What's on my mind? I'd like to know what's on The Owners mind and this morning I can't think there was too much! There I was, happily snoring to myself (the noise keeps the badgers from pooping outside the back door) dreaming of Bonio's. Had I mentioned I like Bonio's?
It was still dark when I heard him come crashing down the stairs and start fumbling around in the kitchen. He was going to have to put the light on eventually and its a lot easier on his temper if he does it sooner rather than later. I thought we must be going somewhere, nothing else normally gets him out of bed that early. He gets himself dressed, in clothes straight out of the washing machine, yuk, he must be sleepwalking! Then he gives me my breakfast, at 3:00 in the morning, so I forgave him immediately. Then he shuffles off down to the office and begins furiously banging away on the keyboard. He is giving me a right old headache with all the noise! When the dairyman came out to go and get the cows in for milking, just after the sun came up he thought we were being burgled and came across to check, pitch fork at the ready. It won't last, by 11:00 he'll be falling asleep over the keyboard and wake up with red marks across his forehead spelling "QWERTY". I think he must be sickening for something! Maybe he might forget he's already given me breakfast, if I try my little dance and just see what comes my way. It may work! This could be a very long day....
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
The Beach Towel
Yesterday was warm, I understand that. Hoomuns like to lay around in the sun and cook themselves. I understand that as well. But, hey, so do dogs! He comes wandering out looking like heaven knows what with his sun hat on his head and with very dodgy cheap sunglasses. I think he bought them about three years ago at the petrol station and they have only one arm left. The other one fell off after the first week and too tight to buy more, he has to have his head on one side when he wears them to prevent them falling off! A pack of beers under his arm and a towel draped over his shoulder. I think it best we don't discuss the shorts here! The towel is spread on the ground and I try and climb on but whenever I do he chases me off. I try and lay down beside him and he chases me off! I had to lay on a heap of dead leaves in the end whilst he, The Owner, lords it on the towel! Later in the day he starts pulling buckets of water out of the well to water his plants, including the smelly lavender. Well I could have done that! Predictably, one of those buckets of water had to come my way didn't it? So dripping in water, while he wasn't looking, I went and curled up in the middle of his towel. Later, watering finished, he came back to his towel, opened another beer with a satisfied sigh and laid back on the towel. A moment later he shot up again and threw his beer everywhere complaining loudly and I was in trouble again, but oh boy was it worth it!
Monkey Dog
Oh revenge is so sweet! Me and The Owner went to work this morning and on the farm they were looking after a skinny strange looking dog with very long legs, I think they called him 'Monkey'. Mmm, I think that says it all really, clearly no breeding!
Anyway, his lady owner turned up to pick him up and came up with MY dish in her hand. How did she get that?! So Monkey dog goes and wee's up MY post so I had to go and wee on it as well. Then he goes and wee's on the gate, so I had to go and do it as well. So he then wee's up the corner of The Owners office wall! Well I thought The Owner would have said something about that, at least I was beginning to hope he would coz this Monkey thing dog can wee a lot higher than me! Nothing to do with prowess, just he had longer legs than me and I was starting to struggle to wee hugh enough so I had to be cunning. Lady Monkey Dog Thing Owner had left her posh car door open so I went and wee'd on the side of the car and he took the bate and went and wee'd on the same spot except he wee's higher. Tee hee! All over the car seats! Oh Boy was he in trouble, I'm glad she's not my Owner! I went and sat back in the office under the desk and felt a certain kind of smug satisfaction. Serves him right, he looks like a camel anyway!
Anyway, his lady owner turned up to pick him up and came up with MY dish in her hand. How did she get that?! So Monkey dog goes and wee's up MY post so I had to go and wee on it as well. Then he goes and wee's on the gate, so I had to go and do it as well. So he then wee's up the corner of The Owners office wall! Well I thought The Owner would have said something about that, at least I was beginning to hope he would coz this Monkey thing dog can wee a lot higher than me! Nothing to do with prowess, just he had longer legs than me and I was starting to struggle to wee hugh enough so I had to be cunning. Lady Monkey Dog Thing Owner had left her posh car door open so I went and wee'd on the side of the car and he took the bate and went and wee'd on the same spot except he wee's higher. Tee hee! All over the car seats! Oh Boy was he in trouble, I'm glad she's not my Owner! I went and sat back in the office under the desk and felt a certain kind of smug satisfaction. Serves him right, he looks like a camel anyway!
