Oh Saints preserve us! The things I have to put up with! Now if that grey thing says one more time "Hey dog, don't I look cute." There will be one more item on the lunchtime menu than previously planned.
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
That annoying little grey thing with an attitude!
Oh Saints preserve us! The things I have to put up with! Now if that grey thing says one more time "Hey dog, don't I look cute." There will be one more item on the lunchtime menu than previously planned.
A Sporty Weekend
Well what a weekend of "sport" we've had! He sat there yesterday afternoon watching the noisy cars and I sat with him as I tried to understand what was going on. Ok, so he had a Bonio in his pocket which was the main reason for my attentiveness but I did watch the cars as well.
Now as far as I could understand, these very noisy cars, so loud that they had to wear these big hats, presumably to keep the noise out, drive for about a hundred and fifty miles and get right back to where they started and then jump about with great excitement that they haven't really got anywhere! Try as I might, I could not see where their dog would sit in those funny cars! With that done and still mystified, I thought the cricket over at the cricket pitch would have been his next target but no, I was wrong! The pack of cans of beer I had spotted in the fridge was not for the cricket but for another game of foopall on the telly. He's videoed me selecting a Bonio from a coloured box and is claiming I predicted the result and that is being sent to the papers this morning. I am guessing he is going to delete the ten other videos where I "predicted" the other team would win. There was so much shouting at the ref going on that I couldn't get to sleep so I went over and watched the cricket, a much more peaceful game I felt and I was also wary of bringing the ball back for them after the somewhat negative reaction I had the last time I tried. So I curled up and enjoyed a good snooze. When I woke up they'd all gone! All alone in the middle of a very large field I was, and it was getting dark. The foopall was finished when I got back and so all the shouting was finished, his beer cans were empty and he was asleep! Mind you I think the shouting was a little quieter than the snoring so I stuck my nose in his ear. He woke up quite quickly and got all grumpy. Equilibrium restored!
Now as far as I could understand, these very noisy cars, so loud that they had to wear these big hats, presumably to keep the noise out, drive for about a hundred and fifty miles and get right back to where they started and then jump about with great excitement that they haven't really got anywhere! Try as I might, I could not see where their dog would sit in those funny cars! With that done and still mystified, I thought the cricket over at the cricket pitch would have been his next target but no, I was wrong! The pack of cans of beer I had spotted in the fridge was not for the cricket but for another game of foopall on the telly. He's videoed me selecting a Bonio from a coloured box and is claiming I predicted the result and that is being sent to the papers this morning. I am guessing he is going to delete the ten other videos where I "predicted" the other team would win. There was so much shouting at the ref going on that I couldn't get to sleep so I went over and watched the cricket, a much more peaceful game I felt and I was also wary of bringing the ball back for them after the somewhat negative reaction I had the last time I tried. So I curled up and enjoyed a good snooze. When I woke up they'd all gone! All alone in the middle of a very large field I was, and it was getting dark. The foopall was finished when I got back and so all the shouting was finished, his beer cans were empty and he was asleep! Mind you I think the shouting was a little quieter than the snoring so I stuck my nose in his ear. He woke up quite quickly and got all grumpy. Equilibrium restored!
Psychic Jack
Does anyone like octopus? Throughout the latter parts of this foopall ,since The Owner realised that this strange looking animal had gained some fame for predicting outcomes of foopall matches a long way away, (I think they must be playing near Swindon somewhere) he's been putting down little boxes with funny colours draped over them and a Bonio inside and taking pictures as evidence.
He's tried ringing every newspaper in the area looking for one who's daft enough to believe I can predict who puts most balls in the net thing and do the silliest dance afterwards. Hey! Two boxes, two Bonio's, no problem! Nothing clever about that, get the closest one first and then on to the other as quickly as possible before he changes his mind. I'm very good at predicting F1 results, Moto GP, horse races, cricket, hockey, and the odd game of scrabble and tiddlywinks as well. Bring on the Bonio's!
He's tried ringing every newspaper in the area looking for one who's daft enough to believe I can predict who puts most balls in the net thing and do the silliest dance afterwards. Hey! Two boxes, two Bonio's, no problem! Nothing clever about that, get the closest one first and then on to the other as quickly as possible before he changes his mind. I'm very good at predicting F1 results, Moto GP, horse races, cricket, hockey, and the odd game of scrabble and tiddlywinks as well. Bring on the Bonio's!
Monday, 5 July 2010
Working From Home
We've been home this afternoon, me and The Owner. He spent all morning telling everyone that he was going to be working from home for the afternoon. I wondered what that meant exactly but soon found out. We got throught the door and he quickly changed into his old gardening clothes, poured himself a very large glass of something and went and sat on the patio.
After he'd finished that he went rummaging in the back of the shed and emerged with a triumphant smile on his face and a gallon of fence treatment in one hand, the label of which was so old it had "By Appointment to His Majesty The King" on it and an old brush in the other. I am thinking that this was not quite what he was implying by working from home. So he starts painting the fence with this stinking paint stuff and I go indoors for a lay down. I keep checking on him every once in a while, just to make sure he's doing it right and after a while he comes wandering back in with an empty glass in his hand, presumably looking for more wine. Suddenly there is a right rumpus going on in the kitchen! He's shouting and using words that would make his mother blush! So I went to investigate. Well I have no idea how all that smelly fence stuff got all over my tail!!!! But I do however, have a very good idea how it got up every door and cupbord in the kitchen and dining room. I think I'm going up to the woods at the top of the garden and hiding behind the barbecue for a while.
