The Elephants Saggy Bottom

Today has not been the best start to a day for somebody at the cottage! You may have noticed, if you live nearby, that the day started with wind and heavy rain and The Owner was up remarkably early. Both of which have proved dangerous in the past and so it was an ominous start to the day at the cottage. By seven o-clock this morning The Owner was on his second pot of tea and had found no-one on the BBC News to shout at and so was starting to fidget. Eventually the large heap of ash under the log grate in the fireplace became the object of his attentions and he pounced on it with great enthusiasm. I had a certain interest in the contents of the grate as well, I remember a bit of a chicken sandwich getting thrown on there the other day and I was curious to see if there was any left that might be suitable for a quick chomp. The Owner filled a large bucket with ash, no sign of the chicken sandwich, and stood up to take it out. Well, I will concede that I may have not been standing in the best place in the world to not get in his way, but throwing the ash all over the carpet was a little extreme! He frowned very loudly at me as he cleared up HIS mess, so I took myself off to the boot room. When he opened the front door to take the bucket of ash out I noticed there was still something glowing in the ash bucket. He opened the lid of the wheelie bin and threw the ash in and immediately disappeared in a fog of ash picked up by the gusty wind. You remember I said it was raining this morning? That was not just a space filler, he was already covered in a lot of rain drops and his hair was still damp from his shower. Ash has a kind of magnetism all of its own when it comes to rain and damp hair I have noticed, and this proved the theory. He looked quite a picture stood in the doorway with heaps of ash on his shoulders and his hair resembling one of the zombies on a Michael Jackson video! The second shower of the day restored his hair a little but not his temper and I suspect it may get a little worse later on. I feel sure you shouldn't put ash with glowing embers in a plastic wheelie bin and that may have something to do with why the side of the wheelie bin now resembles a saggy elephants bottom and is appearing to be smoking from under the edges a little! I think this story may not yet have finished!

The Owner's Negative Vibe

I am getting a distinctly negative vibe from The Owner this evening! I would just like to point out that it was not me who left HIM on his own all afternoon. Random freestyle patrols are not as easy this time of year because the studio door is not habitually open, so when he jumps up just before lunch and announces that it is time for me to have a wee, I was not about to argue. As I scampered quickly back, after having "performed" in the paddock near the piglets, I noticed a car parked near the studio door. I bounded in, hopeful of a Bonio for my efforts, when the door was slammed behind me and I was abandoned to my devices as The Owner jumped into his friends car and they were gone!. Abandoned I was. And not even a Bonio by way of consolation! Several hours later. How many Jack, I hear you say. Several hours later... he returns, laden with boxes and bags and an attitude. Well I was pleased to see him when he came staggering through the studio door, smelling of pubs and drink as you ask, so I jumped around a lot with an excited air about me to greet him. Well, OK, so I may have jumped up at him a little bit. Nothing serious, you understand, not even a muddy paw for the white shirt. Certainly nothing to justify the exaggerated fashion in which he threw his bags and boxes to the floor. And why, I wondered was that bag now leaking stuff all across the track which looked suspiciously like Baileys to me? And how was that my fault? And why didn't I get a Bonio to say he was pleased to see me either? I will be finding a small square on the carpet in front of the fire this evening with which to form a close bond. One where I can't hear his sighing and tutting as he keeps looking at an empty glass and then at me.

Revenge is Best Served Very Cold

There is a hoomun phrase I believe, about revenge being a dish best served cold? Today it was served very cold and I had no part in it, although if K9's could laugh out loud I would have been laughing very loudly! There may be those who remember The Owner's unkind mirth at my predicament last year when I discovered the downside to trying to run on ice not thick enough to take the weight of a slim and very fit K9 of my stature. This morning The Owner was remarkably chipper when we left the cottage as normal and wandered in the general direction of the studio. There then followed much patting of pockets and jackets which normally precedes a return walk back to the cottage. Glasses, phone and keys retrieved from the dining room table where he had left them, we started our journey again, only this time he was stopping and taking pictures of frost on the grass and trees and stuff like that. Then his attention was caught by the pond, which given the frost we have seen these last two days had a layer of ice over it. The Owner went to the edge of the pond and kicked at the ice a little, it didn't break. So he tentatively put a foot on the ice and pressed down, it still didn't break! So he put both feet on and stood there with the kind of satisfied smug look on his face that a hoomun child may have when they first discovered that legs are for standing with. His day then took several rapid turns for the worse as he suddenly slid across the ice and fell on his backside on a bit of ice which was apparently not capable of supporting such a weight or shock and gave way with a strange crunching splash. One of which I was all too familiar myself last winter. The Owner looked a picture and one which I wished I could have used his phone to take.... except it was in the pond with him and now is refusing to co-operate on any level. The Owner squelched his way home again, apparently devoid of his former good humour with which he started his day. He is now dry, with his phone in bits spread across the radiator and is grumbling about everything so I think I will make myself scarce for the rest of the day.

