The Very Important Business Meeting

Last night we had to go out for an "important business meeting". To the pub since you ask! Now I have never been on an important business meeting before, I usually get left in the car outside, so I didn't quite know what to expect. It seemed to consist of some bloke coming in and saying to The Owner "Right mate?", to which The Owner replied "Right John?" They then bought each other a drink and sat and talked a lot of nonsense for an hour and then two more drinks - each - and then more nonsense talked. By the end "Right John?" had changed to "You're alright John!" only said in a rather slurred fashion which I am unable to convey properly in the written word. Then, oh the embarrassment! With him lolling over the bench unable to sit up straight and telling everyone in the pub he loves them, in walks Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner! I couldn't hide or disassociate myself from him as I am attached by a lead. Oh the embarrassment! He gets up to buy Lady Chocolate Lab Owner a drink, puts his hand in his pocket to get some money out and drops all his change on the floor. Tells everyone in the pub "It's alright!", like they cared anyway, bends down to pick it up, lurches forward where he lost his balance and knocks the bar stool over which knocks the next one, which knocks the next one etc. At which point my mate Vic R enters the pub, presumably to save a few souls from eternal damnation to see a bar stool flying through the air towards him. Vic R had to have a lie down before being escorted back to his car and The Owner was escorted from the pub and told to go home. Oh the embarrassment! They were also trying to blame me for mud on the floor, I would draw your attention first to my paws in exhibit one (attached) and then to the state of The Owner's shoes. The denfence rests m'Lud! I haven't seen The Owner yet this morning and I am not anticipating I will for quite a while!

World Book Night

Last night being Saturday night The Owner, when he left the office turned left out of the gateway and headed to the pub. He had also grabbed my lead on the way out of the door which is another good clue as to what is going to happen. He has found my proper lead now so I don't have to use that 'New one', he made from a number of bits of bailer twine all cobbled together. I have to use a lead when we go there (pub rules) but oh that was so embarrassing! Doesn't he understand I have breeding? Imagine what would have happened if Lady Chocolate Lab had turned up and seen me wearing that!!!! Fortunately we have the good one back again so all is well. We were sat there minding our own business when I had a fear that Strange Lady with the Bags, who you may remember from before when she took up residence in the bus shelter by the village hall, was coming through the door. This hoomun and lady hoomun from down near our end of the village came struggling in with a suitcase full of books and spread them out over one of the tables. Now, The Owner usually uses books for throwing across the room at me, or at least he did before he was in hospital when he was grumpy, so I kept a particularly wary eye on Book Hoomun. Well it would seem that it was World Book Night last night, (I'm not sure if that is good or not yet) and Lady Book Hoomun told everyone who couldn't escape quick enough all about it and insisted they take a book home with them. Well I was beginning to suspect a lot of K9 cruelty across the area last night with the number she was giving out to other hoomuns but it seems that there is another use for them. If you choose, you can read with them as well as throwing them across the room at the family K9.

Good job I had my glasses with me really!

The Demise of The Tennis Courts

Yesterday on my early morning patrol up the garden I saw Big Yellow Digger Driver go down the driveway to the manor. But breakfast was beckoning and had to take priority so I made a mental note to self to include the manor gardens in my mid morning patrol, not out of noseyness you understand, just a need to know everyone's business.

