Last night was a very strange hoomun type of experience for me when The Owner and I went to the pub. Unusually it didn't involve The Owner falling in a ditch or the pond (still got lots of water in that). We had to escort Recycling Lorry Driver home from the pub!
We were sat there minding our own business, wearing my brand new lead (pub rules) that the Owner made by tying several odd scraps of baler twine together just before we came out, as I tried to use my powers of suggestion to get people to throw me the odd scrap of food from their plates. Not one! Not a sausage or even a little bit of fat from a juicy steak! Mainly coz The Owner kept telling them all that I preferred my dried food when we get home! Has he been sniffing something again?!?! Let me think..... dried food.... juicy steak......Hummmmmm No, definitely the steak! I was beginning to wish all of their armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels when Recycling Lorry Driver announced to the world, or at least that bit of it which was prepared to listen to him, that he was going to walk home with us. The Owner made some lame excuse that he was going to take me for a quick walk over the fields on the way back but Recycling Lorry Driver was having none of it and he wanted to walk back with us. The Owner always says that, I have no idea why because we always walk straight home to light the fire and put the telly on but it makes him sound energetic I guess. Anyway we got outside the pub and The Owner was talking to Recycling Lorry Driver and he just said Ooooooh! Aaaaaargh! and when we turned to see what he was Oooooooooohing about, he was gone! Nowhere to be seen! Vanished! And not even a ditch in sight! His bag was still on the ground where he had been standing but he was gone and I was beginning to suspect the same space aliens that emptied the pond, but The Owner noticed a foot with a boot attached sticking out of the hedge and after much tugging we got the rest of him back through the hedge. The Owner had to hold him up all the way back to his place! I had a great responsibility in all this as well, I had to carry Recycling Lorry Drivers bag home. I don't think I was too keen on this kind of hoomun behavior and I shall find something disgusting to do when next asked to carry a bag, just to make sure. It was far too heavy for a dog with breeding such as myself. We had to stop at every fencepost or gatepost all the way home. Not for me to wee up them you understand, but for Recycling Lorry Driver to be ill over. I think I'll avoid those posts when next on patrol that way for a while. You can't be too sure can you? I did notice this morning that his van hadn't moved, perhaps he fell through the hedge into the field from his garden path. I'll check later.... or maybe tomorrow, in case he has been ill again!
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Thursday, 24 February 2011
The Builder Hoomun on a Wet Day
You may have noticed that it was raining yesterday. I know this to be true because when I came in from my first early morning patrol (which is little more than a dash up the garden to relieve the pressure slightly before demanding my breakfast) The Owner was particularly anxious that I didn't get too close to his short fat hairy legs.
I feel it my duty to rise to such a challenge and managed to rub a lot of the rain drops on my coat against his legs. That which I couldn't get onto him I stood brhind him and shook off, half of it went up his back, to shrieks of delight, and the remainder went up the door and wall. I have such simple pleasures in life! I am not digressing yet as the rain is important to my story. It was a wet day in Compton Bassett and I was settling down under the desk having chosen to defer my morning patrol, hopeful of a morning snoozing in the warm and dry, when the door burst open! Well, I say burst, but in reality it is becoming more of a fight with a sticking door which the uninitiated can easily lose. I suspect what followed was something to do with Manor Hoomun (The Owner's landlord) losing just such a fight with the door the previous day. There followed much drama from Manor Hoomun and a long sit down in the comfy seat and a very large measure of The Owners brandy he got from the airport on his trip abroad recently. This was followed by much telephone action and the arrival yesterday morning of Builder Hoomun. The one who did the work down at the cottage last year. The door was wide open and lots of banging and scraping as sawdust and rain covered everything including me! Well he was working away near my biscuit bucket, which also got covered in sawdust, so I tried very hard with my little 'give me a biscuit' dance. To no avail! So I tried a bit harder. Still to no avail! Then he shouted something like "Geroutofitheway Mutt". I have no idea what it meant but I gather from his general demeanor that I wasn't popular with him. So he chased me out of MY office! I didn't think that was a good thing to do so I ran around the back of his van and wee'd in his tool bag and then went up into the calf sheds out of the way. A quick sniff round unearthed something rather unpleasant and very organic which even I would not have rolled in so I took that down and left that for Builder Hoomun in the back of his van. I feel a point was made!
