The Rules of Fishing

Yesterday, after the fight with the flypaper I learned about fishing. I have never been fishing before but I have to confess I am still at a bit of a loss about the rules of fishing. The Owner, Pub Landlord and Recycling Lorry Driver went fishing at the lake which wasn't very far from here and I have to question myself as to why my patrols have never lead me to it before.

We all arrived at the lake and the three hoomuns got fishing rods out of the car which looked really interesting. The Owner managed to win the "tying lots of knots competition", which I thought would please him but he seemed a bit disappointed to have won. Maybe there are better competitions to come! They all attached a funny coloured stick to the end of the string and then tied a worm to the end of that. Then they threw it in the lake!!! All was quiet for a while and then as they all sat down with a beer from The Owner's cool box and watched where they had each thrown their sticks. Well I couldn't quite work out what the floating stick was meant to do so I jumped in and swam out for a closer look. Well I really don't understand what I did wrong but they all started shouting at me! After about an hour of watching his floating stick and worm in the lake The Owner started fidgeting until in the end he got up and left his stick and worm in the lake and went to find someone to talk to. After he had gone I noticed something very strange, the stick which was floating in the water suddenly wasn't, it had sunk! The it popped up again before sinking right out of sight! Then The Owner's fishing rod, which he had left on the bank, suddenly took off and started swimming across the lake before it too dived below the surface. I thought this must all be part of the game so I sat and watched as it kept popping up all across the lake whilst The Owner was talking to Pub Landlord. When at one point the rod popped up near where The Owner was standing he got very excited and started saying some very rude words! I thought that discretion was going to be the better part of valour on this occasion and went and sat in the car. I felt I probably wasn't going to get too much blame for his fishing rods going swimming if I was in there. When we got back to the pub they put me on a bit of old string which smelled far too strongly of fish for my liking and was not up to my usual standard of lead, I have breeding I do and that implies certain standards! I have to confess I was a bit surprised when they started telling the other hoomuns about events coz I don't remember there being a fish in there as big as they were saying. Although if there is, it has probably got a fishing rod trailing behind it.

On Fly Papers

Oh man, I am in a right pickle here! It all started innocently enough; we have a bit of a problem here at the moment with flies. Now believe me when I say they are a pain! They can even bite through my fur, and through The Owner's trousers which I think indicates either a very brave or very stupid fly. They have become such a nuisance desperate measures were called for.

The Owner rummaged around in one of his draws for at least an hour, (well it seemed like it at the time alright?) and produced, finally, a rolled up fly paper. Well I think he should have pinned it up first and then unrolled it, but would he listen to me? Oh no! It first got stuck to the hairs on his arm and in trying to remove it from there he got it stuck to his shirt. Pulling it off that it got stuck to his right hand. Teasing it from his right hand his leg became stuck to it and then it all fell down again together with The Owner. Removing it from his hand by standing on it meant it was stuck to his foot and he walked around for a while like that lady at the pub with the loo roll the other day. Eventually he got it removed from every part of his anatomy that it had tried to attach itself to and re-attached to the ceiling above his desk. To start with the flies had clearly not been told how to use one properly as in the first three hours not a single fly had landed on it and just to rub salt into his wounds I saw six flies copulating on the desk. Now this morning I was busy at the keyboard myself entering up my blog and stuff when the damn thing came down again. All over me, as you ask! I now have glue all over the keyboard and it looks something like the carpet in the mornings after the slug that no one can find has been wandering around the office all night. There is a vast amount of fly glue all over me as well, my paws and claws are covered as well and to cap it all the fly paper was still empty but they are landing all over my back and sticking!!

Lack of Mobile Signal in the Orchard

The Owner gave me a bit of a fright last night. The Owner gives me a bit of a fright most nights to be honest but this was one he hasn't managed before! After a hard days snoozing under the desk I was understandably tired and so went for a bit of a snooze on my comfy cushion.

When I woke up, it was getting towards dark so I went for a quick patrol, mainly to see where The Owner was and what he was up to. All his normal places had drawn a blank so I opted for a quick trip to see Phlee Dog Owner as The Owner sometimes has a habit of getting lost over there and coming back very late and smelling strangely of drink. If all else fails she is a dead push-over when it comes to liberating one of those doggy treat pigs ears from the box on the work top and I was getting a bit peckish. Wandering up through the cherry orchard on my way to the gap in the hedge, I rounded a tree and was scared out of my wits! In the half light this big clump of grass suddenely spoke to me!!! There he sits in the near dark, among the long grass, "Communing with nature" and scaring me half to death. Then the reason became clear! Nothing to do with any communion, natural or otherwise. More to do with there being no mobile signal in doors and his home phone being in bits and spread across the heater trying to dry out looking decidedly tea stained (and I had nothing to do with that! I'd just like to make that point). Apparently to go with the big matching stain across the carpet. I left him up there waving his head around as he tries to get enough signal to make a call. As I left I could hear him saying again, "Hello....Hello...... Can you here me? No, the signal isn't very good here. Hello..... Hello..... Damn, lost the call!" No surprise there then!

Burnt Toast and Fire Alarms

I'm in the boot room. He is not. He is just being a drama queen! I can hear him in there on the phone, the list he has researched on the internet so far extends to NHS Direct, St John Ambulance, the local doctor and the Samaritans.