Now I know that Manor Hoomun is away at the moment as I heard him tell The Owner the other day, but I reckon he is going to be terrible mad when he gets back and I really wouldn't want to be around to see it. Behind the hedge in at the back of my garden is the manor tennis court. It doesn't get used so very much these days but it does have high fences all around it and is very useful when Manor Hoomun's grand kids come round in the summer, it's like a big play pen for them and it keeps them out of my way. Last summer whilst The Owner was heaven knows where and I was living round at the manor I did manage on one occasion to round up a few more and then kick the gate shut on my way back out. It was very peaceful for a while, if you could ignore the screams from the grandkids shut in the tennis court, until Lady Manor Hoomun came to see what the commotion was about. I was always a bit suspicious of that young one as her bum rustles when she walks and then even more so when she told Lady Manor Hoomun it was me that locked them in. Lady Manor Hoomun gave me a particularly withering stare! I digress. Big Yellow Digger Driver. When I got round to see what he was doing round there you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! He had driven through the fence and was digging up the tennis court!!!! Manor Hoomun may well be sending him to the boot room when he returns! I didn't stay around for too long just in case he came back and thought I may have been in some way responsible. I took myself straight back to the office and under the desk out of the way for the rest of the day. I didn't get much sleep yesterday, it was all very worrying!

Diesel Dog Visits Again

The Owner was giggling to himself all morning and every time he looked at me there was great mirth and laughter. The kind of laughter you get when everyone else has noticed something you have done or are about to do and you haven't yet. The kind of laughter which usually precedes me making a fool of myself again.

All he would say was "Your world is going to get turned upside down today Jack m'boyo" and then much more laughter. I did check in the mirror several times but there was no evidence of breakfast or dead badger stuck in my teeth. You may recall that the weather was warm and the sun was out so I curled up quietly on the prickly mat in the porch and dreamed of running and woofing and stuff like that. Nearly woke myself up several times! I heard a car pull up outside but assumed it was Postman and thought I would have one more quick snooze in the sun before getting up and launching myself down the garden path to protect my territory when there was one hell of a commotion going on and this demonic demented badger launched itself through the gate and up the garden path, over the top of me and into the kitchen. Having taken a quick trip around the kitchen it emerged with two empty tuna tins in it's mouth and looking suspiciously like Diesel Dog. As I came more to my senses I realised it must have been as Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman were also getting out of the car. This means an afternoon of manic running up and down the back garden path for no apparent reason I guess. I have to warn now that any attempt by Diesel Dog to climb onto my cushion will be met with an opinion, although fortunately at the moment he seems more intent on bringing all the empty tuna tins from the recycling box back into the house, hotly pursued by Diesel Dog Daughter and Very Strange Woman.

Recycling Lorry Driver's Journey Home

Last night was a very strange hoomun type of experience for me when The Owner and I went to the pub. Unusually it didn't involve The Owner falling in a ditch or the pond (still got lots of water in that). We had to escort Recycling Lorry Driver home from the pub!

We were sat there minding our own business, wearing my brand new lead (pub rules) that the Owner made by tying several odd scraps of baler twine together just before we came out, as I tried to use my powers of suggestion to get people to throw me the odd scrap of food from their plates. Not one! Not a sausage or even a little bit of fat from a juicy steak! Mainly coz The Owner kept telling them all that I preferred my dried food when we get home! Has he been sniffing something again?!?! Let me think..... dried food.... juicy steak......Hummmmmm No, definitely the steak! I was beginning to wish all of their armpits were infested with the fleas of a thousand camels when Recycling Lorry Driver announced to the world, or at least that bit of it which was prepared to listen to him, that he was going to walk home with us. The Owner made some lame excuse that he was going to take me for a quick walk over the fields on the way back but Recycling Lorry Driver was having none of it and he wanted to walk back with us. The Owner always says that, I have no idea why because we always walk straight home to light the fire and put the telly on but it makes him sound energetic I guess. Anyway we got outside the pub and The Owner was talking to Recycling Lorry Driver and he just said Ooooooh! Aaaaaargh! and when we turned to see what he was Oooooooooohing about, he was gone! Nowhere to be seen! Vanished! And not even a ditch in sight! His bag was still on the ground where he had been standing but he was gone and I was beginning to suspect the same space aliens that emptied the pond, but The Owner noticed a foot with a boot attached sticking out of the hedge and after much tugging we got the rest of him back through the hedge. The Owner had to hold him up all the way back to his place! I had a great responsibility in all this as well, I had to carry Recycling Lorry Drivers bag home. I don't think I was too keen on this kind of hoomun behavior and I shall find something disgusting to do when next asked to carry a bag, just to make sure. It was far too heavy for a dog with breeding such as myself. We had to stop at every fencepost or gatepost all the way home. Not for me to wee up them you understand, but for Recycling Lorry Driver to be ill over. I think I'll avoid those posts when next on patrol that way for a while. You can't be too sure can you? I did notice this morning that his van hadn't moved, perhaps he fell through the hedge into the field from his garden path. I'll check later.... or maybe tomorrow, in case he has been ill again!

