A KFC at The Beach.

Well, what a busy day I have had! Of course The Owner isn't talking to me but that is quite normal. He isn't speaking to Diesel Dog Daughter  either for drying Diesel Dog with  hair dryer after he had a bath. I am undecided at the moment as to whether I am speaking to Diesel Dog for appearing to enjoy the whole bath thing. The Owner was up and dressed remarkably early this morning, for a Saturday and was preparing a bag. Now I like it when he prepares a bag as it means we are going somewhere, and I like going somewhere. Unless it is to the other side of Swindon obviously. Well we started out on our journey and I was hopeful of a windscreen or two to lick and I was resolute that I would ignore The Owner having a bit of a hissy fit and moaning about having to clean them before he takes the car back. After quite a journey and when the only glass which hadn't had the benefits of the attentions of my tongue was The Owners door and his half of the windscreen and his door window, (I had been round the rest and my tongue now does feel a bit funny) we arrived at Diesel Dog Daughters. How did I know it was Diesel Dog Daughters house? Well there was a curtain in the front window which appeared to be having a lot to say about everything and when the front door opened a large brown fur ball came out at great speed and volume. It appeared to have a hoomun arm hanging on to it which after a while appeared to be connected in some way to Diesel  Dog Daughter as the furball careered around the garden doing his very best demented badger running. It was a damp and windy day down there so come lunch time The Owner announced that we were all going to go for a KFC down by the sea. Diesel Dog was starting to quieten down until he heard that  and then commenced phase two of the demented badger running around the living room carpet. The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter managed to corral Diesel Dog into the car which prompted much further excitement and at least proved one thing, which I thought impossible, can actually be done. Demented Badger Running in the boot of The Owners car by a dog the size of Diesel Dog is possible, although I still am at a loss as to how exactly. So off to the sea we went and by which time the damp had turned to rain. We parked the car outside the KFC shop which prompted more demented badger running in a confined space in the back. Diesel Dog Daughter managed to get The Owner back out of the shop without any arguments with the staff although I could see one brewing when The Owner started to complain about the contents of the box not looking anything like the pictures on the wall and as he was building the pace of his rant Diesel Dog Daughter grabbed the bag quick and swept him out of the door in a manner that he really wasn't aware of what happened until it was all too late and he was outside the door. I got the impression she had done that to him before! 

We arrived at the beach and found an empty carpark with just one other car in it which The Owner immediately started grumbling about. They weren't parked in a proper bay apparently! With the excitement building to a crescendo of cataclysmic proportions in the back the hoomuns opened the doors and let us do our own thing along the small beach and around the car park. Which was predictably at high octane levels. Into the sea, along the beach, roll in the sand, into the sea again, more rolling in the sand. You get the picture. I was getting worn out at just watching him!! The Owner and Diesel Dog Daughter were sat in the dry, stuffing their faces and neglecting to throw any scraps my way.

It was at that point that another car came in to the car park and stopped over the other side of the car park. It was a very posh car which seemed to have a lot of leather inside and kept its lights on all the time so it must have been important. Its two hoomuns got out and left their doors open and went round the back to make some tea on a little stove they had in the back. Diesel Dog took off for the car with the open doors and I followed at a more sedate pace to reflect my obvious breeding. A very wet and sandy GSD made it first and went straight in one door and out the other and was on his way through for the second time when I got there. He went straight out on his second time through, but I, being a bit more canny, sat down on the passenger seat and tried to shake some of the sand and sea water out of my coat and Diesel Dog stopped, briefly, to shake himself a little in the drivers seat before getting out again and wandering off back to The Owner's car. It was at this point that Posh Car Hoomun and Posh Car Lady Hoomun returned with their mugs of hot tea nd they seemed less than pleased to see me to be honest. 

The Owner was summoned and Diesel Dog and Diesel Dog Daughter hid behind his car and appeared to be laughing. The Owner, on the other hand, appeared not to be laughing as he was chastised soundly by Posh Car Hoomun and mumbled something about "I will stop it out of his pocket money." Well I don't get any pocket money!!!!

