Oh where to start? Do we talk about Lady Chocolate Lab Owner or do we talk about Tesco Yoof? Well, to be fare I am not certain it was Lady Chocolate Lab Owner but on Friday he got up and did his normal stuff upstairs, whatever that entails I am uncertain as I hide when that happens ever since Owners Daughter invited me up there and then threw me into the bath.
Then we went for our normal patrol but instead of going to the office we came back here. Very strange I thought! He went upstairs and there was a lot more splashing going on and I was definitely not going to investigate for fear of my own personal safety and then he re-appeared, smelling funny. This was why I suspected he has been to see Lady Chocolate Lab Owner as he only smelled like that when he was off to see her. I got a bit excited at this thought coz I thought I may have got to see my own love interest, Lady Chocolate Lab. He got a new pair of trousers out of a bag and put them on which looked kinda comical as his feet disappeared. There then followed much stabbing of fingers with needles and a lot of swearing. I did think that what he was doing would never last and I was right as when he did eventually get back his feet had disappeared again inside his trousers. Well after he put the needles and cotton wool soaked in blood and the elastaplast box away he stole my laptop and left!! I couldn't even voice an opinion on Facebook!!!! Home Alone I was!!! Today Tesco Yoof has been and delivered and he clearly thought he was a big strong hoomun as he insisted on carrying all The Owner's boxes up the path at the same time and opening the gate himself. I feel it my duty to bring clever hoomuns down to earth a little and I practice daily with The Owner but a swift dart between his legs as he struggled past my wee tree brought his whole world tumbling down and all the boxes with him. A good start to the day I felt, I am of course in the boot room but it was worth it. I am of course still concerned about not getting to see Lady Chocolate Lab, if that was where he went on Friday.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
DIY SOS
Last night The Owner had a bit of a traumatic evening although I have to say he brought it upon himself. It's a facet of hoomun behaviour that I find the hardest of all to fathom out. It is usually a woman thing as I am lead to believe but that doesn't stop The Owner becoming involved with this whole ritual.
I refer here to DIY SOS! Now I get the premise of the program; family of hoomuns buy a hoomun kennel that has more holes in it than a ferrets cage, they all live there in amongst building rubble and rolls of loft insulation for ages and then Father Hoomun gets all depressed and says he is a failure. Not sure why coz from where I stand their kennel looks about as good as my boot room so it must be alright. Then a whole army of Builder Hoomuns comes along and then makes it ten times worse by putting windows in holes in the wall and making it all look tidy and stuff. Then the hoomun family returns and start this whole thing of the eyes leaking that I don't understand. I thought hoomun eyes leak when they are unhappy or when they have hit their thumbs really hard with a hammer (which seems just plain stupid to me) but they are telling everyone how happy they are etc. Why do they do this eyes leaking thing and then say they are happy??? The bit I really don't understand is that The Owner joins in with eyes leaking and then tells me what a good program he has just watched! Hello! If its going to upset him why watch it and if he is happy why have leaking eyes?? Hoomuns!!!!!!!!!! I am going to find a good bit of badger poo to roll in I think.
I refer here to DIY SOS! Now I get the premise of the program; family of hoomuns buy a hoomun kennel that has more holes in it than a ferrets cage, they all live there in amongst building rubble and rolls of loft insulation for ages and then Father Hoomun gets all depressed and says he is a failure. Not sure why coz from where I stand their kennel looks about as good as my boot room so it must be alright. Then a whole army of Builder Hoomuns comes along and then makes it ten times worse by putting windows in holes in the wall and making it all look tidy and stuff. Then the hoomun family returns and start this whole thing of the eyes leaking that I don't understand. I thought hoomun eyes leak when they are unhappy or when they have hit their thumbs really hard with a hammer (which seems just plain stupid to me) but they are telling everyone how happy they are etc. Why do they do this eyes leaking thing and then say they are happy??? The bit I really don't understand is that The Owner joins in with eyes leaking and then tells me what a good program he has just watched! Hello! If its going to upset him why watch it and if he is happy why have leaking eyes?? Hoomuns!!!!!!!!!! I am going to find a good bit of badger poo to roll in I think.
The Dyson!!!!!!
