in the village pond to get a good coating of pondweed and other less perfumed substances was scuppered by being kept on the lead whilst on patrol. Anything to rid myself of the smell of shampoo! I am contenting myself at the moment with dropping vast quantities of hair everywhere whilst The Owner complains bitterly and threatens me with the ruddy Dyson. Well hello? It wasn't me that jumped in the bath was it?!?!?

 I am going to accessorise The Owners jacket with a few hairs ready for his meeting tomorrow.

Test Driving

Today has been a good day so far! We have been out test driving, me and The Owner, which I was a bit surprised about at first as I thought he had passed his driving test. At least he keeps telling everyone he is a class one driver so I just assume he is good from that... apparently. 

We arrived at the big garage at just the right moment as all the mechanic hoomuns were having tea and sandwiches and there were rich pickings to be had. Particularly when The Owner wasn't watching! Then Slimey Sales Hoomun arrived and kept calling The Owner Sir! This of course appeals to The Owners inflated sense of self importance and kept referring to Slimey Sales Hoomun as Serf, and then laugh loudly. However I had to agree with The Owner that Slimey Sales Hoomun was somewhat less than likable when he said to The Owner, with a sideways flick of the thumb, "What are you going to do with the dog?"!!!!!!! I am a K9, and one with breeding to boot! The Owner for once stood up for me and replied "Oh, you mean Jack? He WILL be coming with us!" In the tones that indicated that The Owner was not in the mood to be trifled with and Slimey Sales Hoomun noticed that too, so in the back seat I jumped, very athletically I thought too! When I say back seat, I may be exaggerating things a bit there. It was little more than a small ledge covered with carpet and not the sort of thing that one with breeding should be seen sitting on, so I climbed through to the front again. Slimey Sales Hoomun seemed less than enthused about where I was going so I sat on his lap with my front paws on his knee. At this he was even less enthused and kept complaining loudly that he couldn't see a thing. Well excuse me, who is the customer round here? He knows the road so why does he need to see it again? I have never been driven down this dual carriageway so it is important I see what posts there may have been to wee up (and there were quite a few, I have to report) and besides, I was closer to the windscreen this way. This means...... I get to lick the windscreen...... a lot! Their windscreen cleaner tasted quite nice actually, so I licked the windscreen a lot more too. Slimey Sales Hoomun complained loudly when my paws slipped off his knees and ran my claws down the inside of his legs, but I was having none of the blame in this little scenario! If The Owner hadn't gone round the roundabout quite so quickly and then braked when I was least expecting it I wouldn't have slipped off! But I soon regained my composure you will be pleased to hear and got back on Slimey Sales Hoomun's lap. As we were leaving the garage I noticed Slimey Sales Hoomun emerging from a shed in the car park with a Dyson and a bucket with mops and lots of cleaning stuff and I think he was making far too much of that little scratch down his leg too. He was limping a lot and had a bandage wound round and around his leg looking very much like and Egyptian mummy. As we left he said "Please come back and see me if you need to drive it again to make your mind up". But I detected a small amount of sarcasm in his voice which I felt was very unbecoming and a little unnecessary to be honest. It was, after all, just a little scratch on his leg, the windscreen could still be looked out of after I had licked it (a lot) and I had managed to keep most of my hairs on Slimey Sales Hoomun's lap!

The Great Purple Ink Scandal

Yesterday I was in trouble! You may even say I visited the poop parlour, and it was quite deep.

Yesterday The Owner was very busy doing printing so I opted to get behind the heater as soon as we arrived at the studio, as I know from past experience how he tends to lose his patience with anything printer related. As it turned out it was a wise move on my part! The Owner was printing out some purple discs and some purple pieces of paper and more purple pieces of paper.... and with that amount of purple ink around he had printed his fingers purple too. Only he hadn't noticed the last bit. I did, but would he listen to me as I tried to warn him? No, I am the one who got shooed out of the way and told that it wasn't yet coffee time so I am not due a Bonio yet! Well I tried didn't I? I would also just like to point out that I am not always motivated entirely by Bonios! There is at least ten minutes every day when I am not trying to elicit a Bonio from someone or other and this just happened to be it. I also thought that the purple ink on his fingers was not the best thing to be smearing over his new purple printing, but what do I know? I am guessing The Owner thought so to when he noticed it and there were many words used that I pretended not to understand. The printer was soundly chastised, cleaned, and set about its task of printing replacements. The Owner put the coffee on which is always a good reason for great excitement as the next thing to follow is........ Bonios!

I was let out for a quick wee before coffee so I chased around the paddock with a great sense of excitement and then rushed straight back to the studio, mission accomplished. However whilst I was outside The Owner had spread his purple papers all over the floor in little heaps as he sorted them out and my return was greeted with howls of anguish from The Owner, implying that my muddy paw prints were not welcome over his second set of printing.

Well I couldn't stop!!! Once I had trodden on the slippery glossy paper I definitely couldn't stop! There then followed much angst as he had to change the ink cartridges, particularly the purple ink as it happened, so there was more ink on fingers etc. and more words I pretend not to understand. As it was me that slid on the paper, the ink smudges he left everywhere automatically became my fault too (although I don't follow the logic with that one). It was a good job he had more paper and an even bigger good job that the ink delivery hoomun had turned up that morning too or that would have been my fault as well. Extra printing done and handed over and not so much as a peep from the printer so far today so I am hopeful of a quieter day.

Organic Matter in The Boot

This morning I am in the poo….. deep poo!

When I read that back it may have been a good choice of phrase, really. You may recall recently how I recently managed to hide The Owner’s corkscrew in his boot for him to find, thereby averting the eye of suspicion from myself? Well this morning I was out on patrol before daylight and happened upon something which was vaguely organic and extremely interesting at the top of the garden. But as it was still too dark to be sure of the exact origin or composition of this organic matter I decided to take it indoors where the light is better for a closer look. In the mornings, The Owner can sometimes be described, (at best) as unpredictable and I thought he had poured his tea and was settling down in front of the TV to shout at the presenters and guests on BBC Breakfast. It somehow makes him feel better and more able to cope with the rest of the day I have noticed. This morning was different and when I returned to the cottage and in through the boot room door he was coming back into the kitchen with a dirty mug from last night and was about to pour his tea. He must have had a small preliminary rant at the TV and that had delayed him. Either way I really couldn't afford to upset the start of his day by getting caught with something in my mouth which The Owner would not approve of, so I dropped it quick behind his boots. Well, when I say behind them I really meant on them. Or more accurately kind of like…. well…. in them with just a tail hanging over the side really. I know; I know what you’re thinking but it was all I could think of on the spur of the moment. After tea, toast and his bath, it was time for him to face the world, as he likes to put it (he gets that from Owners Daughter). This was where the day went rapidly downhill for all concerned! The Owner grabbed his boots and paid no attention to what was watching him over the top of his boots and plunged his foot into the depths of his boot. Unusually he even got it on the right foot first time! There was that second or two that seemed to go in slow motion as I could watch the message go from his foot to the brain, “Hello Brain, Foot here; yes, something seems to be kind of squidging up between the toes!” During those seconds I frantically searched for anywhere that would act as a bolthole and could only find a dining chair which offered little in the way of protection from the wrath which then came my way. He has also worked out by association that I may have been behind the whole corkscrew incident too. It has been a particularly silent walk to the studio this morning and I have a feeling this is going to be a very long day.

And I never got the opportunity to identify what I left in his boot either!