It was a quiet drive back to Diesel Dog Daughters house broken only by her stifled giggles. Even Diesel Dog seemed to understand the gravitas required for an occasion such as this when Jack Labrador GD (failed) is in the doo doo again. We are home now and I am anticipating a very quiet evening to be honest. But I still don't understand why that was all my fault??

The Annual Leaf Blower Ritual

The Owner has been busy! I know that happens rarely and in itself would be worthy of comment but he has been to the garden machine shop and emerged with several strange looking devices under his arm and Shop Yoof Hoomun pushing a strange machine on wheels. All were loaded in to the boot of the car and Shop Manager came out to wave us off. His words as we left struck a chord of knowing within me. "You'll let us know which leaf blower you want to buy when you have tried them?" The Owner responded with a cheery wave as we drove out and responded "I'll be in touch when I have tried them all!" We did this last year too as I remember it. Take half a dozen leaf blowers and charge around the garden in a frenzy and then take them all back and say you have changed your mind and none of them came up to scratch. He of course had a row with Shop Manager Hoomun on that occasion and so this year it is a different shop. There will now follow two days of frenetic activity in the autumn leave department. Of course, this now means heaps of leaves. And what do we do with heaps of leaves? We run through them!!!!! He gets very cross with me of course but I am afraid it is worth it. It is definitely worth it!!!! I just need to get that done before he gets to the big one on wheels as that seems to come with a big bag to blow them into. Oh how I love days like these. 

More Karma

After last nights little incident when The Owner was on his hands and knees behind the door I have done my best to behave in case he puts two and two together and works out my involvement in his misfortune. He finished his washing of the floor with what looked suspiciously like car wash and wax to me and our world settled down into our usual rhythm for the evening. This morning was one of those mornings when I was unusually desperate for a wee when he came grumbling down the stairs. Normally all that is required is a quick wee up the bush just outside the back door and a quick sidestep to avoid The Owner's shoe as he hurls it from the back door because he thinks I ought not to be weeing on a bush so close to the door. Then rush back indoors and bounce around a lot whilst he puts my food in my dish. This morning a little more was required and so I ventured a little further into the garden and had a proper wee. This unfortunately gave The Owner time to get bored waiting for my return and so he threw the contents of my measuring beaker into my food dish. My food dish, being stainless steel, has a certain ring about it when my dried food lands in it. This sound carries quite a way, so I could hear it up the garden where I was gainfully employed in weeing on the clothes prop. The excitement was building, but I couldn't stop in mid flow could I? So as soon as the pressure was relieved enough to be bearable I commenced my charge. Across the lawn... past the raspberry canes..... round the tree... easing off the accelerator enough to check that the back door was open this time and unencumbered by The Owner washing the floors and then full throttle for the back door. Yay! Through the door.... it was here where it all went horribly wrong for me. I was right in my assumption, it was car shampoo and wax he had been using on the floors last night. Waxed floors do not work well with K9 duvet beds and K9's at high speed! Well I missed my food dish as I went straight past it sliding on my duvet in a kind of Aladdinesque moment. The Owner seemed somewhat surprised too as he stood there putting some tea in the pot and caught sight of me whizzing past in a very undignified manner. I have noticed that when they do this kind of thing in the films it always looks very controlled and cool. However real life seems something of a bitch when it comes to looking cool as I slid behind the fridge and out of sight. The Owner was his usual epitome of sympathy and understanding and without looking up just said "While you're behind there Jack can you check for cobwebs?" I recovered my composure, removed the cobweb from my nose and made my way back to look for my breakfast. I will be in the new calf sheds if anyone want me!!!