I feel it my duty to rise to such a challenge and managed to rub a lot of the rain drops on my coat against his legs. That which I couldn't get onto him I stood brhind him and shook off, half of it went up his back, to shrieks of delight, and the remainder went up the door and wall. I have such simple pleasures in life! I am not digressing yet as the rain is important to my story. It was a wet day in Compton Bassett and I was settling down under the desk having chosen to defer my morning patrol, hopeful of a morning snoozing in the warm and dry, when the door burst open! Well, I say burst, but in reality it is becoming more of a fight with a sticking door which the uninitiated can easily lose. I suspect what followed was something to do with Manor Hoomun (The Owner's landlord) losing just such a fight with the door the previous day. There followed much drama from Manor Hoomun and a long sit down in the comfy seat and a very large measure of The Owners brandy he got from the airport on his trip abroad recently. This was followed by much telephone action and the arrival yesterday morning of Builder Hoomun. The one who did the work down at the cottage last year. The door was wide open and lots of banging and scraping as sawdust and rain covered everything including me! Well he was working away near my biscuit bucket, which also got covered in sawdust, so I tried very hard with my little 'give me a biscuit' dance. To no avail! So I tried a bit harder. Still to no avail! Then he shouted something like "Geroutofitheway Mutt". I have no idea what it meant but I gather from his general demeanor that I wasn't popular with him. So he chased me out of MY office! I didn't think that was a good thing to do so I ran around the back of his van and wee'd in his tool bag and then went up into the calf sheds out of the way. A quick sniff round unearthed something rather unpleasant and very organic which even I would not have rolled in so I took that down and left that for Builder Hoomun in the back of his van. I feel a point was made!
Friday, 18 February 2011
Lady Chocolate Lab, Again!
Last night The Owner went out and I only just managed to squeeze in to the back of Noisy Car Owner's car. There was barely room for a box of Bonio's in there! So we went off out and when we got there I thought I may have recognised the place from before, although in the back of the car with paws and gear sticks going where paws and gear sticks were never intended to go it was difficult to be sure.
So when Noisy Car Owner and The Owner got out I unfolded myself and got out of the back of the car. There were some lights there so I could now see that the reason why it was difficult to see where the seats were in the back was that there were no seats! Is this more space alien theft? Not sure yet! We wandered in to this building and I still felt I had been here before at some point and then I realised there were women everywhere with tea cups and biscuits. I think I am going to like this place! Then I realised where I had recognised this place from! I have been here before, this was where I met Lady Chocolate Lab! There was the same two ladies at the front telling everyone stuff about Aunts, Uncle's and Grandad's etc and one of them even told The Owner about his Grandad although I didn't know The Owner had one of them, I've never met him. Then the door at the back of the room opened..........and through the forest of legs...........looking as good as ever...............was............Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. I was beside myself with excitement! They told The Owner that they would throw us both out if I did it again. Even The Owner was behaving a little strangely at the sight of Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. When we went home later we had to go back in Noisy Car Owner's car so I'm not sure if Lady Chocolate Lab is going to come and see us or not.
So when Noisy Car Owner and The Owner got out I unfolded myself and got out of the back of the car. There were some lights there so I could now see that the reason why it was difficult to see where the seats were in the back was that there were no seats! Is this more space alien theft? Not sure yet! We wandered in to this building and I still felt I had been here before at some point and then I realised there were women everywhere with tea cups and biscuits. I think I am going to like this place! Then I realised where I had recognised this place from! I have been here before, this was where I met Lady Chocolate Lab! There was the same two ladies at the front telling everyone stuff about Aunts, Uncle's and Grandad's etc and one of them even told The Owner about his Grandad although I didn't know The Owner had one of them, I've never met him. Then the door at the back of the room opened..........and through the forest of legs...........looking as good as ever...............was............Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. I was beside myself with excitement! They told The Owner that they would throw us both out if I did it again. Even The Owner was behaving a little strangely at the sight of Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. When we went home later we had to go back in Noisy Car Owner's car so I'm not sure if Lady Chocolate Lab is going to come and see us or not.
Monday, 14 February 2011
I've Got a New Post I Have
I need to report that the telegraph pole has been replaced - with a new one - with not a drop of wee on it.