The Builder Hoomun on a Wet Day

You may have noticed that it was raining yesterday. I know this to be true because when I came in from my first early morning patrol (which is little more than a dash up the garden to relieve the pressure slightly before demanding my breakfast) The Owner was particularly anxious that I didn't get too close to his short fat hairy legs.

I feel it my duty to rise to such a challenge and managed to rub a lot of the rain drops on my coat against his legs. That which I couldn't get onto him I stood brhind him and shook off, half of it went up his back, to shrieks of delight, and the remainder went up the door and wall. I have such simple pleasures in life! I am not digressing yet as the rain is important to my story. It was a wet day in Compton Bassett and I was settling down under the desk having chosen to defer my morning patrol, hopeful of a morning snoozing in the warm and dry, when the door burst open! Well, I say burst, but in reality it is becoming more of a fight with a sticking door which the uninitiated can easily lose. I suspect what followed was something to do with Manor Hoomun (The Owner's landlord) losing just such a fight with the door the previous day. There followed much drama from Manor Hoomun and a long sit down in the comfy seat and a very large measure of The Owners brandy he got from the airport on his trip abroad recently. This was followed by much telephone action and the arrival yesterday morning of Builder Hoomun. The one who did the work down at the cottage last year. The door was wide open and lots of banging and scraping as sawdust and rain covered everything including me! Well he was working away near my biscuit bucket, which also got covered in sawdust, so I tried very hard with my little 'give me a biscuit' dance. To no avail! So I tried a bit harder. Still to no avail! Then he shouted something like "Geroutofitheway Mutt". I have no idea what it meant but I gather from his general demeanor that I wasn't popular with him. So he chased me out of MY office! I didn't think that was a good thing to do so I ran around the back of his van and wee'd in his tool bag and then went up into the calf sheds out of the way. A quick sniff round unearthed something rather unpleasant and very organic which even I would not have rolled in so I took that down and left that for Builder Hoomun in the back of his van. I feel a point was made!

Lady Chocolate Lab, Again!

Last night The Owner went out and I only just managed to squeeze in to the back of Noisy Car Owner's car. There was barely room for a box of Bonio's in there! So we went off out and when we got there I thought I may have recognised the place from before, although in the back of the car with paws and gear sticks going where paws and gear sticks were never intended to go it was difficult to be sure.

So when Noisy Car Owner and The Owner got out I unfolded myself and got out of the back of the car. There were some lights there so I could now see that the reason why it was difficult to see where the seats were in the back was that there were no seats! Is this more space alien theft? Not sure yet! We wandered in to this building and I still felt I had been here before at some point and then I realised there were women everywhere with tea cups and biscuits. I think I am going to like this place! Then I realised where I had recognised this place from! I have been here before, this was where I met Lady Chocolate Lab! There was the same two ladies at the front telling everyone stuff about Aunts, Uncle's and Grandad's etc and one of them even told The Owner about his Grandad although I didn't know The Owner had one of them, I've never met him. Then the door at the back of the room opened..........and through the forest of legs...........looking as good as ever...............was............Lady Chocolate Lab and Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. I was beside myself with excitement! They told The Owner that they would throw us both out if I did it again. Even The Owner was behaving a little strangely at the sight of Lady Chocolate Lab Owner. When we went home later we had to go back in Noisy Car Owner's car so I'm not sure if Lady Chocolate Lab is going to come and see us or not.