The Too Pay!

I have experienced some very strange hoomun behaviour this afternoon. It would be no surprise to learn that it was The Owner who was responsible for the strange hoomun behaviour I guess. This particular strange behaviour was when The Owner was telling me off but laughing at the same time. Well, more of a chuckle really. After lunch The Owner was banging furiously away at the keyboard when a car pulled up outside. A hoomun got out and knocked on the studio door. The observant among you may have noticed it to have been a little gusty outside today and as Visitor Hoomun opened the studio door half his head fell off!! Well you could have knocked me down with an empty Bonio box! The wind had blown the top of his head right off!! Then I happened to notice a rabbit lying on the floor at his feet, well it looked like a rabbit anyway. I am a retriever, I retrieve things. Things like rabbits. So I picked it up and brought it back to The Owner, who didn't seem to want it. Told me to take it away. Then Visitor Hoomun shouted loudly at me so I ran off up to the calf sheds with my rabbit. Visitor Hoomun seemed particularly vexed about something so I ran harder to get away from him. The Owner was now joining in the pursuit too which was a strange sight to behold and they were both shouting about a "Too Pay". I was now forming the opinion that K9's are not supposed to retrieve a "Too Pay" so I dropped it where I stood. The calf sheds are nearing the point where they require cleaning out so they were a little deeper than normal in organic matter which is apparently not something that hoomuns like to see on a "Too Pay" I have learned. The Owner arrived and picked up the "Too Pay" between thumb and fore finger and offered it back to Visitor Hoomun, who despite all his shouting didn't seem pleased to see it back. The Owner then exhibited this strange behaviour I mentioned, telling me I am a naughty K9 for running off with a Too Pay, whilst at the same time appearing to be laughing loudly inside his head. Too Pays are apparently not for K9's I have learned today!

Jamie's Fifteen Minute Meal - The Owner Stylee!

Today The Owner is like a badger with a sore head! Last night, he was late with his dinner and I think that is the reason behind it. After he gets all soft and emotional over watching Strictly Come Dancing and offering his own critique on their dancing talents in a manner that would give the unenlightened an impression that he actually could dance himself, he was inspired to create one of Jamie's 15 minute meals. You know, the ones that Jamie Oliver cooks in a tidy kitchen and takes 15 minutes, the rest of the hoomun world takes at least an hour (The Owner takes two hours) and the kitchen is like a bomb has hit it. Oven was turned on and spices and herbs are lavished on the poor unsuspecting chicken, when it gets slammed in the oven. He set the timer, poured himself a large glass of something and flopped back in to his armchair. The kitchen was gently filling with the customary smoke when the timer went off and he rushes out and puts the oven light on and peers in through the glass door. To my simple understanding of the hoomun art of burning perfectly good food, it looked little different to when he put it in. The Owner clearly thought so too, as he set the timer for another hour. Hour up, you couldn't see across the kitchen but the chicken looked, well, kinda raw really. It was at this point that he opened the oven, which was still cold. So where was the smoke coming from? That would be from the other oven then! The smoke? That would be from the fat in a roasting dish forgotten about in the other oven from last week sometime then, also in the other oven. I feel sure that's why he is like a badger with a sore head. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the boot room door not being closed properly last night and me deciding to ask him if it was time to get up yet when Dairy Hoomun started the pumps on the dairy early this morning. It certainly wasn't the cold nose under the duvet up the back of his legs either.

The Owner Gets Wet!

