The Owner Plays Golf

Yesterday afternoon The Owner received a phone call which seemed to induce much excitement and good humour as he quickly locked up the studio and we shuffled off down the road towards the cottage. There then followed much rummaging at the back of his wardrobe util he re-emerged, triumphant, holding up a pair of very strange shoes. Bright colours with tassels and spikes on the bottom.

They looked quite dangerous to me and I was not about to try and sniff them, mainly coz there was a lot of cobwebs in them and presumably several spiders, both of which have made my nose itch when sniffed at in the past. After a bit more rummaging he liberated a pair of the brightest patterned trousers I had ever seen! I need to watch this as I think more of his bizarre hoomun behaviour was going to follow. I was right, we went to play golf! Now I have never been to play golf before and judging by what followed The Owner hasn't either. I sat and watched carefully as all The Owners friends hit their little white balls down the strip of short grass. The Owner's first swing missed! Not the short grass; but the ball. It stayed resolutely on top of that little red spike he had pushed in the ground and balanced it on. Third attempt and he connected to the ball, which disappeared into the trees and the long grass. And as his friends disappeared out of sight hitting their little white balls as they went, The Owner was rummaging around in the grass looking for his. He also got shouted at for getting in the way of the group (who, by the way, were wearing the same strange colourful trousers as he was) that was following behind. I was curious, as I sat watching, as to exactly why he was searching for his ball over there when it was lying between my paws where it had landed. I tried to help! When he looked over in my direction I picked it up so he could see where it was. Well there was no need to say rude words like that!!!!!! I was only trying to help!!!! I don't understand hoomun ball games at all. My ball games are simple, you throw ball, I fetch it....you throw ball, I fetch it......you throw ball, I get fed up and wander off, you fetch ball. Simples! Then Grumpy Man with Hat came up and told The Owner he was causing an obstruction and asked him to leave the course. As we wandered back to the club house I was getting the distinct vibe that I was not popular over something. He may be sickening for something again I think. When we got home he threw his brightly coloured trousers in the washing machine along with one or two other items, put the soap and other stuff in all the right holes and poured himself a large glass of wine and went and found "somewhere to unwind". I couldn't help but feel, as I sat watching the machine trying to fill up, that all that water would have been better off inside it and it wasn't supposed to be flooding out from underneath and across the kitchen floor and on into the dining room. I'd go and attract his attention, but I don't want to get wet paws. When it gets to the living room door he'll probably notice.

Space Aliens!!!!

This weekend I have struggled a little. Small Boy went home with Strange Woman and the peace left behind in his wake was almost deafening. Our patrols were back to the regular mooch around the farm again, as opposed to the running at breakneck speed behind his bike for several miles, once an hour, on the hour.

Then on Sunday morning, just after the sun came up, The Owner is up and on the go with dish washers, washing machines and my nemesis The Dyson. Now this is normally the precursor to a visit from Owners Daughter but something about his demeanour said that was not going to be the case. Machines all fed and Dyson caged in the cupboard under the stairs again, a cup of tea for The Owner was in order, so we went and sat down and watched the very fast and VERY noisy bikes on the telly. They seem to me to be a bit like the very fast noisy cars we also watch on the telly as they go round and round the same roads and never seem to get anywhere. The Owner says it must be their Sat Nav although I am not sure what one of them is or if I should have one. After watching this for half an hour I went and sat out the front in the sun and then.... well....you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! Two of those very fast and VERY noisy bikes pulled up outside. I was a bit wary to be honest and was a bit reluctant to go out and have an opinion on the matter. I had my suspicion that they may have been space aliens on the back of them!!! They had arms and legs, much like other hoomuns but they had shiny faces where their eyes should be! I was very glad The Owner was there for once! Then one of the space aliens took off its head!!!!! Oh saints preserve us I thought, this is going to be a messy day! But underneath its head was Owners Sister, had it eaten her? Then the other two space aliens took their heads off. One appeared to be Owner's Niece and the other, Mechanic. Perhaps they had all been eaten?! Well the space aliens took the rest of their skins off and all three looked deceptively normal and they gave me several Bonios so they couldn't be all that bad. Later, they put their space alien skins and heads on again and got back on their very fast and VERY noisy bikes and went up the road. I stood there for some time after they had left to see if they were like the ones on the telly and came round again but I didn't see them. So the big question is, did I see space aliens? Or were they really Owner's Sister, Owner's Niece and Mechanic? And if they weren't space aliens where was Spaniel with far too many opinions and Horse? I think I need to go and have a lie down.