Karma

I am loving this karma thing! I often work hard to achieve  just a little retribution for some of The Owners unkinder acts or comments and yet karma seems to do it for me and I don't get the blame! Well....... not as much as I could have done anyway. Today I have discovered that The Owner has been having a bit of a laugh at my expense all these years and I was a tad miffed to be honest. It seems that calling me Jack Labrador GD(failed) is not a mark of merit, but rather, one of The Owner's twisted jokes at my expense which I have unwittingly encouraged. I have spent the late afternoon wishing his leg would fall off as I plotted my revenge. We left the studio and wandered home relatively grumble free for The Owner. Just a few grumbles about potholes in the road, inconsiderate drivers, noisy tractors on the fields and the cost of turkey at Sainsbugs. Actually now I see it written down it was just a normal grumbly journey. As dinner was imminent I shelved my plans for retribution until later. When we got back to the cottage The Owner fed me which was nice and I had really forgotten about getting my own back as he opened the back door to let me go for a quick patrol of the perimeter. By the time I return normally he is busying himself lighting the fire so I was undeterred when the door was pushed a little bit shut. Although to be honest it is normally wide open to welcome me back in, but tonight I thought nothing of it as I hurtled onwards towards the partly closed door. At the last moment I launched with my front paws outstretched and hit the back door open..... although it didn't give way in quite the manner I had anticipated.  In fact, it barely gave way at all to be honest and I felt a fairly large bump on the other side of the door as it clearly had met an unmovable object........The Owner! Well how was I to know he had decided to wash the floors behind the door this evening. I mean, he isn't due to do that for another six months!! I returned to the garden for a while and by the time he picked himself up and looked out I was nowhere to be seen so he has blamed the wind for his misfortune which is fine by me. When I felt it safe to return he was on the phone to NHS Direct trying to get treatment for a "skull compression injury" that he hasn't got! I suspect he must be on a list of malingerers or something as she was having none of it from what I could make out, although he has threatened to take this up with "The highest possible authority". If I was his MP I would keep a low profile tomorrow. He tried Buckingham Palace the last time and was politely but firmly told that Her Majesty didn't do that sort of thing. Still, I think I may have got away with it.... for now. Karma rocks!!!

The Lab Reports

Coming soon to a letter box near you!!

Nearly finished it!!!!

The Power Shower

Well what a morning we have had at the new cottage! The Owner has been very industrious after a trip to B&Q. I like going to B&Q because there is a burger van there and Burger Van Hoomun always gives me a sausage when The Owner isn't looking. So we have developed a sort of routine, The Owner and I, for the use of, when going to B&Q. We get there and park the car, we both get out. We make our way towards the shop doors, (which I have got a little more used to now and am not quite so disturbed by them opening on their own) and I stop for a wee up one of the big posts at the front designed to stop little old ladies from ram raiding B&Q. Well thats what The Owner says they're for anyway and they must work as I have never seen any old lady, large or small, try and ram raid B&Q! Anyway, if I make a bit of a meal of it and spend ages weeing up the post The Owner loses patience and wanders in on his own and leaves me to follow when I have finished. As soon as he has gone inside I rush across to the burger van and sit and wait until a sausage is launched from the dark recesses from within the burgervan. Sausage chomped, I make my way into the shop to find The Owner. The good thing about this little ruse is that if The Owner is feeling peckish, which he often is, on the way out I get another sausage. But not today, I was barely into the shop when I saw The Owner come struggling up the aisle with a trolley with a very large box on it and loads of interesting looking things that I needed to have a sniff at. He managed to get through the checkouts without a shouting match with Manager Hoomun, mainly because Manager Hoomun went off on an important errand to the other end of the store when he saw The Owner approaching the tills. He was soon heading off across the car park with a certain sense of purpose about him. Back home, these very expensive boxes appear to have come with a free power shower. I don't know for certain what a power shower is but it sounds very important. I never understand why they never give him two allen keys in these boxes, one to drop and lose, and the second to do the job with. In this case it was dropped down the plug hole in the bath. I watched with great intent as things were drilled, screwed cut and cursed at, as the power shower appears to have morphed into a white plastic box on the wall with a slightly lopsided demeanour and a hose coming out of the bottom which appears to have a big kink in it. I was watching this thinking to myself he shouldn't be having a kink in that pipe like that. But what do I know? After coffee (and Bonios, had I mentioned that I like Bonios?) the grand ceremony of the turning back on of the water was carried out. Much to The Owners surprise, and mine, there were no leaks which there would normally be when he starts plumbing jobs. He was feeling very pleased with himself and immediately poured himself a large sherry by way of celebration. Then came the grand switching on ceremony and The Owner reached in and pressed a pad on the shower and stepped back smartly. There were noises from within but I guess he was expecting to see water come from somewhere at this point. Well he wouldn't with a kink in the hose like that would he?? The Owner opted to turn up the water a bit which produced a small trickle from the shower head and even more noises from within the white plastic box on the wall. So the pressure was turned up further. More noises, getting louder, still no water. So he turned the water pressure up full and climbed in to the shower to investigate. Now I am only a K9 (with breeding) but I am thinking that this might not have been his best move so far today. He would have been far better off turning it all off and removing the kink in the hose. But what do I know. With the noises inside the power shower reaching a crescendo there was a very loud bang from the power shower and a little plastic pellet from the pressure relief valve shot out of the bottom of the white plastic box on the wall, hit the bath, then the mirror and then made contact with the back of The Owners head as a great deluge of water followed it and filled up The Owners work boots. Water turned off. we are now on our way back to B&Q to get another power shower and presumably have an argument with Manager Hoomun about "products not fit for purpose" and of course forgetting the kink in the hose. I can't help but wonder if that, coupled with The Owners general ineptitude in matters of plumbing might be a logical answer and not some oversight in the design and manufacture of the product. But I do at least get a second shot at the burger van so I am hopeful of a second sausage.

