A "Dyson Inch"

We have been working from home today! Which as far as I could tell involved putting up pictures and cleaning, but who am I to argue? I have Bonios!  After lunch a very jolly man from BT came and fixed The Owner's phone for him and I would just like to point out that I had absolutely no hand in breaking it (as far as I am aware). But by this time the damage had been done; The Owner had discovered a new way of mocking me and need I say more than it involves the ruddy Dyson! But not in the usual way of chasing me with it. I mentioned the dreaded "C" word,,,,,,,, cleaning. He was doing his bit flitting around the place with his duster and wearing that ridiculous pinnie with the bra and panties on the front and I am frankly relieved when he has finished his cleaning and takes it off again without having anyone come to the door. But inevitably his activity gets around to the ruddy Dyson, when he noticed something he hadn't noticed before and makes the most of it at my expense. There is now a new unit of measurement he has invented today, known as a "Dyson inch". After chasing round the carpets randomly he notices that the dust is at the bottom of the clear plastic thingy and my hair and other fluffy stuff, being lighter, is now well towards the top. He has reasoned that the dust is down to him and everything else is down to me. So he parades around holding the clear plastic bit of the Dyson like a glass of fine wine studying it and pronounces that there is just the one "Dyson inch" for him and one.... two......three....six "Dyson inches" for me! As if I am meant to feel guilty about it!!!!! Oh how I wish the vicar had called whilst he still had his pinnie on!!

My Weekend

This weekend has been one of great excitement and it's a job to know where to begin to be honest. At the beginning I guess? Saturday morning The Owner came grumbling down the stairs and after a brief shouting match with a recalcitrant toaster we headed for the studio. Nothing unusual so far you will be thinking I am sure. After a brief shouting match with his computer he grabbed some keys I haven't seen before, locked up the studio and and walked to the small car park and opened..... A van!!!!! I like vans for two reasons, 1) I can sit much higher on the seats, to a height befitting my status, and 2) ...... I can lick the windscreen!!!! The Owner had a strange smile across his face as he drove the van down the road, strange in that it doesn't happen so often. He even waved happily at Police Hoomun as we entered Devizes. He doesn't know Police Hoomun, but he waved anyway which caused a certain amount of puzzlement for Police Hoomun who then proceeded to check his buttons and zips just in case. We drove a long way along roads which were vaguely familiar to me, not in the weeing up posts kind of a way, just that I had seen them all before somewhere. After a long while during, which I cleaned most of the windscreen, and the side window (I did try and venture across The Owners side of the van at one point but it seemed less than favourably received and I didn't want to upset his seemingly happy disposition) we arrived at a house that I definitely hadn't seen before at the same time as Owners Biker Sister. You'll be pleased to know that this time she hadn't been eaten by a space alien! Then out of the house came Diesel Dog Daughter, so I wee'd on the plant by the front door which didn't seem to go down so well either. Further investigation revealed no evidence of Diesel Dog, so at least there would be no demented badger running, but it also revealed no evidence of anything at all. The house was empty!! Then there was a great amount of noise outside and a motorbike arrived with a different space alien on it. I have had some experience of these space aliens before and was a little less shocked when it took off its head, only this one appeared to have eaten Small Boy! 

It was all getting very disturbing to be honest so I went and sat in the corner and just watched. After their tea, during which I did not get even a sniff of any hoomun biscuit and they said it was for my own benefit (I think I should be the judge of that) they rushed around and got me very excited and then opened the back door. Well what do you do when you get all excited and someone opens the back door? You rush outside, that's what! I was duped I was! No sooner had I rushed outside in great excitement, than I heard the door close again behind me! Only no one was out there being excited with me! Duped I was !!!! After what seemed an age I was let back in again. I refused at first, in protest at being duped, but then someone mentioned a Bonio so they were all forgiven, obviously. When I returned inside, the previously empty house was now full of stuff and boxes which I was tempted to wee on but resisted. The Owner could see my confusion so offered some explanation by suggesting there had been a big beam of white light and all this stuff just appeared. He laughed very loudly at this but no one else did, so it was clearly one of his jokes again and I should really stop watching for further beams of white light full of boxes. 