Another Cushion
Oh, now I get it! This is all about me pinching his velvet cushion off the settee and snuggling up on it!
The Cushion
If he comes creeping around me again with that ruddy camera of his when I am asleep I am going to loose my sense of humour!
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Thrown Out of the Garden Centre
Why did someone tell The Owner about the garden centre's offer to refund or replace any plant of their's which did not survive? We went back, four cooked lettuce plants formally known as lavender (yuk & phew!) in hand and brandishing his receipt. The very nice young lady on customer service saw me and found a dog biscuit from somewhere, I liked her!
She immediately said that they would replace them... well I wouldn't have done! Was he satisfied? No, not a bit, he wanted something extra for his time and petrol! So The Owner demanded the manager. I didn't like her quite so much as she didn't have a biscuit for me. Manager told him that he ought to think himself lucky as she could quite clearly see he had left them in a hot car and she wouldn't have replaced them! She told him to take his replacement plants and go. He had a hysterical moment - She called security. Just when I had managed to think another biscuit out of nice young lady on customer service desk's pocket and into my mouth, he gets us thrown out! As we drove out of the car park, Manager was stood at the door with her hands on her hips and a yoof was being sent across the car park with a paint pot in his hand towards their big name board, I suspect to modify their guarantee to exclude cooked lettuce plants. Can anyone recommend another good garden centre as I think we are going to need to find one!
She immediately said that they would replace them... well I wouldn't have done! Was he satisfied? No, not a bit, he wanted something extra for his time and petrol! So The Owner demanded the manager. I didn't like her quite so much as she didn't have a biscuit for me. Manager told him that he ought to think himself lucky as she could quite clearly see he had left them in a hot car and she wouldn't have replaced them! She told him to take his replacement plants and go. He had a hysterical moment - She called security. Just when I had managed to think another biscuit out of nice young lady on customer service desk's pocket and into my mouth, he gets us thrown out! As we drove out of the car park, Manager was stood at the door with her hands on her hips and a yoof was being sent across the car park with a paint pot in his hand towards their big name board, I suspect to modify their guarantee to exclude cooked lettuce plants. Can anyone recommend another good garden centre as I think we are going to need to find one!
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Cooked lavender
The Owner found every reason imaginable not to walk back for his car yesterday, opting instead for the lazy way out by waiting for someone to arrive who had a car and was heading back past the pub and was fool enough to give him a lift. After a day in the hot sunshine the inside of the car was like an oven, in fact he had to put a pair of gloves on to touch the steering wheel. What a wimp!
When we eventually got the steering wheel cooled down a little, enough for him to drive home, he suddenly remembered the lavender plants in the back. I was sat with them, I didn't need to remember them! One thing for certain, they won't need drying out at the end of the summer! So this afternoon we have to go back to the garden centre for more plants. This is the garden centre who foolishly guarantee their plants will last for twelve months and I suspect The Owner will be trying to claim some free replacements although how he thinks he is going to swing that one escapes me! I can't help but think they might notice that the plants he will present to them as evidence will have the same consistency as cooked lettuce!
When we eventually got the steering wheel cooled down a little, enough for him to drive home, he suddenly remembered the lavender plants in the back. I was sat with them, I didn't need to remember them! One thing for certain, they won't need drying out at the end of the summer! So this afternoon we have to go back to the garden centre for more plants. This is the garden centre who foolishly guarantee their plants will last for twelve months and I suspect The Owner will be trying to claim some free replacements although how he thinks he is going to swing that one escapes me! I can't help but think they might notice that the plants he will present to them as evidence will have the same consistency as cooked lettuce!
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