I was set about earlier today by that ruddy Dyson. I swear it has a mind and can move by itself! The Owner and I came shuffling up the road at lunch time, now normally I would have been bouncing athletically from sniff to sniff whilst The Owner does the shuffling but today, well frankly, I couldn't be bothered so I gave the impression that I was walking dutifully to heel.
When we got back he potters around the kitchen and makes himself a sandwich and pours himself a cup of tea then grumbles off through the dining room to go and watch the news whilst he absent mindedly spills the contents of the sandwich down his shirt. Now I get quite excited at this point because whatever he spills I get to clear up. If he talks to anyone about it he tells them that he doesn't understand it as there is never anything on the floor and yet he has managed to get certain stains on his shirt. Well with my lightening reactions where a wayward crumb or two is concerned it doesn't take a brain surgeon to work it out does it! Anyway, I'm sorry I digress, he was wandering through the dining room with me bouncing excitably on his heels when we had to go past the Dyson, left out after clearing up the remains of last nights little accident with a plate of rice for which I hold no responsibility but apparently all of the blame. Just as we passed it I could have sworn it moved! More out of blind panic than any reasoned attempt to escape I shot forward to get away from it and straight into the back of The Owner's legs. Just as well he left the Dyson out as it happened, I thought, with all that mess now on the carpet.
When we got back he potters around the kitchen and makes himself a sandwich and pours himself a cup of tea then grumbles off through the dining room to go and watch the news whilst he absent mindedly spills the contents of the sandwich down his shirt. Now I get quite excited at this point because whatever he spills I get to clear up. If he talks to anyone about it he tells them that he doesn't understand it as there is never anything on the floor and yet he has managed to get certain stains on his shirt. Well with my lightening reactions where a wayward crumb or two is concerned it doesn't take a brain surgeon to work it out does it! Anyway, I'm sorry I digress, he was wandering through the dining room with me bouncing excitably on his heels when we had to go past the Dyson, left out after clearing up the remains of last nights little accident with a plate of rice for which I hold no responsibility but apparently all of the blame. Just as we passed it I could have sworn it moved! More out of blind panic than any reasoned attempt to escape I shot forward to get away from it and straight into the back of The Owner's legs. Just as well he left the Dyson out as it happened, I thought, with all that mess now on the carpet.
The Mouse and Shakespeare
I have a new best friend called Mouse! He doesn't realise he is, but I can see he clearly has my best interests at heart. Last night The Owner had his tea early which means by late evening he will be getting bored. By the time the sun went down he is flicking from channel to channel on the telly, clearly bored.
So on goes the DVD player, innocent enough you may think? Let me explain; when I moved here from Lord Bath's estate (had I mentioned that I was born and trained on his estate?) I had never seen the inside of a hoomun home and had no idea of the concept of a telly. It took me some time to get my head around where the chimpanzees were inside his telly that week, but I eventually got my head around that. It took a little longer to understand the washing machine and I had to have an opinion on that once or twice. Anyway, TV understood, he, The Owner, finds it funny to introduce me to the concept of surround sound. Well, the surround sound speaker stands behind my comfy cushion and I was out of there pretty damn quick when the chimpanzee that hitherto had been inside the TV was suddenly having a lot to say from behind me! Last night, Mouse had chewed through the wire to my surround sound speaker and The Owner was clearly disappointed when he turned it on and it didn't have the usual effect of the sound wave blowing all the hair on my back against the grain towards my nose. After much duct tape and swearing and the wire with a big lump in it like a worm with a knot in it's tail, the customary "Wump" of the big speakers was heard as they were turned on. Last night it was Shakespeare and I now understand why Small Boy has such an aversion to all things Shakespearean. If he loves the woman why can't he just say so? Instead we have two paragraphs of waffle that I barely understood and all at ear-splitting volume! The Owner is of course in raptures over it.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
It doesn't mention the effect on my ears this morning does it?