There suddenly seemed to be great excitement outside and the door flew open as Diesel Dog launched himself through the door in a frenzy of demented badger running. He was on a lead, which seemed to be attached to an outstretched arm. The outstretched arm was in turn attached to an outstretched Diesel Dog Daughter who seemed to be joining in his demented badger running round and around the house, until The Owner rescued her and detached the lead from her arm and she sat down looking exhausted, with some cake this time. You will note that I still wasn't allowed any. Owners Biker Sister also wandered in with a soft toy under her arm, (one of those furry things with a squeaker inside it I thought) and put it on the carpet. I made note of it for future fun and play..... until it grew legs and started running around on its own! I have now met Nordstrom K9! It had far too much on its mind for my liking and I felt sure my ears were designed to help me hear. But I realise now they were intended only for Nordstrom to hang from! I can't quite manage mirrors but I feel sure if I could I would see in one properly I would now have a few rows of teeth marks in them that are strangely Nordstrom shaped. The van is such a peaceful place..... and free of Nordstrom and Diesel Dog as it happens, who was still running from room to room like a demented badger when we left some time later.

My Negative Opinion of Mouse

I have just developed a very negative opinion of Mouse! When The Owner has his tea, I get A BONIO! And a few Markies, but it's the Bonio that is important! We also have this game He likes to play where He throws a biscuit and then I have to sit and dribble a lot whilst I await the clearance to go and jump on the biscuit. Well, He throws the biscuit and I start the routine and give it my full attention.... And a lot of dribble. I only turned away for a moment, just to get a better look at Him and when I turned back Mouse was disappearing through the gap under the back door with MY BONIO!!! I will be going for a lie down in the old pig sty if any one wants me!

I Like Sundays

I like Sundays! Been on patrol with The Owner, found something vaguely organic to roll in, been chased with the hose pipe. Now I have to work on my relationship with my comfy cushion whilst trying not to relive my experiences of the day so vividly in my dreams that I start twitching violently and incur the mocking attentions of The Owner. I do like Sundays.

Having an Inspeckshun

Yesterday we had an inspeckshun at the new cottage! I have never had one of them before and was a little unsure of what to expect from it. We have now had the inspeckshun and to be honest I am still a little less than clear on what one of them is. For two days beforehand he has been plaguing me with that ruddy Dyson and a selection of buckets and mops. If it was shiny it has been mopped and if it was anything else then it was Dysonned. You can see my dilemma having both a a shiny nose and furry undercarriage but I managed to survive most of it. By teatime on the night before our inspeckshun even I could see the benefits of his efforts as the cottage and garden looked very nice and he flopped down on the settee with a glass of wine in one hand (and nothing in the other to be honest but I felt I ought to clarify that). One glass drank, he now has a bottle in the other hand and so another glass is poured and he was sat there eyeing up the remainder of the bottle when the boiler made its opinions known and started making some very strange noises. The Owner tried to ignore it but its opinions became louder and it started to make some very strange smells. The Owner went into the kitchen to investigate. Well I wasn't! I have never seen a boiler get into a paddy over anything and I was not sure what to expect. There was much swearing coming from the kitchen so I ventured to poke my nose around the corner and was somewhat alarmed to note that the boiler was wheezing black smoke and soot from every crack and fissure. The Owner went outside and spent a while looking up at the chimney which is where a lot of black snow seemed to be falling from. The evening was not going well! 