Posh Lady Client Came.... and Went

I have kept a very low profile ever since the whole fish flavoured olive oil incident. I thought it for the best. You may recall The Owner went out for the day and left me behind, and he smelled funny. In the meantime I had found somewhere to roll, on the ground where he normally keeps his recycling tins and there appeared to be a contaminant in the shape of fishy flavoured olive oil which I did not enjoy and even a roll in badger poo did nothing to reduce the effect. A snooze on the sofa that I am not allowed on did little to make me feel better either. Right that brings you up to date. 

We have two living rooms, one is upstairs, and this has bean bags which I am not allowed on either but I can report that they are very comfortable. So I reasoned that he would never know if I had a quick snooze up there. This fish flavoured olive oil was really becoming a problem for me and I found that the bean bag did little to relieve the effects. What I needed was a blanket, that may help a little, or........ a duvet!!!! That would do it! And his bedroom door is open!!! He will never know, I thought. It worked! I felt much better and returned downstairs for a proper snooze feeling very much better.

It was getting dark and cold in the cottage when I heard the heating come on and then a familiar sound as I hear The Owner come wandering up the side path. But I can also hear another voice too, it is Posh Lady Client Hoomun! So that's where he has been all day! If I am lucky she may have forgotten the whole silage liquor thing and give me a Bonio. She laughs like a donkey I think, smells a bit like one too. So The Owner breezes through the back door with hardly a word in my direction even though I was doing my best ever "pleased to see you home" bounce. He casually threw some of my food in my dish, grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine which as far as I can tell was one of his expensive ones that he normally shows everyone before opening the cheap stuff to give to them and then disappeared upstairs with Posh Lady Client Hoomun. Why am I getting this feeling of foreboding? I hid! There was much guffawing up there from The Owner, and donkey laughter from Posh Lady Client Hoomun and then I heard the bedroom door open (I only need a crack in the door to get through, hoomuns need much more width). The laughter and braying continued for a few seconds before there was silence. It lasted for a few more seconds although it seemed much longer, when in unison I heard The Owner roar and Posh Lady Client Hoomun scream. Hmmm, they found out I had been on the bed then! Posh Lady Client stomped out of the bedroom and I heard her flop on the bean bag. A short silence and then more screaming. I was hiding behind the sofa when they came back down the stairs like a herd of cows in the dairy yard all squabbling and pushing to get into the milking parlour first. She flopped down on the sofa whilst she dragged he coat on and then jumped up quick and looked at the sofa, strangely close to where I had spent most of the day. I am getting the vibe here that hoomuns don't enjoy fishy flavoured olive oil either. Posh Lady Client Hoomun saw me peeking out from behind the sofa and called me "A beastly dog!" before running out of the cottage with The Owner hot on her heals in the closest thing I have ever heard from him to an apology. He returned alone a few minutes later, looking disconsolate. 

From the look on his face as he set about scrubbing the furniture and changing the beds I get the feeling we may not be seeing Posh Lady Client Hoomun here for a while. Well I didn't like the way she laughed anyway. But I did think it best to stay out of the way for a while.