So on goes the DVD player, innocent enough you may think? Let me explain; when I moved here from Lord Bath's estate (had I mentioned that I was born and trained on his estate?) I had never seen the inside of a hoomun home and had no idea of the concept of a telly. It took me some time to get my head around where the chimpanzees were inside his telly that week, but I eventually got my head around that. It took a little longer to understand the washing machine and I had to have an opinion on that once or twice. Anyway, TV understood, he, The Owner, finds it funny to introduce me to the concept of surround sound. Well, the surround sound speaker stands behind my comfy cushion and I was out of there pretty damn quick when the chimpanzee that hitherto had been inside the TV was suddenly having a lot to say from behind me! Last night, Mouse had chewed through the wire to my surround sound speaker and The Owner was clearly disappointed when he turned it on and it didn't have the usual effect of the sound wave blowing all the hair on my back against the grain towards my nose. After much duct tape and swearing and the wire with a big lump in it like a worm with a knot in it's tail, the customary "Wump" of the big speakers was heard as they were turned on. Last night it was Shakespeare and I now understand why Small Boy has such an aversion to all things Shakespearean. If he loves the woman why can't he just say so? Instead we have two paragraphs of waffle that I barely understood and all at ear-splitting volume! The Owner is of course in raptures over it.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.
It doesn't mention the effect on my ears this morning does it?
A Philosophy from Jack
One day you're a peacock, the next you're a feather duster!
Choose your path wisely
Choose your path wisely
The Odd Broken Dish or Two
I have come out of the way until the dust has settled a little out in the kitchen. I have noticed that The Owner has a tendency to just shove the clean dishes into the cupboard with no particular thought for any sense of order. It was ok when Owner's daughter was here sorting out the house for The Owner's return as she put everything in a proper place.
Now I was a little resentful of the intrusion at the time because I know how The Owner gets frustrated by tidiness and I was anxious that his return home should not do anything that would cause any anxiety. But I admit that the benefits grew on me a little and it did to a degree with The Owner as well. Now, apart from the odd intrusion of order when Owner's Daughter comes up for the day, the cupboards have lapsed into their former state of confusion as The Owner stuffs dishes and plates wherever he can see a bit of shelf or stack of other dishes and plates that look as though it may be able to accommodate another one on top. Personally, I always felt that all his glass roasting dishes balanced on top of his little breakfast dishes was an accident waiting to happen, but I'm a K9 (with breeding), what do I know? This morning he was up early again, which is always a recipe for a disaster later in the day (he tires easily), and the dishwasher was for a while the object of his attentions. Everything was unloaded and put into the disorganised chaos inside the cupboard. He was doing himself a bacon sandwich out there, so apart from the cooker now being awash with grease and oil which will invoke a severe case of frowning when Owner's Daughter next visit's, he opened the cupboard door for a plate........ and the dam broke. Plates, pirex, glass and tins all came out of the cupboard like a tsunami across the kitchen floor. I thought it interesting how those pyrex dishes seemed to explode as they went. There has been much cursing going on out there which is why I have kept out of the way, just in case any came my way. But now he is sitting looking through the freebie papers for car boot sales, those that he hasn't been banned from, to see if he can replenish the cupboards with dishes and plates. The good news is that he has forgotten about his bacon sandwich which by now will be cold so I think that may be coming my way a bit later when he finds it again.
Now I was a little resentful of the intrusion at the time because I know how The Owner gets frustrated by tidiness and I was anxious that his return home should not do anything that would cause any anxiety. But I admit that the benefits grew on me a little and it did to a degree with The Owner as well. Now, apart from the odd intrusion of order when Owner's Daughter comes up for the day, the cupboards have lapsed into their former state of confusion as The Owner stuffs dishes and plates wherever he can see a bit of shelf or stack of other dishes and plates that look as though it may be able to accommodate another one on top. Personally, I always felt that all his glass roasting dishes balanced on top of his little breakfast dishes was an accident waiting to happen, but I'm a K9 (with breeding), what do I know? This morning he was up early again, which is always a recipe for a disaster later in the day (he tires easily), and the dishwasher was for a while the object of his attentions. Everything was unloaded and put into the disorganised chaos inside the cupboard. He was doing himself a bacon sandwich out there, so apart from the cooker now being awash with grease and oil which will invoke a severe case of frowning when Owner's Daughter next visit's, he opened the cupboard door for a plate........ and the dam broke. Plates, pirex, glass and tins all came out of the cupboard like a tsunami across the kitchen floor. I thought it interesting how those pyrex dishes seemed to explode as they went. There has been much cursing going on out there which is why I have kept out of the way, just in case any came my way. But now he is sitting looking through the freebie papers for car boot sales, those that he hasn't been banned from, to see if he can replenish the cupboards with dishes and plates. The good news is that he has forgotten about his bacon sandwich which by now will be cold so I think that may be coming my way a bit later when he finds it again.
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