Exercising with Small Boy

We have had Small Boy with us for the week so I have been a little preoccupied. Trying to understand Small Boy is even harder than trying to understand The Owner and I am quite worn out by the experience. I am also worn out by the exercise!! Me and The Owner have a very settled life normally.

The odd upset that I may have thrown into the mix (because I can, ok?) but generally life is very ordered. We get up and avoid the carious calamitous goings on, if at all possible, that could signal the start of a bad day for The Owner and a quick patrol around the farm as we head for the studio. Then snooze until lunchtime when a quick shuffle up the road to the cottage before returning to the studio for more snoozing until it's time to go for an evening patrol and then home for tea. Alright, the evening patrol may involve a trip up the road via the pub but I can live with that. Small Boy arrives and we have walks three times a day with him as well as normal patrols with The Owner. Then yesterday he, Small Boy, has developed this new plan of putting my on a long lead and taking me off with him on long bike rides!!! The first one at ten yesterday morning was a bit of fun, but I had barely time to say "Bonios three times a day would be nice please!" when we're off for the eleven o-clock and one at twelve and again at two... well you get the picture. I have hidden all my leads in the calf sheds this morning before Small Boy appears from his pit. I think strange woman is coming today to collect him so I can get some rest tomorrow. Do they do Ralgex for dogs?

The Rules of Fishing

Yesterday, after the fight with the flypaper I learned about fishing. I have never been fishing before but I have to confess I am still at a bit of a loss about the rules of fishing. The Owner, Pub Landlord and Recycling Lorry Driver went fishing at the lake which wasn't very far from here and I have to question myself as to why my patrols have never lead me to it before.

We all arrived at the lake and the three hoomuns got fishing rods out of the car which looked really interesting. The Owner managed to win the "tying lots of knots competition", which I thought would please him but he seemed a bit disappointed to have won. Maybe there are better competitions to come! They all attached a funny coloured stick to the end of the string and then tied a worm to the end of that. Then they threw it in the lake!!! All was quiet for a while and then as they all sat down with a beer from The Owner's cool box and watched where they had each thrown their sticks. Well I couldn't quite work out what the floating stick was meant to do so I jumped in and swam out for a closer look. Well I really don't understand what I did wrong but they all started shouting at me! After about an hour of watching his floating stick and worm in the lake The Owner started fidgeting until in the end he got up and left his stick and worm in the lake and went to find someone to talk to. After he had gone I noticed something very strange, the stick which was floating in the water suddenly wasn't, it had sunk! The it popped up again before sinking right out of sight! Then The Owner's fishing rod, which he had left on the bank, suddenly took off and started swimming across the lake before it too dived below the surface. I thought this must all be part of the game so I sat and watched as it kept popping up all across the lake whilst The Owner was talking to Pub Landlord. When at one point the rod popped up near where The Owner was standing he got very excited and started saying some very rude words! I thought that discretion was going to be the better part of valour on this occasion and went and sat in the car. I felt I probably wasn't going to get too much blame for his fishing rods going swimming if I was in there. When we got back to the pub they put me on a bit of old string which smelled far too strongly of fish for my liking and was not up to my usual standard of lead, I have breeding I do and that implies certain standards! I have to confess I was a bit surprised when they started telling the other hoomuns about events coz I don't remember there being a fish in there as big as they were saying. Although if there is, it has probably got a fishing rod trailing behind it.

On Fly Papers

Oh man, I am in a right pickle here! It all started innocently enough; we have a bit of a problem here at the moment with flies. Now believe me when I say they are a pain! They can even bite through my fur, and through The Owner's trousers which I think indicates either a very brave or very stupid fly. They have become such a nuisance desperate measures were called for.