After he'd finished that he went rummaging in the back of the shed and emerged with a triumphant smile on his face and a gallon of fence treatment in one hand, the label of which was so old it had "By Appointment to His Majesty The King" on it and an old brush in the other. I am thinking that this was not quite what he was implying by working from home. So he starts painting the fence with this stinking paint stuff and I go indoors for a lay down. I keep checking on him every once in a while, just to make sure he's doing it right and after a while he comes wandering back in with an empty glass in his hand, presumably looking for more wine. Suddenly there is a right rumpus going on in the kitchen! He's shouting and using words that would make his mother blush! So I went to investigate. Well I have no idea how all that smelly fence stuff got all over my tail!!!! But I do however, have a very good idea how it got up every door and cupbord in the kitchen and dining room. I think I'm going up to the woods at the top of the garden and hiding behind the barbecue for a while.
The Badgers Came Visiting
Oh dear! He has not had a good start to the day! Well I've been trying to tell him for ages that there are badgers in the garden at night and despite his admonishing of me for digging little holes in the lawn, it isn't me! Last night they kept me awake with their grunting and snuffling around the back door to the boot room.
All night they were out there carrying on like a load of hoomuns at a barbie. This morning, I feel like I haven't slept a wink, mainly coz I haven't, and The Owner comes bouncing down the stairs all fresh and perky. Let's me out of the boot room and then opens the back door for me to go out for my pee before breakfast. Well I'm not going out there, there may be badgers still about and I may be brave but I'm not stupid! Rolling in their poo is one thing but actually meeting one, face to face, not going there! He was intent on me going for a pee and was trying to evict me from the back door and I kept digging my heels in and sitting down or rolling over on my back. Anything but have to go out there. So he strides purposefully outside as if to show there was nothing to be afraid of and puts his bare foot straight in a dollop of badger poo left just outside the back door. There then followed much 'yucking' and 'phewing' as he tries to scrape it off his foot and from between his toes and tries desperately to find someone to blame for his predicament. I'm guessing that I am not going to find a way of persuading him on the benefits of rolling in badger poo just yet!
Sunday, 4 July 2010
More Stinky Flowers!
Oh man that garden! The rose (yuk and phew) is in another flowering apparently but it has got a bit cunning and only flowered up high where I can't pee! The lavender (double yuk and phew!) is stinking the neighbourhood out and round the back of the cottage the Jasmine is in full flower but that is on the shed roof and try as I might I cannot get to pee that high and believe me I have tried! So many smells in the same garden and not one of them good! He, The Owner, is wandering around in heaven spouting nonsense about the 'perfume'! I am keeping a low profile today whilst I scheme and plot a way of damping down the stench from these flowers of the devil! Meanwhile I will content myself with peeing all over the lavender (double yuk and phew) whilst I work out my next move!
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Caffeine poisoning!
Well, it was a long day, I was right about that and I think today could be just as long for a different reason. By 06:00 his first report and demo of a software system was on its way to someone, not sure who and I'm not sure he did either by the confused e-mail he has had this morning.
By 09:00 he was starting to feel the effects of dragging himself out of bed so early. He seemed to reason that he could do the early starts when he was driving so there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to now! Hello?!?! That was ten years ago! Time is a bitch when it comes to clouding the mind over what we can still achieve. I used to be able to outrun any dog around here a couple of years ago but I couldn't out run the jaws of Lady Chocolate Lab when she took exception to my amorous advances the other night! By 10:00 he was starting to fall asleep over the keyboard with the mouse in his hand and then coming to with a jolt as his head started to fall. The mouse jolted as well and moved files and folders all over the place. He still can't find some of them. Then he started on the strong coffee! By lunch time he had so much caffeine in him he couldn't keep his hands from shaking! Now this morning he is having to explain away the rather manic e-mails he was sending to everyone all afternoon and the sometimes embarrassing misspellings of several crucial words in them! Last night he had to explain why he managed to send three pints and two packets of peanuts scattering all over the bar, all on different occasions, where his hands were shaking so much. Fortunately he has come down off the manic ceiling and I am today looking forward to the first Postman's delivery for a while. I must behave! I must behave! I must behave......
By 09:00 he was starting to feel the effects of dragging himself out of bed so early. He seemed to reason that he could do the early starts when he was driving so there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to now! Hello?!?! That was ten years ago! Time is a bitch when it comes to clouding the mind over what we can still achieve. I used to be able to outrun any dog around here a couple of years ago but I couldn't out run the jaws of Lady Chocolate Lab when she took exception to my amorous advances the other night! By 10:00 he was starting to fall asleep over the keyboard with the mouse in his hand and then coming to with a jolt as his head started to fall. The mouse jolted as well and moved files and folders all over the place. He still can't find some of them. Then he started on the strong coffee! By lunch time he had so much caffeine in him he couldn't keep his hands from shaking! Now this morning he is having to explain away the rather manic e-mails he was sending to everyone all afternoon and the sometimes embarrassing misspellings of several crucial words in them! Last night he had to explain why he managed to send three pints and two packets of peanuts scattering all over the bar, all on different occasions, where his hands were shaking so much. Fortunately he has come down off the manic ceiling and I am today looking forward to the first Postman's delivery for a while. I must behave! I must behave! I must behave......
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