A situation which I did my best to remedy but my effort was not appreciated by the space aliens in the white lorry with the funny stuff on the roof. Well they hadn't quite finished filling the hole up with dirt before I got to it. It may have had something to do with aim being a little off as well but I believe that was just a side issue. I think they may have been a little miffed that I got to wee up it before they did; you never know with space aliens!
A situation which I did my best to remedy but my effort was not appreciated by the space aliens in the white lorry with the funny stuff on the roof. Well they hadn't quite finished filling the hole up with dirt before I got to it. It may have had something to do with aim being a little off as well but I believe that was just a side issue. I think they may have been a little miffed that I got to wee up it before they did; you never know with space aliens!
The Space Aliens stole my post!
There has been little worthy of report these last few days. Get up - get fed - go on patrol - come back - go to work - pond still full - come home - get fed- sleep and then do it all again the next day, until yesterday. Well the day started normally enough and as we came home for lunch there was a white lorry parked near my telegraph post with some complicated looking thing on its roof.
I claim ownership of the post only in that it is the one I always wee up, which applies to most telegraph posts and fence posts and anything which isn't moving at the time I guess. I regarded the two hoomuns in the lorry with particular suspicion. Mainly because they didn't throw me any crusts from their sandwiched as we passed. But in the fullness of time how right I was! I am beginning to suspect further space alien activity here. We went home and The Owner made himself a sandwich as normal, and then proceeded to devour the whole darn thing! He never even so much as drops a crumb that I might have a sniff at! When we started our shuffle back down the road to work you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The white lorry was gone...............and so was the telegraph post!!! All that was left was a deep, round hole just a little larger that the post was. I had a quick sniff but could think of nothing to explain it other than the lorry must have been a spaceship and it is clearly fueled with telegraph poles! That is what I think happened! So I wee'ed in the hole to be on the safe side anyway and went back to the office for a quick snooze whilst I considered the matter.
I claim ownership of the post only in that it is the one I always wee up, which applies to most telegraph posts and fence posts and anything which isn't moving at the time I guess. I regarded the two hoomuns in the lorry with particular suspicion. Mainly because they didn't throw me any crusts from their sandwiched as we passed. But in the fullness of time how right I was! I am beginning to suspect further space alien activity here. We went home and The Owner made himself a sandwich as normal, and then proceeded to devour the whole darn thing! He never even so much as drops a crumb that I might have a sniff at! When we started our shuffle back down the road to work you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The white lorry was gone...............and so was the telegraph post!!! All that was left was a deep, round hole just a little larger that the post was. I had a quick sniff but could think of nothing to explain it other than the lorry must have been a spaceship and it is clearly fueled with telegraph poles! That is what I think happened! So I wee'ed in the hole to be on the safe side anyway and went back to the office for a quick snooze whilst I considered the matter.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Dog Lady Opposite's Unexpected Visit
Well, we have oil, and after a lot of swearing at the boiler, we have heat as well. Which means he will have to put away the milk and butter from the kitchen work surfaces where they appear to have taken up residence in recent days.
So on his awakening this morning he comes down the stairs wearing very little and singing and telling no one in particular how warm it all is indoors today. Frankly, I preferred it when it was cold and he had several shirts, jumpers and fleeces on. Apart from when he went looking for his 'special fleece'...... Well I needed something a little extra in the boot room coz it was reeeeeely really cold at night!
Some mornings Dog Lady Opposite comes over, if she is taking her pack out for a long walk, and takes me with them. I like that coz I get a Bonio when we get back and a rub down with a warm towel. Have I mentioned that I like Bonio's? Anyway, whilst he is flouncing around the dining room telling me how warm it is indoors and extolling the virtues of the very efficient new boiler (the same one he was swearing at yesterday!), Dog Lady Opposite bursts through the front door to get my lead and take me with her! There then followed a very bizarre scene. The Owner stood in the middle of the dining room with a cushion, the only thing he could grab at such short notice, covering his embarrassment. Dog Lady Opposite looking him only in the eyes. Both carrying on a conversation about gravel extraction (the topic of much village conversation lately), as though this was perfectly normal behaviour! I suspect the heating may be turned down a little tonight somehow!
So on his awakening this morning he comes down the stairs wearing very little and singing and telling no one in particular how warm it all is indoors today. Frankly, I preferred it when it was cold and he had several shirts, jumpers and fleeces on. Apart from when he went looking for his 'special fleece'...... Well I needed something a little extra in the boot room coz it was reeeeeely really cold at night!