He came grumbling down the stairs early again this morning and made himself some tea and put the toast on. Whilst I went off on my first patrol of the morning he went and sat down and started rummaging through the heap of papers from yesterday clearly looking for something particular. When I returned there were flames licking the underside of the grill and the dining room floor was covered in scattered newspaper. The Owner was sat on the sofa in the dining room asleep. I thought, "Any moment now the smoke alarm will have it's morning exercise and make it's normal row, as it does every morning when he does his toast", but until then I may as well get up on the sofa and snuggle up for a few moments. Now when Owner's Sister came up, her spaniel thing with too many opinions got up on the back of the sofa and laid along the back and I have seen other dogs do the same in pictures, so I thought I'd give it a go myself. Just as I got up there and was trying to work out how to lay down on it, the smoke alarm went off. It made me jump a little even though I was expecting it and my claws couldn't hold me fast and they slid down the side of the sofa. Well it's only a little scratch down his back!!!! No blood to speak of!!!!!! I think it may have been made worse by when he stood up, his head disappeared into the layer of toast smoke and he got a little disorientated. I was sent to the boot room which I think is the safest place. I can hear him in there now speaking to Air Sea Rescue. It's going to be a long day!

The Owner's Sunday Paper

Today has been one marked by certain achievements on my part of which I feel justifiably proud. The Owner and I went to a barbecue last night although with two other dogs, who are my work day friends, the scope for the odd dropped sausage or burger were a little limited.

This morning, very early, he was up again. Now this always worries me after his little disappearing act but after he had his cup of tea we wandered down the road to the office. On a Sunday! He opened up his computer and then shouted very loudly at the screen and then shut all the doors and we went home for breakfast. He was probably tired after last night! Now that seemed, on the face of it, a bad start to the day. But, it all looked much better when a car pulled up outside as I was sat under the hedge. It was the man delivering the phone directory! Oh you should have seen the look on his face when I fired up the big guns as he crept up to the front door trying not to make any noise. He looked like he had more legs than me as he tried to get back to the gate as I put my tail in the air and left him to it. After The Owner fell asleep watching the noisy cars he got up and went outside and I fell asleep myself. I was woken up by another car pulling up outside, such a busy day I thought as I chased off another man delivering leaflets. Two in one day!!! Now awake I wandered off up the garden to find The Owner and stumbled upon him on the lawn, laid on a towel, glass of wine beside him and newspaper spread before him. Well I know how grumpy he gets if I lay on his towel so I ran up and tried to lay on his paper. Well he wasn't laying on it! So he threw me off it. So I jumped back on it. So he pushed me off it again. This time I stuck my nose in his ear as I jumped back on his paper. We arrived at a compromise and I was allowed to sit on the adverts page as long as I didn't leave any stains or smears. Once I had managed to roll on his paper and scrunch it up completely he seemed to loose interest and threw it in the bin with what I thought may have been a touch of a paddy. He must be suffering from last nights barbecue I think.

Parcel Shelves - What are they, What do they do? Discuss!

Perhaps I should first explain. When The Owner had a car, before he disappeared last year, I rode in the back. I like riding in the back, it's my favourite! He would normally open the tailgate and I would jump in, ok, there were one or two rapid changes of plan, when, half way through the jump, I would realise that the back of the car was already full of heaven knows what! In which case I would have to ride in the foot well on the passenger side at the front. But I like cars and that's the way I ride in them!

Now, back to the story in hand. I was sat in the garden watching a bee trying to land on my nose which as everyone knows is a particularly tiring activity, when a black car pulled up outside. I thought at first that The Owner had got a car again but no, it was Owners Sister! She got out of the car followed by a little spaniel thing that had far too many opinions than was good for him in my mind...........and a horse! She said it was a dog, called Millie, but if I explain that I could almost run underneath her without breaking stride you'll understand my reasons for believing her to be a horse. It was then that my little faux pas occurred. The car door was left open and ever hopeful of a little trip out somewhere....... anywhere really, so I hopped in! I thought I had better be a little nippy about it or else I may have been rumbled, so I jumped (in a very athletic manner I thought) from the front seat to the back seat and then without slowing, over the back seat to get into the boot.......... Now I have never come across a parcel shelf in a car before and I am guessing I may not come across that one again, judging by the way that what was left of it after The Owner helped me out of the car, was shovelled up and into the dustbin. Does anyone have a spare parcel shelf for a black car like the one The Owner used to drive? I may have a use for it!

My Cushion Returns

You will, I am sure, feel as relieved as I was that I eventually get my comfy cushion back from being ruined. Now you will be asking asking yourself as to exactly how or why it has taken him so long to return it to me after this ruinous process. He first stole it from me and then woke the washing machine up far too early in the month for what it has become accustomed to. It promptly had a hissy fit and pumped water all over the kitchen floor which he blamed me for as it was my hair that had blocked the filters. After his efforts at baling out the kitchen from soap and slightly hairy water and aided by two glasses of red wine he forgot about my cushion. I, however, was constantly reminded by the hardness of the floor! He was reminded when the smell of damp washing, left too long in the washing machine, came wafting through from the kitchen, so it had to be washed over again. This time he remembered to get it out of the machine but instead of just putting it in the tumble dryer so I could have it back again, he opted to dangle it over the fence to dry. It rained that night! Being made of foam it had absorbed most of the rain from the surrounding fields by morning and so had to go back in the machine again. Again placed on the fence to dry it attracted the unwelcome attentions of Pigeon, who landed on it and gave it the full benefit of his abilities in the "pooing on The Owner's car " department. Back in the washing machine again after an accusing stare was directed towards me (like I had anything to do with that!). This time it was put straight into the tumble dryer as I had thought it ought to have been right at the start. I don't like to mention that I was right all along, but I think I was! So this morning, after much ado about nothing, I was presented with my clean Comfy Cushion. Clean, that is, if you regard the smell of "spring blossom" as being clean. I am currently looking for a suitable something to roll in and then roll on the cushion to restore the equilibrium a little.