He tried to ignore it and concentrate on the matter in hand, his wine glass, but gave that up when his eyes were streaming so badly from the fumes that he looked like he had just watched an episode of DIY SOS. He gave in and turned the boiler off and in the morning Plumber Hoomun was summoned to give the boiler a stiff talking to. Plumber Hoomun brought in his vacuum cleaner which was not a ruddy Dyson, but he affectionately referred to it as Henry. So they must be friends (I thought). It got worse! Henry was about to be written off Plumber Hoomuns (and The Owners) Christmas card list as he burst his bag and sent clouds of black soot into the air only to settle on the kitchen floor, work surfaces and anything else which had a upward facing surface including me! With the air thick with soot, dust and profanities, there was a knock at the door and Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun turned up. The Owners day was going from bad to worse and although it was raining at the time he wandered off up the garden and sat under the tree on his bench with a mug of tea and left Inspeckshun Agent Hoomun and Plumber Hoomun to argue about the dust and soot in the new cottage. I did look through the door but the argument was still raging inside so I opted for the safer option and went and sat beside him in the garden. He was feeling a little subdued that afternoon which was ok as I did get an extra Bonio out of it, so the day turned out ok in the end. But I think I am in no particular hurry to understand inspeckshuns further!

The Scalded Fingers

This morning was an early start, particularly for a Sunday, and such things usually end badly for someone. Usually me as it happens! When The Owner hasn't had enough sleep his temper isn't at its best and then one of my little indiscretions unleashes much angst. I could have had no idea of the turn of events which would have resulted from this early rise on the the part of The Owner. It was well before Blackbird came and sat on the gutter above the porch door and starts shouting about his prowess in the lady department, when I heard the now customary descent of the stairs above me ending predictably with him missing the bottom step and joining the rack of DVDs at the foot of the stairs. Having recovered from his launch into the morning he came wandering through to let me out. I really must get the hang of this back door opening inwards! I am sure my head is getting a ridge down the side from my efforts at rushing through the door before it is quite open enough and squashing my head against the radiator. That was just the start of it and the only bit today which so far has involved me. He is on an economy drive again and although it is way before daylight, he doesn't put the kitchen lights on. He declares to any who will listen that "We didn't have electric lights in days gone by and managed then". I think he did have electric lights, but we won't argue that point here. I heard the tea caddy opened, then count the teaspoonfuls of tea... 1..... 2 ....3. All good so far. The kettle is starting to sing nicely above on the table then the sugar pot is opened, I hear him count out loud "..1......and a little bit because I am worth it". He then laughs gently at his own joke. It's going well. The kettle boils and lets out a loud click and he pours the water quickly into the pot and then fumbles around until he can find the lid to the teapot and put it on. Why doesn't he just turn the lights on??? Milk next; I hear the milk lid being unscrewed and slopped into the cup... long pause.....much swearing starts above me and I return to my bed where it is safe but I can still keep an eye on him. The tea leaves were put in the cup and he now has a teapot full of nothing but hot water! A second kettle was put on and his cup full of tea leaves, milk and sugar was poured down the sink and rinsed out ready for the next attempt. As the kettle was starting to get to it's crescendo he was trying to make sure he hadn't already put tea leaves into the pot already, so stuck his fingers in the teapot to make sure. Yes that would be the same pot which is already full of recently boiled water and hasn't yet been emptied! Why doesn't he just turn on the lights??? He is now, predictably, walking round with a hand so fully bandaged it looks as though he has got his hand stuck in a small white football! So far he has found no one to get any sympathy from, so I suspect there may be a trip to the pub at lunch time and I will try and find a way of escaping the embarrassment. How has he made it this far in life??

Owner's Daughter Used MY Laptop!!!

This evening Owners Daughter arrived at the studio and kicked me off the settee that I am allowed on. I feel it is me that should be putting my paws on my hips here. Well I am allowed on that one! I did forgive her almost immediately as she let me in her car and then put my dinner down for me. When The Owner arrived (eventually) we went to the pub by the canal. Now, I like canals! I was also hopeful of a splash in the canal but I would just like to say that if there's just one more reference to "stinky labs" I will officially be having a hump about it! Owners Daughter seemed to think it was a good idea to let me into the canal until The Owner said I would make her car smell of stinky labs. This I can tolerate, but when we got back to the New Cottage I wanted to write up my reports on my day, except Owners Daughter wanted to check her emails! Well hello!!!!! Exactly who's laptop is it anyway???