Working From Home

We've been home this afternoon, me and The Owner. He spent all morning telling everyone that he was going to be working from home for the afternoon. I wondered what that meant exactly but soon found out. We got throught the door and he quickly changed into his old gardening clothes, poured himself a very large glass of something and went and sat on the patio.

After he'd finished that he went rummaging in the back of the shed and emerged with a triumphant smile on his face and a gallon of fence treatment in one hand, the label of which was so old it had "By Appointment to His Majesty The King" on it and an old brush in the other. I am thinking that this was not quite what he was implying by working from home. So he starts painting the fence with this stinking paint stuff and I go indoors for a lay down. I keep checking on him every once in a while, just to make sure he's doing it right and after a while he comes wandering back in with an empty glass in his hand, presumably looking for more wine. Suddenly there is a right rumpus going on in the kitchen! He's shouting and using words that would make his mother blush! So I went to investigate. Well I have no idea how all that smelly fence stuff got all over my tail!!!! But I do however, have a very good idea how it got up every door and cupbord in the kitchen and dining room. I think I'm going up to the woods at the top of the garden and hiding behind the barbecue for a while.

The Badgers Came Visiting

Oh dear! He has not had a good start to the day! Well I've been trying to tell him for ages that there are badgers in the garden at night and despite his admonishing of me for digging little holes in the lawn, it isn't me! Last night they kept me awake with their grunting and snuffling around the back door to the boot room.

All night they were out there carrying on like a load of hoomuns at a barbie. This morning, I feel like I haven't slept a wink, mainly coz I haven't, and The Owner comes bouncing down the stairs all fresh and perky. Let's me out of the boot room and then opens the back door for me to go out for my pee before breakfast. Well I'm not going out there, there may be badgers still about and I may be brave but I'm not stupid! Rolling in their poo is one thing but actually meeting one, face to face, not going there! He was intent on me going for a pee and was trying to evict me from the back door and I kept digging my heels in and sitting down or rolling over on my back. Anything but have to go out there. So he strides purposefully outside as if to show there was nothing to be afraid of and puts his bare foot straight in a dollop of badger poo left just outside the back door. There then followed much 'yucking' and 'phewing' as he tries to scrape it off his foot and from between his toes and tries desperately to find someone to blame for his predicament. I'm guessing that I am not going to find a way of persuading him on the benefits of rolling in badger poo just yet!

More Stinky Flowers!

Oh man that garden! The rose (yuk and phew) is in another flowering apparently but it has got a bit cunning and only flowered up high where I can't pee! The lavender (double yuk and phew!) is stinking the neighbourhood out and round the back of the cottage the Jasmine is in full flower but that is on the shed roof and try as I might I cannot get to pee that high and believe me I have tried! So many smells in the same garden and not one of them good! He, The Owner, is wandering around in heaven spouting nonsense about the 'perfume'! I am keeping a low profile today whilst I scheme and plot a way of damping down the stench from these flowers of the devil! Meanwhile I will content myself with peeing all over the lavender (double yuk and phew) whilst I work out my next move!

Caffeine poisoning!

Well, it was a long day, I was right about that and I think today could be just as long for a different reason. By 06:00 his first report and demo of a software system was on its way to someone, not sure who and I'm not sure he did either by the confused e-mail he has had this morning.

By 09:00 he was starting to feel the effects of dragging himself out of bed so early. He seemed to reason that he could do the early starts when he was driving so there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to now! Hello?!?! That was ten years ago! Time is a bitch when it comes to clouding the mind over what we can still achieve. I used to be able to outrun any dog around here a couple of years ago but I couldn't out run the jaws of Lady Chocolate Lab when she took exception to my amorous advances the other night! By 10:00 he was starting to fall asleep over the keyboard with the mouse in his hand and then coming to with a jolt as his head started to fall. The mouse jolted as well and moved files and folders all over the place. He still can't find some of them. Then he started on the strong coffee! By lunch time he had so much caffeine in him he couldn't keep his hands from shaking! Now this morning he is having to explain away the rather manic e-mails he was sending to everyone all afternoon and the sometimes embarrassing misspellings of several crucial words in them! Last night he had to explain why he managed to send three pints and two packets of peanuts scattering all over the bar, all on different occasions, where his hands were shaking so much. Fortunately he has come down off the manic ceiling and I am today looking forward to the first Postman's delivery for a while. I must behave! I must behave! I must behave......