Saturday we went out! Not the out which appears to be otherwise known as the village hall, but a proper "out", a long way away. On this out we both got wet, me and The Owner, I did it deliberately when I discovered a new village pond. A very large village pond. And The Owner seemed displeased for the rest of the day so I guess he didn't mean to get so wet. We got up very early, which is always a bad sign, and went to the station. Station Manager Hoomun wasn't even up it was so early! Which was probably for the best as I had made up my mind that any comments referring to me as "That Dog" were going to be met with a swift and decisive response on my part. Once, you can forgive them for not noticing my obvious breeding, I have had to endure it twice now, but a third I felt would be one step beyond what I was prepared to put up with. I think I must have dozed off at one point on the train as it went very dark and my ears went funny and hurt a little. The Owner told me it was ok as "That was the severn". Well I must have missed the other six! Eventually we got to a place which I think was called Swansea and me and The Owner walked a little. I think it must have been near Lundun as after a few hundred yards I felt "the urge" and The Owner produced a plastic bag and picked it up!!! I have noticed this strange hoomun behaviour in Lundun when we went before. What do they do with it?? Save it for later?? After a few minutes walking, on a lead since you ask, we got to this mahoosive village pond with funny walkways that seem to float! And boats! Lots of them!!!! There was this foopball floating in the village pond with a piece of string tied to it so I leapt forth to retrieve it. Well hello......I'm a retriever......I retrieve things!!! To be honest I hadn't allowed for the fact that someone appeared to have tied a boat to the other end of the piece of string. Nor for the fact that there didn't appear to be any banks for me to climb out on. The Owner seemed displeased that he had to reach over the edge and grab my lead and drag me out. A very undignified process and I am glad no one was watching! A bit further down the walkway we came across a boat with an engine running and a very jolly hoomun called Boat Hoomun on board. He seemed to know The Owner, so I hopped nimbly aboard. Ok I was dribbling quite a lot of water as I did so, but it was still nimble! Boat Hoomun gave me a digestive biscuit as he and The Owner had a mug of tea and The Owner regaled him with boating stories which I think happened to someone else and I suspect so did Boat Hoomun but we both went along with it. Tea finished, an air of great excitement came upon the boat and The Owner was instructed to "Cast Off!". Now, casting off seemed a very important job and, I also realise, quite dangerous. The Owner jumped off the boat onto the walkway and undid the bits of string that appeared to be holding us on and threw them, with a flick, onto the boat. I was quite proud of him really, he looked quite expert. Then he gave the boat a quick push which was where it all went wrong for him. I think he should have let go of the boat really..... or jumped on. He made a very large splash and had a great deal to say on the matter! They got him back on board the boat, but his morning continued to worsen. His jacket was very waterproof as it happened and under the circumstances kept quite a lot of water in his big pocket. He soon found it! Now you remember I said that he picked up my poo and put it in a plastic bag? You're ahead of me here aren't you? He didn't seem so impressed to find it again amongst the water in his pocket! The one thing which I still haven't worked out, how was that my fault???? He seemed very quiet for the rest of the day and a little disgruntled when Taxi Hoomun made him sit on a plastic mat on our way back from the station that night.

The Chair of The Devil

When he came back to the studio last night he didn't seem best pleased to be honest. It may have had something to do with his desk being on it's side and there being books, discs, coffee cups, cafetiere, and a variety of pens, letters and other bits of paper being spread all over the floor. Or maybe it was his chair which was also on it's side, perhaps. Or just the fact that I was hiding behind the water cooler and not bouncing around in eager welcome at his return which was causing his apparent displeasure. I tried desperately not to find out to be honest, as I reasoned it was not going to be very pretty when I did. Had I mentioned here that the water cooler I was hiding behind was also laying on it's side? He went out yesterday, only for a couple of hours. But before he went he had a small packet of chewey sticks that he was feeding me with in an absent minded moment of bonding. Suddenly his lift turned up and he was gone! Now in his absence my snifter was telling me there was still a chewey stick left on the desk so I was gainfully employed in trying for the next hour to find a way to get at it. Eventually, I opted to try and clamber on to his big black leather chair and then reach across to his desk so I started my journey. Front paws first and then one at a time, the back paws. It was a bit wobbly but I made it. Next step was to get the front paws on to the desk....... Well how on earth does he manage to sit on that chair without inflicting self injury???? I now realise that the office chair is of the devil, and has wheels and swivels and they all work!!!! Out of panic I dug my claws into the pad on his desk as the back half of me was still on the big chair of the devil as it wheeled and pirouetted its way across the studio floor, which was a mistake I think. That little bit of traction on the desk was enough to pull it with me to the floor.... together with anything that was on it...... and his chair..... the white board on the wall took a hefty thump from the chair and is not looking too firmly fixed anymore either. He is on the phone now to Office Water Cooler Lady Hoomun trying to convince them the damage is just wear and tear. Will someone please open that office door and let me out, the silence in here is deafening