The Owner rummaged around in one of his draws for at least an hour, (well it seemed like it at the time alright?) and produced, finally, a rolled up fly paper. Well I think he should have pinned it up first and then unrolled it, but would he listen to me? Oh no! It first got stuck to the hairs on his arm and in trying to remove it from there he got it stuck to his shirt. Pulling it off that it got stuck to his right hand. Teasing it from his right hand his leg became stuck to it and then it all fell down again together with The Owner. Removing it from his hand by standing on it meant it was stuck to his foot and he walked around for a while like that lady at the pub with the loo roll the other day. Eventually he got it removed from every part of his anatomy that it had tried to attach itself to and re-attached to the ceiling above his desk. To start with the flies had clearly not been told how to use one properly as in the first three hours not a single fly had landed on it and just to rub salt into his wounds I saw six flies copulating on the desk. Now this morning I was busy at the keyboard myself entering up my blog and stuff when the damn thing came down again. All over me, as you ask! I now have glue all over the keyboard and it looks something like the carpet in the mornings after the slug that no one can find has been wandering around the office all night. There is a vast amount of fly glue all over me as well, my paws and claws are covered as well and to cap it all the fly paper was still empty but they are landing all over my back and sticking!!

Lack of Mobile Signal in the Orchard

The Owner gave me a bit of a fright last night. The Owner gives me a bit of a fright most nights to be honest but this was one he hasn't managed before! After a hard days snoozing under the desk I was understandably tired and so went for a bit of a snooze on my comfy cushion.

When I woke up, it was getting towards dark so I went for a quick patrol, mainly to see where The Owner was and what he was up to. All his normal places had drawn a blank so I opted for a quick trip to see Phlee Dog Owner as The Owner sometimes has a habit of getting lost over there and coming back very late and smelling strangely of drink. If all else fails she is a dead push-over when it comes to liberating one of those doggy treat pigs ears from the box on the work top and I was getting a bit peckish. Wandering up through the cherry orchard on my way to the gap in the hedge, I rounded a tree and was scared out of my wits! In the half light this big clump of grass suddenely spoke to me!!! There he sits in the near dark, among the long grass, "Communing with nature" and scaring me half to death. Then the reason became clear! Nothing to do with any communion, natural or otherwise. More to do with there being no mobile signal in doors and his home phone being in bits and spread across the heater trying to dry out looking decidedly tea stained (and I had nothing to do with that! I'd just like to make that point). Apparently to go with the big matching stain across the carpet. I left him up there waving his head around as he tries to get enough signal to make a call. As I left I could hear him saying again, "Hello....Hello...... Can you here me? No, the signal isn't very good here. Hello..... Hello..... Damn, lost the call!" No surprise there then!

Burnt Toast and Fire Alarms

I'm in the boot room. He is not. He is just being a drama queen! I can hear him in there on the phone, the list he has researched on the internet so far extends to NHS Direct, St John Ambulance, the local doctor and the Samaritans.

He came grumbling down the stairs early again this morning and made himself some tea and put the toast on. Whilst I went off on my first patrol of the morning he went and sat down and started rummaging through the heap of papers from yesterday clearly looking for something particular. When I returned there were flames licking the underside of the grill and the dining room floor was covered in scattered newspaper. The Owner was sat on the sofa in the dining room asleep. I thought, "Any moment now the smoke alarm will have it's morning exercise and make it's normal row, as it does every morning when he does his toast", but until then I may as well get up on the sofa and snuggle up for a few moments. Now when Owner's Sister came up, her spaniel thing with too many opinions got up on the back of the sofa and laid along the back and I have seen other dogs do the same in pictures, so I thought I'd give it a go myself. Just as I got up there and was trying to work out how to lay down on it, the smoke alarm went off. It made me jump a little even though I was expecting it and my claws couldn't hold me fast and they slid down the side of the sofa. Well it's only a little scratch down his back!!!! No blood to speak of!!!!!! I think it may have been made worse by when he stood up, his head disappeared into the layer of toast smoke and he got a little disorientated. I was sent to the boot room which I think is the safest place. I can hear him in there now speaking to Air Sea Rescue. It's going to be a long day!