Some mornings Dog Lady Opposite comes over, if she is taking her pack out for a long walk, and takes me with them. I like that coz I get a Bonio when we get back and a rub down with a warm towel. Have I mentioned that I like Bonio's? Anyway, whilst he is flouncing around the dining room telling me how warm it is indoors and extolling the virtues of the very efficient new boiler (the same one he was swearing at yesterday!), Dog Lady Opposite bursts through the front door to get my lead and take me with her! There then followed a very bizarre scene. The Owner stood in the middle of the dining room with a cushion, the only thing he could grab at such short notice, covering his embarrassment. Dog Lady Opposite looking him only in the eyes. Both carrying on a conversation about gravel extraction (the topic of much village conversation lately), as though this was perfectly normal behaviour! I suspect the heating may be turned down a little tonight somehow!
Oil Delivery Man and the Snake
It was a strange morning yesterday looking back on it. We got up first thing in the morning to a cottage as cold as could be, still no heating oil, and The Owner went to the fridge to get his milk for his morning tea. It was at that point that I heard the closest thing to a grumble since he has returned that I have yet to report. He thought that the fridge had broken down.
Well if anyone were to ask for my opinion I could have told him it was still working. I am the one who has to put up with it whirring and gurgling all night long as it stands right beside my bed. Now as I understand it, the fridge is designed to keep it's contents at a constant low temperature. However, if the temperature outside it i.e. in the boot room, is lower than the fridge is normally set to, it's going to feel warm in the fridge!
Now I have to point out, in my defence, that I have never been there when Oil Delivery Man comes to deliver. He puts some oil in the tank and then comes to see The Owner in the office and they then have a cup of tea and talk about lorries and diesel and stuff whilst The Owner pretends to know what he is talking about and then The Owner pays Oil Delivery Man some money and after he gives me a Bonio, he goes on his way. So generally, I like Oil Delivery Man! Yesterday morning I heard Oil Delivery Man's lorry turn up quite early and I was still at the cottage, so I went out the back door and round to the front to say hello. When I got there all I could see was a huge black snake disappearing after him around the corner. Well he was my friend! So I felt he needed protecting and so I launched myself upon this snake with great enthusiasm. It struggled and pulled to try and get away so I bit it harder and tried even harder to pull it away from my friend. Just as I managed to bite a bit of its skin off it gave up struggling and Oil Delivery Man appeared looking a little flustered from round by the tank. I thought he was going to be so pleased at my efforts to protect him. However The Owner was summoned and I get the feeling that once The Owner has bought him a new hose we may have to get a new Oil Delivery Hoomun. Well how was I to know?!?!?! It was a very quiet day at the office apart from some very loud stares from The Owner periodically.
Well if anyone were to ask for my opinion I could have told him it was still working. I am the one who has to put up with it whirring and gurgling all night long as it stands right beside my bed. Now as I understand it, the fridge is designed to keep it's contents at a constant low temperature. However, if the temperature outside it i.e. in the boot room, is lower than the fridge is normally set to, it's going to feel warm in the fridge!
Now I have to point out, in my defence, that I have never been there when Oil Delivery Man comes to deliver. He puts some oil in the tank and then comes to see The Owner in the office and they then have a cup of tea and talk about lorries and diesel and stuff whilst The Owner pretends to know what he is talking about and then The Owner pays Oil Delivery Man some money and after he gives me a Bonio, he goes on his way. So generally, I like Oil Delivery Man! Yesterday morning I heard Oil Delivery Man's lorry turn up quite early and I was still at the cottage, so I went out the back door and round to the front to say hello. When I got there all I could see was a huge black snake disappearing after him around the corner. Well he was my friend! So I felt he needed protecting and so I launched myself upon this snake with great enthusiasm. It struggled and pulled to try and get away so I bit it harder and tried even harder to pull it away from my friend. Just as I managed to bite a bit of its skin off it gave up struggling and Oil Delivery Man appeared looking a little flustered from round by the tank. I thought he was going to be so pleased at my efforts to protect him. However The Owner was summoned and I get the feeling that once The Owner has bought him a new hose we may have to get a new Oil Delivery Hoomun. Well how was I to know?!?!?! It was a very quiet day at the office apart from some very loud stares from The Owner periodically.
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