Early Mornings!!!

What's on my mind? I'd like to know what's on The Owners mind and this morning I can't think there was too much! There I was, happily snoring to myself (the noise keeps the badgers from pooping outside the back door) dreaming of Bonio's. Had I mentioned I like Bonio's?

It was still dark when I heard him come crashing down the stairs and start fumbling around in the kitchen. He was going to have to put the light on eventually and its a lot easier on his temper if he does it sooner rather than later. I thought we must be going somewhere, nothing else normally gets him out of bed that early. He gets himself dressed, in clothes straight out of the washing machine, yuk, he must be sleepwalking! Then he gives me my breakfast, at 3:00 in the morning, so I forgave him immediately. Then he shuffles off down to the office and begins furiously banging away on the keyboard. He is giving me a right old headache with all the noise! When the dairyman came out to go and get the cows in for milking, just after the sun came up he thought we were being burgled and came across to check, pitch fork at the ready. It won't last, by 11:00 he'll be falling asleep over the keyboard and wake up with red marks across his forehead spelling "QWERTY". I think he must be sickening for something! Maybe he might forget he's already given me breakfast, if I try my little dance and just see what comes my way. It may work! This could be a very long day....

The Beach Towel

Yesterday was warm, I understand that. Hoomuns like to lay around in the sun and cook themselves. I understand that as well. But, hey, so do dogs! He comes wandering out looking like heaven knows what with his sun hat on his head and with very dodgy cheap sunglasses. I think he bought them about three years ago at the petrol station and they have only one arm left. The other one fell off after the first week and too tight to buy more, he has to have his head on one side when he wears them to prevent them falling off! A pack of beers under his arm and a towel draped over his shoulder. I think it best we don't discuss the shorts here! The towel is spread on the ground and I try and climb on but whenever I do he chases me off. I try and lay down beside him and he chases me off! I had to lay on a heap of dead leaves in the end whilst he, The Owner, lords it on the towel! Later in the day he starts pulling buckets of water out of the well to water his plants, including the smelly lavender. Well I could have done that! Predictably, one of those buckets of water had to come my way didn't it? So dripping in water, while he wasn't looking, I went and curled up in the middle of his towel. Later, watering finished, he came back to his towel, opened another beer with a satisfied sigh and laid back on the towel. A moment later he shot up again and threw his beer everywhere complaining loudly and I was in trouble again, but oh boy was it worth it!

Monkey Dog

Oh revenge is so sweet! Me and The Owner went to work this morning and on the farm they were looking after a skinny strange looking dog with very long legs, I think they called him 'Monkey'. Mmm, I think that says it all really, clearly no breeding!

Anyway, his lady owner turned up to pick him up and came up with MY dish in her hand. How did she get that?! So Monkey dog goes and wee's up MY post so I had to go and wee on it as well. Then he goes and wee's on the gate, so I had to go and do it as well. So he then wee's up the corner of The Owners office wall! Well I thought The Owner would have said something about that, at least I was beginning to hope he would coz this Monkey thing dog can wee a lot higher than me! Nothing to do with prowess, just he had longer legs than me and I was starting to struggle to wee hugh enough so I had to be cunning. Lady Monkey Dog Thing Owner had left her posh car door open so I went and wee'd on the side of the car and he took the bate and went and wee'd on the same spot except he wee's higher. Tee hee! All over the car seats! Oh Boy was he in trouble, I'm glad she's not my Owner! I went and sat back in the office under the desk and felt a certain kind of smug satisfaction. Serves him right, he looks like a camel anyway!